# YouTube Transcripts — EdMylett_transcripts

**Date:** 2026-02-26 20:28:27
**Videos:** 50 | **Transcripts:** 16
**Sources:** deepgram: 16

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## How to Build Unshakable Confidence When You’re Losing Feat. Alan Stein Jr. [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BspU1vRP3CU
- **Published:** 9 days ago

Call it a whiteboard memory. It's as if whatever was written on the whiteboard, we just erase it immediately. They don't allow the negative energy from the first eight misses to affect the night shot. That I'm not allowing my emotions or how I feel in the moment to dictate my behavior and actions. The name of the game is put the ball in the basket. But a lot of other people like, oh, I've lost momentum. Maybe I was a fluke. Most people's confidence or their identity is very fragile. It's predicated on results all the time. Yes. We don't control our feelings. We control what we do with them. We control whether or not we listen to them, but we don't necessarily control our feelings or our thoughts. Mhmm. That I want folks to be very proactive in figuring out what's their next play going to be Mhmm. Instead of reactive when it happens. That's so good. Because if you keep behaving in the same manner, you will keep getting what you're getting. Alright. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So today, I've got a guest back on that all of you told me is one of your all time favorites. So the downloads were through the roof because when you do a podcast with Alan, you get value out of every single minute. So we're gonna really talk about your mindset, winning, the philosophies that make people fulfilled and successful, and he's just great at it. He's got a new book out, by the way. I wanna make sure that I get the book in here first, which is called Next Play. And I already know what the the meaning of the book is, so we're gonna get into that. But just so you know his background, he's a guru in NBA circles. He's a mental coach. He's helped a whole bunch of different NBA players. Just think Kevin Durant. Let's just start with that name alone with their mental games, with their shooting games, with high performance techniques. And we're gonna get into a lot of that stuff that applies to you directly in your business and your life today with Alan Stein. Welcome back, brother. It's so good to see you. Thank you so much. You're the best hype man in the world. Well, it's a fact. If I ever become a boxer or a rapper, I'm taking you with me, man. You're the hype man. Yeah. I'm big in the rapping circles. I figured you were. You, you know, not everybody comes back twice. You gotta really knock it out of the park to be on the show twice. So the fact that you're back here means my intro is accurate. Why'd you write this book? Like, next play of all the things of you could go through mental techniques, mindset, strategy, success principles, why next play? It's the the mantra that's had the biggest effect on my life, and it's done it from a very holistic approach. I mean, it's it's affected me as a father and as a parent. It's affected me as a business owner, as a speaker, as someone who still identifies as an athlete and still tries to hoop, like, next play just has so much utility. And when I first heard of it, because in in full transparency, coach k, the legendary basketball coach from Duke, was the one that came up with the concept. K. And I read about it in his book in the the early two thousands, but I didn't have the emotional maturity to actually implement it. Consciously, it made sense, and I thought, yeah, this would be very helpful. But I was I allowed myself to be emotionally hijacked all of the time, and I allowed myself to get frustrated and disappointed by things that had happened in the past, and it took me away from being present. It wasn't till ten years later when I was working at DeMatha Catholic High School with the basketball program there that I saw it put into practice with the head coach Mike Jones, and that's when I started to implement it. And everything in my life changed afterwards. And I I now look at next play through a few different lenses. Yeah. The ones we're most familiar with is in the micro, is in the moment. You know, it's next pitch, next play, next sale, next conversation. It's when something doesn't go your way in the micro, can you quickly refocus the lens on what's happening now, which is the ultimate premise. Don't focus on what just happened. Focus on what's happening now. But as I age get closer to age 50, I'll be turning 50 in a couple of months. I also zoom out and I use next play in the macro and go, alright. What's what's gonna be the next play of my life when my three children leave the house and I'm an empty nester? What's gonna be the next play of my life when, unfortunately, my my aging parents who aren't in great health, they're not gonna be around very much longer. And, you know, I've identified as being the the son of two parents for fifty years, but that's going to shift and change at some point. And what's what's the next play that I'm going to step into? And, you know, I'm I'm divorced, so I had to find a next play after marriage. So there's there's these big macro transitions that we all experience in life that I want folks to be very proactive in figuring out what's their next play going to be instead of reactive when it happens. That's so good. I'm thinking about people that I know that struggle in life and in both the micro and the macro, they struggle with this. Yes. In other words, you know, they missed a sale call, and now they're dragging the pain and the frustration from that into the next one. Exactly. And then they're on their a game there. I also think of all the setbacks in life and not having a plan for that next play. Like, it's it's really profound. I was thinking of Belichick Yeah. With we're on to Cincinnati. Absolutely. You know, like, that game's done. We've already played the game that's famous time you know, NFL coach Bill Belichick. They'd just gotten I think it was blown out by Kansas City. Yeah. I think it was. And they're asking all these questions. Are you guys done for the year? And he's like, no. We're on to Cincinnati. In other words, that game's over. Next play. Yes. How's it let's let's go to the micro first. Sure. Love that. How how do you do this strategically? Like, I'm thinking of thinking of, you know, Kobe, you know, who you've worked with and been around Kobe. You know, he's misses his first eight shots. A lot of guys, the difference that separates Kobe Bryant, you tell me if I'm wrong, a lot of guys pucker up and now they're passing. They don't wanna take the shot. Right. They don't wanna have another next miss, so they become hesitant in the next thing. What is something strategically that you have in the book that you that helps someone transition to the next play? What do you do? Well, well, we call it a whiteboard memory. It's as if whatever was written on the whiteboard, we just erase it immediately. You know, great shooters like Kobe, for example, they don't allow the negative energy from the first eight misses to affect the night shot. They shoot the night shot as if they had made the first date, and you can only do that if you have a very short term memory, which is which is incredibly important. Mhmm. The other thing is we can't let our feelings and our emotions dictate our behaviors and actions. If we do that, we become inconsistent by definition. We're human beings, and and we're gonna experience every single emotion under the sun. And I'm of the belief there are no bad emotions. Every emotion serves a purpose for us, but we have to be very careful in letting our emotions drive the car and letting them dictate how we behave. You know, if I'm only kind and thoughtful and and generous when I'm in a good mood, well, that means probably half of my life, I'm gonna be the exact opposite of those things. So I wanna make sure that that I'm not allowing my emotions or how I feel in the moment to dictate my behavior and actions, and it's the same thing. I would want a player to be disappointed that they miss their first eight shots. I mean, let's not forget, the name of the game is put the ball in the basket. And and as much work as they've put in, it's okay if they're disappointed that they missed those eight shots, but they can't let that disappointment dictate their behavior. They can't let it dictate their actions. They can't let it dictate how they shoot that ninth shot. So the ability to separate how we feel from the standard of how we perform and the standard of of how we show up, to me, that's that's a crucial component of Next Play. Is it that is it like the fragility of some people's identity and confidence that causes this to be the case? In other words, because I've I've I'm I'm think even if you transition out of sports, I just think of, like, business people that I know. I've just been around people. Like, they've missed three or four sales in a row. Mhmm. They're almost like, well, odds are I'm getting the next one. But a lot of other people, like, oh, I've lost momentum. Maybe I was a fluke. Like, most people's confidence or their identity is very fragile. It's predicated on results all the time. Yes. And that's what oh, that and you're so insightful. And that's where the the pitfall is. We cannot attach our self worth and our self belief to the outcomes because by definition, we don't control outcomes. Now you know me. I'm a process oriented guy. Yeah. I would much rather my identity be tied to the process, to my effort, to my attitude, to the things that I have control over, as opposed to to outcomes because we don't control those. You don't control the sale. What you do control is, did you put yourself or your product and service in the best position to be of service to someone else? Did you qualify the right prospect and you're asking the right questions of the right people? If you do that, you will tend to get more sales than not, but you still don't have ultimate control over it. And once again, I'm all about consistency. If I'm only confident and have self belief when I'm getting the outcomes I want, then when I don't, then the the confidence goes down. And and and I want confidence to be a controllable factor. And I'm a a believer that confidence comes from a few different areas. The one that I've learned from you is it comes from keeping the promises we make to ourself. Mhmm. You know, if you tell yourself you're gonna get up at 6AM and and go for a jog, if you wake up and do that, your confidence starts to build. Mhmm. If you hit the snooze and you pull the covers over your head, your confidence starts to erode. Mhmm. Confidence also comes from demonstrated performance. You know, the reason Kobe was such a confidence player is because he put in more work during the unseen hours than arguably anybody else on the planet. He's seen the ball go through the basket when no one else is watching, which that demonstrated performance then carries over when when the lights are on. And then the last one is the little voice that we have inside of our head, our our self narrative and our self talk. And if anyone watching or listening right now says, I don't have a little voice in my head. Well, who do you think just said that to you? It's the little voice in your head. So we we all have it. And do you talk to yourself in an empowering, a constructive way, you know, with compassion? Or do you talk to yourself in a very critical and judgmental way? And and how we talk to ourselves dictates how we feel about ourselves. So if we can do those three things and those are all controllable, we can build confidence. Let's talk you did this in the last show, but just it was a long time ago and people might not have heard it. I think, I think I work pretty hard. But I would agree. And I think in the business sense that I do, but I also thought I worked pretty hard in the gym. And then I went and trained with a couple guys that are former mister Olympias. And it was like, oh, there's levels to this thing. Yes. Right? There's levels. And, I don't. I mean, just flat out, I couldn't hang. Sure. And I think a lot of times you think you're working hard if you're listening to this compared to what? Compared to the three people in your cubicle or compared to the greatest of all time in your craft? Like, compared to what? And or compared to your capacity. And so I think this Kobe story that you told me on the last show Mhmm. Is just indicative because I think a lot of athletes that are this is athletes, but they think they work hard. Yeah. And then there's guys in the NBA that work hard. Then there was Kobe. I Tim Grover told me on the show. I said, what was the difference between Kobe and Jordan? Yeah. And he goes, two hardest working guys by a mile I ever had. Yep. He goes, I could actually persuade Michael at some point to leave the gym. Mhmm. And he said in Kobe's case, I'd persuade him to leave and then I'd find out he'd come back. Yeah. The key was just a level that was just beyond. Tell him the Kobe story. Do you remember the story you told me about getting to the you know the story. Do I remember it? Yeah. I almost almost every single keynote that I've given in the last ten years, I start with the Kobe story because it was such a fundamental experience for me Yeah. And how it shifted my perspective. And what I'll do is I'll I'll I'll give you the abbreviated version of the Kobe story, and then I'll tell you the part two, which I know we talked about last time, but it's one that I rarely tell. But it it really glues everything together. Okay. So in in 2007, Nike hired me to work, the Kobe Bryant Skills Academy. Nike was starting a series of events where they wanted their flagship athletes to be able to have an impact on the top high school and college players. And I got a chance to watch one of Kobe's really early morning workouts. I mean, he was in the gym at 03:30 in the morning. I mean, keep in mind, for most NBA players in the off season, 03:30 in the morning is when you're coming home From the club. From something, from the club or from the bar. Yeah. And that's when he's starting his day. And and but the the most impressive was not just the wake up time and the start time, but it was his relentless obsession and commitment to the fundamentals. Like, he was working on moves that I kid you not, I had taught to middle school aged players. Now he was doing it with an unparalleled level of intensity and just an incredible level of detail and precision and focus, but it wasn't the stuff that he was doing that was remarkable. It was the way that he was doing it. And he always knew that that working on mastery of the fundamentals was the foundation to which everything else was built. And when I when I asked him about it later at camp, that's when he said something that, I kid you not, still puts the hairs on my neck, makes them stand up, and it changed my life forever. I said, Kobe, you're the best player in the world. Why were you doing such basic drills this morning? And he smiled and he winked, and he said, well, why do you think I'm the best player in the world? It's because I never get bored with the basics. And that that line of I never get bored with the basics changed everything for me. As a young coach, honestly, I had the arrogance to think that there were things that were beneath me, things that I didn't need to do. And then here I meet someone who's world class at his craft, and if he can tell me that the reason he's world class is because of his attention to the basics, then who am I to ever skip them? So for me right now, in every area of my life that I aim for excellence, whether it's being a father, being a speaker, being a friend, being a business owner, I identify the four or five key fundamentals that will allow me to be excellent in that area, and I work relentlessly towards mastery of them. Now with that, I can say with a huge smile, I'm not coming from a place of mastery on any of that stuff. But what I can say with an equally huge smile is I'm making progress, and I'm moving in the right direction. And I can sit here with you right now and tell you I'm a better man in every area of my life than I was the last time I saw you a couple years ago on your show. So I'm going in the right direction. I'm not there yet, and, truthfully, I never will be, but I'm moving in the right direction. But the the the second half of that Kobe story, which which I rarely tell, is the reason Kobe decided to get up so early in the morning was he had already identified that that his competition in the NBA, if he took the upper 10% of players in the NBA, that they were gonna work out twice a day during the off season. The mediocre players in the NBA are gonna work out once. The the really dedicated ones work out twice. And Kobe said to himself, well, if I only do what everyone else is doing, how will I I create any separation? How will I create, you know, improve above them? So he said if they're gonna work out twice a day, I have to work out three times a day. And he said the only other way I can fit that in is by getting up extra early. So in his mind, he said, when I'm coming home from workout number one, you're getting to the gym for your workout number one. I'm always one step ahead of you, but the part that that I loved, he said in one off season, that might not create much separation. But you start to stack years, and in his case, played almost twenty years, you create separation that no one can ever catch. And the most important part, though, that I wanna make sure your listeners and your your viewers understand, I'm not saying that more is always better. In fact, more is rarely better. Better is better. So it's not just that Kobe did more work. It was also his attention to detail and the quality of the work that he put in. An hour for him is not the same as an hour for other players. It's kinda like at work. The the average person works, you know, an eight hour workday, but how much are they actually working? Yep. Studies show you're working, like, three hours out of eight because the other five is fluff. Yep. Kobe's sixty minutes of dedicated work is sixty minutes of dedicated work. Mhmm. And when you can pack that kind of punch, then, I mean, your efficiency and your effectiveness is just unmatched. I can see the work you've put in, by the way. Thank you. I I your children are here with you today, and I believe you about being a better man than you were the first time I met you. But I could tell you this, your your communication through the roof. Thank you. You're at a whole different level. By the way, if you're looking for a great keynote, Alan's unbelievable. But I can see it on you right now. I was wondering, you know, you say in the book about operating systems. Yeah. You know? What what what do you what do you mean when you say that? What is what is an would upgrade your operating system? What does that mean? Well, I'm I don't know if you have an iPhone. I have an iPhone and many people do. And, you know, every couple of months, there's an upgrade to the operating system. And it it usually says, we're working out some of the bugs. We're gonna make this more efficient, more effective. Like, they want your phone to to to be as helpful of a resource as possible. And I believe as human beings, we all have our operating systems. Mhmm. And mine has radically I mean, when I think of the operating system I was using in my twenties compared to now as I'm knocking on the door of 50, it's radically different. Yeah. But it's it's small incremental tweaks. None of this stuff you know, same thing with your iPhone. You know, it it doesn't make these big colossal changes every time there's an upgrade. It just makes some slight changes. And for us as human beings, it's the changes we make to our perspective, to our approach, to our belief system, to to what we choose to feed ourselves with. I mean, obviously, you are in incredible shape, so I know that that you're very careful with what you put in your body as far as nourishment. But you know as well as anyone, we also have to be very careful with what we feed our brain Yes. What we feed our emotions, you know, the people we choose to associate with and hang out with. You know? Never spend extensive time with someone you don't wanna become. Like, how how basic of a premise is that? But that is a huge one because when I look at times in my life where I wasn't performing at the level I think I was capable of, I was also hanging around people that were more of an anchor than uplifters. Mhmm. And and and I have to switch my environment. I'm a huge believer in environment. So we wanna create the environment that's going to allow us to be successful. And what environment could be better than trying to spend time with people that I mean, I I have so much admiration and respect for you and what you've built. You know? I I I want to to step into to the opportunities and things that you've been able to do. Mhmm. So in order to do that, I read, watch, and listen to everything that you put out because I want to surround myself with what I need to uplevel. And it's the same thing I try to model for my children and model for everyone, whether I'm talking on stage or writing something on page. That's what's most important. So you know what, guys? When I started this podcast, I was new to the business. My son was actually the editor, and he was 14 years old. And I had all these doubts sinking in. I really didn't know what I was doing in terms of running a business. How are we gonna sell our merch? Did we need a website? How are we gonna do marketing? What if it doesn't work out? You know? And that's where Shopify came in. I'm gonna tell you guys something. If you see me doing something online, Shopify is involved as is true for most entrepreneurs. Believe it or not, 10% of all the commerce in The US from household names like the Ed Mylett Show, the people that are just getting started, 10% of all commerce online ecommerce is done by Shopify that are involved. Just go check it out. There's so many different things I could do for you. I can't put it all in this one minute conversation with you. It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com/mylet. That's shopify.com/mylet. Shopify.com/mylet. You You know why I think I like being around you? I'm thinking I just I'm watching you, and I'm like, what is it with this guy? Like, every time I've been around you. And I'm thinking about all the winners that I know. And I wanna I just ask you this. It's this is in the book, but kinda not. I wanna I wanna just speak to this. I'm just thinking about it as we're talking. Like, what you just said previously about the attention to detail with Kobe. Yes. I'm blown away by people that say they wanna be multimillionaires, but they don't refine their craft with such specificity. Or I meet speakers that they're not watching the nuance specific things I do when I speak. They don't they're they're they're understanding of what the level needs to be to be great at something Yeah. They're oblivious to. They actually think if I'm gonna be pretty good then I'll just get you have to be great at what you do. You gotta be the best at what you do. And you can hear my intensity change. And this is the thing that I see with you, and this is the thing I wanna ask you about. It's in the book, but it's not, but I wanna touch on it. You know, it's just true. When you're around major players, I mean, a great mom, an unbelievable school teacher, a world class athlete, incredible business person, great sales there's a level of intensity about these people that when you're around them, you flipping feel it. You have a level of intensity about you. I do. Like, I'm an intense man. Yes. Like, I'm a nice guy, but I don't play around. Like, if if if we're doing something, I'm here to win. I'm here to take over. I'm here to dominate. I'm here to do something great. You've been around all these great athletes. Would you agree with me that the Kobe's or the Curry's or there's just a switch. There's a level of intensity, frequency, vibration, passion that they have, that they've developed. I believe you have. Oh, well, thank you. Jim Grover has. That's just it's just a different level, and I don't know that it's one of these things ever talked about in personal development and success. It's just intensity. Yeah. What do you think about that idea? Well, I love it. I think you're right on point. And the way I would define it, it's it's the ability to focus and it's the ability to be in the present moment. Ultimately, that's what defines intensity. Mhmm. We'll all express it in different ways. I consider myself incredibly intense, but I also I I don't think I come across as, like, the typical alpha male, like Mhmm. Trying to dominate situations and dominate conversations. That's not my style. Agreed. But what I can do is I have the ability to focus, which by definition means block out all of the distractions and block out everything that is unnecessary or unessential and focus on what matters most, which is is the premise of the book is focus learning first of all, you have to identify what matters most, and then you have to be able to focus on it. But all of this comes back to the ability to focus on the present moment, to know what you have control over and let go of the things that you don't. And to me, that's the level of intensity. You know, that's a reason why a Kobe or a Steph Curry, have that intensity is they can block out everything that's going on in the world and focus on the task at hand, what's right in front of them. And they also have the the the masterful ability to literally just focus on the step that's right in front of them. Yeah. This possession. They're not worried about winning the game, not at that moment. They're worried about just winning this possession, whether it's on offense or defense and being able to to to micro that down is incredibly important. And, yes, from a from a speaking standpoint, I study that craft relentlessly. I know you do. I I wanna be the best speaker that I'm capable of Mhmm. Because I believe it's an opportunity for me to share a message that I'm passionate about. Yeah. And certainly, I study other speakers like yourself. Mhmm. And and here's a helpful tip for someone that wants to become a better speaker, a better communicator. I'll take a clip of you and watching you speak, and I'll watch it in three different ways. One, I'll watch it with absolutely no audio. I just watch you. Now I see your mouth moving, but I don't know what you're saying. But I watch your mannerisms. I watch your physicality. I watch I can see the intensity on your face. Face. Second, I'll only listen to the audio. So I won't I won't watch anything that you're doing and only hear your tonality, your ability to pause because we know there's a power in the pause, your inflection, your volume, and I'm gonna hear how you're manipulating your instrument, which is your voice. And then the third time I watch it, I'm gonna watch the whole package together, and I'm gonna watch the entire thing. And I'm gonna look at you from a delivery standpoint, from a content standpoint. Now when I'm doing that, my goal is to not be you. Yeah. There's only one you, and you're doing it better than anybody else. Oh, I know what that means. But my goal is to be able to say, what are some things that Ed is a master of on stage that if I work hard enough and I add to my speaking game, I can start to emulate and make a part of what I do? And then I also make sure that I study things outside of keynote speakers. I made a kind of a joke earlier, but I'm I'm really serious. I study hip hop and I study stand up comedy. So do I. Because those are two forms of of spoken word that first of all, I I enjoy. So I actually like both of those art forms. Yep. But there's so much that you can learn from hip hop artists and from stand up comedians on how to tell story, on how to sway emotion. So I try and study those. Not because I want to be either, and don't worry, I couldn't be either, but I can take things from those. So I I take that holistic approach, and then I'm I constantly iterate. You know, I tell many of the same stories, and I had been telling them for years, but my overall program has really grown Yeah. And it iterates. And I'm not afraid to try new stuff. Here's another one that I I think you'll appreciate, and I learned this from a good friend of mine who's a brilliant speaker. He does what's called the new two. In every single talk he gives, he does two minutes of brand new material that he has never shared shared publicly. He's never never done in front of anyone, but he's not afraid to try it. Yep. And he tested out. And if it goes really well, that new two might turn into a new seven. Yep. If it doesn't go well, he asked himself two questions. Can I try and tweak it and iterate it and try it again? Or sometimes, you know, in baseball, sometimes we just swing and we miss. Yep. And that's okay. But either one. So, for a guy like that who gives 80 keynotes a year, that's a hundred and sixty minutes of brand new material that he gets to try in front of a live audience. And and I've I've tried to work that in. So every single talk I give, I integrate something new in. And it's amazing how quickly you can iterate and grow when you're willing to just inch by inch kind of step into that next play. Brother, I'm loving this. I have to tell you that I by the way, on the speaking part, you know, mine is stand ups as well. And, actually, you know, for years, I'd watch pastors, people that just speak in a different separate environment. Right? And how they and and, the tip of here's the point, everybody. Let's say you don't wanna be a speaker. Are you trying to be that great at what you do? Do you view what you do as a science and an art both Mhmm. And really begin to study the people that are exemplary at it? Like like in my point in my life, like, business is important to me, but like in my life, the last five, ten years, you know, I feel like I I I my passion play has not been business or speaking or podcasting even though it's something that I do. It's been more like, what kind of a father am I? Love that. And so but I study. I it's I study. I've I've I've brought people into my life, men into my life that I think are great fathers to your previous point. Yep. And I study them. Like, I'll give you a Kobe story that wouldn't be the story. I may have told I don't think I've told you this. No. So our daughters played volleyball in the same league, same together. Yep. And, I was with Kobe, two days before he was taken from us. And, we're at a volleyball tournament, and I'm in this dad mode of I'm watching great dads. I'm gonna tell you something about Kobe, you guys. I don't know all of his personal life, but I could tell you this. I watched him as a father. It's incredible. Mhmm. And I'm gonna give you a little thing that I noticed. This is the most between you and I podcast. Sometimes people listen to it. We're at the gym. It's if if you're a volleyball dad, you'll know this. These are long, noisy days. Yeah. So we had got there about 08:00. The last match was about 10PM that night. There's, like, three dads left in the gym. Yeah. Me and Kobe were two of them. And the the match ended. And I'm over with my daughter, and she's picking up her gear and I'm over there talking to her about the match. And Kobe was holding his little girl and he was at the other end of the gym. And for some reason, I'll never forget it, he had this black and white sweat. I watched Kobe walk out of the gym that night. I don't know why. I've been around him a bunch of times. For some reason that night, I couldn't take my eyes off him. And, it wasn't that he was Kobe. Right. I was watching him as a dad. Let me tell you what he did that I just little nuance. Yeah. It's the little nuances on what you just said about watching it with the sound off or whatever it might be. It your craft and what you wanna be great at everybody. And so I watched Kobe and I'd got Bella's bag and good job, honey. Kobe with his daughter had the baby in his arm. His daughter packed her bag and he hugged her for a minute. He hugged her. And then as they started to walk out of the gym, he put his arm around his daughter, and they walked out of the gym together as he, like, caressed and embraced his daughter. And I stood and watched him walk out. And I went, I don't hug Bella enough. I don't physically hug her enough. And I do a better job of that now. That's awesome. But it was just watching that little nuance. You know, it's interesting. I was thinking, what if someone had told Kobe as he walked out of that gym tonight, Allen? Kobe, you have two more days. Oh, man. Make sure you really hug those little girls. Yeah. Tell Vanessa how much you love her. Call your dad. Make it right. You know, what if we knew time was running out on us? Because I don't know if it's two days or two hundred days or two thousand days. Right. But there's time running out on us. Yes. Anyway, my point is, my when you wanna be great at something, study the greats and look for the nuances, the small things. That's so profound what you said. I just wanna give you my Kobe story I love that. Which is a bad story, not a basketball one. That's gonna make me emotional. What about, you said earlier about the process, so I don't wanna push you on this. You said I'm a real process running guy, but don't be so addicted to it. What if someone right now there's I'm gonna give you just the hard question. Someone right now is like, I'm I need, I need the next play. I just had my business fail. I just got replaced by AI. My relationship just ended. I mean, I'm I'm I'm on the turf, man. I'm knocked down on the canvas right now. Yeah. What's would you describe to them how to get into the next play? What would you say to that person? The very first thing I'd say is it's okay to not be okay. And whatever you're feeling right now, all that means is that you're human. That that's part of the human experience. And and when your business fails or your relationship fails or you you've taken one on the chin, it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be disappointed. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay any of those things. Like we said earlier, I don't believe that there are any negative emotions. I believe every emotion serves a purpose. Now there are certainly ones that aren't very pleasant, and we'd prefer not to feel them, but we have them for a reason. So the first thing is is give yourself the compassion to be okay with not being okay and know that what you're doing is human. Don't resist it. Don't suppress it. Don't ignore it. Embrace those feelings. Then you have to say, well, what is the next step that I can take, the next play that is within my control that can at least inch me in the right direction. Inch me in the direction of feeling a little better or more confident or more optimistic. Inch me in the right direction of maybe picking up the pieces of my business, either repairing that relationship or acknowledging that I'm gonna start a new one, but just take the very next step that you can take, because once again, we wanna make sure that we're in control of our actions and our behaviors and our decisions. We're not letting the the emotions drive that car because the emotions will tell us, I just give up. I don't even wanna try. This is awful. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. And and if you're willing to do that, then the cool part about when we look backwards, when we have the gift of hindsight, we can change our relationship with the past. We can't change the facts of the past, but we can change our relationship of the past. But a perfect example and I my my three kids are sitting here watching this. I don't even know if they've heard me say this before. When I went through my divorce ten years ago, at the time, I thought it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Now looking back, it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me because of the path that it puts me on. And I'm I have a great amicable and civil relationship with their mom. She's a fantastic mom, have a wonderful relationship with my three kids, but I didn't see any of that when I was in the middle of it. You know, you you can't see the picture when you're in the frame. So sometimes you gotta be able to step outside of that. And now when I look back, I can say that that's one of the best things that ever happened. So the other reason I say that is whatever someone is going through right now, this failed business, this failed relationship, at the moment, it's okay if it feels like it's the worst thing that ever happened to you, but you can change that perspective. And one day, you're gonna look back and say this was the the conduit that sparked greatness. This was this failed business is what put me on another track to start an even better business. This failed relationship, which didn't work, actually allowed me to attract and meet the person I'm with now, which is the best it's ever been. So so just understand that we're all in this for the long game. Now time is not promised as you just said. Like, I'm not guaranteed that my flight will even land from Tucson. I certainly hope that it does, but we're not promised any of it. So but we just wanna make sure that we have that perspective that as long as I am going to be here, like, I'm in control of these these the the way that I'm going to approach this. And that's really powerful to me. I really enjoy talking to you. Same. Thank you. I really do. Alright. You're so good. Yeah. If I ask the average person listening to this right now, you know what they would say? They would say, I said, what do you want to be? The average person well, most people in fact, maybe I would say this. They'd say, I wanna be happier. But in the book, you go, not so fast, to quote Lee Corso. You go seek what? Not happiness. I know what you say, but I want you to tell them. I'm well and I'm also like you, I study language. And, to me, the the issue with happiness is happiness is an emotion, and all emotions are fleeting. So there's no single person in the world, myself at the front of that line, that is happy twenty four seven. Correct. So happiness ebbs and flows. In fact, I can be happy in one moment, receive a text from someone else, and all of a sudden be immediately unhappy based on what that text said. So I don't really have control over my happiness because we contrary to popular belief, we don't control our feelings. We control what we do with them. We control whether or not we listen to them and how we use them, but we don't necessarily control our feelings or our thoughts. Mhmm. To me, I'm much more in pursuit of fulfillment. I'm much because to me, fulfillment is a joy, and an enjoyment of who I'm with, what I'm doing, and that is much more within my control. Because there can be times where I can still have a really solid sense of peace and fulfillment even if I'm not happy in the moment. So to me, fulfillment is is less of a feeling and it's more of a a state. It's more of a, how we're experiencing life. And to me, that's more important. You know, a lot of times as parents, people say, well, well, I just want my kids to be happy. Well, of course, in general, I want my kids to be happy. But you know what I want more than I want my kids to be happy? I want them to be resilient. I want them to have the ability to manage their their emotions. I want my kids to be able to take one on the chin and still be able to pick themselves up and move forward with optimism and confidence. So I don't I don't wish for my children to have fewer problems. I try to teach them how to build the strength to overcome whatever problems they're going to have. And to me, that's way more important than them always being happy. So as a father, and they would even tell you this, I don't bend over backwards to try to make sure they're happy twenty four seven. Mhmm. Like, I let my kids, you know, experience sadness, experience disappointment. I want you guys to sit with it. I don't try to, you know, anesthetize them to the the those types of feelings. I want them to experience life, and I want them to do it at a young age. So when they're older, they have the ability to regulate their emotions, which I believe is arguably the most important skill that any of us can develop as humans and the most important skill we can teach our children is the ability to understand, manage, process, and use your emotions. And if I could give my kids any gift, it would be that. It would not be happiness or or rainbows and ice cream all of the time. How do you do that? So I agree with you, by the way. Emotional regulation and emotional like, what I look for in friends Yeah. Leaders oftentimes one of my criticisms of some of the leaders we're subjected to in the world regularly is their lack of emotional maturity, and emotional regulation. And so, I totally agree with you on that. And it's something, by the way, I think you pick up a lot of your emotions. Like, I grew up with a kind of I sometimes feel bad that I, my dad was, like, my favorite human being ever. But when he was drinking, anger was a big thing. Worry was a big thing. As a consequence, I think a lot of things with our kids are caught, not taught. Right? Yes. We catch it. I caught, hey, when things don't go right, anger. You know? I caught worrying. I caught anxiety. I caught these things, and they became patterns in my life. I had to become self aware that these are the emotions that they're not good or bad, as you said. Yeah. But the quality of your life's the quality of your emotions. And so if I'm regularly experiencing anger, worry, frustration, angst, fear, that's my life. Yes. And I don't want that life, so I get to become aware of it. So let's just run a scenario out. Sure. You you two stud sons over there and your daughter. One of your sons comes home, says, I got an f on my test. I got god forbid, I got caught drinking at school, and my girlfriend broke up with me. I'm talking the trifecta of Quite a day. Stuff. What do we do to help him move to the next play and emotionally regulate? Well, certainly, before I can say or do anything, it would be helpful if I've modeled all of this beforehand. Amen. And that's where you're caught, not taught. Mhmm. I say that all the time. I probably owe you royalties on that statement. That's probably not mine. Yeah. So I wanna make sure that I've modeled for them and the the times where those types of things have happened to me that I've been able to model the emotional regulation skills and the ability to, you know so I've planted those seeds. And I've I've always believed it's never too early to plant seeds. Mhmm. I was planting seeds with them before they even knew it. And now at their current age as a father, there's nothing that brings me more joy than seeing a seed that I planted ten years ago when they didn't even know it come to fruition now with something they say or do. And it just it's the most fulfilling feeling as you know as a father. That's wonderful. But the next thing I would say is, I'm a big believer in accountability. So in any of those situations, the f, the caught drinking, or the the girlfriend broke up, the first question I would ask is, well, what role did you play in that? How were you complicit into those things happening? Because I understand as teenagers counterculture. Beautiful. Very good. But as teenagers, their default will be what my default was as a teenager, which is to blame, complain, and make excuses. All of those it wasn't my fault I got an f. The teacher's an idiot. They didn't teach us what was gonna be on it. Wasn't my fault my girlfriend broke up. She's crazy. She didn't you know? The the drinking thing, like, they'd find a way to make an excuse on why that happened even though they were the ones that actually sent me out. I don't think it's teenagers. I think it's humans. Yes. So I would I we don't allow blaming, complaining, or making excuses. I would say, ask yourself, how are you complicit and what role did you play? That's the very first step. And then figuring out, alright. Well, we're gonna use this. We're gonna use this pain. We're gonna use this disappointment. We're gonna use whatever the consequences are as a catalyst to grow and to move forward. Because this is not this is not a death sentence. You just made three boneheaded mistakes or or three things that happened to you that happened to most teenagers. And I understand that it's painful right now, and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna trivialize it. I'm not gonna say, like, well, don't worry. It's just your high school girlfriend. You might not even remember her name in twenty years. Even though the 50 year old Allen knows that, the 15 year old Allen certainly didn't. So I'm gonna make sure that they understand that I have nothing but compassion and understanding for what they're going through and that it is a big deal to them at the moment. But I'm gonna hold them accountable to it, and then I'm gonna make sure they understand. Well, if you want a different outcome in the future, then how will you behave differently in the future? Like, let's not let this adversity go to waste. Let's not let these experiences go to waste. Let's pull something from them so that the next time you have a test or someone asks you if you want a drink or you're in a new relationship, how can you behave differently? Because if you keep behaving in the same manner, you will keep getting what you're getting. And if you don't wanna keep getting what you've been getting, then you better change what you've been doing. So I would do all of that, but I would also do it in a compassionate way. I would do it without judgment. I'm not gonna, you know, you know, I'm not you didn't study for your test. Of course, you got an f. What are you, an idiot? What do you no. I would just say, hey. There have been times too where I haven't studied for tests, and guess what? I got burnt just like you did. Do you know what I learned to do? I learned to to improve my study habits so next time that doesn't happen. Very good. And I know what it feels like to have someone break up with you and your heart's aching right now. It's not a great feeling, but you will get past this, and let's let's be here together. Because as as their father, the most important thing I want them to know, obviously, is that I love them, but I believe in them, and I've got their back. And and and I know that, like, this will be okay, but I'm gonna walk through the mud with them, and I'm gonna walk through the mud with my arm around them. I'm not gonna put them on an island. I'm not gonna judge them. I'm not gonna make assumptions, but but that would kinda be the collective cocktail of of what I would do with them. The reason I asked that everybody is so you can now go back in three minutes and listen to that again. I wanted you to have a blueprint for when someone you love needs a next play. Yeah. And he gave it to you. He said, look. I gotta let him know I love him. Mhmm. I gotta let him know I believe in him. We gotta make these decisions. I gotta put my arm around him and walk through the mud with them. Yeah. I gotta let them not be a victim and blame. They gotta take accountability. These are that's the blueprint to help someone you love around you, friend, family, etcetera, who's going through something where they need a next play. Alright. Last thing I wanna ask you about. By the way, have everybody go get next play. Thank you. You should hire Allen as a speaker. You can just tell. Right? Thank you. He's outstanding. Tell you a story that I want to ask you about. I think all this next play stuff, what you said earlier is true. It's gotta come down to your belief that you can hit that next shot Absolutely. That you can turn it around. So I'm a young guy, and I'm in my mid twenties, and I I won a trip. One of my one of my first incentive trips ever to go to Hawaii. First time I'd ever been to Hawaii. My family had never been there before. Wow. And, I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton Kapalua. And I remember I was so broke when I went, Alan, that the hamburgers were, like, $22 back then. I went to the grocery store, bought all my food. I'm walking through the Ritz Carlton with a brown bag of groceries, you know, so I could eat for the week. And, I a lot of guys didn't train and work out back then. I'm so old. So I get up the next morning, go for a run. Stark out. Because I'm running back, running down the beach, I know you know this, coming by me is I got a Sony Walkman on. It's that long ago. Stu's running by me. It's a bald guy and he's all sweaty. He's got a hairy back, but the tide's high. So, like, the beach is, like, this wide. So I don't wanna bump this dude and get his sweat on me, you know. So he's running by me, and I avoid him barely. And I look, and it's Wayne Dyer. Oh my goodness. One of the godfathers of all time of personal development and a hero to me. And he runs by, and I I yell to him. And it's cool nowadays. Even sometimes people will say this to me, and then I go Yeah. I go, doctor Dyer, you changed my life. And he had a deep voice, you know, like, similar to my voice, and he goes he stops running. He turns around, pulls his headphones off, and he goes, I doubt it. He goes, I bet you changed your life. Mhmm. But how did I help? Yeah. And he walks towards me, and we sit down on the beach together. And for an hour and probably a half, I watched the sun come up with Wayne Dyer. Wow. At the end of the hour and a half, bro, and this is what I wanna ask you about on next play Yes. In confidence. He goes, Ed, you're gonna change the world. Now to me, I he I thought he'd never said that to anybody before. Of course. Maybe he said it to everybody. But to me, I was like, oh my gosh. And he said he said, you're a powerhouse. And he said, would you do me a favor and never attach your self confidence to this amazing ability you have? I said, ability is all that voice in your mind and your ability to he goes, Ed, if you, if you're gonna chase your confidence based on your results, you'll be chasing that tail all of your life. It'll be a roller coaster of life. And I said, well, then where do I get my confidence from? I wanna get good. Yeah. You know? And he goes, I think you're gonna change the world because of your intentions. Oh, I love that. You have incredible intent. Now what I didn't know is at that time, he was writing a book called The Power of Intention. He goes, you're a good man. You're a good man, and you care about people, and you wanna make a difference. Now here's why that mattered. He told me something that I intuitively knew to be true about myself. Yeah. I'm not that talented. I'm not that smart. But I do think I'm a decent guy. And for the last thirty five years of my life, bro, before I speak, before I do a podcast, before I've walked into a business meeting, I connect with my intention. I go, I just I deserve to do well. I'm I'm trying to help. So I connect to my intent. I love that. It's been this barometer almost of my life. Don't you believe that part of turning the page to the next play, someone needs to remind themselves, I intend to do good. I intend to make a difference in people's lives. And so my confidence hasn't been that fragile because you're not gonna get me to believe I'm a bad guy. Right. Right? I you might say I'm dumb or I say something stupid or I'll make a mistake or I'm I agree with all of that, but I think I'm I think in my gut, I'm a pretty decent person. I would agree. What about intention in terms of making that next play and reconnecting with your intent, reconnecting with what your dreams and goals are as well in terms of making the next play? I know it's a wide road to get you there, but I wanted to ask you that. No. Well, I I mean, first and foremost, you know, as we say, the conversations we have with ourselves are the most important conversations we'll ever have. So we have to make sure that that's how we're talking to ourselves and that we remind ourselves of our intent, that we have we have big hearts and we're here to be of service. And but then we also need as we said with environment, we need to insulate ourselves with people that also remind us of that. Very good. That that can that can see that in us and want to to to champion that, but also care enough about us to help us see our blind spots and to see if we start to go a little bit off course. And and then we also need to be that light for others. You know, I'm a huge believer that a compliment unshared is an act of selfishness. If I have something nice to say and I choose not to say it, that's being selfish. So so what Wayne Dyer did, he didn't have to say any of that to you. Right. He didn't talk to me. He didn't have to even acknowledge you were on the beach. Right. But he did. Mhmm. And he did because he wants to be that light shining with somebody else. And I I know I I said this quote at the end of our last interview a few years ago, and it's what I got more DMs about than anyone. And that is a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. And that's really what we're in the business of. We're in the business and it doesn't matter if you're in the podcast business, the speaking business, the parenting business, whatever business you're in. It's our job to light other people's candles. But we can only do that if we light ours first. And then just remember that if my light is bright, then I can share that with as many people as possible. So we have to remind ourselves of those things and not let ourselves off the hook. I'm just like you. I believe I'm a good man with a good heart, but boy, have I said and done some really boneheaded things in my life. But those those are outcomes, and those are not a reflection of who I am. They're a reflection of maybe making a poor decision in the moment. Mhmm. And just like with the example of talking about my children, I've had to unpack that stuff. I've had to own it, understand my role in it. In many cases, apologize for it and make amends, but then I move to the next play and I let that go. I am what what I'm most proud of in my life, there's two things. One, of all of the boneheaded decisions I've made in my life, and I've made so many of them. I've made them out of impatience. I've made them out of fear. I've made them out of ego. I've made them out of insecurity. I've forgiven my previous self for all of those things because it doesn't do me any good to hold on to them. So I've dropped that anchor and I've moved to the next play. The other thing is and I have the optimism and some people think that the healthy delusion to believe that my next play is always gonna be my best play. Ask me the best speaking engagement I've ever done. It's the next one I've got. That and I really believe that. I believe my the the best relationships of my life are still in front of me. My best earning opportunities and business opportunities are still in front of me. My best friendships are still in front of me. And that doesn't mean that I'm degrading or trivializing the ones that are in my life now. They're incredibly valuable. But I have the optimist to believe that that my best are still in front of me. I also have the optimism to believe that 50 years old, I'm still gonna live another fifty years on this planet. So I'm at halftime right now, and, you know, being a sports guy, great sports teams and coaches and players always play a better second half than the first half because they make the adjustments that they need. So I'm gonna take all of the lessons I've learned in the first half of life, all of those boneheaded decisions that I've made, and I'm gonna apply them to the second half. And my the phrase I use with myself is my next 50 will be my best 50. And I can't wait to experience life as a father, as a friend, as a business owner, as a speaker, applying all of these lessons that I've learned, like, watch out, world. This next fifty years is gonna be off the charts. Bro, that was okay. Let me tell you what you all just listened to. You just listened to a great podcast. Like, this is why this podcast exists. Excellent. Elite. Outstanding. Exemplary. Tremendous. Like, bro. Well, you make it fun, and you provided a safe environment to to come here and just talk about things I'm passionate about and and I appreciate you. I'm a big believer of you, bro. I'm a big believer of you. And, you know what? What you just said there at the end, one of my favorite things ever, I, used to take all the boneheaded things I've done, stupid decisions, choices, mistakes, and mistakes, and use them as a weapon against me Yes. Don't do that. My identity and frequency so that I'd make more of them. Yeah. And at some point, I decided to do what you did as I've forgiven myself for my stupidness, and I've connected to my intention. And that was one of my favorite things that's been said on the show in ten years, which you just said there at the end. I'm on the show. Think about this. Those mistakes that both you and I have made, the man I am today is not in spite of those mistakes. It's because of those mistakes. That's who I am. That's part of the collage. True, bro. A lot of people ask me, I I've got some ink. I've got full sleeves, and I've been collecting tattoos, if you will, for thirty years. And the ones that start at the top of my shoulders, I got when I was 20 years old. It's, respectfully, to the the artist that did them, it's not the best artwork I've ever seen. But you know what? My arms are kind of a collage of everywhere I've been and who I've been at that point in time, and I'm actually proud of my artwork. If I started with blank skin right now and I were to go get two brand new sleeves, I would not get the same stuff that I have now. But I'm also not the same man I was when I got these when I originally had, so I'm okay with that. So I'm these they're kind of a a living, symbolism of who I am at different stages of my life, and that's how I look at all of this stuff. I'm not bashful about talking about the mistakes that I've made in the past. Were they painful at the time? Extraordinarily. But I I've used that to then propel forward. And I also know too, in the next fifty years, even though it's gonna be a great life Make sure. I got a lot more mistakes left in me. Mhmm. Here's the promise I try to make my to myself. Just stop making the same ones. I'm gonna make a fresh batch. I've got fifty years of a whole bunch of mistakes and boneheaded decisions coming up, but I'm not gonna keep making the same ones over and over. And to me, that's the most important part. So let's go out and make some mistakes, but let's make some new ones and some fresh ones. Well, so good. One thing was not a mistake is having you back on the show. Thank you. Really, really great stuff today, Alan. You guys, his next book is right now, Next Play. You can go get that. This has been Alan Stein, and it's been a great podcast. Thank you, brother. Share this episode with people that you love and care about. God bless you, everybody, and max out your life.

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## He Was in the Pentagon on 9/11 | The Truth About Real Leadership Feat. Vice Admiral James Crawford [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CGIar1NL8Q
- **Published:** 2 days ago

You were in the building in the Pentagon when it got hit? Yes, sir. I'm in the office, and I'm looking at the television where the planes have just hit the towers. Turned it off, and I started looking at thing the books on my shelf. I said, this is gonna get hot fast. What do I need? And the army sergeant came and said, did you feel that? What are you talking about? I said, something just happened. I'm gonna go and see. And so as soon as he opened the door, all the alarms in the building went off. The plane had hit the building. What I saw that day was remarkable. I saw people in times of challenge. You either become who you are truly, you revert to your training. Yeah. And those women and men were remarkable. Being in the Pentagon that day is a thing that I am so thankful that I was able to be there because I was where my country needed me to be to serve at that moment Yeah. With those incredible, incredible women and men that I was in there with. So So, hey, guys. I got something I'm really excited about I wanna share with you, and it involves my birthday. So here's the deal. Every year, I do a one day event in my home. Only do it once a year. And it's an event where I teach all of my visualization techniques, my cognitive rehearsals that I teach my one on one clients to pay me 6 and 7 figures, I do in my living room with you. And it's a very small group. You get a chance to go through how I do all my planning, my strategy, my rehearsals, all my techniques. Plus, just spend the day with me and ask me questions and meet a bunch of other great people as well. I did it and it sold out. Then we offered a second day, it sold out. Third day, it sold out. Fourth day, it sold out. Then I couldn't do anymore. And so there's been a lot of demand to do it. And so I've got one day free in the next four months, which is my birthday. And so I'm gonna host that event in my house. So if you wanna join me, 15 to 18 people in my living room for an entire day, it's not cheap. That's why I have free content here. But if you've got the means to do it, I'd love to spend the day with you. Go to maxout2026.com to get all the info. Alright. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So, you know, this year, you're gonna see some enhancements to the show that I'm really excited about. One of those things you're gonna see is we're gonna add additional content to the channel, meaning you're gonna see a few other hosts on the show that have been friends of mine for a long time and that I think will bring things to the table potentially that I can't. And And so you're gonna get extra stuff this year on the show, and I know a lot of you have been excited about that. And so I'm officially announcing that today. And for one of the shows that you did this year, I wanted to do something where we talked about leadership, but that's sort of a topic that gets beaten up an awful lot, particularly in the social media age. So today's not about the type of leadership you see on Instagram where it leads to a Lamborghini or a Ferrari or some, you know, big house you own, but the type of leadership that really matters, which is servant leadership. And I wanna talk about leadership in the context of valor and service, dedication to a mission greater than yourself. And so I asked a good friend of mine, Michael Savage, who's to my left. And I know a lot of you when you hear that name, you're thinking of some political host on the right. This is not that Michael Savage. This is a different Michael Savage. This Michael Savage has been involved with Tony Robbins for the last twenty years Yes. Working side by side with Tony. He's one of the great minds in personal development and leadership. And when I told Michael, I wanna do an early show this year on leadership, valor, dedication to serving other people, he said, I have the gentleman for that. So, Michael, I wanted to introduce you first and let you introduce your good friend here today who we're gonna visit with for the next hour or so. Yeah. Thanks, Ed. You know, leadership, valor, like you said, it doesn't come with, flashiness all the time. Mhmm. Instagram gives us that. But real leadership is about servant leadership, and I'm, extremely honored to have vice admiral James Crawford, who's now the president of Texas Southern University, to join us. I had the privilege, of meeting the vice admiral, a little over a year ago, when I was visiting Texas Southern and, spent some time with the border regions there. Got to go to the Battle of the Bands, which was an amazing experience to to to be, guided with the the president of the college through. It was awesome. And, you know, I'd asked some friends about, Crawford, and I have some friends that, we've discussed that are years and years of decorated service in the Navy, and everyone said he exemplified leadership at its core, servant leadership. And, I think what we're gonna uncover today in our conversation is an interesting, grouping of choices that someone's made to continue to serve. Yeah. I agree. And, I I think there's gonna be a lot of value, and I'm very honored that you've joined us today. It's a great pleasure. Thank you so much for having me here. It's an honor to be with you. Told you I feel pretty underdressed. If you guys are watching this on YouTube, he showed up perfect. And Michael and I are in jeans and old T shirts. So, anyway, I'll let you ask the first question of the admiral. So, and do you prefer to be called James Well, thank you for that. President. You know, admiral, president, those are things I do or did. Mhmm. That's not who I am. Mhmm. My name is either please refer to me as Jim or James. If you use James, don't hesitate because that's the name that my mother would use when I might not have been in the right place. Got the wrong connotation. I love that. We can go with Jim if you like. We can go with Jim. I just wanna say anything. One of the it's hard for me to do that because most of you might not know what all this terminology means. But in the military, in the Navy, you understand some. This is the highest ranking attorney in the entire military that he was in. Like, number you know, highest ranking man. So to call him Jim is a little bit awkward, and thank you for your service in advance. Well, thank you. Yeah. But I know we got so many things that the audience wants to know about real leadership, authentic leadership, and your life story embodies that. So I can't wait to get into this stuff. Yeah. I I think my first question leans into, the values that you've chosen through leadership in your career. Mhmm. You know, as as Ed mentioned, JAG in the navy. Yes. You know, you served three years, through some difficult times in the country, but then you've also chosen to lead in education. And most people make those decisions based on a core set of values. And I'm curious, what are the the values that drive the decision making in your service that are still continuing to drive the decisions you make today? Well, I was I've been blessed from birth, frankly. Yeah. And that first blessing was, the family I was born into, born into a family of believers. And and I learned early on, the three pillars that should guide my life are faith, family, and service. Mhmm. And so I've tried to, live up to those standards that my mother and my father set. We weren't didn't have a lot of resources. But what they delivered was a, a sense of being recognizing what's important in life. What's important is your fellow man. What's important is how you carry yourself. What's important in what you leave behind, others when you depart. Did you do something that made that place better than when you arrived? Right. Jim, I wanna ask you about a specific time, in your career where your leadership was likely tested. You were at the Pentagon, at a time where our nation fell under attack in 09/11, and that obviously shaped a good portion of how your career looked moving forward. Can you speak to that? Sure. So, before 09/11, I had been, the judge fleet judge advocate for the US seventh fleet out in the Pacific in Japan. Yeah. And I was transferred to, the joint staff to be a deputy legal adviser to the chairman of the joint staff. There's only one legal adviser, and that's the the captain, the principal, now flag officer position. And, I had been at the Pentagon three weeks, and, I was sitting in my office. I was, I was lead, operational lawyer. I had a partner with me. My partner was off in Europe with the, upper the head of operations, the j three. The j three was a marine three star at the time, and they were in London. And so I'm in their office, and I'm looking at the television where the planes have just hit the towers in New York. And so I turned it off, and I started looking at thing the books on my shelf. I said to myself, this is gonna get hot fast. What do I need? And so I was looking at that, and then the sergeant came in. The army sergeant came in and said, did you feel that? I said, what are you talking about? I said, something just happened. I'm gonna go and see. And so as soon as he opened the door, all the alarms in the building went off. The plane had hit the building. You you were in the building in the Pentagon when it got hit? Yes, sir. And the plane had hit the building, and they, call for the evacuation of the building. Right. But some of us were asked to stay and go in go to the National Military Command Center Right. To augment the watch. The watch is constant, but an event like that required we'll augment that watch section. So I was one of the folks that was asked to go, and I took up the the legal station, in the in the NMCC. And, we we've got the firemen in the building. They're trying to they're trying to contain the fire on the the building. The construct the construction of the building is, you know, it's a difference. You know? That was a fifties era construction. It's '30, but it had wood on the top of the building. And so that was their challenge dealing with that aspect of it. They they had they had carbon monoxide monitors inside the NMCC, which was self contained, but they had to monitor that to make sure. And the question was, would we be able to sustain, maintain operations there depending on? That was obviously an important thing that really wanted to be done. Mhmm. Leaders really felt that that was critical that the Pentagon stay in operation. There were there was a team that was sent off to the alternate location, immediately, just in case. And, what I saw that day was remarkable. I saw people just as I said, in times of challenge, you become who you are truly. Mhmm. You revert to your training. Yeah. And those women and men were remarkable. The the NMCC has led the DDO, the one star, is the leader of that watch section. And everyone fell in on that, this standing watch. And it was just it just I've always been asked from time to time, what's your favorite duty station? Where have you been? And people think I'm gonna say, like, Singapore or Hawaii or this or that. And being in the Pentagon that day is a thing that I am so thankful that I was able to be there because I was where my country needed me to be to serve at that moment Yeah. With those incredible, incredible women and men that I was in there with. And it was just a blessing to have that opportunity Wow. And to to provide the information that needed to be provided, to offer, the advice that needed to be offered for our senior leaders to make decisions on something that was really very critical. And that just changed the entire next trajectory of my the rest of my career in the on active duty. Because we remained we're in conflict and so attacked by that and and then ended up later in my career as on the ground in Afghanistan in command. It all started with that day, and then so many, many years later there. So that, was a turning point, for me. Yeah. You can see it on your face even right now. My gosh. So in addition to the moment of being in the Pentagon when the plane hit, you were also in the White House Situation Room. I know you can't talk in detail about this when they finally got Osama bin Laden? So let's get this. I was in the the Pentagon Mhmm. Room where we were monitoring those operations k. With myself, the general counsel, the secretaries, chief of staff, and the variety of folks, in there. And we were monitoring operations because I was one of four, executive level counsel that were read into the planning that were involved in the planning, the preparation for that, and the only uniformed member of that group, the other three were, civilian lawyers Oh my god. Two political appointees. And, so it's not a lot I could say about that. Yep. But the privilege of being trusted with that mission Yes. With those three brilliant legal minds, another one of those points where you felt like you were aware Mhmm. Your nation needed you to help hard decisions to be made, in providing input that went directly to the the president for decisions. You do that for a long time, though. And so I just wonder, there's had to be a temptation. You're gonna now leave the military. You've got a lot of choices. So this is really important because I think type of people that listen to the show, you know, they're looking at entrepreneurship. Obviously, the financial status in life matters to them. I also think sometimes people in this world today, ironically, are, like, guilted into not pursuing wealth, not pursuing affluence. Right? And so you're you've left the military. You could have gone on to choose a career after that post the military doing all kinds of things that made you 7 figures. You could have sat on a bunch of boards. You could have but you then chose to eventually become the president of HBCU and be in service still. Did it factor in your mind at that time these different lanes, and why'd you make the choice you made? You know, I I felt that, when I was when I was about to retire, when I was thinking about retiring, I thought about I started with not where I wanted to go, but with what brought me to where I was. Mhmm. Why did I join the military? Why did I wear that uniform? You know, I've every day that I got up to put that uniform on was a good day. Mhmm. It didn't matter what was gonna happen. Just putting that uniform on, wearing the colors of our nation, being entrusted, with the responsibility, to offer input for important decisions, to be entrusted with the welfare of our wonderful women and men. Mhmm. And and so I wanted to as I looked to the next step in life, I wanted something like that to mow to continue to motivate me because my dad always said to me, you know, fathers think their sons are the most talented people in the universe. Right? Yeah. And so he says to me, son, you you've got the talent to have the sort of rich and vibrant life that you may wanna have. But I will offer you to I will ask you to think about this. That's great. But think about how do you enable others Mhmm. To have the same rich and vibrant life that you want to have. Mhmm. And if you're doing that, then you're doing something of value, something that lasts, something that matters. Mhmm. And and I had been able to I had been blessed and allowed to serve, this country for a long time. And so I wanted to continue that to something that mattered. And so higher education, felt like the right space Yeah. Because one of the things one of the most significant things a senior officer does is educate and train those to come behind him or her and do it better than they did. Not do it like them, but do it better than they did. Where else can you go to have that sort of influence than in education at some level when I selected higher education? And I wanted to start with a faith based institution because that's so important has been an important component of my life. When it's difficult, I know where I can turn. Wow. And and so the, Felicia University, those sisters, gave me an opportunity, and I will be forever grateful for that opportunity to step into something that I I'm not a lifelong academic, and they gave me that opportunity. And a lot of lessons that I learned there I've carried with me to, Texas Southern University. That's wonderful. And I'm I'm really curious about that. So you were the first male president of a female Catholic medical school. Right. Nursing. Nursing. Nursing school. What were some of your takeaways from your experience at the school? I wanna leave this pretty open because you mentioned that there's some things that you took from there that you're now obviously still Right. Moving forward with the Texas Southern. What were the takeaways from working with that that fine group of young ladies? So every organization, you know, it is shaped by the ethos of the founders. Right? So the foundress of Felician University are the Felician sisters. They are Franciscan third order. And, they're obviously committed to Christ, committed to God, and they are committed to and the school was started as a place to educate, young women and that were gonna go into that life. And it evolved into a university over time. Mhmm. And so what I took from that is the commitment of those sisters. And I have a background with with Nuts. And, you know, I grew up. I wasn't a I'm not a cradle Catholic, and maybe we can talk about how I came to that. Mhmm. But, Nuts have have have been a or a huge part of my life, as a youngster. A huge part. You know? I loved them. I loved them dearly. And so it was a great opportunity to work with those, work for those nuns, and and try to carry on the values that they held dear within their university. Yeah. I wanna ask you some hard stuff on leadership. I'm just curious. When I get a chance to sit in front of someone who's had the breadth of career that you've had, you've consulted with the joint chiefs. I mean, you've got all these things you've done in your life. So your degree your humility obviously shines through, but I just hope everybody has some context as to what we're talking about here. And I I get asked a lot in the entrepreneur space, in the business space about what I'd call, like, leadership fatigue. Mhmm. And I just wonder, you've been doing you've been a leader for a long time, and there's an emotional burden that comes with leadership, particularly somebody as dedicated as you are. You carry that with you all of the time. I'm wondering how you've navigated carrying the what I call it, carrying the emotional load of an organization over and over, and sometimes maybe even reporting to somebody who you didn't align with. I'm sure that had to have happened in your career at least once where you have to name them by name. But how have you dealt with that? You do you've been in leadership for a long time. Did you feel an emotional burden when you did it, and how did you deal with it? Well, it's it's all about values. Right? Mhmm. So leadership is an amalgam of many, many, many things. Right? Mhmm. Three critical things to your point, that I look to are is character Mhmm. Humility, and authenticity. Humility. Interesting. And so humility, for is the leader's greatest shield against the leader's greatest enemy. And the leader's greatest enemy is that leader's ego and the arrogance. Because that when you have an authority like that, you have a position like that, it you can easily allow that, as they say, go to your head. Mhmm. And it be make it about you. But it cannot be about you. It must be about the mission. It must be about the people. Mhmm. And humility is your shield against that. And humility allows you to recognize and embrace the self awareness that there's a lot you don't know. Mhmm. And what you do know may all may not always be relevant to the point that you're dealing with. Mhmm. And when you embrace that, you're able to open yourself to solutions that appear around you. You don't have to be the architect of the solution. Mhmm. You open and you encourage others. You have to give the folks that you work with, and I and I'd like to refer to working with instead of people who work for you. You work with people, and you have to give them the space, the freedom to think, the freedom to initiate, the freedom to innovate. Mhmm. And so if you think about leadership as a job or the position as a job as opposed to an opportunity to embrace, to do something, as I said, going back to my dad. Yeah. Something that has value, something that you want to you feel deeply, then it it doesn't feel like a burden. Are there are there trying moments? Certainly. Mhmm. But and when you're I I I was I was blessed to be, mentored by some incredible women and men, both in uniform and out of uniform. And they say there are 16 different personality types. Mhmm. And I will tell you I experienced all of this for the good and for the ill. But, they all had one thing in common. They all did it differently, but they had one thing in common. And this is something a lot of what I've thought about over time and how I've tried to pattern myself in this space of leadership is from what I've learned from them and things I've read. And one of the folks that I've read try to read about is mister John c Maxwell. Oh, yes. And he said something very simple but very profound. And he said leadership is about people and for people. Mhmm. That doesn't sound like a lot, but that's a big deal. Mhmm. And every leader professes to do that, but they don't do that because it's not easy. Mhmm. As a very, very, very young lieutenant, there was a senior leader of the Navy who was asked a question that I think the journalist thought was gonna be a got you question. And and they asked him, and he was the head of the Navy. And they asked him and I won't use his name because I don't wanna name drop. But they asked him, what's most important? Is the mission most important or the people most important? And I and I would think I think in my mind, the journalists think there's no good answer to this. Right? I've got him however he answers this. If he says the people are more important, then they'll say, well, he doesn't get the priorities. Right. You know, he don't understand what priorities are. Because the mission is more important, then he you don't really care about people. Mhmm. And without missing a beat, this admiral said, mission first, people always. That has stuck with me. Mission first. And that's why it's not a burden. Mhmm. Very good. That's what it's about. You can't accomplish the mission without the people. Very good. And and it's about finding a way to integrate it and not seeing your people that you work with as chess pieces on a board to accomplish the end game. Mhmm. Because you have to see people, you have to hear them, and you have to feel them. And you you integrate the two, the mission and the people to be successful. Sustain success was important. Sustain sustained success. So, hey, guys. New year, new systems. Right? You know, it's the time of year. Probably like you, I'm looking at my business and trying to find out how to get an edge any way that I can. And, you know, a lot of times, I'm looking at my business going, there's gotta be a better way. And that's why I'm so excited that today's episode is brought to you by Quo. It's spelled q u o. It's a smarter way to run your business communications. For me, I don't wanna miss any opportunities this year. And one of the things that I love about Quo is I've been leaving money at the door. Quo helps you and your team share one business number, reply faster, and stay on top of every customer conversation. No more missed messages, disconnected conversations, or any of that stuff that kills productivity. Everyone stays the full thread all the time, making replies faster, and customers feel genuinely cared for. I really love Quo. Look into them. Make this the year where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com/mylet. That's quo.com/mylet. Quote, no missed calls, no missed customers. Can I ask one follow-up on that, and I'll let you back in? This the third thing you said there was authenticity. And I think for myself, you know, Maxwell is a good friend, by the way, both Michael and I. And I if there is an area there that I have probably I'm sure I've struggled with my ego plenty. I should say I've struggled with all three. Having said that, the authenticity piece, there's these two camps in leadership. Some say get as close to your people as you possibly can because the closer you are, more like family or friends, you can lead them. The other camp, as you know, is keep some distance there so there's a level of whatever, respect. And that distance creates a tension, a dynamic tension that causes you to lead people. And I'm curious as to where you fall on that and what authenticity meant to you when you said it. Well, I would I would offer that that perspective also depends upon where you are leading. Let's take the military. There are hierarchies. There's a hierarchical organization for a reason, for a very good reason. And so and there are rule sets around how you relate as how an officer relates to enlisted personnel. And there's a reason for those rule sets. But you have to see people. You have to see them and understand that they are more than the person walking around in that uniform performing a task. They're more than that person walking around in your, classroom, that faculty member, that biology professor. There's more to them than that, and you have to see them for for the wholeness of the person that they are. And that allows you to sort of on that tether about how you how you engage with them day to day, point to point, but you have to always be authentic. And and this is why authenticity is important. And I go back to, value based decision making leadership is so important because you can't fake it. You can only fake it for so long. Right? So if you are not if in the times of in times of simplicity when things are easy, everything's smooth. There's no issues. But if you watch how a person leads, it tells you a lot about who that person is, what they value, what's important to them. Mhmm. And in times when the when the institution is under stress or the organization is under stress, it's it will reveal who that person is. Power also reveals what person is. Lincoln said, you know, we can all deal with stress, but the people that can deal with power, those are the ones that you can trust to lead. Mhmm. And and so That's so good. This is so good. And and and so, if you are just I'll just give you an example. So I would, when I was on active duty, I would when I was the JAG, I would travel around and and go to different commands and different locations and speak with our folks. And so I would say this to him. I'm standing on the stage. Right? I said, today, wear my best uniform, make sure my ribbons were measured properly. They're in the right order, in the right place. My shoes perfectly shine. My gig line straight. Nothing out of order. Just had a haircut. You know? And so it did all that because I'm sending a message. There's a message in that. Yeah. If this is what I expect of me, this is what I expect of you. If I do it, so can so should you. Oh, yeah. So and then I'm and and I've prepared to speak to you about these various subjects, and I'm gonna articulate them and give you my vision of how we should how what my expectations are and how to be respectful and how to treat each other, and how to, carry yourself in that uniform. Because when you're in that uniform, you're more than yourself. And but then if I leave the stage, you've taken those lessons. I leave the stage, and I go into what I like to call an unguarded moment when I think I'm unobserved, and leaders must know you're never unobserved. Someone's always watching you. Yeah. Someone's always watching you because many people are watching you because they wanna be where you are. They wanna see how did you achieve that. Mhmm. How can I aspire to be that and be better than that? And if you go into that unguarded moment and you are berating someone Mhmm. And you're acting completely a 100 360 degrees away from what you just articulated, there's a lesson there too. But that lesson is so much more powerful than the scripted lesson you just delivered. Mhmm. My goodness. And you undercut that. And so and if you're not authentic, when you really need your team is in times when the the organization is under stress. Yeah. That's when the leader has to be at their best. And you can't then begin to gather people around you. People have to already be gathered. Mhmm. And Very. And if they're trusting you because they can trust you've created that consistency, that sense of reliability. Yes. Then it minimize it takes away some of the ends the auxiliary stress. Right? The unnecessary stress. So that's why authenticity is so very important. Yeah. That's these are my I just wanna say one thing. Every about every once in a while, there's moments where I could reminds me of why I started the show. That was one of them right there. That was just outstanding, an unguarded moment. And by the way, I relate to having those unguarded moments where I wasn't consistent in the things that I've said from the front behind the scenes, and you're a 100% right. The idea that they have to be gathered around you prior to the stress hitting too. These are these are And I wanna be clear here. I don't always get it right. I understand. Wanna be clear. Right. I mess up just like the next guy. But as long as you think like that, as long as you try to keep that as your guiding as your guidepost Yeah. Then you're you'll you'll stay on it. It'll pull you back on track. Very good. You mentioned something when when you were talking about, you know, presenting yourself in front of your team and standing in front of them, not only share a message, but sometimes to share vision. Mhmm. And very often, I think the idea that a leader has to hold a vision for their team, for their organization, in your case, for higher education at this point, even when things aren't working well. You know, Steve Jobs said it's one thing to have an idea or a vision. It's another thing to make it real. Correct. You're holding this vision for what you'd like to do in higher education. And and, I don't know if we mentioned this. My brother and my sister and myself all went to Norfolk State University. So I've received education at an HBCU. My my brother and sister both played, athletics for them. And, so it it was extra special to be able to come and visit Texas Southern. But you're holding this vision for a school, one of the most important schools in our country for a number of reasons, that needed a lift, if I can be really frank. Absolutely. How do you hold vision as a leader when things are so far away from the vision that you're looking to create? How do you manage the gap between the vision that you hold for what you're looking to create, translate to that to your team under stress and when it's far away? Where do you go for that? A lot of people talk about trust, but it starts with belief. It really starts with belief in my mind. You know, when you when I did not have the opportunity to go to an HBCU. My parents, however, my dad didn't graduate. He went off to the Korean War. My mother, graduated, was a teacher for thirty seven years in the Charlotte Mecklenburg school system in North Carolina. So it's very interesting experience to have teachers in school and teachers at home. Yeah. But I'm very, very happy about that today. Yeah. But, so I but because of their experience, I had a connection to HBC. Although, I didn't go to one. Mhmm. In that era, in the era that they grew up in, that's where they're essentially their opportunities were. Right. And so that's where so many talented African Americans were educated. Yeah. Whether it's sports, whether it's entertainment, whether it's academics, whether it's governance, whatever you may be. Those very talented people. And I was exposed to those folks who were who carried themselves with dignity dignity, who, were respectful. My dad used to say if you expect respect, treat others with respect. And I saw all of that. And the the thing about HBCUs, it's so it's such such a family, such a sense of creating success for each other. Yes. And so when as I when you try to, create this vision, if you will, and sometimes that word's overused, I think the first thing you have to be is very precise about what it is. Yes. What it is that you're looking for, what it is that you're looking to do, and the belief that, yes, it can be done. You know, I we graduated 820 plus, candidates yesterday from the university Mhmm. And, through bachelor degrees, master's, and doctorates. Yeah. And one of the things I said to them is that education is more than the accumulation of knowledge. It's about the culturation of good character and personal excellence. So you have to get people to believe that there's there's that whisper that they hear in the back of their heads that you can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. And it sounds like a roaring lion. Mhmm. It's really just a whisper. Mhmm. And you can't let that deter you. Yeah. That you will face defeats, Maya Angelou. I love this. I say it over and over to what people, like, can start quoting it before I finish it. Yeah. And she said, you will face many defeats in life, but you must never let yourself be defeated. In fact, those defeats are important so that you can see what you can get up from and how far you can reach. And what a leader is trying to show, we can reach. Don't allow theoretical limits to be the barrier to where we can go because there is no barrier. So being precise about what it is, helping them see themselves in that picture, modeling it yourself, communicating and communicating is about not just transmission, but receiving and then providing that feedback so they know you have received it. But setting the conditions for them to do you can't ask people to do something if you don't set the conditions for them to do it and give them the tools to do it. Right. Then you have to be strategically patient. And I say strategically patient means you can't expect newness to occur tomorrow, but it can't take all it can't take forever. So you have to strategic patience means there must be a sense of urgency that, yes, we will get there, and we can't. Time is not our friend. And then everyone has to be accountable, and the leader is the person that must be most accountable. I'm curious about education in general, not just HBCUs. Do you it's a two part question. One, are we developing leaders? I I don't know because I haven't been on a college campus other than my daughters in a long time. Do we does the traditional education system encourage free thinking and diversity of thought? Tough question. And number two, what's the future of it? I just look at, I wonder with AI and the advent of, you know, people are no longer like they used to go into brick and mortar businesses. Does that eventually make an impact in higher education as well? So just your overall thought about higher education in general. So, I mentioned the graduation yesterday, the commencement, the fall commencement. And I referred to that in the president's charge. Is that your the marketplace that they're going into now is dramatically different than it was when they just started their educational journey. My goodness. It is. Yes. So what they were learning as freshmen is so much different. Right. The job that they're make that they're looking to go into now didn't even exist probably when they were freshmen. Yeah. And we as the administrators of education and the deliverers of education, we have to understand that. Mhmm. We have to understand that the world moves so much faster than it ever has before. Mhmm. That change is so rapid. And it and it's it's it's not just the speed, but it's the pace of change that's really the key. Mhmm. And so we're sending our young women and men into a world of smart machines, artificial intelligence. So we have to enable them to be agile. Right? Yeah. Right? So they will have a a major, right, an area where they they are leaving as a journeyman, entry level expert, so to speak. Right? They learn their craft in the doing of that craft. But we also have to teach them those aspects. Everybody talks about STEM today. Yeah. Liberal arts remains very important because the core of liberal arts is developing an educated person, a person who can think Yes. Who analyzes and questions, who who thinks about artificial intelligence and says, how should I apply that? What's the effect it's going to have within my organization? What's the effect it's gonna have at the populace with my customers? You you've been thinking people. We have to graduate thinkers, thinking leaders, feeling leaders, not leading, you know, as they say. Mhmm. But you you you have to understand that change requires you to change, and we have to equip them to be agile. What a perfect word. I'm I'm blessed that, someone just follow-up on that. Like, do you give advice to young people right now? So I'm I'm just crazy. They selected me of all human beings, but I'm a member of the College Football Hall of Fame, the National Football Foundation board. And so we're dealing with all these graduating athletes all the time, and we're trying to equip them to go out into the marketplace. And, I wish I would have thought of the word agility and telling them how to pivot. But if you were to give advice to somebody right now, let's say 25 and under and they're looking ahead with a vision for their future and they're scared, You know, there are I think there's actually more fear in the marketplace right now about what is all of this going to mean two, three, four? What industries will even exist any longer? Just curious because you're you're right in the middle of all this stuff every single day. What would your advice be to a young person who's looking ahead at their future and what should they continue education past graduation? Maybe it's not formal education, but it's reading and listening to things all the time, etcetera. You you hit it. The capacity the human capacity, is unlimited. And what we should be doing as educators is helping to unleash that human energy. Mhmm. And they have to be constant learners. They can't see themselves graduating as okay. I'm done with that. Now I'm gonna go out. They have to be constant learners. Mhmm. Because that that job today, processes may affect it. Technology may affect it. So you have to be that's what I said to the to the graduates yesterday. You have to be attuned to external trends. Yeah. And external trends are those things that people are talking about, things that people are investing in, things that people are spending their time on. And you have to be attuned to that in your area of endeavor. What is happening? Because if you embrace external trends and this is really, I've read this about you're thinking about an organization. That's why I think about this, but it's true with people. Organizations, Jeff Bezos talked about this years ago about being a day one organization versus a day two organization. Right. Having a startup mentality versus having that I've got it made mentality, which is this which day two is on your way out at some point in time. And and what I said to the graduates is this, you have to have the the sense of constantly learning, recognizing external trends, because if you embrace external trends, there will be a a tailwind for you. Just like an organization, if you fight against external trends, it's gonna be a headwind, and you're gonna have a problem. So those who don't embrace, AI in the classroom, don't embrace it in the delivery of learning and how you shape your learning environment. You're not preparing your students, your graduates for the world that they're going to face. So good. I well, Mike, I'll let you jump in. I just wanna second that just for the audience too. That's sort of been my own mindset in my life is, like, what do I identify as as a human? I'm a learner. Yeah. And I could tell you of the 850 guests that have been on the show, and I sense this with you as well, if you ask me what what's a through line, not of all of them, but of the majority of them, it's that no matter what level of success you think they've attained, they are still grinding. And remember the first time I had my, you know, Alex Rodriguez has been on the show before, but post his career, first time I met with Alex, we were at an at a home, and he literally brought out a yellow tablet. I thought you're you're Alex Rodriguez. I'm just me writing notes, after guests that have been on the show, whether it's, you know, McConaughey or even a a guy like David Sinclair, who's a professor at Harvard, asking questions of me or other guests and constantly learning. I think that can eliminate a lot of your fear as well. So I love that agility and the idea of learning. Didn't mean to interrupt you. Fear is important. At the point I'm glad you mentioned that because you you can't you can't be afraid of taking that first step. Mhmm. And you have to encourage we encourage our students, don't be afraid of taking that first step because every journey, no matter how long or how short, starts with that first step. Yeah. And if you don't take that first step, you never know what that destination could look like. Mhmm. So you can't allow fear to to freeze. Okay. So people ask me often, like, what are some of the biggest challenges that you've dealt with in business? And I can tell you one of the biggest ones is hiring, finding great people. Whether you're a founder, a CEO, or an HR leader, building a global team usually means deciding to set up a big local entity over there spending a bunch of money, and that's why Pebble exists. You don't have to do any of that stuff. Are you hiring another country right now? Because once you do, things can get very complicated very, very fast as you know, and Pebble can help. Pebble helps you hire, pay, and manage talent in over a 185 countries with fast onboarding that can be done in minutes. It's all done by them for you. One thing I can tell you about Pebble is that it's an AI powered global human resources platform built for founders. It's so good, you guys. Our new standard discounted pricing at $3.99 US dollars per month per employee helps you contain costs. Go to hipebl.ai/ to get a free estimate. That's highpebl.ai for a free estimate. Yeah. So good. You know, we bet through, our good friend Brandon Simmons. He's a good man. He's he's a really good guy. And and I I have this curiosity, and I mentioned this to you, which is, you know, you're both lawyers and very good at what you did in terms of law. And then you come in as president of the college having had a military career and and been in another institution, and Brandon's very entrepreneurial, and you're working together to create this change. What was it like having the the what I would call a more structured background and working with someone who's a bit more entrepreneurial? And what has that done, do you believe, for the relationship that both of you had with the school in terms of change? Well, you know, with anyone, I had to, listen. That's that's so important, listening, to understand how Brandon thinks. Yeah. And and it doesn't take long, because once you listen to him, you see his heart is about doing good for people, doing good for others. It was never a conversation that he and I had about that university where it wasn't about how do we make good things happen for these students. How can I take the relationships I have, the contacts I have, how can I take that and turn that into something that creates benefits for these students? Never a conversation that did not involve that I kind of had with him. What made the relation and continues to make the relationship with him so easy is that he's an honest person. Yeah. He's just a sincere, authentic, honest person. And so I can trust what he says, and I hope he feels he can trust what I say. And that's why I feel that our partnership, worked. Yeah. Because I respect and admire his achievements. And, he sometimes I felt like Brandon stopped, and he would never stop talking about how happy he was that brought me brought me to the university. And so, I think it's just a mutual admiration society between he and I. I just, I love the guy. He's he's a wonderful person. I wonder who and has a beautiful family. I'm happy to hear you say that. And and, you know, a lot of the audience that, that Ed has that listen to the show regularly, the clients that I've worked with for years are entrepreneurs. Mhmm. And there's a stigma sometimes in entrepreneurship that it's hard to have a partner in business. Mhmm. And I'm happy to hear you say that because you're both partnered in supporting all these students Right. In a leadership capacity, solving a problem for them, giving them a better education. And I found in my years as an entrepreneur that it's not always horrible to have a partner. You just have to find that trust and be able to listen to each other and get curious about each other to make it work. And I think for the audience, sometimes they hear, no. You've gotta go it alone. You've gotta hustle. If If you're gonna build a business, it's hard to rely on other people. Even in in the book E Myth, you know, Gerber says that people will disappoint you, and I'm people quote that all the time. And I think that's true in some senses. Right? You build your systems, and then you find great people that can work the system. But I think there's times where partnership is actually the valuable thing to do. And, it it's just encouraging that that that partnership You know, it's funny you say that people disappoint you. You know, I've worked I had the pleasure to work in the navy to work with some of really, really incredible human beings and also see and observe really good commands and see and observe commands that weren't that good. Mhmm. Yeah. But the through line of that was that the people, whether they're in a good command or in one that's not performing where it perhaps is expected to perform, they all want to do well. Yes. Mhmm. People people at their heart, most people at at their core want to do well. They want to be valued, and they want to be delivering something of value Yeah. In what they're engaged in. Mhmm. Because they want to see that they are actually doing something that matters. Yeah. So I think, you know, you guys know where where I'm gonna where I took this from. Excellence breeds character and character breeds excellence. Yes. And if you expect excellence of your folks, the ones you work with, they will soon begin to demand excellence of themselves and those around them. Yeah. And when that happens, so you've got something. That's so good. Yeah. So I know the humility button was number two there, but just for a second, try to step out of that because I want people to live through you for a minute. I am your life's been remarkable. I mean, your resume is so long that I wanted Michael to do the introduction because it's just there's there's too much. Yeah. So I understand the humility hat, but I but I want you to take people on a journey with you. I have to imagine as a little boy, if I had asked you what your life was gonna turn out, I'm sure you had big dreams, but it's been one remarkable life that you've led. What is that like? I mean, there's a lot of dreamers and people with hopes and dreams that listen as well or are watching, And they don't ever really get I think if you can you know, there's this great, Chinese proverb that says, if you wanna know the road ahead, ask those coming back. Right. And you've been down a long road in your life. Did you ever suffer with, imposter syndrome? Like, I I I'm not prepared for this, or I'm not equipped, or I'm not ready, or whatever it might be. I don't come from you know, your family seems remarkable, but, you know, you were the highest ranking military officer in the navy who was an attorney. I mean, that's a pretty significant achievement. Did you ever get out over your skis a little bit? And if you did, how did you handle it? Every position that I was blessed to take, I was like, really? You know? Am I capable of doing this? I mean Yeah. It it's a lot I was an athlete, for many years. I went to my family, as I said, modest, financial resources. So my dad my dad told me at an early age, I I can't send you to college, but you need to go. So you need to figure out how you're gonna get there. Wow. Be really smart or be really good at something. And fortunately, genes, and I grew. And, I love running up and down hardwood floors. And so that, paved my way through, college. That's awesome. And and so every before every game, I was always nervous. But once the ball went up, those nerves went away. Once the ball went up. And you just perform. You know, you you either in times of stress or in times of performance, you become who you are or you revert to your training or to how you've practiced. And that's and so, I think it's important to always, as I say, when you look in that mirror, be astounded. When when I would look in the mirror and see in my uniform and see those three stars, I will be astounded. Is that really me? Wow. And not to see that as, of course, that's me. Mhmm. I never saw it like that because I was like, really? I was a little kid who literally lived on a dead end street because you couldn't go through the street on that end. And, I had a lot of dreams, but I wasn't certain how those dreams were going to come true. And one of the first things I said to Brandon, which he he has repeated from time to time, is that I love Texas Southern University because these students are just like I was. They don't know how they're gonna get there, but they really wanna get there badly. Mhmm. Yeah. And and so I wanna be the one to help them just like so many helped me get there. So I think having that sense, whatever that position you have of significance, having a sense of being astounded Yeah. That it's you because those three stars could have been on any number of my peers. Mhmm. Because those folks were so very good. Alright. I'll give you one more question, then I get one to finish. You know, in preparing for this, I I read a little bit about you growing up and working on your grandfather's tobacco farm. Yeah. My grandfather's a a World War two Korean War vet. Mhmm. He was in the army air corps, you know, before it became the air force. And he lived with us for six months out of the year, and some of the best lessons I took away in life on leadership and character came from my time with him. Mhmm. I'm curious. What what did you take away that you still, you know, live or breathe or using your leadership today from your time on that farm with your grandfather? You know, that was such wonderful times. I grew up in Charlotte, North Carolina. That's where I went to school. Mhmm. I wasn't a cradle Catholic, as I said. I was born into an African Methodist Episcopal, family. And through the week, I went to Catholic school because my dad worked out a deal with the nuns at that Catholic school and said, if if you let my son I can't I can't afford a tuition, but if you let my son go to school here, I'll develop a sports program for you. No kidding. Yeah. The mother's spirit shook his hand, got a deal. Yeah. Oh, it's coming together for me. So I would spend the week in in Catholic school going to mass on Fridays, and then the weekend in the Methodist church. And I had the the greatest benefit of faith raising because I had the best of the Protestant development and came to embrace the Roman Catholic liturgy. And and and so it's been such a remarkable journey for me. And I would go down to Eastern North Carolina, Clinton, North Carolina in the summer, spend two months every summer on the farm working in with my dad, my grandfather's, tobacco farm. He had been a sharecropper, and then he started farming on his own. And that was perhaps the most impactful classroom Yeah. Than any that I would I ever attended. It was working with those folks who were you hear the term salt of the earth? Yes. They were authentic, genuine people who it was neighbors. How do you they they expected that they need they would have to, at some point in time, help their neighbor. Yes. If you were someone that could create job opportunities like my granddad, working his working in tobacco, you did that. Yeah. And those folks were constantly teaching me, constantly teaching me something, constantly talking to me about things, helped me understand what life's about and their expectations of me because I was getting an education. Right? And their expectations of me, like, they didn't wanna see me in that tobacco field. They had much higher expectations. Now don't get me wrong. Sure. Farming is one we we farming is such an important capacity that we have in this country. If it's the best farmers in the world. Yes. We can feed the world from this nation. That's something to be extremely proud of. But in that subsistence farming that he was engaged in, they had such greater such higher aspirations for me. Mhmm. And that motivated me to I can't let these people down. They're investing in me. And so that's what I try to do. Mhmm. I try to invest in those that are around me. Yeah. You asked me about you asked me a question earlier about why did I take one direction versus another after retiring? When I retired in 2018, my sons I have twin sons. Mhmm. They were 18 on the fourth. Mhmm. And so it's hard to believe. Mhmm. And and they were 11 years old, and they had seen me, all they knew of me was wearing a uniform, being gone, doing things, and and and serving. And I'd and I'd always talked to them about the same way. I was spoken to about services, faith, family service. Those things are so important. What are you giving back? What are you giving? What are you contributing into your community? With how large or how small it is? What are you doing? So I didn't want them to take the lesson. Okay. Now they designed a uniform that none of that matters anymore. That was just for them. That's not real. So I wanted them to see that service can continue, and it doesn't have to be in uniform. You don't have to be in uniform to serve this country or your community. Mhmm. Service is so many different, comes in so many different forms. Yeah. And so it was I wanted them to see that that is something that is value to your community, a value to your state, value to your country. I think you're doing that today. By the way, compliment about sons. I was thinking about halfway through this. I can't wait for my son to listen to this one. Yeah. I really can't. Yeah. I mean that. Let me ask you one last question. We I first off, you you can come back anytime you want because we could go hours. You guys are great. This flew by. I love hanging out with you guys. Well, I'm I'm loving this. I'm honored. I I just got a chance to meet you today, so thank you so much. Thank you for your service as well. Is there something it's a hard question, but it's just like, if I ask it something, I could just tell. There's a treasure chest in there. Something's gonna come out when I ask it. So I'm gonna open up right now. Is there something that you used to really fundamentally believe about leadership that you no longer do? Something changed. You went, I used to think this, and now I think that. So I used to think that it was was really the leader had to be the sharpest tool on their given subject. Right? So law was my right? So I really had to you know, I gotta know my stuff. Now you you do need to have, a level of competence in your in your area, but that's really not the most important thing. Showing that you know, well, are you the best flyer? Are you the best ship driver? I don't think that's the key, and I no longer believe that, particularly in an age when you can ask Siri anything and Siri can give an answer. Right. I really don't think that's the key any anymore. So that's something that I would say, has changed, because I think it's more important to understand where you what's your reservoir of strength? Mhmm. Where do you draw what do you draw on when you have to be the when you're the person, when things are challenging, all eyes turn to? What is it that you're gonna draw on? If all you have to draw on is that your talent or your intellect, you are eventually going to come into a situation, a storm of such magnitude that you're going to be unmoored, and you're gonna be adrift and rudderless because talent and intellect is not gonna be enough. Wow. So you have to and it will be different for everyone. Yeah. But you have to understand as a leader what is my reservoir of strength. Mhmm. For me, it has it's it's faith. Yes. I don't get it right. I get it wrong. I'm an unfinished vessel. I'm like that piece of clay on the the in the sculptor's hands that's being shaped by the, the vagaries of life. Yeah. But if you have once you figured out what that is for you Mhmm. Then you can withstand whatever that storm may be whenever it comes. And my dad said to me, you do not get to choose your time of testing, but you do get to choose how you're gonna respond at that moment of testing. Wow. And do you and do you just turn into yourself and make it about you, or do you turn out when all those eyes are looking at you and you're ready to lead forward? This has been like a master class today. I'd love to meet your father too. My goodness. Jim. Thank you. This was extraordinary today. Thank you for having me. It was it was so much fun. It flew by. Michael, thank you so much for organizing this. And, that was admiral James Crawford, everybody. By the way, he's the president of Texas Southern University. You should go check out that university. You're thinking of sending your kids somewhere because you can obviously tell they'd be in great hands with this leader, with this man. Thank you so much. Thank you. It was a pleasure. Today was tremendous, everybody. God bless you. Share this episode with anybody who wants to lead better, who wants to strengthen their faith, or wants to know anything about their education in their life. Alright, you guys. God bless you. Max out.

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## Change Your Brain and You Can Change Your Pain Feat. Dr. Daniel Amen [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcV9TompV3Y
- **Published:** 3 weeks ago

Pain, you know, if it's your back, your hip, your neck, ultimately comes to live in your brain. Yeah, I don't know. I think I've lived with a lot of stress in my life and it has, as I've aged, it's manifested itself physically. When you're depressed, it's overactive. If you're depressed, you're more likely to have physical pain. And so pain comes into our consciousness, into our awareness. I was drinking diet soda then like it was my best friend, like Jack in the Box. It was across the street. Now there's a new study on mice. They gave mice aspartame. So our habits are not about us. They're literally about generations. Alright. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So I was just telling him I love him, and I'm deeply grateful for him. So I should probably say that live on the camera as we start the show today. You gotta be great when you've been in the pod three or four times, and I think this is his fourth time, I think, as a guest on the show, and it's because you all love him, and he makes a difference in the world. He is one of the world's leading brain health experts. He's helped a lot of people with their brains, including me. And his clinic, the AMAN Clinic's done over almost a quarter of a million scans from people from a 150 different countries. And every time he has a book out, I read the entire book, and it's always enlightening, always insightful. This one for me, the most of all of them. And I say that today because he's got this book out called Change Your Brain, Change Your Pain. You guys, we're gonna take a deep dive into your noggin, see if we can help you be happier and less stressed. And for some of you, not quite so depressed in your life and an explanation as to why you might be with my good friend, such a kind, good man. And he's the smartest dude in the room, and he never makes you feel like he needs to be. Doctor Daniel Amen, welcome back to the show. Ed, so great to see you. Just makes my heart happy. Actually, my brain, but you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean. Well, like always with you, I don't like to waste moments because there's not very many people like you in the world. And so let's let's start with some basic foundational stuff from this book, and I mean it. You know, I've read all your stuff. You've worked on my brain. I've been to the clinic, and I think this one hit me the most deeply because I think I suffer from a lot of the stuff in it. And, it gave me some understanding of myself. Some of it kinda overlaps with work I do as well. But let's start with some foundational stuff that I got out of the book in the beginning, which is you talked about the the pain that many of us feel and that it's not just a signal from our bodies, but it's actually a story your brain is telling. Is that that accurate description of what you're saying that it's a story your brain is telling? What does that mean? Well, pain, you know, if it's your back, your hip, your neck, sadness, ultimately comes to live in your brain. And if your brain isn't healthy, you're in a lot of pain. And the same circuits that, create emotional pain are also involved in physical pain. And so, getting your brain as healthy as it can be and not believing every stupid thing you think and not suppressing emotion is critical to both healing physical and emotional pain. You talk about these different pathways in the book. Like, so it's not just a general concept, you guys, because yeah. I don't know. I I think I've lived with a lot of stress in my life, and it has as I've aged. My audience knows this. It's manifested itself physically over time. Whether that be, you know, some heart issues that I've had, some, back pain that I just now after reading this, I'm like, I think this is a result of this brain thing I got going on with my with these different pathways. What is the lateral pain feeling pathway? Oh, it's, a part of your brain called the thalamus, which is deep in the brain, sort of looks like a little egg, and your parietal lobes, top, back, part of your brain, your sensory brain. And it's when you go, ouch, or my back hurts, and it tells you where it is. And the thalamus, part of the deep limbic brain or emotional brain, when you're depressed, it's overactive. I just published this monster study with actually one of my haters. It's a really fun story. He told 2020, I should be arrested twenty years ago and now we're publishing research together. So I'd love that so much. But what we showed is the thalamus and your emotional brain is overactive in depression. So if you're depressed, you're more likely to have physical pain. And one of the reasons I wrote the book was why does SAMe, which is a supplement, s adenosylmethionine, or the antidepressant Cymbalta work for depression? And pain. Like Cymbalta is FDA approved for pain, and Sam e has many studies showing it decreases pain from things like arthritis. It's like, why is that? It's because they work on the same circuitry of the brain. And so pain comes into our consciousness, into our awareness through the lateral pain feeling pathway. Lateral just means toward the side, our parietal lobes, top back part of our brain toward the side. And if that gets activated, it then triggers our medial pain suffering pathway. Now this is sort of more toward the middle anterior cingulate gyrus insular cortex, basal ganglia. When that is overactive, now begins to smear the pain with dread, with awfulness, with angst, with ew. I I hate that. And so the first thing that happens, lateral pain feeling pathway, activates the suffering pathway, and then it, the third one is the little brain here. It calms the front part of the brain. This is called the calming pathway. So the prefrontal cortex is in large part inhibitory. It sort of puts the brakes on what you say and what you do. Right? It helps you with things like forethought and judgment, but it also settles down pain. And so if you've been hitting soccer balls with your head, if you played tackle football and damaged this part of the brain, you're gonna be in more pain because your brain can't turn it off. Can I ask you something connected to that? And we'll keep by the way, the best thing about having doctor Eamon on the show, you guys, unlike most guests, he's willing to talk in specificity about what's in the book. A lot of guests don't because they're afraid, oh, then you won't go get the book. But just so you know, when a book is this big and this loaded, there's no way in an hour you're getting it all, so you still need to go get the book. More than anything you need to do is get this book. Let Let me ask you a question. This is an outside though. It's not on the it's not on my notes. It's just something I've wondered about based on these pathways and what we're gonna talk about in a minute, which is this loop idea. Do you think and I know this would be probably just speculating. But do you think that what goes on in your brain, this trauma, stress, toxins, this anxiety, the stuff you start to have, do you think that long term, it can affect gene expression in your body? Like, it could it be that profound? Meaning, if you're, you know, you're predisposed at some point to getting cancer that maybe you turn those genes on sooner in your life because of the stress and inflammation that causes in your body that potential potentially, there's a correlation between those two things. Or am I reaching way out there on that one? No. You're absolutely correct. And, ultimately, it's not just about you. It's about generations of you. It'll flip on or off certain genes that impact you, but also your babies and your grandbabies. Fascinating study. So I talk about aspartame in the book. And when I was 35, I had arthritis. And one of my patients said when she stopped aspartame, her arthritis went away. And I'm like and I think I've learned the most from my patients. And I was drinking diet soda then, like, it was my best friend, like, Jack in the Box. It was across the street, and I go get a 32 ounce Diet Pepsi. And, yeah, I just feel so bad about this. Like, you know, I'm a doctor. I have no clue about nutrition until I started looking at my brain. And I stopped the aspartame and my pain went away. And I'm like, no. And now there's a new study on mice. They gave mice aspartame. It's in 5,000 products. They became really anxious. And they gave them Valium and it calm them down. Why they did that, I have no idea. But what they discovered, Ed, and this was the very disturbing thing, the babies of these mice who never had aspartame, their baseline was more anxious. Their grandbabies were more anxious. So our habits are not about us. They're literally about generations of us. So the question you ask about epigenetics, you you you know, if you don't sleep well at night, it turns off 700 health promoting genes. So our behavior every day is impacting us, but also our children and grandchildren. Are you still big on saffron for sleep? Huge. I'm big on saffron for so many things. There are 28 randomized controlled trials showing it's equally effective to Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Zoloft. I mean, it's there's a brand new study on, a 100 it combined 192 studies on 17,000 patients on which of the supplements that actually work for depression. And saffron was the first, most effective. And then it said if you're on an antidepressant or saffron and you add zinc and curcumin, it significantly enhances the effect. And so my company BrainMD has made Happy Saffron for six years, came out right before the pandemic. And I've taken it every day because not only does it help your mood, it the reason I fell in love with saffron, most antidepressants decrease sexual interest and ability. It decreases your ability to have an orgasm. And I'd have patients come back. I'm happy, but I don't wanna touch my wife. I'm like, no, no, no. Saffron is pro sexual. It enhances that. And it's pro memory. And there are studies showing it decreases pain. And I think what's happening is it's calming the medial pain suffering pathway. And I added zinc and curcumin to saffron for exactly that reason. Very interesting. Isn't it, you guys? So let's talk about this unhealthiness in the brain a little bit. What's contributing? So you said earlier, you listed some things. It could be injury. It could be toxins, stress. Sleep is a biggie. Right? But, what about this unresolved like, in my case, I'm trying to figure it out. Like, I sleep pretty well. Like but I did you know the story. I did have an alcoholic dad, drug addict dad when I was young. He ended up getting sober. I just feel deep inside me that some of that this is the wrong word. So I pleased everybody, and I don't marked me scarred my brain somehow and put me in Changed changed your brain. It changed my brain. And I I I measure my HRV now, and it's just trash. It's like last night, doctor, my HRV was eight. Right? So I'm in fight or flight a lot. Right? Like, I if you all know all these correlations. And so I I just wonder, like, you say in the book, like, your circuits can literally be hijacked. And you talk about this. I think you call it the pain HQ doom loop. And I'm like, that's familiar, I think, to me. Could you explain that to me and explain me to me a little bit? Even though we've done this in person, I think this is interesting for everybody's edification. I published a monster study on 7,500 patients, and their ACE score, adverse childhood experiences. So on a scale of zero to 10, how many bad things happen to you growing up? And, physical, emotional, sexual trauma or abuse being neglected, watching your mother be abused, having a parent with an addiction, incarceration, or mental health problem. So there's 10 of these things. If you score four more, you have an increased risk of seven of the top 10 leading causes of death. If you score six or more Wow. You can die twenty years early, but you don't have to. My wife's an eight. And she's not gonna die early because she's had treatment for trauma. And like you, she takes really good care of herself. But what we found was childhood trauma. And I don't know if I told you this. My first wife grew up in a severely abusive alcoholic home. And when I married her, it's like two months later, she tried to kill herself. And she's the reason I'm a psychiatrist. And I studied children and grandchildren of alcoholics. It activates your emotional brain so that suffering pathway it's probably more active than, is healthy for you. Today's episode is brought to you by Quo. It's spelled q u o. It's a smarter way to run your business communications. This year, I'm all about I'm not missing any opportunities. Business is getting more and more competitive. And you know what? There's too many missed calls. And when you miss a call, that's money out the door. Quo helps you and your team share one business number, reply faster, and stay on top of every customer conversation so you never miss an opportunity to connect with your customers twenty four seven. So that's why if you never wanna miss another call, you wanna have follow-up, you wanna have scheduled appointments, no matter whether you're awake or whether you're sleeping, you need Quo. And by the way, your customers will appreciate this as well because they can reach you anytime they need to all on one number. So with that in mind, make this year when no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com/mylet. That's quo.com/mylet. Quote, no missed calls, no missed customers. And so the doom loop is really the star of the book. It helped me so much get out of chronic pain. So it starts with pain for any reason. So pain HQ, that's the acronym. Pain for any reason, and it can be physical pain. You broke your ankle. It can be emotional pain. You feel disrespected. Can be relational pain. There's a breakup. That's one of the major causes of suicide. Or it can be spiritual pain. You can have a moral injury. And many of us during the pandemic, we were morally injured, by how the government handled the pandemic. Or if you think of a moral injury I grew up Catholic and the whole priest pedophile scandal, the church lost billions of people who were injured by that particular scandal. So it could be pain for any reason, which is the lateral pain feeling pathway. It's like, okay, we hurt. And then that then activates the suffering pathway. And that's already active in people who are depressed, in people who have childhood trauma, which then leads to an invasion, that's the I, of ants. Automatic negative thoughts. The thoughts that just come into your mind automatically and ruin your day. And then that goes to N, which is nervous tension. Because whenever you have a negative thought, your brain releases chemicals immediately, and your muscles get tight. And it happens immediately, but also in that end is repressed emotion and repressed rage, which makes your muscles sort of chronically tense. Then that leads to age, which is harmful habits. A lot of people then, whether it's alcohol or sugar or marijuana, psilocybin, things that are really not good for your brain, and I know your audience just went on tilt. It's like, oh, I thought psilocybin was the new, happy pill. It's like, we'll talk about it. And then you get to q, which is the quagmire or quicksand of the doom loop, and it spirals. And the other star of the book is the healing loop. It's like, well, how do you get out of this doom loop? And it's relief, and it's you begin to recognize the pain. And I love this so much, public knowledge. I've been working with Julius Randle, the NBA superstar, for the last year and a couple of months. And it's he doesn't fail anymore. He wins or he learns. We're curious. We're never furious. And, I I love that so much. It's you recognize it and then you get curious about it. How did I sleep last night? What are my relationships? Am I, blocking some of my emotions? It's we start getting really curious about the pain and then we go after calming the suffering pathway, whether it's saffron, curcumin, omega three, fatty acids, a technique I talk about in the book I like a lot called havening. And then we, let go of the negativity. I I there's a whole section on positivity bias training. The more negative you are, the less activity you have in your frontal lobes. Negativity is bad for you. Now, unbridled positivity is not the answer. You know, I can drive at a 125 miles an hour down the freeway in the rain. It's like, no. I want you to have enough anxiety. You do the right thing, But start every day with today is going to be a great day. And end every day with what went well today. Force. Push. Noticing what's right way more than you notice what's wrong. But really, you know, one of the secrets in this book, and I learned it from John Sarno, who I'm a huge fan. He wrote a book called Healing Back Pain and the Mind Body Prescription. And he talked about how chronic pain is repressed rage. And I'm like, that's so interesting. But I didn't think he did a good job of teaching people, well, how do you get rid of the rage? Because when I was in pain, I'm like, yeah, my brother beat me up every day when we were children and trying to change psychiatry. I've been brutalized like, you know, the guy that said told 2020 I should be arrested. There's I'm pissed off, a lot. And it's like but if you knew me, I'm sort of like Pollyanna. It's like whatever happens to you, well, what is there good to be about? What happened to you? And so I realized that Pollyanna had to meet Hannibal Lecter. And and I I remember the epiphany, my wife, who calls me Pollyanna. And when I I came that epiphany, I'm like, she has to die. Not not all the time, but and it's like, well, how do you get rid of the rage? And there's actually a psychotherapy that's a rage therapy. It's called ISTDP or intensive short term dynamic psychotherapy. And when I first learned it, I'm like, oh, no. That's too harsh. And then I'm like, oh, no. You have to get in touch with the rage. So there's a whole section in the book on how do you get the rage out. And so for your situation, what I would do, there's an exercise called emotional freedom journaling. And for each five years of your life so get a journal and, you know, zero to five, five to ten, ten to 15, draw a line down the page. And for each five years, on the left side, write down what awesome things happened during that period. So zero to five. I'm four years old. I'm standing at the stove. I'm with my grandfather, who I'm named after, who I loved, who is my best friend growing up. We're making fudge. And that's on that zero to five page. But on the right side is being beaten up every day by my older brother. And I'm pissed off about that. And then do that for each five year period of your life. Well, pretty soon, you have a good sense where the pain's coming from. And then write about it. You don't ever have to yell at someone or shoot anybody. Please don't. But you wanna be able to express it. Like, if it could come out in your body, where would it go? And I don't know if you ever had EMDR for the childhood trauma. You totally should. I love EMDR and do it a lot with my patients. But when we do the therapy, we'll often go, you know, so say, I have a patient who was sexually abused. We'll often go back to that event, process it, and then it's like, if the rage could come out, where would it go? And there are a lot of people who die in my EMDR sessions because I I don't want people blocking the emotions. Now I always want you to be appropriate. I never want you to go to jail. But in your mind, you have to be able to express the rage. Otherwise, it'll come out in neck pain, back pain. And another very important thing in this book, is there are a number of studies that show I'm 71. People my age, eighty percent of people my age with no pain have abnormal backs. Seventy percent of people my age have abnormal necks, who have no pain. They have abnormal necks. And so every time, you know, I had hip pain, I had back pain, I had neck pain, I had shoulder pain. My MRIs are always abnormal, which activate the suffering pathway. And now it's like, oh, I have to have surgery. But I know what general anesthesia does to the brain. It's not good. It's actually one of the risk factors for dementia. And in the book, I have a dementia prevention program. And so surgery is gonna always be my last option. But because they see the abnormal MRI, oh, you have to have surgery. And, of course, they go to a surgeon who says, well, you have to have surgery because, you know, that's how they put their kids through school. And I I've not had surgery, and my back pain's gone. Your body wants to heal. Your body was created or evolved to heal. And you just have to put it in a healing environment. You know, I want everyone to know this too because he and I have worked together. I think things ebb and flow in your life, like, just so you guys all know that so many of the things that doctor Eamon and I have worked on and talked about have helped me. I think I've just caught myself during a interesting season again. And when I look at, like you talk about both these things in the book. I'd like you to address them. But so I look at, like, in my case, like, well, I was really doing good for, like, two or three years. What happened recently that, you know, I think just my emotional mental well-being, my brain health as you describe it and have corrected me before. It's not, you know, mental health. It's brain health. Literally, it's your brain. I think there's, there's two things. One, there's a way out for me that you've taught me and another is the way in, where I get into these loops. So when you talk about I have some triggers. And one of the things in the book you talk about is identifying what are triggers for you that could put you in these loops. And then way out for me and by the way, you know, he's already described many things, but you teach this diaphragmatic breathing that I do that's been, like, really a big deal to me. I think, how simple. But, like, when I'm in a certain pattern and a way of thinking, I have a certain breathing pattern also, which doesn't serve me. And when I have changed my breathing, something that simple, I I can monitor my, my HRV and it goes up. Like, just by changing my breathing, just by changing that part of me has changed my brain health, my heart health. And so would you talk about what a trigger is and then just something as simple as the breathing that you teach? So I would love for you to just write down your triggers, because if you do EMDR, that's what you go after. Then you go, so what's the origin of the trigger? So you feel it, get your eyes going back and forth, and then you get on a train, and it's like, so when's the first time I felt that? And and then is there a time before? And it's so powerful to covet your triggers because they're teaching you what you need to work on. Diaphragmatic breathing is so powerful. And when you have a negative thought or when you get triggered, your breathing becomes faster and more shallow. If you ever watch a baby breathe or a puppy breathe, they breathe almost exclusively with their belly. So the diaphragm is this huge bell shaped muscle between your chest cavity and your abdominal cavity. And if you watch a baby breathe or a puppy breathe, when they breathe in, they stick their belly out because what they're doing is they're flattening their diaphragm. And what we talked about before, four seconds in, hold it for a second or two, eight seconds out, and then hold it out for a second or two. And for anybody who has a panic disorder, it fixes it. If you just do that 10 times. And I recommend people do it every day. So I wake up and I stretch, and then I do diaphragmatic breathing. And if my HRV is 40, it'll often go to 80 right afterwards. So the more you do it, the higher your HRV, which is a sign of both heart and brain health. And so, I think the more you do that, that's good. I'm so glad it's helpful. And even when you're doing the breathing, think about the trigger. And then even without EMDR, it's, oh, it's the first time I felt like that. And then take your good parent self. And often, it's loving the child that was afraid or the child that was mad. And there's another thing in the book that I I love so much on the origin of pain, and that is when we're born, we want to bond. We have to bond because they feed us. They clothe us. They shelter us. They protect us. It's because of them we live. And, so we desperately want to bond and then say something bad happens. Your your dad's unpredictable or angry. Your parents get divorced. Somebody dies in the family. There's an accident. One of your parents got fired. Whatever it is. And then you feel, pain. And then you feel rage. Well, you really can't feel that. And so you block it, and then you feel guilt about the rage. You'd like you did something wrong. And that becomes part of who you are, but it sets people up for pain. And often getting to the rage, the origin of the rage, is is so important. So, guys, when you're starting something new, it seems like your to do list just keeps growing. Every day, new task. What do I do next? I gotta tell you something. When I started this podcast, which was like a million years ago, I was totally lost. I'm like, how do I do my online stuff? How do we book people? Guess what I found out? Shopify. Basically, if you see me doing something online, it probably involves Shopify. Shopify is the ecommerce platform behind millions of businesses. Check this out. 10% of all e commerce in The US use Shopify. 10% of all commerce online, and they've helped me turn a lot of my different dreams into action and into reality. So whether you need a website, you need to write copy, you need help with marketing, you need checkout, you need to be able to get your money out of the system. All of it can be done with Shopify. So turn those dreams into reality and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com/mylet. Go to shopify.com/mylett. Shopify.com/mylett. So good. You guys isn't isn't he amazing? Yeah. I've known him a long time. I I mean, this is 71. I'm not just saying this because we're friends. You're just getting better. You're just getting better. You actually you really make me hopeful as I enter those years of my life that I can even be more effective and, sharper and more contributory than I am now because I'm watching you do it. This is a man who's changed, you know, millions of people's lives directly, almost a quarter of a million scans, you guys. There's something in the book that I don't think I understood that I wanna ask you about, which is so you have breathing. Guys, you know me. Every time I have them on, I'm like, okay. We understand the problems. What are the solutions? Right? Like, give me the give me the stuff. So the breathing has been transformative for me. And everybody you know, one thing he talks about in the book is having these habits too. Like anything in life, like your diet, you're working out, you can get away from them. And I think for me recently, that's just what's happened. I've just gotten away from the things that I know work. And in reading the book, which has a bunch of new stuff in it, I kind of I'm reconnecting, especially talking to him live today. Alright. I'm gonna I'm gonna be on the diaphragmatic breathing every day after I stretch now. Like, that's just done. Right? That's done. But what is this progressive relaxation? To me, like, in hearing it, I'm like, this technique like, I should be doing this just knowing how much I can feel the tension in my body that you and I that you've been describing. What is that? How's that work? So it's a hypnotic technique that is so effective. And, on my app BrainFitLife, I actually have it and a number of other hypnotic scripts or audios I do for people. It's basically close your eyes, roll your eyeballs up, and really stress them. Feel them up. And as you let them come back down, you just notice how relaxed your eye sockets feel. And then imagine that relaxation spreading like a warm penetrating oil to the muscles in your face, your head, your neck. And just imagine the relaxation spreading from the top of your head all the way down to the bottom of your feet. And it's about ten, fifteen minutes of just this beautiful, guided imagery relaxation session. And, you know, people have been psychiatrists have been doing it for a long time with patients. Well, not so much anymore because psychiatrists have become the prescriber, which just pisses me off so much. But it's a beautiful technique that I describe in in the book and have resources for people. There's also, a rage, hip hypnotic, audio for people where they go to a clearing in a forest. So put them in a trance, get them to open their subconscious mind to us. And then in the clearing and I wonder what pictures you would see. There's a big tree stump. And on the stump are pictures of all the things that have stressed you, that have pissed you off, that have made you sad, that have made you mad. And next to the stump is an ax where you cut them all up with great energy, just to sort of recognize that all of us have these memories that become like zombies, and they just, like, show up and they won't die. And so learning how to get rid of them is really important. He said something in there. He said, you know, get your mind directing your body. And what occurs to me the more and more I'm familiar with his work in my own life, it's like that's happening unconsciously anyway. So the more we begin to consciously take control of our mind direct our body through our breathing, through some of these guided meditations or hypnosis, or so just being aware of your triggers or knowing what these ants are and understanding them what for what they are when they show up, now you're starting to take charge of your mind directing your body rather than that happening in some unconscious, subconscious way all the time. And that's really why the work is so great. So I wanted to tell you, about a year and a half ago, I think I went through about six months of the best mental health I've ever had. And, ironically, it was through a very stressful time in business. Just some stuff with, you know, people taking advantage of me and some betrayals that took place in my life. And yet, I'm weird in the sense that when things are pretty good, my mind finds reasons to worry and have anxiety. But when actually really bad stuff happens, I'm actually typically a pretty calm guy. It's a really interesting way I go about my life. However, I went through some of the best, I just say, emotional and mental health of my life during this very difficult time. Ironically, I was going to do hyperbaric oxygen very regularly to recover from an injury that I had. And I didn't think about it. And then when I stopped, I kinda went back to baseline. And then I'm reading the book, and that's one of the things you recommend for your mental or your brain health is hyperbaric oxygen. So I gotta let you talk about that for a second because I lived this just not knowing that was one of the benefits. Well, I'm a huge fan. Published a study on soldiers who were involved in blast injuries, significant improvement in blood flow, and it decreases inflammation. So this active suffering pathway is often due to inflammation. And so hyperbaric oxygen lowers that, and then it activates, increases blood flow, especially to the prefrontal cortex, the calming pathway. So you can see just that by itself has benefit to two thirds of the brain's pain pathways. I I recommend it so often, for people, especially if they have low blood flow on their scans, which I did, by the way. Okay. We're coming to the end here, and I gotta ask you about this psilocybin thing. And, also, I wanna ask you about Ibogaine. So you mentioned war fighters there a minute ago. I have had friends of mine who have had, you know, severe PTSD recently. Just just before we came on here live, I was reading an article. So I want you to speak your mind about this, and maybe there's a distinction between the two. So, I'm just reading this morning. Conor McGregor went to Mexico. Did you see this? Went to Mexico and says, my life's changed. I saw and I'm not I'm I'm saying how he said it. I I don't have an opinion about this because I've never experienced it. But he basically said it changed his life. He did an Ibogaine therapy. I've had a couple, Rob O'Neills, been on my show, who killed Osama bin Laden, who said Ibogaine's made a big difference in his life. And then I've had other people go do these trips where they do, you know, mushrooms. They do psilocybin, and they some have said I had a good trip, and some have said, oh, man. It got really dark, and it wasn't good for them. So are they different to you? Are they the same? I know they're in different mechanisms, but are both of them fall into the same category to you? Do you have an opinion about one Well, they're they're different. But, but I'm very worried. And the reason I'm worried is I've seen this party before. I mean, that's sort of the benefit or the curse of doing this as long as I had. In the eighties, benzos were mommy's little helper, and they were not supposed to be addictive. No one talked about them causing dementia. But benzos are problematic. And then in the early nineties, it was alcohol as a health food. And it's just a blatant lie. They increase the risk of eight different cancers, and they cause more destruction. Right? You experience that as a child. And then, pain is the fifth vital sign. You should be on opiates, which no, you shouldn't be. Because I talk about it in the book that opiates off actually piss off your white blood cells and increase inflammation. So short term benefit that create more pain. And then, you know, the recent one is marijuana is innocuous. It's legal in 40 states. And it's created this nightmare in our society of people who are sad and anxious and suicidal and psychotic So stay there. So there's there's benzos, alcohol, weed. Okay. You take a leap that that includes psilocybin, for example. That's the So so here's here's the here's the psilocybin thing. For some people, it's helpful. Just like for marijuana, for some people, it's helpful. But the problem, because everybody's all excited and nobody's talking about the fact that visits to emergency rooms for psilocybin psychosis has skyrocketed in the last three years, that teenagers are microdosing on a regular basis. They're having mushroom parties. And what we're doing is we're taking something that under good supervision could be helpful, and now everybody's doing it. And that is the prescription for huge trouble. I have somebody I care deeply about who started dating someone that said, let's do mushrooms together, and she became psychotic. And I'm very worried that people aren't going caution, caution, caution. Maybe in supervised settings, but just like you said, that, one person had a good trip, another person had a bad trip. And how do you know? And we don't know. And perhaps, you know, I should do imaging and go, okay, let's see if we can predict who gets benefit and who doesn't. But I remember reading Will Smith's, autobiography. And I loved him. He, I I was a consultant on the movie Concussion, and I thought he should have got an Oscar nomination for that movie. But in toward the end of the book, he said he went to South America and did Ayahuasca 14 times. And then he just blew up his life on the Oscars hitting Chris Rock. And I'm like, well, this didn't fix him. And and so I I don't think there's enough. And I don't know if we've talked, but I've been working with the White House, actually, on creating a national brain health revolution. Don't hate me. My god. I've gotten so much hate. If Obama would have said, hey, Daniel, will you help? I'm like, yes. And, the White House faith office loves me, and they are working with me to create a national brain health revolution. And there's a lot of pressure to, like, nationally legalize marijuana and get on board with the psilocybin train. And I'm like, I'm just not a fan, especially like Conor McGregor. Did he do EMDR? Did he do hyperbaric oxygen? Has he done the work that doesn't have the risk of things like Ibogaine? I I have before and after Ibogaine scans, and I don't like them. I mean, I know why they work. They quiet the chatter in your head. But there are other ways to quiet the chatter. Like, give your mind a name so you can gain psychological distance from the noise. It's so helpful. Was that a full hour, everybody? Are you happy that you spent the time with us here today? I gotta tell you something. I think this is his best book. And I've read most of them. And so I don't say it just because we're friends. By the way, it's certainly not a small book either. You won't you won't be done in five minutes. Change your brain. Change your pain. We've gone through a lot today to help you. Thank you for being so generous, by the way, with your information and your time when I interview you every single time. You don't hold anything back. And I love you and I'm grateful for you in my life. So thank you for being here today, my brother. I love you back, and thank you for helping me spread the word. And the one question, always remember this question. It'll help you stay on track with your habits. This is the national brain health revolution question. Is what I'm doing now good for my brain or bad for it? And if you can answer that with information and love, love of yourself, love of your family, love of the reason God puts you on earth, you just make better choices. Really good. I will remember that. I think people are gonna remember this. You guys, I don't there's sometimes I don't have to even ask you to share an interview. I just know you're gonna share this one. So go ahead and do that. And, by the way, if you're listening to this on the audio and you're not on the YouTube channel, go subscribe to YouTube. And if you're watching YouTube, go subscribe to an audio platform, whether that's Apple or Spotify or your audio platform of choice. Thank you, doctor Amen. God bless you, everybody. Max out.

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## 7 Signs You’re Not in Control of Your Life | Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZuKBpEMQv0
- **Published:** 5 days ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, now on with the show. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the show. So today, I wanna share an experience with you that I had recently that really made me reflect on life in general and how we all operate our lives. And so here's what happened. I was on a daddy daughter trip with my daughter not that long ago, Bella. We were in Boston, and we had gone out to dinner one night. And after dinner, we called a cab, and a cab came and picked us up. And when we got in the cab, I could tell this guy that was driving the cab was an odd dude. He was kinda agitated and fidgety, and we both kinda looked at each other and kinda smirked thinking this could be interesting. And it really got interesting. And so I'm gonna tell you this story, but I tell you this story under the premise that it made me look at life in general and being in control in our life or who or what is in control and how terrifying it can be in our lives to feel out of control. And frankly, in my work, so many people I meet are not in control of their lives. They're not in control of their emotions, their behaviors, and something else is always driving what they're doing. When you can uncover who's really driving in your life, what's driving the way you behave, what's driving the results of your life, you can have a significant breakthrough. And believe it or not, this evening, I had one. So here's what happens. Bella and I have dinner. It was a great dinner. So great to be able to get away with just one of your children at some time. And so we just had an incredible experience, and, it ended up being a great weekend. But this night was terrifying. And so we get into this cab, and we begin to drive, and immediately, this guy takes off screeches out. I say, hey, man. You know? Hang on a second. I've got the most precious commodity in the world back here with me, which is my daughter. Right? This guy starts to accelerate, and my daughter and I ended up being on a twenty five minute ride that was one of the most terrifying experiences of both of our lives where we were totally out of control and at the mercy of this person. Don't know if you ever had a cab ride to some of these cities, but sometimes it can almost be funny. You're sitting back there going the crazy things they'll do. Sometimes it's so scary you're almost laughing. I don't know if you ever had that experience before in a cab, but where they're just driving crazy and cutting people off and not breaking and running red lights. And you ever did that yourself or even if you were riding with a friend of your car, be like, hey. Slow down. Take it easy. You're gonna kill us here. For some reason, these things happen in cabs I found in my life. But this one was a totally different level. And so he hits the accelerator so quickly. We're both thrown back into the seat where and I can't move forward. And I'm trying to tell this guy because there's a cage, you know, between you and the front. Hey, man. Slow down. And my daughter starts laughing, I think, out of fear. You know that giggle where you're kinda scared? And I start kinda laughing at first as well. We find ourselves doing over 60 miles an hour in the beginning of this ride on one way streets in Boston. I don't know if you ever been to cities like Boston before. These are one way streets. You should be going 15 miles an hour maximum. It's dark out. The lights aren't on. Her and I don't know the city very well, and we're doing 60 miles an hour. We almost hit a parked car, then we take a left. Almost hit an uncommon car because he took a left turn onto the wrong way of a one way, and he's zooming out of it. We're doing 60 miles an hour. And everywhere we went around corners, around bends, the car's almost skidding, and we're both yelling at him, stop. Stop. And he's not. He thinks because we laughed in the beginning, but somehow we're enjoying this, and he's actually doing more of it. And it gets to the point where we end up zooming towards this fork in the road, and now we're doing about 80 miles an hour on a road that should be maybe 15 miles an hour maximum. And what happened throughout this ride is we lost total control of our lives. I mean, complete control. We are at the mercy of this person driving, and you know what it's like when you get in a cab. I've never met him before. I don't know his background. I don't know what drugs may be going through his system. I've got my daughter back here whose life I'm now in fear of. I'm in fear of my own life at the same time. And he we're going so fast. We're jammed in the back by these seat belts. This was not a normal crazy cab ride. This was something else. And it was a terrifying experience to be totally out of control. And this pilot, this person driving up front owned our lives. Our entire lives were in his hands, and they weren't in very good hands. And when I tell you that this is the most crazy ride of my life, we ended up pulling on to the on ramp of the freeway going the wrong way at one point. Heading on to the wrong way of an on ramp, certainly towards our deaths. This just happened. And he catches himself, throws it in reverse, does about 30 miles an hour in reverse where we're weaving back and forth the wrong way now and then back. And we end up flying. You can probably picture what this experience was like for us. And now I'm yelling at the guy. You know? You can imagine the words coming out of my mouth, but he's not stopping because he's so worked up, probably whatever was in his system at the time. And we finally pull up to the valet at the hotel. We we were blessed to be staying at a pretty nice hotel. And I could see the valets could see us coming because you could hear the engine roaring from a couple blocks away. You can picture this. And it's dark out. It's raining a little bit now. You can hear our car coming. And we finally corner around the hotel and he screeches into the valet. And, of course, we spent those twenty five minutes totally out of control in our lives. Someone else driving everything. And as a control freak in my own life, it was a terrifying experience. And so I will get into what happened after that, but I had my daughter get out of the car. I said, Bella, get out of the car. And me and this man exchanged a few words. It wasn't really very intense because I was still in such shock. Frankly, in hindsight, I wish I was more aggressive with him, and I paid the the the fare, and I shut the door. And here's what happens next. He takes off out of the valet full speed. And now I'm telling the valet I'm in the middle of telling the valet, my daughter and I, what this experience just was, and we watch the car. He's he is still within sight distance of the valet. And he hits a car head on, then he hits a parked car. This was within eyeshot of where we were about thirty five to forty seconds after he dropped us off. He was in a very serious car accident. Now fortunately by the way, we're just out of the car. So my daughter and I were seconds away from being in that accident. Now fortunately, the people that he hit ended up being okay, and I believe he was okay. And I tell you all of that story because I believe it was a tremendous metaphor for our lives. Number one, it was a terrifying experience. The terrifying part wasn't necessarily just the fear that we were gonna hurt ourselves or be killed or hurt someone else, but it was this notion of being completely out of control, and something and someone else was driving everything. And I think a lot of people's lives are that way. If you could picture that car ride, I want you to picture your life. And I want to ask you a question. Because that crash is inevitable if something or someone else is driving things behind the scenes in our subconscious mind or in our emotions or even spiritually. We were seconds away from that crash, and my fear is that so many of you, including myself sometimes, have something or someone else driving. And then we're not in control of our choices and our decisions and that we don't do a self audit regularly enough to say, what's driving my behavior? What's driving these results I'm getting? Who's really in control here? Am I really in control of my life? Am I in control of my decisions? Am I in control of the choices that I'm making? And more often than not, someone else or something else behind the scenes, subconsciously and sometimes even consciously, is in control of our lives, and we live our lives out of control. Before I get into some of the teaching that I wanna share with you, I wanna ask you a question. Do you really feel like you're in control of your life? Do you really feel like you're in control of your choices? Or far too often, are you a passenger in the back seat of your own life? Out of control, zigging and zagging dangerously through life, maybe even more dangerously than most people know, maybe more on the edge than most people could ever possibly understand or realize. And I have to tell you, those experiences are terrifying. Not only in that car that night, and what ends up happening at some point is there's a crash. And the carnage can be terrible in our lives. And so let's ask ourselves together today, myself included, Who's driving right now for you in your life? Are you in the back seat of passenger in your own life and something or someone else is driving most of your life in control of too many aspects of your life? And so let's look at what some of those things could be that may possibly be driving things. Number one, are your fears the driver of your life? Is that who's in control? Is that who's really driving, who guides things, and you're a pastor in their back seat sort of being thrown around out of control because your fears drive your choices and your behaviors in your life? Could that be what's driving right now? And if fears are driving your life, ultimately, there will be a crash. If fears are driving your life, you are in the back seat of your life, not in the front seat driving, not in control of your life. Fears could ultimately be driving most of the choices you're making in your life, most of the feelings you have in your life, and most of the results of your life. For far too many people, the front seat is being driven by their fears, and they're in the back seat at the whims and choices and decisions that their fears make on their behalf. Maybe it's not your fears. Maybe it's some other person's opinion that you're worried about. Maybe it's judgment still from parents. I have a very good friend of mine who told me recently. She said, I'm still trying to get the approval of my dad, and my father's been passed away for fifteen years. Is it some other person's opinion that's driving the choices? You're afraid of the hate you might get from them, the criticism, the ridicule, the frustration? Do you live with someone whose emotions are on edge all the time and you're afraid of their anger? You're afraid of them lashing out. You're afraid of their judgment. You're afraid of their emotions' ups and downs, the roller coaster type person in your life. You're afraid of them. Maybe you don't phrase it that way, but you don't want to offend them. You don't wanna work them up. You don't wanna poke them too much. Or maybe you've got a parent or a friend or a group of people that you're afraid of their judgment and their opinion. What they'll think of you if you really were authentic and vulnerable about who you are and what you want and what the emotions are that you have in your life. So you you wear a mask. You pretend to be somebody that you're not to please these people. Is some other person's opinion driving your life? Is it both of them? Is it your fears that drive sometimes? And then when your fears decide to get in the passenger seat, some other people's opinion, they're driving now, but you're still in the back seat totally out of control. By the way, sometimes we fear the opinion of an imaginary person who doesn't even exist, but we're just worried about what they're gonna think. We don't even know who they are or what they're thinking, but we don't wanna mess it up. And that's a person who lives out of control. Just zigging and zagging out of life. Half the time going the wrong way, throwing it in reverse. Really scary way to live our lives, yet so many people live an unexamined life. By the way, I think to some extent, I'm talking to myself. I'm a control freak. I know that. And, I know that in that car that night, I didn't like not being in control. But, I do know that there's been times in my life where there are other things that control me. I wonder why did I make that choice? Why did I say that? Why can't I get control of my emotions? Or why do I keep falling into this pattern? So I relate. Let me ask you this. Maybe it's not fears. Maybe it's not someone's other opinion. Maybe it is. Maybe it's just an old story that's in control of your life. There's a story you keep telling yourself about your past, about someone who hurt you or some harm that was done or some failure of yours, and you just keep this old story going, and it's controlling your entire life. It drives everything you do to this day. Some old story that you just keep carrying and carrying and carrying. My mom did this. My dad did that. My sister this. That divorce. This person hurt me. It may even be a true story, but that old story is driving the car of your life, not you. You've allowed this story, true or not, let's just assume it's true, to control your life. And until you let go of that story, until you surrender that, yes, that happened, but I'm gonna create a new story. I'm gonna tell you where I'm going. That old story keeps driving. And by the way, that old story, you know what it does? It takes you on the same road, the same time over and over and over again. It's like having no navigational equipment, no steering wheel, no brake, no accelerator. It's just on autopilot. It's like having an auto driven car that you don't even need to be driving. And it's just the story just drives your life, and it's been driving it for too long. So maybe it's an old story that's driving your life, And that story's in control of your life, not you. Let me say this halfway through on these different choices. You were born to be in control of your life. You and God, you and your higher power, you and your faith partnering together. Your fears aren't supposed to be in the front seat driving your life. With you in the back seat, some spectator being thrown around afraid. Other people's opinions, parents, siblings, friends, imaginary people that don't even exist, their opinions shouldn't be driving your life. But behind the scenes, let's just be real. That's who's driving. That's who's in control. This old story that you keep telling, stop. It's controlling your entire life. It allows you to make no new turns, see no beautiful new vistas, take in anything brand new because you keep repeating the same story on the same track and the same map. Maybe it's not an old story. Maybe it is. Maybe it's your emotions that are in charge of your life. Do you have a tendency to get to sadness too quickly? Anger? Anxiety? I think in my case, if I were being honest, I think many times my emotions have taken the front seat and they've driven. I've allowed my emotions to be the driver. I've had a propensity when I was younger. I think anger. I'd have these outbursts. Maybe some of you relate to this, and then later I feel so bad. Why why was I so worked up? Why did this emotion take over and drove for that entire hour of my life, that entire day, that entire week of my life? Maybe some of you wake up and you have this pattern of sadness. This emotion keeps popping up and it's in control of your life. It takes the decisions or the lack thereof that you keep making. Maybe it's anxiety. Right? I don't know which one it is, but these emotions are in control of your life, not you. They drive your proverbial life for you. It's a scary thing, isn't it? When you feel though if you're one of these people where your emotions start to you go you know it. Right? It's coming. And these emotions start driving, and you're not in control, and you can't stop it. You can't turn it off. And then later, you look back with regret, and you've you're frustrated with yourself. I think a self audit right now, some self reflection, some examination as I'm talking. There are emotions that are driving. Is that the driver that's so scary? That cab driver that night was pretty dang scary. Right? Maybe anger is your cab driver. Maybe sadness is your cab driver. Maybe anxiety is your cab driver. Maybe your old story is your cab driver. Maybe other people's opinions. Maybe it's your fears. But when emotions drive our lives, we are an out of control human being. And by the way, even those of you that hang on for those rare moments of total joy, total bliss, those little fractional moments that you're gonna get, let's just be honest, one to five, maybe 10% of the time at best in your life. You're gonna hang on and delay all of the great things in your life just for those fleeting moments of some little, you know, hit of bliss as opposed to you being in charge of your life and allowing yourself to experience the emotions you want anytime you want. You dictate the story. You dictate the opinion. You push away the fears. You choose the emotions. The emotions don't choose for you. Maybe it's not that. Maybe who's driving is your lack of belief. Maybe it's your lack of self confidence and belief in yourself. And that lack of belief, that lack feeling that you have for yourself is really in control of your life. That's the cab driver. The cab driver of your life is, I don't believe in myself. So that I don't believe in myself as the cab driver drives every choice I make. It's why I avoid make taking risks. It's why I don't date or I don't see people or I don't start a business or I don't really go for it in my business or I don't start building my personal brand or I don't write that book or I don't give that speech or I don't reach out to that person that I wanna reconcile with. My lack of belief is the cab driver of my life. I'm totally out of control if I'm being honest because this lack of belief is going on behind the scenes. It's this loop that I keep running. That's who's really driving my life, not me. So is it your lack of belief? Maybe it's not lack of belief. Maybe it's just your patterns. You've developed these patterns in your life of thoughts, most of which were installed in you when you were very, very young, and you have these patterns that you just keep repeating over and over. I have I think of a few friends of mine, and why does it surprise us when someone behaves like who they are? You know, I have a few friends I think of recently. Like, they made some choices that, you know, they've always made these choices. They just, you know, they can go for five months or a year or eight months being a better version of themselves, but ultimately, they do the same thing they've always done. They go back into the same pattern, the same choice, the same self destruction, the same pain they cause other people, the same selfishness, whatever it might be. Their patterns are in total control of their life. And so they can go a little while. It's almost like an alcoholic who's like, I can quit for a month. I can quit for six months. I can quit for eight months. Eventually, that pattern comes back again. And so are your patterns, the cab driver of your life, are they the ones in charge? Do your patterns eventually come back and they kinda rule the roost? What about this? Maybe it's you as a child is still in control of your life. Things that happened to you when you were a child, the thoughts you had as a child, the mindset, the identity you developed as a child, the five year old you still in charge, the eight year old you still in charge, the 12 year old you still in charge, not the adult, well read, someone listening to personal development, listen to the best in the world, listen to me right now. Not all the stuff you've learned, but it's your patterns, or it's you as a child that's in charge. And this little girl or little boy is still in charge of your life rather than this grown strong woman who's capable of taking charge and being the driver, this grown strong man who can make new choices and new decisions and create a new life and treat people differently and feel differently. That's not who's driving. That's not who's in charge. You're in the back seat, and the five year old you is in the front seat driving. Nothing scarier than a child driving the car of life. Nothing scarier than a child. Can you imagine a seven year old driving that cab through Boston that night? But so many of you, the seven year old you is driving you through this entire life. This nine year old, this five year old, this two year old. Time for that to stop. And then lastly, you know what? Maybe there's just another person who's in control of you. Maybe there's a person in your life that you've allowed to take control of you. And those of you that are in that situation right when I said it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Those of you that have a girlfriend that's living like that or a buddy of yours that's living like that, you know exactly what I'm talking about. This other person controls them. They've allowed this other person to take control of their life, to be in charge of their life, pleasing them, not offending them, making them happy, making them comfortable, pulling them out of their emotional turmoil, trying to avoid that person's emotional outburst or their ridicule in their life. So many people have entered a dependent type relationship, a codependent type relationship with a friend or a loved one, their significant other. And the truth is that other person's in control of your life or their life and not you. And you weren't born to have another person control your life. Nobody is that important that they should be in control of your life, nor should you be in control of their life. And maybe if you're that type of person who you have this propensity that's gonna control people, maybe you need to evaluate that today saying, what am I doing to this person in their life? And if you're being controlled by another person, you've got to ask yourself, when did I surrender control to this person? And how do I get this back? Because all of these things are equally or more scary than that cab ride I had that night. Because all you got is this one life. All you've got is this one life. This precious life that you were born to do something great with, that you're supposed to be born to help other people, to live with great emotions, to make great contributions in your life, to have tremendous memories. Not every moment of life is supposed to be blissful and perfect. But the truth of the matter is you should have more bliss, more abundance, more success, more wealth, more contribution, more memories maybe than you're getting right now. And it's a scary way to go through life. I wanna challenge you today to evaluate what I've covered, to get out of the back seat of your life, to stop allowing your fears, other people's opinions, old stories, your emotions, your lack of belief, your patterns, your inner child, or another human being to control your life, and you step forward and get in the driver's seat again. And so that these crashes don't keep happening. This journey of life is supposed to be a rather beautiful one where we have these awakenings and breakthroughs and discoveries and understandings. I like to say that I'm addicted to the expansion of my being. Whatever that means. For some of you, it's the expansion of your contribution. It's the expansion of your emotions. It's the expansion of your wealth. The expansion of your company. The expansion of the relationships you have. Expansion of the difference that you can make. But none of those things are possible if you aren't in the driver's seat, if you aren't in control of your life. And I don't want you to be standing around waiting for that inevitable crash that we saw at the valet that night. You weren't born for that. You were born to do something beautiful and magnificent with your life. And so I hope today you've taken an evaluation of who's really in charge, who's really doing the driving in your life. And as I've listed these different drivers in life, these different things that can take control of our lives, that you eliminate the ones that impact you the most, and you switch seats, and you move them to the back seats. It's not like they're always just gonna go away instantaneously. Let me be very clear. When you make decisions like this, they don't just disappear. But if you can move them to the back seat and you step forward in the front seat, now you're driving and they're spectating. They'll do their best to climb in that front seat from time to time. But if you understand who they are and you're aware of them, you can move them back there anytime you need to, and you can drive the results and the emotions of your life. Get a quote. I want to ask you what this means. By the way, I've never done this before. I've had guys listen to the show where I read someone's quotes back to them. That's how good they are. And I know I'm sure you took these from other places, but you live by them, which is what matters to me. May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. What do you mean when you say that? And how does that manifest itself? Yeah. I would say that, you know, the the life that we want, I feel like the circumstances that we want, the the state of mind that we want is all, like, reflected upon reflected from the choices that we make on a day to day. And, I feel like, you know, at the very beginning, the the choices that I make, I have to be able to trust myself and respect the choices that I make. And from there, when I do that, I feel like I can look to the future with hope and, like, maintain a vision of, like, what I want my life to look like. And, okay, like, that's the mountain top. It's like, alright. What are the choices that are in the individual steps that are gonna take me to get there? And just keep those things as simple as possible. Like, what can I get to what can I do today in this moment or within this hour that can, know, move me closer to or, you know, create the heart and the mind and the framework in me to handle that success or handle that, level of anointing? Like, what can I do today to move me towards that? Because a lot of times, we can look at that mountain, and I'm I'm victim of it too of, like, man, that's super high up. Like, dang. I don't know if I'm gonna get there. And if I what if I fall off? What if I don't make it? What are these people gonna think about me? And, you start to do things out of making sure that you don't look bad or making sure that you don't slip or making sure that you don't lose when really, like, there are certain losses and failures that need to happen along the way probably to help you get to where you wanna go. And that's with with that hope. That doesn't always mean that everything's gonna go your way, but it does mean that you're moving in that direction and learning the things and just living a real life of, like, everything is not always gonna be wins. Everything is not always gonna be positive. But I can if I maintain that hope and that faith through those circumstances is what's preparing me to con to make whatever I want, whatever vision I have to become reality, I guess. Yeah. You gotta ask yourself, everybody, if you're listening to this, how many choices do you think you make on a daily basis out of fear and how many do you actually make out of hope or your vision or your dream? Be really interesting thing to ask yourself, like, because your autopilot is one or the other. And I will tell you that I think ninety plus percent of people, their autopilot is to operate to avoid pain or out of fear. And it is and he's raising his hand and it is not out of dream vision. I'm actually doing a podcast on this later today. It's not out of the ladder, which is dreams, hopes, faith. We don't make our choices unconsciously that way. It's something worth looking at. And what if you could just change that by 20%? That 20% of the time, at least you moved out of hope and faith and dreams. How do you deal with doubt, Darren? I mean, I got to think, first off, being a top level athlete, there's a lot of doubt. Sobriety, there's doubt. Coming out and doing this today, you know, putting yourself out on social media like you do daily, teaching these lessons. I'm sure not everyone's like, that's amazing what you're doing and wondering whether or not, you know, like you said, you've made some mistakes. I have this thing I'm doing right right now where I say there's four D's that I think the adversary or the devil uses to get us off our dreams. And the four are discouragement, doubt, delusion and delay. Doubt's a huge one. There's probably not a human watching this today or listening to it who does not struggle with some degree of doubt. And when they look at a dude like you, like six six, two fifty, super handsome dude, millions of dollars, accolades, he probably has no doubts. Does he? And how does he deal with them if he does? Man, that takes me to one specific moment. It was, 2020 season, which was my best season. And I had a 200 yard game that year. We played the Jets, and there's, like, only six dudes at my position in the history of the league that have done that. And, I remember, you know, you play Sunday. Monday is like a lift, watch the film, and Tuesday is your off day, and then Wednesday is your first day of practice out of the game. And we're at Wednesday in practice. I'm lining up routes on air against, like, no defender out there just catching the pass, just getting warmed up. And in my mind, I'm like, alright. Like, gotta catch this pass. Don't drop this pass. I'm like, I just came off a 200 yard game where I caught everything that was thrown at me, could not be stopped. But here I am on Wednesday, like, I hope I catch this pass with no defender covering me. So it's like, even in the midst of success and doing a lot of great things, I'm still battling that doubting mind because it's been this wired in me since I was a kid of, like, I don't know if these people are gonna accept me. I don't know if I'm, you know, safe here. I don't know if my performance is ever gonna be enough. And then it's like, you do a performance that is not just more than enough, but historically recognized. And I still am like, I hope I catch this pass in practice. Like, it's a it's a real thing, and it constantly has to be revisited and and sat with, honestly. Like, when it's when doubt comes, like, I'm I was used to numbing it, like, with pills, with drinking, with women, like, whenever when doubt comes in, but it's really sitting with that doubt and being like, well, why am I afraid of that? Like, what does like, what is the worst possible thing that could happen? And I'm am I could I handle that? Like, you know, somebody points at me and laughs or says something in the comments, like, because I fail, like, can I, like, what about that scares me so much? And that'll kinda point you to more towards answers. So, it's still something I'm unpacking in my life. That's fascinating to me that you have 200 yards against, you know, the best defenders in the league and all these schemes. And by the time you got 80 yards, they're scheming to shut you down. So you end up getting 200 and now you're worried about catching a pass in the air with nobody covering you. Right? And one of the lessons from that that I've learned, Darren, because, you know, with my work with athletes, but just humans is a lot of us think, well, failure causes doubt. And it does. But one of the great triggers of doubt is progress. When you're making progress, it's a huge doubt trigger because now you're going into unchartered territory. And what starts to happen in your mind as you start thinking the tools that got me here aren't going to get me beyond here. And it starts triggering these doubts. So just remember this, everybody. That's why most people don't succeed long term because they their results start to exceed their identity. And what they do is they cool their life back down. They're like, I'm going to doubt myself right back to where I'm comfortable. At 200 yards, I've never done that in an NFL game before. Let me cool this thing back down where I get 40 next game and drop a couple passes. Right? And if you're on audio, he's nodding like smiling because progress is a great trigger of doubt in your life. It's a huge one. Welcome back to max out, everybody. I'm Ed Mylett. And today, I'm extremely excited to share these thoughts with you because I think what we're gonna cover today may be the single most important thing that will lead to you reaching the ultimate version of yourself, your optimal results, your max out level of play, or not ever getting there. And so, it's that important to me. You know, people ask me often what were some of the decisions and choices and areas I focused on that made the biggest difference for me in my life. And, today's topic is the thing that I would probably give you the gift of first, and that is the power of your identity. See, I believe the most powerful force in the world is to be consistent with the thoughts, ideas, concepts, and beliefs you hold to be true about yourself, and that is what identity is. Identity is the governor on every single area of your life. It literally sets the temperature for all of the conditions of your life. Shakespeare has this incredible quote that says, we know what we are, but not what we may be, and the who you may be is gonna be dictated by your ability to alter your identity, because you are going to always be consistent with what you believe you're worth, and what you believe you deserve, or what is your identity. Your identity, the best analogy I could give you, is like a thermostat sitting on the wall of your life. It sets the entire temperature for the conditions of your life in multiple areas. And so, most people think their life is dictated by external circumstances. They spend their entire life trying to control what is outside of them. You've all heard the great saying that people in 12 step programs talk about about learning to control the things they can and letting go of the things that they can't control. And the fact of the matter is you cannot always control the external factors that are impacting you in your life. The good news is it's the external things in your life that do not dictate the direction or the ultimate destination of your life. That is a fallacy. Listen to me when I tell you this. External circumstances do not dictate the ultimate destination of your life. It's an internal game. You and your faith, your God, are what will control the direction of your life, not the external things that are impacting you all the time. And this identity is that internal thermostat. It sets the temperature just like a thermostat sitting on the wall of the conditions of your entire life. Let me give an example of how the thermostat of our lives works. The best analogy I can give you is exactly how one works in the room I'm sitting in. It sets the temperature of the room, and so the external conditions don't impact the internal temperature of this room because that thermostat regulates the condition of the room. So if we open the door in the windows in this room and cold air blew in here, the thermostat would kick on, wouldn't it, and heat the room back up to 75 degrees. So no matter what hit it, it regulates the temperature of the room. The reverse is also true. If a bunch of hot air blew in the room, if we open the doors and the windows, the thermostat would cool the room back down and regulate it to 75 degrees. Guess what? That's exactly how your life works. Once you accept this truth, it is a fact that is not the external things that are happening, it's the internal thermostat. Too often in life, people don't work on changing their identity, they're always working on producing external results. Have you ever known somebody who was wealthy and no longer is? Have you ever known somebody who made a bunch of money and no longer does? How about somebody who was in a great relationship and that relationship no longer exists? How about someone who got in great shape that is no longer in that shape again? If your results begin to exceed your internal thermostat, you will find a way to cool your life back down to what you believe you're worth and you're comfortable with your identity. You'll think it's coincidental. Oh, I was this accident happened or this appointment canceled or this circumstance took place. It's not coincidence. All of those things have happened because you set the thermostat of your life and you've regulated what you're going to get. Isn't that incredible? That you can learn all the talents, the behaviors, the skills, the tactics, all the strategies that I teach you, but if you don't alter that thermostat internally, you could have all of the skills of a 100 degree producer, and you will live a 75 degree existence because you will turn the air condition of your life on back down to cool it where you're comfortable. It's also true, by the way you've seen this in your own life. Maybe you've had something really good going in business before. You've got momentum. It seems like things are happening great, and then you wake up four, five, six months later, and you've cooled your life, your business right back down to where it was before. Maybe you'd saved some money at one time, and then coincidentally your car broke down, or a bill happened, or there was a run of birthday parties, and all of a sudden that bank account's back to where it always was. It's not coincidental. You've cooled the conditions back down again, and so you've seen this happen. Maybe you got in great shape at one point, but your identity wasn't that fit a person, and you've cooled it back down to about what you're comfortable being. This is true in your faith and your relationships. By the way, you have multiple thermostat settings. You have one in your faith, you have one in your fitness, one in your money, one in your happiness. Right? One in your business life. So there's multiple identities we have. The reverse is also true. There's been times in your life where the circumstances, the conditions were terrible. You thought you'd never get out of it. You're never gonna eat again. Well, guess what? You ate again, didn't you? And you heated your life back up to that same place again. So, you've proven this over and over in your life, haven't you? So have I, so has every single human being. The governor on our life, the regulator of our life is our identity, which is the internal thermostat that sets the temperature for our life. So the key in life is to learn all the thoughts, the skills, the tactics, and the strategies that can heat our life up in the areas that matter most to us, but if we don't simultaneously change the conditions of our thermostat, change what we're comfortable living at, change our identity, our worth, change the thoughts, beliefs, concepts, and value we hold to ourself, we will cool or heat our life back to that regulated temperature. And so I'm telling you the overall key to changing the external conditions of your life is changing that internal thermostat setting. So that's what we're gonna talk about some strategies on today. Just being aware that you need to alter the thermostat is a life changing, liberating condition. I cover this in very specific detail in hashtag max out your life my book. It's a quick read, 100 pages. I wrote it so that every page has strategies on it, no fluff. If you want the book, go to maxoutbook.com. If you put in the code maxout, I'll buy the book for you. So, I cover this in detail there, but I wanna cover it in detail right now with you as well. What you need to be doing is becoming aware of how important it is that you adjust this thermostat setting as as you produce better results, as you start to learn new skills and strategies and tactics. See, you can move from an average business into an extraordinary business with incredible opportunity, but you will produce the same results you're getting in the average business if you don't change that thermostat setting up to 95 or a 100 or a 120 degrees of what you believe you're worth, the thoughts, concepts, and beliefs you hold true to be about yourself. So, it is the regulator on our lives, and it's the main thing I work on with my private coaching with some of the elite performers I work with in business, in athletics, in entertainment, in politics, is me working with them on changing that internal thermostat where we can heat it higher and higher and higher so that they can produce the results and the conditions of their life stay and exceed those levels all the time. In fact, in my own life, I'm always working on my self confidence, I'm working on my tactics and strategies, my ability to influence, right, my thoughts, all of those different things. But the thing I'm most obsessed about, that I know is gonna get me to the ultimate version of me, is constantly elevating the temperature in the areas that matter to me, adjusting that thermostat setting higher and higher and higher and higher so that I can get those conditions to match it because it always will. You will always get your thermostat setting always in your life. So, can I give you any insights as to how to change that thermostat setting? I can. Let me give you a couple. The most powerful way and the easiest way to change your thermostat setting is by adding people to your circle, very close proximity, that live at a higher temperature in that area than you do. For example, in your faith, let's just say, you're a 75 degreener in your faith, you've already seen this, you can't possibly begin to associate with good, godly people who pray regularly, who try to live righteously, and they're at 110, 120 degrees of faith in their life, and not have that proximity heat you up. Now, you won't get to where they are. You'll get to somewhere between where you are at 75 degrees and they are at 110, over time you become a 100 degreer, and you alter the thermostat setting through association. Same in business, if you and I were to hang around each other every single day, and let's say you were a 75 degreer in business, hypothetically, and I don't know that about you, but let's just say you were, and I was a 150 degreer, and we hung around each other all the time. Don't you think through that association, right, especially if you had two or three or four people like me in your life, that just over time you don't even feel it. You're at 80, you're at 85, you're at 90, you're at 95, and that's where you are. We understand the power of this with our children, because we know at school, the teachers have influence over them, they're mentors, but the people that really have influence over our children are their friends because they're around them all the time, and so we know it sets their temperature. This is true in fitness. If you're a 75 degree of fitness at every meal, every day at the gym, all your associations, hypothetically speaking, were with someone who was shredded and fit the way you wanted to look at a 150 degrees. You know over time you get heated up. And so, you can't be with someone every day, you can't be with them all the time, but the key is to get more proximity in the areas that matter with people whose thermostat setting is higher than yours. I am a product. You are listening to me right now because I've been so obsessed with this concept of adding new associations to my life that live in the areas that I want to improve in at higher temperatures than me. It's my obsession to this day. I'll give you a secret. One of the reasons I even do my show is I know that I'm influencing many of these guests in the areas that matter most to them through our proximity, and in some cases, they do it for me. And so, I'm obsessed with the power of association, but I don't just associate. See, all personal analysis, yeah, you're the five people you hang around. Kinda. You really are the five, the 10 people you hang around if you're conscious all the time of studying them, of observing them, of asking questions, of the fact that you should be altering your thermostat setting. That's when it really moves. It's not just hanging around. It's consciously and intentionally spending time with people where you allow it to impact you, where you study them, where you really observe them, where you're open to their influence. There has to be a level of trust before you can do that, where you surrender yourself to them, but it's not just being around them, it's intentionally being around people that alters that thermostat setting. So power of association is the main way to do it. Second way to alter your identity is in a short window of time, behave completely differently. In a thirty day window of time in your fitness life, you shock your system into eating or training completely differently than you used to, or in your business life, you make a 100 times more phone calls, a 100 more contacts, you do something in a very short window of time that shocks you into believing, my gosh, I could never go back where I was before. You trick your brain into believing you're different. There's this part of our brain that always wants to be consistent with what we're worth. Well, if in a short window of time, I begin to behave completely differently, your brain begins to believe you deserve something differently. When you begin to do the things nobody else is willing to do, you begin to believe you deserve the results nobody else deserves to get. This is important also because it changes the water line. It's almost like a water line in the pool. If you raise it, it leaves a new mark. Have you ever seen that before in a lake or a pool where you raise the water line in a short window of time and it just changes the mark in your life? It changes the thermostat setting. So you can alter things in your life in short bursts, and I do this often in an area where I really need to change, like right now, I just started back on a really, seriously, deeply committed fitness journey. I want to get back and past where I've ever been in fitness in my life, so I'm gonna add some of these new associations, I'm gonna train with a new group of people, because because I've been training alone, I'm going back to training with some people that are fitter than me, men and women that are fitter than me, that's my first combination, that'll alter my thermostat setting, our proximity, and secondly, I'm going psycho the next thirty days. I'm going psycho. I'm I'm altering my nutrition and my diet dramatically, my workouts dramatically, and I'm gonna shock my system in the next thirty days into changing the water line, changing that temperature setting. That's the second way you alter identity, alter the thermostat setting so that you alter the external results. I've said this to you before as well, see beliefs are so important to guard because once you have a belief your brain goes to work, and I've said this in another audio video, where your brain has to go to work to prove your beliefs to be true. Your brain literally goes to work on finding the evidence to prove you right, and so that identity, you're constantly reinforcing it. Let me give you an example of what I mean. If you believe a certain worth about yourself, a certain identity, that impacts the type of action you're willing to take. So if there's a goal you've got set, it doesn't matter what it is, pick a goal. To the extent that you believe it's consistent with your identity is to the extent that you will make an effort towards it. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, however, because what happens is if your identity is here and the goal is there, you will only make an effort congruent with what you believe you're worth, and so that limited effort you make produces the result not consistent, and it reinforces the belief. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. So, you set a goal that is inconsistent with an identity you're working on, you will only make an effort consistent with the identity, which will get you to here, doesn't produce the result, and it reinforces this belief you have about yourself. So, it's important as you set new goals, as you set new visions, that you also upgrade your identity simultaneously. You're in process of upgrading it because that identity impacts the effort you make, right? Impacts the will you put towards it, and that will is reinforced by the lack of result, and so it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. So, your mind has this belief it wants to prove to be true, and it starts to find references. So if you believe you're 75 degrees, it's gonna start finding legs to put under that table to make it immobile so it can't move to prove you right, and so our identity equals our effort, and the challenge is that effort produces the result, and so this identity has everything to do with the effort you make which produces the result which will reinforce the identity or the lack thereof. So, it's critical that you upgrade identity with your new visions and goals. The next layer of this is you need to stop what's no longer needed. In other words, there were behaviors and thoughts you've had in the past that were needed to produce the results you currently have, but you need to stop what's no longer needed. Maybe you're continuing a behavior in your life that's no longer needed. Maybe you're continuing a thought or a worry that at one time was needed but no longer is. Maybe there's a stress or an anxiety or a belief you're holding true to be about yourself that maybe you need it at some point in your life, that you no longer need. It could be something to protect yourself from fear, to protect yourself from harm, or to serve you in getting through a certain circumstance, but if we're not conscious of dropping a thought or a behavior that's no longer needed, we take old thoughts, old behaviors that serve an old version of ourself into trying to become the new version of ourselves. So ask yourself that question. What do I need to drop that's no longer needed? Is it a person? Is it a thought? Is it a behavior? Or is it an emotion? One of those things you probably are carrying with you from the past, but maybe you needed to get through a circumstance, maybe you needed to get through a relationship, through a setback, through a failure, or just to produce the results you currently get. But that thought, that behavior, that emotion, that person is no longer needed for you to go to the next level of your identity, the next level of your performance, the next level of yourself. And then finally is this, if you're stuck, you're stuck in a story. That's where you're stuck. There's a story you're telling yourself that doesn't serve you anymore, and you have to evaluate what that story is. I'm serious, right now if you say, Ed, I'm kinda stuck where I am. Well, what you need to do is you need to alter your associations, you need to do something in a short window of time, no question about it. You definitely need to evaluate what is no longer needed and evaluate the story you're telling yourself. There's all kinds of stories we tell ourselves that don't serve us anymore, this is critical. Maybe it's a story about your past, a story about your parents, a story about a previous relationship, a story about a success you used to have you keep talking about that doesn't serve you to get to the next level. If I can be real with you, whatever you've achieved up to this point, that story you keep talking about, every second you spend in that old story about what you've achieved, your degree, some business you had, one thing you were real successful at in the past, Every time you live in that story, you're stripping time and focus from the new story. What's the new story you're telling yourself? You can't have a new identity without a new story. What's the old story you keep repeating? Maybe it's not a success. Maybe it's a failure that you've had. It was a business setback, it was the market turned, it was the economy, it was someone who did you wrong, a relationship that let you down, a business partner who wasn't consistent, a failure you've had, a poor decision you made, a mistake you made in your life, and you're repeating this story to yourself simultaneously trying to create a new identity. You can't take that old story into the new identity. One of the things we have to do to create a new identity is to begin to tell a new story. What's your new story? Who are you now? What are you all about now? Where are you going now? What's this new version of you? See, here's what's amazing. At any point in your life, you can just decide to write a new script. You can decide to become a whole new character. See, the leading character in the story of your life is you, and guess what? You and God control the script. You could write a new script at any time you want. Listen to me, at any time you want, you can simply decide to be a new character. I'm strong now. I'm beautiful now. I'm handsome now. I'm bold now. I'm funny now. I'm smart now. I'm going there now. Stop telling the old story. Here's the truth. Nobody cares. No one cares if you had a failure. No one cares if you've had a setback. No one cares if you had a victory, and none of those failures, none of those setbacks, none of those victories, and that old character you keep playing is the very thing that will prevent you from becoming this new version of you. It's a story if you're stuck. It's an old story you're telling with an old character that was last year's version, last decade's version. Who's the new character? What's the new script? What's the new story? I must tell you, I have a lot of weaknesses, a lot of things I do that don't serve me, but this identity thing, I get this. It's the key. Now there's a lot of little mini things in life that matter. There's never one thing. If you said, what's the key? I can tell you, it's my addiction and my obsession to working on my identity. It's the thought of mine that dominates most of my thinking. That's number one. So, I'm conscious of the concept. That's huge. Just being aware of the concept will put you light years ahead of 99.9% of it. Just awareness of the power of identity. Just now you knowing about the thermostat puts you in the point 1% of all the people on the spinning earth right now. And then the next thing I'm really focused on is always adding people to my life in the areas that matter to me, that live at higher temperatures than me. The second thing is I'm constantly doing things in short bursts of time to change the water line. I'm also super obsessed with dropping what's no longer needed. There were certain things I needed to think and do and say, or people I needed to be around, emotions I needed to have that got me to the place I'm currently at. I have valuating all the time. What is no longer needed? What emotion? What anxiety? What thought? What belief? What person? What behavior is no longer needed in my life? And then lastly, I never tell the old story. I don't like telling the old story. I'm constantly trying to write the new script, become the new character in my life, and it could just be the new emotions, it could be the new beliefs I have, it could be the new story, the new place I'm moving, but I'm constantly retelling a new story all the time. I'm constantly obsessed with writing the next chapter of my life, not reading the previous ones. The happiest and most fulfilled people don't read the past chapters of their life, whether they're good or bad. They are writing new ones all the time. These are the keys of changing the internal thermostat of our lives and ultimately are the keys of changing the external circumstances of our lives. Today, we're gonna talk about how to build unlimited self confidence. And the reason that I'm covering this topic today is probably more than any other topic. I've been getting asked lately about the struggles people are going through with self doubt, not believing in themselves, negative thoughts about themselves. And I believe the solution to self doubt is to build something bigger than that doubt, which is to build our self confidence. And one thing to know about the fact that you doubt yourself is one, I struggle with it as well. One of the reasons I've had to go learn to build all these tools for myself is because in my life, my baseball career, my academic career, my business career, my speaking career, I've been riddled with self doubt that creeps up all the time in our lives. Am I enough? Am I good enough? Do I deserve this? Is this something that's part of my destiny? Should I be doing this? And if you're a religious person, I believe the adversary if you believe in the adversary, I believe the adversary's greatest tool that he could use against you to get you to lose in your life is to get you discouraged and doubting. These are two of the most chaotic things that the adversary can do to us or that we do to ourselves in our own minds is to get ourselves doubting, to get ourselves discouraged because you can't win when you doubt, and you can't win when you're discouraged. What I found out, though, about self doubt is that you don't overcome it. You build something bigger than it, which means you build your self confidence, and the greater and greater your self confidence get, it minimizes the impact self doubt has on us. Now why is that so important? It's important because you have to understand one thing about the doubts and the negative thoughts you have about yourself. As hard as this is to accept, these are not your thoughts. You weren't born doubting. You weren't born discouraged. You weren't born thinking negative things about yourself. Those were thoughts that were placed in you and given to you by an external source at some time in your life. It could even be our parents. Don't do that. Be quiet. Sit down. Be a good boy. Be a good girl. Maybe it was criticism you received as a as a little one that you may not even remember to this day. It could have been a school teacher. It could have been ridicule at school from other children. But when you were young in your formative years, these negative thoughts about yourself were planted in you by an external source. That's so powerful to understand because these things you think you believe about yourself that have become really true to you, You don't even really believe they were not your original thoughts, but the power of belief is so incredible in our lives. It's so insidious because when we have a belief about something, even if it was given to us by somebody else, our mind goes to work on proving to us that this belief is true. A belief is almost like this table right here, just the top once we get it. And what our mind tries to do is it tries to build legs under the table to reinforce that belief. So if somebody told you you weren't enough or you weren't smart enough or pretty enough or fast enough or strong enough or you don't come from the right place or you're not in the right culture, the right race, the right religion, the right height, the right IQ as a young person or you were put down, and these beliefs were given to you, what happens is your mind tries to prove beliefs true, so it finds references. So once you think it, your mind finds an example of your life where you weren't enough, another one where you weren't enough, you weren't smart enough, you weren't pretty enough, you weren't handsome enough, You weren't strong enough. And it finds these references, and it builds like a leg and multiple legs on a table, and pretty soon, you can't move it, and it's stuck in there as a firm belief. That's why we have to guard our beliefs so preciously because our mind goes to work on finding these legs, these references, which are real experiences in our life to prove to us that that belief is true. And so although you may believe it to be true about you, these doubts and negative thoughts you have, These were not your original thoughts. That's a powerful thing to understand because you weren't born this way. You weren't born doubting. You were born perfect. You were born believing you were gonna do something great. You were born happy. You were born believing you were gonna do something special with your life. As a baby, I promise you, you had no negative self talk. You had no negative self doubt. These are external sources. So important to know because those thoughts aren't really who you are. They're somebody else's thoughts they gave you because of how they felt about themselves. And so today, we're gonna talk about how to build self confidence and how to eliminate self doubt. So how do we build this self confidence? The process of building self confidence is actually very easy, believe it or not. Self confidence is self trust. Self confidence is building a reputation with yourself that you keep your word to you, that you keep the promises you make to you. When I meet somebody who has a ton of self confidence, I don't look at that as somebody with a big ego. There's a difference. Somebody with self confidence has a reputation with themselves that I do the things I say I'm going to do. That's where self confidence comes from. When I meet someone who's not self confident, I know this is someone who has consistently made promises to themselves they've not kept. They've started a diet and done it for a while, but not kept it. They've made a commitment and goals to go make a certain amount of money in business, and they started down the road, but then they didn't deliver on it long term, to get up at a certain time of the morning, and then they don't do it. And so they have a process and a habit in their life more often than not of not keeping the promises they don't make to other people. They don't keep the promises they make to themselves. And so the cool thing is self confidence is an internal game. You do not need external accolades, external admiration in order to build self confidence. You don't need any of those external forces. It's all done internally. You control this, and you control this by beginning today to keep the promises you make to yourself. And you have to stack the deck in your favor. Stack the game so you win. It's not good enough just to keep the promises you make to yourself. You must acknowledge it when you do it to you to give yourself credit to create confidence momentum is what I call it. So whether that's setting the deck where you're gonna get up a little bit earlier, you're gonna make a certain amount of phone calls, you visit a certain amount of appointments, you're gonna eat a certain amount of calories in your fitness, you're gonna spend a certain amount of time with your children or your parents, and you begin to do these things you say you're going to do. You say simple things like, I'm gonna lay out my clothes the night before I go to bed every night, before I go to sleep, so when I wake up, that decision's made for me. And believe it or not, the fact that you just do something that simple that you then deliver on begins to build confidence. You say, I'm gonna stretch in the morning when I get up, and you do it all of a sudden. I'm not gonna check my phone for thirty minutes. All these habits I teach. When you just begin to do the things you tell yourself you're going to do, you begin to build self confidence, which is this reputation with yourself. So ask yourself a question right now. What is one thing right now, one promise I can make to myself that I'm going to begin to keep starting this minute and begin to do it. It could be, how often I'm gonna pick up a book and read it. But you begin to stack things you commit to do, and then you deliver on them and you acknowledge them to yourself. You're in the process of building self confidence. Why is that so important? Of all the athletes I coach, when my athletes are performing at their peak level, they're at their highest self confidence level. In fact, I love when I watch some of the athletes I coach get interviewed, and they kinda do this aw shucks, humble routine in their pro skate interviews. Yeah. You know, just part of the team. You know? I got a lot. I could've done a lot better today. But inside, I know these people are incredibly self confident people. Any of you athletes listening to this, you know this. The great athletes you know have incredible amounts of self confidence. You have to believe in you when it's a battle, when you're a hitter against a pitcher, or when you're a quarterback against a defense, or you're a defenseman in the NHL against their best offensive player, or you're a golfer and you have to make a nine foot putt to win a tournament. Right? You better have self confidence. In fact, the separator, more often than not, at the highest level in sports, is not they're a better shooter or a better putter or throw the ball a little bit faster because everybody throws hard in the major leagues nowadays, it seems. Right? That separators their self confidence. It's true in being a parent. It's true in being a business person. It's true in every area of life. The separator at the top levels is self confidence. So now you have that first thing that you're gonna commit to that you're gonna deliver on. Now what I would ask you to do that now that you've done that is if you really wanna build self confidence, can you begin to extend that list of five, eight, and 10 things that you are going to begin to do that you commit to you that you're gonna do every single day to begin to stack that self confidence? That's gonna change it. Now let's go back to the self doubt for a second. Self doubt is the inverse of that. I don't trust me. I don't think I'm good enough. These are thoughts placed from the outside inside your mind. The minute you acknowledge that, that's not my thought. That's someone else's. That's not. You begin to eliminate. I call it like scratching the CD. When I begin to have negative self talk, negative thoughts, I literally picture and I'm old, by the way, but I picture an old record player or a DVD, and I just scratch it. I scratch it. That thought gets scratched. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not good looking enough. I'm I'm not fast enough, strong enough. I'm not prepared enough. I once they enter, that's not my thought. That's something someone gave me when I was a kid, and I scratch it. And I literally say to myself, scratch it. Scratch it. Scratch it. And over time, it's like a it's like a DVD or a CD or a record player. Over time, that thought can't be played again in your recorder when you scratch it enough times. So I literally picture scratching and I say scratch it. I experience self doubt. I experience negative thoughts, and I scratch them. I scratch them. I scratch them. And over time, it almost becomes funny. It's that thought's impact on me starts to be minimized over time every time I scratch it. I picture scratching it like a DVD or a record or a CD, and I say it to myself. Scratch it. Scratch it. Scratch it. And then what it does is it acknowledges the thought. It loses its power over me. The first time, it still got some impact on me. The second time, it might, but the fourth, fifth, seventh time, all of a sudden, that thought just doesn't have the impact on me anymore because I acknowledge it's not mine. I've scratched it. And over time, my mind just doesn't wanna play that song anymore, doesn't wanna play that movie anymore. And so that's how I begin to eliminate those thoughts in my mind. I build up my self confidence, and I scratch my self doubt. There's also this misconception from people that you are certain things, meaning some people have this misconception that I am what I possess. In other words, I am my possessions, and so they link their self confidence to their possessions. And so they're constantly trying to acquire more and more possessions thinking that's where they get their self confidence from. That's how they're defined as a person. I am my possessions. Couldn't be further from the truth. It's a hollow way to try to gain self confidence by possessing things. Nothing wrong with going for material possessions. I have all kinds of them, but I don't link my confidence to those possessions, nor am I deluded into thinking if I could just possess more things, then I'll feel better about myself. So this is a mistake. There's a flawed thought. Number one flawed thought, I am my possessions. Second flawed thought, I am my accomplishments. In other words, my self confidence is only linked to what I'll accomplish. So because I haven't accomplished certain things, I know that certain title, that certain award, that certain recognition, I I don't believe in myself. I'm riddled with self doubt. I'm defined by my accomplishments. The difficult thing about that is now all your life, you're gonna have to accomplish more and more and more in order to feel self confident and eliminate self doubt. You are not your accomplishments. You are not your possessions. You are you. You are perfect. You are beautiful. You were born to do something great with your life. If you're a person of faith like me, you believe God made you in his image and likeness and wants you to do something great with your life, not that you are your possessions, not that you are your accomplishments, and this is the the social media insidious influence it has in our lives. People like, I don't feel good about myself. I've got this self doubt. The gateway to me feeling more self confidence is if I could possess more things or if I could accomplish more things. Yes. Having nice things will make you feel better about yourself. Yes. Accomplishing things certainly is a reinforcement for self confidence, but it's not the pathway to getting it. The pathway to getting it is doing something great with your life where you keep the promises you make to yourself and acknowledge this self doubt, this self thought, this negative talk isn't even mine. It was given to me when it was impossible for me to defend myself as a child. And maybe it even happened in adolescence, and probably some of those instances have happened for you as an adult. And these ones as an adult are like that thing I said earlier. Oh, it's another time I reinforced the table. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not prepared enough. I'm not the right race. I'm not the right gender. I don't come from the right kind of family. I don't have the right education. And we find these references as adults to reinforce these self doubting beliefs we were given by somebody else as a child. Flawed belief is that you are your possessions, you are your accomplishments. Third flawed belief, I am what other people say I am. Wrong. You are not what other people say you are, good or bad. I see too many people that if someone says something negative about them, they believe that's who they are. This is the flawed third belief. I am my possessions. I am my accomplishments. And, you know what? Or I am what other people say I am. Let me be clear with you. You are not what other people tell you you are. They it wasn't true when you were 18 old, five years old, or 55 years old. You are not what other people say you are. So stop letting that dictate your self confidence or fill you with self doubt. And for the record, you are also not the good things people tell you you are all the time. Don't live for likes. Don't live for comments on your social media. Don't don't do things in your life just to solicit someone saying something great about you. It's a cheap, shallow, hollow way to try to gain self esteem and self confidence. It's fleeting, it's short term, and it's needy. In fact, the fact that it's a necessity for you to get liked, to get people to say good things, to get comments on your social media, or to do so in your presence indicates a lack of self esteem and self confidence because we know self confidence is an internal game where we keep the promises we make to ourselves. The fourth type of flawed thinking is I am what I look like. In other words, if I don't look a certain way, like what the magazine says I should or social media says I should, if I don't look like these people, I shouldn't have self confidence, and that's ridiculous. I can tell you straightforwardly, you're beautiful as you are, especially the ladies listening to this or watching this. The world is constantly trying to get you to believe you're not enough. You don't look right. You should lose this weight. You should gain this. This should be smaller. That should be bigger. Whatever it might be, they're constantly messaging women, you're not enough. You're not enough. You're not enough. You are what you look like, and this is true for men as well. Let me tell you straightforwardly, you are not what you look like. You are your soul. You are your spirit. You are your gifts. You are the contributions you make. You are your intentions. You are perfect as you are. That doesn't mean we don't wanna look better. It doesn't mean we don't wanna get into shape. We wanna do that to feel better about ourselves, not for the accolades from other people. We wanna do that to feel healthier and stronger and be the ultimate version of ourselves. But by no means does that mean you're not perfect as you are. By no means does it mean you are defined by what you look like. You are not defined by what you look like. You are defined by the content of your character, the way you treat other people, and the difference you make in the world. So the four flawed thoughts that I see most right now is I am my possessions. No. You're not. I am my accomplishments. No. You're not. I am what other people tell me I am and say I am, good or bad. No. You are not. And fourth, you are not what you look like. These are flawed beliefs that lead right to self doubt and away from self confidence. So the things we need to do to change our self confidence is, a, keep the promises we make to ourself, and, b, very important, we must begin to give ourselves credit for those things when we deliver on them. I want you to remember this as well. There's a power to the way we use the two b's, our brain and our body. See, self confidence can also be a state, a physical state. It's very difficult when you're moving your body, sitting up straight, breathing deeply. Right? You're in that physical strong state of being. Right? Right after a workout, during a workout is when we feel our most confident because our body's at a peak state. One way to generate self confidence is to move your body into a strong state of being. Move your body. Literally, movement creates confidence. If you think about some of the peak times of your life, whether that be the fun time you may be having with your partner physically, intimately, or laughter, or peak performance running, right, or your great accomplishments. Yes. There's a commonality of the way our body is moving at that time. If you think about the times when you're the least confident, usually when you wake up in the morning, isn't it? It's the most down, the most fearful, the most anxiety, or before you go to bed at night. These are two times most people experience the most amount of self doubt is right before bed and right when they wake up. Isn't that interesting? One of the reasons is because of how we're moving. We're laying down. We're hunched over. Our breathing is shallow. There's no physical movement whatsoever. This creates a state of self doubt right before we sleep, right when we wake up. Or if you're just kinda depressed or sick, self doubt starts to kick in, doesn't it? Right? If you ever had an injury and you couldn't move like you'd like to, that stagnation of the body begins to create self doubt and strips us of our self confidence. So moving our body is a gateway to self confidence, and then our brain as well. We have to take control of our thoughts. We have to scratch the negative ones when they come in and replace them with great ones. Now I don't believe self talk works all the time, but I believe saying, I am strong. I am good. I intend. I'm a good man. My intentions are pure. I'm a good person. I make a difference in the world. I'm kind. I'm gentle. I'm generous. I'm strong. I'm faithful. Beginning to repeat these thoughts to myself, and these words do generate self confidence. I keep the promises I make to myself. I'm a man of my word. Begin to talk to yourself and think these thoughts. When you combine your brain and your body, you scratch the self doubt. You lose those four stupid beliefs. I am my accomplishments. I am my possessions. I am what other people say I am or I am what I look like. These are completely flawed beliefs. We scratch those. We scratch them. We understand the process of stacking self confidence in our life. We know we are the content of our character. And lastly, give yourself some credit. Will you please? And I'm gonna tell you where to give yourself credit, and that is in the area of your intentions. A lot of my confidence comes from the fact that I keep the promises I make to myself. I know my self doubt are thoughts that were given to me when I couldn't even defend myself as a young little boy. I know that I'm not my accomplishments. I know I'm not my possessions. I know I'm not what I look like, and I know I'm not what other people say I am. I understand the process of building self confidence. I scratch the negative thoughts in my life. But I can tell you this. The last place I get my confidence from is my faith and my intentions. See, I know I intend to do good. Not enough of you are giving yourself credit for your inherent goodness, and I mean this. You're special in that regard. You're perfect in that regard. Just ask yourself, what are your intentions? As an individual, as a man or a woman, do you intend to do good in the world? Do you intend to wanna help people? Do you intend to be a light in people's lives? Do you intend to make a difference? Do you want to live a good life where you've helped change the world and change other people's lives? Do you ever just ask yourself that? Do you? Because if the answer to that is, you know, I don't spend enough time thinking about how good my intentions are. I don't wanna hurt people. I don't wanna do bad things. I don't wanna take advantage of others. I really intend to do good. You know what? You need to give yourself more credit for the power of your intentions. There's a power in life of giving ourself credit just for the intentions we have. Just ask yourself that. There's two types of people in life. There's the people who intend to do harm, to take advantage of people, to cheat, to cut corners, to cause hurt to others for what they think will be their own gain. Then there's people who wanna be a light. They wanna make a difference. They wanna help. They wanna contribute. They wanna be somebody. They wanna honor their god. They wanna make a difference in the world, and their intentions are good. Too often in life, people with great intentions don't give themselves credit for how beautiful and wonderful those intentions are. And so today, just take this inventory of all the things that are wonderful about your intentions, and then just take an inventory of your faith. As a person of faith, I know that I'm favored. I know that God wants me to do good in the world. I know that I was made in his image and likeness. There's a power to that. There's a comfort to that. There's a confidence that comes from that, kind of a swagger. See, people aren't smirking at me anymore. I'm smirking at them. See, I know I'm not what I look like. I know I'm not my possessions. I know I'm not my accomplishments. I'm not what other people say I am. I understand the keys of keeping the promises I make to myself. I understand scratching those limiting beliefs. I know I intend to do good. I don't always do good. I make mistakes all the time. I'm not a deity. I'm not a god. I'm a man, but I intend to do good. And my guess is so do you. Start to give yourself a little credit just for your intentions. Know you're perfect as you are, and then begin to take these massive action steps. The final piece of the puzzle is this, is that you have to believe you deserve to win. And sometimes, it's not just that we think we're good, but that we've done so much we must be worthy of winning. See, there's this adage in life. Good people in life won't take more from the table of life than they think they're worthy of and they deserve. See, in business sometimes, short term, we've all seen this. Someone with bad intentions can get ahead short term, but you always reap what you sow. Karma is always a real thing, and eventually, the people that take shortcuts, that cheat, that hurt other people, that have ill intent, The world, the universe, God sort of finds a way eventually to get them where they're supposed to be. But good people will never take more than they think they're worth, which is why the mandatory requirement for good people to win is they believe they deserve it. They believe they're worth winning. And sometimes it's not just who we are that we need to believe in, but what we've done in this sense. That sometimes you've got to outwork everybody, and and you've got to be willing to do the things nobody else is willing to do so you begin to convince yourself, man, I'm doing all the things everybody else is unwilling to do, so I deserve to get the results other people aren't going to get. I'm doing the things other people aren't willing to do. I'm paying a price that's so much greater than other people that I'm worth it, that I deserve to get results they don't deserve to get because I've been willing to do the things they've been unwilling to do. So the last piece is often self confidence can just frankly come from outworking everybody and convincing ourself, man, I've been doing the things nobody else is willing to do. I deserve to get the results nobody else deserves to get, and that's a shift in building self confidence. But let's just talk about you and finishing today. Wouldn't the ultimate version of you not brag, not boast, not tell stories about the past, not worry about what other people thought about you? Right? Take criticism very well. All the things that we've discussed today, the ultimate version of you would have none of those things, wouldn't he or she, and that would be the removal of your ego. I believe the way we remove our ego is we love ourselves, and we believe in ourselves. And that way, we know ourselves. And so what I wanna challenge you to do today is just to start to give yourself a little bit more credit. And just know when you see these symptoms arising in your life, these are indications your ego's out of control. And check yourself when it happens. If you have people in your life who embody these symptoms, it's often easy to see the ego things that really repel us in our life. But the fact of the matter is for me, every single time in my life when my ego gets the better of me, I have a setback. So listen to me. It's very dangerous to lead with your ego because I'm telling you you're getting ready for a setback in your life. Where do my setbacks come from in my life? I'm gonna tell you where I have setbacks. People ask me, how do I get out of my slump? How do I break the habit that I'm in? And I'm gonna tell you what it is for me because it's connected to ego. For me, I started to think I had it so figured out when things were going good that I stopped working on myself. I stopped reading the books. I stopped listening to the podcast. I stopped improving myself. And when you do that stuff, the poor result doesn't show up as you're doing it. The poor result shows up ninety to a hundred and twenty days later. So that's the problem. The failure or the setback is delayed by, like, ninety to a hundred and twenty days in everything we do. So in business, if you're really successful right now and you got to a certain point, but you stopped the very activities that got you there, You don't fail the next day. Ninety to a hundred and twenty days from now, you pay the price in your life, don't you? You didn't do the work you were supposed to do. And so three, four months later, all of a sudden, business is down again. So the negative result always trails the negative behavior by about three to four months. For me, my happiness level or my confidence level, I always I got it going and then I stopped reading books. I stopped listening to the right stuff. I stopped the right associations. It didn't happen immediately, but ninety to a hundred and twenty days later, now my ego's out of control again. And so where my ego rears its head for me is I begin to think I got it figured out. I think I got it going. I believe my own press clippings, and I stop doing the things that are gonna get me to the next level. And three to four months later, I go, man, I'm in a slump. Man, there's a setback right now. What the heck happened? What happened, dummy Ed Mylett, is ninety to a hundred and twenty days ago, you stopped doing the things required to win. And so the truth is where you are right now, I love you brother or sister. I want you to win. I opened up today by telling you you're supposed to do something great with your life. But in order for that to happen, you have to do the great things now because the positive results will trail by six months to a year. So negatives come get us ninety to a hundred and twenty days, but positives don't end up showing up sometimes for six months to a year or longer. It's kinda like when you first start to eat well, you might get a little bit improvement then it levels off and you're like, man, I'm eating well. I'm working out. Why isn't my body changing? Because the positive result is six months to a year away. That's why. But if you stop eating well, if you stop working out, you're 60 90, a hundred and twenty days, your body's bad again. Same with our lives. If we're doing something great with our life, it's gonna take us six months to a year to see the positive result. And so don't let your ego get in the way of saying, man, I'm doing all this stuff and it's not working. There's a delayed gratification coming. The same time, if you are winning right now, don't stop doing the things that got you where you are because you're only ninety to a hundred and twenty days away from a setback. This is how the ego gets us. And so I want to remind you in conclusion, you're supposed to do something great with your life. You're supposed to contribute. You're supposed to win, but that starts with today loving yourself, which is believing in yourself. Okay? You can't be yourself if you don't love yourself, and you can't love yourself if you don't believe in yourself. And so today, start to love yourself again. I'm not talking about self love. That's not what I'm talking about. You know, some thought, I love me. I love me. You know, Stuart Smalley. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. Gosh darn it. People like me. That's gonna get you nowhere. Do things that are in congruence with who you really are. Do things that are the removal of your ego. You know what says you have no ego? You're willing to do the work every single day on yourself and in your business even though there's no result. That shows no ego. Ego is, why would I keep doing it? There's no result. Or ego is, I gotta go and I don't need to do it anymore. You wanna know you don't have an ego? You wanna know you got your act together? You're doing the work right now to show how much you love yourself, how much you believe in yourself, knowing the delayed gratification is coming six months to a year or maybe longer from now. I'm here to challenge you to start living like you love yourself, living like you believe in yourself because you can't love yourself if you're not being yourself. And the real self, the real you takes all the steps to care for you, all the steps to improve you, all the steps to grow you. So you know you love you, you know you believe in you when you begin treating you like that. And treating you like that means you don't gossip about other people. You're not addicted to what other people think about you. Right? You're not some victim. You know better than that. You're not someone who needs everybody else's permission to win. You're not waiting around for results and not doing the work. You don't stop doing the things that help you win. So today, start doing the things that improve you confidence wise, listening to people like me, following me on social media, listening to the right podcast, reading the right books in your business, doing the things you know you're supposed to do. Let me tell you what I know about you and your business. You're not confused about what you need to do. If you're a school teacher or you're an entrepreneur, if you're a mom or a dad, if you're a pastor, if you're a young person who's studying and wants to get into college, you're not confused by what you need to do. There's no confusion on what you need to do. There's only the decision of whether you're willing to do it and to do it consistently and to do it even when the results don't show up. Even when the results aren't there, are you willing to do it? And if you are making progress, you are getting good grades, you are leading your church, you are moving your business forward, you are flourishing at work, do you have enough lack of ego to continue to do the work required to get to the next level? That's the separator. What is your takeaway from you had a near death experience. You had a heart attack. You've had a heart transplant from a child who you were kind to as a young man. You've left Panama where, basically, you you had this huge dream to play in the major leagues. You couldn't even watch it on television. You had to listen to it on the radio, then you're in these stadiums. What do you what have you what is there's you've had this experience. It's just it's you have to read one tough out, and I'm not promoting a book. It's just this is not fiction. If this was a movie, people go, this is like a Disney movie. Forget it. There's no way this is true. It's corny, except it's actually true and I'm actually sitting here with you right now. And you know, it's, when I was a a kid growing up, every time that I took the field to play baseball, it was like I was better than everybody else. God had given me this talent Mhmm. And say, here, this is your gift for me. Work at it and continue to better yourself. And, I did. You did. I took extra batting practice every day of my nineteen years in baseball. Extra everyday? Everyday. And also, the day that I retired, I took extra batting practice. The day you retired, you took extra batting. You did one more. One more. Because I was given this gift and I didn't want to just say, okay, you know, it's all over and done with, but I still had that energy inside of me that I wanted to do more. That's incredible. You know? And I'm writing a book right now called The Power of One More. And so the fact that you say this, it's something I learned from you. Yeah. Is that you don't remember this, but we'd be hitting. And even if I hit a good last one, you always go, let's do one more, and we'd hit one more. And I have taken that since I was a little boy into in business, I'm gonna make one more phone call. If I'm running on the treadmill at the gym, it's thirty minutes. I go, let's do one more minute. Right. And the fact that you're now telling me that you retired and you took one more round of extra batting practice. Yes. Yeah. I was never satisfied. Mhmm. I I knew the gift that I had Mhmm. And I knew that I probably could have just gone through life and and been a mediocre hitter. Mhmm. But I wanted to be the best. You wanted to be great. Yes. I wanted to be in the class of Willie Mays and Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson and all these guys. But you and you are. You know, it's interesting to me that people that are listening or watching this right now, they've been given a gift of some type as well. They may not be aware of what it is yet. When it's an athletic gift and it's baseball and there's millions of people, it's kind of obvious. Hey. I've got this gift. I'm gonna become the best. But there's little gifts. There's an opportunity. There's a new position at your job. There's a chance to improve your financial. There's someone you could meet, and it's that treating it as precious and doing the extra. Because I'll bet you played with we won't name who they are, but you played with other guys who had a gift similar to yours Oh, yeah. And they didn't take the extra batting practice. They didn't work in the off season. And I used to tell this one player in in particular, you are going to be out of this game by age 32. I says, God has given you everything. You can throw the ball as well as anybody. You can hit, you can run, you can field, but you're not using it. He says, well, you know, it's it's okay. I says, no. It's not okay. Mhmm. You've got the talent. Strive to be greater than some of these other guys that don't care. Yeah. You know? But he was out of the game at age 32. He really was. He really was. And and you have this, like, unbelievable career. How many how many you have seven batting titles. Right. So, guys, in fact, correct me if I'm wrong, the batting title in the American League is now the Rod Carew Award. They've literally named the batting title every year after this man sitting here. Am I right about that? That kinda means you were pretty good. Yeah. And and my buddy, Tony Gwynne Yeah. Who they named it after in the National League. Who's a lot like you. Left hander, didn't hit for a lot of power, had to grind, had to work hard, incredible student of hitting. And and we worked the same we worked the same way every single day. We were working on something, you know, because so many young players can look at videos. Mhmm. And they wanna pick everything or pick themselves apart. Mhmm. You know, instead of looking for one thing that, okay, I'm I'm gonna look for this so that I can go out and spend some time working on it and getting comfortable with it and making the adjustment to to make myself better. Would you always be learning even late in your career? You've already hit three eighty eight one year. You've led the league in hitting all these times. Were you still trying to find those little inches to improve upon all the time? Every time I I went out, it was to improve myself. I'll tell you a story about, Nolan Ryan and I Okay. Had this thing between us. Okay. I'm number fourth on his strikeout list. I've got he struck me out 29 times. Okay. But I ended up hitting 300 off of him because when I first came up to the league, I used to hold my hands up high. You did? Yeah. You didn't have the flat bat the only way? No. I Okay. My hands were up high. K. And so that's why Nolan struck me out so many times because I tried to hit that high fastball and there was no catching up. Right? He's bringing it easy. Oh. And so I decided that I've gotta make an adjustment. So for about three weeks, I took batting practice, extra batting practice sitting on a stool that swiveled. Okay. And that kept me down. That's why I developed that Come on. Unorthodox. Wait. You're telling me your whole hitting style that you're known for was born out of an adjustment to be able to hit against someone like Nolan Ryan or actually Nolan Ryan. Yes. And so Wow. You know, I take extra BP and then I stay down. I couldn't come up. Mhmm. And, I did it for about three weeks. And then the first time I faced Noly, I got two hits. And then the next time I faced him, I got three hits. Mhmm. And I remember this one game, he threw me a change up and I bunted it down the third third baseline Yeah. For for a base hit. And he came over towards first base and he's rubbing the ball. Good. He says he's supposed to hit swing at that pitch, not bun it. I says, I got a hit, didn't I? So people that don't know, Nolan Ryan is one of the all time great intimidators, no hit machine, threw hard unbelievable by the way how many guys throw hard nowadays. Yes. The amount of velocity now, guys coming out of the pen throwing 99, a 100 miles an hour. It's unbelievable when you guys throw hard. But the difference is they don't do it consistently. They don't throw strikes consistently. They're not pitching today. They're just throwing. Throwing. Yeah. You know? And, anyway, to go on with with the Nolan story, we were playing this game in Minnesota and he was pitching. First time up, I get a base hit. Second time, I go up to the plate and he's yelling at me from the mound, stand up. Stand up. And I say, no. Bring it down. You know? And that's how I developed that unorthodox style of pain. That's amazing to me. Because I had to make an adjustment. Wow. You know? And I made the adjustment and greater things started happening for me. It's amazing to me how critical that point is in every area of our life is just making adjustments. Like, for me, even in my speaking, when I was a young man, I'd speak on stage. There's a certain style of, you know, bravado and intensity and over time I thought I'd mainly the people I would reach were young, intense males. And then I started to think I'd like to reach a broader audience of people that with my message. I had to make an adjustment in the way I communicate. Now my audience is actually more women than it is men, and I attribute that to the adjustments in business. It's constantly Mike Tyson has that great saying where he says everybody's got a plan until they get punched in the face. You have to make adjustments in life and business. If you're listening to this, maybe there's adjustments that you need to be making that you're not aware of, that you're not thinking about, that you're not thinking about in advance.

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## The Real Reason You Don’t Trust Yourself Yet! Feat. Dr. Shadé Zahrai [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdqoLZucVSg
- **Published:** 2 weeks ago

The ultimate antidote to self doubt is actually faith. We're driven by a lot of overthinking. There's this low level anxiety feeling like I haven't done enough. I need to do more. Is everyone else okay? Am I doing enough in my business? Am I doing enough in my family? And it's this constant incessant feeling of I'm not enough yet. That is a massively true point. It's a really, like, cheap way to feel good. It's like it's like candy or sugar high, and it's very dangerous when you live on compliments or affirmation or even achievement and accolades for your validation. So late nineteen seventies, a psychology professor from Dartmouth, Robert Cleck, conducted this fascinating experiment where he brought people together, and he split them up into groups. Obsession with outcome is, in our experience, almost always related to a lack of outcome is, in our experience, almost always related to a lack of acceptance because you have almost subconsciously attached your sense of worth to whatever happens there. There you go. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So I have to tell you something. First off, the topic today, we're gonna talk about self doubt, self confidence, sprinkle in a little worry just so we have the full package for you today. But and I think it's probably the most important topic we can cover on the show. However, I'm careful to cover it on the show because it's work I do that you know that I work on with all of you. And so if I'm gonna have a guest on, I want it to be somebody who I think brings something to the table on the topic that I've either never heard before or is next level. And in this woman's case, she checks both of those boxes. We're gonna have an extraordinary conversation about you and how your mind works and doubt today. She's a behavioral researcher, which sounds very fancy, but she's also a world renowned author. She's got about 300,000,000 views online between her TED Talk and LinkedIn different stuff. And I read this book. I read it in a day because I could not put it down. The book is called Big Trust, and I've always wanted to say this too. I get to introduce a Sade on my show. So Sade Zorai, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me, Ed. Thank you for coming so far. Tell them how far you got came to get here today. Well, I live on Ko Samui Island Mhmm. Which is an island off the East Coast Of Thailand, and we love a little island. And you also live on an island. We do. So we have that in common. We do. We have a lot in common. We do. Because, actually, off camera, I was shocked by how much. You, your work's good. Thank you. It's really good, and it's made me rethink some of the things I teach. It's it's that good. Let's start out first of all, let's just take self doubt and self confidence. When I say those two words to you, like, what do they mean? Because to different people, they can mean different things. What's self doubt mean when I say that to you? So self doubt is when you fundamentally question one of four things. When we look at the research, you question your worthiness, your capability, your sense of control in a situation, or your ability to handle the emotions associated with something. A lot of people, when you ask them what is self doubt, they think it's one big blob of worry, anxiety, fear, insecurity. And the problem with that is if we think it's just one thing, then we assume that there must be one solution. So people spend their entire lives looking for this one golden ticket that's going to eliminate their self doubt, and they get frustrated and they get disappointed when they Positive affirmations alone don't really work. There is an entire system that we need to understand about what drives us, and what drives our doubt. And until we understand that, and what is driving it, we're not going to be able to find the right approach to actually help us rise above it. Is self confidence the antithesis of self doubt, or is it different? When I ask a lot of people, like, if I were to go on the street and ask a 100 people, what do you think the opposite self doubt is? 95% of them, or 95 of them, would say confidence. Mhmm. And it's because we live in a society where we believe confidence is the opposite of self doubt. So we must wait to feel confident before we take the step. Right. And this is why we speak to so many people who are waiting to feel ready, to feel that sense of, yes, I can do this. And then they're just waiting and waiting and waiting. And I'm sure, Ed, you know a lot of people like this too. Anyone listening and watching probably is identifying, hey, that's me. Mhmm. And the reason why this is a problem is because that feeling of confidence, when we really kind of interrogate what it is, it's associated with a feeling of certainty. Yeah. Yes, I can do this. And that feeling only comes once you've done something to prove to yourself, yes, I did this. Right. You get a proof point, you get evidence, you build what's called self efficacy, and then that is what creates that feeling of confidence. And then you feel motivated to keep going. Mhmm. So if that feeling everyone is waiting for comes after you do the thing, what needs to come first? We know, okay, action's important, but there's something before action and it's not confidence, it is self trust. There you go. The beauty of trusting yourself, which means you don't need to know how to do it fully. You don't need to know if it's going to work out. You don't need to know anything about it other than, hey, I trust myself, my worthiness, my capability, my control, my ability to handle the emotions associated with it. And even if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to internalize that. I will learn. I will grow. I will try again. It's really good. This is what I meant when you've made me challenge some of my work, just so you know. I used to say, actually, up until about three weeks ago till I started becoming familiar with you, that self confidence is self trust. I actually used to physically, verbally, literally say that. And then you made me think about it. And you're right, and I was wrong. There is a distinction there. And then I'm like, okay. Because now everything is self confidence is predicated on taking an action. But if we perceive that as doubt, then you never take the action, then you never get to the self the self confidence. So what you say in the book, because this isn't a book that just points out the problem. Those books frustrate me. Like, they point out something that after you hear it, oh, that's obvious. Self trust and self confidence is different. Okay. Point well taken. Then what? Yeah. Now what do I do? But in the book, you tell us what to do. Let's start out with just some foundational stuff first, which are these attributes because I think it helps you be really self aware once you start hearing what they are. So why don't you share those with us? Absolutely. Okay. So when we look at self trust, the next question is, well, what is that? Yes. What do I actually do to develop self trust? And when we look at over fifty years worth of research, we find that there are actually four personality traits that combine to basically create how we see ourselves. Mhmm. And then that creates whether we have self doubt or self trust. When these four traits are strong and healthy and positive, it acts like a barrier, a protective force against self doubt. So Ed, let me start, and everyone listening, I wanna start with an analogy. Imagine I have two glasses of water right here, and they're full to the brim with water. Now I also have a ping pong ball and a golf ball. So So I take the ping pong ball, it's very light, and I place it on one of the glasses. What happens to that ping pong ball? It floats. It floats. What happens to the water? Nothing. Nothing. What about if I take the golf ball and I place it on the other glass of water, and I drop it in? What happens? And what happens to the water? Overflows. Overflows. Yep. This is how we need to be thinking of self doubt. We need to see it as the ping pong ball. It floats above us. We're aware that it's there, but we do not internalize it. It doesn't become something that defines who we are. Whereas for most of us, self doubt is like that golf ball. It sinks to the bottom of who we are. We believe it is a part of us. We internalize it. And then not only that, we lose part of ourselves through the process. That water has just fallen out of the cup. Very good. And what's even more interesting is even if you then remove that golf ball from that cup, the water doesn't mysteriously refill it. So what we find is when we go on this journey of rediscovering self trust, sometimes it can be painful because you also have to go on a process of trusting your instincts and your decisions and asking yourself, what do I really want? Because for so long, we have outsourced our worth and our decisions to other people to meet their expectations and to make everyone else happy that we no longer know what it is that we want and what our purpose is. So I love this analogy because I love it. Yeah. It's really good. Visual. Yeah. It also reminds us the goal is not to eliminate the doubt. Mhmm. It's to strengthen parts of us that can naturally be resilient to it. Because doubt can be very healthy if you know how to process it. Okay. And if you know what its function is. So then how do we strengthen these parts of ourselves, where there are these four personality traits This is really good. It's it's fascinating stuff. These four personality traits. I'm gonna briefly tell you what they are without going into much detail, because share what the problem was with them, and then I'll get into the attributes in Big Trust. Okay. The four traits, the first one is self esteem. How do you see yourself? Are you of value? The second one is self efficacy. Do you believe you can do the thing? The third one is called locus of control. Do you believe that you have some degree of personal power in your life? Or do you feel powerless because you're focusing on everything outside of your control? And the fourth, emotional stability. Can you regulate your emotions in response to life? Now what happens when you go to someone and you mention, hey, there are these four personality traits. When you mention the word personality, what do you think people usually say in response to that? Probably they were born with it. Yes. Well, I guess that's just who I am. Right. Can't do anything about it. That's just me. Yeah. And it becomes this resistance and this blocker, and they don't wanna change. Mhmm. And it's an excuse. Mhmm. So we realized, okay. We get that because the truth is when you look at a lot of research, personality is stable. Who you were as a kid is largely how you're gonna be, unless, and this is what my own research showed when I was doing a PhD, you can change your personality, but you have to choose to intervene and strengthen a particular part of it. So this then brings us to our work and these four core pieces. So we're not gonna talk about the personality piece. We're going to talk about what are the four attributes that allow you to strengthen each of those personality traits. Very good. Okay. K. So and I think it's important to understand where they come from to really appreciate just how powerful this is. Okay. So the very first one that we talk about is the attribute of acceptance. It's a trainable habit, and it relates to whether you fundamentally accept who you are. Do you accept who you are? Or when it's weak, you outsource your worth. You only accept yourself when other people accept you, which means you're constantly molding yourself to fit the group, which also means you might sacrifice your morals and values if you're around people who want you to sacrifice your morals and values. Something to watch and raising your children. Extremely. Extremely important. You become very susceptible to peer pressure, codependent on your partner. It's not a great space to be. You can also take feedback personally. You don't see it as an opportunity to grow because you don't accept yourself. You see it as attacking who you are. You also there's something very interesting that happens here. That's so interesting. There's something called the Schaden Schadenfreude cycle. It's a German word. Now, don't come at me German speakers. I think my pronunciation's off. But essentially what it is is, you know those moments when I don't know if everyone relates to this. It's only something I've noticed earlier on in my career. When I had a lot of self doubt and a lot of insecurity, if I saw someone else stumble, it made me feel a little better about myself. Mhmm. Not in terms of, oh, they've given me permission to be human too. It was more like, oh, phew. Great. I like seeing when they struggle. What an honest thing to say and true, and I relate to it. Yeah. I if I'm honest, I think every single person can relate to it. Not everyone is willing to acknowledge that though. That is a sign of a lack of self acceptance. Because your weak sense of who you are, gets a little ego boost when you see others suffer. Not I mean, that's completely the ego and the self serving nature. So this is acceptance. We need to strengthen acceptance. The second attribute is called self. It's the self efficacy trait, and we call it agency. Agency is how you strengthen that. So what does that look like? It's the inherent trust that you can do the thing. Either you know how to do it, you can rely on skills you've had before, you can learn how to do it, you can find resources to help you do it, or you can find someone else to do it for you, but you will find a way. Now when you struggle here, this is where we see imposter syndrome. People never feeling like they deserve to be where they are, because they may have all these achievements and these accomplishments, but deep down, they don't feel like they're as smart or as competent. We also see a lot of comparison. And this is not the kind of comparison where you look at people who have done amazing things and you think, wow, I wanna do that too. Yeah. This is where you look at those people and you think, I could never do that. Look at how far ahead they are. And then you start attacking all the ways you fall short from a skill perspective and an ability perspective. And then we also see people here just waiting to feel ready. They wait, they prepare, they plan, they procrastinate, they never take action because deep down they don't believe they can. Wow. So this is agency. The third one is what I find the most fascinating, because no one before this moment has recognized that this is a part of self doubt. It is a lack of self trust. So Ed, have you ever come across someone who complains constantly? Yes. They are resentful and they blame other people. Mhmm. They also might share the same story about how they were hurt in the past Mhmm. In business, in relationships. And the first three or four times you hear it, you think, gosh, wow, yes, I have empathy. This person has gone through so much. Yep. By the thirtieth or fiftieth time, suddenly you realize, okay, this person's keeping themselves stuck. Yeah. That is a sign of low autonomy. Mhmm. Low autonomy. These people feel like they have no power in their lives. They didn't have power then. They don't have power now. And so they fixate on everything they cannot control Mhmm. And complain about it because it's easier to complain about something than to do something about it Mhmm. When you don't feel like you have power. And they're using their RAS to find references for it all the time to reconfirm it, make it a deeper and deeper belief. All of this Yeah. Is being reconfirmed by the RAS, by parts of the brain. Yep. In fact, when I get to the end, I'll share two studies that demonstrate just how powerful this is. So that is a sign or a reflection of a lack of trust in your ability to have any degree of power in your life. Now we know you cannot control everything in life. Many things are out of our hands. And if we choose to focus on those things, guess how you feel? Powerless. Why? Because you literally are powerless. Right. Right. But we also have the ability to shift our attention to things that we can control. Very good. And simply doing that, what is fascinating, when we're focusing on things we can't control and we feel like we have no power, it doesn't feel great, we have all these emotions that come with it, we see increased activity in the threat detection centers of the brain. So we're more likely to notice everything that could go wrong, and then we keep ourselves stuck. Whereas when we simply shift our attention to what we can control, and this is the incredible thing about attention. When you shift your attention to what you can control actively, we see a decrease in activity in the amygdala, the fear centers, the threat detection centers, and and an increase in activity in the prefrontal regions. Mhmm. So simply by shifting your attention, you fundamentally change what you're paying attention to. And then because of what's going on in the brain and the filter system, you notice more of what you can control. So it's again Very good. Subtle nuances. Yeah. So that is our third one. That's autonomy. Now the fourth attribute, in my view, really fuels all the others. You can get this one sorted. If you can really work on developing this, life just gets easier. K. And it's essentially essentially, it's the ability to detach from your emotions when they're not serving you. And so we call it adaptability. Emotional adaptability. Can you adapt to what you feel in a given moment? And that's not to say some people ask, oh, well, does that mean I should never experience a negative emotion? And try and suppress it and push it away? Absolutely not. Emotions are data. They are signals. We need to learn to understand what is that signal telling me? Is this giving me an indication that there is some risk in the environment? Is this revealing that one of my values has been violated? That's a really important one. People generally feel anger when a value that they have has been violated. Mhmm. So interrogate the emotion, understand where it's coming from. But then if you can and when I say, excuse me, when I say detach from the emotion, it doesn't mean you become numb to it, or you ignore it. You simply allow it to pass like clouds in a sky. They're there, but you know they're temporary. And in time, you know, if you look beyond the clouds, the sun is still shining. So knowing that they're temporary, they will pass. But then working with them to see what is this telling me? How can I channel this? Yeah. So and I wanna just quickly go back. Okay. That is outstanding, by the way. Thank you. Yeah. I so can I just share? I find this so incredibly powerful because it gives people a language to understand why they experience doubt. Yes. No one's doubt is the same as someone else's, and what's super cool is actually when you look at where you fall on each of these attributes, it creates your doubt profile. Yes. And a bit like a Myers Briggs or a disc Yes. We have these different archetypes. Yeah. So why don't I share the most common archetype? Yes. I I I know what it is from the book, but let's go. Let's go. So the most common archetype is what we call the anxious overachiever. Yep. Super Super common in high performers, in entrepreneurs. Yeah. Me too. Where it's someone who and it's, you know, the other thing which is worth noting here is even people who have a very strong faith. I'm going to say that the ultimate antidote to self doubt is actually faith. I mean, we could just end it here, and like that's the book that would have just those words in it. But at the same time, we also know that we are tested in this life. And our ability to move through through those tests allows us to determine how much faith we have. And so while we're living here in this physical world, there are challenges, and we have ego, and we have that negative voice in the self criticism. So I think we need to acknowledge that upfront. Even people who have extremely strong faith still experience self doubt because we are human. Mhmm. So if you are tested and you feel like you have a lot of self doubt, that is okay. You're not broken. It's just a part of the human experience. Mhmm. And everything is a learning and an opportunity to grow and to develop those qualities within ourselves that serve us throughout our entire lives. So I want to now share that anxious overachiever archetype. Yeah. And then I'm gonna share these two studies that demonstrate just how powerful all of this is. Okay. Okay. So the anxious overachiever, which is me, and Ed, could be you. It's someone who has conditional acceptance. Mhmm. What does that mean? So we know that It's okay. Deep down, we we are inherently of value. Mhmm. Again, because we have faith. We know the reason for existence, etcetera. But at the same time, we are often in a position, especially those of us who fall here, we want everyone to be happy. Mhmm. We really want everyone to be happy, and sometimes that means we sacrifice ourselves for their happiness. We've been raised that way. We are taught to be that way. And then sometimes we forget that actually we have needs, and desires, and wants, and opinions that deserve to be heard as well. And so that conditional acceptance is really common in high performers, in entrepreneurs, in leaders. It's this conditional acceptance. If you're around people who support you and believe in you, and you're doing well from a business perspective, a life perspective, you feel great. But if you're around people who make you question your worth, if you're struggling in business, if you're experiencing a failure, you might turn inwards and become self critical. So that's what we call conditional acceptance. We are people pleasers because we enjoy it, but we sacrifice ourselves in the process. Totally get it. Very much relate. Very much relate to. It's an ongoing process for me. Then those of us in this space, the anxious overachiever, we have reasonably high agency. Yes. So we believe we can do things because we often have a track record. We've done it before, and we've done the work, and we know that if there's something new, we'll be able to figure it out. Because again, we've done the work. Our autonomy is also extremely high. Meaning, we always focus on what we can control. We're always focusing on the next step. What can happen sometimes here is that we are so focused on what we can control, that sometimes we blame ourselves for things that are outside of our control. And we personalize. And we think, I should have known better. I should have done this. I should have been across that. So then that's a sign of the low acceptance coming through. But then, in this particular archetype, and I resonate with this, we also have a shaky adaptability, unless we focus on it. What does that mean? We're driven by a lot of overthinking. There's this low level anxiety feeling like I haven't done enough. I need to do more. Is everyone else okay? Am I doing enough in my business? Am I doing enough in my family? Mhmm. And it's this constant incessant feeling of I'm not enough yet. Mhmm. I need to be more, become more of that role model for my my family, my community. I need to and again, that constant undercurrent of emotional shakiness drives a lot of the other doubt. Now a lot of us have done a lot of work to get better at adaptability, but we can still feel it, especially when the pressure's on, when there's a lot going on, when there's a lot of change, or when there is instability in our lives, when there is an unexpected health issue, a death in the family. A lot of these insecurities can come back. Very good. So this is Yeah. I find it so interesting because I'm like, wow. So do I I think I wanna say one thing about the book too. Just I wanna make my plug for you on the book. Thank you. For no other reason to get the book because you ought to go figure out what your archeotech, your profile is. It may not be the one that you just described. I think it because it'll to know thyself is to begin to heal thyself and and to and to find a solution and a cure and the recipe for you. So that in and of itself is really, really powerful. I think that probably is me, what you just described. As close as I can get to, you know, being connected with a profile or an archetype, I think it's that. Anyway, you're gonna tell us those two studies. Yes. Let's go. So the study I love to share, and it's in one of the early chapters in the book. I share it all the time because it's so memorable. It's from the seventies. Late seventies, back when they could conduct studies like this. Ethically, they wouldn't be able to do them anymore. So yay for researchers in the seventies. So late nineteen seventies, a psychology professor from Dartmouth, Robert Cleck, conducted this fascinating experiment, where he brought people together and he split them up into groups. Now with one of the groups, he drew a scar on their face from their ear to their mouth, and let them see themselves in a hand mirror so they can confirm, yes, I have a scar on my face. The other group, no scar. He then sends everybody into conversations with strangers. They have their conversations, they come back in. This is individually, by the way. They're not all doing this together. They're doing it one by one. They come back and they share about how they felt the conversation went. And the conversation, for those who had the scar, they said it was tense, their conversation partner was cold, it was uncomfortable, they felt like they were treated differently because of the scar. The other group, fine. No issues whatsoever. Enjoyed the conversations. But here is where it gets really interesting. I mean, that would be a study on discrimination and prejudice. Mhmm. But that was not the point of the study. If I rewind a little bit, before these participants with the scars went into their conversations, the researchers said, I'm going to apply some moisturizing cream to set the scar, so it doesn't crack. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. So he applies the moisturizing cream, but what he does without telling them is he removes the scar entirely. They had no scar on their face. They go into these conversations believing they have a physical disfigurement on their face, and that is what they noticed when it was completely untrue. So traumatic. I get goosebumps when I share that story. Oh my god. Because we just have to think, how many scars are we carrying in our lives into every conversation, into our marriages, with our children, in our businesses, with our clients? And how is that reinforcing the belief that we already have about ourselves even when it's not objectively true? It's expectation bias. You really got me there. Oh, I'm glad. That is that's tremendous. And by the way, the way you lay it out with the punchline there is tremendous too. Keep going. Like, I'm just I'm really I'm really into this. You can go ahead. The audience knows. I can tell. I'm so happy. Yeah. I love that story or that study because So do I. Expectation bias affects us in everything. If you expect yourself to perform well in an interview, you are more likely to perform well. If you expect yourself to be successful asking that person out at the restaurant, you're more likely to be successful. Mhmm. Because what we believe influences how we show up and what we notice, which then reinforces whatever we believe. I had this one experience once where I went out walking, and people were looking at me. And I thought, gosh, like, I must have dressed really nice today. Or maybe my hair looks good, and I was smiling back, and I felt fantastic. Which in itself, you know, there's this beautiful line that comes from the book, The Four Agreements. Great book. Oh, one of my favorites. Just talk about Sage Robbins on the show. Oh, beautiful. I love there's disconnection. Yes. So one of the agreements is take nothing personally. And that's a given. We know we shouldn't take negative things personally, but this is also the positive. Don't allow the positive words of someone else to make you feel better about yourself. Do you know why? Yeah. Because it means that you fundamentally don't accept yourself, and you're waiting for others to validate you. That is a massively true point. It's a really, like, cheap way to feel good. It's like it's like candy or sugar high, and it's very dangerous when you live on compliments or affirmation or even achievement and accolades Yes. For your validation. Yes. It's I think and I wanna just step in here because one of the things I wanted to ask you. I think that's why so many of my mega achievers that I coach one on one, and, you know, some of them have run pretty big countries and do some big stuff, are fundamentally still pretty unhappy people. I hate to say this. And even frankly, you can go look at 800 guests that have been on the show, some of the most famous successful people in the world when this camera goes off and we're putting the mics together. Hey. Can we get together at one on one? I'm just not happy. Wow. I'm just not happy. And I think because there's a lane that many get into where all of their validation is conditional. Mhmm. Conditional on their achievement, conditional on how people are speaking about them, conditional on their likes, their views, their bank account, their awards. I I think you're absolutely 1000000% right. And it's an easy lane to get in to feel good too that we can choose to get us out of the lane we're in right now. Oh, if I could just get compliments, if I'll just and this also causes children, young people to do things, to get acceptance, to belong. You know, those of you that are I just think all the time about, I want I want both my children. My son's here today as you know, but particularly with my daughter, I want for some reason, as a dad, it's the way I look at it. I don't mean this in any, you know, misogynistic way at all. I just mean I don't especially my daughter, I don't want her to think that she has to get her validation by doing something that makes her uncomfortable or looking a particular way or dressing provocatively or whatever it might be to get that hit, so to speak, of, oh, I feel good about myself today because somebody says I look great today. You know what I'm saying? It's something I really, really worry about. So I didn't mean to interrupt you on the two studies, but Please interrupt more if you have been here because we'd love to hear your perspective. Well, I will tell you one of the things. You used the word earlier. I'll jump in, and then we'll get into the other study. Do you use the word detach earlier, detach from the emotion? I wanted I this has been in the book. I'm just curious about your thoughts on this. What about detaching from outcome when you have a task? So so I'm very outcome focused, goal focused as are most people that listen to this. But years ago, Wayne Dyer became a a very dear friend of mine who's one of the, I think, the Mount Rushmore's of people in this self help personal production industry, whatever you wanna call it. And he goes, you know, Ed, one thing that you might consider doing is not being so attached to the outcome, and separating things. So it's okay to have a goal. Hey. I wanna achieve I wanna make this sale done or but in the moment of execution, if you can separate from outcome, it somehow reduces the what he would call, like, a pressure on your performance anxiety that I have to get this done. I have to get this date. She has to marry me. I have to close the sale. I have to nail this speech. I have to make this putt. I've gotta hit a home run this time when I'm up. And that obsession with outcome causes our self trust to drop. Do you agree with that? 100%. Okay. Obsession with outcome is, in our experience, almost always related to a lack of acceptance. Mhmm. Because you have almost subconsciously attached your sense of worth to whatever happens there. There you go. And if I don't get that thing, then I'm not enough. Mhmm. And again, it's not something people would often verbalize, but it's deep down it's a scar that they carry. Mhmm. And that's also what holds so many people back because they think, but if I do it and I don't get it, then I'm get getting confirmation that I'm not enough. Right. And I don't want that, and therefore I'm going to just stay safe. And something that we have in the book, which came from a lot of my work with clients, and you would have experienced this too, everyone has a critical voice. But what I also identified after doing hundreds of interviews is that it doesn't sound the same. Even in the same person, they have different facets of that voice. And so we identified four inner inner critical voices. We call them the inner deceivers. I'll tell you what they are. And if you're listening, see if you can like check along which ones you have. The first one is just the default voice of criticism. Why'd you do that? Should have done this. You're an idiot. It's just there in the background. It's a classic judge. The second one's called the misguided protector, and it tries to protect you from harm by anticipating everything that could go wrong. Yeah. And magnifying it, so that you don't take action, because then you're safe, but you're also stuck. So its function is protection Too big. But it keeps you stagnant. The third one is what we call the ring master. It's that incessant voice in our heads that pushes us to keep pushing and keep going and push harder and don't stop working, otherwise I'll make you feel guilty. I mean, productivity guilt is a real thing. And also, once you get there, then you'll feel enough. And then you get there and you don't feel enough because, oh, it'll be that one. It'll be that one. And you incessantly set these bigger and feel empty. And then the fourth one is what we call the neglector. It's the one that highlights that your desires and wants are not important. You need to satisfy everyone else first. If they're not happy with you, you are nothing. They matter more. So it forces you to neglect yourself. I just think of my mom when you say that. Oh, I think of my mom too. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. I bet people a lot of people thinking of their mom. Yeah. So the second one's just a really short one, and I think so the SCAR study is fantastic, but the second one Study is fantastic. Introduces some I love these studies. You know what I love about my work? Yeah. Is that Tell me what you love about your work. It's okay. So I'm a little bit of my own insecurity. I went to law school, and I felt deeply deeply insecure. I never felt like I belonged, and I felt like I would be found out that I was an error. And then I worked in banking and finance, and the legal industry felt the same. So I've always felt like I need to have some kind of backing to what I'm saying, some kind of evidence. Otherwise, I don't wanna say it. I've somehow found myself in a career where, thankfully, everything I say is backed by research. Yes. So it's a very comforting space, but that also reflects that I lack self acceptance. I'm allowed to have an opinion. So I'm working on that. I'm working on having opinions, especially different to other people. I agree with you, but I also do love that about your work that it's all like, hey. Well, here's a study to validate this or here's if even for me, like, I I liken my work to have proof of concept somehow. I don't think that necessarily means that I'm not allowed to have an opinion. It's just that in many cases, I I want to say, like, here's some social proof or It's an informed opinion. There you go. There you go. There we go. Very well said Yeah. As usual. Okay. So what's this setting? So the second one, it introduces the idea of some neuroscience into this. Okay. So Alia Crum was conducting she was the head researcher in conducting this study, looking at the role of expectation on outcomes. So basically, what they did is they had a group of people, they split them in two, they gave them a milkshake to drink. Now one group was told this milkshake was really calorie dense, full of calories. Like, this is like two meals worth of calories in this milkshake. The other group, same milkshake, but they were told there are like no calories in this. It's nothing. It's like water. They give these groups the milkshakes. What they found is the group with the that were told it was calorie dense, full of calories, they stayed fuller for much longer. It's bananas. The group that was told it was, like, drinking water, they became hungry really quickly after. Same drink. Same drink. And so essentially what it's doing is that expectation Yeah. Influenced ghrelin, the hormone, the hunger hormone in their brain, making them feel more hungry. It was the same thing. It should have had the same effect on their body. It's bananas. It's bananas. And there are so many studies in the realm of placebo effect. Yes. You know, like a pain killer versus a nothing, and depending on what you believe, it works or doesn't. So we need to acknowledge. It is undisputable that your beliefs influence not only what you notice, but actually what is going on in your brain. Chemically in your brain, neurochemically. Okay. So here's what we're gonna do. Okay. We're gonna go a little bit solution based now a little bit. By the way, you're welcome back on the show. I just wanna say in the middle of the interview, you should say it at the end of the show. But we I wanna have you back on. To me, this is like I'm gonna give you the sentence you said in the book, and I'm like, this is like foundational. And I'm probably saying it wrong. But I used to think people that were egomaniacs or like obsessed with themselves fit a particular profile. They were loud, boisterous, bragged all the time. You can kinda just see them. That's an ego person. They're self focused. And I thought more quiet, humble people like you and I one on one, we're both introverts. People that lack confidence to some extent naturally just there's something they struggle with in their life. Those are non ego driven people, non focus driven people. And over the last twenty years of doing my work, I found out that's actually not true. And oftentimes, people that struggle the most with their confidence or doubt or self trust, all of those three things are actually self focused too much. And so you actually have this thing in the book, self focus instead of self forget. This is huge, you guys. It's simple, but it's, like, very foundational to making this shift. Self focus or self forget. What did you mean in the book when you said that? What we find is a lot of people think if they wanna overcome their doubt Mhmm. They have to focus more on themselves Right. And their doubts and their voices in their heads and but actually the more we do that Yeah. The more we become focused on I, me, my. How are they seeing me? How am I coming across? What am I achieving? And these are voices of the ego. That kind of self serving part of us that appeals to our lower nature. Doesn't allow us to appeal to our higher nature. And so, one of the simplest things you can do to quieten the voice of self doubt is not more self focus, it's less Yes. And it's by self forgetting. What does that mean? Self forgetting simply means prioritizing the needs and desires of other people. Now not in a self sacrificing isn't it? Because it's like mom. Exactly. Then I think of mom. Yes. And it's so I want I want you to go there. And so it's and this is where we get confused. Yeah. Because the we call it the gift that allows you to tap into self acceptance is to self forget. Mhmm. Which means do something for someone else. Be of service. Be of value. Volunteer your time. Be charitable. Mhmm. Do something that gets you out of your head. I mean, we know there are studies that show if you offer an act of kindness to someone else, you get this beautiful shot of oxytocin and dopamine. It makes you feel more connected. Mhmm. Not only that, anyone who sees that also feels the same, as well as the person receiving it. You know how right you are. I've I've used to say, when you're feeling the most helpless, get the most helpful. But one application of what you're teaching here, I just want everyone to, you know, hear the way that I hear it so that you guys take action on this and also get the book. I'm about to go speak to a few thousand people after we do this interview, as you know. And I used to really have a hard time with imposter syndrome, with I'm not good enough, what are they gonna think about me, I hope they like me, etcetera, etcetera. And it just made it a torturous experience to get on stage and speak. And then over time, I just started to look into the crowd and realize this is a soul. There's a human in there. Maybe they need me. What if I took my focus and I walk out on the stage and focus on them and their needs and almost lose myself in the service of others? Yeah. It doesn't mean I'm not focused, just so you know the nuance everybody. I'm still focused on the message I need to deliver. I still wanna be tactically good on the stage. I still wanna be have good timing and rhythm, and so I'm still focused to that extent on me. But the outcome of the work, my overall focus when I walk on that stage or I'm backstage is on them, not me. I self forget. And that self forgetting, I think, as a spiritual person, allows to hire me, in my case, the Holy Spirit to take over and enter the room, and I don't get in the way of it. But, also, I enjoy it more. I'm better. I have way more self trust and self confidence going out there because I'm not self focused when I go out. So that's the application of it for me. Beautifully said. Okay. So beautifully said. And what happens is you your goal is then not how do I look on stage. Mhmm. It's what kind of an impact am I having on these souls? Yes. And that is incredibly powerful. Yeah. It has a self minimizing effect. Yes. So the self, meaning that incessant voice, how am I coming across, how do people see me, that becomes dampened Mhmm. When we're focused on being of value to other people. Now a really tactical tangible tool for people here. K. I call it the care less, care more list. So I used to get very anxious sharing well, I still do. Every time I go to share anything on social media, because we do it all ourselves. We don't have a team. And there's an element of vulnerability that comes when you're doing the posting. Mhmm. When my finger is hovering over the post button, there is this little voice that creeps in. What are they gonna think? Am I gonna get the comments? Are they gonna criticize this? And also, in today's day and age, am I gonna get canceled? Have I said anything that could be misinterpreted? And I become so fixated on that that sometimes I hesitate and I don't post. So I started saying to myself, care less. Care less, Sade. Care less about what they think about how many people respond about this, that, and the other. And it really helped. Yeah. And I realized it's because of attention. Instead of my attention going to all the what will they think of me's, I just shifted to, well, I'm just gonna stop thinking about that. Yes. But then my husband, wonderful Faisal, who's my co author and business partner and the best decision I ever made in my life, he said, okay, well that's half the story, care less. But what are you caring more about? And I realized, oh, I see what you're getting at. So now what I do is I say care less, Sade, about how I'm coming across and what other people think. Care more about being of service, about being of value, and finding that soul that needs to hear this message. Care more. That is profoundly so great. I'm telling you everybody who's if you struggle with, like, just chronic fear, this is such a foundational move that if you just get out of yourself. I'm telling you, it's a it's it's almost 97% of the work. It truly is. One of the other things for me so I you know, over the years when you're in this work, you kinda start checking boxes on you're growing and getting better. And so I don't struggle much anymore with, the voice in my head or even self doubt. Not a lot of that anymore. I mean, there's certain situations, I'm sure, where that creep I've yeah. Actually, I think of one recently. I'm coaching someone that just came on board that ran a big country, and I remember thinking, why in the world does she want, you know, me? So there was a little of that. So I still that's true. I still have some of that. But what I I think the holy grail for me is worry. And I know why I worry. I think when you grow up in a home of an alcoholic dad or anything like that, you worry about your dad. You or mom and dad gonna stay together. You you begin this pattern of worry, and then that pattern, like that story you tell becomes a familiar home. Mhmm. Even if it's not a home I like living in, I'm very familiar with it, and the brain loves certainty. Yes. The brain loves familiarity. And so I I can I can get into a worry lane? I have, like, high speed Internet to a worry lane and a really bumpy dirt road to peace. Right? Like Nice analogy. It it's just true. And so, oh my gosh, this book about worry. Because everyone's like, don't worry. And I know scripturally depending on what your religious beliefs are, it it's a sin in some cases. And let's set all that aside for a second. You all worry and you know you damn worry. Okay? And some of you more than others. And I am really good at it. And I'm like, I have to just drop all this worrying, but I've never been able to meet that threshold. You have a tool in this book that is simple for us warriors or that have anxiety, and it is awesome because I've been doing it for like six days. And it's legit. And I'm gonna continue it. I think it's a I'm pretty good. I make my mind up. This is a decision. This is gonna be a habit I'm gonna develop. Tell them about the worry time. This is my probably one of my favorite tips in the book because I it's something I do almost every day. Okay. I'm also an incessant warrior. My brain loves to overthink. And again, it's there's this comfort that comes from the overthinking, but it does not help us. The brain is seeking certainty, and it's trying to find certainty. And then in our overthinking, we will magnify things that could go wrong because then at least we have certainty. Everything's gonna be terrible. Everything's going right. Doesn't help us. Yes. Now a lot of guidance out there is structured around distract yourself, eliminate the thought, do other things. But what we know, I mean, what happens, Ed, when you try not to think about something, you think about it more. Yep. In fact, there was this really great study early early on, like, decades ago. It was called the white bear experiment. Yes. Yes. They asked people not to think about a white bear, and then they asked another group to think about a white bear. The group that was asked not to think about the white bear thought about the white bear more than the group that was told to think about it. So when you try and suppress a thought, it doesn't work, it comes back. So what researchers have found is don't try and suppress the worry, give it a time and place. Yes. Which I love, because that's fantastic. Okay. So what does that mean? That means firstly, you need to schedule worry time every day. This is good. If you're a warrior. Mhmm. Right? Ten minutes. I find ten minutes is good for me, but the research actually says it can be up to thirty minutes. So you can start with thirty if you want more time and reduce it. Set worry time, Put it in your calendar. Mhmm. Now someone said, but if you call it worry time, that's a negative term. You can call it whatever you like. Me time, cup of tea time, whatever it is. But have that in your calendar. Usually towards the end of the day, not too close to bed because it will affect your sleep. So some people do it after work or after dinner on the couch when you have alone time. Now during the day, when a worry pops up, as it does, and it's so incredibly distracting, you write it down in a worry list. Mhmm. Or a cup of tea list, whatever you wanna call your worry time. I call it a worry list. Mhmm. And I have it on my phone. But I also recommend having a physical notebook. Write down your worry. Now, what is remarkable is sometimes when you write something down, your brain goes, oh, good, you're not going to forget it. I don't have to keep reminding you. It's a fact. Right? That's the first thing. So write it down. Very good. Then say to yourself, I'm not gonna worry about you now. I will worry about you during worry time. Mhmm. So you're giving it a time and place you've given it an outlet. Remarkably, even that in itself can help reduce the worries. Capture all of them. When you get to worry time, you know, your calendar notifies you, pull out your list and allow yourself to worry. It's very good, you guys. It's remarkable. I'm telling you, it's remarkable. And let me tell you the other thing I've experienced. By the way, thank you for that. Like, that alone is a life, I would say, life altering thing for me. And what I found out is that, I have my worry time. It's I'm I'm not gonna say when it is, but it's it's five, six hours before bed because of what you said because I'm a ruminator. Mhmm. You get me going too good. But what I have found is I've set this window of time, which is only ten minutes in my case. You know what I found out by the time I get there, which is I'll just be in it's between, like, five and 07:00. I'll just share that. I have found that by the time I get back to my list that my ability to find the worry to the depth that I was heading into it before is much more shallow or doesn't exist at all anymore. That doesn't mean there aren't a few things I'm like, alright. I'm a sit here and ruminate on this one, and let me see how bad I can make this in my head. But the vast majority of the things that I've been writing down throughout the day, by the time I get to worry time to worry about them, I can't find the groove. Do you know what I mean? Emotion come out. Where is this? Like, where's the dread? What's going on here? It's very hard for me to find it six, seven hours removed. Yet, there's a few cases where I have. Have you found that with you as well? 100%. And it's because in the moment when the thought comes, that's a stimulus, and then the emotion responds to that. But when you've given it time, when you review it Mhmm. Suddenly, there's this sense of objectivity Mhmm. And you don't get stuck in again, there might be some, but you don't get stuck in them, which also helps you determine which of these are actual worries You got it. And which ones were just because I had a bad experience with someone, or I just I hadn't eaten that day and so my mind was cleaned, or I hadn't slept and so this thing felt bigger than it was. Well, I'm just in my pattern of what I do. Exactly. Can I tell you the other thing that it does and I maybe you could speak to it? I was just gonna I had a thought about it. The other thing that and you say this in the book, so it's valid. It's training me almost to what you say in the book, which is this, and then I'll let you elaborate on it. By the time I get to it, and I'm like, yeah. That was a dumb worry. Like, I can't get myself to worry about it. Now there are things again where I'm like, it's valid. But it's also reconvincing me that I don't have to believe everything I think. In the moment, I think it. Because once I've written it down in the moment, I'm thinking it, and I'm like, I'm gonna get to you at 05:30. By the time I get to it at 05:30, I'm like, what the heck did I believe that for? And so it's actually training me to be more of an observer of my thoughts in the moment rather than addicted to them and identifying and attaching to my thought. It's teaching me that I don't have to believe everything I think in the moment that I think it. Beautifully said. And you say this in the book. Beautifully said. There's so much power in being able to do that. Reminding ourselves you don't have to believe everything you think, and you don't have to believe everything your mind tells you to believe based on a pattern that's been there since childhood. Mhmm. And so this simple simple practice of just it's called stimulus control for worry. This simple simple practice is so remarkably effective. Now, there are a couple of steps afterwards. Because you might find someone will go through their worries and then suddenly Yes. It's on super drive. When the alarm goes off, you have to be setting the alarm. When the alarm goes off, the ten minutes, the thirty minutes, whatever it is, you need to have the discipline to say, okay, I'm stopping the worry now. Then you look at your list and you ask, is there anything that I need to do about any of these? What is within my control? And is there anything I can do? And then if there is, you commit to one, two, or three actions, just very, very small ones. That reminds you that there's always a small step you can take, which builds up your sense of autonomy in the moment. And then if there's nothing you can do about it, you're like, great. I'll just worry about it again tomorrow. And it's remarkably effective. Then at the end of the week, what's helpful is to go back through your list, and then reflect on how many of these were dumb, just dumb thoughts that popped to me in the moment. How many of these are actual worries, and what are the patterns here? What are reflecting deep patterns that were developed when I was a kid that I don't actually have to stay attached to today. Outstanding. It again, it's just so simple and so effective. You know what it really is? Is that but, again, I just wanna validate what you've been talking about the whole podcast. This is actually working on yourself. Yeah. When you hear, hey, I'm really working on myself right now. That description of what you just said about writing it down at the moment, getting it to it during worry time, reflecting it at the end of the week, now you're working on yourself. Mhmm. Now you're making progress. That's a little bit different than just speaking outside, I'm worthy or I'm amazing or I deserve to win. That's not that it's ineffective or not important at all but there's levels to this game of changing yourself. And what you're describing here is a real level of real change. Like, you can't do that for three months and not be somehow different. And the reason you need to be different is I wanna go down this road with you on imposter syndrome. We've got some time left, so I wanna cover this. Because I always think, what do they make what does everyone else want me to ask about? So I wanna cover this with you. I've been fortunate, as you know, to coach, you know, people have achieved at a pretty high level, including people, as I said earlier, that have run some pretty large countries, including the one we're sitting in right now. Not the one who's running it now, but someone else. And I was shocked, and I work with them post their leadership, not during it in this case. But I was shocked with them with their guard down a little bit would be willing to tell me how much as leader of a large country or someone, a CEO who's leading a very big company or the best singer in the world at the time. How real imposter syndrome is for people. How real it is, and it's it's deep. Yet, these people were functional imposters to some extent. It made me feel so good because I'm like, because I suffer from this too depending on what venue I'm in or where I go. And so I want you to speak to this for a minute. If someone's like, I just chronically have this imposter thing. What is a tool, a resource, a strategy that can begin to chip away at it at least? So imposter syndrome, the very first thing we need to acknowledge is that the the term imposter syndrome doesn't actually exist in the literature as a syndrome. It's called imposter phenomenon. Now, if you just think about the difference between a syndrome and a phenomenon, they feel very different. A phenomenon is something that is observed from a behavioral perspective. A lot of people experience this thing. It's a behavioral phenomenon. A syndrome makes it seem pathological, like something is deeply wrong with us. It's not a diagnosis. It's just an experience. And some researchers found that up to eighty two percent of people have experienced impostor syndrome. Or rather I should say the impostor phenomenon, feeling like an impostor, like a bit of a fraud. It's usually only in people. So in order to experience that, you have to have actually achieved something. You have to have a track record of success. Otherwise, it's not impostor syndrome, it's just self doubt. So that's the first thing. That's why we only see impostor syndrome in people who are achieving Good point. And successful. Good point. Otherwise, it's just, hey, I've never done this before. Okay, great. Deal with that. Mhmm. But this impostor feeling can either do one of two things. Either it holds people back from taking on the next step or leveling up or going for that next opportunity. But typically, what we see is that it doesn't necessarily hold them back. It just makes everything a lot more difficult. So yes, they've just stepped into this next role. Yes, they're running a country. Yes, they're running a business. Yes, they're coaching amazing people. They're in that position, and they feel like maybe I don't deserve to be here because I think other people think I'm more competent than I am. Yeah. I see that as a healthy sign of humility k. To a degree. So if we can shift it and think, okay, well, it's good that I feel this. It's intellectual humility. I'm aware that there are some gaps, but that doesn't mean I can't learn to fill those gaps. It doesn't mean I can't grow and grow into this space. That's a good frame. Really? And so just going back to something you said earlier as well, before I share a very simple strategy we have for this, there's two. You mentioned this idea of positive affirmations. I am worthy. I'm enough. I'm successful. What is so interesting is people who really struggle with acceptance, when they use positive affirmations, it makes them feel worse. It makes them feel worse. Because if you fundamentally do not feel like you're worthy, and then you're saying to yourself, I'm worthy, I'm worthy. You have such loud self criticism that has not been addressed that it just attacks you, no you're not. No, you're this is ridiculous. You're stupid for even saying that. And so studies have found that when you struggle with acceptance, when you have very low self esteem, these can backfire. And that's why remember at the beginning, I said, when we think self doubt is this one big thing, we think there's one solution, and then we wonder why it doesn't work. Yeah. It's because it's not. It is nuanced. So what is a more effective approach? And it's it's interesting. I saw this meme recently where you know if someone's struggling with acceptance when you walk into their home and they have a poster which says, I'm enough. I'm enough. I'm enough. I'm enough. It's like, well, clearly you struggle with that. So a more effective approach is to you have a label, which will be, I'm not enough. There'll be a deep scar that you hold, I'm not enough. You can't replace it with, I am enough. Your brain knows better. What you need to do is slowly shift the pathway in your brain by being more pragmatic about your label, or your affirmation. So instead of, I'm enough, it would just be, I'm learning and growing. I'm allowed to make mistakes, and I'm getting better every day. Something like that is much more believable It's in the book. Than jumping into I'm enough. I'm going to succeed. No. I have put in the work. Mhmm. I am going to keep putting in the work. Mhmm. And then I will deal with whatever comes my way. And if that is success, great. If it's not, I will learn and I will keep going. Right? So it's yes. It's not as catchy as I'm a success. I'm enough. But these are the tools that we need to actually move forward. Is it because you're you actually buy in and believe in that? Yes. Yep. It's much easier to believe something like that because you're not fundamentally changing a belief one eighty. Yeah. You're just shifting it. That's real work right now. And then you do that for enough time, then you shift it again, and then you shift it again. And then slowly over time, you will start to embody that. It's real world. So let's look at impostor syndrome. Two very simple things. The very first one is to actually just acknowledge you feel like an impostor. Again, don't acknowledge it to everyone. If you're coaching Right. You know, a former government of a country, you probably don't wanna walk in there and the first thing you say is, hi, I'm Ed. I don't feel like I belong to you. I really know who I can help you. But you can share it in safe spaces. Yep. So there's this great story that I have in the book from Jason Siegel. I think that's how you pronounce his name, from How I Met Your Mother. Yeah. And he was kind of the lead of that show. And then he moved into directing. And his first directorial debut for Despatches from Elsewhere, he said he was so full of anxiety and he felt like an imposter. Because when you go from being part of the group to suddenly leading a group, suddenly the dynamics change. Mhmm. So what he did is he brought the crew together and he said, hey, everyone. I'm doing this for the first time. There's a lot I don't know. If I do anything that bugs you, let me know because I wanna learn. Yeah. So he completely owned it. And he said the moment he did that, that tension that he felt So good. Completely relaxed. So that's really valuable. Just acknowledge it. It sure is. That's if you guys are a leader of a company or took a new role at a at at your where you work, that is a beautiful way. Also, to ingratiate yourself to the group to some extent as well. Right? To, like, hey. I'm rooting for this person. Yes. I wanna work with them. Yes. Yeah. You're right. Okay. That you're so good. Simple. Super simple. Acknowledge it. The second one is to be really pragmatic. So grab a piece of paper, split it into three columns. In the left column, I mean, you need a bit of time to do this, but in the left column, you wanna write down all of all of the qualities that you have developed over the course of your life and your career. So not your achievements, the qualities. Some of them may be hard skills, but generally, we're talking about the determination, the persistence, the grit, the curiosity. Write them all down. Now in the middle column, you write down all the things that you don't think you have that are making you feel like the imposter. Well, I don't have experience running a country. Well, I don't have experience running a business of this size. I don't have write them down. In your third column, you wanna be matching up the qualities that you wrote down to fill the gaps from what you've identified in the middle. Yes, okay, I haven't run a country, but you know what? I have demonstrated this quality and this attribute and this one in the past, and I can apply them right now to do what I need to do to succeed. Yes. I may not have run a business like this, but I have done this, and I've done this, and I've done this. What you're doing is reminding yourself actively that even if you haven't done anything in the current zone, you've done many other things that give you the the what's the word? The permission to be there Very good. And then to grow into the role. Really simple story here. So I'm gonna share two of them. I think your audience will appreciate this. So if you're listening and watching, I hope you enjoy these two. The first one comes from legendary graphic designer, Paula Scher. So when Citibank was merging or, yeah, Citibank was merging with Travelers Insurance I I know that merger. In the '19 in 1998. Okay. 1998, I believe. That, but, yeah. Okay. So they were merging, and they needed a graphic designer to design the new logo. Okay. So they reached out to Paula Scherr, who is phenomenal at what she does, graphic design. They bring her in, they're sitting around a boardroom table, they're explaining what they need, and she's listening, and she grabs a napkin, she starts scribbling on the napkin, and then she slides the napkin over and she goes, here's your here's your logo. Now the room was stunned. Someone even said, how is it possible that you designed a logo in a matter of seconds? And she sat there with conviction and she said, it was designed in a second and thirty four years. It was designed in a second and every experience that I've had up until this point. Mhmm. And then they ended up paying her $1,500,000 for that. I love it. So the beauty of that And I know that logo by the way. Yeah. We all see it everywhere. With Citibank, you know, the little umbrella. It's a beautiful example of how she was demonstrating in that moment that what you see is just it's not just this. Mhmm. It's actually everything else that I've done to bring me to this point. Oh, understanding. Isn't it a beautiful story and a great example of how we need to remind ourselves, even if you're doing something new Okay. Actually, this is what brings us to the second story. It's much easier to do that when you're in a space that you know. She was a graphic designer. She had all this experience in graphic design. What if you're stepping into something you have never done? And this is where we learn about Tinker Hatfield and the Nike story. Okay. So in 1985, Nike is struggling as a business. Mhmm. Stock prices declined, mass layoffs, they are struggling to enter the basketball market. So they host a twenty four hour shoe design competition internally for their staff because they need fresh talent. They need new ideas. They're desperate. Tinker Hatfield was a young corporate engineer working for Nike. He enters it and he wins. Within twenty four hours, he's offered a role to join the design team. He's never done design before. He starts in that role. And then he starts thinking, okay, well, I don't really know how to design. I've never done this before. But what have I done? Well, I've studied architecture. And I remember at architecture school, we learned about this building called the Centre Pompidou in Paris. And it's like this inside out building, where everything that's usually hidden, the structure, you know, the structural elements, the mechanics, the elevators, they're all on the outside by design. And he thought, that's really cool. What if we did something like that with a shoe? And so he sketches out this design, this sneaker with the Nike swish, and he has this big visible air pocket in the heel to see through the shoe, and that became the Nike Air Max one. This iconic sneaker designed by this young guy who had zero design experience. So good. So good. Now it also shows us that even though you don't have experience in a particular space, you still bring with you a different perspective, instincts, ways of looking at things, and other experiences that can actually be even more valuable than if you had been in that space the whole time. That is so good. I wish everyone had did more work on literally listing their attributes like you said. Because when I've asked people to do it, they can give me a list of a 100 things they do poorly with, like, instantaneously, reflexively. Oh, I'm terrible at that. I can't do this and do this. My nose is this. My ears are that. And I go, okay. Well, what are you what are you great at? And I watch their their eyes go up, which is they're going to recall, and they're trying to think. They're like, well, I guess I'm I'm like, stop it. Yeah. There are so many things you bring to bear. You're not gonna get through this life very well if you're not aware of what those things are. They should be on the tip of your tongue, the front of your mind, because that's that's what you bring to the table, whether it's your experience, your natural giftedness, your talent, etcetera. I love I think you're brilliant, number one, but I also like that everything is applicable. So I'm gonna ask you something I really didn't see in the book or I missed it. Can I do that? Yes. Can I just share one more thing here? Of course. Just in relation to Yes. Oh, what was it? It was really, really valuable. Making the list of your actions. Yes. Yes. Okay. So we are terribly, remarkably terrible at identifying our strengths and what we do well. Mhmm. This is a known fact. Because we're so close them that we don't even see them as special. You're exactly right. That's ex exactly right. And also the other thing which relates to Paula's situation is sometimes you've been doing something for so you've been doing something so well for so long that because it's not an effort for you, you don't see it as valuable. Rewind everybody one minute. That's exactly right. What she's telling you is exactly right. You've lived with these things you're great at so long. You take them for granted. You think everybody else can do it or it's not that big of a deal. And that is absolutely a lie. Absolutely a lie. Okay. And so what's really valuable here is actually to ask other people. Now most people will go to others and say, what are my strengths? Don't ask this question. Scrap that. When you ask someone what are your strengths, they go into business work mode, and then they struggle, and they they they just list generic skills. That's not what you're asking. You wanna go to people and say, when have you seen me at my best? What was I doing? Nine. When have you seen me at my best? I would love to say this is mine, it's not. It come from research that was done, I believe, at the University of Michigan, the Center for Positive I need to get the correct name for this, but they have actually done research and found that this question elicits so much value from other people. Because they're not trying to identify strength, they're actually thinking about you in a moment your best. Doing something in particular where you shone. Very good. And then you ask them to tell you about that experience. You know what I'm I I know probably 18 times I have said very good. It's because there's so much and I don't mean to be critical of, like, our space, whatever this is that we're doing right now. Whatever this is. Right? It's so generic. It's so repetitive. It's so much the same stuff. It's blows me away, quite frankly, what people will pay for when I watch people like that. It was the most vanilla advice. I mean, it's like No. It was delivered well. It was delivered well. People pay for it. I just said this to someone that I go, my industry has become people who say absolutely nothing really well. It's and I and I don't mean I guess that sounds negative, but it's like it's so refreshing to have a conversation where it's like, and by the way, I've been doing this thirty five years. That's new to me. That's awesome. That's true. I've done that. That works. So I love everything that you're talking about. I'm gonna push you on something. Last question. And I mean come back because I really feel like I've got through about 15% of what you and I could talk about. So we should do this again at some point when I'm out on your island. Yes. Let's just say that you're because this is there's someone listening to this say that's at this stage of their life. They did have some self confidence or self trust. They were doing pretty well. And then a disruptive event took place in their life that's altered it. I think of a time in my life where that happened where I felt like my self confidence, it was probably not as deep as I thought it was. It was more vulnerable than I thought. But someone's listening to this, and they're like, you know, I thought I was, pretty special and attractive, and I found out my spouse was cheating and or he or she repeatedly told me for five years that I wasn't beautiful anymore. I was overweight. Or I thought I was a great entrepreneur and I blew it. I made a mistake. I trusted the wrong person. I lost my business. Or something's happened where they've lost something. And this can cause somebody to lose themselves. It happened to me once in business when I was very young where I just couldn't get back on my feet so to speak. I had lost that swagger that I thought at least that I had. So what would you say to somebody who's listening that goes, you know, I thought I was pretty stable at this and pretty good, but then this event happened. You know, something happened. I lost my business. I lost a relationship. I made a I made a bad call or someone's hurt me, and I'm in this I gotta get remade state. I'm not sure what to do. What would you say to that person? Three things. K. First thing to acknowledge though is that this undermines your autonomy. When things outside of your control happen to you, it can completely undermine that attribute, and then that fuels things and makes you feel powerless and makes you dwell and ruminate. The very first thing to acknowledge is, when we're in that state, it's very easy to think, why me? Why did this happen to me? But the more you repeat, why me? The more you are victimizing yourself. Life feels unfair. Things are never going to get better. And you're further undermining your autonomy. A simple way to increase your autonomy in the moment is go, okay, what next? What next? It happened. I can't do anything about that. Mhmm. But I control my next step. Mhmm. What next? What is fascinating is when we're in why me territory, there's more activation in the fear centers, in the amygdala. You feel powerless, but that also makes you pay more attention to everything that's wrong in your life. It's default thinking. Mhmm. When you shift your attention to what next, you're bringing it back to possibility, solution find finding. From there, the second step is to write down every okay. So when we're in the state, the why me state, we tend to go into the land of shoulds. I should have done this. I should have been better. I should have noticed sooner. Or I should be doing this. I should be doing that. Now, Ed, how do you feel when someone says to you, Ed, you should do this? No bueno. No bueno. Right. We experience something called reactance Yeah. Which is this deep resistance, and we become teenagers. No. I'm not doing that. Funny enough, that can happen when we use should on ourselves as well. So instead of should, research shows that there is one switch to change that word should into something else that opens up divergent thinking, makes us more open to solutions and options. It's just to shift from should to could. Mhmm. Okay. You get a piece of paper and you write down a I could list. All the things that you could do in the moment. They can be big. They can be small. Well, I could do this. I guess I could do that. I could do that. And it just reminds you, hey, there are things you could do. Now you're not committing to those things which is also very comforting. Creates possibilities. The next step is, okay, that's my I could list. What is my I will list? Pick the three smallest things on that, write them in your I will list, and do them. Why is this important? Every very small step that you take rebuilds your autonomy. You're getting a proof point, an evidence piece of, okay, no matter how terrible things are, I can still move forward. I can still do something that changes what's going to happen next. That is incredibly powerful. The final step, or the third piece here, is to make sure that you're around people who believe in you, who are positive. Not the toxic optimists. We're not talking about people who say, chin up, you'll be right. You know, they can sit with you, they can acknowledge that was really tough, but who also believe in your potential. Because when you are around people who believe in you and what is possible, it's called the Pygmalion effect, you are more likely to live up to those expectations. They shape what you believe is possible for yourself, But if you're around people who have very low expectations for you, and unfortunately for a lot of people that is your families, or your friends, because they see you how they've always seen you, which is maybe how you were before, but you have grown. You're not the same person. And they unknowingly try and keep you the same, which is very difficult when you are trying to grow. You are more likely to live down to their expectations. Now, one other quick tip here. When anyone is on a journey of growth, any kind of growth, you're going to go through a lot of beautiful transformations. And what is something, Ed, that people very close to you might say when you're going through all these transformations, there's often something that they say that is not necessarily a positive. Any ideas what it is? You're changing. You've changed. Yep. You've changed. Now if you struggle with any of these attributes, especially acceptance, your usual response to that is, no, no, no, I haven't. I'm exactly the same. And then you try and prove it to them Yeah. That you're the same. And then you might do the same things you did before to try and prove that you're the same, so you win back their affection because then if you do, then the best response in this moment. Because it's never really a positive, like, wow, you've changed. It's more, wow, who the heck are you? Why are you faking it? And unfortunately, I had people that I love say this to me because they didn't understand. Sure. And that was really hard. The best response that we have found when someone says you've changed is three words. Thanks for noticing. That's good. Thanks for noticing. That's very good. You are saying so much in only three words. You're saying, yes, change has been a priority for me and I've been working on it. Mhmm. Thank you for noticing that I have been transforming. And you instantly flip something that is otherwise a negative into an incredible positive. Not only that, you give them permission to think, oh, okay. So you've been prioritizing change, and look at how you've changed. Maybe I can do the same. Very good. Very good. You are exceptional. Thank you, Ed. And this is, this is an extraordinary conversation. One of the easiest podcasts I've ever done. Oh, I'm so glad. No. You're a great guest, but your work's exceptional. You're exceptional. You don't need my validation, by the way, because because you've got a ton of autonomy. My lack of acceptance appreciation. About it. I'm working on it. Profile, I still I could still fill in for you. By the way, probably the most beautiful name that's been the history of the show. Yeah. Sade Zarai. Did I say that right? Perfect. Was it perfect? Yeah. I'm my favorite singer of all time, so this is great. Her work, you guys, you should just go get the book. Big Trust, doctor Sade Zarai. And I know that you're gonna wanna go get more of her. I'm going to have you back on the show. One way that even if I have to come to the island. Everybody, one other thing too for me to engage with me, make sure you're getting on my email list because we're doing more stuff for the show through email. So go to edmylet.com and submit your email. Make sure you share this episode and make sure you go get a copy of Big Trust. God bless you everybody. Max out.

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## They Didn’t Think They Were Good Enough...Until They Did This | Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63fbERvRzsU
- **Published:** 12 days ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, here's our first guest. Is there a part of you that has imposter syndrome if you're being candid with the audience that you do come from humble beginnings? You have had ups and downs. You are, you know, coming off of you know, you haven't had a six fight win streak even right now if we're being candid. Right? So is there a part of you that has to overcome these mental demons, so to speak, of believing you belong, believing you can win that I think most people struggle with, or have you passed that stage of your life? I think I definitely still have a a a certain degree of it, but I think I think I've gotten to the point where it's been revealed to me enough through through life the course of life that the older you get, the more people you come into contact with, the more the more people you train with or you're in business with or you watch their work ethic or you watch how they live their lives, both in front of the camera, behind the camera, and and behind closed doors, in front of, you know, in front of the public, and you start to really look around and take stock and think, you know what? I do think that the gold and diamonds was was was reserved for God's people, not the devil's bunch. You know, I do think that the good among us are supposed to go out and capture those things. And before, it used to be like, yeah. But you don't deserve it. You don't, you know, you don't deserve that. And if you do get that, well, what's gonna happen? Maybe maybe you're gonna start rubbing people the wrong way. And I think I've gotten over that and realized, man, if you don't have a bunch of fruit on the back of your cart, you can't pass it out to people. If you've got nothing on your cart, you can't pass it out to people. And I do think I have I have a duty to be successful because I can then use it to change people's lives where until I got to a certain point, it was like, well, I'm a little bit afraid. You you actually were the first person I heard talked about the thermometer. Right? And I was that guy. Like, I'm okay with the thermometer getting to here, but I'm a little nervous if it gets too high. And that that thermometer just keeps getting higher and higher and higher, and I'm getting okay with it each time. So I do think I have a little bit of a degree of that as you know, once again, you you keep leveling up. Every time you level up, now you're into a new realm. So, of course, there's a little bit of it, but you say, wait a second. I've been here before. Let me watch how this plays out. And at the end of the day, when I lay my head on the pillow at night, I know that I deserve it. I'm the one of those guys who deserves to to go and capture that because of the way that I live my life. That's exactly right. You've earned this. And by the way, everyone, a little bit of everything in moderation is actually good. So a little bit of imposter syndrome keeps you what you see in this young man right here. Humble. Keeps you training hard. Reminds you, I better outwork this dude because maybe I don't have everything they have. A lot of imposter syndrome will cause your thermometer to prune the air conditioner on, and you'll cool your life back down. So a little bit of it is not you don't have to eradicate all of your imposter syndrome. You have to eradicate that it's your dominant thought. But to have that in the back a little bit is not all that bad. I have it, which is what causes me to prepare for a speech or a podcast. It's what's caused me to save my money because I don't believe all my press clippings. I don't believe I'm always going to win. Everything's entitled to me, and so it's a healthy thing to some extent. Let me ask you this. I was, watching some fights, you know, preparing for, you know, our work, and and, my son's like, dad, these guys are so good. And, you know, I've I've hit bags and spar, and you you know all that part of my background. And I said, Max, the different thing that you don't realize, because it looks like a video game when you watch people fight, is they're getting hit and still throwing punches back at the same time. That's the one thing I think when people watch any sort of combat, whether it's Mikey's sport and boxing or yours, they just underestimate how difficult it is to absorb punishment and return it. It's one thing to just dole out punishment into a bag. Right? Or to, you know, to hit mitts. It's a very different thing, and that's really I told my son. I said, Max, that's the the game of life. The game of life is everything looks good at the seminar. When you read the book or listen to the podcast, it's sort of like these offensive strategies. But the people that I've seen win, and I want you to talk about this in fighting it in your life, the people that I've seen win, they have this very special ability to absorb a punch and still throw back. And that's the separator in life, and it certainly is in sports as well. So just speak to that, Michael. I mean, metaphorically, you do it in there. And by the way, you may wanna be the greats at all time at doing that. This is a dude who almost out on his feet can still knock people out better than anybody that's ever probably been in the sport or at least one of them. But what about that fact of life and actually in the sport literally? Yeah. I mean, it's it's very interesting because I do think metaphorically, right, there's there's a lot of similar similarities there. But even realistically, I think from a physical standpoint, I think sometimes it's it's easier to take the blows inside of taking huge shots inside of a fight and keep coming forward where because there's not as much of an ego involved because I'm not really worried about what how everybody perceives the punch that just land on me landed on me. Whereas in life, in business, in our relationships, we have a failed account or a failed relationship or we have we have a setback here. Immediately, everybody stops and thinks, looks in the mirror and says, what's everybody else thinking around me? You know? Whereas in mixed martial arts, I don't have the time, and I call it a luxury. I think I don't I have the luxury of not having any time. If I sit and I dwell on that one punch that just landed in it and it rocked me, and I start thinking about what the people in the nosebleeds or in the front row are are thinking about that shot that just landed, the second, the third, the fourth are gonna come and the the knockout is gonna ensue. Whereas in life, a lot of times we are stifled and stymied so much by we take one blow, we take one shot, we take one setback, and we're just worried about everything else with instead of just you know, the definition of persistence is continuing in the course of action with complete disregard to previous failures and future opposition. Right? So in life, we stop and we think way too much about what's everybody else thinking or how is this gonna look on social media. What are the what are the press clippings gonna say? Like you said, like, with there's so much to it. And I've gotten really good at and this happened to me when I came to the UFC. Like you said, I was outside the UFC, relative obscurity. I trained hard. I was a good athlete, but I wasn't a famous athlete. Then all of a sudden, you come over. You're the biggest free agent signing maybe in UFC history Yep. And you everything doubles in five five times the a following and five times the interviews and five times the platform. And all of a sudden you're like, wait a second. I better get used to public criticism very quickly or else I'm gonna I'm gonna this thing this ship's gonna sink. So I've just gotten really good at realizing, man, no matter what, this is my race that I'm running, and I love you, but it's still my race. And I love my wife and my kids, and I love my coaches, but this is still my race. And if I can just focus on me and know know that if I just keep moving forward and if anything, we don't follow people because of their successes. We follow people more even for their failures because they were able to overcome something. People love us people love a comeback, and that's what my story my whole story has been about. I am a blueprint for how you get knocked down, get back up, and keep moving forward, and then somehow end up in the biggest fight of the last decade. By the way, he's also, has a future in my space, in the personal development, motivational coaching space as you could tell because he's got this insane ability to articulate his thoughts. Okay. Couple more things. Separations in the preparation. I don't know if there's a more finely trained athlete on the planet than you right now. I mean, in any sport. This dude's a specimen. He trains his ass off. Do you like to train, or do you do it because you know it produces a result? And how important in anything someone's doing, particularly if maybe they think they lack something, is to gain their confidence from the prep from the preparation. I think, I think I I do love to do it because you ever ask yourself, like, what what's the alternative? You know? What is the alternative? I do think I use the word easy lightly because I'm sure the audience is like, dude, I watched the training. It looks crazy. But for me, it's easy. My hard is different than your hard and different than hard for everyone else. Me thinking about doing some of the things that you do, that sounds crazy to me. But to me, maybe working out as hard as I do half the audience is like, man, I would die in the in the warm up. But it's become not easy in the sense that it's not hard every time I do it, but it's what I do. It's not who I be, but it is what I do, and I'm pretty darn good at it. And I do know that it produces results. And I do think, you know, going back to the imposter syndrome or going back to the the self sabotage and going back to the temperature gauge, going back to my self-concept or my lowly self-concept that I used to have, if back when I was 14 years old, I didn't get into hand to hand combat thinking, okay. I'm not that talented, so I have to outwork everybody. And I've been able to take that now for the last twenty eight years, and I've never ever lost it. And then I've won world titles. I fought for the world title in the UFC. I have fought Madison Square Garden twice, fight of the year, debut of the year. I've got all of these different accolades. Yeah. But still the cornerstone always is me remembering that little 14 year old boy who walked into Northwest High School and knew that I was I had just started wrestling, and everybody else had been there for years. And I need to I need to outwork all these people or I'm never gonna get to where I'm going, and I still have that as a third 38 year old in the sport. Twenty twenty eight years in the sport. So I look at it like I am grateful that I have these two capable arms and these two capable legs to be able to do what I do. You know? And I, you know, I look at it as a blessing that I, you know, I train here in Deerfield Beach, Florida, and there's two gyms connected to each other. There's a physical therapy there's a physical therapy, clinic in our same interest. We share one. And I see people coming in in wheelchairs. I see people coming in with cerebral palsy, and I see people coming in with really bad injuries, car accidents, paralysis, all of these different things. And I know it sounds a little bit dark to think about. Right? But Yeah. I am so blessed to be able to do what I what I get to do. And every single one of those people would would give anything to trade one week of this well enabled body to be able to live in this well enabled body. And I I really always have looked at that blessing that most people are have they can talk about depression or they can talk about anxiety and sadness and all of these different things, but we have so many things to be thankful for that we just gloss over and overlook and just keep moving forward. And I think that's where it is. Knowing I can outwork everybody, taking my gratefulness and my gratitude for the abilities that I have and the opportunity that I have, and thinking about the alternative. The alternative is me going and getting a job somewhere, and I love what I do, and I get to do it every single day. It's my producers, I guarantee you, are just their mouths are open right now because right before you got here, I recorded a podcast. It'll come out after this one. But I talked about focusing on what you possess as opposed to what you don't have, and then having perspective questions about the fact that someone's got it worse than you. And when you're actually able to do those two things and focus on what you have as opposed to what you're missing, and focus on the fact that you're blessed to have what you do have, that someone's got it worse. It's just amazing. Then you just go say this. How much is your two last questions. How much is your growth on you? Like, most people can tell from listening to you now, but I want everyone to know. This man works very hard on himself. Like, Michael and his downtime, I'm not his only friend in this space. Michael will attend events. He's read the books. He listens to the podcast. He, he'll speak at these events as well. He's worked very hard on the internal him, and and there's two elements of that. He's a man of very strong faith, but he's also worked on his mind, worked on his thinking, worked on himself, worked on that thermostat setting. How much of that aside from all the physical training do you attribute to the fact that you're gonna be in the octagon on the twenty ninth with McGregor? I think it's got I mean, it has everything to do with it. I mean, really and and I made this, you know, I made this realization years ago when you were talking about, you know, if for the people that don't know, I went six hundred eighty eight days without winning a fight. And for a lot of people, that's a that's a death sentence for an MMA career. You know, going from world champion in Bellator to losing three fights in a row, thinking that at any point in time, I was gonna get my walking papers or gonna get a phone call that I was gonna get cut from the organization. And in that time, I realized I was doing all the physical work. If you're my coach and you tell me to run through that wall, I will run through that wall. No questions asked, and I will do it harder and faster and better than every single else behind me. But what I wasn't working on was my mind, and what I wasn't working on is this self image. And I was letting that get away from me. All I was doing was building up a a bigger, faster, stronger, subpar version of the man that I was really created to be because inside of here, inside of my mind was so it was lacking, and it was so important, but it needed to be revealed to me. And that was the thing too. If a bad thing happens to you, but a good thing comes from it and you become a better person, a better man, a better father, a better husband, a better a better human being, you gotta ask yourself, was it really a bad thing if a good thing comes from it? And I think I look at that point in my career and realize that was the catalyst and the the springboard that was going to catapult me. That was the winding of the spring, and it was a painful winding of the spring. It was it came with tears. It came with self doubt. It came with embarrassment, overwhelming embarrassment, but it was that quilling of that spring that eventually springboarded me to becoming the next version of the man that I needed to be. And, yeah, I mean, I just I've always been I've always just been curious and, admired people like yourself who who who are trying to make the world a better place, admitting their flaws, showing and wearing their heart on their sleeve, and talking about the struggles that you have gone through and how there's a lesson in every single loss. And, you know, I've been very blessed with so many great friends, and I have a duty to them to continue to be a part of that community. I have and I have a duty to my family, and I have a duty to myself. And most importantly, I have a duty to my almighty god who created me, not just to be good, not just to be that little boy who was gonna play it small and and think that he doesn't deserve great things and think that I could just, you know, barely get enough and barely get by and live paycheck to paycheck and nobody knows my name. I I've I was commissioned and and and I have this conviction, this deep conviction to know that I was created to do something extraordinary, and it took years and years and years, and I just wanna keep on adding to that. And when people say the sky is the limit, you know, it's it's a it's a term that we use, but at some point, you start to believe it. And you and you believe it not because of the Bentleys and the Bugattis and the boats and the watches and the all the material things, but it's the things that peep that you make people feel just with your presence and with your with your words and your voice. And that's what I wanna be able to do. And now we got the biggest the biggest platform we ever could have asked for, and, the sky is the limit. So, guys, now here we go. Just so you know, if you're driving the car, you need to grip your steering wheel a little bit tighter because this is about to get really good, like, really hugely inspiring. If you're on the treadmill at the gym, you're about to go from level seven to level 10 like that. And if you're watching YouTube, this is the part where you bring your kids in the room and you say, watch this. Okay? So so tell them what happens. You've you're starting to make your comeback. Guys, this is one of the most amazing stories you're going to hear. So you're making your comeback, and what happens? Well, I'd like to tell you my mantra of it's gonna get rocky, and I'm gonna tell you the mantra that my dad told me the whole time throughout my entire career and me being very risky was whatever you do, don't end up in a hospital, because you'll die in there. Wow. And, you know, it just kind of rang in my head, because I was riding dangerous horses, and I was doing a lot of training, and then I started training around the clock because of the weather, and I needed my bills paid, and I'm riding, riding, riding, and, taking chances that I shouldn't have had to take, you know, just because I was not understanding my growth, and I wasn't understanding my contribution. And so I was training really late at night in August in 2009, and I'm riding this horse that's fine. Everything's fine. We're training. Everything's normal. My poor staff member was there with her boyfriend, and it was just us lonely at night, lights on in the arena, and and I'm gonna train this horse. And as I was taking off around the arena, this horse slipped kind of in a mud puddle. And it was not a big deal. He said, you know, whatever. He slips, and he was feeling frisky. And you kinda know that when a horse behaves a certain way, he's feeling a little frisky. I should have known better, I should have taken more precautions, but I didn't. It's what I do for a living, what's the big deal? And I start laughing, I start giggling, and this horse starts to buck. And when I say buck, you know, horses can play and buck, and they can crow hop and buck. This horse did something that's like a wild instinct. So he reared up, when he did, he broke all the bones on this side of my face. And when he came down to the ground, I'm still laughing. I'm like, okay, whatever. And you know, in the cowboy industry, it's gotta be tough. You know. And so I start to pull this horse up, and as I do, he hits me in the head again, and I skull fracture in four places. Of course, I don't know this. And of course, I'm not wearing a helmet because that's just not the cool tough thing to do. Oh my god. And he begins to buck a little bit more, and I just decide that I'm gonna pick a place off over here to jump off, which is a terrible idea. Mhmm. But I picked a place to kinda jump off. And when I did, he kicked my feet about 13 or 14 feet in the air, and I landed straight down on my head. My legs just kinda flopped over, and I was unable to move. I was paralyzed right in that moment. And what a tough place to be in, you know, because I was in this horrible relationship and in a spot where I'm like, who's gonna save me? Mhmm. You know? So all I have is my career. Mhmm. If I get hurt, I can't make a living. Mhmm. How am I gonna take care of myself? I'm in this horrible place. How am I gonna get up? I gotta get up. And so my friend came over. I was strapped down to a picnic table because I was too cheap to ride in an ambulance. So I get taken in a pickup truck on a on a in a pickup truck on a picnic table to the hospital, and I get there and I start joking with the the staff because it's just my way. Mhmm. And the lady in the front desk, my friend went in and asked for a gurney. And she said, you don't need a gurney. That girl's out there telling jokes. Quit being so dramatic. So my friend that was a a paramedic, they take me in and they finally get me a gurney. I could've I could've walked, I think. I think I could've. But when I got through the MRI machine and and joking with the, the doctor that was helping me, I kept telling him, you know, Hooters closes in fifteen minutes and we're really close now. Like, let's go get some food. Tell me I have a concussion. Let's get out of here. Yeah. And he came back in the room. He said, you have a two percent chance to live. Oh my god. And he said, it's really been touching to get to know you. But he said, the planes are running, and you have thirteen minute flight to think about your life. And I hope that you really take that time to think about what you're gonna do now because you're never gonna ride horses again. Wow. And I'll never forget getting I'll never I don't know why I remember the guys' names. There were two guys named Russell that carried me to the plane and had me on this you know, in the c collar and strapped to the table. And I get to Can someone get me some tissue, please? Someone grab one? Thank you. I get to the hospital room, and there there's a whole another story, in the hospital. But I was told again I have two percent chance to live, that I would never walk again. The neurosurgeon told me I was an absolute idiot for riding horses. Thank you. They don't stop. They come down and it's over. It's beautiful. So I had I had a second to think, and all I could think of was my dad telling me, you know, you're gonna die in a hospital. You can't don't die in a hospital. And I'm like, oh, this is crazy superstition that you're gonna die in a hospital. Mhmm. And I wake up the next day heavily drugged, obviously, with a halo on. Oh, wow. I had a girlfriend in the hospital tell me they're gonna offer you two scenarios. You can get the surgery with the box in your neck Yeah. Or you can get the halo. They're gonna shave your head. You're gonna have holes in your head. She said go that way. I've seen this go a bunch of different ways. So when the doctor came in, I started bawling and I was like, I want the halo. You know, all I can think of is this cage on my head. I want the halo. At this point, I've called my mom and dad and told them that I was in a fender bender. Oh my god. Because they're with their grandkids in California. And I'm like, I'm in a fender bender. Everything's fine. It's all fine. It's gonna be fine. Amazing. And I've gotta figure out a way to get out of this hospital. So I get these nurses that come in, and I say, hey. How can I get out of here? Because now I've got this real embedded childhood fear that I'm gonna die in a hospital. And I've got a damn good chance at this point with the situation I'm in. True. I could die in here. So, shout out to all the amazing medical professionals because it's just my own superstition. They did an amazing job. One came in. I said I need to get out of here. And she laughed at me, and she said, well, you know, when you can walk from one end of the hall to the other, then they'll let you out. But you're not gonna do that. You got a long time. You need to settle in. You've got about six months you're gonna be here. So the next nurse came in and she said she laughed at me and she goes, you know, she's writing, oh, you've got six months. You know, you just, like, settle in. And then the next lady came in really late on shift, and she was amazing. And if I could find her, I would give her everything I've got. She came in and I said, how do I get out of here? I I gotta get out of here. Like, I really gotta get out of here. And she said, well, you walk to the end of hall and you come back, you can get out. And I said, well, let's do that. How do we do that? Wow. And she said Wow. She said, well, you you gotta get up, and the the big risk is, you know, if and when you fall down, you know, you can wiggle your fingers and toes, and that's good. Mhmm. But when you get up, it's not gonna feel like you thought it was, and you got all this equipment on your head. You're gonna hit the ground, and then you could die. Mhmm. And I was like, well, they've given me terrible odds at this point. So what the hell? And it was just very cool. This lady, that moment, I she has no idea what she did for me because she just, like, just well, you know, I'm willing to try it. So she takes the belt and she ties it to the ceiling Mhmm. And I get up and I fall down just like she said I would. And then she said if you just put one foot in front of the other, you know, you can get down to the end of the hall and it could take you months, but we're gonna try it. Wow. It took me about an hour and a half. And, I got up and down the end of the hall. Mhmm. And I took all the people that that didn't believe me. You know, the lady at the front desk and the nurses that came in, and and I said, tomorrow I'm gonna deliver flowers to each and every one of you guys because you didn't believe. And maybe I can change your mind because other people are gonna come in here. Oh my gosh. And they need to know they can walk. And so, the next day, I gathered up all my strength. Mom at this point knows that I've had, I've been structurally destroyed, is what I was told. She got called from actually a newspaper outlet that was interviewing for, rodeo publication that had leaked my medical records. So my parents found out in that way, so now I've got to do damage control and learn to walk. And I told mom, I said, we gotta go to the florist. I made him a promise. And so, it was a really cool scene to watch all of these people that just didn't believe. Instead of me being angry at these people that didn't believe in my journey, to just shine a light on it and show them a different way. So I went and got floral arrangements for every single person that told me I couldn't do it, and I walked in there, and I walked to each of their offices, and I I I hopefully I gave them a gift that they can always have. Wow. That's amazing. That they you might not believe how I'm gonna do it. Mhmm. But it gave me a lot of clarity too. Wow. Sometimes you're just not asking the right person. Wow. You know? I you wow. I think, I think everybody should just literally go back and listen to all of this again. Thank you. You make this honestly, I'm a tell you something. This is, like, such a blessing to be here with you. Thank you. It's a blessing to be here with you. Thank you. I'm I'm really moved right right now. Thank you. Trying to not get too moved so that I can still ask you questions. But It has a happy ending. I know. It's such a happy ending. It but it's a I know we're gonna go to there, but it's a happy ending because of everything you just said that there's there's so many things in there that we all have these people who don't believe in us and we're scared. And And they're scared too. They're scared to tell me I can walk down the hall because they know I can't. They're scared too. And maybe that's true for so many people where you have these people in your life that are close to you that are are maybe pulling you down. Maybe they're just scared for you. Maybe they're scared for them and you're gonna leave them too. Right? Absolutely. And everything that you have. And I I just wanna acknowledge you like you're freaking amazing. Like, you're amazing. And, I just no. Just to be clear with everybody, this break was very serious, very similar to Christopher Reeve. Right? And, I mean, not all that dissimilar injury. Correct? It's not. It's the same injury. So when you break your c two, that's what controls your head going left or right. Mhmm. And you have a very, very, very small chance of making it out on the other side. With a lot of neck breaks, this would be the the one that you really don't want, you know, to happen. Unbelievable. I'm picturing you there. I mean, you tell the story so well. I can actually picture you, and, I'm so proud of you. I mean, you're just you're just remarkable. And, everybody that just heard this, I told them they were gonna be moved, but I didn't even know until you told it in front of me how much it would move me. It puts in perspective so many things that I think are big obstacles in my life that really aren't. Sure. There's so many things that I think are a really big deal, and they're not. And that is a big deal. You wake up and wiggle your fingers and your toes tomorrow, you're gonna be like, oh, okay. My gosh. Just We're all okay. Just amazing. And so now it gets actually more amazing now. Thank you. Yes. You go through the process of rebuilding yourself, and then you make the crazy decision, it would seem to me, to actually get back on a horse again. Right? So what was that like, and what was the first time like, if you don't mind sharing that as well? Horrible, and I would love to share it. I was like Ricky Bobby in the race car. I'm killing it. And then and then you look over and people are like, yeah, you're doing really great, sweetie. You're walking. This is great. Really? Yeah. And so I thought, you know, learning to walk again is is pretty big hurdle. It's pretty tough. Yeah. And then learning to ride again and and you get over the the path that, okay, I'm gonna do this again. And the neurosurgeon's telling me I shouldn't do this again. Sure. Okay. Now I'm gonna wear some helmets. But I'm gonna I'm gonna wear a helmet and I'm gonna I'm gonna actually do this thing the right way. Mhmm. And then I started thinking about, I wonder if other people have had these things. And I start to read everybody's story, and I start to wonder if the human mind can comprehend getting up and walking out of a hospital when you've been told a 2% chance. Maybe I can go back to 14 year old me that wanted a world title, and let's do this thing. And let's actually give it a shot. And I thought if I can have a a goal big enough that makes my future look brighter than my past, then that will keep me hooked towards something that I want so badly. You know, because we're all gonna lose, and you're gonna suck, and you're gonna go broke doing it, and you're gonna have people that don't want you to do it, and you're gonna fail ultimately, and keep getting up and dust off and fail. But if the thing is so bright that you have to walk toward it, you'll stay hooked. And I stayed hooked, and I had a horse in my front pasture, just a small brief rundown. I had a horse in my front pasture that the trainer told me nobody could ride, and I thought, well, that would be pretty cool. I'm gonna go get that one. Oh my gosh. So I got that horse that was raised on my place, and, I actually her her mom and dad was the horses I went to the national finals on when I was a kid. Wow. And I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna ride this thing. And I trained her, and within a year, we were already fighting for another another chance back to the national finals rodeo What? Which is just unheard of. And she's just been Is this baby Flo? This is baby Flo. Okay. So that was a really cool part of my journey, and then I hit another road bump just what I think everybody does. I qualified for the National Finals Rodeo in 2013, And here I am. I'm ready to go, and I'm gonna show the world. And I go in, and I was terrible on TV ten days in a row. It was just the worst ever. Really? And I thought, well, there went the walking miracle thing. Like, now they're just like, she's a walking miracle that doesn't ride very good. Oh my gosh. Here we go. Okay. It's pretty big walking miracle to be there, but I understand what a letdown I got for. Got this career and, you know, people have known that I've already been and here's my comeback twenty years later or twenty five years later or whatever it is and boom. And I'm terrible at this on this big platform, and and I thought, man, I've gotta do this better. So Was that what you were thinking, Stu? Or so at the time, but were you super depressed, super bummed out for a while? I just wanna have people understand what this was. Season the season ends September 30, or is it September 31? So it's September September. Okay? October 1, it it begins. So you have a twenty four hour span to be really depressed Mhmm. Or get it together. Mhmm. And it was in that moment I was like, okay. I've gotta do this again. Mhmm. I gotta do this again. And, I wanna show my parents what my horse can do. And if I just put that that is my big light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I put that in front of the world title. Maybe I just scale it back. K. Maybe I just do this one thing of just I wanna show my face on TV again Mhmm. Running my horse as this person with this cool comeback story, and I wanna make a difference. And I wanna show that. Wow. Nobody show me stats. Nobody show me numbers. Mhmm. Nobody talk about anything. I qualified back third in the world. The girl that was winning it was a sure thing. Okay. Second place was the sure thing. Third place was the girl that blows it on TV. But let's all feel sorry for her, you know, because the neck thing. So I come back and and I decided that I'm gonna put my head down and I don't wanna talk about anything but just focusing on one foot in front of the other just like I did before because that's been my formula. Literally, like, learning to learn. Literally one foot in front of the other. Mhmm. So I get on my horse. Round one comes. I've never won a round at the national finals rodeo at this point. I've made, like, 50 runs k. In that arena. Never won. I've placed. Done well. Breaking your neck. Before breaking my neck. Done good. Yep. My fifty first run, I win it. Oh my I told all my staff, all my friends, everybody. I said, let's go home. Wrap it up. I don't wanna make the other nine runs. Right. Done. Victory. Right. Let's go. Amazing. Yeah. So then I thought, well, if we just keep doing this one foot in front of the other thing, let's just keep doing that. So run by run, the sure thing girl, just start slipping down the pack. Boom, boom, boom. And then here I am, And of course, you know, there's people that love you and hate you in sports. So I'm getting, you know, people that think I'm ridiculous. Mhmm. And people that think that I'm great. And you know, whatever. It's polarizing. It's fun for the fans. Mhmm. But the sure thing second place girl, she's really a sure thing. Mhmm. And she just starts going. And she's doing great. I'm doing great, and I look up to her so much. So, you know, it's cool for us to be kind of in this battle, and, something I've never said before I think on any of my social media is that the tenth round that would determine the champion, she came up to me, and she shook my hand, and she said, well, you've done really great, and, I'm just super excited for you. And I thought, I just won the world title. Okay. Because I realized that she hadn't celebrated yet, and I already had. And in my mind, I had my outfit picked out, and I was gonna be wearing gold because the gold buckle, and I was gonna be the gold title holder, and I would have this gold. And I I knew that when I walked in, I would jump up and down Mhmm. And I would have this, gold buckle in my hand, and I was like, wow. If I just don't mess this up, this is gonna this is gonna work. Mhmm. And I went in. She made a beautiful run. It was great. They swung the gate open for me to go, and my dad's standing right beside me, and I was like, man, this would be a really bad time to screw this up, wouldn't it? Just put one foot in front of the other. Mhmm. Don't try anything fancy. And I think that's been something that I've held with me so long that's so effective. Mhmm. Go in, and I made my run and I come out and I look at the board and I'm the winner. I'm the winner. And of course I lose it, and I'm losing it, and the cameras are coming and the, you know, ESPN's here and CBS is here and all of them are coming around and I look at my dad and he was like, you just you just won the world. Oh my god. And I was like, I'm gonna go jump on that stage just like I did in my head really quick. Oh my god. And it was so cool and they, you know, whisked me off and here I go down into the bottom and and, just a funny, funny story is the security guard said you didn't win it. They made a mistake. It's someone else, and I was like, someone needs to give me a bucket because I'm for sure gonna vomit right now. And they came back and said, it's amazing. We actually give the victory lap to the person that wins the average, and you didn't win the average, but you won the world. Wow. And it's such a cool thing because in my mind, I was shooting for the average. Mhmm. And I wanted to win this, you know, the aggregate. I wanted to be the most consistent person because that's what everybody told me I couldn't be. Uh-huh. And I ended up with the world title. So, yeah, you don't always get what you want. Sometimes you get something so much cooler. So much better. So It's gotta be I mean, listen. First, it should be a movie. Thank you. I mean, for sure. And all of my producer friends that are watching this, like, hello. I'll have to give you her Instagram in a minute. It should be a movie. It's an unfreeking believable story. Like Thank you. Like, even hearing it now. Look at me. Like, I'm just it's so remarkable what you've achieved and and and still continue to achieve too. But I just to tell you, like, just so you know, I've had a just for me, like, this is such a gift for me. Like, I I do shows, and I love doing them, but today is a gift for me. Like, you're remarkable. You inspire me, the story, the way you tell it. I can't wait for this to go to your audience and people to see it. I because I know somebody is struggling. Well, of course, they are. And, like, you embody. See, some people like, I talk about these things. Right. That's great. You embody it. You've lived it. You are it. Like, it's you you're evidence of it. Like, you're living proof that the things you teach and talk about are real. Right. Like, there's someone right next to me right now who's living proof that you can accomplish anything, that you were washed up in your mind. You were a has been. It was over. I have so many things I believed about myself that I hear people go, I'm too old. And I go, how old are you? 21. And I'm like, what is wrong with the world? Like, no. You're fine. Mhmm. I don't think anybody at 95 is too old to do something really cool in their life. Do you struggle let's go see some things about you. Like, it's hard to move off that, just to be honest with you. Like, I'm actually right on the verge right here. I'm trying to not do what you're doing. So, I'm waterworks, so I can keep us going all day. One of us have to not be. Right? It shouldn't be my turn, by the way. I should be allowed to. On the inside, I certainly am my audience knows me well enough too. By the way, I I I I must tell you that it's just it's remarkable to me the way that you just articulate it too. It's so beautiful. But, you though, let's talk about you for a minute because I think men can relate to what you're gonna talk about here in a minute too, but, really, women can too. You strike me as I've gotten to know you a little bit that you still do struggle with some of these things, whether it be your maybe even which is amazing, but even some of your own confidence even to this day. Is that is that true? And and how That's true. Tell them a little bit about that part of you still and how you navigate through. Confidence is something that I think everyone when you walk into a space, you can feel somebody really confident coming out of that space. And when I help people, whether it be with horses or with anything that I help with, the first thing that I find is that they believe something that's so wildly untrue about themselves, and it's so deeply ingrained in themselves that they just they they can't get away from that belief of themselves. Mhmm. And for mine, it was I'm too old to make a comeback, or I'm too injured to get to the gym, or, you know, I've already accomplished all that I can accomplish anyway. Or for me, it's like, oh, well, I always need to have a six pack and be in perfect professional athletic shape. Mhmm. And what's so untrue about that is how many people would love to have my body type? How many people would love to be in my position? How many people, if dealt my hand, could play it so much better? Mhmm. How many people, you know, if you just take a look around at people that I'm able to help, you know, I've I've helped people that weren't even able to leave their home Really. That just need inspiration to be able to they were, you know, in such a place with their obesity that they're not able to even stand up. How do you tell that person that you don't feel great about your body? Mhmm. How do you tell that person that you're not able to take advantage of all the opportunities in your life? Right. There's always somebody in your position. There's people that I've met with, without limbs Yeah. Limbs Yeah. That are doing more than I've been able to accomplish. Mhmm. So in your position, what are those things that have tied you to that thought that have kept you from where you're going? It's like the elephant tied to the chair, you know? Yes. Yes. Why is it the elephant can just walk away? Yeah. And and he's getting so used to believing he can't. He stays right there. Right. Let's talk a little boxing. We gotta go there. We'll talk some family. Let's talk some boxing. So I'm curious. I'm a bit I'm a big boxing fan. So when you became on my radar was during the Super Six tournament. Yeah. Okay. So, that was, and they called that the the the super middleweight division at the time, correct? Yes, the middleweight. One hundred and sixty eight pounds. But basically, I'm paraphrasing. Showtime got together and said, let's just find the best one in the world. They put the six of you in this tournament. It ended up being a seventh dude or something. Wasn't Jermaine Taylor in it originally or what happened? Well, there were guys that, like, guys would get knocked out or get injured and then they replace it. Like, guys, that was court was always six. So, again, you had Kessler. You had Frocked or Frock, whatever they call them. There's some there's some dudes in this tournament. Right? Yeah. And you ended up winning that tournament. I'm curious. When it started at that level, was that a new level for you? And, like, did you have fear? Like, did you wonder whether you were the man of those six? How'd that work for you? I had to drop everything. We went we got in the car, got back to San Diego, flew to the Bay Area, literally dropped my family off, packed a bag, double ear infection, got on a red eye, went to Germany and was there the next morning to announce the second leg of the super six and was this close to not being a part of it. That's crazy. And the way they filmed it, everybody By the way, this was so perfect. All this twenty four seven stuff you see now, this is kind of the original of that, and it was so well done. It really changed to some extent how boxing was promoted on either Showtime or HBO too, the way they laid it out, but I watched it closely, and you weren't the dude they were sort of steering the cameras towards in the beginning. I mean, it was really interesting. It was the other guys that I've mentioned before. And I remember you won, then you won again. I'm like, oh, this dude's got a chance to win this whole tournament. So so either every one of these fights, just curious, when you went into it, I I just wanna know how, like, a world class person thinks or doesn't think. You're there at that thing in Germany. You see these other five dudes. Are you like, I'm a win this tournament? Or I've always had that belief. Like, my career was my professional career was guided, very meticulously, you know. The powers that be, the networks, the suits, the promoters, like, they they want bang for their buck. They wanna make the most money as quickly as possible. And I had opportunities to fight some of the guys that were in the tournament maybe a year or two earlier. And it was for more money than I'd ever seen and, you know, great opportunity and, you know, I called Verz, like, man, they're gonna give us, you know, 600,000. And we get to fight on, you know, HBO and this and that or Showtime. And he said, no. No. He said, hold on. He said, I understand that, you know, if we say no to this, internally, there's gonna be some blowback. But he he said, you know, when we fight these guys, I want you to be a full grown man, and and I want you to destroy him. Like, I don't want, you know, no I don't want you to be barely winning or barely eking by. Mhmm. And we did that, like, two or three times before the super six happened. Okay. And we get blowback, and some of the blowback spilled publicly. Mhmm. Where fans are saying, oh, you know, Ward, he's a gold medalist, but he's moving too slow. And that's the heat you take. Yeah. That's the bull's eye you have on your back coming in with a gold medal. But in Germany, I really saw what the intent was. Mhmm. You had Mickle Kessler who was Mickle Kessler at the time. He was, like, 42 and one or something like that, but, like, I don't know how many knockouts. He had more knockouts than I had fights. Fights. You had Karl Froch Yeah. Who was from The UK, and you had Arthur Abraham. And then you had the three Americans. Right. Abraham. Jermaine Taylor who was teetering. He was still relevant, but he was teetering on on on kinda being done. You had the young guy, Andre Durell, and then you had the other young guy and myself. And I could tell that everybody that was there, they just looked at us like we were just a token just to be there. Like, these guys will make it interesting. Mhmm. Some namesake, young guys coming up, but these guys, these are the guys that are supposed to win. Yes. And, I took exception to that. Took it personal. I took exception to that and I got on the phone. I called Virgil. I said, man, they don't they don't really expect me to win this. He said, oh, yeah. I I know. He said, it's always been like that. He said, but just watch. Unwavering faith, he's always that pillar. And and again, that jumped off on me. It's already confident, but now now it's personal. Now it's personal. Your physiology changes so dramatically. You go into your Virgil thing. You're in your head with a You can see it. You can see it. You can see it. And at that time, Kessler and Froch were, like, rock stars in their various countries too. Right? They were big names. Every time. I don't blame anybody for not picking us. Like, I probably wouldn't have picked me. I was a young guy. Yeah. I had the gold medal, but I I hadn't done anything as a as a pro. My biggest win was a guy named Edison Miranda who was a beast. He was a top contender. Right? Yeah. That was my biggest win as a professional. So I don't blame anybody for not picking me, but I was also gonna use that as fuel without ammunition as well. I was gonna use it. So he goes on to win that like he wins everything else. This is the thing you said through, I just wanna hear everybody everyone just hear things I hear that I think are important. I do think that there are times in your life where if you don't jump on an opportunity, you will regret it the rest of your life. That there is timing to when you win. There are moments, and you've said this a few times where Virgil said this to you. And for a lot of you that are chasing what you're chasing, you may get fatigued at that chase, but there's gotta be this part that goes, if I don't jump on this now, this may never come again for me. So your timing is so critical on winning the super six tournament was a huge catalyst. Now let's talk some boxing stuff just for me because I wanna know some stuff. Okay. I'm curious. When you I I told you I was gonna ask you this, and you haven't told me the answer, so I'm curious. Forget the training part just for a second. We're gonna get to that. You were getting wrapped. You're about to go out Yeah. Okay, for a big fight. You're getting wrapped up. I'm sure Virgil's talking to you. You're going through whatever your game plan was. What goes through you? Is there honest emotions here as a fighter? See, the thing about boxing to me is that it's different than every other sport. UFC has some of this as well, but the combat sports. This is a man and a man. Mother and mother. I think people forget this. Like, even when you bat as a baseball hitter, there's another dude coming up after you. Yeah. If you ground out, the other dude could get the hit. Right? This is a man and a man, And I'm just curious, when you have that happening, you're gonna look at your physiology change again. Right? But I'm just curious, like, when you're getting wrapped at that moment, what's going through you emotionally? What do you what's happening to you at that time? That moment can break a lot of men. You can have a great training camp. Everything could be clicking. You could have a great fight week leading up to that moment. And that moment, as well as the walk to the ring Mhmm. You can lose it. Like, you can lose your confidence. You can let fear overtake you, and you can somehow convince yourself that you're not worthy to be there in that moment. It's almost like an out of body experience. You hear people say, you know, a guy froze or, you know, he didn't he didn't perform or he was a deer in the headlights. Like, that's what they're talking about. Like, you have it's almost like a surreal moment. Like, this this moment that you've been prepping for, talking about, building up to, the world has been talking about, like, it's here. And the fact that it's actually here, like, it hits you in a in a in a different kind of way. Like, you're getting wrapped and you have the commission from whatever state you're fighting. They're coming in, they're checking on you. They're giving they're giving you the countdown. We got forty five minutes. We got thirty minutes. We got twenty. Then they come back in after you get your your, your gloves back on and they and they say, we got five minutes. We're walking in two and a half minutes. And they start to count you down, like, whether you train good or not, that's running through your brain. Thinking about my wife and my kids. I'm thinking about the fact that the whole world is literally gonna be watching me in just a few moments. Thinking about my critics, They got a front row seat. Mhmm. They got a front row seat. Thinking about my supporters and the people that are are riding with me, getting behind me. They got a front row seat. They're watching. They're pulling for me. It's like this like this controlled chaos that's going on, and it's literally an arena. It's it's a it's a with two gladiators getting ready to literally risk it all. Like boxing is the only sport, professional sport that I know of that one loss can change your pay scale. Like it's in the contract. If you lose a fight, your minimums can change. We can renegotiate those minimums. Mhmm. Like, that's what's going through my head. Wow. And fear is very real. Really? Anxiety is very real. It's very present. Mhmm. And all the guys that say, I don't get nervous. Yeah. I don't I I'm I'm Iron Man. They're not being honest. Is that right? Like, that's very, very present, but that's where my faith, New Year's, comes in. And, I start to believe beyond myself. I start to believe beyond the way that I'm feeling. Like, we're called to walk by faith and not by sight. We're called to walk by faith and not by feeling. So, fear is present, but courage is going in the midst of fear. And, I've had 32 fights before I retired. I had to do that every single time. It's not like, oh, this is the twenty fifth time I've done this. It's easy. Mhmm. Because one punch can change your pay scale. One punch can change your life. And, you're not guaranteed Mhmm. To walk out the same way you walked in. Mhmm. So, all of that is going through your mind running through your body and you gotta channel it. You gotta process it and you gotta believe and you gotta be unwavering. And, one thing I would always do was I would kinda just pace the locker room. And even though my team's in there, even though the commissioner's coming in and out, and again, this is like controlled chaos. Television cameras are in your face, producers are walking around, you hear the crowd, you hear the announcer, I would just talk to myself, it's my night. Mhmm. It's my night. I'm not going home without my belts. Like, those types of things, they may seem corny to some people but that stuff would really lift me up. Mhmm. And, because a made up mind is a hard thing to break. And, your mind has to be made up. Not walking to the ring or when you step through those rubs, your mind has to be made up before you leave that locker room that I'm not gonna be broken. I will not lose tonight. Oh, gosh. You ever get, you ever get there where you're at the stare down and look at a dude and know you got him? Has that ever happened, or is it on a professional level, you just don't know? Does it ever happen the reverse where you're in that state, you're in that faith state, you're in that strong state, and you look, you're like, oh, I got this fool. Has that ever happened? You have to tell me who. Most times, no. Okay. Because as fighters, we can lie. Yeah. Yeah. We're we're good chameleons. Mhmm. Because in a sport of boxing, if you show weakness Yeah. The opponent's gonna pounce. So we hide a lot of our emotions. You know, you got some guys that are scared to death and they they'll they'll they'll put a mask on. There's one time, one time in a 32 fight career that I knew I had a guy at the weigh in, Chad Dawson. You knew. And you even told me who it was. And he by the way, Chad Dawson's a great fighter, but you knew. How did you know him? Why'd you know? He So you get a lot of rumors and you hear a lot of hearsay in training camp. Yeah. This guy, you know, they'll call my coach and I stayed away from that stuff, but my coach always had his ear Mhmm. To what was going on with my opponent. And he would decide on what he would what he wanted to share and what he wouldn't wanna share. The guy, Edison Miranda, that I just told you about, he was sparring with Chad Dawson to help Chad Dawson get ready for our fight. Big fight, Chad Dawson was the the lineal light heavyweight champion, had just beat the the great legendary Bernard Hopkins. Southpaw. The fight before, yes. Tall, rangy. He beat Bernard Hopkins, He's on HBO. Max Kellerman asked him, you know, Chad, what do you want next? I'm minding my own business. He calls my name. I just won the Super Six. He said, I want Andre Ward. He said, I'll fight him in his hometown of Oakland, California. And I'll go down to his weight too. I said, really? And I and I and I like Chad. Like, I supported Chad and didn't see that coming. That was, like, the easiest fight that we ever negotiated right there. And I held him to every single word that he spoke. Every word. Yeah. He come to my weight, my place. So they get into training camp, and because he's losing so much weight Mhmm. His punch resistance isn't there. Mhmm. Edison Miranda can crack. Edison Miranda knocks him out and spawn. Get him sparring. Stuff starts to circulate. Mhmm. Verge comes to me, he said, listen, babe. He's calling me bae. Listen, bae. I'm not saying this to get you off track. We gotta stay focused. We're probably about two and a half, maybe three weeks away from the fight. Maybe about two and a half. Half. He said, I'm hearing some things, man. I'm hearing that that that Edison Miranda, he knocked Chad out. I said, knocked him out. Mhmm. He said, knocked him out. Like, they had to stop the sparring, help him up, and that was it for the day. Now if you're a fighter, like, that's like the worst case scenario. It's one thing if you get knocked out in a fight. Got small gloves on, no headgear, it happened. That's acceptable Yeah. In some respects. In sparring? Mhmm. Nah. Nah. Not if you're the top dude. And, maybe a sparring partner getting knocked out, but not the top guy, not the champion. That was a no no. We started hearing rumors, some kind of process, like, man, he got knocked out. Man, that's crazy. But, in my mind, I'm always very much in my head, especially in training camps, I'm like, maybe they're just floating out there to get in my head or trying to get me off track. And I switched, they said, but don't don't, you know, don't worry about it too much, just, you know, stay focused. We kept hearing stuff, kept hearing stuff. Nothing ever went on the airwaves. Nothing nothing on the Internet. Nothing. Press conference came the week of the fight. I'm thinking, man, I wonder if they're gonna say something. So rumor gonna come out if I'm gonna be asked about it. He's never asked about it. The weigh in comes. Friday, the fight Saturday. I said, now I'm a drop it on him. Now, I'm a drop it on him. We go face to face and his team, they're over there woofing. My team's kind of woofing a little bit And I leaned in his ear and I said, hey, man. I heard what happened in that gym. I said, you better tighten it up tomorrow night. And you just see his shoulders just go oh my god. And he's got this look on his face like, how did you know? I won the fight with Chad Dawson right there. Oh, my gosh. He turned and looked at the cameras, turned back and looked at him before I walk off the stage. I broke him. He just knew. Broke him. That is an awesome story. He got away with it. Don't get it. It's too late. You can't get out of the boat now. Is awesome, man. That was the only time I ever felt like I wanna fight when I get to face it. Thank you for all of that insight of that and what it's like getting wrapped. Like, thank you for I've never told that story before. That's awesome. Well, we're keeping it in whether you want to or not. I'm keeping that one in there. No. We we do as well. You're so soft spoken and gentle. Mhmm. You're such a big strong man. Is this new is this a different you? In other words, even the way that you speak, there's a cadence. You gotta be aware of this. I know it. There's a cadence. There's an ease. There's a pace to it. I'm curious if or maybe you don't even know. Was if I met you twenty years ago, was there did that exist? Was this always your disposition, so to speak, or has your disposition changed as you've been willing to share with yourself all of the emotions that a man should be experiencing? I've I've changed. I have to ask. I would like to ask Alex Let's ask her. What you what you think? He's changed. I've changed. Even as Kate his daughter's here. She's off camera, guys, but I was curious. Even his disposition and because I've noticed that with myself. I've listened to audios of me twenty years ago. I still have a deep voice. I'm still aggressive. I still talk quickly, but there was an edge and an aggression to even the way I spoke that is somewhat different now, and Alexis, you see that. Absolutely. People always talk to me about his whisper. Yes. Yes. This whisper. He talks very engaging, which is Okay. Pulls you in, but that wasn't there. It wasn't to your point as developed as he's developed. I got it. Become more comprehensive. Okay. So those of you that can't hear Alexis, she's saying that he slows down. Even the way that he speaks is much different as he's changed, and I think that's an external manifestation of something that's happened internally within you. It's very noticeable with you. That's interesting. It's one of the things I noticed right away with you was that there's this strong man, visually very strong man who is frankly strong enough to communicate in a very gentle and kind way that's pleasant to be with. It's not off putting to be with. And I just think that all of you should know that over time, I think Jason's an example of just subtle changes you may not even know, but your daughter knows sitting here changes in there. I I had no idea. You said Kate. I'm like, you talking about riding a bike? Yeah. Somebody has no idea. Yeah. It's the way that you you're well, it's welcoming. Yeah. It'll it allows someone to sit with you and, be present themselves. Awesome. And I think when when people become more vulnerable in the way they express themselves, it almost gives you permission in their presence to be that way, so the and the reason I say this is just dawning on me, is that I have a son who's a kind young man. He's a gentle, pretty strong, much bigger than me, much stronger, but I'd like to think that maybe a little bit of that is because the I he was fortunate enough that the former me isn't the one that raised him, but for the most part, it was a guy who had done some of this work that raised him, and I just think it gives people permission to be in your presence. I wanna share something with you and then ask you about it, because I see this all over you. We have a more in common than you might think in that when my left I played baseball when I was done playing college. I was unemployed, just living at my parents' house. My dad gets sober. He goes to his first AA meeting, my dad gets sober. Comes back from the first meeting, says, I got you a job. Turns out it was an orphanage. It was a boys' home, a big one though. My boys were all removed from their homes, or their parents were incarcerated or dead, and, but what I discovered by working with these boys, I was their big brother. I took them to school. I was there when they opened presents on Christmas Day, you know, took them trick or treating. I was there when they got in a fight at school or broke up with their girlfriend or whatever it was. People always ask me, what do these boys want from you? And what I found from them was they wanted me to love them. They wanted someone to love them, care about them, believe in them, and maybe just show them how to live a little bit better. And as I got older and I got into business, people said, why'd you have some success in business? Because that's what everybody wants. All people want you to love them. They want you to care about them. They want you to believe in them. They want you to show them how to do a little better or help them. And I find that that's your over if I distill down your message, the reason I agree with it and love it so much is it appears to me that that's what you do. You know, I'm I'm glad you said that because when I first started the cave over the island for boys, it was just martial arts and discipline. Because although I I rather I always tell men to reset to the lamb. No one wants to be in fight or flight response the whole time when you gotta be tough and mean mugging the whole time. Can I go there? Absolutely. Mhmm. But if I can stay majority of time here, this is where I wanna be. When I start working with the boys, and I was different I was a different guy then. I was all about structure, discipline, toughness, fortitude, and I still am. Yes. However, I want you to be comprehensive. Mhmm. Boot camp programs were very popular, and scared straight programs were popular where you would take Yeah. Kids into school into prisons. Prisons. Yeah. And to get them scared enough to say, hey. I don't wanna act up ever again. I discovered quickly, man, that retraumatizing someone never heals the trauma you experience. Boot camp programs started failing at alarming rates, and I started shifting. I went from just a disciplined program to a place where it's a safe space. And then I discovered that our boys didn't need more discipline. They needed more love. Yeah. Soon as I gave them that, you know, our first program was at Highland Park, Michigan. If I was late, these boys I'm talking about tough kids. They would sweep and clean the room, everything, move the desk out, and they would sit there purposefully so that I could see them and say, wow. That's great. You guys didn't know. They just wanted the affirmation. They wanted the love. Yeah. That's why they act out, and that's what I give them. I give them what I longed for. I'm literally, I became what I wanted, and that's what that's what it is. It's no secret. I became a man who's strong but sensitive, who's compassionate but caring, someone who can encourage you when you need to push through some pain, but also encourage you to express sorrow. We need to apologize to someone. Or feel the grief so that you can do something to transform someone's life. If you're only stuck in just masculine attributes, you can see something wrong, but you say, no, I'm feeling something different. That ain't gonna I won't be a man, so they shy away from that. So true. When we change as men, I say this, and I didn't say you didn't say this, This world will change. You're right. When we can change, like, really become comprehensive, misogynistic behavior, I can go down the line with change. And and that's inside working from the inside out. Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. I'm fired up about today's topic because we're gonna talk about one of the things that I think is the most important things as it relates to winning, and it's one of the things that you can decide you're going to do without any natural giftedness because it's the number one talent you must develop in order to win. And it's not talked about on social media. You're not gonna get it in a personal development tape, in a peak performance program, self help, and any of it. Remember this, the best ability is availability. Did you hear that? The best ability is availability, that you are available to win. Not enough people understand that this is an actual skill and talent. Most people in business or in life, whether it be relationships or the financial part of their life, they're always looking for these little tips and skills that you should develop. How to communicate better, how to be a better listener, how to suppress your ego, how to influence people, how to transfer energy, all these things that I teach, how to deal with failure. But I believe the greatest talent that you can draw a line through all the people who have won, not all the people that went in business or life are unbelievable transfers of energy. Not all of them can close. Not all of them can persuade. Not all of them are great listeners. Not all of them even dealt well with adversity. They did that the majority of the time. But all of them have in common, they developed the talent, and yes, it is a talent. It is a skill of not quitting. I don't think most of you right now that are struggling in your business life right now are giving yourself enough credit for this incredible talent you're developing, which is resiliency, which is the ability not to quit. Listen to what I'm telling you. If somebody has built multiple different companies, I've coached some of the top athletes, entertainers, business people, and politicians in the world. And I'm telling you that even in my own team when I hire people, I look for resiliency and a notch above that is the talent, is the skill of not quitting as the number one thing that I look for. And many of you right now listening to this possess the number one skill necessary to win and don't give yourself any credit for it, which means it's not helping build your confidence. It's not going to the bank of crediting for your identity. And so although you possess this incredible ability that so many people in the world don't have and don't possess, you have it and you don't value it. You don't prize it. You don't give yourself credit for having it. It ought to be where you draw the majority of your confidence from. The ability to say, I don't quit. I'm resilient. I own the number one skill. The number one talent required to eventually win, I already have. I can't quit. You'd have to kill me to get me out of chasing my dream. Right? So number one, I wanna point it out as the number one gift. The best ability is availability. Do you have it? Have you decided to have it? Is it something you're gonna possess the rest of your life? And those of you that do have it already, I need you to take an inventory, be aware of it, and be intentional with crediting yourself as you're listening to this or watching it today into the bank of your self confidence, into the bank, into the deposits you make in your identity because it has everything to do with winning. Every guest you've seen on my show, all the people that I've coached, all have different talents, skills, and abilities. What's the one they all have? The ability to stay present. The ability to stay in the fight, to have not quit. You think, well, that's not a big deal. Really? Because as I've been talking, millions of people made the decision to quit on their dream just as I've been talking to you. The rest of the day, millions more will. Tomorrow, millions more. Every day, literally, millions of people quit on one of their dreams, their dream relationship, their dream business, their dream body. So quitting has become the number one habit in the world by people that end up losing. And I'm telling you, it happens every day, every second, everywhere. Just the fact that while I've been speaking, you're still after your dream. You're ahead of them. You don't give yourself enough credit. Because eventually, what I found, it looks like winning's this huge competition. But every day, every week, every year, every decade as time goes by, you're gonna find that you're competing with a smaller and smaller and smaller group of people for your dream because so many of them will just quit. And by the way, many of them that quit will possess talents, maybe even gifts you don't have. They're incredible ability with people, they're incredible strength, they're incredible brain, and they'll quit with all this giftedness, but you got the talent. You have to learn to distinguish between something that is a talent and a gift. You can develop skills. You can develop talents. Gifts are something you're born with, but the people that I see that win long term are the ones who develop the talents and skills required to win. Business and life's a lot like a pinata. You know, I was at a barbecue, a birthday party for a five year old a while back and they did a pinata. I mean, you've seen the pinata before and it's an unbelievable metaphor for life. In fact, out of we had a call today that that life is like a pinata because it really is. If you look at these kids at these parties, any of you that ever been to a pinata, you can picture it. They got the pinata up there. What do they do? It's just like in business and life when you start something new, a new relationship, a new body, a new pursuit, a new business. Right? What do they do? They take this little five year old and they blindfold him. They blindfold this little guy. Right? And he can't see. He doesn't know where he's going. And then they spin him around. He gets completely disoriented. Right? And then they hand him a bat. It's scary when you watch it. Don't you picture these little kids. Right? You blindfold them. They spin them around. They become disoriented. Does that sound familiar to any of you that are trying to build a business right now? You're completely disoriented. You're blind. You don't know where to go. They spin this little guy around. They hand him a bat and they go hit the pinata. And the pinata is over to the right and they're swinging to the left. They're just whiffing. Right? They're not even in the right direction. And then finally, what do you do? You grab the little guy or the little girl and you turn them and you have them face the pinata. They were completely disoriented. In fact, they were doing more damage to the people around them in the beginning with that darn bat you gave them because they're so disoriented. Lot of damage was done before they even faced the actual pinata. They've been blindfolded and spun around. Right? They're completely disoriented. Doesn't that sound familiar? It's just like building your new business. It's just like trying to transform your body. It might be just like this brand new relationship you've got. And in fact, the people around them are in danger in the beginning when you give these little guys this bat. Maybe that sounds familiar. Maybe right now you're at this stage in your business or you've been there before where there's been more damage done than there's been progress. You know what I'm talking about? The people around you have been more hurt by your new venture than benefited from it. Your relationship with them is not as good. Maybe financially you've hurt them or feel like you have. There's been a lot of damage. But what do we do with these little guys? We eventually take the little girl or the little boy and we point them in the right direction at the pinata. That's when you find Ed Mylett's podcast. You find his teachings, you find his YouTube channel or someone like me and I can point you in the right direction. And then what do these guys do? They take the bat and they're hitting the pinata as hard as they can, and they're hitting it and they're hitting it and they're hitting it, and no candy comes out. And they get tired, don't they? And they just they can't go anymore. So what do you do? You get help and you add a teammate. You add a friend. You take the blindfold off of you, and you get a little help. That help could be a new recruit in your business, a new employee, a new vendor. It might be a new mentor. And we put the blindfold on them. We spin them around, and then they're disoriented. They're swinging it. They're They're not even hitting the pinata yet. They're they're hurting the people around them. Then what do we do? We take them. We point them in the right direction. Now they're following my show or great teachings. And they hit the pinata as hard as they can. No candy comes out. You take another child, new teammate, new recruit in life. Right? But in the pinata says another child, you put a blindfold, spin them around, and they hit the pinata. And they're hitting it as hard as they can, and it feels like no progress is being made. No candy's coming out. Right? And then eventually they're getting it and hitting, they get tired. You think, man, how often they did this pinata? What happens is sometimes the first few kids who hit the pinata, they kinda disappear from the party and start playing somewhere else. Maybe you've had that experience in your business. Some of the people you start with, they may not finish before the candy comes out. They may not be there. They not be there to celebrate. Right? Some of the initial people disappear, and that could cause you to want to quit. But, eventually, what happens with that pinata, even though these kids are hitting the pinata and they're teaming up, they're all working together to try to make this candy come out. It doesn't look like it, but each shot on that pinata is putting them closer to the candy. Even though it doesn't seem like it, even though you can't see the candy, every blow is like a compound pounding effect. That pounding, compounded by multiple people, eventually can create a breakthrough. But what most people do is they leave the party before the candy comes out. That's true in business. Most people quit before the candy comes out. They don't stick around long enough. They they got spun around. They get disoriented. They might hurt the people around. They get pointed in the right direction. They think they're making progress, then they don't. They think they're making progress, then they don't. And eventually, because no candy's coming out, no money, no change body, no amazing relationship, They stop swinging the bat at the pinata. But if you stick around for the party long enough, you know what always happens with the pinata? Eventually, someone hits it and bam, the candy comes out everywhere and everyone celebrates and gets all the candy and dives on it and celebrates. Here's what I'm here to remind you of today. You got to stick around long enough for the candy to come out. You got to wait for the candy to come out of that pinata called your life, called your business, called your body, called your relationships. The vast majority of people in life don't stick around for the candy because they think as they're hitting the pinata of their life, they don't think they're making progress. It doesn't feel like progress. But I'm telling you the number one ability is availability. And if you keep swinging away every day even though it doesn't feel like it, you are getting closer to the candy. You're getting closer. It just doesn't feel like it. You know what I had? I had the ability to keep hitting the pinata in my life to stick around long enough. And by the way, when you eventually win, it's not just you that gets all the candy, that gets all the victory, that gets all the money. Lots of people around you, many of which who you were hurting originally with that bat, many of them who were trying to talk you out of it, they get to celebrate in the candy too. My prayer for you is that you begin to think about this analogy, the pinata of your life, the pinata of your business, the pinata of your body. As you're swinging away, I'm here to tell you, even though it doesn't feel like it, you're getting closer to the candy. And if you can add more people to celebrate, it's okay that you feel disoriented. It's okay that it feels blinding and you don't know exactly what direction to go, just like these precious babies with the pinata. It's okay that you miss it once in a while. It's okay that you get tired once in a while. But as long as you keep after it and you keep pounding away that compound effort of your pounding, I can promise you there's candy someday, and everybody around you will jump on it and celebrate. That's my wish for you. Today, as you listen to me of all the skills I'm gonna teach you, that I've taught you. And if you've not listened to my other shows, I teach about listening, transfer energy, how to close, how to change your identity, how to live blissfully dissatisfied, how to unlock your success code, all of the very detailed things I teach. Today is the most important thing, is that as you learn all these skills, it'll help you with the blindness. Every single skill you learn, you'll see clearer and clearer and clearer. But if you don't develop the talent, the number one skill in the world, which is to keep hitting the pinata and to stick around until the candy comes out, because here's the deal, someone's gonna get the candy in life. There's always candy in life. That pinata eventually always breaks down. Do you want to be the person who was there in the beginning hitting as hard as you could and sacrificing and maybe hurting the people around you and never get the candy? Or are you gonna get something for your pain? Are you gonna get something for your effort? Are you gonna get something for this sacrifice you're making? You gotta get something for this pain. You gotta stick in the game until the candy comes out and then we all get to celebrate. That's what I want you focused on today. I promise you there's a pinata in your life and right now many of you feel blind and disoriented, maybe even hurting the people around you. Some of you are past that phase, and you're hitting your thing hard every day, but there's no candy yet. I promise you there's gonna be a payoff for you. One thing that's a lot of people are listening to this, and they know they've got that thing. They're not working out like they should. Maybe they are in that text thing. Maybe it's that they don't eat the way they should. They don't make the context they should. They're not up as early. They got a thing. But they're winning in spite of it. Right? In spite of it, they've got some winning going on. Because in spite of the fact for many years, Dean, that you weren't as congruent as you wanted to be, you were still producing financial success. Massively. Massively. But what's happened the last four or five years is your life has become a freaking rocket ship in terms of influence. You guys, Dean's been famous a long time. You go back to all the infomercial days. If you're if you've not seen Dean or you hear this voice, it's because Dean was all over television forever. Very successful in that space, in the influence space, the real estate space as he was not congruent in every area of his life. But, man, the last four or five years. So speak to that. If you can solve that thing you got, it's like a football team who's got no running game. Man, if they could just run the football, they've already got a good passing game, their defense is good, they're a playoff team already. But if they could run the football, they're gonna win the Super Bowl. There's always that thing. Right? True or false? So, okay. And I love this question, man. I love hanging out with you, man. And and thank you for everybody listening. I know you have lots of options. So thanks for hanging out with two friends, talking about stuff where I had no idea what we're talking about. So this is really cool. Here's what I know. What happens sometimes I'll tell you what I did for a decade. If we're gonna talk about relationships, I'll be completely transparent. I thought about leaving my relationship every day in my life for five years. It was almost the first thing I thought about every day, not because she's a bad human in any way. There were just it just wasn't the right fit. I'm not an advocate of divorce, but it just didn't fit. But here's what I did for years. I was financially successful. At the time, I thought I was the best dad possible even though I wasn't showing them the best example, but I thought I I'm an engaged father. I coach little league, coach softball. I'm there. I bring them to school, make them lunches, love them to death. I'm a great leader to my team. I'm a good friend to people who need me. So my relationship's off and I'm not congruent. I should be freaking fortunate. So who gets it all? This is where I remember to who? Oh, you want it all, Dean. You want love and congruency and a good dad and financially free, and I remember just thinking stop being greedy if your relationship doesn't work. But really what I was doing it is I wasn't facing something because it was scary to me. It was scary leaving my kids and not thinking of thinking of not being with my kids every single day was like a shot in the gut. And I just ignored it and avoided it, and it grew. It grew to where I didn't become the man that I was supposed to be. Listen, whatever you believe in God, the universe, I believe in God, and I believe God has created you to be bigger, better, and stronger than you currently are. No matter where you are in your life, God wants you to be the woman you were meant to be, the man you were meant to be. And and if you believe in karma, whatever your beliefs are, you are meant to be more. And when you let one of those areas build, it doesn't go away. I don't care how much I try to push it down on the inside. It just kept growing. And you feel that you you like, you're looking away from it even though it's there. And I want you to think about this. When you have to some things are difficult, you might have to face a change of a business, a change of a business partner, change of a job, change in a relationship. The thing that you've been avoiding is growing even though you think it's not. Wow. And it's like got roots and the roots are creeping over into all areas of your life and you don't know and you're working harder, stronger, faster to overcome this and you think you're conquering it. If you're in a relationship that's not good and maybe you go to the strip club or you text on your phone or you do something and you think you're fulfilling it, you're not. You're just letting the roots grow in deeper and stronger and you're working twice as hard to be successful and you don't even realize it. And and here's the way I looked at it. When I decided or we decided to get a divorce and you can use this analogy. You could tell I got some silly analogies. You can use this in any area of your life. Picture your ship is in a in a in a bay. It's calm. The water's calm. There's other great ships in the bay. The weather's kinda beautiful. It's kinda nice, but you know you're not meant to be in that bay. But, man, it just has all the signs where you're supposed to be there. But the only way out of that bay is you gotta sail your ship through the storm that's out in the ocean. You're watching the storm, and you're watching how turbulent it is. You're you're in the bay and it's comfortable, but the only way to your next level, the only way to break through, the only way to get rid of those roots to to kinda crush that thing that's you're avoiding or afraid of is you gotta sail your ship through the storm. You see the storm. It's turbulent. The waves are high. The sky is dark, and you're not even sure because you've never navigated that territory. You don't have a map because you've never been there. You've never experienced it. And the way I looked at it when I was going through a divorce is I was so scared of for my kids, not me being alone, but scared on how that would work out with my kids. That a lot of times I put my ship in the storm, it got bumpy, and I went back to the bay. And I'll tell you, when I finally said, I can't be the man I'm supposed to be staying in this harbor. Even though it's pretty and there's great people around, and it's going through that storm, going through the the changes, the the the navigating of new territory. You're mapping out new territory on the fly, and your ship's going down, and you wanna turn back a 100 times. But there's this moment, and it happened to me when I went through a divorce. There was this moment where I didn't know if I could take it, and I was scared for my kids, and I was having anxiety attacks. But I wanna share with you, there was this moment that my ship landed on the other side of the storm, and it was over. And I was a different human. I was a different man. I looked through a different lens. I had a new map, and I realized I wasn't meant for that other bay. Yes. It was safe. Yes. It was okay. But listen, at the end of our lives, do we wanna be okay? Right? And when I got to the other side, it was this fresh start. I I found a way to be friends with my ex. I found a way for my kids to be safe. I found a way to replace quantity with quality with my children. I found a way to be a better version of me and attract Lisa in my life. And when those roots were gone, this is what I wanna share with all of you for that one area of your life that you know what I'm talking about. As you're hearing this, you're picturing it. And you're going, wow. Nobody really knows that I do that when no one's watching. Nobody knows that I'd like to fix that. No one knows that I kinda BS everybody else and say I'm working on it, but I'm not. I wanna tell you, when they go away, your your sailboat turns into a a a ship with five engines on it. Like, my life exponentially grew. I became a better dad, a better leader, a better friend. I had more compassion, had more empathy. I replaced anger with compassion, and things just, I just became a different person. I mean, I think I was a good man ten years ago, but I wouldn't recognize him. I'm not the same human today, and that allowed me to go faster. And and I just encourage you, you've heard this before, but your next level lives on the thing on the other side of the thing you're avoiding. The other thing you're afraid of. And, Ed, I think I heard you say this. You know, all of us, we we get to learn from each other and listen to each other, and I'll go listen to a podcast when I need a little I'll listen to a little Ed Mylett or watch it. But I remember somebody saying it. It might have been you. It may have been you. But what what drives me to fix those pieces, guys? And I want you to hear this. The business that you wanna scale, start, the relationship you wanna fix or end, the parenting style that you you've gone so long doing it one way, you think it's too late and you gotta fight for it, it's worth the fight. Whatever it is, the fight. I I just wanna tell you, I I picture I've always pictured being at the end of my life and having a conversation with God, and he said, how did it go? Yep. Right? Always picture that. And I always have the fear of going, well, you know, I was in a good relationship. Right? Or things were okay. You know, I was great at my business, great at impacting lives, and I did this, and I was a good dad. What about your relationship? It was okay. Like, I picture saying that to someone where we have this creation given to us, this opportunity, and I feel like this inner disappointment where I'd wanna scream and go, you know what? Damn it. Can I do that over? And you don't get that chance. You don't get that chance. Like, you don't get a do over, and you'd want to. So I put those emotions of my future back on me. Things you've, again, already heard, and I think I heard this from you, Ed, or someone, but I heard someone put that on a whole another level. Could you imagine if God pulled out his iPhone and said, Ed, I appreciate all you've done, and you've served, and you give in that one area of your life. Can I play you a quick video of the man you could have been? That's that's my stuff. Yep. That is yours. I knew I heard that from you. When I heard that from you, Ed, it chain it honestly took what I had been I had been telling myself my last conversation with God. And when I heard that from you, I've shared that and I feel that all the time. And if I didn't, I I wanna share this with you guys and I hope it's relating to where you are in your life right now. If you're looking for what's gonna drive you, what's gonna take you to the next level, how do you move your lighthouse out, how do you wake up compelled again, not just wanna chill, and how do you find that that that that thrive, that that energy, that zest for life again. I just wanna share with you that if I didn't sail my ship out of that harbor, that safe harbor, and go through, I'm not I'm I'm understating what I went through. For for I don't take aspirin. When I was going through a divorce worrying about my kids, I was popping Xanax three days a week because I couldn't control my anxiety. I was drinking a glass of wine five nights a week because I couldn't put myself to sleep. So I'm I'm understating how bad I was for a short period of time. When I was in the middle of that storm, I thought of turning back because I felt so crappy about myself and worried about my kids so much. But I wanna tell you on the other side, I never would have experienced what real love could be like. I I I have love in a way that I wish it for every single one of you. There's nothing I I can even share that compares to having a true soulmate that's got your back, that supports you and loves you and you feel the same, where you don't keep score and you got each other's back. I never would have experienced that if I didn't go through the storm. And whatever that storm is for you, you have to have that compelling future and you have to stay steadfast and realize if you go back to where you were, you'll get more of what you used to have. You know what I'm curious about is do you have any imposter syndrome about all this? You know, as my platform grew, more and more people started listening to me. Mhmm. You know, I was like, man, if they knew how much of this stuff I'm still working on trying to figure out, you know? Everyone's looking at me for advice, and I'm I'm still trying to figure out this or that or the other thing. And it took me a while to accept that God will use my imperfections and the things I don't know and the fact that I'm more like most people than not to connect me with them, that I don't have to be I don't have to have every answer. I don't have to know everything. It finally dawned on me that it's okay, but all that I'm not perfect. You know? They don't have it all figured out. Is there any part of you that's like, god. Why me? Like, I mean, I'm still I'm I'm in my mid twenties. I'm trying to figure all this stuff out myself. Is there is there any part of you that feels that way, or do you just accept the anointing and the calling and you go with it? No. Maybe two times over this last year and two months have I ever decided to, like, you know, let myself have a feeling of why me. You know? It's natural. You know? It's it's super natural. And, you know, a lot of it came with football because I truly love the the game of football. You know? Football was truly my piece away from the world. You know? I would go to practice. I would have so much going on in my personal life in college, like, arguing girlfriends and dealing with class. And I'm probably arguing with my parents about something just being a young college kid. Like, my whole entire life is chaos. But I come to practice for these two and a half hours, and I am at peace. I feel like I'm sitting at the beach listening to the waves, you know, while I'm at practice because I truly love the process of getting better. You know, but to have that snatched away from you, you know, and then have the space where you truly had your peace, and now you're facing your fears in that space and having to overcome that whole feeling, you know, it was it was it was something that, you know, I I I really had to work for. You know? But, you know, I only ask myself why me maybe two times in the whole time, and then I will always just correct myself and, you know, I understand why. You know? I I I truly know that God seen me as somebody who was, you know, doing his work. You know? I was out here, and I don't I don't mean to say that, like, I'm the most spiritual person in the world or, you know, like, I don't remember the last time I showed up for church on a Sunday. You know what I mean? Just my personal life is busy. I I have a lovely church that I do go to back at home in McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania. But, you know, I don't remember the last time that I showed up to church on Sunday, so I don't wanna even seem like I'm this perfect person or I was this perfect person, you know, that God just selected me because I was above all else. And I was like, you said, I'm more like everybody than I'm not. But, no, I was truly doing right by people. I clapped for others while I waited my turn. I learned from the people before me. I supported everyone, and I truly let my heart walk into every room before I did, with no expectations in return, you know, with no expectations in return. That's just because of how I was raised, knowing I was truly a kid that, you know, I I found God within my own personal life. You know what I mean? I grew up, I grew up a Christian kid, and I went to a Catholic high school. You know? And it it was like it was like, you know, within that journey, I had to figure out what this relationship meant to me. And through that process, you know, I actually developed my own relationship, and I formatted all of the goals that I wanna accomplish my life off of that relationship. And, you know, I never asked my I I tried to never ask myself or let myself, you know, get the perspective of why me because I know why me because I was doing the work, and I was I was moving right by by people and, you know, who better than me. You know? And, you know, I don't I don't wanna take credit away from no one else, but, you know, I don't know if if anyone would have, you know, been able to handle the situation like this. So, you know, just thinking about that. Yeah. By the way, you're right. I did the other thing. You know, when you look at god's work in hindsight, it always usually kinda lines up once you look at it. The other thing that's really obvious to me tomorrow, I'll just tell you, is that God chose somebody who could be a great communicator of this message. He chose a guy who's really good with words. And not only are you good with words, but when you say things, there's an energy transfer. There's an impact. There's an emotion when you say things. That's rare when someone's gifted with the athleticism you've been gifted with and clearly the IQ you've been gifted with. To also have the ability to communicate on the fly like you do is a very rare thing, and it's clear that I really believe that you were chosen for this. I just really do. I have to tell you, as a parent, I watched a conversation your mom had. Your mom was at the game and was trying to get to you as I understand it. Is that correct? Yeah. She was it. My mom and my dad. Yeah. I'm just wondering. I asked you how it's affected you or changed you. What about how it's affected the people around you, and their lives or even the way they interact with you. I'm wondering I mean, obviously, the attention you got is crazy. Every athlete and famous person in the world's talking about you all the time. But I've you know, you know this. When you're a college player, it's one thing. You get to the NFL, the world changes around you a little bit. Right? Like, just the way the world responds to you is different. When you're not well known and then you're famous. When you're poor compared to when you're rich. So I have to imagine when you're alive and then you're not for a few minutes and then you're alive again, Yeah. That the way the world treats you might change a little bit. Has it changed a little bit the way the world reacts to you? Yeah. Definitely, man. You know, the first the first way is, people are touched. Like, people are truly touched. And, like, some people, like, people see me, they just wanna hug. Like, people see me, they wanna, you know, tell me a little bit about their story or, you know, somebody that they know or how they were affected or some things that they're going through personally. You know? So, people are touched in all kind of different ways. And, you know, even outside of the situation, people see my mission. You know? People see the mission that I've been on, even greater now. You know? And that's a part of, you know, the blessings, because, you know, within my immediate family, nothing has changed. Like, my mom, my dad, me, my brother, we're all still the same people. You No. Like, this hasn't my mom and dad, once I decided to play football again, they're like, okay. This is what we're doing, and this is what you decided to do, and we're a 110% behind you. You know, like, whichever way it was, you know, they was gonna be a 110% behind me. You know? So my parents haven't changed a bit. They're on my back just like I wasn't calling each. They're not, you know, they're not cutting me any slack. They're not, you know the expectations aren't different. If I still come home and, you know, I spend some time at my parents' house, I'm gonna be taking out the trash, throwing dishes. I'm gonna be active in the living room floor, like, you know. So, you know, my immediate family, thank God, that, you know, everything was still the same there. But, you know, it it has caused a little bit of trouble, you know, within, like, friendships and things like that to where, you know, some people feel obligated to, you know, be around me more or, you know, it it it it's it's all over the place. I try to not focus on it, but, you know, when it's the personal people around you that you grew up with that you wanted to be spending the rest of your life with that you thought would be in your wedding, you know, it has a little bit of effect on you. You know? So but, you know, the people that truly love me and and love me with no expectation behind it are all still in my life. They're all still the same people with me, and we're enjoying life. You know, we all have a different perspective and a different appreciation for life for sure.

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## 9 Mindset Shifts to Escape the Achievement Trap | Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBVTABcq0Vg
- **Published:** 2 weeks ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, now on with the show. K. Welcome back to the show, everybody. It's so good to have you here with me today. And what we're gonna talk about today is something that I bet you've never had discussed with you before in your life. And, you know, there's all kinds of different addictions in life. You know, we can become addicted to alcohol, or we can come addicted to a person. We can come addicted to drugs. We can come addicted to gambling. And all of those are really well known addictions. There's one addiction that I see become so prevalent in our culture today that I do not see being discussed in the business world or in the personal development, the self help world because it's sort of a scary topic to touch on. And so what I wanna talk about today is achievement addiction. And I know that may sound like an interesting thing coming from somebody whose show is all about you know, achieving your dreams and making great things happen in your life and changing your life, but there can become an addiction to achievement that becomes very unhealthy. And one of my concerns about so many of you that are involved in the, you know, the podcast or personal development world is that you begin to miss the forest for the trees and that you begin to become addicted to achievement in a way that is unhealthy. You know, all kinds of studies right now. If you write this down, just remember this phrase right now, process over product. Then if you're always focused on the product you're producing and the achievement that you must have, you lose focus over the process. And what happens oftentimes in life is we become so focused on the fruit of our life. We become so obsessed with the fruit that we wanna produce in our life that this takes all of our energy and focus away from building the tree that could actually produce fruit for a lifetime. We become so addicted in the finish line in the achievement. This addiction to achievement that it becomes incredibly unhealthy to our long term mental health and also our long term wealth accumulation, our long term building because we don't learn the process of delayed gratification, and we don't fall in love with the process of doing something great in our life as opposed to always being addicted to the product. And this achievement addiction become incredibly unhealthy. It can become unhealthy because you delay all of your bliss in your life until you get to particular destinations. Once I get this achievement, then I'll be happy. Once I get this relationship, then I'll be happy. Once I get this amount of money, then I'll be happy. And this addiction to the finish line keeps all of the bliss in our joy in our life into the future. There's there is a way to be blissful now and still being productive. The other thing that happens when you're addicted to achievement is that you become it it can very carefully, insidiously become a perfectionism addiction where you think everything you have to do has to become perfect. That can cause paralysis. That can cause you I'm talking about analysis paralysis. That can cause you to not wanna take risks or take steps or step into the unknown because it's all about the achievement. It's all about the finish line. This can lead to a life that's really not very harmonious. All kinds of data tells us right now, and I've said this, you know, previously, that actually the brain produces more of dopamine, which is our joy chemical, our pleasure center, the pleasantness in our life. We produce more dopamine during the process of achieving something than when we actually get to the actual finish line of the achievement. Brain studies now show us that when you get to the end and you get to the dopamine, it actually falls off the charts downwards once you get the achievement. And then you're left wondering, is this all there ever is? You know? Is this as good as it's ever going to be? And if you do that enough times, you repeat this achievement addiction pattern. Once you actually get to the achievement, if you do, and it's a very unhealthy way to get there, when you get there, it's not all it's cracked up to be. And eventually, you and your brain go, this just isn't worth it anymore. And you stop the journey. You stop being willing to do the work that you once did. You may need to ask yourself right now. Are you really working like you were working when you were starving and hungry if you're no longer starving and hungry? Hungry? Because there was something beautiful to those days where you didn't have any achievement, wasn't there? In fact, in some strange ways, the hardest parts of my story of when my water was turned off and, you know, and we didn't have electricity in my house and cars were repoed, and I had had a home go into foreclosure. In some odd way, there was a happiness there that I don't even have now in my life because I was so enthralled in the process of my life. You know, some of the most happy people in the world are the most happy when they're just so involved in process. Why? Because process focus keeps you present. There's all this stuff in personal moment. Be present. Cause yourself to be in the present. Don't be in the past. Don't be in the future. The truth is all there is is the present. And when you're focused on something that's the work you love in your life, the actual work, the actual dedication to the the process, you're fully present. The minute you take your focus to the achievement, you're no longer present and you're focused in the future. This can lead to anxiety, worry, frustration, and addiction that's unhealthy. It can lead to sacrificing lots of other things in your life that matter on the way there. I'm not for a minute saying, don't bust your tail and do something great. That's don't misconstrue what I'm saying. Because I don't believe you can actually enjoy inaction and rest unless you know what it feels like to be completely active in busting it. For me, I only enjoy inactivity after massive spats in my life of full activity. Then and only then can you appreciate rest and enjoyment and unplugging. A life of being unplugged, a life of no process, a life of no achievements, a life of no expansion of your being is a wasted life. I'm talking about nuance here. What I'm saying is that you get so addicted to the achievements that you constantly delay your bliss and your happiness at the expense of other human beings in your life. And secondly, when you get there, you're waiting for all the dopamine then rather than falling in love with what you do to get there. This is not a message about fall in love with the journey. Sure. That's part of it. I'm talking about falling in love with the process. And what's happened to a lot of people is they've become conditioned in their life. There's this conditioning that it's all about the achievement. Why is that? Because that's what we see. We see on ESPN. What do we see? We don't see the entire game of baseball or football or basketball, whatever the sport is. We don't see them practicing. We don't see them lifting weights and stretching. We don't even see most of the stuff that happens. We only see the highlight. We only see the home run. We only see the great catch. We only see the touchdown. Right? We only see the goal. We only see the dunk. We only see the three pointer to win the game. And so we become highlight real and achievement addicted, thinking that's all that matters. Not only is your brain not work that way, your life won't work that way. And I worry sometimes in this space, this business personal development, self help space, that everything's pointed to the achievement, and this becomes an unhealthy addiction as opposed to addiction to the things that can be healthy in our lives. There's also this addiction to accumulation, That some of I can accumulate enough things, if I can accumulate enough awards, if I can accumulate enough money, if I can accumulate enough cars, if I can accumulate enough conquests, if it's a woman, accumulate enough man or a man, accumulate enough women, if I can accumulate, you know, a jet, I can accumulate things. That somehow if I can just accumulate a bunch of stuff that somehow that's an achievement, and I'm gonna enjoy my life and feel better. And just remember this in your life. You cannot take it with you. You cannot take these things you accumulate with you, but you can leave it here. And what I mean by that is somebody who's accumulated a lot of wealth in their life, I can tell you. I want you to accumulate wealth. I want you to accumulate success. I want you to accumulate awards. I want that. But this should not be your obsession. Your obsession should be the work you do in the process, the people's lives you change in the process. That, you can leave here. See the award, the money, the jet, the house, you can't take that with you. But the lives you change, the difference you make, the consciousness you shift, the difference you make in your own family by being the one, the difference you make in other people's families by the work you do in your business, your life, your your good works, that you leave here. Life's about being in the full present moment, every moment you possibly can be. And then when you're no longer here physically, you leave these things here and they reverberate into history. The ripple effect of the works you do. That's something that's blissful when you're addicted to it. But the actual achievement, not so much. And so I want you to really evaluate this idea of accumulating things in order to be happy as opposed to being focused on what you need to do to change other people's lives. The other thing I wanna share with you too is that one way to get out of this is to begin to compete. I like to almost, like, gamify my life where I'll compete for different things. I'll compete in the gym every day. So it's not about how big's the bicep or how ripped are your abs or whatever your body fat might be or your weight or all that. That's an achievement. But to fall in love with the process of actually working out and actually competing to get stronger and faster, competition is a great diversion from the unhealthiness of achievement addiction. And so I really want today for you just to sit back for a second and ask yourself, what does make me happy? Right? What does make me happy? And am I spending am I thinking I'll spend 99% of my time kinda grinding. But when I get to that achievement, man, that's when all my happiness will happen. Or is there a better way to live? Can you actually fall in love and enjoy the day to day process, the ups and downs of your life? You know, I'm convinced in my life, I made a decision. I don't want a merry-go-round life. I want a roller coaster life. Most people will choose a life of the merry-go-round. It just keeps going in the same circle. You get on that merry-go-round, you go about one time, you start seeing the same things, don't you? And it comes back around again, and you see it again, and you see it again, and you see it again. It's nice and calm and slow with that goofy music, and it just repeats itself in a circle very slowly. Little ups and downs as you just go in the circle and see the same things. That's a merry-go-round life. And if you're listening to me right now, you have decidedly chosen you do not wanna live life on a merry-go-round. You've decided you want the roller coaster, the ups and the downs and the butterflies, and your stomach goes all the way up. Right? You know, it's just whoo, and the screaming, yay. And you're scared. That's the journey of life that produces the most bliss is actually the roller coaster life. But I think too many people think, I just wanna get off the roller coaster, right, and get to the end of it and achieved that I finished the ride. And I'm telling you when you finish the ride, that's when all the butterflies go away. That's when all the joy goes away. That's when all the bliss goes away. The joy and the bliss is in the ride, even the ups that are going, and you know it's coming. You do all the way down, up and down. I don't want a life that avoids ups and downs. I want the roller coaster, but I wanna decide I'm gonna enjoy the process of that ride. So you can make two choices. You can choose to get on the merry-go-round. And if you're listening to me, you don't wanna be on the merry-go-round. If you're listening to me, you either chose consciously to live a life off of the merry-go-round like 99% of the people do. Same life, same pattern, same conversations, same vacations, same nothing, no growth, no experience, no memories, no joy, no life. That's 99% of people. So you're listening to me. Either you've decided I wanna get off the merry-go-round or you've gotten off of it. But the other mistake and choice you can make is this up and down thing, I just need to get to the end, to the finish line, to whoo, rides over, and then you get off, and you go, yeah. Wasn't that awesome? Right? Wasn't that awesome? That's a mistaken choice. That's the achievement addiction. The right addiction, I believe, is the nuanced one in the middle, which is to accept you've chosen a roller coaster life. And the people around you have chosen to be with you in your roller coaster life, and it's to make sure those people around you get what they need as you ride your dream and you ride your roller coaster. And that you get what you need, which is the bliss and the happiness and the fulfillment and the contribution that comes with the day to day riding of that roller coaster in the process and not waiting for all of the joy for the end of the ride. And so please guard against achievement addiction in your life, and I'm really hopeful that today helps you really hear something you've never heard before and cause you to begin to think. Every week I'm producing content, I want you to begin to hear it when I'm doing these interviews through this idea that you're not here to just accumulate and accumulate and accumulate because you can't take it with you. But you can leave the people that you help, the difference you make, the vibrational frequency you change, the consciousness you shift in your own family, in your own being, and the lives of other people. You can leave that here, and I sure would appreciate it. And I know your family would, and I know you will if that becomes your obsession and your addiction. So you go away and you come back. Mhmm. And I'm just curious, like, does the anxiety manifest itself in any area? Like, could even be, like, coming here today? Or Yeah. It does. It does. So you'll still you'll still and what does it look like for you? Like, I don't really wanna do this, or I'm not good enough to do this, or how do I get out of doing this, or, like Oh, no. I mean, I yeah. I definitely well, it could manifest in all those ways, actually. Yeah. Me too. That's why I asked. I, I think it's definitely kind of comes back to this, like, worthy worthiness wound. Wow. It's amazing for you. I know it is pretty crazy if you think about it because of all that I've accomplished in my life. And and I but I do think that that's why I was so adamant about accomplishing so much because I felt like I had to in order to receive love. Me too. And and and when you really boil it down, especially for myself, ultimately, at the end of the day. Mhmm. And so now it's I I feel like that's definitely quieted down a lot. And I like I said, I can stop myself this morning and be like, no. We are like, it's all okay. Like, you can have all the anxiety and all these feelings of unworthiness, and you can still show up, and you're still going to for me, it's like, just I just ask, like, you know, I trust that whatever needs to come through will come through me and It is. And thanks. And that's what that's the thing. Like, you just for me, I've learned to kind of move that piece of me just to the side, not, like, out of the way completely. Just move it to the side. Tell it it can be there. Like, you can have your space in me today. Like, you can be right here, and I'm also with you. There's another part of me that's here too. Mhmm. So it's a bit of compartmentalizing and at the same time, allowing it to be complete. Like, I, you know, for me in the past, like, I used to never have stage fright, never have anxiety. Mhmm. Like, when I was a kid, I was just I felt superhuman. And until I once I started to see my humanity, it changed everything. All of a sudden, I had anxiety. All of a sudden, I had stage fright at times. Like, I realized About when was that? My humanity. It started I would say it started, right, maybe around '28. Yeah. 2728. Mhmm. Me too. For me, it was when other people started to criticize me a little bit. I wonder Yeah. That's exactly when it happened. Mhmm. My husband and I have been married for twelve years, but we went through, you know, pub very public affair. And, I mean, the press is just brutal, and especially for a woman and especially for a young woman who they built up to be America's sweetheart forever. Yeah. And so it was, like, the ultimate story for them. Mhmm. And that's when I started judging myself through other people's eyes. And one day that did switch. And, like, maybe '32 or '33, I realized, wait. These are people's projections onto me. Like, I don't have that's not who I am. Mhmm. You know? My my mistakes, I'm not my mistakes, and I'm not I'm not who they say I am. And I think that it took me it took me doing a lot of soul searching to recognize who I was in order for that not to be projected upon me. It's very good. Yeah. Same with me. Yeah. It's intense. It's an intense role. Yes. And by the way, this manifest, this projection from other people manifest in your life listening to this, maybe the same way it does for Lianne and I Lianne and I, but maybe differently. Maybe you're living someone's projection in your life. Yeah. Your parents projected a particular career on you Totally. Or beliefs in yourself or what you are or are not good at. They projected it onto you, and you've adapted it, and that's how you live your life. Yep. And so a lot of our lives, there's this whole thing, are we living in some ulterior dimension? You know? We're not. But we are oftentimes just living other people's projections. Mhmm. And and for me and you, it was like, wow. We were sort of achiever, achiever, achievers, and then criticism. And then I started to sort of look at myself as if maybe I've been fooling myself the whole time. Mhmm. You know? Maybe Maybe I am that horrible person they say. Maybe I am. And maybe part of those Maybe some of it was true. Maybe some of it was true. And that's some of it, I was like, oh, I can see where I was kind of an asshole at that moment in time. You know? Like, oh, I didn't, you know, I didn't take others people's feelings into consideration when I did blank, whatever it may have been. Mhmm. I can look back now and go, oh, yeah. Like, there were parts of that that were true, but that's not totally that's not who I am. Me too. Yeah. My way out I'm curious what some of your ways are. Let's talk about some tools out for you. Yes. What works for you? Ice baths. No. I'm just kidding. We were just for everybody. We were just talking about how much we can't stand ice baths before the show. Yeah. It's definitely not ice baths for the two of us right now. That's so dang funny. That's so true. I I, for me, the hardest thing I'll tell you something interesting because I've been in front of people. I conflated two things too. I conflated, like, love with significance. Mhmm. When I did significant things, I felt loved. So if I would just keep doing significant things and sometimes in life, these things also work for you. Like, one of the reasons you were so successful is because you did make this. And then you're oftentimes in life, if something works for you a little bit, it's really scary to give it up entirely. Mhmm. Because you're like, that's part of my recipe. If I don't have anxiety or worry, maybe I won't practice as good or I won't be on my a game. And so there's a nuance to life. That's the hard part about podcasting or writing a book. It's like, there's a nuance Yeah. To something. But for me, the hardest thing that is now the most beautiful thing is what you just said earlier, me being alone with me. Mhmm. I realized, like, maybe it's different for a woman, but maybe it's not. But, like, for me, like, I never even just stopped and really just, like, looked at me in a mirror. Mhmm. Like, just not I'd look at, like, is my hair messed up or something. But, I mean, just like, I love this man. Mhmm. I've, like, I've never done I had never done that. Like, I I love this man. He's a good man. I never would stop. I was just doing life. Mhmm. And then this idea of, like, getting alone with myself and being quiet and, like, just being with my breathing, and these were so difficult for me. And when they were difficult for me, I thought, well, maybe that's because it would be so valuable for me if I could do it. And so for me, forms of meditation have helped me a lot. Sometimes, like, actually writing for me can be a form of meditation. Yeah. Absolutely. Has it what's worked for you? Like, if you were to share with somebody who says, I got anxiety. I got worry. I got fear. I got anger. What has actually worked most of the time? Yeah. I mean, I think that piece of creativity is super important. Mhmm. I mean, we're all creative beings. Like, that is our nature. Yep. And I think until we nurture that nature Mhmm. And find a way of doing that, like and I think what's so interesting too is we are all so unique. Like, what works for one person will not work for the next person possibly. And, you know, it it's just you have to find your own path with it. So I I dip in and out of things all the time. Meditation is pretty much a nonnegotiable for me Mhmm. Even if it's five minutes Me too. During the day. I just need to sit, breathe, and, you know, I'll take in an inhale and, like, and do it, like, double time, double longer XL. Mhmm. That usually will help my anxiety a little bit. Mhmm. But, yeah, I mean, I've really gotten into recently, working a lot with my physical body, like, balancing my hormones. Like, I've I kinda went from at the beginning meditation and breathing to now, like, going running the gamut of pretty much everything you can think of. Me too. But, you know, physical, mental, spiritual, like, emotional, it's all important. You can't leave one out. Mhmm. You really can't. Writing, I think, you know, has been such a a big thing for me also creating. And I, yeah, I it's interesting that you just said because something clicked for me. You said, that, you know, we get projected upon, like, the things we're good at, things we're not good at. I think leaning into the things I've been told I wasn't good at. Like, I I I don't like to dance. Like, it really I do not like to move my body, and there was I think that also has to do with, old, religious programming too. Mhmm. But it's I had this whole thing around. Someone told me one time that I was a better singer than I was a dancer, and I stopped dancing. And which, by the way, like, I I might have been a fine dancer, but if you're gonna tell me I'm better singer I mean, I'm Yeah. Like, I'm Yeah. I was exceptionally good at singing, so I, like, I couldn't dance that well too. But, yeah, I felt like I just stopped doing it. And so for me, finding what those places are that feel really uncomfortable, And even if it's for me putting one song on and, like, moving my body Mhmm. Freely is in when I do that, I'll bawl. Like, I'll bawl, and I'll have so much joy at the same time. And then I I'll stop. I'm like, okay. If that's that's kind of my threshold of how I but how I lean into those things. But I I feel like it's finding those places for people that are scary Mhmm. And walking into them. And they don't have you don't have to just, you know, run and jump off the cliff. Like Yep. Just dipping a toe into things to expand who we believe ourselves to be. Yeah. Like, it just it opens our lives up in every other aspect, not just that one little space, but in every other aspect of our life starts to change. You're so right. That's where I wanna go to. You're, like, doing the interview for me. But, like, I tied up my identity into everything outside of me Mhmm. All of my life. So, like, if I made money or I got a muscle or whatever it was, it was my identity was always tied to the external. Mhmm. Man, it worked for me for a long time. Yeah. It does. It works. It works. But it like, when I got wealthy or whatever, like, I it never was quite what I thought it would be when I would get there. Mhmm. And I think it was because I had I had tied it to the external instead of, like like, I I just love this work. I love doing this work. So you had to have had your identity completely tied up in being famous or being a singer. And did you have you unpacked that at all? Like, someone listened to your identity could be that and stay with me. Your identity could be that you're a mother. Yeah. Well, someday, by the way, someday, you'll be an empty nester. And then what? Right? So so it could be anything out there. But did you you must had a lot of that. You're still tied up, into a certain extent around my voice. I I went through this few days the other day where I was thinking, like, what could I live without? And when I really live without? Yeah. Like, could I live without my voice? And that was one big one where I was like Mhmm. I don't want to. Mhmm. But if I had to, I guess I would have to, and I should've just looked up at the sky. I was like, don't do that to me. Please. So, you know, this is not an invitation Let's not prove it. To test that theory. Right. But I, you know, I there was, like, my wedding it was interesting things. Like, my wedding ring, like, was real is really important to me. And, yeah, it's random little things that I was like It's a powerful question. Yeah. It was and it was like, okay. Well, maybe that's because of how important, like, relationships. I was told how important relationships were at a certain age. You know? Like, well, how are these things how are why why are the the few things that I wouldn't really wanna let go of? Why are they so important? So I went through that for a moment, and my my voice is definitely one of those weird things when you're born into this world with something like that. Mhmm. And, you know, as you get older, like, things shift and change, and I know that I'm not gonna be doing this my whole life. You know? I mean, who knows? But, I mean, I I at some point, I I feel like I want a different experience. That's been the new thing for me too is that that whole term different experience, especially when shifting things. It's like, oh, I want a different experience. What's a different experience look like? Mhmm. So it's been something I've been playing with. And I know for me, like, I will want a different experience one day than being on the road. Yeah. So and I don't know. I mean, I've I've had moments like look. COVID, you know, gave us an opportunity Mhmm. To kind of, untangle from Yep. All of those things that we were attached to. And I did for a moment, and I was I was okay with it. Mhmm. I was okay with it. I I think look. I, you know, I just released an album. I, I haven't ever I don't even look at charts anymore. Like, I don't know what what it did. I I really don't. And I maybe it's part of that self preservation, and also part of it though is is not the reason I do it anymore. Right. Like, the reason I do it is to connect with people and help shift help them shift or help them question. And it's really yeah. It's it's so interesting how my reason for doing things has shifted. Changed. It really has. What was someone listening to this and they just said, hey. I'm I'm curious to hear I saw you on a stage. I don't remember whose it Bennett was. It was Lewis's. Oh, yeah. Lewis, I swear I met you. Yeah. Yeah. And, I had to go up after you, I think. You did? I think I had to go up after you. I was like, I'm not I've I rarely have ever had that feeling like, I don't wanna go up after that because the room was so moved. I just thought she's gonna be doing this too. Thanks. Like, what meaning this meaning, like, leveraging this gift she has, but it was much more like direct approach. It wasn't like just enjoy my work. There was a message Mhmm. Spoken message, some chanting with it. Mhmm. I'm just I I I'm surprised you haven't gone further down that road. It's something I want to do. Yeah. Well, maybe today is the beginning. Yeah. No. Right. It is. When I it's funny when you when you asked me to come on here, that's what I thought about. And I remember you saying to me, you came up after, and you were like, you've never done this before. Right. So I had such a I was going through this whole thing with with Lewis. I'm like, I don't speak. I speak during my shows, but, like, this is you're asking me to give a speech. He's like, just come do it for, like, ten minutes, and then you can sing, and then we'll have a chat. I'm like, cool. I can do that. But it it did give me this bug of this is another way for me to share Yes. And connect with people. And when you asked me to do this, it made me think of that. I'm like, you know what? I need to do that. I've been speaking for thirty years, one time ever. I went I would really prefer not to go up right now after that person and it was you. I'm serious. And it's not because you could sing better than me. I think that's kind of the kid that I was like, no. Something just happened in the room right now that I'm not so sure I can match or do anything better than. And I I'm dead serious when I say that to you. And It's the heart I it's the heart. I mean, I think that I was so open. Yeah. I mean, I walked up on stage and just started bawling because it was I was conquering, and that's what I talked about. I was I hope I cry now. I was conquering a huge fear. Yeah. And I know that that's also the reason why I haven't done more of it, but it's the reason as I'm crying, the reason I know I need to. Which is rather remarkable that you of all people were uncomfortable getting up in front of a group. But the lesson in it the reason I bring it up is the lesson. I made a post Saturday about this. Like, start a new hobby. Right. You said a new experience. Mhmm. That's the pathway to bliss, everybody. That's the pathway, is to do something new that you feel ill prepared for that's a bit scary, but maybe you have some potential proclivity for it. Like, I shouldn't decide that right now I'm gonna start doing three sixty windmill dunks. It's just not a lot of dudes that are my build that are doing that right now. So it's gotta be something that you have some proclivity for, but create a new experience. Like, even if you're great at something, to your point, like, you're you're the best at what you do. But do you want that to be the entire experience of your life? Yeah. Right? Like, that's the juice of life. And so why I was so proud of you not even knowing you that day, and then to watch you just go, wow. But I remember thinking, this is probably something she's gonna do a lot of, and then really you haven't very much since that day. I haven't since then. Well, but also co COVID happened along those lines too. So but it is something that I've I just had this huge meeting the other day with my team, and I'm like, that is that is on the docket of things Good. To to walk into. I'm I did Well, you just got introduced to a couple million more people than you wanted to do it. So that's really good. I did, I did a chant record during Yes. During the middle of COVID because I felt like people just people needed it, which was something new for me. I've never kind of branched out and did that. And then I think that kind of you know, that informed this new record, and I'm also working I'm working on a chant too at the moment. So I'm wanting to create this whole, like, sound experience for people. You guys, when she does this, it's unreal. It's unreal. She did it that day. It's unreal. Welcome back to Max Out. I'm Ed Mylett, and I'm so excited to bring you the program today. The man to my left is literally one of the most interesting men in the world. And at least for me, I can tell you that for today, it's been something I've been looking forward to for a long time to pick this big brain of his. You probably recognize his face and most of you know his name. This is Rob Dyrdek and this is a guy who at 16 years old dropped out of high school. He founded a professional skateboarding league. He's been a professional skateboarder. He's got 21 Guinness World Records. He's a media stud. He's a rock star in the entrepreneurial space. He's a branding master. But most importantly for me, this is a guy who's a tremendous husband and a great father, and we're gonna pick his brain about how he's accomplished all of those things here today. So thank you for being here, brother. Thanks for having me. I I you know, I've seen it in video, and now to experience what it's actually like to be here live, it's it's so much more beautiful and remarkable than than I could ever imagine. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. So let's be honest, man. You've had a pretty interesting life so far. I have. I certainly have. It's it's low weight. To say I've lived a lot of lifetimes already. You know? Do you feel that way? I do. Yeah. What do you mean when you say that? Look. You you wanna be a professional athlete. You have this obsession and pursuit and you achieve that. Like, then you take that and now, like, I wanna, I wanna expand this and be take this into television, and then you go and live this entire television life. All these different businesses and different things. You go from athlete to stunt guy to business guy to father to husband. You know? So, each one of those is a is a pretty pretty significant chunk of life that's completely different than I am today. I wanna figure out how you did that, and I know the audience does too because they see this guy on TV. Obviously, I think, arguably, you're the face of MTV. You know? From by the way, what's interesting about that too is for multiple generations too. Yeah. Here I am at my age, you're the face. And then my kids, you're still the face for them. And so the career has just been unbelievable. And I'm fascinated by you because when I saw you on TV, I kinda had this picture of who you were, which I think is probably accurate to some extent, but then there's these multiple layers of you. Like, there are all people. Yeah. And so what I try to do on the show is get to those other layers. And so let's just start out. How does a dude who drops out of high school at 16? Okay. So there's a lot of people watching this who, you know, don't have advanced degrees but wanna go win in their life, or maybe they're a parent and they got a child who's struggling in school. Did you drop out because things weren't going well in school? Did you drop out because of the whole skateboarding thing? I'm just curious what Yeah. Look. You know? I I'm I dropped out because I just was a a professional skateboarder. Right? Like and I you know, one year in my junior year, I got straight a's for the semester just to show them, like, look. I could it's not even hard for me. It's not even a matter of if I need to do it. This is my dream. This is my passion. I achieved it. I'm now a professional skateboarder. There's no, you know in that year in between that year, I had, went to my first pro contest in Munster, Germany and got fourth place in the world championships. And all my signature product had launched that year. And, you know, I was like, I don't need to go to school. It's just not in my path. I'm not gonna go to college. I'm not gonna I'm going to move to California and be a professional skateboarder. And so even though I don't fully remember this, my mom tells me the story of going in and them all trying to tell me I have to go to school. Like, principals, counselors, everyone, all in one room, and I just, like, convinced sold everybody on, like and they were like, you wanna know what? He probably doesn't. We should probably just let him go. You're already marketing and closing people. Yeah. And so, you know, it was really the beginning of of just let him he's going to pursue whatever he's gonna do on his own, and and you gotta just sorta let him do it. And that's sort of the process that that that allowed me to get out of school. And I still had to go and take a night class, so I got, enough credits to get a diploma. Get your GED or your diploma. Okay. Yes. Is there a difference between a GED and a diploma? Yeah. I think that with the diplomas, like, you still had enough credits to get your Gotcha. To graduate, where a GED would be, like, a I believe, like, a not a formidable, or a complete formal diploma. Yeah. So So how do you get there? How do you get from you get you're you're 16. You drop out. How do you were were you making enough money at the time that you could move to California, or what happened? Here's the thing. In December 1991, I sold one board and got a check for $2. You know? And I needed that $2, you know, because that was all the money I made that month, and I actually broke that up into quarters and went and bought a bunch of sodas that were at a quarter, Doctor Pepper machine. But Wow. You know, I think, you know, even in that era, I would track all my finances. Right? I would say back then when I was 16, I'm a bro I gotta treat myself as a business. And, you know, I want you know, I would got $400 check one month and a 600, and then it was all scattered in that one devastating December where it was, like, $2. And and in the spring, you know, the company was, was growing and was ultimately, like, hey. If you move to California right now, we'll guarantee you a thousand dollars a month. Thousand a month. And I was like, you fly. What? Out of here, man. I felt like I hit the lottery. Like, it was just like, what? Me and a buddy of mine who was who was also about to turn pro, like, jumped in our Honda Civics and shot across the country to, begin our professional skateboarding career in San Diego. That's crazy, man. Yeah. So you get there. I'm just curious. As this is happening, I do because people listen to this because I look at you I think some people look at you as the TV guy. I look at you as the entrepreneur guy. Yeah. And what's awesome about you is there's so many different marketplaces out there that see different versions of you. Some of you see the athlete. Yeah. Some of them see the the branding guy with Whether, by the way, the multiple brands you built from alcohol to apparel to, you know, the the food business that you and I are a part of now. All these multiple brands. And then there's obviously the TV show. There's the producer. There's there's just all these layers to you. Did you see all this? Like, you're 18. Did you were you already kinda like a business savvy guy, or were you a skater professional skater dude in the Yeah. No. I mean, I was business I was raised by entrepreneurs. Right? You you gotta understand even the company that I turned pro for Mhmm. Was guys that I knew since I was 12 that moved back from California who started the Alien Workshop, the company I turned pro with, with my, entrepreneur mentor, who lived in Dayton, Ohio at the time. They all formed that company together. Got it. And then there was a a couple other, guys with them that started other multiple companies that I was a part of. This is all that I watched at 14, 15. So in my mind, this is just what I was supposed to do. So even though I I treated myself as a business and, you know, was watching my finances and all this stuff, I started my first soup to nuts, built my first, like, pure brand at 18. Right? Where soon as I got to California, I did a partnership with a big manufacturing and distribution company, and started Orion trucks. I was reading a book at the time called The Orion Prophecy. You know, I was super into conspiracies and aliens and and I was in my teens and like, I was like, man, like, we should name it Orion. I hand drew the logo. It was like the star with an o around it. I put together, you know, five of the literally the most accomplished top level pros in the world, which then went and got, two guys a piece. And Orion trucks, when it came out, was the literally the the dream team of skateboarding that I had built for this accessory. K. And I did all of that for point 5% of sales. So you you have that kind of going. Like, you got this entrepreneurial fever. You got the skateboarding thing going. And then there's, like, kind of this time. I just want everyone to hear this because as an entrepreneur and as a man, as a person, I should say, there's just false starts in life. Like, you get going and then you don't. You make progress and then you regress. And then I I don't think you're ever prepared for every moment. Like, you weren't prepared for the point five. You didn't know to negotiate the right percentage or any of those things. But right around '24, there's another kind of, like, defining time for you, at least one of them. Doesn't doesn't your team come to you and go, hey, look, we think you're kinda toast now. So what tell them about that. But look. In in in that gap now, I've found huge success. Right? Now I've helped launch the DC Footwear brand and and moved to California and now become a superstar in skateboarding and all this stuff's going in and but, it wasn't fulfilling me. Right? Oddly enough, like, the pressure of of being in the streets and being a pro skateboarder just wasn't like like my angst to wanna do bigger things in business and do other things besides skateboarding became incredibly problematic. I was launching all these different businesses that I didn't know anything about the industries, record labels and and retail stores and all this stuff with this new found money that I had helped develop by creating DC shoes and all the royalty money I was making at this time. Getting hammered on life lessons with taxes, you know, when you first make big money, starting all types of dummy companies all over the country trying to, like, put my money in different places, Nevada Corps and whatnot. Yeah. That's not really And I equate it to this. I lost my way. And along losing my way, I lost the belief in myself. Right? And and when you're have had success your whole life, where you were a young kid, you played soccer, you became a top soccer player, you decided to pick up karate, you become an amazing Taekwondo fighter, you pick up skateboarding, you path straight to professionalism, You're everything first. Companies, everything you do, you're doing like so when you grow up with a deep self belief and everything you do, works, thus building this deep foundation that anything you put your mind to, you can achieve. It's a much more dramatic loss Yeah. When that drifts from you. Right? Because belief becomes a part of your identity. Right. Which is connected to your ability to achieve, which since that's what you've been doing your whole life, you don't know any other way. So when that dips from you, it's a much more painful, more dramatic thing. I think a lot of, you know, big athletes, like, when When it tends, they struggle, man. Or the ones that were chosen ones from from junior high all the way, and they get into their third or fourth year in the league and get hurt or, like, now you don't even understand how to, like, manage your identity because it's had this trajectory for so long. 100 right. And it was compounded when, DC basically told me they thought my best years were behind me and that this would be the last contract. You know? And I think that was and I can I can say it in hindsight and telling the story so many different times of, like, really knowing, like, now it was like you lost the belief in yourself? And at the time, I I sought out a a I was looking for a hypnotherapist. Right? Like, just to hypnotize me, to be a better skateboarder. Right? I was, like, hunting all these things. Right? And, I found doctor George Pratt at La Jolla Scripts. And what he did was this technique that was he wrote a book called Hyper Success, and he basically, did this hypnotherapy to just give your, inner cell your subconscious the belief that it was meant to have great success. And whether it was the moment in time, it was, like, being at the pit, whatever it was, but at that sort of, twenty four years, like, it was that moment of, like, no. You've got to take control of of all of this. And from that point on, I told them at the time, I said, you know, I don't and at the end of this contract, I'll be a completely different person. And then I rededicated my life to, like, skateboarding and and, you know, took all all the way back to, like, top 10 in the world again. And then, like, all the signature products and all the filming and and image and brand and everything just exploded basically from that point, straight into television, you know, four or five years later. Man, it's like usually when I interview somebody, you know, they've accomplished something in their sport and we talk about that. Or they've accomplished something in business and we talk about that. The complexity of what you've done Yeah. I wonder and it's probably even a good thing that you don't always just step back and go wow. Right? But the complexity of and how many times you've remade yourself. Yeah. Because that lesson at 24, that lesson at sixteen, I think there was another lesson when you're preparing yourself, we're gonna talk about later, for finding someone like Brianna, that whole thing. See, I had this really weird thing happen. I'll tell you. When Max was six years old, I was at this car wash. And, there's a really nice guy. I'd see there all the time on Saturday, an old guy. Turns out he's about my age now, but at the time he was old to me. And just out of niceness, he says to me, he goes, hey, enjoy the six year old. Because when he turns seven, the six year old's gone forever. Yeah. And when he turns seven or when he turns eight, the seven year old's gone forever. And you got little kids, you know, man. They just keep becoming these different versions of themselves. Yeah. And I remember saying back to the guy, without trying to be disrespectful, I said back to him, I said, so when did that stop for you? Yeah. And he just stared at me kind of blankly. And he goes, I don't know. And I said, you should figure that out. And what I respect about you is that you have not settled. The the 18 year old version wasn't the same at 24. The 24 year old man doesn't even resemble the 43 year old or the 44 year old or the 24 year old. Right? Just it shifts all the time. I respect that about you. So that happens, and then you go on from there. We can't document your whole life. Let me let me let me let me say this to that too. Right? Because I think I've heard you say before about how you're you're in pursuit of the vision of of, you know, something to the effect of you're pursuing the vision of the man Yeah. That you ex you expect yourself to become. Right? Something to that effect. And I I I would say when I finally shifted to that that in that pursuit of that individual, I also knew that that individual was slowly changing with the experience that I was having pursuing it. Right? Yeah. And it and it's not that it it's this you're pursuing something that's not attainable. It's Mhmm. With experience and knowledge and understanding of yourself because you're on the journey just to master you Yeah. That the more you begin to master you, the more that ideal version of you begins to evolve too. So you're in this sort of relentless pursuit that's clear, that I think at some point it becomes fully optimized. The fully optimized version of yourself is who you will catch up with, like, that won't forever be elusive. And Oh, my gosh. That's good. And and I think, as because we're so similar in that sort of idea, it's the moment I realized that, no, this growth is actually one of your key attributes, like embrace it and and enjoy, what you're able to achieve, but know that that's not part of your makeup. Like the relentless of pursuit is actually your makeup. Oh my gosh, brother. And that changed, it it allows me to not very difficult to look back and reflect because, I mean, I just enjoy the pursuit so much. You know what I mean? Me too. I've had the, in I've had you heard you say about this too. You make me feel really good because although we're a little bit different personality wise, you're probably the most similar person to me that I've met maybe ever. And just that it's even hard to describe, but we're both just so obsessed with this pursuit of growth and change and experiences in life. And one of the things I struggle with is my memory. Yeah. And and I and I know you do. So do I. Right. I know. Like The gift and the curse. It's a gift and the curse. And I think I think maybe one of the gifts of it is I don't remember all my failures to just hold me back and to keep telling all these old stories. Yeah. But I really do have a hard time remembering things. In fact, when I get interviewed, the great gift for me when I'm interviewed is it forces some recall of memories I didn't have before. You have that too. Right? What do you think that is 100. I don't know. I don't know. But just talking it out, thinking about it, right, with somebody else that experiences it, I think it's more gift than curse. Now it it comes back to haunt you when you're trying to, like, remember the details, like, on certain things. And it and it jams you up a where it jams me up at this state is I'm taking in and learning so much at a high level, and then it pushes out stuff that I could really use again when I wanna, use it for another situation, if you will, especially in business. But I also, it's also made me super conscious of stuff that I really want to know, that I want to remember and never forget that I tell myself that as I get there. Right? Meaning when a major moment happens, you have the Engagement, getting wedding, children, like a moment, with children like I'll I when I really even just recently taking the helicopter to Catalina to celebrate, my, three year anniversary, like, I kept telling myself as it were flying over the city and look at the ocean, like, don't like, just feel this. Like like, remember this. Look at this. Remember this. So it's like I have to practice that and those lock in. Right? Yes. That's why, you guys, if I started to try to list for you the amount of moments that he can't remember, but also that have been amazing in his life, some of you, you just would literally it is what he said earlier. It's many, many, many, many, many, many, many lives. Right? And so I wanna touch on some of them where there's lessons, but I just I'm gonna spend most of my time in your brain and in your heart. So but you go all the way from let's be honest. You go from Robin Big. You got Ridiculousness. Right? You got, all of the moments that happened on all of these shows too. Right? Fantasy Factory, like, all of these different things. It's just it's it's bananas. And so And keep in mind, Fantasy Factory was basically a moment generator. You know what I mean? From being attacked by a shark to jockeying a horse for a race to, like, flipping a car for a Super Bowl commercial, breaking a world record, jumping a car backwards, like, getting towed into a giant wave and almost dying, like, all these crazy, crazy, crazy highlight reel that no human being on the planet Earth has. Correct. Right? Is Did you just hear what he said, by the way? Just just slow that down just a second. Okay? A mauled by a tiger, bit attacked by a shark. You kissed a bear on the lips, I think. I kissed a bear. Right? And then It's an easier one. What so let I'm gonna just stay on that just for a second because, like, those are once in a lifetime moments you've had over and over and over again. Right? So Yeah. Stay on that just for a sec. Meanwhile, kicking ass in business. Meanwhile, founding a skateboarding. It's just it's it's like you make me feel small, which is awesome. Right? So And keep in mind too Yeah. They are fully intertwined. What do you mean? Like, I'm I'm negotiating a deal a five year, like, multimillion dollar mega deal with Nike right before, like, I gotta hang up the phone and break a world record for jumping a car ramp to ramp 90 feet backwards. Right? For a giant Chevy integration deal that Chevy's going to do a deal for, being a part of our league while launching, a complete new company. It's like you're taking phone calls in between this sort of chaos and sort of all aspects of your life. That was that was a six or seven year run of doing all this insanity while doing all of your business and normal stuff inside it. So that's maxing out these different areas. The pun is intended. Right? But, like, so there are people out here who use the complexity of their lives as an excuse not to succeed in any one of them. Right? So, oh god, I'm a dad and I've got my business and I got my, you know, soccer league or whatever it is. How did you do that? So if you were to say, here's one of the reasons how I can compartmentalize and win in different areas, what would be one of the keys? Just sheer drive and and relentless pursuit of success. Now the problem with that was is here you are, you know, someone that can do anything. Mhmm. You you end up, you have the ability to do anything, so you end up doing everything, then you end up kinda standing for nothing. Right? So you end up meaning so much to so many different people. You you're not even sure what you stand for, like, are are is your passion business? Do you wanna do stunts? Are you a TV guy? Like, do you wanna be the commissioner of your league? Do you like skateboard? Like, what is like, I had to stop and realize that because my hope was if I just kept doing all this stuff, one of them would show me the way. Mhmm. Right? So and as someone that's so driven and whose gift is execution, the moment you decide to do something, you're gonna do it. I'm gonna do a cartoon and a toy line. Like, okay. I got a cartoon on Nickelodeon and a toy line in Walmart. I got attacked by a shark to launch it. I'm gonna do a new television show. I got this I've read an article with Vinny DaVona. I'm gonna do this clip video show. It's gonna be the biggest thing ever. Like like, you end up doing all of these things and you basically, behind that, there's 20 of them that aren't working that you're putting that same energy of running into the wall with. Right? And and furthermore, it's not leading anywhere since you're hoping one will determine what your future is. Right? And I stopped and and yes, I I would look at myself as this highly conditioned stress athlete, where you could you could put yourself under the deepest pressure and and, you know, take on 50 or 60 things at a time and operate smooth and happy. And but it wasn't until I looked deep within myself and decided what type of life do you actually want. It's easier to do when you're sort of in the midst of failure Totally. Externally. But you did it in the midst of success. Totally. And so this is what it does. Right? It when I finally transition to the the the next level, right, or the or the fully designed version, right, which I'm on my way. Right? Let's say I'm exactly two and one half years into. Then I'll speak about it, and it'll be what I'm known for and what we talk about. Right? Because since I'm in the middle of transitioning in it, when you look at at my body of work, it is, like, so all over the place. You don't even it's so hard to, like, land on what it is because the stunt aspect is is really interesting. You know what I mean? And being a professional athlete and then, like, oh, you jump up and and now now you're doing all these businesses. We're partners together in this super innovative amazing brand. Like Yeah. Like, oh, but then, no, you're still, shooting nine episodes of television a week. You know what I mean? And, like, you're still, you know, entering your, twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth season on on ridiculousness, putting you at ten years and twenty five seasons and 500 episodes of television on MTV. Like, it's hard to put down, like, what does he really what would he be known for Mhmm. When really, you would know me primarily for for MPV if you know business or you've had a conversation, then you're like, okay. This guy is, like, tuned in. Yeah. But my goal is to be known for the life that I created, the life that I lived, and the and, the way that I systematized it and built it, that ultimately people could replicate in their own lives in the future. You know? But, yeah, the example is gonna be bananas. I I actually admire the diversity of your success. It makes It's been a lot of fun. I mean, it's like Brother, come on. I mean and I'll tell you another moment too, man. When I after I got attacked by that shark. Right? Because I'm like, this is so dumb. Like, this isn't even this isn't even gonna be good. Like, why am I doing this? That's every stunt. Every stunt. It's like, this isn't even that this is so dumb. And afterwards, like, no one in the world. Yeah. No one in the world. Alright. But I remember swimming up off of the looking down on the on that boat and stopping as I was swimming up, and there's, like, 50 sharks swimming around telling myself, just look and and soak this into your mind because you will never be back in your head. You know? And and I have that, to go along with the great photo of that, like, shark on my arm. You know what I mean? Like but that For all the achievers, though, and for me, like, I just want you to know something. You take you mentioned it, but I gotta be honest with you. It's one of the things you're supposed to say to me. I don't think I personally and I'm an achiever, and I enjoy my life. And I you know, people come to me for advice on how to live better. But I think I could do a better job of telling myself, hey, man. Stop. Yeah. What you said, the flight to Catalina, the shark thing, like, stop. I think achievers have to do that once in a while. Stop. Appreciate this moment for a second, man. It's not coming back again. You know? And I I you and I are talking about your kids at their ages. And, you know, it made me think. Did I appreciate all those moments when they were two, when they were infants, when they were three, when they were eight and 10? And I didn't. Yeah. You know? And I wish I could go back in those moments again. Think about it too, though. You think about how optimized you are as a man today versus when they were born. True. Right? And and the lucky thing for me is I, had evolved to a place where being super efficient and using my energy for what I'm only passionate about and having clear, goals and vision for life is the foundation that I started with for the family. So I've never missed a pediatrician appointment. I I've rarely I've never missed waking them up, very rarely when I'm gone or putting them to bed. Right? And that's by design. That's by moving out of a fantasy factory in downtown and living in Hollywood to a home in Beverly Hills and an office in Beverly Hills and being, super close as you're, developing this life and creating a plan, from my how I use my time and my schedule. You know what I mean? I everything is systematized around full balance. I take my first meeting at, 11AM, my last one at five. It never changes. I don't compromise my schedule and my time with my family and wife in my pursuit. Right? I fit it inside it, you know. Woah. So say something about that. So we're gonna I wanna get into this life thing now because I love the word about optimizing your life. Since the second we talked, the first time we talked was gonna be five minutes. It was turned into a really long phone call. We actually together talked about these things. Yeah. Like these very topics are what you and I discussed when we first connected. Of all those stunts you had though, I'm just curious, because it leads to life. We're gonna go into life stuff now. So you had the deal with the the tiger chasing you down and mauling you. That to me, even for me, I don't know why, that's even scarier than the shark thing for me. Yeah. Seeing that sucker run after you, dude. Like Right. They're trained. I don't give a crap. Sharks in the ocean on it, but he was biting my neck, and they kept saying, put it down. Dude. Put it down because I was the it. You know what I mean? I'm like, is this guy supposed to be doing this? Like Dude, they're a millimeter away from some artery. Like, dude, they're just come on, man. That's that's crazy. Scariest thing of all of them Yeah. Was jockeying a horse for a race. Like, that was the scariest of all of them. Because the car stuff, you're in a cage. K. Like, you're covered in the mesh here, train tiger. Like, when you're on the back of a horse going 40 miles an hour, like, if you you're when you can bear if you get shot off that thing, you're basically in a, like, a car wreck Yeah. With no car. Right? Like, that was the scariest thing. Are you hearing what we're saying to each other right now? Yeah. Like, you know what was scarier than getting bit by a shark? It wasn't the tiger. It was riding over. But then for me And it feels good to be able to say it. You know what I mean? Like feel good. It's like I don't think about it so often, but then just even talking about, comparing them, and thinking about it, and the fact that I own that as a highlight forever, it makes me happy. Yeah. And it's also like, hey, man. Look, being on TV all that long for some people would be scary. Staying at the top that long can be scary. You know, not wanting to fall off the the the totem pole you've climbed up, the flagpole, all those things. But I wanna ask you about one of the stunts you did, because I think, like, at least for me, it would cause me to do a little reflection. So of all of them you did, the one that captured my heart the most was the one where Laird drags you on the, I think it's Laird on on the Sea Doo into riding the wave. Yeah. Okay. And so you ride this wave, and you crash, and you thought you were gonna die. Yeah. Of all of them, is that the one that you were the most sure you were gonna die in the middle of? I'm curious. No. I mean, it's the only time in my life that I was dying. So tell tell me about what happened there and what it did to you. I'm, you know, the trippiest thing about it too is, like, it was pouring rain, and I swear the moment I stepped in the water to do it Mhmm. The it stopped raining, and a rainbow went right over it. Right? And I'm like, what's what? Like, it was freaky enough, and we're like, what is going on? Like, it was just this freaky sort of moment in time. So it, like, already had this, like, weird tone. And if you can imagine, like and then, like, some of the local Hawaiian guys were, like, asked where I was doing, getting towed in, and they were like, oh, it's real sharky out there. Right? So I'm like Sharky? Yeah. So Was this after the shark thing or before? Yeah. Like, this is this is way after Okay. It doesn't when you're doing, like, you know, go getting a Bahamas reef shark with a metal thing, like, it's super controlled. When you're laying on your back in the deep ocean and all you can think of is, like, shark coming up from underneath to get you, I didn't even I wasn't worried about what was gonna happen in that wave. I just wanted to get up so that I don't get attacked by a shark. Right? And and if you can imagine this, you know, I've grinded a 20 stair handrail and flipped the car ramp to ramp and and done all these crazy stunts and you face them. You face the danger. On getting towed into a giant wave, it's behind you. So, like, you like, I'd never surfed before. It was literally the only time I'd ever surfed in my life. You had never surfed before? Never surfed before. And it was like the first surf wave I ever surfed was like 18 feet. Right? And so it's the most peaceful, amazing, like, you know, because you can't see it. And, like, you're like, what? You know what I mean? Like, what do we and and then it's like a house crashes on you and you don't, like, you can feel something coming. You can start to hear it and then just wham. And now you're in like this fight. Everything in you to just get to the surface. Right? So I was like, you know, it's really weird management of emotions and experiences as it as it's related to when you get into kill mode for its stunts. Right? Because you have to shift into a mindset of, like, where you basically you get to a deeply calm place because you literally nothing else matters and you understand that that for this moment in time, you have to put everything you have into making sure that that you do everything for this to work. It's a different different level of mindset. Right? Because you're it's a it's it's your life is on the line for this moment. And it's so so much easier when you're facing it and you, you know, and in this one so as I did it and and fought back up, and then I wanna get out of the water, I wanna get back up, you know, all this. It wasn't as bad. Right? So it was like it was like, okay. It got up pretty good. Like, that didn't you know, like, it's still water. You know, I got spun around, but it wasn't too bad. Okay. Let's let's try to get a bigger one. Right? Like, so you get into that zone. And now the problem was I got a bigger one and one right behind it. Oh, gosh. So not only did I get annihilated, but then as I was like trying to find the surface, another one came down. And now I'm so deep and have no idea where the surface is. And, you know, believe it or not, this is a viciously vivid memory just out of death. Right. Wasn't trying to hey. You gotta remember this. Yeah. You're not gonna do that. You wanna remember this. Hold on to this one. You know what I mean? No. No. This is like you was like like, I like, eyes open, spinning. It was just all white, and I just remember kept trying to push to what I thought was the surface and I kept going nowhere and the light kept changing and I kept trying to find what I think was the surface. Mhmm. And it all kept looking the same regardless of where I went and I was could not no more breath, no more breath, no more breath. Like, as far as you can hold, as far as you can hold, as far as you can hold, as far as you can hold, as far as you can hold, as far as you can, if you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't. And right as I like had to like pass out to take the breath, like, I popped right up. And then, he come fly and he was so freaked out. Right? Because it's all fun and games. You're Laird Hamilton. You're gnarly. You literally don't even have the the gene, like, to even be scared of like water. You're like literally Aquaman. So you're like, of course, you could do it, Rob. Like, he just looks at me. He's like, you're a stunt guy. You can do this stuff easy. He thought I died for sure. And he just we are done. He ripped me out of that. Threw me on the back. We are done. Like, he was so freaked out. You know? And, you know, of course, we made that whole episode. We wrote that episode around testing your man level. Yeah. And we had decided I had reached it. Yeah. You reached it. And That's bananas. Joke was like, man, you don't you don't wanna get to the edge of your man level because you really you really lose some layers of your man level if if Lair's gotta give you mouth to mouth. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Right. Like but, yeah, that that was people rewound that and they were listening to your description of what it was like during that time. Some people feel like their lights in that place right now, man. Like, they're just everything looks the same. They can't get out of it. They can't get out of it. And really, what you eventually do is you just kinda surrendered. Right? And then Yeah. Thank God you popped up. Yeah. I I, that's my favorite story, by the way, of all the stunts is to think that you that was the one where you thought you were dead. I mean, that's it's insane. I wanna ask you a couple things you said because I think that they're worthy of covering. You said earlier about your habits and routines and your rituals, and I've heard you talk about how that actually creates freedom for you. People usually think the reverse. They're like, hey, if I have all these rituals and habits and I've got no real freedom in my life, you you would say that that's completely opposite. Right? Yeah. Well, look. I'm I'm the more I'm I'm people call it habits, rituals, rituals. I think it's systems. Right? The more systematize the less you have to to think of, the more freedom you have to think about other things. Like like, when you're optimized, you know you know you feel the best when you're the best version of yourself. Yeah. So the more, like, it is a machine and systematized for you to do it, and it's based around you. It's based around what, are the things that ultimately help you and you can you can actually do. You know? And I would equate meditation to it. K. Everybody will tell you meditation is is great. Meditation for me is impossible. K. You can't quiet yourself for me. Can't quiet myself. I'll never be able to get there. It is it is, you know, even if it's great for the mindset, like, but I knew that eventually I needed to. Right? And I eventually found a meditation machine. Right? So, what it now allows me to do is meditate every single day at five in the morning. I couldn't do it if I was just gonna sit there and try to quiet. But when I jump into my soma dome, which is basically like a giant egg with, like, lights and and sound and guided meditation, it now has become an essential part of my life Woah. Because I needed, to find a something like that because that's what I needed to actually apply that to. Without your system to meditate. And so, you know, for me, if you can imagine, you're up in the morning, five in the morning, irregardless of how you feel, you're gonna feel a lot of different ways when you wake up. And I go into that machine for mindset only. It is like I just think about everything I want to achieve and how it looks when it happens and every single layer and level and you pop out of that thing and you are you're just in a different energy. Right? Welcome back to the show, everybody. So grateful you've decided to join me again here this week. And this week, I have a question for you. Do you play hurt? Because I think playing hurt is one of the invisible skills of all the great ones. And if you think back in your lifetime, the people that you've been the most, you know, emotional about when you've watched them perform in sports or life in business, they were overcoming some pain they were in currently at the time. Typically in sports, it's some type of an injury that they have. And so I ask you, can you play hurt? Because I think that's the great separator in life and in business is that the great ones are able to perform even when they're not at their best, even when they're hurt, even when they're wounded, even when they're down. And average ordinary people succumb to the injury, succumb to the pain, the down cycle in their life. You know, I really believe the separator in life is not what you do on the days where you're feeling great. You're feeling healthy. You're feeling emotionally strong. Everything's going your way. Everybody performs well on those days. It's what do you do on the days that you don't feel that way in sports, especially. The greatest moments of my lifetime in sports, we'll talk about them in a minute, have been watching athletes perform under pain, under injury, under hurt. And in business and life, you know, we're not on television. And so sometimes we don't realize that's the separator. The difference between winning and losing in life and sports is so small. It's almost too scary to talk about. One of the things that worries me is I have to be candid with you. I think everybody can help someone, but one of the things that's happened in the business space, the entrepreneurial space is there's just so many people that are giving advice and information that have never built a business, that have never accomplished anything other than telling you how to accomplish something. And so oftentimes, I hear their messages, and I'll commiserate with other people that I know that have actually done something in their life. And, like, can you believe that they teach this stuff and that people are believing this? I worry sometimes that you don't get told the truth about what it really takes to win And that so many of you are listening to so many different voices, many of which aren't qualified to help you in the area that you're looking for help. And I say that with respect because I think everyone can help somebody. But by and large, if I wanna get fit and in shape, I want my trainer to be fit and in shape. If I want to become wealthy and build a big business, I want to listen to someone who's wealthy, that's built a big business. If I want to become happier and more influential and more passionate in my life, I want to listen to someone who's done that. And so I know that one of the separators from the people that I know that have become mega successful in their lives is their ability to play when they don't have their a game, their ability to win and step up, and sometimes play better. And so ask yourself this question. The last year on days when you were down or not even feeling physically well, you had the flu or cough or, you know, you had an injury that you hurt yourself and your knee or your back was hurting or someone had hurt your feelings the day before or maybe a week or two before the day before you lost an account or didn't get a sale you thought you were going to get or something's going on with your kids. How did you perform those days? Because that's the separator in life. And so we're so moved often by the people we see when they do this. I'll give you an example. I was recently moved by a young man and I'm sure this will get back to him and he might be surprised that I saw this, but a young man named Cade Beaulieu and he's a college baseball player at Auburn University. I played college baseball. He's a lefty. I was a lefty, and so I took note of this young man. But the reason I saw him wasn't because he played college baseball or because he played at Auburn. He's a much better college player than I was, by the way. But, the reason I saw him is that his mother had died. And the day that his mother had passed away, he still played in the game that night. And I guess evidently he went to the coach and says, you know, mom would want me to play tonight. This young man under tremendous pain just lost his mother. Can you imagine? Just hours before, he said, I think mom wants me to play. And this young man steps up to the plate, I believe it was his third at bat. Guess what he did? You know it. He had a home run. Mother of Auburn Baseball outfielder, Kate Baloo. Stacy passed away this morning after a battle with cancer. Our hearts and Auburn Baseball are with the Baloo family during this time. Right shoulder. It's deep. It's gone. He hit it out of here. Brad, I I you know, some things just transcend the the human experience and and how sports could bring everybody together, and that that's one of them. One of the most inspiring things I've ever seen in thirty two years of coaching was, they blew getting that home run. Let's do I got that ball when I see it. Hey. His first one of the season. Hadn't hit a home run-in all the good days, but he had a home run on that day to honor his mom when he was under tremendous pain where many people would have said, hey. Hey, Cade. We wouldn't blame you at all, man. Sit out the game. Sit out the weekend. You know, that's okay. And by the way, that would have been okay. You know, heal up a little bit. You know, there's so much this stuff in personal about healing and all that stuff. And by the way, I think you can take action and still win while you're healing. And sometimes the winning can be the healing. Instead of just sitting around and machinating in your thoughts and trying to evaluate yourself all the time, get up and do something. Right? And I say that out of love. I would say this if you were my children. I talk to the audience as if they're an extension of my family. I also don't say these things sitting on some high horse because I've made the mistakes of not taking action on the days when I was down or hurting. I've sat out games when I was an athlete when maybe I could have played. And now in life, you know, as I got older, I realized that's the separator. And so, Cade Baloo, man, congratulations, brother. Way to honor your mom. Just want you to know I saw it. And now you've moved millions of people through our audience here today. On the day he was probably hurting the most in his life, he stepped up and hit his first home run of the season. I have to imagine that inspired his teammates. I have to imagine that his mom is very proud of him. The rest of his family is very proud of him. By the way, would would we been proud had Kate hit a home run? Sure. Would I be mentioning a guy at Auburn who hit his first home run of the year on my podcast to millions of people if he wasn't hurt? No. And so what I'm saying is some of your greatest accomplishments, your greatest story, we've all heard the saying that your test can become your testimony. Your mess can become your message, but it's true. In fact, oftentimes this adversity is a gift. It's an opening to get something for your pain. I've always said that I don't believe God's gonna give you pain without a gift on the other side of it. That if you look for the gift of the pain you're going through, that all pain is temporary. And if you can survive the temporary, whatever the pain is you're going through, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, if you'll survive the temporary, but while you're surviving and getting through it, look for the gift. Look for the miracle. He's gonna give you something. He's gonna give you a new friend, a new relationship, a new insight, a new thought, a new talent, a new ability, a new innovation, a new whole new life oftentimes, a new reference, a new whatever. It comes your way through pain. And so this is the people that we admire in life. You think about in your sports life. Think about Michael Jordan of all the championships that Michael Jordan won. It was winning the nineteen ninety seven NBA finals, the flu game where most people wouldn't have played. He had a 104 degree fever. He No one thought he was even to show up and play that night. And somehow he comes through and wins the NBA title playing with the flu. Right? I mean, we remember this. It's iconic. Now he won a lot of championships, but that's the clip that you see the most. Why? Because he played hurt. He played hurt. It's Tiger Woods of all the majors that he won. He won the two thousand eight US Open. They tell us on basically a broken leg. Are you kidding me? This is these are the stories of legends. These are the stories that are what icons do. And you have a chance when you're going through this down day. These are the days where maybe you're going through it today. You're like, man, I needed this today, brother, or send this to somebody who needs it. My gosh. This is actually an opening for me. This is where I separate. This is my separation season because almost you know, it's all I almost get off in my mind on these days because I'm like, I know nobody's working as hard as I am. Not after how bad yesterday was. Not after how bad I'm hurting. Not after that let down. Most people are licking their wounds and staying down, and there's all this stuff as well. Maybe you should stay down for a while. Evaluate what happened. Learn the lesson. Yeah. Maybe. Or maybe you should get your ass up and go back to battling. Go back to fighting. Go back to winning. Get in motion again. I think you could heal, learn, and take action at the same time. Tiger Woods winning that US Open on a broken leg, they tell us. Kirk Gibson in the eighty eight World Series hitting a home run coming off the bench. He was so injured. He couldn't play. He didn't he didn't play the game, and he didn't play at all after this home run. He had one at bat, limps up to the plate. He couldn't play a position, so they put him into pinch hit. He gets up there, two strikes. Dennis Eckersley, bam, hits a home run over the right field fence to win the world series game. One of the most, if not, the most iconic home run-in the history of baseball. One of them. Why? Because he had a home run-in the world series? No. Because he had a home run hurt in the world. By the way, I was at that game. Funny anecdote. My dad wanted to leave that game the inning before. We got up to leave and we ran into my T ball Little League coach in the we were in the bleachers at Dodger Stadium. And my T ball coach says, you don't leave World Series games early, mister Mylett. My dad went, all right. And we walked back to our seats. True story. Sat down in the next inning. Maybe the most famous home run-in the history of baseball was hit by Kurt Gibson. But we remember it because he played hurt. If you're really old like me, it was a year before I was born, but I heard about it all my every Willis Reed for the Knicks coming out and inspiring his team to win. You know, when I speak, I walk out on stage to Thunderstruck by ACDC. Everyone thinks that's because he's such an ACDC fan. Well, I am a fan of that band, but that's not why I walk out. I walk out to ACDC when I speak because my favorite fighter of all time is Arturo Thunder Gotti. He came into the ring to Thunderstruck. My favorite fighter of all time, Gotti. Why? Because he was the best fighter of all time. Arturo was not the greatest fighter of all time. If you don't know him, go watch his clips. I don't care if you're a boxing fan, female, male, go watch Arturo guys because the shots he would take and keep coming. His fights with Mickey Ward, I mean, I'm just gonna tell you, like, inspired me to wanna be somebody. If you think about the movies, it's Rocky Balboa. It's how he came back from being hurt. Cut me, Mick. Right? It's those are the things that move us. The greatest of all time, Muhammad Ali, and how he beat George Foreman and would come back from being hurt. The wonderful Kerry Scruggs. Most of you don't know this, one of the greatest clips of all time. Carrie Scruggs, 1996 gymnast, ends up basically winning the gold on a torn ankle. And I remember watching that and crying, literally crying when she won. I wonder, by the way, why do we cry when we see somebody accomplish something great and overcome something amazing? Whether someone heals from cancer and they come back and they live or an athlete that overcomes an injury like precious Carrie Scruggs did in the Olympics and just the world cried watching her go through this pain and win. I submit that we cry when we see these great acts of courage because we know that exists within us and we're not using it. We're not even crying out of happiness. There's a part of it's like, why can't I do that? I have the same capacity. I'm also a human being. I want to be proud of me. I want to overcome my pain. You know, the story that you're going through right now or have gone through, it's only inspiring if you win. It's only inspiring if there's a fairy tale. There's only it's only inspiring if there's a lesson, if there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And so you got to play hurt. And sometimes I'll be honest with you, I think we exaggerate the pain we go through. We make it a bigger deal than it really is. You know, I've had people cancel because, well, I've got a cough or I've got the flu. Heck, this is a Zoom call. I'm I'm doing this today. My my producer will tell you. I'm sitting here today. I've got at least two teeth that I need a root canal on today. I I have got something wrong with my jaw where I can't really open my mouth to eat. It's enough that I can talk. Right? And I've got the flu. But no one asked me to run a marathon. Today, they asked me to do six Zooms. I'm sitting in a chair. What's the difference between sitting on the couch and doing nothing and sitting here and helping change the world? And I'm not bragging about me. Heck, I'll just tell you this. I played this whole year hurt. I've I haven't been on social media in a year. I've had issues with my heart. I've had a back issue that's just very significant. I've had surgery on my back. I've got a I played hurt all year. It's one of the best years I've ever had. Now has it been the biggest growth year? No. But I played hurt. Deion Sanders, coach prime was on my podcast a few weeks ago. His agent and my agent, Constance Schwartz, was also on some of the most popular shows we've ever had. And coach Prime's his legendary coach now at Colorado. But what a lot of people don't know is coach Prime played entire Major League Baseball season and NFL football season at the same time, multiple years in a row. You imagine playing imagine how hard it is to get to the NFL. Imagine how hard it is to get to MLB. He got to both and played both, and some days would play a major league baseball game and an NFL football game in the same day. Imagine that. And guess what? One year he did it with a bronchial infection, walking pneumonia basically for the entire year. Imagine that. You got a bronchial infection, almost borderline walking pneumonia for a year, and he plays a full NFL football season and major league baseball season and went to the post season in baseball. But some people can't get on a Zoom because they've got a cough, or their tummy hurts. Right? But you wanna be a millionaire. You wanna be one of the great ones ever, but any chance you're hurt a little bit down, I'm just being honest with you. Maybe this isn't the message everybody wants to hear, but it's the message everybody needs to hear. The separator is what you do on the days you're hurting. This man played an entire football season, entire baseball season, both with the condition that most people would cancel their Zooms for. Can you imagine? And so it's a mount how many punches you can absorb. Remember this, your breaking point is God's building point. Just when you're ready to break, just when you think you've got too much, if you'll push to that next level, that's when God starts to build. That's when he starts to break through. That's when the growing happens. But we don't take advantage of these opportunities. I'm almost to the point in my life where I believe adversity is a gift. I can't tell you that every time bad things happen like today, I didn't wanna wake up with my jaw. I didn't want all that stuff. It's just like a year of stuff in my physical being. I've had issues personally and socially. It's been a tough year. You know? I'm not saying I would wish that. Same time, it's I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned how much, to be honest with you, I love what I do and how much I care about you all. Because in a long time ago, financially, I didn't need to do this. And I kind of always thought in my life when I got very, very wealthy, I probably wouldn't work like I work still. But then when I got here, I fell in love over my lifetime with people and making a difference and serving them. Almost like feel like it's my home and it's my calling. It doesn't feel like that much work to me. And so who am I to be, you know, telling you to do all these things? And so when I'm not feeling great, I don't. And so I'm really convinced that your breaking point is God's building point. I'll tell you another story of a guy you probably haven't heard of unless you live in Australia. I've been reading about this guy for a few years now. 1983, it started the one of the world's toughest ultra marathons, 540 mile trek from Sydney to Melbourne. I want you to imagine this. Some of the top runners in the world are running in this race, and a farmer shows up. True story. Dressed in overalls and, like, galoshes over his boots is what they say. I'm just telling you what they tell you. And so people are like, who's this farmer? This guy's got overalls on. There's this combination of runners, but some of them are the best in the world, five forty miles. And so reporters ask who he was. He replies his name's Cliff Young. Oh, by the way, Cliff is 61 years old. Sheep farmer. Picture this. A marathon's 20 something miles. Guess what? Five days, fifteen hours, and four minutes later, he won. He finished first in this race. Grueling race. He beat the next closest competitor by about ten hours. He becomes this Australian national hero, total icon of ultra marathon running, you know, example of determination, perseverance. But what he was really an example of is pushing through pain, pushing through pain. You know, he won the race. He slept less. Now there's some legends that say he didn't sleep at all. Evidently, that's not true, but he just slept less. He didn't know how much sleep was really required of him. And all the training of chasing sheep on his farm is what equipped him for the race. So all these other guys were just running their normal race. This dude's chasing sheep for years and years and years around his farm. Some days having to run days at a time. He was totally built for this. And so when the actual race comes along, he dominated because he pushed through pain for years and years and years and years. The actual race was nothing. And so I believe when you push through pain over and over and over again, it starts to not affect you like it once did. But if you avoid pain, if you shrink to it all the time, if you give in constantly, it weakens you. Remember this, when you've gone through a difficult, painful mental experience, a bad day yesterday, physical, spiritual, maybe it's in your relationship. Maybe you're just losing confidence. This is an opportunity to either strengthen you or weaken you and how you respond means everything. I'm pretty sure Cliff at 61 years old in overalls, didn't have all of the pedigree to be the guy to win that race, never mind by ten hours. But what he had done is trained himself to sleep less than most people. What he had done is trained himself to push through pain over and over and over. This wasn't something he trained for, it was his daily life. And it becomes this national icon. Isn't that incredible story? It's just incredible. So can you push through pain until you find your truth? I think of so many of my female friends and they'll tell me the greatest experience of their life is having children, yet they'll tell me the most physically painful experience of their life for many of them was childbirth itself. And so for that unbelievably painful experience, you get the greatest gift of your life. Isn't that amazing? If you really look back at your life, then you've come a long way. And if you look back, most lessons learned, most gains were made during your flu game, during your broken leg round. Most of your great experience of your life were the painful ones. In some odd way, it's God's gift to us. Because when you go through the real pain of life, I believe it draws you closer to God. At least in my case, I had to conclude, I can't do this on my own. I need you. Lord, please help me. And so ironically, sometimes pain is one one of the great gifts we can have to strengthen our faith, but it also strengthens our resolve. There's also something that happens in us where we develop grit and toughness and resiliency and a relentless pursuit that our conditions aren't the thing that determines our behavior. Conditions and behavior can be separate. The Bible says in one Peter five ten, and the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. Life can be heavy. There are moments when the weight of the trials we go through, it feels unbearable. Pain can linger. Sometimes prayers seem unanswered. And oftentimes, we wonder whether we're ever gonna feel whole again. But take heart because your suffering is not the end of the story. Remember this, God sees every tear, every struggle, every weary side, and he's promised that after you've endured for a while, he'll step in and restore you. You got to endure for a while usually, and he steps in, strengthens you. He'll make you unshakable over time. Your pain is temporary. All pain is temporary. The only thing that's permanent is our souls, but God's grace is eternal. Whatever your faith beliefs are, just know that. And what feels like brokenness now, it's simply the ground where he's planting something new for you. Just remember that his hands are holding on to you all the time. They're rebuilding you. The storm you're facing right now, it's not going to destroy you because you're going to get up. You're going to persevere. You're going to fight. One way or the other, you're going to get through it. One way or the other, you'll get through this day. Remember this, one day at a time. One meeting at a time. My book, The Power of One More, I tell you this because I believe it to be true. You don't need to decide to never quit. You just need to decide right now, I'm getting up. Right now, I'll make one more call. Right now, I'll do one more workout. Right now, I'll read one more book. Right now, I'll go one more day. Right now, one more. Just do one more. It's such a powerful concept. If you've not read the power of one more, go get it. By the way, I should say this to you. You should be on my email list. Everything I send you is going to be free. If you go to edmylett.com, you put your email there. I think it says join here or follow here at the top, whatever. Go to edmylett.com and be in there. And by the way, let God's grace carry you and trust that he'll bring you through. But you got to step up and be resilient. Remember this, by the way, the best ability is availability. You gotta be available. The great ones like Deion Sanders during that season, the best ability was he was available. So many people just aren't available. They missed too many hours. They missed too many meetings. They missed too much stuff. They allow too many things in their conditions to affect their behavior. The great ones do not do this. And that's why habits matter. Rituals matter. Routines matter. Because when we're down, when we're under pressure, when we're hurting, we resort to habit mode because our brain kind of checks out. And if your habits to get up and fight, if your habits to get up and do it anyway, if your habit is to show up and give it your best, regardless of how you feel, then that will be your default setting. But if your habit has always been and it's been mine in the past. Yeah. I got to rest a little bit. I got to evaluate this. You know, I'm really hurting right now. Think I take a breather because that's what everybody does. But everybody's not successful. There's this whole thing in the world. Everybody wants to be successful. Everybody wants to build a big company. Everybody wants a great body. Everybody wants a great relationship. Everybody wants a bunch of money, but nobody's willing to do the work on the hard days. They wanna do the work on the good days. Man, I just listened to a great Instagram video. Man, I'm fired up. Yes. Someone said yesterday. Here we go. But what happens when three no's in a row, somebody quits on you, somebody hurts you, and you're feeling physically ill? Can you get up those days? Can you push through? Can you do what winners do? And when you do what winners do, you get what winners get. You get what Jordan gets. You get what Carey Scruggs gets. You get what Tiger Woods gets. There's a great story. Kobe Bryant tears his Achilles tendon, but they need him to make the free throw, to stay in the game to win. They're like, Kobe, you tore your Achilles. It's okay, bro. He they're they will show you the clip. He walks out on the court and makes two free throws with a torn Achilles tendon. That's why he's Kobe. That's why he was Jordan. That's why he's Tiger. That's why she was Serena. That's why Carrie Scruggs is Carrie Scruggs. And I promise you, if you went through the lives of these people you admire, they played hurt. They found a way. They built that muscle. It's the separator. I tell my kids this all the time. Max, when he golfs, you know, and he said to me, dad, around around my swing, hey, Max, it's the days you don't have your swing. Hang in. Shoot a decent score today. Go work on your swing on the range after. Come back tomorrow with your A game, but you got to score with your B game or your D game. This is the separator. And let God's grace carry you through. We all go through pain in our lives. We all do. It's part of life. It's it's like if you're not in pain right now, you're probably gonna be soon. So why not have a blueprint, a mindset, a habit, a way of being that says, oh, I see what's going on here, devil. Okay, I'm stepping up. I'm getting more faithful. I'm taking more action. I'm coming back stronger. I'm built for this. And by the way, I know some of you listening go. I've just never been that way. That's okay. Neither were these people until they started to be that way. No one's born like that. What happens is they all hit a wall at one point and said, I'm tired of running. I'm tired of quitting. I'm tired of giving in when I'm hurt. I'm tired of backing up. I'm gonna stop. At some point, Kobe Bryant said, I'm gonna stop backing up. I'm gonna stop making excuses. I'm gonna stop quitting. I'm gonna stop flinching, and I'm gonna step into this. At some point, I did, and I'm not acquitting myself with those people. But I know what it's like to give into an injury. I know what it's like to lay down too long when I'm down. I know many years ago, even at the prime of my health and fitness, I didn't work like I do now, And I'm probably in the worst physical condition I've been in in decades. Probably not actually certainly ever. Yeah. And I think I've been delivering the best content of my life. Most athletes will tell you, by the way, any of you that played sports. My dad used to tell me this when I play sick. Most athletes, most business people play better hurt. Especially you got a little bit of a fever running. Everything kind of slows down a little bit. It causes you to focus a little bit deeper and a little bit more. You kinda have to move out all the noise and stay in the moment because that's all you have energy for. A lot of times you're better. And here's the truth. None of that's real pain. I was thinking about real pain this morning. I woke up, had a lot on my mind, and and I was still fuzzy from waking up. And I thought, oh, I'll call dad. And it wasn't for about ten minutes until I got up and started to move around. I remembered I can't call my dad. My dad's been passed away now for three years. I don't know if any of you has ever lost somebody, but every once in a while you forget. You have a great moment, you think you'll call them, or you have a dream that's so real when they're in it. And I woke up this morning and for about ten minutes, I was planning on calling my dad this morning. And then I realized I can't. You don't know real pain until you crave a conversation with someone that's no longer with us. That's some pain. And then I had to decide today. Don't feel real good. Wish I could call my dad and I can't. That hurts. I think I'll honor him with what I do today. I could have chose a different decision. Yeah. I worked real hard. I've got got a little bit of money. Be okay if I kick the curb, can down the curb a little bit. Did this tomorrow. I don't wanna do that. Fact, what my producer will tell you is I texted him about two hours ago. I said, let's do one more today too. So we're actually doing more today. He probably wondered why he's learning right now. I decided to do more today because it's one of those days. I'm not gonna meet my normal standard. I'm gonna do one more. So real pain is that stuff. And if you have that in your life where you can't call someone because they're not here anymore, honor them and make them proud of you with what you do on the days you're hurting.

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## How Inflammation Really Works and How to Shut It Down Feat. Dr. Kevin Tracey [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcNvmLRsAbk
- **Published:** 4 weeks ago

The fundamental discovery of the link between the vagus nerve and inflammation that we made was that the vagus nerve is sending signals that act like the brakes on your car. If inflammation is barreling down the hill and the brakes fail, all kinds of problems will occur. The FDA approved the basis of this idea as a new therapy to treat inflammation in patients with rheumatoid arthritis. I think this is launching a whole new era in medicine where bioelectronic medicine will begin to replace drugs. That's a big statement. It's a big statement, but it's backed by the facts. I see a world very soon where many, many people with rheumatoid arthritis in The United States will have this as a therapy. I have met some of the patients who spent twelve or fifteen years in and out of wheelchairs using a cane, which she no longer needs. Her therapy is vagus nerve stimulation. She's now seven or eight years out from the implants. Do you think that there's applications in diseases beyond arthritis? A hundred percent I do. People who were suicidal, unable to care for their families, unable to work, and now they're not suicidal. They're caring for their families. They're back at work. So what is the cost benefit of that? Is it possible that the vagus nerve stimulation is reversing the inflammation that's causing the depression? It's really incredible actually. It is incredible. Welcome back to the show everybody. So I have to tell you, we get, you know, I don't know, 800, a thousand requests a year to come on the show. And about 10 times a year, I request somebody to be on the show. And I was just telling this gentleman off camera that he's one of those people I have really wanted to talk to him for a while. And, you'll know why when this hour is over. You're gonna learn a ton today, everybody. You're gonna learn a ton about your parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system. You're gonna learn about your vagus nerve. You're gonna learn about healing, anxiety, trauma, longevity, all kinds of stuff. And I guarantee there's gonna be a ton of things that we're gonna cover today that you've not heard before in your life. So this is heavy note taking stuff. My guest I don't know what I would call him. He's an interesting man. I guess he's the I guess I call him the father of bioelectric medicine. I think he's one of the most important people on the planet today. I think he's creating a medical and, mental health revolution for many people. He's a neuroscientist neurosurgeon, a scientist, and, but more importantly than all of that, he's been somebody that's taught me a great deal, and I think he's gonna teach you a great deal today. You need to get his book, The Great Nerve by doctor Kevin Tracy, who's my guest today. Doctor Tracy, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me on. I'm really looking forward to chatting about one of my favorite topics, and thank you for your kind words. Well, you know, I feel very strongly about this. So and by the way, everyone, in my private coaching work, I do a lot of work on your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems and how trauma affects us internally. And so he's gonna give you the the the master class because I do the kindergarten class. So let's start out today. This is a basic education, Doctor. Tracy, because for some people, they may not know. Let's just start out with what is the vagus nerve and why does it matter? The vagus nerve is a nerve that starts in the base of your brain at about the level of your ears and travels down your neck across your chest into your abdomen. And along the way, it sends us it sends branches or our fibers out and touching all the organs you never think about. Now now we call it the vagus nerve, but you actually have two of them, like two thumbs and two kidneys, etcetera. And these two two nerves on each side are even more complicated than that because within each of these two nerves in humans is a 100,000 fibers, a 100,000 individual nerve fibers. So when when when you talk about your vagus nerve, you actually have 200,000 of them. And all day long, the signals traveling up and down from your body to your brain in the vagus nerve and then back down from your brain to your organs, these signals are the fundamental basis of reflexes that operate to keep your organs functioning in a harmonious, healthy way. In other words, your heart and your kidneys and your lungs, they're all working all day long in a balanced, harmonious way when you're healthy because of reflexes traveling, largely in the vagus nerve. Gotcha. And that matters why. Let let's let's dive deep into some stuff here just for some basic stuff. I think it's been established sort of in the medical community the last decade or so that inflammation is probably the root of most disease in the body. You correct me for all the things I say that are wrong today because there'll be a bunch of them. But assuming that that's sort of become the new foundational basis for what most people believe about disease in the body, That matters why as it relates first off, is that probably true? And if it is true, why does that matter in relation to the vagus nerve inside our bodies? It is true. And, yeah, just to make it very concrete for for for those who might be interested, every year on the planet Earth, about sixty million people die. According to the WHO, two thirds of those deaths are caused by conditions that you just alluded to, sort of chronic diseases that can that that kill two thirds of of people who die of a year include cancer, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, metabolic syndrome, obesity, and neurodegenerative conditions, such as Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's. So as you alluded to correctly, what those conditions all have in common is that inflammation either causes them or contributes to them by making them worse. And so the question that I've been thinking about for going on forty years now in my laboratory at the Feinstein Institute in New York is what is it that that drives inflammation at the level of of molecules, individual molecules and cells, and how can we use that information about what's driving inflammation in the body to stop inflammation? Now in in the late eighties, nineteen eighties, my colleagues and I made some contributions to developing molecules that stop inflammation in in many patients. And those molecules today go by the name of biologics. And you see them advertised on the nightly news. You see them advertised on all the Sunday football games. These biologics are many of them are monoclonal antibodies, and they they bind. They stick on cytokines, which are molecules made by white blood cells. And these cytokines can cause inflammation. So that's what we've known since the nineteen eighties. And these these drugs are very powerful, and they they treat patients with conditions like rheumatoid arthritis and and other conditions. But they don't cure. They don't cure the disease. So some some other things are still going on. And so the fact that these biologics don't cure inflammation but can slow it down taught us that these molecules are very, very important in causing inflammation. But I found myself years ago wondering, well, if if the immune system has the and our bodies have the ability to make this these powerful inflammatory molecules, which can cause harm. They it can cause serious damage to your organs if there's too much inflammation. And it can contribute to these other illnesses that that can that can kill so many people every year on the planet Earth. And the real question I have was, how does the body normally control inflammation? Now if if if if you take what we just talked about from the vagus nerve, and I said reflexes are controlling the healthy balance of your organ functions, we've known for a hundred hundred years or more that reflexes traveling in the vagus nerve control how fast your heart beats. If it beats too fast, signals in the vagus nerve slow it down. Reflexes in the vagus nerve control how much insulin your pancreas makes and how much glucose your liver can produce. So if you if this is what we've known all along, the question to me became, well, if reflexes are doing things to all the other organs, is it possible that reflexes in the vagus nerve are also controlling inflammation? That was the Eureka idea. That was that was the Eureka moment, but, as you know, from the book, we don't say Eureka in the lab anymore. We say holy shit. Right. And by the way, we're gonna cover so much today that but we're gonna talk about trauma here in a second too. So it's there's so much to this inflammation, vagus nerve, the sympathetic nervous system. There's so much to it, you guys, that over the next five years, you think AI is a revolution. And by the way, it even fits inside this discussion. This is gonna be a revolution. I'm telling you. It's been part of my work for a long time on just performance and well-being. But so one more foundational thing I just wanna lay out there is there used to be this adage that, you know, Plato said a long time ago, you can't heal the body without healing the soul. Right? And there's this adage, there's a lot of, you know, growing up there were these, you know, theories of, well, if you're if you've got trauma and you're under great stress, you're gonna, you know, you're gonna die younger. That was kind of theoretical. But now we actually know, don't we? So explain to us a little bit foundation, and then we're gonna get into some great stuff. How does trauma, anxiety, trauma in our life, or anxiety, or things that happened in our childhood or in our lives actually affect this inflammation in our body. Like you've essentially, we've proven this now. So give us the correlation of why unhealed trauma is detrimental to your physical health, not just your mental health. So Plato Plato was right. I happen to agree with him. And, and and your quote, from him is spot on. If you think of the signals traveling in the nerves as controlling all your organs, then the fundamental discovery of the link between the vagus nerve and inflammation that we made was that the vagus nerve is sending signals that act like the brakes on your car. So if if inflammation is is barreling down the hill and there's nothing and the brakes fail and inflammation spins out of control, then all kinds of problems will occur. So we we can take that now as a fact, and the the revolution that we're coming into and living through as we speak, as of six or seven weeks ago, on the day that we're recording this, the FDA approved the the the basis of this idea as a new therapy to treat inflammation in patients with rheumatoid arthritis. And I think you're right. I think this is launching a whole new era in medicine where bioelectronic medicine will begin to replace drugs. So that's the that's That's a big statement. It's a big statement, but it's backed by the facts, and it's kind of fundamental, as you said, laying the fundamental groundwork to this conversation. When when you look at the, the the role of of childhood trauma and, inflammation and long term health, the the results are absolutely fascinating. And I know that you've talked about this in the past on your show, and you've read these papers. But one of my favorite studies that nails the point of this is if you look at elderly graduates from college, and gave them a survey and said, okay, what was your father's income when you were, I forget, four or between four years old and 10 years old or something like that. And so these people filled out the survey, and they made an estimate of of whether they were rich or poor by their by based on their father's income when they were little. And then the the the researchers measured salivary cortisol in these patients. And what they found was a near perfect correlation, inverse between their father's income and how much, salivary cortisol was present and meaning how much stress their body was carrying throughout all those decades of life, five, six, seven, eight decades of life. The lower the income, the higher was the cortisol and the saliva. Saliva. So what does that mean? That means that the, the nervous system, the brain, which controls the pituitary gland and the pituitary adrenal axis that makes steroids, the nervous system, it carries an engram. It carries a memory or an imprint of the stress that occurs when you're young. And that can be translated back to the body, in this case, through signals in the pituitary adrenal axis. But if you look at other indicators that, say, heart rate, resting heart rate, or resting heart rate variability, there's evidence and those sorry. Those those are controlled by nerve signals, not hormonal signals. Right. So signals in the vagus nerve, which is parasympathetic, and signals in the, sympathetic nervous system either accelerate or decelerate the heart. That balance lives in, if you will, in the brain stem, in the brain, and that turns out to be influenced by childhood stress. And those effects can last for many, many years. So if signals in the nervous system can be modulated by childhood stress, that's a fact, and if signals in the nervous system can turn on or turn off inflammation through the vagus and sympathetic nerves, and that's a fact, then the answer to your question is yes. There's definitely a relationship between, stress, nervous system control of inflammation, and how much inflammation you you bear in your body, which, of course, then can put you at risk for, complications in your organs from too much inflammation. Let's talk about how that might work. By the way, isn't this fascinating, everybody? So and by the way, there's ways, everyone, pretty simply, that you can actually see how you're doing with this stuff. So let's, let's use me for a second. Okay? So, first off, everybody, give yourself the gift of just learning a little bit about the sympathetic nervous system. We're not gonna get too much into that today just because there's too many other things to cover. But let's just call the sympathetic nervous system for the layman. You're in a you're in a fight or flight mode to some extent. So take a guy like me. I grew up with some childhood trauma, alcoholic father, got sober when I was 15. But those first fifteen years were a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, a lot of worry. Also in my family, I think a a little scotch of mental health issues. A little maybe scotch of depression, and they're like a touch. You know what I mean? And so I think I grew up in a fight or flight mode in my sympathetic nervous system. I wasn't parasympathetic very often. Now I find myself at 55. I've had some health issues in my life. And, my resting harm I'm fit. I work out five days a week. I'm in the gym. I've got low body fat. I've I've been fit most of my life. Yet my resting heart rate's almost 80, and my HRV is incredibly low. Like, last night was 11. Most nights, it's, like, 15. Does that mean those two metrics tell you can you can educate them on HRV as well a little bit. Does that mean is that indicative that I am probably in sympathetic nervous system mode and not parasympathetic most of the time? Is that what that would indicate? In other words, high heart rate, low HRV. Is that indicative of somebody that's, in fight or flight mode most of the time more than likely? There are some that would say that to you, that, yes, it is. I'm not sure. I I would be much more honest and say I'm I'm I'm maybe? Before I drew a conclusion let me back up a second. The the problem with some of these things is when all the data fits, with a dogmatic idea, it's very easy to jump on the answer being the dogma. The problem is when you scratch the surface of the dogma and try to understand where do these definitions and measurements come from, you realize that you kinda run out of data really quickly. So in the case of measuring, fight or flight, you would want more than just knowing your resting heart rate and your heart rate variability. You really would also wanna know, your hormone levels and levels of, you know, cortisol is one we talked about a minute ago. You would wanna know your cortisol levels. You would wanna know your norepinephrine or or epinephrine levels. Those are very hard to measure. They have to often measure the the byproducts or the metabolites of those in either blood or urine. You'd wanna have a much more sophisticated analysis, and you would wanna have it o over long periods of time for many days in a row. So think of the example of of of diabetes. The patient's worried about measuring her glucose levels, and and she's a diabetic. She might take a glucose measure at some random time of the day and see it's perfectly normal, and then go ahead and have whatever, a candy bar or an orange, and then not measure till till sometime later and see that it's still normal. And so, okay, I don't have diabetes. But if she measured her hemoglobin a one c, which integrates the glucose levels over many, many hours, days, and weeks, she would find that the hemoglobin c was off the charts because the glucose was spiking intermittently. We don't have quality measures for inflammation, frankly, or for, sympathovagal balance. There are some that advocate for using heart rate variability as a gold standard of sympathovagal balance. But that's also actually much more controversial than you would ever figure from looking at social media. What is heart rate variability? So if you look on a EKG, you you see each heartbeat. Or if you feel your pulse, you feel a distinct beat, beat of every heart in your wrist or your neck. If you actually have a stopwatch and measure the time between individual heart rates, you can write down all those times in sequence. And then you get a long sequence of numbers that are called instantaneous heart rates. Now when the vagus nerve fires, it prolongs the time to the next heartbeat. That's why vagus nerve slows your heart because it prolongs the time between heartbeats. If you have a lot of vagus nerve activity and that's happening, frequently, now you have subject these data, which, which can be obtained on, EKGs, for instance, or Holter monitors where you can follow EKG signals for many, many minutes or hours. You can you can add up and, and and analyze with with statistical algorithms all of these instantaneous heart rates. And you can derive, predictors of that that that guide us to what we call heart rate variability, and people refer to this as vagal tone. If you look at the high frequency domain after sort of a Fourier transformation of these complicated data, There's a little spike which has been correlated with vagus nerve activity in in humans. But is that the is that the whole answer? Well, it depends on the algorithm. Right? So your Fitbit and your Apple Watch and your other wearables, they're all using different algorithms, and they're all proprietary. Mhmm. So one person's heart rate variability may or may not be being measured the same as another person's. Okay. Everybody, I wanna, I wanna get you in the weeds here. We're gonna talk about solutions here in a second and why it matters. So stay in here and it does matter. Okay? So you say in the book that the brain listens to the body and then it talks back through the vagus nerve. And with the right tools, the body can heal itself. And it starts with the great nerve. So let's actually prove that. Let's talk about this. So I'd like you to talk about this is gonna blow your mind, everybody, but the work that's recently been approved as it relates I think in the book, I'm reading about arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, and the work you've done. So he said something pretty controversial earlier, guys, which essentially is that I'll call them pharmaceuticals, but that essentially maybe electricity in the body and the ability to stimulate itself that way could replace or at least mitigate the use of pharmaceuticals. You go, no way. Well, actually, here's some studies and some evidence that will maybe begin to change your mind about this. So why don't you tell them a little bit about basic concept that, you know, that the brain listens to the body and what you believe with the right tools, the body can begin to heal itself. And it starts with this nerve. Give them that foundation and then the work you've been doing with arthritis. It's just guys, you're not gonna believe this. It's a fascinating observation that if you inject, inflammatory molecules, molecules that produce inflammation in either a mouse or a man, that that those molecules will cause the mouse or the man to develop what we call, sickness behavior. So anorexia, depression, withdrawal, social withdrawal. These effects are very real and you've all experienced them if you've ever had a bad case of the flu, where you just wanna crawl in bed. You don't wanna eat anything. You don't wanna see or talk to anybody. You don't even wanna, engage in any hobbies because you just withdraw. Those molecules, those cytokines like TNF and IL-one, they produce those effects because when they're in the body, the vagus nerve senses them. And the vagus nerve carries, electrical signals from the body up into the brain that basically tell the brain, hey. There's there's a lot of cytokines in the body. And the brain's response is to produce that depression, that fatigue, that behavioral withdrawal, and that anorexia. So this this has been proved in, animals because if you cut if you cut the vagus nerve in animals, which you can do, in mice, you can't do it in people. But if you the the and then give those cytokines, the mice don't get sick. It's very remarkable. It's very remarkable. So what happens to to those signals going up into the brain? Well, the brain is processing the incoming signals as as too much inflammation in the body, and it sends signals back down the vagus nerve to turn the inflammation off. And that basic discovery, which I I alluded to before as the brakes like, the brakes in your car that are the brakes on your inflammatory response, that allowed us to write in the back of a napkin in 1998. Well, if the vagus nerve is is using electrical signals to turn off inflammation, we should be able to develop a, to engineer a biomedical device that we could implant on the vagus nerve to activate those breaks, to to stimulate those signals. And those signals, once stimulated, would would break or slow the inflammatory process. And so that was that was on the back of a napkin in 1998. We worked on this for, six or nine years to prove to ourselves that it would work, safely in animals. And in 2007, I cofounded a company called Setpoint Medical, which is the company that developed the device I just described and and proved that it works. The device is about the size of a multivitamin or a fish oil pill. It sits, under the skin, under the strap muscles in your left neck at about the level of your Adam's apple, And it delivers for one minute a day a small pulse of of electrical activation at 400 microamps. I mean, it's almost nothing for one minute a day. Many of the patients actually sleep through this one minute a day. They don't even know the treatment's happening. But because this treatment activates the inflammatory reflex, which is what we call it, and turns off inflammation, what we're seeing is that in a clinical study of rheumatoid arthritis patients, now these patients were not benefiting from biologics. They were not getting better. They still had severe disease despite the fact they tried all these powerful medications. And what we saw was that about seventy five percent of them gained significant clinical benefit, from having vagus nerve stimulation implanted in their neck. It's really incredible, actually. It is incredible. And, you know, everybody there's so much to unpack. This should be a four hour show, but it it begins to make I got time I got time with you. But why, by the way? Maybe we'll do multiple shows, but it starts to make you wonder, everybody, what are the other applications and implications of this vagus nerve stimulation, doesn't it? And, I mean, are we gonna have a world in your opinion someday? You said electricity over chemistry someday in the body. Do you think, you know, in the next five or ten years, you're gonna see a world where we're running around with these chips stimulating our vagus nerve to to help reduce or mitigate diabetes or rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease, cancer. Do you see a world like that, or is that premature to say that that's possible? I see a world very soon where many, many people with rheumatoid arthritis in The United States will have this as a therapy. I have met some of the patients. I have met, Ellie Owens, who spent twelve or fifteen years in and out of wheelchairs using a cane, which she no longer needs. I mean, she gave me her cane. It sits in the corner of my office now. Her therapy is vagus nerve stimulation. And she's now seven or eight years out from from the implant, so the effect is durable. I've met, a teacher, who has a who has a, it's called an immunoregulator from SetPoint, this vagus nerve stimulator in her neck. And and she said it wakes her up at 04:30 in the morning. I said, I'm sure that I'm sure the engineers can change it to stimulate your vagus nerve later in the morning so you can sleep in. She goes, no. No, Kevin. I don't mind. I said, why don't you mind? And she said, because I'm a teacher, and for years, I would wake up in the morning at 04:30 and with pain in my hands so severe that I would cry because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get dressed to go to work or pick up a pencil. She goes, now I wake up at 04:30 in the morning and this thing buzzes and I smile because I don't have any pain in my hands. So you were careful there. I watch you. You were careful to say rheumatoid arthritis. I'm not asking you to predict. I'm asking you your opinion. Do you think that there's implications or applications in diseases beyond arthritis? A 100%, I do. I'm painting right now the fact that there's a pond cover covered partially in pond lilies, and we know the doubling time of the pond lilies, and we know the surface area of the pond. I think you can make very concrete predictions about a significant use for rheumatoid arthritis in The US based on the current FDA approval. Because of that, it's a baby step to look at other inflammatory conditions, where we already have data, either in humans or in laboratory experiments. In humans, there's very convincing data. In small trials, it'll have to be repeated in larger studies for the treating Crohn's disease, inflammatory bowel disease, and ulcerative colitis. There is very compelling animal, results in multiple sclerosis, and I think you're gonna see Setpoint announcing, if they haven't already, clinical trials to treat multiple sclerosis, and that'll happen immediately. You know, if it's not open now, those trials will be open soon. You're gonna see, news about the possibility to use various vagus nerve stimulation based therapies to treat diabetes and potentially even metabolic syndrome or obesity. There's fascinating data about the relationship of vagus nerve stimulation to enhancing neuroplasticity, which is the phenomenon that can enhance recovery from injury and stroke, and the FDA has approved that indication already. There's fascinating data in in treating depression. More more hundreds of thousands of of people have already received vagus nerve stimulation therapy for treating epilepsy and depression. Now what's fascinating to me about depression is it works really well, but only about half the time. So what is it about those fifty percent of patients that get better, from vagus nerve stimulation therapy versus the fifty percent that don't? That has frankly slowed its use, its adoption into widespread practice. Prescribers don't like to not know the half. Right? It makes sense. On the other hand, some of the responses, are people who were suicidal, unable to care for their families, unable to work. And now if they're in the half that respond, they're not suicidal. They're caring for their families. They're back at work. So what is the cost benefit of that? And my question in these kind of situations is, is it possible that the vagus nerve stimulation is reversing the inflammation that's causing the depression? So these are the kinds of questions, that I I guarantee you're gonna see a huge amount of new work being done in the next few years. Guys, is this crazy? By the way, in a minute, we're gonna talk about daily practices that you can implement that are simple to help stimulate the vagus nerve or potentially, move you into a parasympathetic mode here. But before I ask you that, I wanna ask you, you know, your take on these devices that are available in the market. They sit on your ear. I won't name them, but I've got four of them next to my bed right now. I've tried all of them that, are these devices that, suggest that they can stimulate the vagus nerve by some stimulation on your ear. There's a couple that work on the neck, supposedly. Are is it do you what what are your thoughts on those without As you know, because you read the book, I have a lot of thoughts on this. And some some are good, and some are not so good. So let's just recall what I said in the beginning. You have a you have two vagus nerves, but you actually have 200,000 vagus nerves. So it's complicated. It's complicated because each and every one of those fibers, 200,000 fibers, was honed and perfected by millions of years of evolution to start at a particular place in your brain or body and go to a particular place in your body or brain. So it's got its it's got its own path. It's got its own route. It's got its own destination and origin, and it has its own function. So when someone says to me, I wanna stimulate my vagus nerve, I say, you you have 200,000. Which one do you wanna stimulate? And what we've done with the set point device is we figured out that 400 microamps only stimulates a a few 100, maybe a couple thousand fibers, and those happen to be the fibers that stop inflammation. So that's the good news. Right? A very low amount of current driven directly placed directly on the vagus nerve can do a specific thing because it targets specific fibers. That's not true when you put electric current in your ear or on your neck. It's not possible to have the evidence in humans yet because we can't measure the vagus nerve, electrical signals, which would be the ultimate proof that you've stimulated the vagus nerve unless you're putting a device on the vagus nerve. The reason people are interested in putting a device on the ear, for instance, is because there's a branch of the vagus nerve that goes to the cartilage of the ear. A small part of the cartilage, the outside of the opening to your ear is called the simbacancha. Now that's a sensory branch, which means it's carrying information about what's happening in the cartilage into the brain, into your brain stem. And it happens to go to the place where all the other incoming information goes from the vagus nerve. So that's interesting. And there's transauricular epidural nerve stimulator, that you can now put people on brain scans, and you can actually show that the act that that the areas of the brain that are activated by a a TENS unit in your ear correspond to, many of the vagus nerve centers in the brain. So that so far so good. That's interesting. And then you can do clinical trials, and you can study the effect of a TENS unit in the ear on on all kinds of things, opioid withdrawal, migraine headaches, inflammation in various conditions, whether it's Crohn's disease. We've done that. We've done arthritis associated with lupus. Or you can do blood tests and look at inflammation, and we've done that. Now what you see in these small studies, oftentimes, is some signal. You see the less inflammation. That doesn't prove it's a vagus nerve stimulator. Okay? Once you drive those signals from the ear into the brain, the brain has a 100,000,000,000 neurons and trillions of synapses or connections. So it can do whatever it wants with it. It doesn't mean that there's a direct path from your ear to your spleen to stop the inflammation that's headed to your intestines or your wrist. So that's where it breaks down. Right? It's like correlation is not causation. Right? The the correlation between some clinical benefit from doing something in your ear or your neck does improve that it's a vagus nerve stimulator. Putting all that aside for a second, if you can afford to buy, you know, a half a dozen devices and play with them at different times of the day and night, if you like to self experiment, if your doctor says it can be safely done, that's all fine and good. But some people can't afford these six devices, and they buy them because they're out of options, and they're desperate, and they're reading crap on on some website selling something that's exaggerating the the clinical benefit, that's where I kind of recoil a little bit. Because at the end of the day, you you have to either understand the scientific mechanism of action, which I just explained is impossible or very difficult with a TENS unit in your ear, or you have to have large, well controlled, randomized clinical trials that have been validated by the FDA. And in most cases, frankly, those things are just so I wrote the book to explain all this, not to attack anybody, not to criticize anybody. And like you, I don't I don't name the names of these devices because, frankly, some of these some of these noninvasive devices do have interesting clinical, outcomes and clinical results. They're just not vagus nerve stimulators. The only way to stimulate the vagus nerve is to put an electrode on the vagus nerve. I love your approach, by the way, and your your, your demeanor. Let's talk about stuff that doesn't cost anything. That's even more interesting. Right? It is. So I'm gonna throw two things at you, and they're not correlated, but they're two things I do pretty regularly. So, by the way, and they're they're one of them is really in vogue. So what about prayer? And and the these are completely disconnected things, but they both don't cost anything. And so prayer. And is that a biologic tool? Is it a spiritual tool? Is it both? So I'll give you these. Prayer slash meditation and just cold therapy in general. Just speak to those and why they matter or don't for you. Let's do them in the opposite order if you don't mind. Yeah. So I I am a fan of cold therapy. Couple times a week, I'll put the shower on full cold at the end of my normal shower, and I'll stay in there for a bit. And let's just talk about why I do it and and what I think is happening. What the not just what I think. What I think is based on studying the evidence. The the normal caveat, please, check with your doctor. There are patients who should not do this without checking with, with their doctor to make sure that that that they don't have a fainting episode or or or problems with their heart. But what happens when you step in that full cold shower is it hurts. It's uncomfortable. All the air goes out of your body. You feel like you can't breathe. It's terrible. And, people say they enjoy it. And I I I have a a more nuanced view of that kind of enjoyment. And I wrote about this, so I I see you smiling. It's it's really much more like I've done it for now, for several years, couple times a week. And every time I step in that because I step out of the hot shower, let it get cold, and then step back in. And every time I step back in, half of my brain is screaming, don't do it. You fool. You fool. You fool. And then you step in, and it's highly uncomfortable. And and I'm not I don't think you get used I it's not that you get it's not that you get used to the discomfort. You're fully aware of it, but it just doesn't bother you in the same way. And the way I describe it is I feel like, boy, that person doing that cold water thing is really foolish and and is really suffering and uncomfortable. But it's like I'm watching that person rather than fully experience the first time you do it, you fully experience it. Right? And and I and I highly recommend the first time you do it, you don't do it. You you don't do full call. There's no reason to. Get you can work up to it over a period of days or weeks. Now that is fight or flight. You talked about it before. That's fight or flight. And what we've we know from, I mean, we've infused fight or flight hormones in in human volunteers on shore leave, and we've we've studied this in animals. The acute fight or flight, which is what's happening, your heart rate races, you've got that horrible feeling you can't breathe, Those hormones turn off inflammation. So for me, check the first box. K. If the whole idea is to have an anti inflammatory sort of experience, check that box. Then I stay there. Sometimes I I I hold my breath while I'm doing this, and and I stay in the cold until, I don't know, until I feel my heart rate slow down. And at that point, I know I've stimulated the vagus nerve. I I I hope that the fibers that to the heart are also, because I've stimulated those and my heart rate slowed, I hope I hope I've also stimulated the fibers to to slow my inflammatory response in my spleen and elsewhere. But that's a little more difficult to prove. And and the studies on on cold exposure, adapted cold exposure, where people, there's there's some studies from Scandinavia where they took, soldiers, military types, and they put them in a cold room, like four degree centigrade cold room, and sprayed them in cold water and put a fan on them, and they let them stay there for a long, long time. Some of those studies show pretty decent evidence that their heart rate slow down and their inflammatory responses are slowed down. So that's why I do it, and that's how I put it together. The fight or flight, that acute stress response, that's a massive fight or flight response, that's anti inflammatory. And then the cold adapted response is a vagus response, and that's anti inflammatory. But, you know, what about then the chronic stress you talked about earlier in the show in your own life and in in your listeners' lives? Chronic stress is not really full blown fight or flight that we just talked about. Chronic stress is low grade, persistent fight or flight. It's not the same thing. Low grade chronic fight or flight stimulates inflammation. And that's that's really important. So you can have it both ways. Fight or flight can be good for you, and that's probably what happens when you exercise. Exercise is a form of controlled good stress, controlled fight or flight. But it's that chronic gnawing away, eating at you fight or flight, that low low levels that actually produce inflammation. So that's why I do the cold showers. Now there's other ways of doing it, and there's people advocating in you know, there's billions impression of of web impressions on vagus nerve and cold, billions. And everyone's, some of them are based on good science, and and some of them have to be treated with a little bit more caution in their interpretation. What about prayer? So prayer is complicated because it involves, relaxation responses, and it involves changes in your breathing. And so, the simple answer is if you wanted to take it to the highest level as as you suggested in the beginning of the show, if you check your pulse and you have a slow, pulse during prayer, you've maybe you've stimulated your vagus nerve by the by by prayer. But it you said is it spiritual or not? Well, that's hard to prove, but you can prove to yourself that by changing your breathing pattern, you can slow your pulse. So you could do it right now. Right? You can check your pulse, and you can breathe in on three slowly through your nose. What happens when you take three sort of big breaths, three seconds, one, two, three seconds, usually, some people advocate taking it as sniffing through your nose for three seconds, You fill those lungs. You've stimulated your vagus nerve. But but let's talk about that specifically. What you've actually stimulated are the sensory fibers of the vagus nerves from your lungs to your brains because you've expanded your lungs that stretch. The signals goes up and and and they tell your brain, okay. This guy or gal has has filled their lungs and, that so you've stimulated your vagus nerve. Is that really the same thing as as the fibers that go to your heart or your spleen? Not really. But then what happens, after the signals go into your brain, now you exhale for seven seconds. And if you check your pulse, you'll feel it slow. That's called respiratory sinus arrhythmia. And now you're breathing on a a ten second cycle, three plus seven, and that would be six breaths a minute. If you keep doing that, for a few minutes, you'll you'll know you'll notice during exhalation that your heart rate has slowed because the signals from your brain are traveling down your vagus nerve to slow your heart. Now if that happens during prayer or any type of meditation or relaxation therapy, then, yeah, it it's it's a good thing to slow the vagus nerve to stimulate the vagus nerve and slow your heart. Hopefully, it it that those those methods are also slowing the amount of inflammation that your body makes, but it's very, very difficult to prove that. It's not well proved. Right. Isn't this good, you guys? Alright. A few more things. And I want everybody to go get The Great Nerve by doctor Kevin Tracy. That's what you need to do. It's I read it in two days. And, I wanted it to even be longer. It's it's it's it's it's not a book that when you're done, you're like, I want too many chapters. It's you you even want more. It's that good, you guys. I wanna ask you about this inflammation thing, and then I wanna talk about heart and brain coherence, my friend, doctor Joe Dispenza, talks about. So I wanna understand this inflammation thing a little more. We're kinda going backwards, but we're not. My dad died my dad got cancer in his, early sixties, and he lived for about eight years. He died in his early seventies. My dad was very fit, worked out all the time, ate clean, didn't drink for thirty five years, quit smoking forty years ago. And I was is the idea that when you have chronic inflammation in your body am I way off on this? My dad was a stressor. My dad worried. Like, just you'd walk in a room, and I love him, but he'd almost, you know, he'd sigh him like, dad, what's wrong? I don't know. You know, just like that was his normal disposition. You know what I'm saying? And I would have loved to seen his HRV and his resting heart rate and all this other stuff. But is the idea that if you live in that mode, am I crazy to think that it may trigger some form of gene expression in your body prematurely? Meaning and I know there's no proof of this. I just want your opinion. Meaning, you know, you're predisposed to get cancer. Maybe it should have been triggered in your eighties, but you've just lived in this inflammatory mode all your life. And so this expression, frankly, cranks on younger and earlier in your life than it would have otherwise. Am I out of my mind to think that there's a correlation between those things, Or do you what do you think? And I know you're a doctor, and we need randomized controlled blinds. I didn't get all that. But just what do you think? Well, I think that this could be the topic of another four hour show. That's the that's the simple answer. It's complicated because it goes both ways. That's at the end of the day, that's the simple answer. What happens in your brain affects what happens in your body. What happens in your body affects what happens in your brain. So tuck that away as the answer. But the second answer is, it's genes and environment. It's nature and nurture. And you can't separate those. So you, let's do that one first. So two guys are playing golf and, they get hit by lightning and they both get killed. Is that change or environment? You tell me. Well, it's environment, right? And then I tell you it's a father son combination and they play golf on Friday every weekend, in the summer when the the the when the lightning comes out. So now it's genes and environment. Right? So the same the same kind of logic can be applied to everything you just said happened, to your dad. So let's just we'll we'll play it backwards and forwards. Let's talk about the anxiety and the the worry first. So, obviously, it's possible that that as they as as people like to say, there's an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain that that that contribute contributing to him having a gnawing depression or a gnawing anxiety. Well, it's possible, but there's no proof of that. The most commonly, the most commonly, used, antidepressants in the world, the the SSRIs, the serotonin based drugs, there's zero evidence linking serotonin as a causative factor in in depression. Zero. The only evidence for, for serotonin that has stood this test of time is is a is a secondary evidence, meaning that some people who take SSRIs have less depression. That doesn't prove cause and effect because SSRIs do other things in the body. They don't just go to the neurons in your brain that allegedly have a serotonin problem. Okay. So we don't understand that. We don't understand depression. That's the point. However, we do know that SSRIs in, in various conditions they've been studied are anti inflammatory. So now, what about this scenario for your dad? Your poor dad, lived his whole life, maybe induced by, by drinking, extra pint or two along the way, or maybe because he had an underlying viral infection, but deep in his tissues, he had inflammation. And I already talked about it. Inflammation in the body sends signals up the vagus nerve, which caused depression. What if that happened to him? That's very possible. And maybe that depression, altered the balance of his sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. So maybe he did have less less breaks on his inflammatory response. And maybe that inflammation, either from the underlying cause, which we don't know what it was and never got diagnosed, or from the uncontrolled inflammation that he experienced as a result of his depression, maybe maybe that caused his cancer. So it's I'm not evading your question. I am I am adding a layer of understanding that it's more complicated than these one off things that you see so many times on these self help pages. If it look. I've met people with serious, rheumatoid arthritis, and I keep talking about that because that's what the FDA label says for the new device. I've met people with serious rheumatoid arthritis who are fit, who are healthy, who work out like you do, are very aggressive and and careful about what they eat and about their weight management and about their meditation strategies, and and they still have severe rheumatoid arthritis. Is is that is that their fault that that they're not exercising? And no. Of course not. It might be that, that their vagus nerve circ circuits are dysfunctional, that they are broken. And that could have been the case in your dad. He may have had a perfectly healthy brain, but maybe his vagus nerve got trashed along the way. And and we saw that in COVID. I don't know if you saw this, but in, COVID victims were studied at autopsy in in, I believe it was in Madrid, Spain. I mean, this got huge news coverage when it came out. But their vagus many of the vagus nerves in the deceased were severely injured, and many of the vagus nerves in the deceased had the virus in the nerve. And so then since then, a number of studies have looked using fMRIs and ultrasound imaging at COVID survivors who had long haul COVID or have long haul COVID, and they show evidence of damage in their vagus nerve. So now the question is, does the vagus nerve damage precede the inflammation, which precedes the problems in the cancer? So I don't have all the answers, but those are the right questions. I love when I have a doctor on the show who doesn't think he has all the answers, and I am I've been concerned over the last eight or ten years when I have them on and they have every answer, because now they don't have any curiosity and, they're dogmatic. And so I really appreciate your approach. Is there any practice every day, by the way, and you can reply to that. Is there a practice every day, like, you just won't skip as you answer what I just said too? I mean, please don't don't feel obligated to do that first, but go ahead and reply to that. And then also, like, is there something daily, like, hey. This is something every day I do. Period. Well, I really appreciate your comments on dogma. And there is a danger in medicine and science. And frankly, you know, whether you agree with what's going on everywhere in politics today or don't, most people have one position or the other. There is, obvious to me, there is a pushback now against academic dogma as providing all the answers all the time. And there's some of those reasons are not warranted, but some of them actually are. And I think it it's really important when, when we don't have all the answers that we, we say, This is what we know for sure. This is what we are pretty sure is false. And this is what we should be studying. And as you know, and I, I, I wrote the book. One of the reasons I wrote the book was to sort of have that be a message of hope and a call to action. You you really I I really want my colleagues to double down on some of these questions that you've raised in this podcast. Because if we double down on what the questions are, then we can figure out how to find out new answers. And that's what that's what we want. Right? That's what that's what everybody that's what everybody wants. You asked about my, daily habits. I mean, yes. I do I do what what grandma said and what, you know, your doctor and what you you say on the show. I I try to watch what I eat. I try to eat a balanced diet. It it it's it's difficult to eat a balanced diet. I frankly find it easier to just avoid carbs, and and eat and eat, protein where I can get it and as many vegetables as I can. I try to exercise regularly. I try to get in, some different forms of exercise. Some some aerobic, some, yoga or stretching and or stretching and and some some strength and isometric. I think all those are important. I think Peter Attia has written written brilliantly about this and and I think he gives very sage, careful advice for people of all ages. I try to get enough rest. I definitely try to get my seven or eight hours sleep. I think that's really important. I don't monitor my rest with a with a wearable because I every person I've ever met who uses a wearable to monitor their sleep wakes up to check their wearable. And I I think you're exactly right, by the way. It's actually it's also the first thing I do when I wake up, then I pray. But if not until I check my Oura ring, which is insane. So I try to, I try to avoid too much, stress in my life. I try to take a stoic approach and focus on the things that I can control and, you know, accept the things that I can't control. And I try to stay, socially engaged with with people that that that I love and communities I care about, and I try to give back to the world. I mean, the the classic things that, as I said, grandma and and hopefully your your your primary care physician is is teaching everybody else to do. It's interesting to me that all of those things tend to slow your heart rate. You know? Yeah. And so maybe maybe maybe we're slowing inflammation in the body. And then at that point, it really is a Pascal's wager for me. You know? I do the cold showers too. We talked about that. And I I don't mind doing those things. They might be good for me. If I'm on my deathbed and I find out that it it was no use whatsoever, well, you know, I did my best. And and if I live to be 120 and I'm healthy, well, that'll be good too. You know? If I look at it like by the way, I'm teaching myself to do hard things. At a minimum, I'm getting that benefit of building some grit. And if there's some internal benefit, which I my hallucination is there probably is, then that's a bonus. But I'm doing difficult things. There's pretty good evidence for parts of the brain that light up on brain scans only when you do something you don't wanna do that's good for you. Yep. And so that strengthening of grit is being studied at the level of brain neurons. And that's interesting too. And I I agree with you. For me, it's stepping in that stupid cold shower. Same here, brother. That's mine, and I don't like it. And I've never adapted to it. So by the way, guys, I don't wanna lose this idea when you're getting the book. I mean, just so you know, the book is fascinating. And just realize, like, I don't wanna bury the lead. I mean, he was a founder of a company that just recently is now putting chips inside of people that is stimulating the vagus nerve. And the potential for what that could mean for inflammation in the body and the reduction of disease potentially in the world is absolutely it's massive. And you all hear about this AI revolution that's happening. This is one of the applications and implications of it, and I wanna make sure the lead isn't buried. That this is this is a time this man earlier in the show, now that you've heard him, this is not a dogmatic opinionated person, you know, and we're just rigid in his ideology. He said earlier in the show that he thinks the potential for electricity in the body and the stimulation of it to replace or at least reduce the need for pharmaceuticals. That's a pretty bold statement, and it's a significant time we're gonna be living through. So, I wanna ask you one last question because I teased it earlier, and I at least wanna have it there for conversation, which is this idea of heart and brain coherence. I just want you to, we'll finish with that, and then I'll I'll talk about the book for a second when we finish. But what is that? Dispenza talks about it, my buddy, who's been on many times. And what are the implications, and why is it relevant in your opinion, if at all? It's relevant in the context of larger picture of health, which which is homeostasis. So what is homeostasis? Homeostasis is a balanced functioning of your organs. So your your your kidneys are making the right amount of urine. Your heart's beating at the right pace to support your blood pressure. Your blood pressure is not too high, not too low. Homeostasis is when all of your organs are operating in a Goldilocks, not too much, not too little kind of output. That is all controlled, second to second, millisecond by millisecond, actually, by reflex signals traveling in mostly in your vagus nerve and in your sympathetic nerves. So if you think about that for a minute, it's kinda mind boggling. I mean, you can separate in in, various experimental models and and even in some pharmacological ones, you can separate the function of sort of your thinking human brain from the brain that's operating all day long to control these these reflexes. And when you look at the output of those organs the beauty of it, is that it's not railroad ties boom boom boom boom boom it's waves So the the harmony between the organs, if you were to measure each organ as having its own output and you do that electrically, what you see looks like a symphony, not banging a gong. In fact, if you see a banging gong, and I can, and I can direct you to a place where you could see it this afternoon, it would be in the ICU of a hospital. So, when people are critically ill, say they've had sepsis for a long period of time, and they're the and, and they're very, very sick, the their heart their heart rate their heart rate doesn't vary. It's beat, beat, beat, beat. And the outputs of the other organs doesn't vary. It beats with the heartbeat. Everything's in lockstep. It's almost it's the opposite of a symphony of a symphony. It's a banging of a gong. And so I don't think we fully understand what that means. But but it points to the importance of this of synchronization of harmony between not only the brain and the heart, but the brain and every other organ. And the heart the heart's fun to measure because you can check your pulse, and you can do an EKG, and you can check your blood pressure. And you, and you can experiment on yourself and it's great. But when you apply the same basic teachings to the other organs, it's fascinating. So we're in my lab now. It's the hottest project in my lab now, which we have a whole bunch of people working on it. And we're actually studying the flow of information that's going from the organs in the body up the vagus nerve into the brain. And we're we're hacking into the vagus nerve, signals like, submariners would hack into a transatlantic cable so they could watch a movie on the wall of the submarine by tapping into the cable. We're we're learning how to tap into the vagus nerve to understand what these signals mean and how they work. But the harmony the harmony is the key, harmony is the key thing. People call the vagus nerve, superhighway. It's not, it's not, I never, I never use that description. The traffic, traffic is boring. And the signals in, in the, in the vagus nerve are much more beautiful and and and and harmonious. They're like the they're like the strings of 30 violins all sort of playing in harmony, and that's what health is. You guys, this is such a a great time to be alive. And we we may all have a chance of living a lot healthier and a lot longer here real soon. By the way, that lab, is it Feinstein or Feinstein? Feinstein Institutes at Northwell Health. There you go, you guys. And the book, everybody, is for the fifth time is The Great Nerve by doctor Kevin Tracy. And I think you could tell today. There's a lot in this book. There's no wasted pages. Every page is interesting. You're gonna learn something. And I know you did today, guys. You guys wanna have them back on? I can hear you yelling in your car right now. Yes. They're on their treadmills yelling. So we're gonna have you back. We'll we'll take a little breather for a while, but we're gonna have you back and unpack a bunch more stuff together. Okay? I look forward to that, and I I wanna thank you for your preparation and your insights to this. This has been a real pleasure talking to you, and and thank you, for having me on. Been my honor, brother. Alright. God bless you, everybody. Share this episode. You need to share this one. Max out your life. Take care.

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## Sage Robbins Reveals the Real Path to Peace and Fulfillment! [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFR4lsbZeoQ
- **Published:** 1 month ago

My father, gosh, I think he's fifty four years sober. My grandfathers were both in AA. My one sister was addicted to heroin. I had another sibling that was addicted to crack cocaine. And so addiction and AA and the 12 SIP program has been so instrumental and shaped so much of who I am. My gosh. Wow. Letting go and surrendering to God his care and concern and plan as well. That's the thing as I've gotten older that I probably appreciate the most. There's my business, there's your business, and there's God's business. I think it was just acceptance of the humanness because that's where we all meet. I'm human, you're human, I screw up, I miss. Whether you're an addict or not, we all go blind. I think that's the gift when we take responsibility for our experience of life. We recognize that who's in our life is a gift to love. We never know what tomorrow's gonna bring. Do you think that's why you give others so much grace? Yes. Through God's grace, I've been extended grace. It naturally extends to others, and it's a sane and kind way to be. I think that that's the true empowerment is when we recognize what is no longer needed, that disconnect us from love, that disconnect us from our nature, when we start to invite our awareness and our attention to this moment. That's where life really begins. Alright. Welcome to the show, everybody. So I've had her husband on, like, five times, and I'm sick of him. I'm just gonna be honest with you. I'm just kidding. He's one of my favorite people in the world. But for a long time, I've wanted to have a conversation with this woman. Someone I I was in Boston last night. I was telling people how excited I was about this conversation. They said, oh, the the woman behind the man. I said, no. This is the woman with the man standing right next to him. And, of the few events I've been to of Tony Robbins, I love Tony, and he's been a mentor about everybody that's been on this show. Show. But when I leave, I feel myself remembering and being most impacted by the things Sage has said. And, I think I know why as I prep for this interview as I learned more about her. So she in her own right is a world renowned speaker. She's a mentor, huge philanthropist. But when I think of Sage Robins, I think about her heart. I think about her grace. I think about her wisdom. And you'll hear it immediately when you hear her voice. She there's there's just a piece about her that she transfers to other people that's just magic. And so today is gonna be an incredible conversation with Sage Robbins. Sage, finally, welcome to the show. Well, Ed, it's such a gift to be with you as well and as well your listeners, and thank you for your gracious, introduction. It's true. Can you hear it, everybody? It's already there. You can hear it. So she's here to promote, which Tony's done many times. This year, they're having a Time to Rise Summit, January '31. You all need to go get registered for that. We're gonna put the link to it in the show notes. Every year, Tony and Sage and a few others do a free event that I still can't believe is free for multiple days that, changes people's lives. It's changed literally millions of people's lives, and so please make sure you register for that. I think you would suck at that. Right, Sage? Yes. It's absolutely, Ed. And what's amazing is Tony created the summit in 2020, actually, and we were collectively all in the middle of the uncertainty and chaos of the pandemic. And this is really when this, you know, time to rise was was birthed. And what's so extraordinary is what started, with Tony's intention to serve, and mission has really become a global movement. Interesting. And over the past five years or past five years, we've had the privilege of, you know, connecting and having over 5,000,000 people join the Rise Up Summit. So, yeah, it's amazing. Did you hear that, you guys? 5,000,000 people. Yes. Tony and Sage Robbins can gather that many people. So it's gonna be awesome. Join them there, you guys. I I can't endorse it enough. You'll love it. Thank you. Okay, Sage. Here's the thing. I didn't know this about you. So everybody lean in here. This is gonna be awesome. So I grew up with a father in recovery. Well, the first fifteen years of my life, my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and then he got sober. And then I started to read about you, and so I'd like to just start there from my own personal reasons. So who was it in your family that was in recovery? And were they in recovery the entire time, or were they addicted at some point and then got sober during your your lifetime? Yes. Thank you, Ed. My father, he has over gosh. I think he's fifty four years sober. Wow. I've probably been to more AA meetings in my life than I have church. Probably not, but close to, let's just say. Yeah. I literally was raised in an in, AA meetings and, what's interesting is it wasn't just my father. My grandfathers were both in AA. My one sister was addicted to heroin, for a big portion of her life. I had another sibling that was addicted to crack cocaine. And so addiction and AA and the 12 SIP program has been so instrumental in just who I am and shaped so much of who I am. And and it's funny, you know, growing up and listening to the serenity prayer, you know, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I heard that prayer over and over and over again. And and yet at this stage of my life, I recognize and understand and experience what it means. Mhmm. And I missed you know, I always thought that AA and the 12 step program was for those people, for those people who are addicted. And I suppose if we're human, we all have blind spots in areas of patterns of addiction. And I had no clue of how much, the 12 steps of AA shaped who I am impacted who I am, the notion of sponsorship and servitude and Gotcha. You know, my father also, my parents, you know, in our home, they often, you know, like, the people that you wouldn't necessarily believe that would be coming over for Christmas dinner, They were always at our home, you know? The whoever just got out of jail and, my my father is just such a decent human, both my mother and my father, and really shaped, who I am and and how I relate to people from all walks of life. I can't believe you're saying this because that's funny. While we're recording this, you guys, it's a few days before Christmas. And I was just saying to my daughter this morning, we had some characters over my home during the holidays. Yes. Wonderful people, but then had just gotten out of jail. Yes. I've had many, many years of using drugs, same exact thing. Yes. Yeah. So I grew up around Amy. My dad ended up passing away thirty five years sober when he died. Wow. And, but the the transformation of having a sponsor and someone that wants cared about you and taking these steps has been a I think that's why I do what I do here. It's probably because my dad got sober and what I've learned from AA. So I'm so grateful. That's amazing. It isn't. I did and I didn't know that about you either. Right? Yes. I'm curious what part of it impact you the most. I'll tell you what part for me as I've gotten older that I appreciate more, and I'd I'd love your wisdom on this. It's the surrendering part that was hard for me when I was young and climbing and wanting to assert influence and control over my own life, yet that nuance of letting go and surrendering to God, you know, his care and concern and plan as well. That that's the thing as I've gotten older that I probably appreciate the most. I'm just curious about that nuance for you, how you view that. Because Tony and you teach these tools of how to change your life, yet at the same time, surrendering to a higher power and having, you know, that that surrendering that control, so to speak. I'm curious what your view is on that. Yes. Well, I love that you use the word nuance, because it is nuanced to surrender. It's kinder and saner when we do. That's my experience. Because a lot of times, what we're surrendering is the expectation that life should be different than what is. You know, what is is reality. And, from my own experience, Ed, is, you know, I have suffered the most when I believe that life should be different than whether it's a diagnosis, whether it's, you know, a mother with, dementia or, you know, my own health challenge or what whatever it looks like or somebody that's just passed. I think it's the overlays that life is unjust or, unfair that AA really schooled me to recognize or at least one of the pathways, if I'm honest, of, what surrender what living surrender looks like, in the moment, in real time, because I think that that's where the real blessedness comes from. It's not and I I don't know about you, but I don't have this mastered. I'm ongoing and it's it's an evolution, for me, this thing called surrender. But it's also selfish because it's, it's freeing. It's freeing and creates spaciousness where there's resistance, when I don't. So that's one of the I'd say I I'm aligned with you. I'd say that's one of the great impacts of AA. A second one I would say is where we began in this conversation, Ed, and I didn't realize how powerful it was, but witnessing my parents accept and bring human beings into our family's house that have done, quote, unquote, horrible things, I really feel is one of the gifts that AA offers and is missed in a world where cancel culture is so or demonizing people and blaming people for something that somebody did or said a year ago or, five years ago or ten years ago. And, you know, with that mirror with that mirror of acceptance, with that mirror of it wasn't even forgiveness. It was it was greater than that. I think it was just acceptance of the humanness because that's where we all meet. You know? I'm human. You're human. I screw up. I miss. Whether you're an addict or not, we all go blind. And I feel that that living, ever evolving example of acceptance that my father and my mother reflected to us was so has shaped who I am as a woman and as a human. Just amazing. By the way, I'm already done with the episode for me. You just I'm serious. I my gosh. Wow. I feel like I have a lot of weaknesses, but one of my strengths is my, I think I have, you know, patience and compassion with people. I don't just see them for their behaviors. I I and I think that's because of what you just described when when someone would be in our home and my dad would say, so, you know, Joe's coming to dinner tonight. Joe's a friend, Bill w, and a friend of mine. I went, oh, okay. And Yeah. He would maybe share with me a little bit of his story. And, I would just see this person differently. I would wanna know them and their story and their wounds and their trauma and, a little bit more empathy. And I my gosh. I look at the world today, and I I wish the fact that you have that or I have that didn't stand out maybe so much. I mean, I'm sure it hurts your heart just to see how we treat people that we might just even just disagree with politically even. Yes. What are your thoughts about that? Like, what advice would you give to somebody who you know, they've got a family member they used to be very close to, and now they aren't because of the way they vote. My goodness. Right? Like, what would you say to somebody who just struggles with finding love and compassion for someone that they may not align with on every topic? Well, you know, number one, I just feel that, when we recognize that we're all human, you know, when you recognize that we all have our gifts and yet we're all unconscious at times Yeah. There's an allowance for the humanness when we have a willingness to drop our external blame and demonization of one another, Ed. It's my experience that we start to, understand one another. Because if I'm only focused on what you're doing, if I'm only focused on what you're saying or how you're blind or how so and so's, you know, whatever, an idiot or unconscious or, whatever political party or however we label and identify people, we miss how am I being, how are you being. I think, like, that's the most powerful reflection or self reflection. And it's interesting. I don't know if you're familiar with Byron Katie's work. She talks about I just read the book. It's right there. I just Oh. Sage, it's the last book I read before this interview. Well, that's amazing. That's The work. Right? The work. Yes. The work. Yes. Oh my god. So she's a very dear friend, and I we adore her. And we have it our her at a number of our platinum partnership programs. And she has a simple, mindset that there's my business, there's your business, and there's God's business. And that has been so revolutionary of how I perceive life because I'm aware it's like, oh, that's none of my business. It's your business. Whatever you're doing, what people believe, what their preferences are, whether it be political, whether it be sexual, whether it be religious, whatever floats somebody's boat. Mhmm. That's their life. That's that's our autonomy as a human being that we're given that free will. It's a blessing Mhmm. To be able to choose and to connect to what feels honest and true for me or what feels honest and true for you or your listeners. And somehow, well, I suppose, social media, Ed, has been, you know, one of the highways to us or platforms for us being in everybody else's business. But, I think, you know, we live in a world where there's a notion or a, an identity or a label for no contact with our, families. And, you know, it it just invites, I'd say probably the biggest piece I'm passionate about is loving like this was our last day. And, you know, my sister was just diagnosed with cancer just a couple days ago. And, my mama this year, she had, you know, she has dementia, and I never imagined that this holiday would look so different for us as a family. And we never know what tomorrow's gonna bring. None of us. We know we don't know whether, you know, our parents that, you know, because they didn't love us the way that we wanted to be loved. Well, I'm a parent. You're a parent. Yes. Who's loving every single moment? Right. You know what I mean? We we make people wrong. We choose to have no contact for being human. You're so right. For doing what I do, for doing what you do, which means we, as human, we we screw up at times. We're harsh at times. We can be unconscious at times. And I once again, I mean, this takes me back to AA, Ed, but I really feel that that is, it's just something to really self reflect Yes. And to connect to. And if we separate or have no contact with our parents or with our siblings, that hurts us. That hurts us. And even though we say that it doesn't, to close off a part of ourselves, that affects our well-being of mind. It affects how we, you know, how we have resonance with one and never never mind ourselves. Wow. Resonance with one another. I'll mess up her work, but along the lines that you're talking about with her work that you're referring to, one of the questions you ask yourself in her work I've been asking myself this now for, like, a week. It's the last book I read which is she talks about, is this true, and are you sure it's true, a thought you have opinion you have about somebody. But the one of the questions is, who would I be if I didn't have that thought anymore or I didn't believe that? And I think it's so valuable to ask yourself, like, who who would you be if you didn't hold this resentment towards somebody? Yes. If you didn't have this very narrow view of who they are. That's the one thing about my dad being an AA when I would meet people. I realized they're a soul, and their their story is not just what they've done. But there's a there there's a much deeper view of a human, of a soul, and that we put these people in boxes and we simplify one another. Who would you be if you didn't hold on to that resentment anymore? Would you be if you gave them another chance? You know, who would you be if you opened yourself back up? Anyway, I just it's amazing that you mentioned that book and her work and and and during this time too. So good. I agree, Ed. And, you know, I've done a lot of the work of Katie's work. And, at the beginning when I was first introduced to it, Ed, I don't know about you. I don't know if you've actually sat down and done the, like, the work itself on on paper. Ego is so seductive, and it moves so quickly. And so when I started to do the work, I was doing it in my mind. And so I would think of a resentment and, you know, I'd be you know, just oh, gosh. Who would I be? But the real fruit of actually doing the work is to taking time to write it out. And so for those of you, we're speaking about something that's a four step process. And, it's called The Work by Byron Katie. If you have somebody in your life, a parent or a sibling or anybody in your that you've disconnected from or you've chosen to have no contact, I highly invite you. The work is free. You can print it out and, you can print it out at thework.com. But what's really powerful is to sit with it and to actually fill out the worksheet and to be still. Can you walk us through those four things? Sure. So the fourth step is the very first step is, is it true? So, for those of you who keep it really, really simple. So for example, if I was upset with, say, my sister, and so it's usually the extra narcissist is a great one. It's you know, we don't do generalized statements. You do something specific. So my sister, was you could say, you know, my sister was, you know, so harsh. The more specific that we are when you go through it, it's like, my sister is so harsh. Is it true? The first step. Can you absolutely know that it's true? And you go through this process. And then so that's the second question. Can you absolutely know? The third one is, which you mentioned is, who would I be? And for those of you listening, who would I be without the thought, my ex, fill in the blank, is whatever whatever judgment that you have upon them. Right. And then the fourth one, I'm complete oh, the fourth one is, how do I react when I believe that thought? And it's really beautiful. That's where self reflection comes from, Ed. Yeah. How do I react, when I believe that thought that so and so is harsh or narcissistic? And, you know, for example, I close off. Yeah. I shut down. Yeah. I disconnect. I don't reach out to my sister. I'm harsh with her on the phone. I I I'm making it up right now. And then the fourth one is the turnaround, and there's a lot of fruit in that as well, Ed, because, we start to turn around. It's like, okay. My sister's a narcissist or my sister's harsh. I'm a narcissist. I'm harsh. And you find three examples and it's so powerful. It's such a simple process. But for anybody that is disconnected from their families, I I've done a really poor job articulating the process. You can find it on the school for the the work. But it is truly, it's really profound, and it's life changing. It is. And I have to say one thing. I'm glad you mentioned it the way you did because I haven't written it down. Oh, you have to. You know, one of the reasons I think I loved my dad so much and I love people that have been in a 12 step program for a long time Yes. Is they do do a form of work that most people get around to doing. They're much more self reflective. They're self aware. Yes. There's a humility that comes with the program, I think. Don't you agree? Like, my dad just became this wise man. It wasn't his intellect. It was the self reflection. It was the humility Yes. Of seeing himself in other people that I'd I'm really grateful I caught at least a little of that. You know? I think as a parent, a lot of things are caught, not taught. I caught a little of it. You know? Did you learn some of that from your dad too? There's just that self reflection and introspection that most people in a fast life of Instagram and work and kids and soccer and friends, they they spend no time with themselves. True. We can miss ourselves. And, I love how you speak about your daddy, Ed. Mhmm. My father and my mother are just true heroes in my own mind and heart, because of that self reflection, because of that ownership, because, you know, like, my dad was just he stole cars. He, you know I mean, he ended up jay in jail. He he certainly had, his own version of a past, but it was always just very forthright. And I never saw my dad as that man. I had the privilege of experiencing who he is and who he continues to be through evolution. And the 12 steps and, you know, of of Alcoholics Anonymous, has been one of those pathways that has hugely, yes, helped to shape my own self reflection. And I'm so grateful for it, because it's a painful place to be when we don't have that self examination and we live in a world which we experience, you know, whether through politics or through social media ed, that has an external frame of blame, has the external, you did this, you said this, you're this, you're that. And I just really feel that, you know, self examination Yeah. Of seeing how am I being, and what may I be missing, are two really powerful questions for myself that I constantly inquire because that's something that I can affect. This is so good. By the way, everybody, we'll move off of AA in a minute, but I wanted to no. Because I I actually, Sage, you're one of the very few public people, I myself too, that that actually even ever talks about the program at all. And its impact it's it's such an interesting thing that and one of the things I wanna ask you one more part of it. Now let's say let's flip it for a second and that you have done something harsh to somebody. Yes. You know, one of the things that my dad became one of the steps you guys is making amends. Mhmm. And one of the things I loved about my dad, because a lot of times when somebody gets sober, they can still my dad used to go, sometimes I'm a dry drunk. And I would ask my dad, what does that term mean, dad? He goes, well, I still got some of that personality in me still of being an alcoholic. I can be pretty edgy in my temper. And and my dad would it's so funny. We'd have a conversation. Maybe it didn't go well on the phone. And I would I would tell my wife. My dad will call me before bedtime tonight. She won't. And sure enough, the phone would ring. Hey. I was thinking I was wrong earlier. I'm so sorry if I hurt your feet. My dad was very quick to apologize and to make amends and to fix that. And it's one of the most redemptive things I think a human be I wish more of our politicians said, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I I tried to get it right, but I missed this one. Yes. I'm just curious about what your thoughts on that in a relationship, even you and Tony, is to say Yes. Is it I'm sorry. I I I missed that one. I was I was wrong. I wonder the what you think about the power of making amends in your life and acknowledging a mistake and and and, and making that as a a part of the healing process. Well, I find it, so freeing, and I really believe it's one of mine and Tony's superpowers, to in our relationship, it's admission. I went blind. I was harsh. I was a jerk. I was whatever. I was you know, when I spoke to you, I was disconnected. And I'm sorry. I'm I'm sorry versus you did this. You were harsh. You were controlling. We don't see how we behave when we only have an external frame. And, you know, Tony, it's it's just that humbleness and willingness. And what's so beautiful is I I love that your daddy, that you knew that that was predictable. It was. You know, for Tony or I, if I'm either say, if I left the room, within two minutes, I walk back. Or if not, he's coming after me. And we both I think that's the gift when we take responsibility for our experience of life, and we recognize that who's in our life is a gift to love. Okay. You know, that's what a 100% responsibility looks like is looking to tidy, you know, tidy up the space because then that creates a newness. Tony and I have been together over twenty six years, and we have deeper love and just joy and beauty and laughter and, togetherness and just closeness in our family that, I never imagined actually, at this stage of our relationship. And I I really feel that I don't know. You know? Saying I love you is one thing, but to say I'm sorry takes humility, and it humbles us. It grounds us. It strips ego. And I I'm so passionate about it, and my parents were an example. And it's been such a gift in mine and Tony's person personal or intimate relationship. What about you with you and your lady? I'm curious. I think so. I think she's probably better at it than I am. I'm I'm I'm quicker to do it sometimes. And that's the other part of it too. I think that Hey, guys. You want some business advice? Shopify. Let me just tell you something. From when I started on this podcast when I was beginning, when I had a big dream probably like you do, I was completely lost other than the idea of it. I didn't know how to get online, website, emails, marketing. How do you check somebody out? What do you do if they wanna return? And you know what? It's hard to focus on all those things and make your business actually a real thing. So instead of dreaming of, like, going into outer space in your business and having no idea how to get there, take a rocket ship and that's Shopify. You're gonna need a website. If you got that, you need a payment system, a logo, a way to advertise. Whatever it might be, Shopify can help you. 10% of all online commerce is done by Shopify. They're the guys you wanna go see if you're beginning or if you're a big business or mid sized business as well. Turn those dreams into and give the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com/mylette. Go to shopify.com/mylette. Shopify.com/mylette. I don't know. I I feel like in my life, whether it be with my wife or any of my friends, I wanna be better. I I I I my outcome in my life at this stage is to be to be better. And then I kinda know my patterns, you know, thanks to your husband. He's one of the people that helped learn me this. And one of my He's such a legend, that guy. He's pretty good. There's no there's no one like him. I I always say I really feel that Tony's the godfather of this industry that Oh, Sage. That's without question. Yes. Sage. People ask me sometimes. I I will I I was kidding when I opened. I'm sick of this guy. This man's changed my life. And people say, what are all the people that have been I've had 800 something guest on my show. Wow. Have in common. Right? And I usually say, we're descendants of the Tony Robbins tree. Almost but I've had Matthew McConaughey on or beautiful. Brain surgeon from Harvard. You know? Yes. We've somehow been impacted by Tony Robbins. And I introduced Tony one time, and I meant it. I think he's the most influential person of this generation of the last hundred years. I agree with you. And I really believe that. And so I agree with you. But having said that, you know what's pretty cool to hear for everybody? That, even you guys gotta work on your relationship, that even the two of you disagree and that he is also a human and makes mistakes and missteps in life as well. Of course. Gives people hope. Of course. I you know, when people say, like, oh my gosh. It's easy for you. It's you know, you're Tony and Sage Robins. I'm always like, what does that mean? We're human beings who miss. And, of course, I I I think that's the gift is is putting these practices to work, to life. And, you know, Ed, you said something about being a better human being. I don't know that it's about being better. I I think it's about, becoming our most authentic versions of ourselves or our most sincere. And I experienced that I'm more, of my authentic self, and there's more sincerity, through the willingness to admit. I love that you admitted, that your wife, will go first more often and say sorry. And so that's such a beautiful practice after this conversation. It's true. Try it on. Mhmm. Just notice because we all know what closing feels like. It's resistance or the when the ego wants to be right or, you know, wants to be, you know, it's like my way or to control a circumstance. It's like, hon. I'm so sorry. I'm, like, such a knucklehead or I was, like, so harsh. I was an asshole. Whatever you wanna say. Whatever's true. Yeah. Not my words, your words, but it's like, I spoke in a tone of voice that feels insincere to me. I think that's how, you know I don't know if it's better. I just think it's it's I suppose it's more in that state, my heart opens. Yeah. Because I'm not we, what would you say? You know, we close our heart through defense and through blame, and I think we open it through admission and through, self reflection and and and to act on that, to take responsibility. And to just Tony and I have a practice. It's just like, I'm committed to going first. He's committed to going first. And so you make that commitment to yourself, never mind your lady, and you're gonna surprise her. That was a wow right there. Wow. You're making see, I'm supposed to make the audience think. You're making me think today and reflect. You're really good. You know, you were married before Sage. Yes. And, I remember I actually knew Tony back then. I remember, you know, that wasn't an easy time, I I imagine, for you. And, I'm grateful that you're willing to talk a little bit about that today. Wondering because you took some you know, that that was not an easy time for you. What did that time teach you, about yourself, about you you know, you took some criticism, I remember, at the time, you know, about all that. How did that impact you? Like, that stage of your life, if you just speak on it, what did you go through there, and what did you learn? Well, it matured me. Mhmm. It schooled me. You know, I don't know that there's per se like, I used to think it was, like, the wrong decision as a younger version of myself. Mhmm. I can't look at it that way, Ed. I it was an experience, and that experience taught me a lot. And, you know, who I am today, the woman I am today, everything's like a puzzle piece. You know, it's like stepping stones. And my first marriage was that even though, you know, it was for a certain window of time, it's it's funny. He and I spoke for the first time, after so many years, Ed, just about a year and a half ago. And it was so nice just to say hello and, you know, God bless. And I hope all is well in your life because I think that's you don't spend, you know, a certain amount of years with somebody and, you know, not wish for their happiness. And, and I feel like that's the gift of life coming full circle. But I would say the biggest piece is it matured me. Mhmm. You know, I I have so much of who I am today. I I think, you know, self reflection, I suppose, once again, it was easier for me at that stage of my life. I had more of a lens of what he was missing. And through that maturity and that experience, I really, dug down at a super different level of of honesty. When I see you, I think of someone who gives other people a lot of grace. That's just my perception. Right? I think the reason I said peaceful when I introduced you is that, there are certain human beings that are in touch with either God or a part of themselves that I feel like when they, and by the way, I've met I have coaches like this. So this is not some, you know, whimsical, mansey, Pamsey thing I'm describing here. What what what I mean by that is that I don't feel a lot of judgment when you interact with people. And so I I call that grace, but it seems to me as if there's just you're seeing someone as they are and maybe even the best version of them. And then I heard you have this thing that you do daily called sixty seconds of grace. If I mess that up, you can tell me. But Yes. What is that? Is that a practice that you do literally every single day? Well, I wanna say something about what you said earlier. You had mentioned about us being, you know, going through and my first divorce and being criticized. That was also something that humbled me. Yeah. And, those, you know, circumstances when your life plays out on the world stage, I think that teaches you a different level of acceptance and nonjudgment or at least to drop your judgments because, you know, it's, you I guess you just recognize that we're all human for my own path. And, but, anyways, you had mentioned about Well said, by the way. You're right about that. I've lived it. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And so those criticisms, you know, it really I don't know. It it it humbled me, and I I recognize that humiliation is the fruit of humiliation is humbleness. It's it's it strips. It strips, like, you know, the illusion of control or the energy that it takes to hold out these innocent facades or our conditioned parts of ourself. And, I think that's the gift of vulnerability and and transparency that sometimes can be missed. I just think you're tremendous. Do is do you think that's why you give others so much grace because you had to give it to yourself? Yes. Yeah. And, you know, by the way, you said I'm peaceful. I'm not peaceful every single moment. There's a force of freaking nature in this woman, in this human, and I can be a hurricane. And the grace, yes, or the peace, through God's grace, I've been extended grace. And through difficult times in my life, there's just been generosity of this human spirit, and that's really schooled me how to be. And, yes, I really feel that the more graciousness that we can bestow upon ourself or extend to ourself, it naturally extends to others. Mhmm. And it's a a sane and kind way to be. Why not? There's enough people spewing judgments and opinions. This world doesn't need any more opinions. You know what I mean? Yep. But perception, willingness and receptivity to see ourselves. That's fresh. What's the sixty seconds of grace? Is that an actual practice you'd recommend somebody do, or is that just sixty seconds of grace? What is that? Ed, I discovered sixty seconds of grace. I was you know, we were traveling Tony and I were traveling the world at that time, probably close to, gosh, over two hundred and fifty days of the year. Mhmm. We would, on average, travel the globe close to, like, two times a year. And so we were at events. There's bright lights, there's music, and a whole heck of a lot of human beings. And at that time, I was doing meditation in the morning. I was bookending my days, and I was doing meditation at night. And I I remember this moment, and I was feeling really overwhelmed and stacked. And I made my way out to the loading dock, because that was just a lot of times where I ended up where it was quiet. And I sat on a forklift, and I closed my eyes, and I gathered my attention and awareness back to my own breath and what was happening in this moment. And it was a way of realigning. It was a way of tuning in. Yeah. It's a way of resetting. It's really for myself. It's like a a moment to moment at times practice of tuning back in and, noticing because that's where mindfulness really comes to life. We can do it right now if you like. Yeah. Let's go. Okay. Okay. So fantastic. So, Ed, and and all of those, of you who are listening, let's simply close our eyes and adjust yourself so that you're comfortable. And notice your breath. Notice the miracle of your body being breathed. The miracle of life itself that's happening within us, that's guided us to this exact moment of time. And as you inhale, you're breathing in the atmosphere of this moment, the miracle of this moment. And as you exhale, you're simply letting go of everything and anything that's no longer needed. So allow the miracle of your breath, the natural rhythm of your inhale and exhale As you continue and if your mind wanders, simply invite your awareness back to this moment. Let's simply take a few moments of grace, of peace. Gently open your eyes. I don't want to. Okay. That's too good. Alright. That's like the all time greatest podcast moment. Do we have to do the rest of the podcast, Sage, though? So good. I I wanna tell you one thing. By the way, everybody, you feel that? 3,000,000 people just clipped that audio so that they can play that every single moment themselves, I could tell you. That was wonderful, Sage. What did you experience? What did you notice? I know exactly what I noticed. I'll tell you one thing. My breathing, I was very conscious of my breathing. Mhmm. But, you know, in my case, I've been doing a practice very similar to that, so I could tell you what I noticed, which is just it's the word you use. Like, what a miracle just being here is. Yes. And how, you know, I'm a climber just like you or Tony or anybody or anybody that's listening to this, but, like, just being grateful for, like, the most simple, beautiful things And, being grateful for that moment, to be honest with you, is my main thing. What about you? So therefore, being grateful for this moment. Yes. You said something there I wanna ask you about. So I've been dying to ask you because you said something about there, what's no longer needed. So I wanna tell you about I bought this place, and at the place that I own, there's, there were two bald eagles that lived there. And they were there about ten years before me. Fred and Wilma, we call them. Them. And Fred got sick. And, unfortunately, he passed away, and Wilma was left on her own. And, anyway, about six weeks after he passed away, the people from the bird sanctuary told me it's highly likely that Wilma will go soon. She'll be next. Mhmm. And then I hear this, like, woodpecker noise for weeks, and I asked some of the people on the island. I said, like, on my place, the island I own, I said I said, do we have woodpeckers? They said, no. It's Wilma. She's kind of hammering her beak against the rocks. I said, my gosh. What's the deal? We should call is she trying to take her own life? What is she doing? Anyway, I called the lady from the bird sanctuary, and she goes, oh my gosh. She goes, mister Mylett, this is an amazing process she's going through. She's sharpening her beak, and she said in a few weeks, you're gonna see many of her feathers are going to disappear. And I said, why is that? And she said, she's remaking herself. And what she's doing, Ed, is she's sharpening her beak so that she can pluck the feathers that no longer serve her. And she's gonna extend her life by maybe double. And I thought, what an amazing metaphor for life. She literally by the way, she's now got a new guy. She's had three kids. They've got a new nest, and she's like Wow. But literally what she did is she became aware of what was no longer needed. It would no longer serve to her. How big of a part of your life is that? Just that. Because I've heard you say that several times. Yes. Huge. And it's something that, I invite my awareness to because I think that that's the true empowerment, Ed, is when we recognize, like, what is no longer needed, The simple judgments or resistance or blame or demonization or labels or or habits or patterns that, disconnect us from this moment, that disconnect us from love, that disconnect us from our nature. I that ego is incredibly wise. And, you know, it's interesting because life we you know, in order to experience our nature, we need space. We need spaciousness in order to experience peace. We need spaciousness with inside of ourselves. And when we're constantly distracting ourselves or filling our mind with, you know, everything, external everything that's going on, we miss this internal awareness, and we miss the connection and, to the miracle, to this moment. And that's something that I find rearranging is when we start to invite our awareness and our attention to this moment. That's where life really begins. How have you not been doing this stuff on podcast longer? You're I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I've done 820 of these. This is one of one, what we're talking about here today. So I'm being serious. Okay. We've talked a lot of things that theoretically, I wanna ask something because we're gonna run out of time. By the way, guys Okay. The fastest forty minutes so far ever or whatever the heck is going. Seriously. If I go back to AA, you know when things used to break my heart? And this is what I wanna it kinda leads to the summit in the sense that Okay. I I tell you what I mean by that. My dad would bring these folks over, and I would know their stories. And I knew they were in the program, although it's an anonymous program, so there wasn't a lot of discussion about specific things. But I remember asking my dad, you know, fifteen years later, hey, dad. How's Joe doing? How's Sarah? And some of the times, my dad would say, they're doing great. You know, they just got their fifteen year chip, you know, for being sober. But other times, my dad would say, we can't find him. Yes. And I said, well, dad, how long was he sober? He goes, Ed, eleven years, and then he fell off again. Or she was sober eight years, and she fell off again. And I inevitably, when I would ask my dad, I would say, what happened? And usually what my dad would say is they stopped working the program. They stopped going to meetings. And and so although all of these things we talk about, everybody, these thoughts and these practices matter, so does sticking with a routine in a program to some extent. I think you would agree with that, Sage. And so that's why Tony's work is so profound. I like some of mine as well that there's tactics and there's strategies to life that there's gotta be a routine. Did you that too where people got off the program and then my dad, Sage, to the day he passed away, was going to meetings five, six days a week. During during chemotherapy, he would go to meetings because it was such a part of who he became his routine in his program. So all the being free and being open and plucking our feathers and all that is part of it. So is also strategy. Yes. Your thoughts on that. Well, Tony is such a masterful strategist. And, yes. You know, my father is 85 years old, and he actually just birthed, a meeting with a a collective group of individuals called Redemption Road. And, it's so cool to witness and experience how he's working the steps in his life today, what sponsorship looks like, what paying it forward looks like. And, you know, he keeps showing up, and he keeps showing up for others, but, also, he keeps showing up for himself. It's been a very humbling year and a painful year with my sweet mama and this thing called dementia. And, so I've really watched I've just watched I I don't know something that I think I was ignorant to. I don't know what I thought, but I'm just amazed at watching my father still do the work, at watching him still, you know, I don't know, be humbled by life, be opened by life, be schooled by life. And, really, I feel like the serenity prayer has really taken flight in my father's way of being with my mom, and I've been just so schooled. And I so admire how he's navigated this chapter for himself and my mom and my whole family, to be quite honest. Just watching them all come together and pray for my parents, and we have a text thread, and it's just been so benevolent and unexpected, Ed. Unexpected. Well, I'm gonna pray for your mom tonight. And when I say I'm gonna pray, I really do. And so we'll Thank you. We're gonna have couple million people here pray for your mom and your dad Thank you. As well. Thank you. Well, I I believe in the power of prayer. When you say that, you know, you'll have a couple million people, the power of us coming together to notice the miracle, the power of us coming together to I think it's why the Rise Up Summit is, so powerful to come together and to intentionally decide how to live our next year of life. There's such power in that aligning and connecting and, you know, self reflecting. So I cannot get over how good today was. I just I can't get over it. I, I've been doing this a while. You know? And so when one of them really impacts me, it reminds me of why I still do this. And so I just want you to know, I think you're a treasure. I'm so grateful that you finally did this. I actually feel like this was God's timing too. I think it's like the right time. Right now. Sage, your message is needed. I mean, it's obviously, you guys have this huge, tremendous platform, but I think you deliver it in a way that, is different and and very special and very unique. And, you know, we covered a lot of things in a very We have covered a lot, Ed. It's been such a gift to be with you. And for those of you who are listening and, have any interest, Tony created the Time to Rise Summit in 2020, and it was right in the middle of the chaos of the shutdown and COVID and, you know, where there was just, a hunger and a desperation for all of us to reconnect to something that was real inside of ourselves. And what started as a mission to serve has literally become a global movement. Over the past five years, Tony has seen over 5,000,000 people in this summit, who have all been committed like you and I, wanting to live a different life and take back their lives. This is a place to learn about the tools and strategies to literally rise above your fears, to rise above your limitations, and to rise above the stories that you've been telling yourself or I've been telling myself why we can't, to reconnect to something deeper and to reconnect to something, the real reason why we're actually here. You'll walk away with a plan, and you'll also wait walk away with practices to live by. And what's amazing, it's free. You can tune in from wherever you are, wherever you are in the world. The Time to Rise Summit is January. Just three days to take back your life. Go to timetorisesummit.com right now and claim your spot, and we look forward to being with you. Tony and I do this together, a portion of it, and it's amazing. Timetorisesummit.com. Ed, it's been, an absolute gift to be with you as well. And what I really notice about you is your own earnest, and sincere, growth, and we meet in that. I trust that all those who are tuning in, we all meet in that. It begins with me. It begins with you, and I really believe that's how we change and bless this world. So good. You're gonna be so proud of you. Hearing him. Uh-huh. I'm so grateful that we took some time today to not only help other people's lives, but to to talk about our fathers, our daddy too. It was really great to connect on that. It really is. I, my dad and my mom are huge. I would never be who I am without their example, and I love that we've got to shine some shine on AA as well in the 12 step program. Whether you're in the program or you're not, it's been a blessing to your life. It's been a blessing to my life, and I find that so powerful. Yep. Today was a blessing to my life. Alright, you guys. Sage, thank you. God bless you, everybody. Max out your life. 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## 4 Brain Types That Unlock Your Memory Potential (Do This To Improve Your Memory) | Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqLzYJCsIR8
- **Published:** 3 weeks ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, here's our first guest. Alright. Welcome back to the show, everybody. Today is a treat for me because I have a friend here. And not only just a friend, it's somebody that I really admire in my personal life. He's always the smartest man in the room, yet he never has the need to make you feel like you need to know that. His level of humility is so inspiring to me because he's become such a successful man. But he's a coach to so many famous people, celebrities, actors, entertainers, behind the scenes, on their brain, on their life. He's been somebody who's helped me with my own life. Every time I see him, I just wanna give him a hug, tell him how much I love him. He's just a tremendous human being. And having said all of that, he's also a brilliant man, and he's one of a kind. And we're gonna dial right into one of his great strengths today, which is your brain and how it functions and how you can get it functioning better. I can't think of a topic I'm more excited about covering with the best in the world. So, Jim Kwik, welcome back for the second time to the show, brother. It's been too long. Yeah. Ed Mylett, thank you so much for having me on your show, and thank you everyone who's tuning in to this, brainy conversation. Well, here's his book, everybody. It's the expanded version of limitless. And I have to tell you, if you look at me holding it up, you're mostly listening to this on audio, but there's just pages marked after marked after marked for my own usage because it's so Jim's been on before. We talked a little bit about this, but this time, I got to read the entire book in this expanded version today. You guys, it's really a textbook on your brain and how to get it to optimize to your full potential. And we're gonna talk about that on today's show. So let's start with this. I just took a quiz right before I came online here that's in the book about the different brain types. It turns out I'm a cheetah. What are you, by the way? And then explain to them what the heck this means. Because I think even understanding your own brain and what type you are gives you a lot of insight on how to make it optimal. So I am an an elephant. My my it's my primary. My secondary is an owl. And, yeah, we'll talk about for people just tuning in, they're wondering, like, what does that even mean? Right. So we created as part of the new expanded edition, creating momentum in your life. I believe one of the most important parts to having fulfillment, greater levels of success is knowing yourself. I think a big part of our own success and fulfillment is having the curiosity to know ourself, and then the other part is having the courage to be ourself, which is a totally different game. So I created this assessment for people who wanna know themselves a little bit better and know the people around them. I pulled from it's a cognitive type assessment, which only takes about four minutes to go through. And I pulled inspiration from things like personality types like Myers Briggs. Mhmm. Science and psychology is like left brain, right brain dominance theory, visual, auditory, kinesthetic processing. We pulled from multiple intelligence theory, Howard Gardner's work out of Harvard University, introvert, extrovert, and so on. And, I realized that after thirty two years as being a full time brain coach that not everything works for everybody. Just like, we're all bio individual, not everybody reacts to every food the same way. And just like there's personalized medicine based on an assessment, like your, like, your DNA or, personalized nutrition based on a nutrient profile or maybe your micro bike, your microbiome test. We created this simple test for personalized learning and performance based on our dominant brain type. And so there are four brain types we found out that are four buckets. And once you know yourself, you can lean really lean into your strengths and leverage them, not only for reading faster, improving your memory, having better focus, but also for negotiating, for sales, for parenting. And once you understand other people's brain types, it really informs your your next moves, if you will, to have greater levels of learning and and and life. And so What's the difference between a cheetah and an elephant, for example, those two types? Yeah. Let's let's go through all four. They're they're four animals. I I'm like the king of acronyms. So I love it. Shortcuts. Code. Remember your brain code, c o d e. The c stands for cheetahs, and cheetahs, their primary trait is action. Like, you are a man of action. Mhmm. So cheetahs think and act at lightning speed. They They thrive in fast paced environments. They adapt, making very quick decisions. They they trust their instincts. They have extremely strong intuition, and they're able to adapt in rapidly changing environments. They're very, very swift. The o in code stands for the owl, and the owl, they're dominant trait where cheetahs go for action. Owls are go for logic. Okay? So they're very analytical, methodical, detail oriented. And by the way, we are not just one. We are a composite of all these animals, but, usually, there's one that's a primary that's more dominant. So the owl are your deep thinkers. They, they analyze information. They consider every angle before making a decision. They love facts, and they love figures. They love data. The d and code are your dolphins, and these are interesting people. They are their primary trait is creativity. They are creative visionaries. They, they see the bigger picture. Maybe other people can't yet grasp this vision. They're guided, a lot by their innovation, by their pioneers in their field. Think about the Walt Disneys, the JK Rawlings in the world. And finally, the e in code are your elephants, and their primary trait is empathy and collaboration. So elephants are at the heart of any team, any friend group. They have keen sense of empathy, which allows them to understand and collaborate with a diverse group of individuals. They often serve as the glue that holds teams together. They, they want people to feel seen. They want people to feel heard. And it's interesting. When we had I this is a model. And remember, all models are we know that the the map is not the territory, that the menu is not the meal. Right? But it gives you distinctions and a lens to look at your performance and the decisions you make, also the people around you. It kinda takes a judgment out of it. Even with something like speed reading, which we've talked about in a previous episode with you about memory improvement, I realized that it's not how smart somebody is. It's not how smart you are. It's how are you smart. It's not how smart your kids are. It's actually how are they smart. And everybody expresses genius in in different ways. You would think that even your career paths, owls, if their brain animal type is an owl, they these are your data analysts. These are your engineers. These are your accountants. These are your research scientists, your software developers. Cheetahs are your entrepreneurs. Right? They adapt. They have strong intuition. They're hat of, like, a the hat of, like, a graphic designer or maybe a writer, marketing specialist, a film director. Elephants would fall in in the maybe they're a social worker, a PR specialist, a teacher, a project manager. Well, I think also, Jim, it helps getting people on the right seat on the bus when you're hiring too and moving people around. Like, you know, for me, I was while I was doing this, I'm like, I need to give this to my team because I have a funny feeling. I have a few people on the bus. They should be on my team, but I have them in the wrong seat based on their brain proclivity. I have them in the wrong seat. Very very very much so. And so we could use this with the we have companies. We serve half of the Fortune 500 companies, and they they they they apply this to be able to communicate better, to be able to sell better, to be able to hire better in the area or even parent better. But certainly for hiring, a cheetah think about hiring. A cheetah tends to value efficiency and results. So they might lean towards hiring candidates who demonstrate initiative. The candidates that could quickly adapt, which is one of the most important, you know, traits nowadays. People who are decisive, they would manage, cheetahs would manage a very specific way too. They're great at delegating tasks, to set they set clear expectations, KPIs. They might need to ensure that they're not pushing their team maybe too hard or too quickly. Yep. So there's it definitely informs. An OWL, if you think about hiring as an OWL, they would appreciate candidates who exhibit strong analytical skills, attention to details, sis more systematic approaches. They would manage, in a more structured, predictable work environment, and they might need to be a little cautious also by because every every strength also has, coupled with this, some kind of maybe drawback that they might have a a cognitive bias or blind spot for. Well, that was me. I I gotta jump in and tell you that. One of my biggest mistakes I made young was I hired people that were my brain type because I thought they were the smart ones. So everybody around me was a was a was a was a doggone cheetah. Yeah. And I needed some dolphins. I needed some elephants. Right? I didn't I I thought, well, the smart people are just like me. So I had a that's not the right seat on the bus. I don't think you want your CFO to be a cheetah. Right? Exact exactly. It's not like love languages. If somebody had their love language, people tend to whatever their love language happens to be, that's what fulfills them, but that's also how they often communicate. So words of affirmation. But if your partner loves acts of kindness, or service, then it's it's like we're not meshing. And that happens all the time when we're trying to learn something. Often a coach or a mentor is different than so you have to be able to adapt. Like, for so for an owl, their drawbacks, they could be overly cautious and overanalyzed and become too rigid in the process and never take action. They just ideate all the time. Dolphins can inspire very well because they have a lot of passion because they have this vision, where they may motivate teams with their enthusiasm. However, they might occasionally overlook the details, the nitty gritty logistics of other things. And finally, the elephant, if you're thinking about hiring and managing, candidates, that an elephant would hire for are team players. Right? However, you know, a drawback might be they might occasionally struggle with making tough decisions that might upset somebody also also as well. But it's it's interesting. Once you understand your brain type and people could go through the quiz online or they through the book, it also determines how you could parent or or even communicating. Let me ask you this. So when we go through the brain, one of the things about Jim's work is, like, it helps you hack your brain. And for me, because I am a cheetah, wanting to be productive. Right? Like, I want to be productive. And I I think sometimes I lose my ability to retain information and to stay focused. So I'm reading I read this again, and these are just things that stuck out for me that I want people to know on the brain. Like, literally, you guys, we could do an hour and a half in the book, and I give you hacks in the that are in the book, which we're gonna do now, and it still wouldn't be 20% of the book. There's that much in there. Okay? And so I'm gonna tell you something that'll shock you about him. And I said, one, he's introverted. And two, I gotta tell you the story from when he was a little boy. And I could see my son getting emotional, and I was getting emotional telling this story. But I think in some way, every person can kinda relate a little bit. So just tell them tell them the story you know I'm asking about. Yeah. And I'll I'll build up. This is the thirty seconds before that. I mentioned I had an accident when I was five years old, very bad fall in kindergarten class. I went head first into, an iron grade radiator, and and that's where I became very shut down. My parents said before I was very energized and very curious, very playful, but I just emotionally, socially just isolated myself. I mentioned the migraines and the sensory balance issues. I was never picked for sports ever. I was always the last one that the team had to have. And and, when I was took me three years longer to learn how to read, which I mentioned. When I was nine years old, I had processing issues. So teachers would have to repeat themselves over and over again in order for me to to understand. And I was being teased one day more than others, other days, and the teacher came to my defense. She pointed to me and said, leave that kid alone. That's the boy with the broken brain. And, you know, I didn't know I was broken, and adults have to be very careful of their external words because they often become a child's internal words. Right? Mhmm. And so that label became my limit. So every single time I did badly in school, I would say, oh, because I had a broken brain. So that that was tough. But because of it, my superpower I talk about superpowers a lot. Mostly because I got exposed to comic books, and they they tell me how to read. Something about the illustrations, it it just kinda bypassed and helped me understand in my learning language, and superheroes offer hope and help, and one person can make a difference. I loved all those themes. Right? And I would escape in those comic books because I was in a lot of pain. You know, my parents, they immigrated to The United States, and my dad lost both his parents at 13. Couldn't afford to feed them. We live in the back of a laundromat that my mom worked out, and everybody has their own story. That's amazing. That was like superheroes just was my my escape and, my inspiration. But going back to that, my superpower growing up was being invisible. Like, even talking about it, I could feel it in my voice. Like, I would compress myself so small, punch my shoulders in, collapse my diaphragm, because I didn't wanna take up a lot of space because I never wanted to be called on in class. Right? Because I never knew the answer. And I would always, like, sit behind a tall kid. I would, you know, get sick before every quiz or test. I would be sent to the nurse's office, and it wasn't just like it was just it was a big challenge. And so I I my superpower is being was being invisible. But because of it, I would just watch people, and I would be able to detect suffering because I know what it feels like. And, also, I wanted to be very quiet because I don't wanna be bullied, you know, that day or, you know, picked on. And so, this is every day through school. It was elementary school, middle school, junior high. In high school, what you're referring to is I was failing, high school English. And they called my parents in, and that was so embarrassing because I'm the oldest of of three siblings. I wanna be a good role model. My parents, they sacrifice a lot, had many jobs. That's probably why I had so many head injuries as a child. I wasn't very well supervised. And, but I was so much pressure. And in this, you know, with the teacher, my parents, me, she was explaining to me to my parents how I was just I was gonna fail. And I begged her to be able to give me a second chance, give me some kind of opportunity to make up for it because I was very hardworking. That was the frustrating part. I would work three times harder than everyone. I mean, we that was, you know, how I was raised, but I couldn't keep up. And, so she gave offered to give me extra credit and to do a book report on Albert Einstein and, you know, pretty smart guy. And I was like, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna I'm gonna show this class, the teacher, my parents that I'm I'm worth this. So every day after school, we would go I would go to the library. This is before Internet. Right? Mhmm. And, and I would spend hours there. And so after doing that for weeks, I was so proud of this final product, because I just did so much. I found out, by the way, Einstein had his own set of learning challenges. Right? And he learned differently than than people around him. And so that gave me inspiration. But the day it was due, Ed, my parents surprised me and had it professionally bound. And when I saw it, I was just so excited to hand it in. And throughout class, class wasn't till later in the day. I was just I I was all I was thinking about was handing this piece in to the teacher. And, class comes towards the end of the class. I can't wait to hand it in. The teacher says, okay, class. We have a surprise for all of you. Jim, come to the front of the class and give your book report. Now I didn't know I had to speak on this book report. I was just I just thought I had to write it and then be able to turn in and get my extra credit. And, and I was so scared. It's not like a lot I know public speaking is a big fear for everyone, but I'm phobe I was phobic. So I couldn't breathe. Like, my heart's beating out of my chest, and I'm shaking, panicking. And I spit out I I lied. I said I didn't do it to the teacher and from the whole class. And you could see her disappointment there also as well. And, after the class ended, I was the only one there. And I remember, it's like it was yesterday. I'm getting choked up even thinking about it, Getting up from my desk, walking over to the doorway, and on the way out, I reach into my book bag. I took out the professionally bound book report, and I threw it in the trash that was sitting, you know, by the doorway. And I think I felt like I was throwing out, I don't know, hope, my potential, my worth. And that that was kind of the place I lived in. A lot of self doubt, a lot of embarrassment, shame, fears. And it's it's funny, though. Right? Because, Ed, the my two biggest challenges growing up were learning and public speaking. Crazy. And life has a sense of humor because Yeah. All I do is public speak on this thing called learning. Yeah. And it's just a reminder to everybody that our struggles can be strengths. Yeah. That, that difficult times, they could distract you or diminish you, or they could they could develop you. You know? We we always decide. It's amazing to me that the number one brain guy on the planet was the boy with the broken brain and the the young man who literally lied that he didn't do his extra credit report and throws it in the trash because he didn't wanna get up and speak in front of 30 other kids in in class as one of the most prolific public speakers in the world. And everybody hearing this, the reason I wanted you to hear that story is because it is true that in life, you're most qualified to help the person that you used to be. Oh, I love that. I just got goosebumps. Yeah. And it's just a fact. It's just it's just an absolute fact, and that's not my saying. It's it's been out there forever, but it's a fact. And Jim is is living proof of that. But this, this notion of the forgetting curve Yeah. And how your brain really works from a neuroplasticity standpoint, but also your ability to stay focused. Can you explain to them what the forgetting curve is and why it's relevant when we're doing work that matters? While there's a learning curve, there's also a forgetting curve. And the forgetting curve states that when you're exposed to information just once, then within two days, eighty percent of it is forgotten. Wow. Right? And so what in the nature of our work when it comes to memory training, helping people remember client information, product information, languages, give speeches without notes is about mitigating that that forgetting curve. Mhmm. And when you talked about, neuroplasticity, neuroplasticity is this phenomenon, this incredible phenomenon that our brains have to be able to adapt to novelty. It's to neuroplasticity is driven by two factors, novelty and nutrition. And the reason why neuroplasticity and you've covered this a lot with experts on your show is so important because that means that our brains aren't fixed like our shoe size, that we could grow our memory, our happiness. We could change our thoughts. We could change our routines, our behaviors, our habits because our brain is more plastic in a positive way because it's malleable. And just like building your your your physical muscles, you have to give it novelty and nutrition. Right? You have to give it some kind of stressor, some kind of workout, and then you have to give it proper nutrition. So what you nourish flourishes. Same thing with your your mental muscles. So one of the things that we added in the updated version, the expanded version, besides the the cognitive types and all the applications towards learning and leadership and sales is, nootropics. And I've never covered that in thirty years. Yeah. These are supplements that could help boost your focus, your memory, your mood, your mental energy also as well. But that that's how you create neuroplasticity. And so while we could get older, we could always learn. And so it's not true that the the older we get, kinda teaching an old dog new tricks is is absolutely a a a fallacy. It does require a little bit more work when we're past the age of 25. You know? I'm in I'm in my fifties. Mhmm. But it's but it it's having strategies. And this is the challenge in school. They teach you what to learn, like math and history, science, Spanish, but there's zero, literally zero classes on how to learn. There's no classes on focus, concentration, how to get into a flow state, how to be creative, no classes on on memory. I always thought it should have been the fourth r in school. They teach you reading, writing, arithmetic. Obviously, spelling, I think those are spelled down with an r. This is not one of them. But what about retention? Right? Socrates said learning is remembering. And so we wanna be able to fill in those gaps for every people of every age and stage of life. Let's talk about remembering. So you're going down the road. I wanted to go down. One of the other things I talk a lot about is the RAS. So I'm rereading the book. This is, like, I don't know, two weeks ago. And there's this little blurb in the book where you say, the question the questions are the answer. Yeah. And it's kind of an RAS hack. This is huge for those of you that want more retention, want more focus. So explain that to them, Jim, because this is right up my alley and a and a use of the RES that I not thought of before. So, primarily, our brain is a deletion device. Right? It's it's trying to keep information out. At any given time, there are millions, if not a billion, different stimuli we could focus on externally or internally. And if we let all that in, we would go insane. We'd be completely overloaded and overwhelmed. And so what we pay attention to, our RAS kinda acts like a spotlight and draws attention to something that maybe we weren't paying attention based on something that's important to us. Like, hardwired into our reticular activating system is our name. That's why names are so important because it's one of the early things that we learned, you know, when we're children, probably one of the very first words we we heard, one of the first words we learned how to write, and think about the the love and and the encouragement when most people were given, around their name. That's why they say a name is the sweetest sound to a person's ears. So that that is part of your RAS. If you're I was running a marathon years ago in Washington, DC, and I remember at the eighteenth mile, somebody was shouting my name, Jim. Right? Very common name. And I know I didn't know the person, but I still looked because I'm wired to look because my RAS allows that in. So one of the ways of of This is so good. Stacking and and utilizing your RAS is by asking questions. So questions shine a spotlight on the things that are important to us. So as an example, years ago a long time ago, my younger sister would send me emails and postcards of very specific breed of dog, a pug dog. Right? Yeah. And, my question was, why does she keep on sending me all the dozens and dozens of photos of pug dogs? And I realized that her birthday was coming up. And she was she's a great marketer, and she was seeding her gift. Right? And a funny thing happened, Ed, is I started seeing these pug dogs everywhere. Everywhere. I I'll be at the health food store, and the person in front of me, I swear, is holding a pug dog Yeah. Getting ready to to to to pay the register. I was jogging in my neighborhood, and there's this guy walking six pug dogs. Now my question for every single person listening is, did those pug dogs' law of attraction just magically pop into my neighborhood? They teleport and manifest around me. No. They were always there, but my brain was deleting it because that wasn't important until I started asking the questions, and then I start seeing these pub dogs everywhere. Even a basic study tip is you read all these reading comprehension and all these paragraphs, maybe multiple pages, and then you get 10 questions at the end that the the testers want you to be able to answer. Well, the first and foremost, you should read those questions first. Right? Mhmm. Because you don't wanna get to the end of reading, you know, multiple pages on a timed test and then say, oh, that's what was important. Then you ask the questions at the end first, and then all of a sudden when you're reading it, you're like, oh, there's an answer. There's an answer. There's an answer. And it just makes it more seamless. Like, even how we design the book, it's not just teaching you accelerated learning, speed reading, memory improvement, focus flow, but it's also it's also structured in a way. Like, every chapter starts with three questions Yeah. Right, to get people's RAS engaged. So when they're reading, they're looking for those answers specifically. Okay. That's brilliant. That is brilliant right there. Okay. So everybody, you're teaching something to someone and you're trying to retain information. It's the questions that guide that light in your RAS to find the answers. The other thing I've always struggled with, and I know the answer now because it's in the book, but I want you to give it to everybody or one of them. I had a hard time in college, particularly during lecture, where I would write notes, and then I'd remember nothing. And then a lot of the people listening to my show go to events. They go to business events. They're taking notes the entire time. And I know this because I host events and I speak at a lot of them. The retention level, I think even most people listen to this, to be honest, to say is very, very low. So one of the things in the book, you actually teach hacks on how to properly take notes. Yes. This is stuff, you guys. This will help the students in your life. This will help those of you that are trying to learn and grow. Here's how I know this is big. Sasha, my producer, just leaned in as I asked that question because people wanna know this because it's something everybody relates to. I've gone back and looked at notes from meetings that are two and three years ago in my life, brother, and I'm like, I have no recollection of writing this down. I have no recollection of anything this person just said. And I even noticed this with my son. He's a really, really good golfer. When you play golf, Jim, with someone who's a great golfer, you and I have talked about golf quite a bit, actually. And my son can remember every shot on every single hole that he's played. I can't I could play a golf course on a Saturday, come back on a Sunday. I don't even remember the fourth hole. And one of the reasons, I believe, is my son is taking notes on his round as he plays it, and it upgrades his retention. So give us some note taking tips and hacks for retention. So as you mentioned, you and I, we we produce events. We speak on the same stages. And Mhmm. We know that with the forgetting curve, if they hear speaker lot of people. And one of the ways of mitigating that is by taking proper notes. Now it's interesting because people could take digital notes or handwriting notes, but when university students are tested for the things that matter, comprehension and retention of the information Mhmm. Then actually handwriting notes, by far, get performs better for both understanding information and retaining information. I would say also one of the reasons like, digital note taking is great for storage and sharing information. But if you can do the handwriting notes first and then digitize it or you have a device that allows you to take notes and it digitizes it automatically, then that's preferred. But the reason one of the reasons why is most people could type pretty fast, and you could probably type and transcribe as fast as Ed and I are speaking, but nobody can handwrite notes that fast. K. So part of handwriting notes, one of the reasons why it's more effective is it forces you to to filter the information, to organize it, and prioritize the information because you're not writing every single word down. Right? Even when university students are tested, the actual worst way of taking notes besides not taking notes is full transcription. The best way is having key ideas and key thoughts, you know, and maybe putting it and capturing it in a way like, more whole brain, like mind mapping is a very famous way of using both your left and right brain. I have a very simple way that anybody a lot of people won't if they won't grasp mind mapping because it has colors and it looks a little bit too creative. So if you're not a dolphin, maybe it doesn't really mesh with you. Then I would say simple way of taking notes is take a piece of paper, and a few people will happen to be watching this video. I'll just illustrate it. But just you don't even have to see this. Put a line right down the page. Mhmm. And on the left side, I want you to capture. On the right side, I want you to create. Now that's very, very subtle. So on the left side, the things we're talking about here. What are the best brain foods? What are the top in tropics to to boost your your focus and your productivity? How do you read faster? Right? That would that that's your capturing. But if your mind is gonna wander, your right brain is gonna search for entertainment elsewhere, I'd rather it go on the right side of the page instead of thinking about other things. So what you're gonna write on the right side is you're gonna write your impressions of what you're you're capturing. So I'll say it in a different way. On the left side, you're capturing your note taking. On the right side, you're creating your note making. And so it's very, very subtle difference, but you're on the right side, you're writing your impressions of what you're capturing. So maybe you're putting things like, how does this relate to what I already know? How can I use this? When will I use this? What questions do I have, you know, about this, about this subject matter? And so that's a very left brain, right brain, more whole brain way of taking notes. It's very simple. Very And I feel like, it's so important nowadays. Most of your listeners have forgotten more about personal growth and wellness and and success than most of their friends and family have. Right? And they're probably thinking like, you know and but you still need to keep it elegant, taking complex information. I'll read all the white papers, but I always realized that education doesn't really get the result. If you can make it super simple, like, what is the tiniest action I could take right now that would give me progress towards this goal where I can't fail. And this is something so simple, and the return is so the reward is so huge. What about teaching something? So when you leave an event, is it healthier for retention if, say, you go home and your boyfriend or girlfriend or your spouse says, hey. What did you learn there to actually download and teach them what you learned? Do I've always felt like I retain more when I teach, or is that a fallacy? Or or is there some accuracy to that? Yeah. It's absolutely true. They call it the explanation effect. The explanation effect basically states exactly what you said. When you learn something with the intention of teaching somebody else, you're gonna learn it so much better. And so even when people are listening to this episode, why wait? Do it right right now. Think about if you had to think about somebody you wish was listening to this. And, obviously, they should post it and share it and and and spread spread your podcast. You know? At least every I think everyone listens to your podcast already. But if they had to give a TEDx talk the following week, would their would they focus better? Of course, they would. Would they take better notes? Of course, they would. Would they post more questions on social media? Of course, they would. They would own that information. So when you teach something, you get to learn it twice, and that's the, explanation effect. That's a wonderful way of accelerating your learning. K. So I'm gonna ask you a dual question. I wanna go back to something you said earlier because I you finished it, and then I was so excited to ask you the next question. But this nootropics idea, there's a couple things in the book that are new. The nootropic stuff I'd like you to talk about and this is gonna sound disconnected, but to me, it's like nourishment. So I'm gonna ask both questions together, and then you can go. You also talk about the second brain Mhmm. In the book. The second brain being the gut. So talk about nourishment, and I I I'm just gonna throw the the ball at you and let you kinda kick it around and answer it back. But you know why I'm asking them together. One, what nootropics do you recommend if you do? I know you do, but what if you do. And then tied into that, because it's, like, kinda nourishment for the brain, so to speak. Yeah. What about this second brain aspect as well with with your gut? So, I mean, everyone could imagine, leaves of a tree, and then going down in the soil is and the roots are coming from your gut. And so your second brain is incredibly wise. But if it's clogged up with all this processed foods, high sugar food, refined foods, lots of ingredients that we don't even know how to pronounce, then there could be some issues there. There are certain foods. Every ingredient that we talk about we talk about the best brain foods, but also we'd added a new chapter. The new book's all about momentum. You know? It's it's all we talk about mastering your mindset, your motivation, how to overcome procrastination. I have a formula for that. Mhmm. And then also the methods for accelerated learning, speed reading, memory enhancement, focus flow, and all that. And the focus of the new book was really about momentum. And so knowing your brain type gives you momentum. Right? And knowing the brain type of other people allows you to sustain it. AI. We talk about AI improving your HI, your human intelligence, and different ways you could do that to create momentum. And nootropics is is and this whole area of science called neuro nutrition. So there's certain things that ingredients that your brain is only 2% of your body mass, but requires 20% of the nutrients. And some of those nutrients are different than the rest of your body. And so in no particular order and I would always prefer people get it from foods, but we know how depleted foods are. And sometimes when we're traveling and eating at hotels or fast food, we don't get those nutrients. So for example, there are brain supplements and they're nootropics, and I'll go through some of some of each. So choline would be a brain supplement. It's an it's a nutrient. You know? It's usually found in eggs and soybeans. It plays a vital role in brain health. It's a crucial component of acetylcholine, which is a neurotransmitter that supports things like memory, things like cognitive function. And so, you know, if you're not getting it from your eggs, then you could supplement with it. Another brain supplement are omega three fatty acids, particularly, DHA because your brain is mostly fat. And DHA is the primary, it's the it's the structured component of the brain that plays a key role in memory and overall brain health and function. And so if you're not getting it from wild salmon, sardines, you might need to supplement. So a nutrient profile because I talk about in the book meta learning, the art and science of learning how to learn. But that that's the software. We still need to take care of the hardware, that three pound matter between our ears called our brain. And so if you're lacking vitamin d, your your your b vitamins, so important, especially b six, b nine, which is, folate, b twelve. It's vital for brain health. You you're not gonna be able to get it affects your mood. It affects every brain function. Magnesium, I mean, these are the basic supplements. It's so important. It's literally responsible for hundreds of physiological processes, but it affects your learning, your memory, your mood. And then it could also affect your sleep also as well. The magnesium threonate has been shown to help people to to sleep better. But going into the nootropics, some of my favorites, ashwagandha, it's an adaptogenic herb. Yeah. And, again, I'm not a nutritionist or or a doctor. You could just but everything we put into the book, I reference all the human studies. I've noticed I'll just jump in. Ashwagandha has helped me with, like, anxiety as well. Yeah. It's it's incredible for it improves mental and physical resilience. It can help, as you mentioned, reduce stress and anxiety and also improve cognitive function. There's a a nootropic it's a it's a whole coffee fruit extract. So whole fruit from the coffee plant is usually a byproduct that they throw out, but it has it's a extremely strong antioxidant. It has a positive impact on cognitive function. There's something called phospho phosphatidylserine, which is a phospholipid, and these are big words, but it is so important for for brain cell membranes. It's been shown to improve memory, learning, cognitive function. L theanine is an amino acid. It's often found in, green tea. It's a very popular nootropic. It promotes, relaxation without the drowsiness, and it can enhance, brain function. What I like about it is if you pair it with caffeine for me, I'm very sensitive with caffeine, personally, and it really could affect my sleep and my my Mhmm. Kind of my give me the jitters. But l theanine helps to to mitigate that. And so you pair it with caffeine, you you know, as when in the morning I have to do it in the morning because I can't do caffeine past, like, twelve or 02:00. It gives you more of a relaxed, alertness, if you will. But something that I think that, people don't realize is a popular, workout supplement called creatine. And, you know, it's a substance that's naturally produced in our body. It's primarily found in meats and fish. But if you're not getting enough of it, it plays a crucial role in energy metabolism specifically, not just for your muscles, but also your mental muscles. So it it helps you to to create more energy, more brain energy. So if people are, you know, suffer from mental fatigue, a little brain fog, you know, it could improve your cognitive function, especially at 10 tasks that require, a really strong short term memory Yeah. And quick thinking. So preteen's a a fun one. We talked about last time some of the foods, and turmeric was one of the brain foods, but it's it's the curcumin Yep. That that's the active ingredient that has potent anti inflammatory, and antioxidant benefits, very neuroprotective. Many people know I had a traumatic brain injury when I was five years old. I was put in special education because I had learning difficulties. I had migraines every single day. I just thought it was normal for kids to just kinda be in chronic pain, and I had balance issues and took me three years long to learn how to read. And then the last one I'll mention is, lion's mane mushroom. It's getting a lot of, especially the past few years, a lot of lot of attention. It's a unique nootropic. It has neuroprotective effects. Whole area of science we're talking about is called neuro nutrition again, but it's been shown to stimulate the synthesis of nerve growth factor, which could enhance cognition by reducing inflammation and promoting overall, good brain health. You said something about trauma when you were young. And I'll let you know on something. Both Jim and I are, shy. I think we bond over it. So, when we're in green rooms or there's lots of speakers around, Jim and I usually try to find a way to be alone together or we actually get alone because we're both extremely, I think it's safe to say, extremely introverted, both of us, which surprises people because we're both speakers. We're in public all the time. And but, it's definitely true for me, and I And I and I think people are surprised to hear that if they're hearing that from you the first time because you were, like, the best speaker on stage. Oh, thank you. I think people but you have to be that expressive because, otherwise, you won't your stories wouldn't land. Mhmm. Right? Or you wanna have the impact that that you're you desire and that, you know, people deserve. Thank you. But yes. Well, I I think they'd be surprised of that with you. And I think one of the reasons I love Jim, one, he's just a kind, gentle, generous, brilliant man. He'll give you the shirt off of his back. He's done things for me. You guys, just so you know, like, on short notice, moved things, moved his world around to be there for me, and it's something I've told him I'll never forget and I will never forget. But the other thing that I've never forgotten, if you just share it for a minute, you start about trauma when you're young, is I picture little Jim in school, and he's not doing very well. So he gets a chance I think the story is do the extra credit and to do an extra work. But this notion of I think every human being can relate on in their way to this moment that happened to you in your life. And I don't wanna tell the story. I want you to tell it because you lived it. But I actually was telling my children because they knew I was interviewing you today for Thanksgiving. I was talking to him about, hey. What do you have coming up? I said, I'm excited to get to talk to Jim again. And I said, my son really loves Jim's speaking style. It fits my son's personality very, very well. What is you you wrote this for how to help your child, but when I'm reading the work, I'm like, this just helps humans. Right? But so what is something a strategy said awareness of the thought helps it lose its power over you I'm using my description of it right so I've always said that now I know why yes, okay? What is something a tactic or a strategy or a technique that somebody can use for their child or themselves that can help this in these sixty three days that you would be proposing they do? Okay. So what you do is you do the five steps of the neuro cycle because what I did was strategically look over the years at how can you actually can't find the signals and do this whole deconstruction reconstruction thing. So you can't do it in one shot. So you what you wanna do is do a neuro cycle, which is five steps. What are they? And I'm gonna and and I'll go through this in a moment, but you're gonna do five steps in the sequence. The first part of the sequence is the first more or less three weeks where you go through the five steps in around forty five fifteen to forty five minutes, not more and not less. Then the second forty two days where you're stabilizing, you're just doing five minutes. So the five steps are basically gathering awareness. Awareness. And notice I say gathering. K. So it's a very conscious and deliberate. It's not like a mindfulness awareness, which this is beyond that. So when we talk about mindfulness, meditation, breathing, decompression, all of those are very important to prepare the brain. So what you would do before you dive into the neuro cycle, and you'll see this in my box and in my app. I've got an app as well called the neuro cycle. There's a two to three minute brain preparation, which is could be anything from focusing on momentum worry to doing a three ten breathing exercise. Something to just get the neurophysiology under control. Then you or it could be a a meditation, a prayer, whatever. Then you move into the actual work, and I'm about to slip off this chair. Okay. Go ahead. And you move into the I could so into this, into the work of gather awareness step one. So gathering awareness is a very specific process. Everything's very layered. Your mind brain connection, psycho neurobiology, mind brain body, I'm actually a psycho neurobiologist to study that connection, is very ordered and sequenced and structured. And if you want something to change, you've got to follow the steps of the order. So the neuro cycle is a system. In that, you can put CBT techniques, you can put prayer, you can put whatever works for you, but put them in the right step. So when we gather awareness, we we are gathering, like, gathering apples off a tree. We're not just randomly looking at things. You're very organized. Okay. What am I gonna gather awareness of? My emotions. I'm feeling depressed. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling frustrated. Whatever. Just just label them. Them. What am I what related to that emotion, what am I doing? What are my behaviors? What am I doing? What am I saying? How am I doing and saying them? So maybe it's depression and maybe it's withdrawal. Then the third thing is you're going to say, how do I feel in my body when I'm feeling depressed and withdrawing? Maybe cardiovascular issues, heart palpitating. And then fourth category is how am I looking at life in this moment? As I feel depressed, gut ache, and withdrawing, I feel that life sucks. Very simple example. Those are four signals. So you go step one is to gather those four. Step two is to ask why. Okay. You're going a little deeper. Why am I feeling these emotions? Now you're not solving the whole problem. Don't try and solve it in one day. Just go as much as you can handle. It's very draining. So that's why I say limit. So it's why am I having this? Maybe I'm having this depression. I seem to be having it because of, it's happening a lot. It's I'm not sure why, but it's happening five times a day or it's feeling or it's happening once a week. Oh, if it is once a week, am I having the same behaviors? Why am I getting that why am I doing that withdrawing? How often am I withdrawing? What other things am I doing? Why do I think I'm doing that? So you work through each of those signals and try and get some more. Don't stay too long on those two steps and then you write. Now you don't journal. You write. You dump. You literally dump what you've gathered awareness of and what you have reflected on. Because the the first step was to gather awareness. The second step was to do this reflection thing. And then you dump it down on and literally in mind, I've just write it all over the page. I've developed a system called the meta cog. And for kids, it's the bubble cog. And it's basically writing in a way that looks like a tree. So it's starting from the middle, and it's working around in circles and branches and colors and arrows, and everything's connected. Everything's either on a line, in a bubble. If you don't like doing that, bubble. If you don't like doing that, just write any old way. But try to write dimensionally. Don't do it in lines. Try and just put it all over the page Okay. Because it brings in forces the two sides of the brain to work together. Okay. Creates a very strong connection between the conscious and the subconscious through the bridge of the subconscious. Yeah. And it starts diving deep. I mean, it's like I can tell you now that when I work with patients that who had symptoms of schizophrenia, the this is an extreme example, but just to show you how well this works, we would have them just basically metacock out what all these steps I'm going through. And they would have one whole personality on the side, and they'd be continuing the same conversation in another whole. So you'd see the shift, and then we could show them, hey. Look what's going on. And from there, we could unpack and find roots and things like that. So it's phenomenal in getting insight. Now you spoke about introspection early on. Introspection, insight, it means diving into the depths of the nonconscious. That's the most intelligent part of us. So is writing part of step two or is that step three? Three. So writing is step three. Sorry. Gather awareness, step one. Reflect, step two. Writing, step three. You're bringing order out of chaos. You're getting those three steps are taking deeper, deeper, deeper, getting increasing your introspection inside, pulling up things that are associated. Now that is things all over the page. A lot of it won't make sense. Things may shock you that come out. Day one, not really. But as you progress through the days, more and more will come up. And, like, for example, around day seven, people people start saying, oh, I never saw this connection. Day 14, I I like, insight, insight into, oh, that's associated with that. I didn't see that. This is why I'm doing this. So there's tremendous growth. If you don't force it, you just go through the cycle. I don't wanna interrupt you, but I wanna ask you. Go ahead. I think during that awareness and the writing and that you are uncovering some of the things that might trigger you as well? Totally. So it's step four. Excellent question. Step four is what looking at what you've gathered awareness reflected on and written. You look, what are my triggers? Okay. What are the patterns? This has happened. What can I do? So step four is moving towards reconceptualization, reconstruction, healing, putting food on the plant food on the roots to to heal them. Okay. It's leading to that acceptance. You're not gonna know why someone raped a child, why someone did this. That's their story. But that's your story. So you need to find out, I'm not crazy. I don't have a broken brain. I'm not genetically flawed. I don't have a mental illness. I'm showing up like this because of what happened to me. Right. I can't answer why. I have to get to a certain level of acceptance, but at least I know why. It's not me. It's because of. Yeah. And that helps you heal and move forward. So it's very progressive. It's not walking in circles round and around and around. You know, this is where you can bring in, things like this or psychodynamic theory and ACD. Well, there's a lot of different therapy techniques that people can bring in, experiences from EMDR and into all these because this is a system. Yeah. Into these spaces. What's the fifth step? The fifth step is an action, active reach. So you're going to from the triggers and and things like that, you wanna move towards an antidote for today, an action for today. So what can I do today to keep me in a safe space? I've done the work for today. I'm not gonna fall back into working on this anymore. I've gotta get going through the day. Mhmm. And, also, your brain and mind need a rest. You're not they get tired. So it's an action. It's like a visualization, a statement, a combination, a little pray, an affirmation, a so this is where you would fit an affirmation or a CBT type technique, like maybe a little visualization exercise or a, a so it's something that you do and say, maybe something as simple as I can do this. I don't know how. Mhmm. And then visualize a rainbow. I mean, it could be something as simple as that to an actual little technique or it could be a breathing technique. Good. So it's an action that keeps you going through the day, which helps you focus on the fact that you are moving towards healing. So you're removing energy from this thing because this process has brought this from the nonconscious to the conscious, and it's weakened these branches. In the nonconscious, it's strong and driving. In the when the nonconscious and conscious are working together, then this is weakened, the protein branches, the chemicals. So I can start restructuring and reorganizing. See what I'm I gotta tell you what I'm thinking when you're doing this, because this applies to two different people. So everybody stay in here. Okay? So those are the five steps to sort of begin to rewire yourself or change your brain the other part of me listening to this is if you're Thinking I really don't have a lot of these issues of anxiety or worry depression I also think that's the formula to create a change like if I had a goal and ambition I'd become aware of what I wanted right I'd have all these reflections about it I would then write about it so and I like the idea of it not being linear like a book But actually all over the place so there'd be like that's almost like a dream personal vision board or dream board that you're doing Then I'd think about what were the triggers I need to create to generate this state could be snapping my fingers It could be seeing something could be walking into my office could be getting into my car It could be a particular person so I'd use that trigger to then create that state And then, obviously, the fifth would be what's an action that I can take towards this state. So that that cycle can be used to uncover trauma you know, reverse trauma, create brain health, but can also be a creative process in order to change your life. So you are brilliant because that's exactly where I started my research, thirty eight years ago with people with traumatic brain injuries and learning disabilities and people that just wanted to improve their life. They just wanted and it's called brain building. So it's the neuro cycle, and that was the first iteration of this thing to develop brain building. So it was helping kids learn. So getting data in as opposed to deconstructing. Sure. It was constructing. Sure. So it's taking from the knowledge in educate in a school to learn for an exam. Yes. Or what is the goal in your vision? So that's the brain building aspect of the neuropsychologist. This is huge right here. I gotta tell you something because everyone always wants to create change. They're like, alright. Do I get a vision board out? Like, do I? So this is a five step process It actually does it to actually do it and do it Reinforce it and by the way in sixty three days exactly you're a different human being totally different I do a thing you're from a visualization techniques I should share this with you and maybe you can speak to why it might work So everyone asked me. I don't visualize very well Yes, you do you see to get quiet, and it's a muscle you build you know when you decide to start visualizing your life It is difficult, but one thing I've done is I've created I teach it to a lot of my athletes is I use what I call like a highlight reel technique So what I actually start with is I start I've never said this on the show because it's part of my private work But I want you to speak to it. I actually start by visualizing memories from my life That are highlights so it could be for example You know the birth of my son the birth of my daughter, a home run I hit in baseball, an award I got, a sale that I closed that was important. These are things my brain are already familiar with to to your point earlier. Mhmm. It's already been wired. I've already repeated the emotion. It's already in there. And so I see those things, and those are easy for me to recall because they're familiar. And then I move to what I want. So my brain, I think, begins to think they're one big highlight reel. Is there any data to prove that that's true? Meaning, I'm already visualizing what I already something I want. I've seen an achievement. I've seen an achievement. And then I see the one that I want to achieve. And for me, my brain more easily sees the future when I start with things that I'm already familiar with in my past. Because I think we do that in reverse. So if we've had a traumatic someone's hurt us in our life. Mhmm. We see this. We repeat it over and over, and then we then regenerate it in our real life with the next relationship. And that's why people end up dating the same person over the shoulder. Body. Exactly. Right. Exactly. Okay. So I'm jumping out of my chair with with with excitement because you've you've said exactly the correct thing. Okay. So what you've just described remember I said a moment ago, if you have I said, spoke about how I'll recall this conversation because it's a great conversation and I'll build it. Yes. That's what we're talking about here. So you are recalling these. You're recalling those, and you're using those to unmask your natural resilience. Yes. That's exactly right. So I actually call these insurance policies. Okay. So they literally so when I work with a person to actually be able to build their brain, we're building an insurance policy. So you you should be spending time on doing exactly that. So as you do that, you activate a whole different way that your energy flows across the two sides of your brain. You go into the highest level of intelligence. You unmask resilience. You increase your wisdom. You tune into the depths of your nonconscious where intelligence, pretty much your intelligence resides. Right. Because your conscious is basically a workhorse, and it's guided by your nonconscious. So what we've gotta see is what is dominant in the nonconscious. Now your nonconscious is gent is a is a gentle lady, gentleman, and it's basically always looking for the things that are blocking this growing and keeping you stuck in those. So it's on your side. Mhmm. But you have to tune in to what's coming up. So when you describe when you wanna do something difficult, you first think of something good. Yeah. What you've done is you've listened to wisdom from your nonconscious, which is that process. You've then called those up. You've activated your resilience. You've put yourself in a highly intelligent, wise state. Wow. Now you're in a state that's more able to cope with it. So when I work with a patient, for example, I would never start with that. I would say, okay. Let's talk about, you know, your favorite moments or your tell me a story about tell me a great movie. Yes. You know, let's talk about a great book. Anything, and then we would focus on that. When they were in that state, I knew that I had got their mind brain connection. Psychoneuropathy. I feel like thinking about the things that have been positive in my life or experiences creates a neurochemistry to which I can create out. That's exactly what you do. Yes. You have. So You've changed all the flow. You've these change what we they increase gamma, which is which is a way that you want to flow. Okay. And and when your eyes are open, you want, like, this what we call low gamma across the whole brain. Okay. I mean and then there's certain other patterns. I don't wanna go into the details. Sure. And that's gotta go into have a certain beta pattern and so on. Those energy waves, when they are flowing in that state, they activate the different parts of the brain to then be on high alert to respond and do what they designed to do, which then impacts your neurochemistry, everything then comes together, and you are in this prime state. Your HPA axis is now on high alert, and you now are in the ideal state for solution finding. This is so good. You guys, this is why I do the show right here. So let me just give you this again. Step one, gather awareness. Step two, reflect. Step three, right play draw. Step four, recheck. Step five, active reach, which is basically what we've been describing here. Welcome back to Max Out with Ed Mylett. Super excited to bring this gentleman to my left here today because if you take his IQ and you take mine and you average them together, you may actually get an average IQ out of the two of us here. So this is doctor Joe Dispenza, and Joe is I think he's a peak performance expert is what I would really call you. I think you help people reach their peak and their ability to perform in their life, but he's really an expert at the mind, body, spirit sort of connection and helping you really be a happier version of yourself. And so we're gonna talk about all the details of that today with you. So, Joe, thank you for being here. You're welcome, man. Happy to be with you. It's wonderful. And we're at Bulletproof Labs, by the way, in Santa Monica, California, which is one of the most impressive places I have ever been in in my life in terms of the cutting edge of human performance as well. And so, check out Bulletproof Labs when you get an opportunity to do that. So, let's max out our time here together today though. Okay? So, you say all kinds of things that I'm fascinated with, but I think you're fascinating because you've become this expert in a field that's very unique really to you. And the way you explain things, people always wanna know how to perform better, how their brain works. Mhmm. And I think you show them how to do it, but also why it works. And I'm fascinated by that. So But you didn't start out in this industry. Right? So before we go to all the great stuff, how the heck did you become you? Like, I've read about you. You you were actually you're a chiropractor prior. Correct? Yeah. I started out as a as a chiropractor. So so tell everybody about you just a little bit. Well, let's see. I, got started on this. I think most of the time when, we wake up, we need a wake up call. And I was in, Palm Springs, California. I was in a triathlon. I was on a biking portion of the race, and, I was making a turn, and I was passing two cyclists on the corner. And, there was a cadet, a police officer, kinda pointing at me, waving on to make the turn like this. Okay. And he had his back to the oncoming traffic. So when I made the turn, a four wheel drive Bronco going about 55 miles an hour, caught me from behind and catapulted me out of my bike. Oh my gosh. Anyway, when you land that hard on your rump or or on your back, the force of that compression takes the columns of the vertebrae and compresses them. So I had, broken six vertebrae on my spine, and I had bone fragments on my spinal cord. And the very top segment, eighth thoracic vertebrae, we I broke t eight, t nine, t ten, t eleven, t twelve, and l one. And t eight took the compressive force and I flexed. And so when I flexed, it compressed that vertebrae more than 60% and the arch where the, spinal cord passes through broke like a pretzel. So I had, multiple compression fractures of my thoracic spine. I had a bone fragments on my cord because when you compress a volume of something, the volume has to go somewhere. So it went back on the cord, and the neural arch of the a thoracic vertebrae was, was compressing the cord as well. Oh my goodness. So anyway, a typical procedure for something like that is the called the Harrington rod surgery. And they cut off the back parts of your vertebrae. It's called a laminectomy. In my case, it would be from the base of my neck to the base of my spine. Got chills. And, then they screw in these stainless steel rods, and the action of screwing into the the bone causes a cantilever. It kinda pulls the column off the cord in some cases Oh my goodness. And opens up the the nerve supply. And then they take bone fragments from your hip, and they they paste it over the top, and they hope for the best. And so I had four opinions, from four leading surgeons in Southern California, and it was unanimous that, that I needed that procedure. Now I was on a lot of pain. I had some neurological problems. And they told me if I didn't have the surgery, I would never walk again. So I decided against the surgery. Mhmm. And I thought I didn't wanna live handicapped. Mhmm. I didn't wanna be in a wheelchair, and I didn't wanna be addicted Mhmm. To pain medication. So I thought I might as well take a chance here. So I didn't really know what I was doing. I thought on what? Did you know what the alternative was? Well, I think I think that I believe that this voice kept coming up in my head saying, the power that made the body heals the body. And and I thought, well, god, this power is an intelligence, and intelligence is consciousness. Consciousness is awareness. Awareness is paying attention. It must be paying attention to me. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Did you think this way prior to that incident? Yeah. To some degree, I think I think that most of us are philosophical to some degree. You know, we have a philosophy about life. So what? Mhmm. But when you're initiated, that means you have to initiate that philosophy. So Love that. I had to take what I knew Mhmm. And weigh it against what I didn't know. And I think one of the worst places we are we wind up as human beings is indecision. Mhmm. And so I had very, very strong authorities telling me Yeah. You're never gonna walk again. You're gonna you have a head injury. I don't know why you're deciding against the surgery. If it was my son, it would be on the Operating table. Anyway, I checked out of the hospital and I began the process. I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't doing anything. I was laying face down and I said I'm not going to let any thought slip by my awareness that I don't want to experience. And if this intelligence is truly a consciousness, I have to be present with it. And so, what I did was I just started reconstructing my spine and my mind, vertebrae by vertebrae. And then you know, I'd start off doing that and the next thing you know, I'd start thinking about should I sell my home, should I sell my practice? And I realized that the template, the design that I wasn't creating wasn't complete. So I'd stop, start all over again, get frustrated, then it would get harder. And that Sounds like me when I began meditating. Yes. It's the same thing. Yeah. Because meditation requires being present and that's a skill. You got to practice it. So, I didn't have a teacher at the time. I was just going off my intuition and that would take me three hours to go through the whole entire process just to complete it. And I'd start all over because I wanted it to be a complete model. So six and a half weeks of just a dark night of the soul. Because I think when we're traumatized or we're under stress, we tend to focus on what we don't want to have happen and what we do want to have happen. And I think in survival, we're always preparing for the worst case scenario. So it was a it was a battle that I couldn't get my mind to do what I wanted to do. At the end of six and a half weeks, one day, I went through the whole entire thing without breaking my focus and I swear it was like hitting a golf ball right in the sweet spot. It just clicked and I clicked. And from that moment on, my body started to heal. That's incredible. I started to have less pain, my neurological symptoms symptoms were were diminishing. And the moment I started to correlate the changes that were happening in my body with what I was doing inside of me, I just started doing it with more passion and more enthusiasm. Anyway, I was back on my feet in, nine and a half weeks. I was back training again at, twelve weeks. Come on. I was back in my practice. And, you know, they told me that I would have to wear this body cast for a year six months to a year. And, well, gosh, I put it on once and took it off and said there's just no way I'm gonna wear this. And so I just made a deal with myself. And the deal was, in those lonely nights where I couldn't sleep, if, if I'm ever able to walk again, I'll spend the rest of my life studying the mind body connection and mind over matter, and pretty much that's what I've been doing. That's amazing. So that's the see, I'm a layman. So I start out introducing you as a peak performance, because I see everything through performance, I guess. Right? But that's incredible because the sophisticated version is that you're this you've studied this convergence of, like, neuroscience, quantum physics, epigenetics, sort of the convergence of that. Right? Mhmm. What would you say you'd do? In other words, if someone said to you because I know we talk a lot about healing. What would you say? Someone says, what do you do? What would your answer be to that? I get that question every day. Every week when I'm on a plane Yeah. Someone sits next to me. Right. They go, so what do you do? And then I wind up talking to them for four hours. I I I teach people really a way to live a better life and to to heal themselves of past scars, to provide the tools for them to realize that they're more than they really perceive themselves to be. And and I believe that your personality creates your personal reality. Mhmm. And Can you elaborate on that? I was gonna ask you about that. Yeah. So your personality is made up of how you think, how you act, and how you feel. Mhmm. So the present personality who's watching this show has created the present personal reality called their life. God. Means then if you wanna change your life, your personal reality Mhmm. That means fundamentally you have to change your personality. Mhmm. That means you have to start thinking about what you've been thinking about and change it. You have to begin to become aware of your unconscious habits and behaviors and modify them. Mhmm. Then you have to look at certain emotions that keep you anchored to the past and decide if those emotions belong in your future. Mhmm. And I think after all these years that I think that most people try to create a new personal reality as the same personality and it doesn't work. You know, you literally have to become someone else. So the process then, most people, they're thinking the same thoughts, they're making the same choices, they're demonstrating the same behaviors, they're creating the same experiences that stamp the same networks of neurons into the same patterns all for the familiar feeling that they call themselves. And if you keep doing that over and over again, there's a principle in neuroscience that says that nerve cells that fire together wire together. Mhmm. So people begin to hardwire their brain into very finite signature into these automatic programs. Mhmm. Turns out by the time we're 35 years old, we become a set of memorized behaviors, emotional reactions, beliefs, perceptions, unconscious attitudes that function just like a computer program. So when people want to change, they're using 5% of their conscious mind and they can think positively all they want, but the programs are running subconsciously telling them that they're negative. So so the only way to do that then is to get into the operating system. And getting into the operating system of of that the where those programs exist requires then people beginning to go do some inward work. Mhmm. If you sit down and you disconnect from your outer world, you close your eyes, we play some music in the background, you sit your body down Mhmm. And not smelling anything or tasting anything or experiencing anything or feeling anything, and you're not thinking about or anticipating the future or remembering the familiar past, that moment, that elegant moment where you fall into the present moment is where the magic happens. And so after looking at enough brain scans in the process of studying the transformation, yeah, I call that getting beyond yourself because when you disconnect from your present personal reality and personality, now you're ready to create something else. And so what thoughts do you want to fire and wire in your brain? What behaviors do you want to demonstrate in the act of rehearsing the behavior Mhmm. Begins to install the neurological hardware in your brain, primes it to look like the experience has already happened. Yep. Let's step back for a second. I wanna stay on that. I want everyone to be with us. So a couple things you said, because you said a ton there. Right? And so this is I want everybody to catch a couple things here. The the a basic thing, a base model is that people don't think about what they think about enough. In other words, just taking a second to think about what you actually think about is a breakthrough experience. Just something that simple. Yeah. Right? And we have you can correct me, but we have somewhere around 80,000 thoughts a day. Is that about right? Yeah. And at some point, 70% of them, I just want everybody to understand this, are the same thoughts. 90. 90% of them. Yeah. So 90% of those thoughts are the same thoughts on a daily basis and we wonder why, if we really are what we think about, why our lives continue to sort of perpetuate themselves over and over again. You got it. Okay. We got it. And so, we have these patterns. You've talked about beginning to consciously choose and decide what these thoughts and behaviors are that you would like. So, is there a way specifically, maybe one technique you give today outside of some of the seminars and books that we're gonna talk about in a minute, but how do you break that pattern and how do you become conscious of getting new thoughts that serve you, that create that person that you wanna be? Look, it's really simple. Okay. Your brain is organized to reflect everything you know in your life. Your brain is a record of the past. It's an artifact Mhmm. Of everything you've learned and experienced to this moment. And feelings and emotions are the end product of past experiences, and we can remember experiences better because we remember how they feel. So most people wake up in the morning and they start remembering all their problems. And those problems are connected to certain people and certain things at certain times and places. The moment they start thinking about those problems, they're thinking in the past. Those problems have an emotion associated with them. And the moment they start feeling those emotions, the body is the unconscious mind, doesn't know the difference between an experience that's creating an emotion and the emotion the person's fabricating by thought alone. Now, thoughts are the language of the brain and feelings are the language of the body. And how you think and how you feel creates your state of being. So most people's entire state of being when they start their day is already in the past. So you have a choice. The choice is you're either defined by a vision of the future or you're defined by memories of the past. And when you decide to say, okay, I'm going to change, and you decide one thing, I'm not going to eat this food, I'm going to wake up earlier, I'm going to do something aerobic, I'm not going to have sugar after 06:00, whatever it is, the person whatever choice a person makes, the moment you make a choice to do something differently, and the hardest part about change is not making the same choices you did the day before, get ready because it's going to feel uncomfortable. It's going to feel unfamiliar. There's gonna be some uncertainty and unpredictability and that's the moment the game is on. Yes. So then most people, their their body has been conditioned emotionally to be the mind. Yeah. So now this so the the body says, wow. I'd rather hang on to my guilt Mhmm. Than take a chance and possibility. I'd rather live in fear Yes. Than trust in the unknown. So so once the person feels uncomfortable, the body goes, woah. Wait a second. We're out of the program here. And body starts influencing the mind. That's right. So it says start tomorrow. You'll never change. Right. You don't have the money to do this. You're not good enough. Your mother told you or this. Your father's fault. It's your ex's fault. You know, all of the voices that come up. Now here's the deal. If you respond to those voices, those same thoughts as if they're true by the way, they're always going on behind the scenes of your awareness, but now they're amplified because you're outside your comfort zone. You believe in that thought, that thought's gonna lead to the same choice, which is gonna lead to the same behavior, which is gonna create the same experience and produce the same emotion. And the person's gonna say, this feels right. No. No. No. That feels familiar. Going from the old self to the new self is a neurological. It's a biological. It's a chemical, it's a hormonal, it's a genetic death of the old self. Mhmm. And people will say to me in that void, in that unknown, I can't predict my future. And I'll say to them the best way to predict your future is to create it. I love it. Not from the known but from the unknown. I love it. So close your eyes now and think about that vision. Once you start thinking about that vision of your future, you're activating the creative centers in your brain. Mhmm. And naturally Mhmm. You begin to think about putting yourself in the scene. Yes. And the act of doing that when you're truly passionate and truly present, the moment you're defined by that vision, when the thought in your mind becomes the experience, you begin to feel the emotion of the event before it's made manifest. Now, you're giving your body a sampling, a taste of the future. And now, if a thought and a feeling create a new state of being, you're combining a clear intention with an elevated emotion Mhmm. And now you're beginning to change your biology. And you're seeing a whole new landscape that you could never see before because you're no longer viewing your future through the lens of the past. I love this. Now this this requires then something really specific because most people will wait for theirs their wealth to feel abundance. They'll wait for their success to feel empowered. They'll wait for their new relationship to feel loved. They'll get all these things when? Yes. Right. So so so think about that. The absence of getting those things causes people to live in lack their entire life. Right. And so they're waiting for something outside of them to change how they feel inside of them. And if they're not creating a new life, then they're not applying the proper principles, then they keep all their manifestations, all their dreams at arm's length. Let's think about this. If you get up feeling gratitude, if you get up feeling empowered, if you get up feeling whole, if you get up feeling unlimited Mhmm. Why would you why would you worry about whether it was gonna come or not? You would feel like it already happened. Right. How do you do that when you are stepping into the you know, if you give us one strategy, one thought, one technique that keeps us Is it just for me, candidly, for me it's just always been because you're you're explaining to me in a much more deep level things I've understood through my own experience. Right? Everyone that's listening to this has had an experience where these formulas, these concepts, and these ideas have worked for you. They have. You've all had an experience like this. For me, it's just being conscious of it. Yeah. For me, it's it's literally for me taking control of it and being conscious about how would you answer that? I absolutely agree with you, Ed. Okay. You're absolutely right. Okay. We're wired Right. To create. This isn't something that you have to try to do. Right. You just have to get beyond the memory of your past and all the associations to create a new future. Now theoretically, that sounds sounds really easily, but everybody's done it at least once in their life. What happened? You get a wild idea. Yeah. You get a crazy idea and you think what would it be like to be happy? What would it be like to be in love? What would it be like to be rich? Whatever it is. Yes. And you all of a sudden you ask that question Mhmm. And you turn on the creative center in your brain. That's right. It turns on. Yes. And then now the frontal lobe is is the is the boss. It's the CEO. It's a symphony leader. And the frontal lobe as an executive has connections to all other parts of the brain. Now when you ask that question, it's gotta answer it. So it's gotta look out over the landscape and see what kind of raw materials do I have. Well, you only have a few things, knowledge you've learned and experiences you had. So it begins to call up different networks of neurons, and it begins to seamlessly piece them together. And you get a vision in your mind that's called intent. And if you're passionate, you start to feel the feelings of when it happens. Now you're giving your body that energetic boost. Now everybody's done this. The moment you've said that, no one can talk you out of it. No person. That's right. No thing, no experience. It's you're possessed by it. Mhmm. So then what happens next? You start writing down Yeah. All the choices you need to make. K. All the things you gotta do. K. All the goals and experiences you want in your future. And every time you write one of those goals or experiences down, you start to feel more of those emotions. And now you're basically assembling more of your future. Now the astute person does something really amazing. They start learning more information. You want to be wealthy? Study wealthy people. Mhmm. You wanna be healthy? Study healthy people. Mhmm. You as you begin to gain more knowledge, you're adding more stitches into the three-dimensional tapestry, and you got more raw materials Mhmm. To dream in new ways. Now here's the part that that is the most important. Mhmm. Take out a piece of paper and say, what thoughts do I have to stop thinking? You know, I can't. I'll start tomorrow. I'm too hard. I don't feel like it. I have a headache. Mhmm. I gotta go to sleep. I'm tired. List those thoughts Yep. And become so conscious Yes. Of those thoughts that you would never let one of those thoughts slip by your awareness unchecked by you. Can I say something about that? Yeah. I wanna jump in on that. One of the powers of writing those thoughts down is you completely eliminate and weaken their influence over you. They become minimized when you write them. They lose their power over you when you grab control of them by writing them down. It's a significantly powerful exercise is to write down those thoughts. Yeah. From a neuroscientific standpoint, what's called metacognition because the moment you can observe the thought and become conscious of it, you're no longer the program. Your consciousness observing the program and you begin to literally objectify your subjective self and now you're pulling out. So then write down the choices you have to stop making. Mhmm. Look at the things you have to stop doing. Do you complain? Do you make excuses? Do you blame other people? What do you do? List those things and be really honest with yourself. What experiences do you have to stay away from from certain people at certain times of stay away from them so that you are not in the environment that triggers it. And now here's the most important point. K. Write down those emotions that keep you anchored to the past because those emotions are literally residue from the past chemically. So then the moment you start feeling suffering, the moment you start feeling guilt, the moment you start feeling unworthy, the moment you start feeling despair, or the moment you start feeling any of those emotions, you're back in your past. Yes. And you can't see the future. You're you're you're you're you're you're thinking within those emotional states, and we've looked at enough brain stands to say that when you think within a certain emotion, you're gonna make your brain worse. Thoughts are physical. Mhmm. What are thoughts when they happen in your body? The power of this. The stronger the emotion that you feel Mhmm. From any condition in your environment, the more you pay attention to the cause. So the higher the threshold of the emotion, the more the brain narrows its focus on whatever it is in the environment does it, and the brain takes a snapshot, and that's called a memory. K. So now people think neurologically within the circuits of the past experience Mhmm. And they feel chemically within the boundaries of those emotions. Now you say to the person, well, what happened? Mhmm. The person say this person did this to me, that person did that, then this happened. And the latest research on memory says that 50% of what you talk about in the past isn't even the truth. That you you you don't have the same brain then. So you make stuff up, which means now you're reliving a past that you didn't even have just to embellish it, to produce the emotions, to reaffirm your limited limited state. Talk to us about beliefs. How powerful are they? What are they? Why do they matter? So, I'll start with the story first and then I'll I'll share, beliefs and then what to do so we have some practical things that you can start doing today. Yep. So, back in 1987 when I bought, the franchise rights for REMAX of Indiana, I have no idea how to build a company. I was, you know, 26 years old and, but I had another mentor who I invested $75,000 to become his partner to have the opportunity to learn from this man who at the time was worth probably a $100,000,000. And so I was very, very, keen on learning, and I didn't know how to build a business. I didn't know anything other than how to sell real estate. And I set a goal, to, generate $1,000,000,000 a year in sales. And I set the goal for five years in the future, not knowing a billion dollar goal is, like, mind boggling big for me. And I there was an interview, the second week I was in Indianapolis. I moved from Toronto to Indianapolis for this opportunity. And, I was interviewed by the Indianapolis Business Journal and I said, in the interview, that's a a goal for a billion dollars. And the reporter said, are you aware that there's two companies that have been in the state of Indiana for eighty years, one a hundred years the other one, and they haven't hit a billion dollars in real estate sales in all of these years. And I said, yeah. I know. It's Graves and Tucker, and, you can let them know that I'll be the first. Right? And as I said that, I almost felt like I put my foot right in my mouth because I didn't know how I was gonna do it. Right. Long story short, five years later, we sold enough franchise, recruit enough agents. We did $1,200,000,000, and we were we were stuck, which is a great place to be stuck. And I was asking myself, how is it possible that I'm training these agents with strategies, with tactics, with selling skills, marketing skills? We were like the gurus of here's the books, here's the cassettes, here's the trainers, here's like, out of the deep end and the agents who, for example, would make $30,000 a year, kept making 30,000 a year. The agents who made 50 kept making 50. They just made a 100 kept making a 100. And so I realized that they weren't missing the skills or the knowledge. There was something else at play. And what helped me from the age of 19 to 27, 28, 30, was every single day, and I still do it today, and I'll share this with with you in just a little bit. Every single day, I was priming my brain with the beliefs and the self image required to achieve the goals that I wanted. So I got 75 agents together who agreed to pay $3,000 each to be part of an inner game training. Forget the outer game, the inner game training. We worked on affirmations, visualization, mindfulness, meditation, listening to our affirmations on our vision on our cassette recorders. We had little cassettes we put in our cars and so I had them work on their self image and self worth and self esteem and to develop the beliefs that we were gonna imprint or impregnate into their subconscious mind by listening to these audios every single day, twice a day, and while they were drying. And those 75 agents over six months increased sales by $100,000,000. My gosh. We didn't teach them one thing about selling more. Wow. We taught them about changing their identity and their belief structure so that it matched the goals they wanted to achieve. And then I said, holy shit. This works even for other people, not just me. So we started to teach that to all of our agents. And we created these cassettes with these recordings on them of the beliefs that we needed them to to believe, the self image that they deserved, that they were good enough, they were smart enough. And we went from 1,200,000,000 to four and a half billion a year Wow. Within four years. Wow. And that's my beliefs. And so, guys, that's a belief A little bit of beliefs and believing in a new self image and identity and a new story. Gosh. So good. Alright. Because you're gonna tell us about beliefs. What they are. Yeah. So if you think of yeah. So so when you were born, were you born with any beliefs? No. Were you born with any habits? No. Were you born with any fears? No. No. So from a neuroscience or neuropsychology perspective, a belief is nothing more than this. Imagine that you're born and your brain is made up of a 100,000,000,000 marbles and every time you have an experience or somebody says something to you, you read something or you watch something, these marbles make these connections. And the connections that are reinforced go from conscious connections to subconscious connections. And once these subconscious connections are made and reinforced, they run the show 98% of the time. So a belief is nothing more than a reinforced pattern in the brain and our conscious brain can choose what we want when we're in that, part of our brain, but our subconscious mind can't choose its program from the age of zero three, in the imprinting years, three to about seven or eight, the modeling years, and then eight on, it's the experiential years. And so if you have these, powerful beliefs that you're good enough, you're smart enough, you're worthy to achieve the goals that you have, if you have these powerful beliefs, you are able to achieve any amount of income you choose no matter what the amount is, you just need to learn how. So if you have these empowering beliefs, you have brain coherence between conscious and subconscious. Bam. What if you said, okay, I wanna make, let's just say a $100,000 a year or a million, it doesn't make a difference. And I asked you, what do you need to believe about yourself to achieve this? So I need to believe I'm smart enough. Good. Write down I am smart enough. What else do you need to believe? I need to believe that I am worthy. I need to believe that I deserve this. I need to believe that it's possible. I need to believe you write down five or six or seven beliefs. They're just words on a sheet of paper. Now let me stop for just a moment. I'm gonna tell a story and come back to this. I want you to imagine that somebody tapped you on the shoulder sometime today and say, hey, I work with Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks in Hollywood, and we have this new script, okay, that if you get really good at this script where you could read it in front of a camera without the script, we'll pay you $10,000,000. Now I want you to imagine you've never seen the script, you don't know how to act, but they said to you, we're gonna give you an acting coach, we're gonna give you everything you need to memorize the script, we're gonna do everything you need to act it perfectly. What would you do to take that script that's on a piece of paper that you've never seen before? What would you do to take that script to make it yours for you to own it? And the answer is you probably read it, like, what, once? Would you read it maybe a 100 times, 200 times, 500 times? Do you think you might role play with somebody while you're holding the script in your hand? Do you think you might research the role? Do you think you might take a camera and practice it? And do you think that if you practice it one time, 50 times, a 100 times, 500 times, you can finally put the script down and you can get in front of the camera and go, boom, here is the script. Do you think you could do that? Well, guess what? A script that's on a piece of paper that you don't believe with practice, you start to believe. So what happens if you take a belief system and you start to imprint it into your subconscious mind initially through conscious repetition. But there are ways to access the subconscious mind that we know today that are faster and easier than just doing it consciously. And so you take a vision of you achieving your goals and dreams. You take the beliefs you need. You learn how to manage your emotions a little bit better, and then you develop the habits which, again, are nothing more than neural patterns in the brain that have been reinforced. And when you learn how to deactivate the destructive ones and activate constructive ones through space repetition and reinforcement, now you are resetting your default way of being. Oh. So a belief is nothing more than a reinforced pattern that if you learn how to deactivate it and create a new one, it's like a software upgrade for your brain. Wow. So, guys, what he didn't say so good, John. Thank you. Guys, this is stuff that you pay thousands of dollars for, but you by the way, you can get in his book and you get here because I know him for free. But, guys, what he didn't say is beliefs are necessarily true. No. That's just the truth. The truth. And this is important, you know, I've told you many times everybody that your thoughts aren't necessarily true. Your beliefs are not necessarily true. Their patterns reinforced over time. And so if you could create this new script that's reinforced these patterns over time, that's a conscious way of doing it. Give us one key. You said we know now there's subconscious ways to do it that are faster and more powerful. Give us one that is, a new hack to do this. So so one that everybody's heard of and very few people do unless you're a professional athlete, astronaut, or Navy SEAL is visualization. Yes. Thank you. Simple, simple. I know you had Phil Mickelson on in the past and I'm watching. And if you think about visualization is simulation. Now here is the difference. Woah. That's good. Okay. Go ahead. So visualization is simulation. So when we close our eyes or even if our eyes are open and we start to use our Einstein brain, the imagination, we now have just activated one of the biggest centers of our brain, the occipital lobe that's connected to the motor cortex. It's connected to the motivational circle, the nucleus cones that releases that dopamine that makes you feel good, that makes you wanna take action. So if you visualize yourself achieving the goal, if you visualize yourself behaving in ways that match the new belief, if you even visualize the words or you take the words on a sheet of paper and you read them, run your right finger across it, run your left finger across it, close your eyes, see it and feel it, your brain is creating a mental movie with the words. And as it creates a mental movie with the words, that's happening in your subconscious mind. And when you give the subconscious these instructions, a couple things happen because of the way the brain hierarchy works. Number one is survival, but then number two is safety, and then number three is energy conservation. Now when you do something twenty, thirty, forty, fifty times, it takes about sixty six days to three hundred and sixty five days of repetition to override an old habitual circuit. Not ten days, not twenty one days, sixty six to three sixty five. So if you visualize yourself achieving the goal, feeling the success that you want to feel, seeing the belief on the screen of your mind, you are actually creating a neural network through the science of neuroplasticity, and the networks that you reinforce become the most dominant networks. And since your brain wants to conserve energy, if you do this on a consistent basis, your brain says, okay, you're doing this so often, let me just make this automatic, let me set aside the old beliefs, let me replace it with the new beliefs, and now you've deliberately and consciously evolved yourself. My gosh. So guys, it's patterns. John, thank you. All patterns. Guys, John used the word earlier which was coherence and it can fly by. But when you've done this hard work, and I say fun work by the way, on your subconscious brain Yeah. Your subconscious mind, what happens is now when you set that ambitious goal, there's a coherence between what's lying underneath you and what's on the surface. That's why you know people, you all have someone you know, that when they point their mind at something, it's almost like a weapon. When they point themselves in a dream, they draw it towards them. Part of that's energy, part of that's vibration, but a big part of that is coherence in your brain. And so you gotta do this difficult work that you might think is difficult, which by the way is fun, is easy, and it's really just a matter of patterns and taking control of your life. Taking control of the things you do, you can literally, everybody, change your life. You can change the external parts of your life by changing the internal or the inner sizes that he teaches part of your life. That's why I do this show. That's what we're gonna talk about. Can I just can I just piggyback on something? Please. Since you picked up on the word coherence, and you mentioned the law of attraction earlier, For the people who think that the law of attraction is, you know, think, believe, and you'll achieve, first, I'm gonna tell you that's bullshit. So let's call it I love this man. I love it. Bullshit. But I want you to think of your brain just a little bit differently and think of it this way. Let's say you love rock and roll, and let's say rock and roll's on station ninety five point five. If you're on station ninety two point one, that might be classical. If you're on station ninety eight point seven, that might be punk rock. But a 92.5, that's rock and roll. So imagine coherence just means locking your electromagnetic spectrum of your brain. Lock it and load it on exactly what you want. So what's the vision? What's the goal? What are the beliefs? What are the emotions that create coherence so you're locked and loaded to the frequency of the universe that is matching that goal, part one. Part two is when you get locked and loaded, you've actually activated the Einstein brain, connected to the motor cortex, connected to the dopamine release in your body, and when that happens, okay, now you're incoherence, but there's another part that happens in this Einstein part of the brain. That's actually what the latest neuroscientists psychologists are thinking is connected to this GPS part of our brain to the frequency of where all of the tools, resources, people are that resonate with that, frequency. So we've been evolving for what, two and a half million years, this Homo erectus to now a 108,000,000,000 humans on Earth with a brain that's been changing and growing. And my belief is we're just scratching the proverbial surface. When we talk about, you know, little quantum mechanics or quantum physics with entanglement, how we're all connected, we're all tuning into the frequencies that are us and within us and all around us. Now when we learn to use our brain better, it's just mind boggling how we can achieve goals and dreams that we thought were impossible to achieve before. This is the fun part now. You teach, like, I think you call it, like, five steps to mind management. Yes. The neuroscientist. So give us a quick what's the difference between brain and mind, and what are these five steps to managing our mind? Maybe you just listed a few of them there, but I I like lists. So I'm just wondering what those are. Absolutely. Well, first of all, the five steps we we call the neuro what I call it the neuro cycle. So with your mind, you're cycling through your brain. You you're directing the neuroplasticity which is really nice to know. You can actually direct changes in your brain. So my whole premise is that if you are always your mind is always working and it's always changing the brain and it's always happening, can we direct that process? So for three three three almost four decades now, I've been researching that. And the answer is yes, and that's what's in the book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess. So if you add the neuro cycle to your lifestyle, and it's a lifestyle, you actually will literally improve your ability to manage your mind by 81% and more, which is phenomenal because it means that you influence cellular health through the telomeres, which we can unpack as well. You can reduce inflammation. You can improve your immune function, your cardiovascular function, neurological, kidney life. Everything about your body will respond to mind management because your mind basically is driving all those functions anyway. Your gut health, your gut brain into action, all of it isn't hap if you date your brain and body are dead. So what's keeping what's the difference between a dead person and an alive person? Mind. So if mind is messy, brain and body are messy. If mind is cleaned up and it's a process because we're all gonna be messy because we have free will. And part of getting a a mind sorted out, man part of mind management is dealing with the mental mess. It's accepting I'm going to be make bad decisions. I'm gonna get into arguments. I am gonna make, you know, misunderstand people. I am going to have acute traumas and toxic traumas and imposter syndrome and people pleasing and all the stuff all of us go through in different ways. So I'm gonna have that and it's okay but how am I gonna manage it? Yeah. So for me personally what's happened over the years is that I still go through these things but the difference is I'm 81% more efficient in identifying and managing. So instead of something that could throw me years ago for days and affect my work and everything, I can deal with it within seconds and minutes and get back on track. So that's one part of the answer. So before I go to my brain, do you wanna ask anything or unpack anything with what I see? I are there are there specifically five things like it are going to sequence? Yes. It's a sequence. So so before I tell the sequence, let me tell you mind brain because it'll make so much more sense. Okay. Because I said alluded to it a lot. So your mind is separate from your brain but inseparable. So what is the brain? The brain and mind are not the same thing. Got it. And the the brain and body collectively are made of 37 to a 100,000,000,000,000 cells and your mind is and then that those 37 to a 100,000,000,000,000 cells arrange themselves into this incredible the brain and the heart and the lungs etcetera. And your mind is what actually is the external force that keeps them going the blood flowing, their chemicals, electricity, electromagnetics all of that which is phenomenal. So that's why if our mind is not managed, the body and the brain will be a mess. And so and that goes down to even like if you are eating, if you're eating maybe eating a farm to table, wonderful diet, etcetera, but you're not dealing with your anxiety or you're not you're trying to stuff it down or you're not dealing with that bad habit or that toxic trauma, you will lose up to 80% of the nutrition because your mind has affected the ability of the digestive system to actually digest and get the assimilate the nutrients. And sometimes it's kind of messy and sometimes it's great and we all if we're human we all going to experience messes and there's no shame in that. The sooner we get rid of the shame and guilt and condemnation around being messy and the sooner we as leaders talk about the mind more authentically the more we give people that follow us a permission to talk about mind. Only 3% of leaders are talking about mind which is terrible. So that's creating the stigma that they are pretending that we're perfect. And that's why we see people that seem to be perfect in their lives and they're committing suicide. Meanwhile, it's because we've got this philosophy in this day and age of not being open and seeing, issues of the mind as helpful messengers of an underlying issue. The neuro cycle then is these five steps. It is how you manage your mind moment by moment. So it's a lifestyle. So the neuro cycle is what you do when you're awake and and conscious and it then automatically prepares you for sleep because sleep is fixing up your brain. So your mind is always with you so your mind always needs to be managed. And so an analogy and then I will dive into the five steps you can go three weeks without food, you can go three days without water, you can go three minutes without oxygen but you don't even go three seconds without oxygen but you don't even go three seconds without using your mind. So you are always thinking, feeling and choosing yeah. So it's gather awareness, second step is to reflect, third step is to write, fourth step is to recheck and the first step is an act of reach. So each of those, they are so profound, they do the most phenomenal stuff in your brain and the first half of the book where I talk about the mental health system and I talk about my clinical trials, I do explain what each of those steps are doing. So the first thing is to gather awareness. Gather awareness, and I've chosen words very carefully. If you think of a big fat apple tree and you're apple picking and this apple tree is so full that you actually can't like, you just go up and you just nudge it and this apple is just falling on your head. That's how we often feel when our minds are messy. It's just everything's just falling on our head and it's just too much. So what you can do with a neuropsychologist when you feel that situation coming on, remove yourself from the tree and stand back and watch the tree Yes. And gather awareness of all of that. Don't be scared of it. Don't run away from the apple tree. Just stand back and observe the apple tree. Observe what's going on there.

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## How Navy SEAL Jason Redman Learned to Live Greatly After Trauma! [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl48KzThmT8
- **Published:** 1 month ago

You've now been shot. It's eight times. A lot of people think that the day that I was wounded was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. It's not. And I'll be honest. So many people get confused in this life, and they define things that happen to them as a bad day. Have a slogan, there are no bad days. I hear you. If you woke up this morning, it's still a good day. I survived a vicious enemy ambush. I almost got myself kicked out of the SEAL teams. I had my brothers totally ostracized me. I ended up in a chair in Afghanistan with a gun in my mouth and almost took my life. Thankfully, God kinda slapped me in the back of the head and said, what are you doing? What message do you send to your wife and kids if you were to take your life in Afghanistan? You need to navigate through this. How did you not find yourself living in fear? After the injuries? Yeah. So often we stand on the ramp of life, and we have these hopes and goals and dreams, and we're afraid. We're afraid of failing again. What if people make fun of me or whatever it is? Jump. Yeah. Jump. Because I tell you what, it is that action. It's that step off the end of the ramp that enables greatness. And even if you fail, so what? Yeah. You have to live greatly. Don't get to the end of your life and be like, what if I was too afraid to go after him? Jump. Living greatly, baby. Welcome back to the show, everybody. This week's an honor for me because I've known of this man for probably a decade, and we sort of circled each other. I want him to be on the show. I had him come in and speak to one of my companies, and he did so well. We ended up bringing him back every single year. Yeah. He's just he's really an incredible man with a remarkable story. So just imagine this, twenty one years as an Navy SEAL. Just take that right away. So I know I got your attention early. His insights into leadership, mindset, overcoming trauma, it's just there's so many topics that we can go with today. But if you're watching on YouTube, you can see that Jason had an injury to his face. And so one of the reasons that he came on my radar is he was shot, I believe it's eight times, in a firefight. And that obviously is not something that you just wake up the next day and have breakfast. It's a life changing event. And so we're gonna talk all things trauma. We're gonna talk about relationships, believe it or not, with the Navy Seal. He's got a new book out right now called Mission Invincible Marriage. It's out right now. You can get it. And it's a really a book that he's done with his wife. And so we got a lot of things to cover here in about fifty five minutes. So Jason Reban, welcome to the show. Yeah. Honored honored to be on. I wanted to talk to you for a long time because I think a lot of times in our life, like, we think we're going through tough stuff. And in our own world, we are. Right? Like, maybe someone listening to this just went through a breakup or they've had a financial setback. And I've sort of said this to my kids over the years. You're having a bad day compared to what? Right. Right? You had a bad day compared to anything. Would you mind just for my own edification, the audience taking us back to the day where really your life, I guess, had to change the most dramatically was that day. Or is that not the day that that happened? That is not the day. And oftentimes, a lot of people think that that, you know, the day that I was wounded was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. It's not. And I'll be honest. I wanna unpack even a little more. Let's step back for a second. So many people get confused in this life, and they define things that happen to them as a bad day. And I I have a slogan, there are no bad days. I know you do. If you woke up this morning, it's still a good day. Because that means you have the ability to deal with whatever problem or or challenge you're facing. I you know, real bad days leave permanent scars, physical, mental, emotional, financial, and sometimes they'll they'll cost people their lives. They are opportunities, though, to grow. Most people who use that very trite phrase, oh, I'm having a bad day, it's really a schedule disruption. That's all it is. Their day did not unfold in the manner that it they thought it was going to, but they allow those negative thoughts to just carry with them. And then they project it on the people around them, And it it impacts their business, it impacts their family, and most importantly, it impacts their mindset. And they're just scheduled disruptions. Welcome to life. Things don't always go according to plan. Our ability to flex and and be positive and drive forward. For me, once again, going back to the day that I was wounded, God prepared me for that day. And I often try and tell people, be thankful for the true bad days that come along. I call them life ambushes. I survived a vicious enemy ambush, but everybody gets ambushed in life. You talked about people define bad days, you know, the endings of relationships, financial crisis, life threatening illness or injury. All these different things can be bad days, but when you go through them and you're successfully when you navigate to the other side, that is where we build our overcome muscles, and it prepares you for future ones. When we wrote my book Over Calm, we interviewed a bunch of people, and we came up that the average human will go through about six, six bad days in their lifetime, true bad days, things that will forever leave physical, mental, emotional, or deep financial scars. If you navigate through them, though, they make you better. I failed as a young leader. I was a enlisted seal who did really well and unfortunately grew arrogant, and, and it led to my downfall through a whole bunch of different things. It was a slow erosion of my credibility as a leader that was culminated with a bad call on a mission in Afghanistan. And even that might not have been totally my downfall if I had owned it. When my leadership said this was a terrible decision, if I had owned it and said, wow. You're right. This was a terrible decision. But I didn't. I fought against it and said, you know, I did the right thing. You're just throwing me under the bus. I took this victim mindset, which is frequently what happens in life when we mess up. And, it led me God took me on a journey to rock bottom. I almost got myself kicked out of the seal teams. I had my brothers totally ostracized me and say that guy's dangerous. We we don't want him here. I ended up in a chair in Afghanistan with a gun in my mouth and almost took my life. Thankfully, God kinda slapped me in the back of the head and said, what are you doing? You know, you you what message do you send to your wife and kids if you were to take your life in Afghanistan? You know, you need to navigate through this. And I met, I went and sought help. I met a chaplain, and I'll never forget. He said to me, you know, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow if they're gonna kick you out or not. But right now, this is the end. And he said, so often in life, we're gonna hit these the end moments. So often, true bad days in in humans' lives are the end of something. They may be the end of a business. They may be the end of a relationship. They may be at the end of our health. Mhmm. But it also becomes a new beginning. And he said, no matter what happens, whether you get kicked out or not, tomorrow's a new beginning. You're either gonna have to figure out your path forward because they're gonna call upon you. If they do keep you, it will be a journey for you. And he was absolutely right. The next day, thankfully, my commanding officer believed in me. He said, I've seen you do some good things. He said, you we need to help you grow up. We need to humble you. And that started a journey for me, to truly grow up, to humble myself, to understand that I wasn't as great as I thought I was. Mhmm. Wasn't even close, that I wasn't living as a leader should. Mhmm. And it became the foundation of everything I teach today. It's everything I write about my book. It became the way I tried to lead myself and carry myself and deal with adversity and positivity. So much so over that that multiyear journey, that fast forward to that day that I was wounded. Don't get me wrong. In the beginning, it was very hard. Sure. But I looked back on that, and I was like, you know what, man? You have already walked the hardest path you've ever walked. You climbed out of the deep deepest, darkest hole from a chair in Afghanistan with a gun in your mouth to where you are today. You know what you need to do. You know all the tools that you had to build within yourself to to overcome that are the same tools you're gonna need for this. You're gonna lead yourself. You're gonna lead others. You're gonna lead always. You're gonna you're gonna you're gonna have this overcome mindset. We're gonna continue to grind. We're gonna get off the x and not feel sorry for ourselves. All these things that I had built and that God walked me through that path. That's a lot of the things that I'm gonna talk about today. So often when bad things happen, when we have true bad days, we're like, why, God? Why would you allow this to happen to me? Yeah. Well, I think it's because God's pushing us to become the next elite version of ourselves, and you need that. What you just said so profound. What's the I always think when someone's talking, what's the application for someone listening? And one of the applications is if you're going through one of those hard times and if you're not, you're going to. You have six of them evidently at least. Right? Yeah. So why not, when that's happening, have some approach like this is building me for something better or I have been prepared for this. I wanna ask you something about that time where you kinda lost your way as a SEAL. You said you got a little arrogant. There's a really unique nuance. I've only asked a few people this question, but there's this unique nuance of leaders that I respect and that I love. Also, just really good friends of mine have this very unique thing that I think I see in you now that I've met you in person. And here's what it is. I want you to talk about this if you could. It's not in your book. I just want I want your opinion about it. It's that they have a lot of confidence combined with a large amount of humility. They tow this very unique nuance between I am a confident person, but I also have humility where I'm learning, I'm humble, I don't have all the answers. Because in life, if you have somebody really close to you that's a leader that has a ton of confidence but no humility, they eventually flame out. They make a mistake. They think they're special. On the other side of the coin, even if you have a friend like this, they just have tons of humility but no confidence. You're dragging them through life all the time. Right? They're always having to pick them up. You're always pouring into them. Do you see that in leaders that you've admired and respected too? Like and how do you find that? Like, how do you find that balance of I'm confident. I know what I'm doing. I'm I know the direction I'm heading, but humility to know that really God's in charge. He's laughing at some of our biggest plans. I'm just curious to hear your thoughts on that. So a lot of people bring that up to me. They're like, man, you've had so many successes, but when we meet you in person, you're so humble. Number one, first and foremost, that rock bottom moment for me in Afghanistan taught me no one is ever as great as we think we are. And not only that, it can all be gone in a second. I live my life. I'm so thankful for the life that God has given me, the gifts he's given me, the the successes he's given me. But I also recognize they all could be gone tomorrow in a second. In the blink of an eye, something could happen and they could be gone. So I'm confident in my ability because I've had successes. I've been through hard things. I've learned through this amazing journey of life. I I think where it becomes arrogance is people will think it'll never go away and actually start to almost You're right. Look down on other people like, hey. Why would you ever question me? Or why would you think I can't do this? Or you're not at the same level I am. That's arrogance. And if you honestly think that bad things happen to good people every single day on this planet, people who have the most perfect plan in life get knocked down and and fail, crash and burn fail. And I I live my life this way. I'm thankful. I I feel like I'll pick myself back up, and I'll drive forward. Will I get back? I often talk about the overcome mindset driving forward and having that confidence. It doesn't mean you're gonna fix what's broken, and it doesn't mean that you will be able to replace what's lost. So what does it mean? So let's talk about this. So I think the I I love a lot of your work, but the overcome mindset to me, like, when I think of you, that's actually the work I think of. Probably because it was, like, the foundational stuff where you came on my radar. Right? So what does it mean? Let's unpack this a little bit. Because, you know, it's easy saying, but it there's strategy to this as well. So blend these two things together. You you've now been shot. Okay? It's eight times. It is a it it's not a good day. It might not have been your worst day, but It's a bad day. I think everybody driving in their car on the treadmill right now would prefer they don't get shot eight times in the face. I don't recommend. Right? Right? Yeah. Anybody looking for a path to build an overcome mindset, getting shot in the face by a machine gun is not it. You're probably not it. Right? And so what is what did that recovery look like, if you could take us through a little bit of it? And how did that morph into this, which you'd already been developing, this overcome mindset? If you could give us, like, the the actual practical things that happen and then the application of the thought process. So an overcome mindset is an idea that bad things are going to happen. Bad things happen to good people. I don't care how well you plan. And a lot of this is built in the the culture of the seal teams. I think out of any special operation unit, we are probably some of the best. And and not to knock, I mean, all of our soft forces, our Green Berets, our Rangers, MARSOC, Air Force, all of these great people, they do an amazing job training. They are some of our most elite out there. But there's something about SEAL training. I've witnessed it. I've been a part of it. I went to Ranger School. I work with Green Berets. I've worked with all of them. We're almost sadistic in how we come up with the way we train and try and decide, like, what is the worst case scenario we can come up with? And then we'll try and 10 x it to make it even more painful and miserable. Thinking that way gives you this this appreciation for most of the time when we conduct operations, things go according to plan or at least according to plan how we train. And it's kinda rare. It's only a 10% thing where they really go off course where, you know, we're getting all shot up or Yeah. Obviously, things get shot down. So I I've applied that mindset to life, and it's built on three principles. I tell people the overcome mindset is built on these three things. And getting wounded, there were three things that I already knew. So it was hard in those moments, but number one, awareness. Awareness that things can go wrong. If you think you're never gonna be knocked off your pedestal, if you think that, you know, maybe you're running a billion dollar business, or maybe everything's perfect in your family, and you think that nothing's ever gonna go wrong, you're living in la la land. There is the chance that things can always go wrong. There are just things that we cannot plan for. So number one's awareness. Number two is preparation. And this can be all the way to the level of we're physically training or we're putting financial safeguards in place, or we're doing whatever we can to prepare for the awareness that this could go wrong. And the last component is action. Oftentimes, when catastrophic true bad days happen, no different than a gunfight ambush, people are so overwhelmed by the pain and the misery, the bullets and bombs of life that are occurring, people freeze up and they're not only able to function. So if you haven't developed a level of awareness and done it at least some level of preparation, you're unable to take action. I often give the example of for all of you out there that have teenage kids Yeah. When we put them on the road, how terrifying is that? Terrifying. Every single day in America, young 16 year old drivers get in fatal accidents because they're driving outside of their capabilities. And I knew that. I put three teenagers, my kids, on the road, and and I was aware that this is a true statistic. And I tried to do everything I could to teach them and and give them the tools when I taught them to drive and, like, hey. You can get killed in this vehicle. Mhmm. Then became the mental preparation. There wasn't a whole lot of physical preparation I could do. Oftentimes, it's merely mental preparation. Like, god forbid this happen if a law enforcement officer shows up at my door when my kid is out. Like, I need to be mentally prepared for this because I need to take action. I need to be now it goes back to the leadership principles I live by. I need to lead my family. I have amazing spouse. I have two other kids if I was to lose one. And guess what? I need to take action and lead them through this crisis that is coming. Thank God it didn't happen. Yeah. But that is the overcome mindset of work. And and and when I got wounded, there was no I actually it's kind of a funny story. Several weeks prior to me being wounded, we had a night off. And we were all sitting around, playing poker because that's what we like to do in our night offs. And I, you know, I like to give my money away to the guys. The guys say that I was a bad poker player, but that's not true. You're just being generous. I'm a giver. I'm a giver. So, anyways, we're, we're playing, and somehow we came up on the conversation of if you were going to be shot, where would you wanna be shot? And, I'm not a big guy. So I remember saying and most of us all agreed. Lower leg, if you were to lose a lower extremity, prosthetics are so amazing now. Gosh. The conversation is You could continue to function. We're all like, yeah. And I definitely I I said it in this video. I was like, I sure don't wanna get shot in your arms. I got these little toothpick arms. I don't wanna be shot in the arm. Definitely lower leg, leg, fine with me. Oh my god. None of us said The face. I don't wanna be shot in the head. Right. You know? I mean, no one's gonna say that. Mhmm. But I also was aware this is a dangerous job. I had lost friends. I did not live in this false reality thinking I could never be shot or never be injured. So when I was wounded, I was aware. I was prepared. I had not gotten as deep into the level of injuries that I had, but still, I was mentally prepared. And everything that happened to me before, I tell people, your past life ambushes, your past bad days prepare you for the future. And that enabled me to take action because I said, hey, man. You've been through this before. Wow. Now let's go. It's time to put your money where your mouth is. You you have built this, framework of leadership and this this resilience and overcome mindset. Now is the time. Let's go. Wow. How do you when you've gone through trauma and and, obviously, yours is was severe. You but people listening to this have had trauma. They've lost a loved one, like we've said, relationship, setback. They've just even done something that was just embarrassing. Right? Or something in their childhood. How do you or maybe you didn't. How do you not how did you not find yourself living in fear? Like, I think had I been through what you had been through, I would have lived as a very fearful person. After the injuries? Yeah. So, Well, just in life in general. Like, not you you go through something and thinking, well, I'm due for another one. This is just what's gonna happen. Yeah. It's funny. Humans were like this. And and I don't I'm I guess I'm a pretty pragmatic person. Like, I built frameworks, and we did in the SEAL teams. We had standard operating procedures, and I've I've built those things into my own life and how I live my life and how I try and coach other people. And and so there were things that I noticed. I have a principle called living greatly. It is how do we become the elite and best version of ourselves despite the fears and doubts that we have in this life because we all have them. We used to so when I ran my nonprofit, we used to take wounded warriors, and we did all these different things. We ran different events. One of the events we ran was called jumping for a purpose. And we would take wounded warriors and families of the fallen, and we would throw them out of perfectly good airplanes. And people would be like, oh my god. Why would you do this? And and and oftentimes, I mean, these are individuals who have been wounded or they've lost a loved one in in in training or combat. Those are our gold star families. And there's a lot of fear when we've been through something. So many people live their lives like, hey. If I failed in business, I'm never doing that again. I'm never gonna start my own business again. That was too painful, emotionally, mentally, financially. Mhmm. You know, we we end a marriage. We're like, oh, I'm never doing that again because that was too painful. I don't wanna take that chance. Whatever it is, it's a natural human thing like you said to well, I'm not gonna put myself out there. Yep. But you're limiting yourself. Right. You're you're you're you're constraining yourself from being the best person and truly living your life to the highest level. And as a guy who faced death in the end, in those final moments when I thought I was bleeding out, I wasn't gonna come home, I I had regrets. I had, like, I wish I had done these things. I wish I had spent more time with my family. I wish I had gone and gotten my degree, you know, or whatever it was, you know, the things that I thought about. I wish I had done these different things. And it made me realize that so often we live our lives in fear and doubt. Mhmm. And I think God wants you to be, like, the highest best version of yourself. He wants you to overcome that fear. So so come back to us getting these individuals to jump. You have to face fear when you jump out of the back of an airplane. Yeah. I don't care who you are. Yeah. If you no longer have fear, you probably shouldn't be jumping anymore because fear makes you make sure you check your gear. You do everything possible. And we would send these individuals out, and, oh my god, the joy and elation they would have. And I think it reminded them that they're still alive. Every jumping for a purpose event we did, it never failed. We would always have at least one person that would get up, and they'd look out the back of that plane before they connect to the tandem master, and they'd go, uh-uh. That'd be great. I can't do it. Yep. And I'd be like, are you sure you don't wanna jump? And they'd say, no. I can't do it. And I'd say, no big deal. Just sit back down, like, ride it back to the ground. You know, I wouldn't try and push them in on the plane or anything like that. And we jump out, and I never gave much thought to this. Mhmm. We stopped running that event maybe in 2017, I think. Mhmm. In seven years around Virginia Beach, I have run into four individuals who did not jump, who who stood in that door and were afraid to jump. Every single person came up to me and said, I wish I had jumped. Yeah. That's life. So often, we stand on the ramp of life, and we have these hopes and goals and dreams, and we're afraid. We're afraid of failing again. We're afraid of what is somebody gonna say. We're afraid of what if this business doesn't go well, or what if people make fun of me, or whatever it is. Jump. Yeah. Jump. Because I tell you what, it is that action. It's that step off the end of the ramp that enables greatness. And even if you fail, so what? Yeah. Because I'll tell you, you'll get to the end of your life like I did when you face those moments, and you'll be like, you know what? I went after every hope and goal and dream. And even if I didn't make it, at least I know so you don't get to the end and you're like like I was where I was like, what if? What if I had done this? What if I had spent more time with my kids and family? So God gave me a second chance. You have to live greatly. God wants you to be the best version of yourself. Don't get to the end of your life and be like, what if I was too afraid to go after him? Jump. Dude, that was outstanding. Living greatly, baby. That was one of my favorite things we've said on the show in a long time actually right there. Okay. That was so good. Can can I add one last thing? Please. Because there's one additional part of this that I see a lot. Yep. An additional part of of living in fear or doubt or pain. We lose people in this life. It is an unfortunate part of this life. All of us are going to die someday, and we're going to lose mom and dad and friends. The greatest husbands and wives, greatest life ambush I see is the loss of a child. And there is this tendency. I've witnessed this so often in the military community. I've buried over 50 friends since 09/11, including my best friend who took his life. And I meet so many individuals who have lost someone like this, and they're afraid to live. Not only they're afraid to live, they feel guilty to live. So they live their life in this sadness. And I'm like, I feel like God gave me a second. I can't explain why God allowed me to come home Mhmm. And so many of my friends who are far better SEALs than I was. But I feel like it's my duty to be, like, the best version of myself, to not be afraid to go after it because I hope that and I would say this to anyone that's out there. That is how you honor your parents who are no longer here. If you lose a friend or a child or a husband or a wife, honor them by being the best version of yourself so that when they look down, they're like, oh my gosh. I'm so proud of them despite this pain and loss. Look at who they are. And I think that's how we honor the people that that are lost while we're on this earth. It's amazing you're saying that. It's part of a talk that I give at the event that you and I are recording at right now. I'm about to say that sentence on stage. By the way, I didn't come to it through as traumatic of an event as you did, nor am I the caliber of man you are for what you you've gone through in your life. But I I do completely share that sentiment because I'm about to say it in about forty minutes on stage. So I totally agree with that. We got to put a sign on the door. Yeah. This is a story that I know, and it's resonated with me. But I just wanna, like, throw that at you and get you give it to him and just go because this is you guys will you'll remember a lot of things from podcast, but I think there are certain stories that people go, boom. I think sign on the door is probably gonna be one of an Alzheimer's. So You know, the first week or ten days in the hospital, I won't lie, it was it was tough. I mean, here I am. I'm I'm I am blown apart. I took two rounds in the left elbow. So eight bullets total, crossed the body armor, two rounds in the left elbow, rounds off, helmet gun, left night vision tube shot off, right side plate, and then I caught that round in the face that blew out the right side of my face. I was wired shot. I was trached. My vision was messed up. I was they're feeding me through a stomach tube, and I had no use of my left hand, nerve damage. And the doctor's initial plan was to amputate my arm above the elbow. And, so I'm facing all of this. They're really struggling. And I think when people go through really traumatic events, I I I tell people it's it's common. I don't know as humans why we do this, but we'll place them in the victim box. Like, oh, this is so terrible. Ed, it's terrible that you lost your company, or it's terrible that, you know, you got in a divorce or whatever it is. And and we feel sorry for people and and wrongly, in my opinion, almost give them an excuse to feel sorry for themselves and justify, not getting off that x and driving forward. And that's what happened to me. I had some individuals that came in the room, and they were overwhelmed by being in the military hospital. And it's a hard place to be during the time of war. Mhmm. And I know I I know I was very overwhelming to look at in the beginning. A nurse came in and they stepped off to the side of the room and they started talking to, oh, what it what it what a shame. What a what this is so sad. All these wounded warriors that are blown apart, like, what a waste. You could hear this. Yes. I could hear it. And they were talking off to themselves, but I could hear it while this nurse worked on me. And they said, what a waste. Like, we we we sent all these young men and women to war, and they're never gonna be the same. It was like this broken veteran narrative that they had. And they left. And I remember laying in that bed, like, thinking to myself, like, is that me? Is that who I'm gonna be? And I was like, no. That is not me. I will not be that. As a matter of fact, I said from this moment forward, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. And when my wife came back in, I told her, I said, no one's allowed to come in this room feeling sorry for me again. You said that? Yeah. I wrote it to her. I because I couldn't talk. All I could do is write. And I wrote out that sign, and it wasn't, literally, there that that period of time was maybe fifteen minutes. There wasn't a whole lot of thought. It literally was a stream of consciousness. And it said attention to all who enter here. If you're coming in this room with sadness or sorrow, don't bother. The wounds I received, I got in a job that I love, doing it for people that I love, defending the freedom of a country that I deeply love. I will make a full recovery. What is full? That's the absolute utmost physically I have the ability to recover, and I'm a push that about 20% further through sheer mental tenacity. This room you're about to enter is a room of fun, optimism, and intense rapid regrowth. If you are not prepared for that, go elsewhere. And, we jokingly signed it, the management, and, and I told my wife to put it on the door. And as amazing supportive wife, her initial response was, are you serious? Of course. And I was like, yes. Put this on the door. Make sure everybody reads it. Can we go to something you said there? Yeah. I wanna ask you, and then we'll talk about the relationship piece for the book too, but with you and Erica. But so, hey, guys. When you're in that level of mindset for your business, it's wild how much the basic stuff matters, like how you talk to customers, how you communicate, how your team interacts, how you follow-up with leads. Look. We're in an AI era, and if you don't have a system that's helping you communicate to compete with the competition, you're gonna be in a tough spot. A cleaner, more modern setup can make everything smoother in your company, which is why today's episode is sponsored by Quo, spelled q u o, the modern alternative to run your business communications. Quo's a number one rated phone system on g two. It isn't just a phone system. It's a smart system. Quo's AI automatically logs your calls, generates summaries, highlights next steps so nothing gets lost. It can even qualify your leads. It can respond after hours, ensure your business is open and responsive even when you're not, even when you're offline. Make this the year when no opportunity and no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try Quo for free, plus get 20 off your first six months when you go to quo.com/mylett. That's quo.com/mylett. Quo, no missed calls, no missed customers. You said something there I've not ever heard before, but I think it's worth, like, just unpacking this a little bit, which is that a full recovery, but then you defined what that meant, which is I'll say it the way I heard it, then you correct me. To the maximum of whatever that capacity is, my maximum, and then push it 20% past that. And I think maybe that's important that I think some people think, I need to get back to who I was before. Why Why don't you talk about that for a second? Yeah. In my book, overcome, I write about this, and I think it's normal, all of us. I I did it too. Even though I wrote it on the sign, I wanted to get back to the Jason Redmond who I physically was prior to my injuries. But the reality is when you've been through trauma, physical, mental, emotional, the parts that are part of the human spirit, you will never be back to the same as you were because you have been forever altered. Period. Mhmm. But what you can be is the new 100%. And that I realized that as I started to work out, originally, I thought I could get back operational. Mhmm. I I sought out doctors to put me back together so that I could continue to be an operational seal, and and the damage to my arm was too great. Even today, I can't bend any further than this. I'm I'm limited to this, and I can't extend any further than this, and I still have nerve damage. I have to use straps when I'm dead lifting because I can't hold more than about 55 pounds for a very short period of time. And I wanted that back. Like all of us in life, I want back where I was, you know, physically, mentally, emotionally. Right. It's never gonna happen. Emotional trauma in our mind, I had to deal with that also. I I carried a lot of demons, and it took me years to come to grips with that. And I think people think that they'll just overcome, and the trauma will just go away and they heal it. It's really not true. You learn to live with it. You learn to tame it. You learn it's still in your mind. You just learn the tools to deal with it, and and so you own it and it doesn't own you. Mhmm. But in many ways, you come back better in certain areas. Like, I imagine your ability even to I mean, I'm picking up little things when I'm watching you. Obviously, this dude was a complete stud, a seal for twenty one years. There's this version of you. But now there's this version of me in front of you who's like this exemplary communicator. I would bet that that part of you that even the day before you were wounded, you couldn't communicate like you do now. In other words, you came back different than you, but sometimes that sounds like, well, I'm limited. You're actually, in many ways, your faith, everything about you has exponentially changed since that time. So you can come back better just in different versions of you and in different facets of yourself that didn't exist before. Do you agree with that? A thousand percent. The end moments become new beginnings. So good. And so often, if we're willing to embrace that new beginning for a lot of people, including me, yes. What I've been through is hard, but God gave me an every time it's been an opportunity to level up in my life. And I think for many people you will meet that go through some horrendous thing. Mhmm. Some traumatic life ambushes, I call them. The ones that embrace it and embrace the new beginning frequently be they become a better version of who they were. And so often, peep people always like to ask me, you know, oh, if you could go back and and that day would never happen, would you? And I think the answer is no. As hard as it was, God gave me a new path, a new beginning that I'm impacting millions of people now. Yeah. I there are amazing young seal officers who are killing it. They're incredible. They are the future of our nation, and they're probably doing it much better than I ever would have. But instead, God gave me this new path Yeah. And this new beginning. And I tell people like, hey. Be thankful and and navigate through that hardship because it will make you better. You don't know what that new beginning is gonna be until you start to walk that path. You're a remarkable guy, bro. Well, blessed. I've lifted. Everything that I speak on isn't Well, that's what's special about you. There's nothing theoretical about you. Yeah. You've lived it. And so this isn't some philosophy you came up with when you went to a seminar. You've lived it. And I think there's some authenticity there that you can't replace with just, you know, scholastic understanding. You've lived it. There's something else that stood out, and then we're gonna talk about the relationship stuff at the end. But there's a term I believe I'll get right. And, you know, like, sometimes I'll be reading something and go, gosh. I wish that was mine because it's so good. And and I want you to elaborate on this concept. I I also like to pull things out for the podcast where people go, I remember this phrase, and then this man talked about it, which is suffering productively. Never heard that before. Yeah. I think it comes back to SEAL training, and it it is it is part of the overcome mindset that I try to talk to people about. You cannot build an overcome mindset or overcome muscles, as I like to say, or grit or resilience by doing easy things and by constantly embracing, comfort. It's a problem we're having in America. I mean, if you look at the foundations of our country, if you go back to the beginning, we were really a country that was built on sacrifice and grit. I mean, people spread out all across the country and, you know, they had to down forest to build houses, and it was very hard grueling work. And you get into the industrial revolution, and often that times, it was very hard, backbreaking work. Yeah. And and I think that built just natural grit and resiliency in our people. Well, now we're into the information age where people aren't having to do hard things. We can we can live our entire lives without doing that. And if you don't play sports, if you don't do something that forces you to do these hard things, when you are finally hit with something traumatic and very hard, there isn't some magic switch that you turn on and do it. You have to have done hard things before. So suffering productively means the greatest desire in in a human being is to reduce pain and suffering that they're going through, and discomfort. It's why SEAL training has an 80% attrition rate. It's because they do everything they can to make us as as uncomfortable and cold and miserable. And what enables guys to make it through training is the ability to suffer through that, but still be able to function, to still be able to motivate and do the things that need to be done despite that pain, despite that cold, despite that suffering. What that builds is this overcome mindset. It's the core of the SEAL teams. You don't have to be a SEAL to do that. There are many things in life you can do. Get you know, working out is probably one of the biggest things that you can do that pushes you to have to get out of your comfort zone. Do things that you're afraid of. Do things that you don't like. If you're afraid of heights, go climb. Go jump out of a plane. If you're afraid of speaking, join Toastmasters and start speaking in front of people because that that fear and that discomfort makes you stronger and better. Let me ask you about time frames on this stuff. I wanna be granular for a minute. I was gonna quit business that ended up making me a pretty wealthy guy at one time, and I had every reason to quit it. I sucked at it. I was suffering. I was broke. I was making tons of mistakes. And I went to my dad who had, you know you know the story, but in case someone eyes my dad ended up getting sober. And my dad his my dad, when he got sober, said, dad, are you never gonna drink again? He said, I can't tell you that, Eddie. What I'll tell you is I'm not gonna drink for one more day at a time. And my dad stacked up those one more days the rest of his life for thirty five years. One day at a time, my dad didn't drink. So I was gonna quit the business, and my dad says to me, why don't you just do this? By the way, maybe you should. I don't know. Just don't quit for one more day. Just don't quit for one more day. See, how you feel tomorrow? And I would get up the next day and still wanted to quit, but not quite as much. And those one days stacked, and all of a sudden, at some point, I didn't want to anymore, at least not as much. I've asked other SEALs. I said, Rob O'Neil is a friend, and he said, bro, like, I'm paraphrasing, but he goes, I shrunk my time frames down. Meaning, I was just trying to get to, like, to the next meal, the next hour, the next thing. Is part of when you're really going through suffering, do you think one of the strategies is you can have a big vision for your life, but maybe just shrinking the time frame. Get through the hour. Get through the day. Is that is that part of what you did to put yourself back together both emotionally and physically? Absolutely. No. It is a key strategy they teach you in SEAL training. I've applied it to my life going through surgeries. It would be get through the surgery recovery, and now we get to the next one. Now it starts over. I got really sick in 2020, and it was I just I need to keep driving forward and push. You know? Let's go for the next couple of weeks. Let's get to I I couldn't even speak. Now thank god in thank God COVID happened. Mhmm. And it actually gave me time to recover, but I had to figure out what was wrong with me, the doctors that took a while to do that. When I messed up as a young leader yeah. You talk about taking it evolution by evolution. Many of the guys when I was assigned to a new troop did not want me there. And I heard that on a regular basis. Like, yeah. My nickname was Rambo Red, which was not a compliment. And I had to take every evolution at a time and and hear the naysayers say Yeah. It's only a matter of time before he screws up again. Mhmm. And I just focused on, okay, just try and crush this evolution. And it doesn't mean that you're you're not gonna waver and you're not gonna stumble. I a lot of people, if they've never read my book, don't know. I quit in ranger school. True story. I quit in ranger school. I got into, one, I hadn't quite hit rock bottom navigating through the journey of becoming a better leader, and I failed the land nav course. And I still had a chip on my shoulder. I still had that victim mindset, and I got into the ranger instructors were giving me grief about failing, and I let them I told them exactly what I thought and where they could take that course. And they said, are you quitting? And I said, yes. We feed ourselves lies when we're struggling. I'm sure in those moments in business, you were like, I suck at this. Mhmm. I'm never gonna be good at this. Mhmm. I tell people it's never too late. If you're still alive, that means it's not too late. Oh, good. And and I I fell victim to this when I was in ranger school. I was like, it's too late. The guys will never follow me again. Mhmm. And thankfully, I had the ranger colonel, KK Chin, huge shout out to you. He retired a two star general. I'm still friends with him to this day. He happened to be friends with one of our most senior respected seals, and he said, I got a young guy in here. He's really struggling. He's like, I think we need to talk to him. They got on the phone and and and this very respected CL leader, I said to him, it's too late. I'm never gonna be able to recover. The guys will never follow me again. And he said, red, people will follow if you give them a reason to. That's all leadership is. He said, I don't care how bad you messed up. He said, go crush this course and then come back and give the guys a reason to follow you. And and and that's what I did. He motivated me. He gave me a second chance. Wow. So I tell people that it's so easy to listen to the lies. It's too late. Mhmm. I'm no good. I can never do this. My family is better off without this one of the lies that takes you down the deepest, darkest hills. And I'm like, that's not true, man. Just as you said, you take it one day at a time. Yeah. Keep pushing. And that's what I had to do to rebuild my credibility, and it's what I had to do to rebuild my body, both times, you know, once wounded, once sick. It's what I had to do when I had to rebuild our business, when I got sued and accused of something I didn't do. I just had to keep driving forward, ignore the naysayers, focus on that tight group of people you have around you, and and and God, Bob. And it will be amazing what you owe. Oh, you're so good. I wanna finish with something. So I was thinking, get this guy as a seal. He's obviously one of the baddest men in the world. He's been shot, you know, was twenty one years. I'm like, is that the guy I wanna take marriage advice from? You know? And then I read the book, And I was like, actually, it might be perfect because you are bringing bags into a relationship theoretically. Right? Like, we all bring our bags into the relationship. And what you've gone through, several traumatic events, you're bringing some real bags with you with you and Erica. By the way, the name of the book, by the way, is Mission Invincible Marriage. Let's just talk about this just for a second. What was harder to heal? Like, your relationship, like, with Erica, with the trauma that you'd been through, and I assume, you know, there's one way that you speak to fellow SEALs, and that's probably not the same way that we would interact with our spouse all the time. Like, what made you write this book? And, like, how did you end up rebuilding an even stronger relationship with Erica that it sounds to me from reading wasn't always perfect all the time? It wasn't always perfect, but we had a good marriage. We had a strong marriage. It got tested to the highest level with my injuries. And I think, you know, there were a lot of things that led us to write this book. I told one of the things when I wrote the Trident, my first book, I wanted to share the story of what our spouses went through because of what Erica had gone through. I mean, our military spouse is such a huge shout out, and I'll even take that further to our law enforcement and fire spouses to to have to marry someone who is a natural protector. We are mission driven. We have this tendency. We're the individuals who wanna write to where we wanna run to where everything's burning down, where everybody else runs away. And to be married to someone like that is difficult because we want to help people sometimes even even at a sacrifice to our own families. And and finding someone strong enough to understand that is is really difficult. In America, we're at over a fifty percent divorce rate now. And you said SEALs are 90? Is that what you said? We're the winners. We're the winners. In the military, it's sixty to seventy percent. That's pretty common with law enforcement and fire. Special operation gets up to about eighty percent across soft. SEALs were at about ninety percent. My goodness. It's just a a really hard job, and I I don't know if we always do such a we also are not. Our our courting period is very short frequently because we met at we meet women in bars no different than I did with Erica. And and sometimes we're just constantly on the go, so you're not able to build a strong foundation. And now you're continuing a job that's dangerous and hard. You're gone all the time. Erica and I were able to build a strong foundation. Once again, I'm about frameworks. I'm about, like, what are the systems I can put in place to make this work? And, there were things Eric and I did. One, building the strong foundation. There were also several other things that occurred. Eric and I both came out of bad relationships when we met. We also both came from broken homes. Both our parents were divorced and a little bit of divisiveness between our parents that we witnessed all the time. We both came out of these bad relationships. So when we met and we decided we were gonna get married, we were like, this is it forever. Death. That's the only way out of this. Mhmm. So that was kind of the initial thing. And it was also understanding where we wanted to go both in my marriage and How do you do that? Do you guys talk about it? Oh, a 100%. You have to. Communicate throughout the book, you will see communication is number one thing. You must be constantly communicating because you will change. Years will go by, and you will change. The Ed Mylett today is different from the Ed Mylett ten years ago who's different from the Ed Mylett twenty years ago. Yes. No different for me and my wife. Would you also say I just wanna jump in. Would you also say because people that listen to this type of work, my show, are typically growing people, meaning they're embracing growth. And I think when you're in in a relationship with someone who is a grower, not everybody is. Everyone changes. But as a real grower, you gotta even be more vigilant about this stuff because this person is changing year to year, month to month, decade to decade. You gotta really have it together in relationships when you're with a grower because their life and personality is gonna adjust and change over time. That's right. Yeah. So that's why the communication is critical. No different in business. I mean, we must be communicating our team where, hey, our strategy and vision and where we're gonna go. We broke the book into three parts. It was built on a foundation of mission and values. Yeah. Most critical thing. Your mission for Erica and I, it was, we we wanted kids. We wanted a level of success. For me, in, '20 in that period, I had been in for eight years. So I told her, I'm doing twenty years no matter what. Like, you're you have to be on board with this because this is my mission and part of my values. Her mission was, she wanted a level she was always a natural entrepreneur, so there were some entrepreneurial goals she had. And it was also to be a mom and have kids and do these things. It gets down into vacations and and how we spend money and how we save. All these things are part of your mission. The second component becomes training. No different in the SEAL teams. We're constantly training to do different missions, and the and the training changes over time based on what's happening in the world around us and what we see. You need to be doing the same in your marriage. How are you training? Well, it's you're going out, and you're talking, and you're doing things, and you're going through the finances together, and you're understanding what's happening in your spouse's life and what's happening in your life, and you're you're communicating through these things and navigating through them. That's training. Wow. And then the last one is under fire. How do you deal with crisis and adversity, and how do you fight? Eric and I have rules of engagement no different than in a no different than a military unit. Eric and I from a very early phase said, hey. There's no ultimatums. There's no name calling. You can't bring up the past. And, Well, you don't do it. So that's good. I think that was it. Yeah. So those are our rules of engagement. That being said, by having those things, when you listen better So coming full circle to you asking me about how did you guys heal yourself emotionally. I I kinda went off a cliff like many wounded warriors about three years after I was wounded, maybe four years, and started pushing everybody away. I wanted to fix it myself, but I was breaking. I was the the the mental demons, that dragon in my head was eating me. And and like many protectors and type a's, I didn't wanna admit. I was the sign on the door guy. I'm the overcome guy. Like, I I I don't have these problems, but I was. And I started nursing it with alcohol Mhmm. And and really spiraling down. And one day, Eric and I were driving to an event, and she shocked me because we had our rules. We had our training. We had our framework. And she said to me, you know, this the way we're going, this could be the beginning of the end. A warning of an ultimatum. And it was so shocking to me because we had we had agreed we never bring this up. It was like a punch in the face. And I said, what are you talking about? And she said, if you do not get help, we are not communicating. We are not following the rules and the framework we laid out in our marriage. If you cannot do this, we are moving down a path to the beginning of the end. Wow. And, it was a shock to me. Mhmm. And it was enough for me to recognize. It jolted me out of the the depression and being on that x to say, I gotta go get help once again in life. So often, you don't you don't have to do it alone, man. Yeah. And I did same thing I did when I was sitting in that chair. I went and found a chaplain. I went to our command where we had chaplains, the Sykes, and that started me on this path of all these different modalities that we can do to heal trauma. You, impressed me with your vulnerability. I think it's one of the signs of a strong man is that he's, willing to reveal his imperfections. Oh. You know? And I got lots. Well, so do I. Right? And and I appreciate someone who's willing to share that. Wanna finish with one question with you, brother. I've enjoyed today. Yeah. Like, this is like a conversation. You know, I prefer we had a cigar and a little, you know I would agree. Little tasty beverage. Little little beverage. Yeah. But, but that's what I feel like this conversation's been, and everyone's got We'll take a rain check for another time. I would I would really love that. Yeah. Me too. I don't wanna get any of those that ask you because you've mentioned chaplains a couple times, and you and I are actually sitting right now backstage. We're recording this at a a faith based event Yeah. That we're both gonna be speaking out here, me in about eight minutes. And, I just wanna know how all of this journey of your life has affected or made an impact on your faith. One of the things that I see on you is, like, God's given you a lot of grace in your life. Yeah. You don't only have other people, but you're blessed. You've got a beautiful family. You know? You've you've got a career that's flourishing. You've got success. You're jacked. You seem to really have a self awareness about you that very few people reach in their life. So when I see that on a man, also a man that's strong but has a gentleness to him, I usually think that's the holy spirit. There's there's something on this dude that that I want more of and that I really admire and appreciate. So anything you wanted to add on your faith is kind of a final question. Yeah. I'm a walking miracle. That night on the battlefield, I was bleeding out and dying. There's no doubt in my mind. And I called out to God, and I suddenly had energy. And I went from not being able to move a muscle to getting up and walking 75 yards and getting on that helicopter under my own power. The doctor said it's miracle. They said you lost almost half of your blood supply. Like, you should not have survived. God enabled that. And I'd love to tell you that I'm, like, the strongest Christian, and I'm so convicted, and I never have doubts, and that's not true. Mhmm. I'm very analytical. Faith is a hard thing. Mhmm. It it there are times where I'm like, god, where are you? Like, when my best friend died and took his life, I was like, why? And I'm gonna talk about that today. Mhmm. And that's okay. Mhmm. I sometimes feel bad, like, maybe I'm a terrible Christian because I doubt you. You gave me this gift, this miracle. Mhmm. And I and I doubt you sometimes, but where I have solace is the fact that Jesus' own disciples who walked with him That's right. Were like you know, he was like Oprah, like, throwing out miracles. Like, you get a miracle. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You wanna walk? You can walk and Yep. Have some sight. Mhmm. And, like, you know, when he was, when he was captured and taken to the cross and then died, all those dudes doubt it. You know, he even told Peter, like, you're gonna die me you're gonna die deny me three times. And and he did. And and Thomas so I have there's a Roman, guard. There's a story. I think it's in Matthew where the guard comes up to Jesus and says, please help my my son or daughter. I can't remember which it is. And Jesus says, all you need to do is believe. And the guard says, please help me with my Yeah. Unbelief. Yeah. So I live this. And and I and I talk about it because I think sometimes in churches, they're afraid to talk about this. Like, oh, no. We're never gonna talk about it now. But I I'm okay with this. Like, I'm man, walk a miracle. I still have doubts. It doesn't make me a bad Christian. Mhmm. I just I pray the Lord I pray that prayer a lot. Lord, help me with my unbelief. Brother, I love that answer. We have a relationship with God and relationships go through their ebbs and flows. I was thinking earlier about what you said. By the way, thank you. What a great answer, by the way. But I have to tell you about what you said in your relationship with Erica that there's training. And training for me is reading my scriptures. And then there's rules of engagement, which is what those scriptures teach me. And so that is a relationship. There are ups and downs. I think when you have doubts and those questions get answered, your faith deepens. And if you don't have any ever, where are the opportunities to deepen your faith? So, my relationship with you is deepened today. I've really enjoyed this, brother. Yeah. Very much so. I want you guys to go get the book because we didn't get a chance to cover as much as and it's actually really good for you because you get this killer podcast, but that the book hasn't been covered, so they gotta go get it. So Mission Invincible Marriage, go get it. It's by Jason Redmond. Jason, this was a great combo, bro. Yeah. It did. This was outstanding. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so glad we finally did it. Glad we finally got the winner. I would love to Yeah. Take that rain check for that cigar. Oh, we're doing the scone. We're doing that for sure. Alright. Alright, you guys. God bless you. Max out your life.

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## The Greatest Threat to Your Dreams Isn’t Failure...It’s THIS! |  Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN_IZRq4tis
- **Published:** 1 month ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, now on with the show. Today's talk is not about me. I'm a talk very little about me. I'm a talk about you. I want you to max out your life. I want you to max out your business, and I wanna help you do that. See, when you were born let me ask you a question. The doctor slapped you on the ass, make sure you're okay, didn't he? Right? Then he sat you probably on your mama's chest to put you in the nursery. I doubt when he handed me mommy goes, hey, here's one of the average ones. Mediocre kid you got there. Congratulations. See, you were made to do something great with your life, weren't you? And you've always known it. There's always been this little voice in your head since you were a little boy or a little girl. You've always known there was something special about you. Those of us that have faith in the room, we know we were made as a masterpiece. We know the Lord looks like us, looks at us like we can do anything with our lives through him. Don't we? Is that right? You weren't born to be average. You weren't born to have a mediocre existence on this earth. You were born to do something great, and that's why you're in this room. It's by no mistake that you've always had those thoughts, that intuition, that aspiration, and you find yourself in this room at this time today. So this is the worst talk you ever heard. You heard from Ted Mylett. But if it's the best talk you ever heard, give Ed Mylett a little credit. Is that fair? Yes? And so do you feel the energy in here, by the way? Yes. Because see, the difference between maxing out 10 x in your life has a lot to do with energy. There's a winning energy. Right? People respond to what they feel more than what they hear. In fact, as I'm speaking right now, you already feel different the first three minutes of this, don't you? And the reason is you can feel that I mean what I'm saying. You can feel the transfer of energy. Let me ask you a question. What do you make people feel? And the more you become conscious of what you're making people feel, not what you say, not their opinion of you, but what they feel when they're around you, it's gonna make all the difference in the world of whether or not you're going to influence them to change their lives or participate with you in business, your company, etcetera. Do you hear me on that? Say yes. Because the day he slapped you on that ass, a race started. Listen to me. A race began. And it's a race that started that first day when you were born to the last day of your life, and that race is to finally reach the ultimate version of you. You're chasing down the person you were born to be, that you were destined to be. And since that day started, the world, the people around you are trying to get you to conform to average. They're trying to get you off that track to finally meet your twin someday, the best possible version of you. Every single day has to be a pursuit to get better, to improve, to grow, to stretch, because you are ultimately chasing the destiny version of you. Do you hear me on that? Say yes. Yes. So every decision you make in business, every call you have, whether you go to the gym or not, you need to put it through this paradigm, through this barometer. Does this decision, does this relationship I'm in, does this choice I'm making right now put me closer to becoming that man or woman or further away? Listen, you gotta get a little bit more intense about your life, about your business. You gotta stop being so dad gum casual. You gotta get in the game. If you're gonna play the game, let's play to win it. Let's play to max it out. Let's play to 10 x it. Right or wrong, right? I want you shaking. I want you feeling it. I want your intensity level to go up. Not in this room, but when you leave this room, you're focused on more energy, more intensity, more focus. Because these people you see speaking here, they're not smarter than you. We're not better than you. I don't like when we get over here. I'm rich. I'm You know what? Who cares if I'm rich? I care whether you're rich. I want you to live richly. And I can tell you, I don't like it sometimes when we come to events like this because you always see the after. If this was a weight loss ad, we're all ripped up here. The power of the weight loss ad is you see the fat lady, then she's the skinny lady. Right? You don't see the before, you're only seeing afters here. The before with me is an introverted, shy guy, insecure guy, low self esteem, afraid of public speaking. That's the before me, a broke me. And And I'm not gonna get into details of that, but I want that to give you hope because it's decisions we make to chase that best version of us every second, every day, that every day alters the direction of the course of our lives. We've all made decisions that we regret. That decision took me off course. That decision put me further away of being the best life I could have, the best version of me. When you were a little girl or a little boy, there was somebody who knew you were special. It was your grandma, your uncle, a coach, a teacher. There's been one person in your life, hasn't there? They're the one who knew you were special. There's always one. If you're blessed in life, you may have two or three of those people. Just picture their face for a second. Who was that person that when you were a little girl or a little boy, they just looked at you a little different? They just knew you were special. They knew you were great. They knew you could do something great with your life. See, I think the key to being great in business is being that person in other people's lives. I don't believe in faking it till you make it. And you can listen to all my podcasts and know how broke I went, but I'm a prove to you how crazy entrepreneurs because you know what entrepreneurism is. Right? It's the greatest self discovery process in the history of mankind. Isn't it? You learn more about yourself, what you don't know, your resiliency, how tough you are, what your weaknesses are by being an entrepreneur. It's probably the greatest self discovery program in the history of the world. It's also this. It's the greatest self improvement program with the highest compensation package possibly attached to it too. That's what entrepreneurs Entrepreneurs is a self improvement program with massive compensation package attached to it, and that's why too many of you are too focused on growing your company and not focused enough on growing you because your company will never ever exceed your identity or your vision for it. You gotta grow you, because what'll happen when it starts to grow, you'll start making unconscious mistakes to shrink it, making bad calls, getting weak, getting lazy, making mistakes. You're all nodding because you've all done it, because at some point your business got ahead of you. Far too many of you in your life are obsessed with what cab driver number two and bouncer number one think about what you're doing. Instead of the lead characters, you're obsessed with what other people think about you. The thing that's gonna kill your dream is your addiction to other people's approval, and cab driver number two, he ain't gonna approve of what you're doing. At the end of your damn life, he's not gonna show up in any of the important chapters, yet you give him all this power all the time. Stop giving people power who aren't in your book. Do your life for the leading character. You, your spouse, your children, your parents, your legacy. They're the lead characters in the story of you, of your life, and the more you focus on them. And I know that many of them are the very ones giving you a hard time. They're the very ones telling you, you can't make it. You should quit. You should give it. Let me tell you, somebody who experienced that, who's now written a pretty damn good book, they are thrilled with the book, and they knew you were gonna write it all the time someday. But you get focused on the lead character. Here's the good news. A leading character can decide to live a new script at any point she wants. She walked in here one character, and she says, you know what? I am the lead character. This is some stupid script my parents gave me, or a script my boss gave me, or a script someone else gave me, or my husband gave me. You know what? Screw that. I'm the new leading character. This woman's more beautiful, more confident, more influential, more resilient, more evangelical. This woman's just a little stronger. And you leave here in the break. You just feel different. You decide I'm a new character. I'm a new leading character in the book of my life, because the more you decide to take control of the narrative, of the script of your life, and you live your dream, the more likely at the end of your life you're gonna meet that dude. You're gonna meet that woman. See, at the end of my life, because I am a person of faith, the Lord's gonna go, Hey. Well, hopefully it goes, Well done, good and faithful servant. And I have this other little hallucination. He's gonna go, Hey, by the way, this guy over here, this is the man you could have been. This is the person you were born to be. All those choices you made, if you made them all, you got the right place, this is who you could have become. This would have been your dreams. This is where you would have gone, what you would have seen, who you would have helped, what you would have changed. This would have been your book. Meet him. My dream in my life is that when I meet that person, we're not total strangers. You don't wanna get to the end of your life, and that character is a total stranger to you. I don't care if you have faith or not, you know damn well there's gonna be a funeral for you someday, and at that funeral, there's gonna be a sense and a spirit of what you could have become, the woman, the man you could have become, and every day those decisions you're making to max out your life are chasing that person. See, you know what I want at the end of my life when I meet them? Watch how I pull this together. I wanna be identical twins. I wanna be identical twins. I want you to be identical twins. Ted and Ed are gonna meet each other someday, and I'm gonna say, Hey, man, Good to see you. I've been riding with you for quite a while. Been chasing you, man. He's gonna go, I've been watching you. You're exactly like me, man. We're identical twins. You maxed out your damn life. Congratulations. Maxed out, everybody. God bless you. I'm excited to be with you today because you get to spend the time with me. No guest this week. You know, more and more people have been requesting that I go back to doing a little bit more of my original content where I'm sharing messages from me with you. And so, you know, every once in a while, we're not gonna have a guest on, and I'm gonna share some thoughts and strategies and ideas with you that I know can serve you. And so what I'm gonna talk about today is separation season. Some of you heard me talk about this before, but I'm gonna do it in a way that you've never heard about it. And right now is a time of year where you can really separate yourself. You can separate yourself from other people, your competition, but you can also separate yourself from where you are, from the standards you've set. You can separate yourself from your current position to a new position in your relationships, your money, your body, your business, depending on the area that matters most to you. And so we're gonna talk about that. You know, there are it's difficult when you're competing. If you're an entrepreneur or if you're an athlete, if somebody's ahead of you, it's difficult to catch them when they're at full speed. It just is. It's difficult. They're in front of you. They're running full speed, and you're chasing them down. It's difficult to catch at those times. But where you do catch people is during what I call separation seasons, and these are the seasons where some people begin to flinch. They get weak. They take time off. They relax. They get casual about their routine. Maybe they're not as sure about their standards as they once were. And when they do that, they flinch. Bam. You blow their doors off because you keep pushing and separate yourself during that time. You can separate from all kinds of different things. And, again, I wanna remind you, this isn't just about competing against other people. It's separating yourself from where you currently are, which is what all of you wanna do. It's called growing. Growing is separating yourself from your current condition to the next level, whether that's mentally, emotionally, financially, as I've said. And so but from an entrepreneur standpoint, from a business standpoint, from a family standpoint, nutrition, diet, we're entering the ultimate separation season, which is this window of time in the holidays. It kinda started around Thanksgiving, but it really begins to accelerate about the December when everybody starts taking time off. They start cooling it. They don't show up to work like they did if they're an entrepreneur. They're not really hustling. They start making all these excuses in their mind. Well, clients don't wanna meet with me during the holidays, so I'm gonna take a bunch of time off. Or everybody eats bad this time of year, so that's when I'm gonna eat bad. Or everyone spends money during the holidays that they don't have. I'm gonna do the same thing. And that's when they get weak. They flinch. And if you can get even more disciplined, more focused, you can begin to lap people that are in front of you. You know, here I am nearly 50 years old, and I could tell you I've worked hard all my career, all my life in different areas, but I really get excited during separation seasons. And I'm like, this is when they're at half speed. I'm at full speed. I can lap them. If I'm in front of people, I can lap them two or three or four times. And it's also where I've separated myself from the former me. You know, we're coming down to the end of the year. There's just so many days left when you're hearing this at the end of the year, and it's a chance right now to lean in at the finish line in so many areas. But what do most people do? If it was full speed sprint all year, this is when they start to jog and slow down. And, you know, I should eat that extra piece of cake. I should do this. I and they get off their game. And so today's gonna be about separating. Those of you that are listening to this, to take advantage of this, to get excited, to go, this is when I get them. This is when I get after it. Right? Because in life, I've said many times, in life, we really will never exceed what we believe we're worth. We just never will. And so if you can begin to do things you think other people aren't willing to do or maybe do things the former you weren't willing to do, you begin to believe that the new you deserves things other people won't get, and the you the new you deserves to get things the former you didn't get either. And so this is why this season is so critical, and I've stacked up maybe 30 straight separation seasons. There's other ones. There's summertime. Right? There's times like that, and we're gonna talk about some of that right now. And so but right now is the big one. You all know what I'm talking about. Right? Everyone gets kinda casual. Everyone slows down, and one day turns into three days, turns into four days. You know, Christmas is a holiday. It's not a hollow month. New Year's Eve is a holiday, not a hollow month or a hollow week. But people keep taking these hollow weeks and hollow months this time of year, and it's when you get them. It's when you get the former you. It's when this new version of you emerges, and so take advantage of this season. It's the greatest of all seasons. And I can tell you it's one of the reasons why if I do have some good things going on in my life is I separated during this time. I separated from the old me, and I separated from my competition. So let's talk a little bit about what some of those things are. Number one, right now, you know in business, people are gonna start slowing down. Here's the truth. Planning doesn't take that long. You can do planning in a pretty quick window of time. Right? You need to get after it. You need to execute. There's twelve months in a year. There's three hundred and sixty five days in most years. Right? But don't don't go start planning twenty one days before the year on a plan you could have done on New Year's Day anyway. You know what I'm talking about. Let's not make any excuses to do that. For you achievers, you wanna separate this time of year. But there's a subtle thing that most people don't realize about themselves. If you're not a real competitive achiever type, maybe you're more of a belonger, I want you to hear me very closely because there's a lot of people that fit both descriptions. You like being on the team. You like being a part of a squad. You like being part of a family environment. You're kind of that person who loves to be a part of something, but maybe not lead something. You have a really hard time doing the work this time of year because unconsciously, subconsciously, listen to me, you don't wanna separate. You don't want to pull away from the pack. You love these people that you're around. And so unconsciously and subconsciously, you start slowing down as to not pull away even though you know these things could pull you away from the pack because you don't wanna leave people. You like the people that you're around. You're kind of that person. So if you're that person, you go to evaluate that. Is there some element of you subconsciously or unconsciously who purposely doesn't do the things you know you should be doing to separate? Because you don't wanna separate from where you currently are, and you don't wanna separate from the group of people that you're around. And this is something that most people don't process. And so let's talk about some basic places you could separate. Number one, let's talk about your fitness. This is the time of year where people start missing gym days, don't they? Don't they? But you right now are gonna make a conscious decision. I don't miss my routine. In fact, I double up on my routine. I'm not gonna miss workouts. I'm not gonna miss my gym sessions. I'm not gonna make any excuses about parties or or, you know, stay at home orders. Now if you've got COVID or something like that, obviously, you're gonna be working out at your home or push ups or some nature like that, but you're not gonna use COVID as an excuse not to train or workout. If you can go to a gym, if you live where you can still go to a gym, you're not gonna use holidays or parties as a reason not to do that. You're gonna let other people miss those workouts, other people. The former you would have missed this workout. The former you would have made a COVID excuse. The separating you doesn't do that anymore, and that's gonna produce a better version of you. So that's one place you could separate. Nutrition this time of year. You're gonna have all kinds of temptation around you, aren't you, about eating foods you probably normally wouldn't eat. But what do we do? We go, well, it's Christmas. But what if you could not I'm not saying don't eat the dessert. But could you separate? What if you decided, I'm just gonna do it a little bit different than everybody else because I wanna convince me I'm doing things other people aren't willing to do. I'm gonna convince me I'm different from the former me and from the people potentially that I wanna pass up. You there's two types of people listen to this. One of these, like, I'd really like to change me and get better than the former me. And then there's the other ones you're like, I wanna do that, and I wanna smoke some people in life and business too. I'm competitive. Both are okay. But when it comes to eating, let's just say when those desserts present themselves, you know what I'm talking about. Right? What if you just ate half the dessert? Maybe you're not so crazy. You don't eat any desserts. You wanna enjoy your life. The holidays are eat half the piece of pie. It's the same flavor after the first three bites. That's what I found out. It's the same cake on the fifth bite it was on the third bite, so I'll eat three. It's the same taste. Right? If it's gonna be an unhealthy meal, it's gonna be, you know, turkey and stuffing and all that stuff around me if you do that or in some cold enchiladas or whatever it is you're doing, tamales around Christmas time, you know, the different foods that we eat in our cultures, the Italian folks with our lasagnas around the holidays, whatever your your your, you know, traditions are, could you it's not that you don't wanna eat it because you wanna enjoy your life. What if you just ate half of it? Right? What if you were in portion control? That's a way to separate yourself. So it's little things like that. It's when you're at the gym, it's the separation season of doing that one more rep that I talk about, the one more exercise. In fact, I have to share with you. I was at the gym today, and my gym has moved outdoors here in California. At least fortunate that the one I go to in Orange County, at least they move their equipment outdoors. Many gyms have just shut down. And, at the end of my workout, I was doing abs. I'd done today was a shoulder leg or shoulder ab day for me. And I'd done my shoulder workout and exactly what I'd prescribed. I did one more rep and one more, in all of my different sets because I believe in that mantra of one more. Doing one more separates me. Remember that one more. Right? And so but when I was doing my abs, I had picked three exercises I was gonna do, and I'm like, wait a minute. It's separation season. Everybody's just doing their normal ab workout. I'm gonna do one more exercise on my abs for a fourth ab exercise set, separation. Does that improve my abs? Maybe. But it improves the way I look at myself. And when I left that gym today, I did I did stuff the old me wouldn't do, and I did stuff most people working out there on women to do. I deserve at 49 years old to have the body of my dreams. So I'm convincing myself through what I'm separating that I deserve those things. I'm not in competition with other 49 year olds, but I'm in competition with the 48 year old me. I wanna be more fit. I wanna feel stronger. I wanna feel more powerful, more flexible, right, more energized than I did. And so these little separator steps, you stack them up, especially in the season when everyone else isn't doing it, and it magnifies. So it's important not only to do separation season because I'm challenging you to do that. It's important to give yourself credit and be intentional about it when you do it. You go, I did it. I did it, and you're stacking that in the bank of changing you. They're deposits you're making. But if you're not aware of deposit imagine you went to a bank. You made a thousand dollar deposit in the bank, but you didn't get the deposit slip to prove that it was in there. You didn't do anything to validate the deposit. Right? That could be concerning. Well, a lot of people do these separation things, but they don't get the deposit slip. They don't go, I did it. The deposit slip of life is acknowledging and giving yourself credit for doing the things that serve you that the old you wouldn't do or other people wouldn't do. So it's not enough just to do it. You have to be intentional about giving yourself a deposit slip, the credit that's required. That's what begins to change our identity. That's what begins to change our subconscious and unconscious mind and, eventually, even our conscious thoughts. How about having some separation moments this year with your family? How do you separate your family? How about some separation moments? What could you do this holiday season that's a moment that you've never had before? Think about how can I separate my family from every other holiday we've had? How can we separate from the average ordinary families? What could we do this year? You know, many of you have been DMing, saying, this is the first year ever. I'm gonna go down, and I'm gonna feed the homeless this year, and I wanna take my children there. What an amazing way to separate this holiday from all the other ones if you've never done that before. Maybe your separation is you're gonna go back to church. You haven't been to church in a long time. Maybe you can't physically go, so you're gonna do it online. Maybe it's this holiday season you're gonna decide, hey, guys. This is corny, but we're gonna take a walk. Or this may sound silly, but I know how we don't always eat together every night. But for the next week, we're gonna have dinner together every night at the dinner table. These things may seem very simple. But ask yourself right now. What could I do to have some sort of separation season during this holiday season for my family that makes it better and different in a very difficult time that may cost no money that I could do if I were innovative and creative that would make this the separation of all holiday seasons for my family. I want you to begin to think about how you could separate that separation moments. I think if you begin to process this stuff of I'm gonna separate in every area I can, I think you're gonna find something very special happening? Friday afternoons, the productivity level in all the studies for entrepreneurs and employees and even in school with students and teachers. Friday afternoons, beginning at 01:00 till 05:00 or is the most unproductive window of the week. Why? Because everybody's taking their plan to go cool it for the weekend. What if you decided, I'm gonna start pressing the pedal down Fridays between one and five. That's a separation window of time where before maybe you weren't after it, now you are. You've changed your identity. If you just do the same things, right, or you just think different thoughts but behave exactly the same way, the chances of you separating yourself from where you currently are at the time you're listening to this podcast or this YouTube video and watching it, and a year from now when we come back, if it's just thoughts see, you have to have a congruency between the way you move your body, your actions, and your thoughts. That validates them. That congruency changes you. But if you just think something and act the same way and don't separate from the former you, separate from the former thought, then eventually, the body overtakes the mind. The your body is your unconscious mind. It's your subconscious mind. The thought is conscious. The body is your subconscious mind. So if you can begin to move your body in congruency with your thoughts, maybe a new company, maybe a new family, maybe a new relationship, maybe a new body, maybe new finances, but the actions have to be in congruency with the thoughts, the body moving as you think. That's how we separate. And so I want you to begin to think about, well, Friday afternoons, I could separate. Another thing that happens, most entrepreneurs slow down on weekends. Saturdays are huge separation seasons for entrepreneurs. Most entrepreneurs cool it on Saturday. I'm not suggesting you have to work Saturdays. But if I were trying to find because life's a game of inches. In the big time, it's not yards that separate the great ones. It's not yards that take people who are functioning at a high level, and they go a little bit higher. It's inches. It's a game of inches. In fact, these inches are so small. It's almost too scary to talk about because it's that small of a thing when you start stacking up one more, but you separate. So what's another place, Ed, where I might separate? Saturdays, Saturdays, Friday afternoons. Right? These are places where you can separate. They slow down. They flinch. You blow their doors off. You know what I'm talking about? And as you're doing it, I'm doing stuff no one's willing to do. I'm gonna get things no one's gonna get. Or maybe the thought is I'm doing stuff I've never done before, so I'm gonna be a whole new me and get a life I've never had before. This is how you change how you view you. By the way, there's a whole bunch of other ones too. There's the summertime. There's evenings. A lot of people just assume once I'm home well, what if you could carve out a half hour in the evening and disappear and do some emails that the average person doesn't do? Or disappear in the evening. You've got your family time or but you kinda carve it out. Or you do a second workout like in 75 hard in the evening because no one does second workouts, but now you do. So there's these things where you can separate. It's abstaining from a particular behavior for a window of time that separates you. It's like, you know what? I'm not gonna eat this way, or I'm not gonna drink this thing or smoke this thing I smoke. I'm gonna put that down and separate from the former me. I'm changing my behaviors. If you're an athlete and you're that person who always stays the latest, right, stay fifteen minutes more. Stay another fifteen minutes. Separate from the former you. All of these inches add up. Here's another way you can separate yourself. Just me seeing small. You're at a social function. You sort of see the person who's left alone that nobody knows. It's very uncomfortable for me to walk up to a stranger, but what I built the habit of is separating from the former me is approaching somebody in a social circle I can tell is the one who doesn't know everybody there and going over and welcoming them and introducing myself and getting to know them and asking them what their story is. Maybe the way you separate yourself is here's a huge one that you could do starting now. You ready? Stand up for somebody when they're not there and another person is gossiping about them. You wanna separate and feel great about yourself? You know exactly what I'm talking about. We all get into these conversations where there's a little gossip about another person. What if you started to separate from the former you, separate from the average minority person and stand up for that person when they're not present to defend themselves and say, hey. I don't know if any of that's true, but that's not something I wanna be hearing about. Or you know what? I know so and so, and I don't believe that's true. I don't think they would do or say that. And I don't like that we're talking about this that makes it uncomfortable. We're both better than this. And so what if you started to do these little things could start to tell you, you know what? I'm different. I'm behaving differently. I'm a little bit better than I used to be. I'm separating from the former me. I'm separating from what average and ordinary people do. Average and ordinary people do all the things reverse of what I just said. They cool it on Friday afternoons. They eat the full piece of cake. They slow down on their workouts. They don't get creative around the holidays. They gossip about other people, don't they? They don't create new thoughts. They don't do the extra rep at the gym. They don't stay disciplined to their diets. Right? They don't put in a little extra effort in the evening. They don't do anything on Saturdays. So all of these things are opportunities. I think what you're gonna find, if you really begin to think about separating from the former you and becoming the better you, almost nobody goes up to that person who's alone at the party. You know what you're gonna find out? This thing we call winning or bliss or self worth, self confidence, identity isn't as difficult as we think it is. It's little inches. And when we're aware and we're intentional and we get creative and innovative about places we can separate ourselves I mean, it may sound really silly and stupid because I'm an introverted person, but one of the ways I separate myself, this may sound really silly, guys, I smile and say hello to strangers often because almost nobody does it. I would have never done it before. And just to give them the gift, I you're gonna think I'm crazy. I walk by people sometimes. If I can't make eye contact, I literally say a prayer. Peace be with them. You think, why would you do that? Well, one, I wanna pray for them. And two, it's a way for me to feel better about me. I'm doing something. Thousands of people walk by that person, didn't see them, didn't say hello, didn't smile. And even if I didn't do that, almost nobody say a quick prayer for a stranger. Right? Separation season next level. Make a few extra phone calls and text messages this year that almost no one's gonna make. Instead of texting that friend that you talk to all the time, you know, that's the normal behavior. Separate. Call them. Let them hear your voice. Maybe that person you have not texted or talked to in a long time, send them that text. Send it to multiple people. Let them know you care about them. You know how y'all get that text everyone sends, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, that everybody gets? Separate yourself and make them voice notes this year where you personally say it to somebody. Takes a little bit more time, might be an extra couple hours. Do it. You want another way to separate yourself? Do it before New Year's Eve and do it before Christmas Eve. I'm a give you a tip. Everyone gets all their messages on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. How about you leave your voice notes or your text message two or three days early? Hey. I wanted to be the first, or I wanted to get in there early before everybody's hearing about you. I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. When New Year's happens, how about doing it on December 29? Just say, hey. New Year's is coming. We're all gonna get flooded with messages. I've already made my plans. I know you have, and reach out early. That's a separator. It makes you different. It makes you unique, and it makes you begin to separate from the former you and you separate from your competition. If you wanna move apart from where you are currently, it's what you're going to do now, right now, and into next year that's gonna make the difference, not what you say and not just what you think. Now does what I've done millions of hours with you guys on what you think and impact how you act. I understand all that. But at the end of the day, there's too many people just thinking they can think their way into changing their life. You can't think your way into doing it. You must physically do it. You must physically separate. And I'm gonna give you the mother of all great news about separation season. You ready? Millions of people are hearing this show right now or watching it, and less than one percent will do any of the things I've said. Is that incredible? Less than 1%. So by virtue of doing anything I've said today, any of the things, not all of them, and some of you will do all of them, but any of them, any one of them, you have separated yourself from about 99% of the people. But more importantly, if you do just one of them, you've separated yourself from the former you into a growing better you. So I love separation season. When they get weak, when they flinch, when they relax, when they kick back, when they take a hollow month or a hollow week, we take our holiday. And even on our holiday, we find our little goofy crazy ways to separate ourselves. And you know what you could do really big time this holiday season? Separate yourself by having more fun. See, none of the things I said can steal from fun. Don't have to take from your fun. What if you decided this is gonna be the most blissful, most fun holiday of all time? And you know what? It doesn't matter what the conditions are. I've had some health issues too. I've had some family issues too. I've had my best friend and father pass away too. So I understand all that. K? I relate to a lot of the pain many of you are going through. I connect with that. I'm being vulnerable with you. And guess what? This is gonna be the most blissful separating season of my dadgum life because I'm gonna honor these difficult times by coming out of this a better man, an improved man. And I don't do that by hoping it or thinking it even though those things help. I wanna hope. I wanna think, but I gotta do. And they're simple little things. These inches are the separators. The sad thing in life is people think they have to make these massive dramatic changes in order to create the catalyst for long term change. Most massive chains are simple, fine tuning type carburetor adjustments that we make that end up overhauling the engine of our life long term if we're willing to get creative and innovative. So I want all of your thoughts, your vision, your paradigm, the matrix you start to see the world through starting right this moment. How can I separate? How can I separate? Separations separation from competition, separation from the former me. How can I separate my body, separate my mind, separate my family, separate my moments, separate my nutrition, separate my business, separate my money? Everyone's spending extra money, I ain't doing that this year. I'm separating. Everyone overeats, I ain't doing that this year. Everybody cools their workouts, I ain't doing that this year. Right? All of these things begin to be catalyst for change, and you stack up all these inches. And this time next year, there's a different woman standing there. There's a different man standing there. It won't be perfect. There'll be things you need to do then to separate from that person. But I want you to remember this lastly. We're not separating from where we are because there's something wrong with us. That's not the reason. You're exactly the way you're supposed to be because that's exactly who you are right now. All you can do is start from where you are one day at a time, one more at a time, and separate. And guess what? In a year, you'll be exactly the woman or man you're supposed to be at that time, and we'll be talking about separating from there as well. That's the journey of life. We're either growing or we're dying. Right? And I want you to grow, and we grow by separating. So today was brief, to the point, tactics, strategies. Share this with people. Get the message out to your teams if you're in business that it's time to separate as a team, as a company. Get it to your children, your family, the athletes you know. It's time to separate. Hey. Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. Today is a show that I call it a thick show. Meaning, you're gonna write a lot of notes. It's very granular, very tactical. You're gonna learn a bunch. The reason you're gonna learn a bunch is I have a very uniquely qualified man to visit with you. Rich DeVine, was a navy seal, but he was also and I can't say what group he was a part of, but let's just call it a very elite group of seals, without using the name. And Rich was in charge of selection process and also human performance. So you talk about an elite lead group like that and then, you know, understanding the attributes required to perform at that level and then the teachings. And so he's also got a book out right now, ironically, called the attributes that cover these very, very things that we're gonna get in-depth with today. So, Rich, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here. Thank you, Ed. It's a it's an honor to be here, so thanks for having me. So I gotta tell you, it's an honor for me, and I'm gonna learn today too with you. And I told you, you know, off camera, I can endorse your work because many of the things I've taught, you've just been able to apply them in in scenarios that I can't even imagine in your life. So first things first, I talk a lot about peak performance. You make a distinction in the book between optimal performance and peak performance. So any of you listening to this that are leaders of groups or just, you know, wanna perform at a high level consistently, I think this distinction is really powerful. So give us the difference. Yeah. Absolutely. And it really came to me, as I left the military and people were asking me a lot about peak performance. And, and what I realized was I wasn't comfortable with the term in defining what Navy SEALs or spec operators do. And the reason is because peak, is at least to me, peak is an apex, and it's an apex from which you can only come down. And it usually has to be planned for and prepared for and scheduled. So for example, the professional athlete or the the NFL player, you know, uses the entire week to prepare and plan to peak for three hours on Sunday. Right? And so it really didn't apply to what we were doing every day because when I thought about, for example, myself in some combat situations or or even SEAL training when you're freezing in the surf zone, there was nothing peak about my performance. Right? We were just kinda moving through. And so I really started thinking about it in terms of optimal performance. Optimal performance is really, what's the very best I can do in the moment, whatever that best looks like. Right? So sometimes that best looks like peak, and it looks like flow states, and everything's clicking. Right? Other times, that's like, hey. I am head down, and I'm just taking step by step, and that's all I got. Right? And it's dirty and it's gritty and it's muddy, and it and it sucks. And that's really, in in my opinion, what's it's not only spec ops. I try to take all the stuff I learned in spec ops and apply it to life, but that's really what life is. I mean, life, it's unrealistic and probably unhealthy to try to peak at all times during life. It's just not gonna happen. Right? So so optimal performance allows us to be comfortable with this modulation and be comfortable with the fact that sometimes if you're just head down, just taking step by step, just grinding it out, that's okay. You're you're you're actually performing the best you can. Right? And, and I would I would say COVID, you know, 2020 for all of us, I would I would imagine that most of us in 2020 didn't say that we were at we were we were performing at our peak for most of 2020. Right? We were just we were doing the best we could, and that's it's really just a more realistic, more practical way to think about performance, I think. That's real world stuff. You know, as I reflect on it, I think about the, you know, the most successful people I know or the people that perform at a high level. Really, the key is they do it more consistently than other people. They do it under pressure, which we're gonna talk about in a little while as well. Whether you're an athlete or or or, a dad, you know, it's under pressure. How do you perform? How do you respond to certain conditions? So, you were in charge of the selection process, and you make a distinction in the book. And by the way, when you're listening to this, everybody, it's these are these are attributes you wish to embody if you're gonna be happier and a higher performer. It's also attributes you want to find in people you want to surround yourself with as friends, as associations, colleagues, business partners, etcetera. You make a distinction, though, that's awesome between skills and attributes because this is something I think most people discount themselves. Well, I don't have these incredible natural talents or skills, so I'm discounted from performing at a high level. He makes the case, guys, in the book. Seals are regular guys. And and I have to say, I've got to know a few, and I don't know that I disagree with that necessarily. I think there are extraordinary things about a few of them, but I tend to agree with you as an outside observer. So what's what's the difference between skills and attributes? Yeah. It's a it's a distinction that I had to make when I was running the the assessment selection because we were our particular program, we were bringing in very experienced, seals, and we're putting them through our process. And we were still getting about a 50% attrition rate, which is natural and okay, but the problem was we weren't able to effectively articulate why. And we weren't able to say why to ourselves to to be comfortable with that. We weren't able to tell our senior leadership why but most importantly we weren't able to tell the candidates why they weren't making it. And these are guys who are coming in. They really they were kind of all stars and rock stars and and to be able to not not to be able to tell them something like, well, you couldn't shoot very well or you couldn't do this very well. It just didn't seem to fit right. So so I had to really break it down and to, you know, in a very general basic sense skills are not innate. They're not inherent to our nature. Right? None of us are born with the ability to ride a bike or throw a ball or or shoot a gun in the military sense. We can be taught them. We can sometimes sit down in a class and learn them. They direct our behavior in known situations. So here's how and when to ride a bike, throw a ball, shoot a gun. And because they're visible and because they're set up that way and and kind of steps that you can learn and teach, they're very easy to assess, measure, and test. And this is why most teams, especially business teams who are kinda putting together dream teams, make the mistake of focusing only on skills, the best salesperson, best graphic designer, best marketing, whatever it is. What the problem with skills is is that it doesn't skills don't tell us how we're going to operate when things go south and sideways and the environment turns completely uncertain. Right? Because you can't necessarily apply a known skill to an unknown environment. This is where attributes come in. Attributes are innate. Right? All of us are born with levels of adaptability, of situation awareness, of discipline, of resilience. Right? They don't direct behavior. They inform our behaviors. They tell us how we're gonna show up to a situation. So my level of adaptability and resilience, for example, informed the way I showed up when I was learning how to ride a bike and I was falling off a dozen times. Okay? Because they're hidden though and because of their background, they're very difficult to assess, measure, and test. And the most, visible and visceral environments that you can see these things are in environments of challenge, uncertainty, and stress, which is why the laboratory I had, which was SEAL training, and whether it's basic, whether it's BUDS or the SEAL training I was running, it's all about throwing guys into challenge, uncertainty, and stress. It was just showing these qualities. And I I always joke, you know, the when I take it back to BUDS, you know, which is basic underwater demolition seal training, the the the basic course for a guy to become a Navy SEAL, you spend hundreds of hours running with boats on your heads. You spend hundreds of hours PTing with 300 pound telephone poles and freezing in the surf zone. And you know, over a twenty year career I've been on hundreds of combat missions and I've done thousands of training evolutions and never on any one of them did I carry a boat on my head or a telephone pole on my shoulder. Right? So so what they were doing to us in BUDS wasn't training us to be a navy seal. Right? It wasn't teaching us the skills to be a navy seal. What it was doing was just teasing out these attributes. It was seeing if we if we could do the job. Right? And so this is where we have to start thinking about making distinctions when we're putting together teams, and even in our own performance. Our performance, especially in challenge, uncertainty, and stress is driven by these attributes, and that's really important to know. Well, I think I think also when I hear that, I think of so many things. I I think of even with our own children. You know? And we're always evaluating their skill set, but if they're really gonna be flourishing their life, why not help them identify what their giftedness or attributes are from what you call it? Then I'm thinking of all the people I've recruited into different businesses I've had, and I think, you know, you get these people with these perfect skills, perfect background. You're like, they're gonna just crush this. They're such a great speaker. They're gonna be great in sales, except you don't know how they're gonna respond under pressure That's right. From failure. And it's these attributes. And I have seen people with frankly far lower skill levels with exemplary attributes long term have best optimal performance. I I always use Tom Brady because people make him a whack job, but, like, I think of Brady. Not tremendous skill set, but some of these attributes that you write in the book, I was actually thinking of him from an athlete standpoint. Yeah. Just give us a little bit of a gift. There's 25 of them in the book, guys. When you were selecting, and I'm sure all 25 were important, were there two or three that really were requisite or stood out that were you know, you really look for in people? Because I don't wanna give away the entire book. Yeah. But what are what are a few of them, if you that you could share with us that are attributes that are just they're almost mandatory for optimal performance? Well, so so first so I'll answer that question because I know people are curious. But the first thing I wanna caveat is that the the the list of attributes to be a Navy seal is going going to be different than the list of attributes required to be, an athlete or a salesperson or a teacher or whatever. Right? So that that that that list changes. So so it's incumbent on you as a team leader or a leader if you wanna understand what attributes you need for your team to figure out what that list looks like. Sure. And this is how we also position ourselves properly in in the environment. Right? Sometimes some people have a better makeup for being a nurse than they have for being an AD seal. Right? And that's because the attributes they come to the table with. If we were to talk about BUDS, you know, SEAL training, I would say the most important attributes are the grit attributes. So you're talking about courage, perseverance, adaptability, and resilience, and then probably the drive attributes, which, you know, there are five. There's self efficacy. There's discipline. There's open mindedness. There's cunning. There's narcissism, which we can get into that later if we want. Narcissism is an attribute. Narcissism is an attribute. Yes. Okay. No. You're not doing that later. I gotta know this. I gotta that's fascinating to me. Yeah. Honey, get narcissism. Just give me a little flavor, then you go right back into that. Absolutely. Yeah. So and it's it's the most asked about one anyway, which is good. It was probably one of the most fun to write. Let well, let's start with narcissism. Narcissism is obviously a pejorative word, and narcissistic personality disorder is a bad thing. Right? The DSM five, which is a psychology bible, will state nine criteria which will define it. I think if you have five or more, then you're you you have narcissistic personality disorder. However, when you read those nine, what what happens is when I read, I was like, wait a second. Okay. I I I don't have that, but sometimes I kind of have a little of that. Right? Mhmm. And it really kind of made me think about why I became a Navy Seal in the first place. And and think about when my friends would talk about why they became Navy Seal. Certainly, we were patriots. Certainly, we loved our country. But we really we just kinda wanted to be badasses, and we wanted to see if we could do something very few people could do. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's a little bit of narcissism talking. Okay. This is biological. Right? When we are when we're paid attention to, by our parents as infants, we are getting hits of dopamine, which is a very powerful field good chemical, serotonin, which is kind of a bonding trust, protecting you chemical, and then oxytocin, which is another bonding chemical. So that that combination is powerful when we're getting paid attention to. This translates to adulthoods. All adulthood, all of us, to some extent want to, at some point, feel special, feel loved. You want to be paid attention to. Okay? That's a natural thing. And if you if you have an audacious goal to be a a a rock star, a navy seal, an entrepreneur, very successful, just stand out to be special, there's nothing wrong with that. That's a little bit of narcissism speaking, and it can drive you. And that's why I put it in. I love it. So I gotta I gotta be honest with you. I'm thinking of all these friends of mine that are what I call peak performers, but to your point, optimal performers because they don't just peak. They do it consistently. Mhmm. And there is a little bit of a quality of that. And, and even a little bit of self thinking, meaning, you know, I wanna get this attention. I wanna do something significant. I wanna prove something to myself Yes. That's special. And so I I really I really wanna acknowledge that I agree with you on that. And I kinda jumped in there. I think you were on a little bit of a roll before I did that. But you in the side that answer you were giving, you create this mind gym. You also talk about resilience. I'm surprised that wasn't what you went to first, but, obviously, it's, you know, it's it's where you went. But resilience is was one of them across the board. Is it not? It is. Although we have to recognize resilience is just the ability to bounce back. Right? You still have to get through it first. Yeah. But you make a distinction in the book. I'm not interrupting you, but you make a distinction. It's not just you make a distinction about how you bounce back, when you bounce back. I'd love for you to go into that a little bit because this is huge. When you get rejected in sales, if you get knocked down, that's fine. It oftentimes, it's the length of time you're looking the length of time you lick your wounds. That's right. Could you talk about that? It's one of my favorite parts of the things you teach. I just believe it's so true, and it's subtle. Almost nobody would make this distinction other than someone like yourself. So speak to that a little bit. Absolutely. So so resilience again. Resilience is the ability to get knocked off baseline, right, and then get back to baseline, which is extraordinarily important in any factor of human development, whether it's weight lifting, whether it's, whether it's physical, whether it's mental, whether it's whether it's environmental. Right? Then there's and then so just to give another distinction, we're we're also really interested in what's called anti fragility, which is a great book by Nassim Taleb. Right? That's the ability to get back off baseline. When you come back, you're you're stronger. Right? You've moved. You've you've shifted your baseline. To be able to do either, alright, you need to be you need to have the ability to reflect appropriately and for the for the right amount of time. And so the the example I give in the book, which you probably, enjoyed was an old a CEO a former CEO of mine used to tell us what his grandfather told him, which was the two minute rule. And basically, two minute rule was this. Anytime that you, have something bad happen. Okay? Something something negative, bad, it's awful, it's horrible, you have two minutes to wallow, to to mourn, to do whatever you need to do. Okay? After that two minutes, you know, you stop and you get back on track. You're you're back in it. Okay? Same thing happens when anything good happens. Right? Any big success or all that stuff, promotion, whatever, two minutes to rest on your laurels, pat yourself on the back, feel like you're the big man or woman, get back to normal, and then get back to baseline. So it's a mental it's a mental exercise to help get back on baseline. Now, obviously, certain trauma, it's gonna take more than two minutes, but but I think the concept still remains. To be able to reflect enough about something that happened and ask the right questions or so frame it properly, allows us to get back to that baseline and many times grow from it and then move on. And this is the this is the crux of optimal performance and, in fact, growth because we can't grow. We can't move on until we or we can't we can't take those steps unless we we shed that that, that trauma. I think this should give people hope. You know? I think some people think they're weaker than they are sometimes. Like, I get knocked down. And and, guys, this is a guy who led and selected the biggest group of badasses that walked the planet. He's saying they get knocked down. The question mark is, can you get back to baseline or an antifragility? Can you get even better than baseline? And there is a time factor. Mhmm. So those of you that are knocked down or get knocked down, you need to begin to evaluate how quickly this two minute rule and whatever however that manifests itself for you because we all do. But I do feel like and I would say I don't have a lot of attributes, but one of mine has been, the pace at which I get back up to baseline or then eventually exceed it. And in Mind Gym, what you created, I guess, in the seals Mhmm. Are there it sounds to me like you believe resilience can be developed and built, that it's even though it's an attribute, it can be expanded. True or false? And how do we do that? Absolutely true. And so so the the idea is is develop a working relationship with our brain, which was really the the the kind of the the goal of the mind gym was for to help guys begin to figure out this gray matter between their ears and try to access that and, and more proactively use that, you know, gray matter. Because, again, we're we're just from a basic standpoint, I mean, we you know, and and our nervous system, which is it's all connected, which we we all know. But, you know, the sympathetic response versus the parasympathetic response, this is active doing something versus recovery. Recovery is one of the key, elements required. In fact, probably the key element required in any type of resilience or anti fragility. You have to take time for recovery. This, we know this intuitively. When you lift weights, you tear the muscle. Right? The only way you grow muscle is to rest. Okay? If you if you lifted the if you lifted the same weight every day, you just keep on tearing. You'd you'd go into entropy. So you have to tear it and then you have to allow it to grow back, which is what recovery is. Accessing our our kind of understanding our neurology a little bit of a little bit better allows us to, more actively and proactively shift into parasympathetic and and initiate some recovery, more effectively, more often, and in some cases, on demand. And that was really the the key, key kind of goal of the mind gym was to teach guys begin to teach guys how to do that, more more effectively, more efficiently, and more quickly. So I used to call, you know, sometimes, you know, recover in between gunfights because, honestly, resilience we talk about the two minute rule, and and you know this and I think a lot of your audience knows this. When you're really when you're really kind of performing at a high level, whether it's optimally or peak, whatever that looks like, sometimes the situation in the environment doesn't allow for recovery in the moment. Okay? And so this is you can watch every any war movie, right, where the guy who's the guy's next to his buddy, his buddy his buddy gets shot and and he and you'd spend the next two minutes while the guy is, you know, in the movie is crying over his buddy and mourning all that. That doesn't happen in the real world. You don't have time to mourn. You have to win the gunfight. Right? Which means it's it's incumbent on us. And, yeah, obviously, combat's an extreme case, but it's incumbent on us that if recovery is not available in the moment, you have to have to have to make it a priority later. Alright? So so if you're in the moment and something bad happens and you're just like, okay. I gotta block that out, and it's gonna move forward and make this. I gotta I gotta finish the mission. I gotta win the fight, finish the mission. Once that's all done, you need to go back and you define time to recover. This is very hard for for for top performers to do because we're so, we're so kinda seduced by the performance part of it. We love we love breaking through. We like getting through. But recovery is huge. Just think of it in the terms of if you don't recovery if you don't recover effectively, it's like you're you're you're benching three times a day every day. Right? Yep. I've seen this take out more people than, most people realize. I've seen people have really good careers or whatever it is they do for a window of time, and they don't recover, they don't recover. Then what happens is they're fatigued and they make huge mistakes Mhmm. Or they fry. They just fry out. Yeah. And so this is a huge thing. By the way, I don't know that we've done an interview that in twenty minutes has had this much stuff in it this quickly. I think everyone this is like crap, like, you know, pulling over the side of the road and writing things. But on recovery, is there anything other than sleep? Because sleep's the go to. Any other things you offer, say, hey. This is a recovery technique. Well, some of the quicker ones, can be breathing. And I know you you've had, doctor Andrew Huberman on I was thinking of him when you've been talking. It's like Right. And and and he and I serious. He and I have been well, and he's in the book. He and I have been friends now for, gosh, four years, and we've we've been working on a lot of this together. And so, so a lot of my neuroscience comes from just breathing out with him and hanging out with him and his friends. But, but, you know, breathing techniques. So we can do, certain breathing techniques will help us shift into parasympathetic. There's vision techniques, which which Huberman talks about. Open gaze, for example, real fast way for your audience. Open gaze is just it's it it's different than focusing. Instead of focusing on something in front of you, just go soft and start noticing your peripheries. Right? That open gaze has been proven to start shifting your nervous system into parasympathetic and start going that way. So those are some micro techniques. A little bit more macro techniques is really start to think about anything that produces relaxation and joy in your life. Think about doing more of. Okay? This doesn't have to be meditation. Some people like meditation. I I meditation, I find difficult personally, and so and so I had to find different ways. For me, my meditation is I go running. I go running in the woods here in Virginia. I I I don't wear headphones. I don't, time myself, and I just think. And I just let my mind wander. Right? That is recovery for me. Visualizing. Visualizing is a hugely powerful technique because the brain, if you visualize correctly and deeply, the brain doesn't recognize the difference between real experience and visualize experience. So you can create the same, neuro transmitters and hormones that you would in the real experience just through visualization. So, for example, I, you know, I have two boys. They're they're teenagers now. But, you know, when they're when they're babies, I used to, you know, they used to nap on my chest. Right? Such a wonderful feeling as a parent just to have your your kid sleeping on you. And what I would do sometimes is I would just visualize that. And and as I visualize that deeply, those all those feelings would come back. All those all those chemicals would be flooding me. That's recovery as well. So so think about, think about some breathing. Think about vision. Think about visualization. And then you could do things like, I mean, yoga, meditation, the float I'm a big fan of float tanks. I don't know if you ever tried the ice float tanks. Love those things. And so and then, of course, sleep is the kind of the coup de grace of of recovery. Yeah. I wanna go back through that. So, guys, we've talked about float tanks on the show before, and I've recommended it to friends of mine that even are struggling with some depression and mental even minor mental illness. So float tanks are big. For me, the things that that you've listed, Rich, you know, for me is float tanks. I do. Open gaze is something that I've I've I did as a child rather naturally, and something so it's something I go back to. And the visualization stuff that he's talking about, guys, can also you can almost call it like awake dreaming, and and it's something that I do. And one of the things is I'll repeat the same ones over and over and that had given me a previous good feeling. So for me, it's a very random moment in my life that when my daughter was a little girl, we're on a boat, and she asked me, daddy, can I drive the boat? And she sits in my lap and just the way her just my little girl felt, you know, I had my arms around her. It was a little bit windy and cold, and it was like one of the my favorite moments of my life. Well, I've played that video thousands and thousands of times, guys, and so that when I get into an anxiety or stress state or fatigue state, I go right to that video and it takes me back to that moment. I do it, guys, with silly things. Like, before I do my labs, my blood draws with 10 vials of blood. I'll look away and I go back to the boat with Bella and I because it's become reflexive. Those neurotransmitters, those synapses have been so connected now that I can go there anytime I want. These are real things that you can be doing to to recover, and also to perform at an optimal level. I love that you talk about this because it's very rare. I'm listening to you. I'm thinking, were you a little bit, pun intended, fish out of a water in the seals the way you talk and think around the other guys? Not every dude I know is like you. I was admittedly, I was a little bit fish out of water. Yes. Yeah. You had to be, man. You had to be. You're so soft spoken and gentle. Mhmm. You're such a big strong man. Is this new is this a different you? In other words, even the way that you speak, there's a cadence. You gotta be aware of this. I know it. There's a cadence, there's an ease, there's a pace to it. I'm curious if, or maybe you don't even know, was if I met you twenty years ago, was there did that exist? Was this always your disposition, so to speak, or has your disposition changed as you've been willing to share with yourself all of the emotions that a man should be experiencing? I've I've changed. I have to ask. I would like to ask Alex. Let's ask her. What you what you think? He's changed. Even as Kate his daughter's here. She's off camera, guys, but I was curious. Even his disposition and because I've noticed that with myself. I've listened to audios of me twenty years ago. I still have a deep voice. I'm still aggressive. I still talk quickly, but there was an edge and an aggression to even the way I spoke that is somewhat different now, and Alexis, you see that? Absolutely. People always talk to me about his whisper. Yes. Yes. This whisper. He talks very engaging, which is Okay. But that wasn't there. It wasn't to your point as developed as he's developed. I got it. Become more comprehensive. Okay. He didn't even slow down. Yep. So those of you that can't hear Alexis, she's saying that he slows down. Even the way that he speaks is much different as he's changed, and I think that's an external manifestation of something that's happened internally within you. It's very noticeable with you. It's one of the things I noticed right away with you was that there's this strong man, visually very strong man who is frankly strong enough to communicate in a very gentle and kind way that's pleasant to be with. It's not off putting to be with, and I just think all of you should know that over time, I think Jason's an example of just subtle changes you may not even know, but your daughter knows sitting here changes in there. I I had no idea. You said Kate, something like, you talking about riding a bike or something? Had no idea. It's the way that you you're well, it's welcoming. Yeah. It'll it allows someone to sit with you and, be present themselves. Awesome. And I think when when people become more vulnerable in the way they express themselves, it almost gives you permission in their presence to be that way, so the and the reason I say this is just dawning on me, is that I have a son who's a kind young man. He's a gentle, pretty strong, much bigger than me, much stronger, but I'd like to think that maybe a little bit of that is because the I he was fortunate enough that the former me isn't the one that raised him, but for the most part, it was a guy who had done some of this work that raised him, and I just think it gives people permission to be in your presence. I wanna share something with you and then ask you about it, because I see this all over you. We have a more in common than you might think in that when I left I played baseball when I was done playing college. I was unemployed, just living at my parents' house. My dad gets sober. He goes to his first AA meeting, my dad gets sober. Comes back from the first meeting, says, I got you a job. Turns out it was an orphanage. It was a boys' home, a big one, though. My boys were all removed from their homes or their parents were incarcerated or dead, and, but what I discovered by working with these boys, I was their big brother. I took them to school. I was there when they opened presents on Christmas day, you know, took them trick or treating. I was there when they got in a fight at school or broke up with their girlfriend or whatever it was. People always ask me, what do these boys want from you? And what I found from them was they wanted me to love them. They wanted someone to love them, care about them, believe in them, and maybe just show them how to live a little bit better. And as I got older and I got into business, people say, why'd you have some success in business? Because because that's what everybody wants. All people want you to love them. They want you to care about them. They want you to believe in them. They want you to show them how to do a little better or help them. And I find that that's your over if I distill down your message, the reason I agree with it and love it so much is it appears to me that that's what you do. You know, I'm I'm glad you said that because when I first started the cave over the island for boys, it was just martial arts and discipline. Because although I I rather I was telling men to reset to the lamb. No one wants to be in fight or flight response the whole time when you gotta be tough and mean mugging the whole time. Can I go there? Absolutely. Mhmm. But if I could stay majority of time here, this is where I wanna be. Mhmm. When I started working with the boys, and I was different I was a different guy then. I was all about structure, discipline, toughness, fortitude, and I still am. Yes. However, I want you to be comprehensive. Mhmm. Boot camp programs were very popular, and scare straight programs were popular where you would take Yeah. Kids into school into prisons. Yeah. And to get them scared enough to say, hey. I don't wanna act up ever again. I discovered quickly, man, that retraumatizing someone never heals the trauma that you experience. Boot camps programs started failing at alarming rates, and I started shifting. I went from just a disciplined program to a place where it's a safe space. And then I discovered that our boys didn't need more discipline. They needed more love. Yeah. Soon as I gave them that, you know, our first program was at Highland Park, Michigan. If I was late, these boys I'm talking about tough kids. They would sweep and clean the room, everything, move the desk out, and they would sit there purposefully so that I could see them and say, wow. That's great. You guys didn't know. They just wanted the affirmation. They wanted the love. Yeah. That's why they act out, and that's what I give them. I give them what I longed for. I'm literally I became what I wanted. And that's what that's what it is. It's no secret. I became a man who's strong but sensitive, who's compassionate but caring, someone who can encourage you when you need to push through some pain, but also encourage you to express sorrow. We need to apologize to someone. Mhmm. Or feel the grief so that you can do something to transform someone's life. If you're only stuck in just masculine attributes, you can see something wrong, but you say, no, I'm feeling something different, that ain't gonna I won't be a man, so they shy away from that. So true. When we change as men, I'm I say this, and I didn't say you said didn't say this. This world will change. You're right. When we can change, like, really become comprehensive, misogynistic behavior, I can go down the line with change. And and that's inside working from the inside out. Welcome back to the show, everybody. It's such a blessing to be with you this week. I'm gonna give you three keys today to, I think, just shifting perspective. Today's podcast is really about your perspective on life and how you see things. It's such a critical thing in life. And isn't it interesting that when we have a tragedy or something difficult in our life, or we hear about it with someone else, how that instantly changes our perspective for a little bit. For a little bit. You ever have that? If there's a passing of somebody that you love or in your family, it makes you reevaluate and recalibrate life and what really matters to you. But doesn't it seem like that's fleeting and it's just for a while. And then you find yourself six months, a year later, back to thinking and doing exactly what you did before. And so that happens with me as well. And so I saw this quick video this week that this is, these are not my words, but they made an impact on me. And I wanted to share the words in this video with you because they were so compelling for me. And I think it will be a gift for you as well. And then I would give you some takeaways that I took from these words. So here we go. I asked God, why are you taking me through troubled waters? He replied because your enemies can't swim. I asked, why do I always feel like I'm failing and struggling? He answered, because your growth and accomplishments come from facing challenges and overcoming difficulties. Every failure is a stepping stone to success. I asked God again, why do I sometimes feel like life is filled with pain and helplessness? He responded, because in your weakest moments, I am by your side. I use your pain to shape your character and your helplessness to showcase my power. Continuing, I inquired, why do I have to experience disappointment and setbacks? He replied, because in disappointment, you learn to trust. In setbacks, you learn to persevere. I am with you every step of the way, guiding you towards victory. Finally, I asked, why do I always feel confused and lost? He answered, because you overlook my plan for your life. When you focus on me, I will smooth your path and provide you with clear direction. Trust me. Everything is within my control. It's had a big impact on me, a profound impact because I think oftentimes we do wonder why certain things happen in our life. And I think perspective is everything. You know, when I talk to people that are a little bit older than me, I'm always blown away by the perspective that they have. I recall when Max was about six years old, every weekend on Saturdays, I would take Max down to the car wash and we would get my car washed. And it was back in the days where there really wasn't a lot of internet at the time. So there was a man there that we would see every Saturday, an older man, and he was reading his newspaper. And I think he sat there for hours. Frank, I always wonder like this guy's car took a long time to get washed. I think he would just come down there and read his paper and maybe his car was, you know, maybe it was being detailed or he just let them work on it while he sat there. And so he would always, we'd always say hello and he was a nice man. And, but I could tell that he wasn't happy. I could tell there was something unsettled in his spirit. And I watched him several times. This looks sad to me. And I took notice of it. You ever just feel someone's energy? And I remember several times seeing this man feeling some kind of sympathy for him. And I'll never forget this because he, one Sunday he goes, so how old is max? And I said, he's six years old. And he gave me great advice. He said, well, enjoy the six year old because when he turns seven, that six year olds gone forever. And if you're a parent, you know, that's true. That six year old really does go away and there's a brand new person at seven. And he goes, in fact, enjoy the seven year old, because once he turns eight, that seven year old's gone forever. They become a whole new person and remake themselves. And, and you know what? And enjoy him when he's 16, because when he turns 17, that 16 year old teenager is a completely different person. They just, they keep changing and growing. And I didn't even mean it in a mean way, but I remember I turned to him and I said, sir, when did that process stop for you? And he put the paper down. He said, again? I said, when did you stop remaking yourself every year? And he sat back and he went, oh, I don't know. I guess maybe, maybe my early mid twenties. I said, you should evaluate that. I said, one of the things I'm most obsessed with in my life is that the 33 year old me will be gone forever. When I turned 34 replaced with a whole new, better growing version of me. And I hope someday when I'm 40, that when I turned 41, the 40 year old's gone forever. Just like the six year old Eddie Mylett, there was a new version of them and improved. Now, obviously you take parts of you into your future, but there's a new and improved version every year. I'm remaking myself. You know, you can look into your body, your lung tissue, your digestive tract, even your bones are remaking themselves on a very regular basis. It's part of nature to be reborn and remade. But so many people lack the perspective in their life and that lack of perspective causes them to not grow anymore. There's this great quote that I used to throw around all the time that said most men die in their early twenties. We just don't get around to burying them until they're in their seventies. Too many people right now are not remaking themselves and wondering why they're not happy. This requires growth. This requires perspective. And I think that quote that I read you earlier about God, whatever your version of God is in your life, however you look at that, everyone knows how I look at it, but however you look at that, that it changes your perspective and that the things that happen in your life take on a different meaning. See everything in life is what does something mean to us? If you can change the meaning of something, you can change everything in your life. But once we stop growing and changing, it all starts to feed the same meaning. They ever say, well, you keep telling the same story to yourself. That's a big thing in personal change your story and you should change your story. But in order to change the story, you have to change what you believe things mean. And so that's why the questions that that person was asking that God was answering changes the meaning of when things happen. So I'm a big believer that you are supposed to be replacing yourself. So if you're 28 years old and you're listening to this today, one of your ambitions ought to be to take all the great things with you into your 20 year, but to grow and improve so that 28 year old's gone forever. And there's a new, better version of you at 29. If you're 40 years old, listening to this today, that by the time you're growing all year long, that by the time you turn 41, that 40 year old's gone forever. Just like the six year old, you was gone forever. When you turned seven, just like when you turned eight, the seven year old was gone forever. Just like when the 16 year old turned 17, the 16 year old was gone forever. If you look back at your life, you've changed and grown quite a bit, haven't you? But at what pace, At what percentage? How much? Right. And to what perspective do you need to accelerate this? And so I believe very deeply in life that the meaning we take away from experiences changes everything. And how do you change your meaning? So I'm going to give you three keys today to shifting perspective, to shifting perspective. Number one, with that, that quote I gave you in the beginning illustrates number one is ask a better question, have a better life. The quality of your life is really comprised of the quality of the questions you ask yourself because the quality of the questions creates the quality of your thoughts, quality of your thoughts defines the meaning. And so if you can begin to ask better questions in life, you can have a better life. But what you're doing right now, the reason you're not growing if you're not, or you're not growing at the rate you could is because you're not looking to ask a better question. See, the powerful thought of that whole thing I read to you is that it was powerful questions with better answers. So it was a pretty average question with an extraordinary answer from God. And when you begin to ask the right questions, I believe you begin to get the right answers. Your life is really a patterns of regular questions you're asking yourself. All this data that tells us 80 to 90% of our thoughts are the same every day and that most of them are negative. Why? Because 80 to 90% of the questions you ask yourself are just autopilot. Why do they why am I this way? Why aren't I happier? Why am I more successful? What are they thinking about me? What are they gonna think? What are people gonna say? You add the same questions all the time you're asking yourself, and so your perspective doesn't change. That's why I love talking to people that are at later stages in life because you just see a peace about them and a wisdom about them that's come with time because they've had more perspective change in their life. That's why I think listening to podcasts and hopefully mine at the top of the list, reading books and talking to people that are successful or happy can give you perspective. You wanna do something that's unbelievably productive in your life, Go spend an afternoon at a retirement home or a nursing home and talk to those folks about their perspective on life. You really wanna have a lot of change in your life? Get with a great coach and ask them quality questions. Get with people that have the information and the person with the most information wins. And by the way, for me, the source with the most information, that's why I read this to you is God. And so when I pray, I ask questions and I find the higher caliber, higher quality, better, newer question. I'd elicit a better answer. So number one is ask a better question, have a better life. Number two, shift your perspective and you shift your life. I have this great story that I was once told, and I, you know, it's not my story, but mother Teresa, I'll give you two of them. You know, for most of us, if we saw, if we were with something, someone who passed away or we saw a car accident, let's say, and we rushed to the scene of that accident and we had someone in our arms that passed away. You and I would probably, our perspective would be my gosh, I just witnessed a tragedy in my life and that's okay. That's reasonable conclusion that you had witnessed this tragic. I think it was Tony Robbins that told me this story. And he said, actually mother Teresa said that the greatest honor of her life was to be present with a person when their soul leaves their body and goes to heaven. So can you imagine the exact same event you and I would sit there and say, this is tragic. This is horrible. Mother Teresa would say this was the greatest honor of her life to be there, to watch this soul, leave its body and go to heaven. Same exact event, different perspective, different meaning, different emotion, different quality of life. You following me perspective creates meaning, meaning creates emotion. And the quality of our life is the quality of our emotions. We have a completely different life. Mother Teresa and an event like that is such an unbelievable. It's an extreme example, but it's illustrative of everything is perspective and meaning it's not the events of our life that define us. It's the meaning we take from these events. Let me say that to you again. It's not the events of our life that define us. It's the meaning we take away from those events. If you want to change your life, you can go back and begin to look at what meanings you've taken. Ask yourself, what would I need to believe about that event so that it would serve me? Not what do I believe? What would I need to believe so that it would serve me? I could have, you know, they there's all this data about children that grow up in alcoholic households. It's fascinating. Usually they're one way or the other either become extremely successful achievers or they repeat the patterns of their parent. Why is it that two children can go up in the exact same house with the exact same parents and have two totally different lives? Most of you are nodding probably when I say this. She's thinking of you in your own family or somebody you know. Same two parents, same environment, same house, same upbringing, same information, two totally different lives. Why is that perspective and meaning one person took away a different meaning from the exact same events and the other one took away meanings that didn't serve them, made them shrink, made them negative, made them bitter, made them lose their confidence. And the other person didn't. What I learned from watching those events happen in my life is I learned what I didn't want to do. I learned when my dad got sober, that people can change their life. I took those meanings away. So everything in your life is the meaning you take away from the event. And by the way, the meaning you attach to your work, there's this great story. I'll tell you. Secondly, I believe it was JFK and he was visiting Cape Canaveral and he's walking through Cape Canaveral. This is back in the days where they're, you know, they're going to launch and, and, go into space and, attempt to go to the moon. As I understand the story at the time. And he walks by this man, who's got a mop and a bucket and he stops and asks this man and says, what is it that you're doing here? And what would have been reasonable for that man to say, oh, sir, I'm cleaning the floor. I'm making this place spotless, etcetera, etcetera. Do you know what this man replied to him? The man with the mop and the bucket president Kennedy says to him, so what are you doing here? And this man says, I'm helping put a man on the moon, sir. I'm helping put a man on the moon. He had a completely different perspective about his work. He took a different meaning away from his work than what the average and ordinary person would do. It's not even what we do. It's the meaning we take from it. And then the third thing that I would recommend to you is to learn to reconnect with your center, to get centered in your life. I'm talking about this a lot more. And so to do things that give you perspective is to reconnect with center. We lose perspective when there's chaos around us. We lose perspective when we're just repeating the same thoughts and the same questions and the same emotions over and over again. So in order to change that one, you got to ask a better question. Two, you've got to shift your perspective and your meaning. And third is reconnect to your center. So what are the things you could be doing to reconnect to your center? For me, my center is my faith. And so I focus on my prayer life. In fact, I'm reading a prayer right now. I probably will just pull it up on my phone. I wasn't going to do this, but I'm reading a prayer currently that I think I should share with you guys. So here we go. Father, here I am before your throne with a heavy heart and an anxious mind. Come Lord and fill me with your holy presence. Let me rest and be at peace. Let me feel your protection. Let me feel as if I'm under the shadow of your wings, safe, hidden, and secure in you. Only you can give it and take it all. I pray father, please take my fear away and give me your peace that surpasses all understanding. You know that my life is in your hands. My trust and my hope is on you alone, father. Thank you in the name of Jesus. Amen. Just a prayer. I've been reading myself. I give myself different prayers from time to time that just changed my perspective. So for me, by the way, whatever your faith is, I also meditate. I love vibrational frequency. I love to center myself. And so whatever your practices are, get back to those practices. Care for your body a little bit more. For me, I've learned that my center almost always has to do with my faith in my body. That when I'm connected to my body, this what we would consider to be a temple, when I care for it a little bit better. So these things may seem very simple to you, but reconnect if you're meditating, really refocus on it. If you've got prayer life, really refocus on it. For me, it's strange, but the more I do little things where I'm connected to my body, cold plunging, sauna, Here's a random one for you lately, I just love to stretch. Just stretching and some yoga has really helped me reconnect to my center, something I've never done before, I'm a bigger guy, I always thought I'll get around to stretching, I'll get around to yoga. Well, this year, last twelve months, I've made it a pretty big priority. It helps me reconnect. It's just I'm present with my body. I also love to do earthing and grounding where I walk around with my bare feet on the earth. I try to get in the grass or on the beach if I can and just reconnect to that. For some reason that helps me connect with my center. And then lastly, just one of my formulas is I love to be around water. And so when I had an apartment and couldn't live near the ocean, I always had like a fountain in my house where I could hear running water, something I'm, some of you may relate to this, just somehow being around running water, centers me, calms me, whether it's a lake or an ocean, even a pool, a fountain, something that is water centered for me helps me reconnect to my center. And those are just part of my formulas. I think it's to know oneself. Right. And so I love to work out and and lift heavy and all that stuff, but boy, I really tell you something. I found out stretching and yoga, my prayer life, my meditation, my earthing and grounding, these are not things that five or eight years ago you probably would have heard me talk a lot about, but they've helped me change my perspective. And so what today was all about was sharing with you a perspective shift on life and getting you to consider, is one of the things I need to do of all the things that's talked about in personal development, self help, self improvement, entrepreneurship. What about my perspective? How is my perspective impacting my thoughts? How are those thoughts impacting my behavior, the decisions I make, the emotions I have? And if I can shift my perspective, I can tell you that I think you can shift your life. And so go back in the beginning of this video or audio and listen to that exchange that this person has with God that you could have with your God, and then ask yourself a better question, shift your perspective and shift your life and reconnect with your center. And I think you're going to find a formula and a recipe that may have changed. Come find you, as opposed to you having to always go chase change. You can actually become somebody where change helps find you, where you magnetize and gravitate to yourself because of this incredible perspective you've had. And the last thing I want for you is to be a man or woman who in their twenties or thirties really dies, but doesn't get buried until they're in their seventies, eighties, nineties, or beyond. That's not what you wanna be. You wanna be that person who every year, that new birth date, that new time is replacing the former you, taking the best of the best from the previous person, fixing the things that aren't so good, and growing and improving into that new year, just like the six year old did, just like the seven year old did, just like the 16 year old did, so should the 40 year old, so should the 25 year old, so should the 65 year old. And I believe those are the key things to creating change in your life. Welcome back to the show, everybody. Excited to talk to this gentleman today because his work's fascinated me for a long time. The reason his work has fascinated me for so long, I went through this string for a while where so many, what I call, high performing successful friends of mine would say, have you read Atomic Habits? You read Atomic Habits? I'm talking about athletes, business people, entertainers, and I'm like, the heck is Atomic Habits? And I finally find out there's this guy, James Clear. Turns out he's written this book. Like, 5,000,000 people have bought it. And I'm like, well, why have 5,000,000 people read this book on habits? Because, you know, you're supposed to have them. And then I read it. I'm like, ah, it's not one of these, like, have a habit book. It's like how your brain works, how to create habits, how to eliminate bad ones, and physically why in your brain you can do these things and why it's so necessary. So I've wanted James on for a long time. We finally put it together. I'm so grateful to share him with all of you today. So James Clear, welcome to the show, brother. Hey. Thanks for having me on. Great to talk to you. Yeah. And I don't wanna just talk habits today. I wanna talk about some of your productivity hacks as well. Sure. Your work, Rose, is, I think I'd call it groundbreaking because I don't think anybody's really approached habits the way that you have. But let's let's back up a little bit just for a second because I I think it's important for people to understand this concept you teach that, you know, everyone's always talking about taking massive action. You take massive action towards what you want. You're like, yeah, you should do that, but your concept of getting 1% better is much more believable for most people. And so just address that for a second. Why why 1% better every day and how does a habit do that? Sure. So first of all, I think there's no reason that you can't be really ambitious. Right? Like, I consider myself to be very ambitious person. I think it's just that you're oscillating or switching between these two modes. Like when you're in planning mode, when you're in strategy mode, sure, you can be very ambitious and be very aggressive and stretching yourself and reaching. But when it comes time to take action and execute, you have to scale it down to something that you can achieve that day. You know, like the in one sense, the biggest unit of time you could ever do something is about a single day because then you got to go to sleep, you know, and then you have to wake up again and do it the next day. So unless you're playing, you know, at some point, there's a limit. You can only stay up for forty eight hours or seventy two hours, like, you know, and then you break. So that's the largest possible unit that you could ever do a single thing in. And And I think more realistically, most of the time, the truth is, you know, you got about an hour, maybe you got two hours to work on this, and then you got to go move on to something else. So we don't have big chunks of chunks of time available to us. We need to scale things down into pieces that we can actually work on and execute. So the way that I think about it is when making plans, think big. When making progress, think small. And getting 1% better each day is a way to encourage that. The story that I like to tell, and this is something that I kind of kick atomic habits off with, is the story of the British cycling team. And, you know, for many years, British cycling was very mediocre. They had never won a Tour de France, which is the premier race in cycling. They had won a single gold medal over like a hundred year span. And they brought this new performance coach in named Dave Brailsford, and he had this concept that he called the aggregation of marginal gains. The aggregation of marginal gains. And the way that he described it was the 1% improvement in nearly everything that we do related to cycling. So they started looking at a bunch of things you would expect a cycling team to focus on. Like they put slightly lighter tires on the bike or they designed like an ergonomic seat for the riders. They had the riders wear a little feedback sensor, little chip to see how each individual responded to training, then they would adjust the practice schedule. But then they started doing like these little 1% changes, these small improvements that nobody else was really thinking about. Like they hired a surgeon to come in and teach the riders how to wash their hands to reduce the risk of catching a cold or getting the flu. They have this big trailer, like a semi trailer that carries a lot of bikes in it to major events, and they painted the inside of that truck trailer white so that they could spot little bits of dirt and dust that might get in the gears and degrade the performance of the bikes. They have two different types of fabrics. They've got like indoor racing suits and outdoor racing suits. And they tested those fabrics in a wind tunnel, And they found out that the indoor fabric was lighter and more aerodynamic. So they asked all of their riders to wear that fabric. They even had all their different riders test, you know, like a bunch of like maybe a dozen different types of pillows. And then they see which one led to the best night's sleep for each person. And then once they figure that out, they brought that on the road with them to hotels for the Tour de France and so on. And Brailsford said something like, If we can actually do this, if we actually make all these 1% improvements related to cycling, then I think we can win a Tour de France within five years. He ended up being wrong. They won the Tour de France in three years and then they repeated again the fourth year with a different rider. And then after a one year break, they won three more in a row. So after having never won for like one hundred and ten years, they win five of the next six. And I like to use that story as an introduction to this idea of getting a little bit better, making these 1% improvements for a couple of reasons. The first is it shows you that excellence a lot of the time, maybe we can even say most of the time, is not actually about radical change. It's about a commitment to accruing small improvements day in and day out. Secondly, and I think this is also crucial, it encourages you to focus on trajectory rather than position. Right? There's a lot of discussion about position in life. How much money is in the bank account? What is the number on the scale? What is the current stock price? What are the quarterly earnings? There's all this measurement around our current position. But what getting 1% better each day encourages is to focus on your trajectory instead. Am I getting better? Is the arrow pointed up and to the right? Or have we flatlined? Am I getting 1% better or 1% worse? Because if you're on a good trajectory, all you need is time. Right? If you have good habits, time becomes your ally. You just need to let time work for you. But if you have bad habits, time becomes your enemy. And every day that clicks by, you kind of dig the hole a little bit deeper. And so it's very much at the core, it's about encouraging you to focus on trajectory rather than position. How did you get the 37.78 times better? Like, where'd that ratio number come from? Yeah. Yeah. It's just it's just math. Right? So if you get 1% better each day for a year, so 1.01 to the three hundred and sixty fifth power, then it gets 37 times better by the end of the year. If you get 1% worse, 0.99 to the three hundred and sixty fifth power, then you drive yourself almost all the way down to zero. Now, you know, look, real life is not exactly like a mathematical equation. Right? Your habits are not exactly like this this formula. But I do think that it highlights an important concept, which is the difference between making a choice that's one percent better or 1% worse on any given day is relatively insignificant. Like, it's very easy to dismiss. And this is, I think, one of the things that makes it underappreciated or underestimated. You know, like, what is the difference between eating a burger and fries for lunch today or eating a salad or, you know, going to the gym for thirty minutes or not? Well, on any given day, not a whole lot. You know, your body looks the same in the mirror at the end of the night. Scale hasn't really changed. It's only two or five or ten years later that you turn around and you're like, oh, you know, those daily choices really do add up. And I think you see this pattern again and again throughout life. Like, take knowledge, for example. The person who always reads for an extra ten minutes each day. Well, look. Reading for ten minutes a day does not make you a genius. Right? It's very easy to dismiss. But the person who always does that over five or ten or twenty years, yeah, really meaningful difference in wisdom and insight. Productivity is the same way. You know, like the person who gets one extra task done each day. Doing one extra thing does not make you an all star. But again, over ten or twenty or thirty year career, that can be a really meaningful difference in output. So this pattern shows up again and again. What starts out small and relatively easy to dismiss, compounds or turns into something much more significant over time. The biggest word, bro. I don't think most people take into account you and I are both college baseball players, good ones, but neither one of us were, you know, surefire first round draft pick major league players. And I think most people don't take into account in their, like, the compound effect. I don't think they understand it in money. I don't think they understand it in their bodies. Mhmm. Both positive and negative. And I don't think they understand in their identity or in just in inhabits. The compound effect in life of allowing small things to stack up over time has a multiplier effect. And one of the things that I feel like in your work and by the way, your work is I'm all we're we're a few minutes in here, and I'm like, this is so good. And the reason is is, one, I believe most people believe they can get 1% better every day. I don't think most people believe that they can completely transform everything in one big leap. I think there's a multiplier, though. Do you agree that between doing the right things 1% or just better habitually every single day, not only you actually making deposits of doing things correctly or better, but there's a part of your identity that starts to change over time about how you view yourself that I am that guy who doesn't eat the hamburger and fries when he can choose to eat the other one. And you stack those choices and behaviors up over time, and you start sort of believing maybe you deserve something that you didn't deserve prior. Doesn't there factor that, don't you think as well? This is a a huge part of kind of my philosophy and book, this idea of what I call identity based habits. But essentially, the concept is, and this I think this is the real reason that habits matter. The surface level reason that habits matter is they help you be more productive, they help you make more money, they help you lose weight and get fit. And look, habits can do all those things, and that's great. But I think the deeper reason that they matter is that every action you take is like a vote for the type of person you wish to become. And so when you perform these small habits, when you take these little actions, you're casting votes for a certain aspect of your story or a certain element of your identity. In a sense, every time you perform a habit, that's how you like embody that aspect of your identity. So, you know, when you make your bed in the morning, you embody the identity of someone who's clean and organized. Or if you write one sentence, you embody the identity of someone who is a writer. And this is why it can be valuable, you know, even to like do one push up. It's like, no, that does not transform your body, but it does cast a vote for I'm the type of person who doesn't miss workouts. And eventually, as you build up evidence of that story, as you start to cast more votes for that identity, you have like actual proof to believe this. Right? This is I think this is a little bit different than you'll often hear something like, Fake it till you make it. And I don't necessarily have anything wrong with fake it till you make it. It's asking you to believe something positive about yourself. But it's asking you to believe something positive without having evidence for it. And we have a word for beliefs that don't have evidence. We call that delusion. Right? Like at some point, your brain doesn't like this mismatch between what you say you are and what you're actually doing. And so my argument is to let the behavior lead the way, to start by meditating for one minute or doing one push up or writing one sentence and letting that be undeniable proof that in that moment, you were a meditator or an athlete or writer or whatever it is. And, ultimately, I think this is the real value that habits provide, which is they reinforce your desired identity. Boy, it's just so good, brother. So good. I don't know why I'm just meeting you now because our our overall belief system about change is is so very, very similar. And, you know, I wanna we're gonna talk about how to actually begin to establish habits. But before we do that, I wanna talk about the concept of establishing one because you said something about the one push up. Reading or listening to something you're talking about about the guy who would go to the gym for just five minutes and work out and leave. And you said something about this casting the vote for who you wanna be or who you're going to be. That was powerful. Right? But you're saying before a habit can be and I don't wanna quote you incorrectly, but I want you to elaborate on it. Because this is profound to me. I mean, it's obvious, but if you if you don't step back and get away from it and look at it, you just really don't realize the truth of it. Before a habit can be improved, it has to actually be established. Mhmm. And I think what happens is you tell me what you think. Beginning of the year, I'm gonna lose 50 pounds. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna eat five then it's it's I'm gonna I'm gonna starve myself to 500 calories. So it's not a 1% improvement, or I wanna get up earlier. I'm gonna get up two hours earlier starting tomorrow instead of get up fifteen minutes earlier. Mhmm. Right? Get up get up a minute earlier. So talk about it from a just the the concept for one to just they can take control of their life right now by just the establishment of a habit. Right or or right? Yeah. Definitely right. I, so one of the concepts I talk about in the book is this one of the strategies is this idea of what I call the two minute rule, where I encourage people to build a habit that takes two minutes or less to do. So you take whatever you're trying to do, read 30 books a year becomes read one page, or do yoga four days a week becomes take out my yoga mat. And sometimes when I mention that idea, people resist a little bit because they're like, Okay, buddy. You know, I know the real goal isn't just to take my yoga mat out. I know I'm actually trying to do the workout. So if this is some kind of mental trick, then like, why would I fall for it, basically? Well, I tell the story of of this guy, Mitch, that you mentioned, this guy who I met I talk about him in Atomic Habits. He went to the gym. We've lost over 100 pounds, kept it off for more than a decade. And when he first started going to the gym, he wouldn't stay for longer than five minutes. He had this little rule, he had to leave after five minutes. So he'd get in the car, drive to the gym, get out, do half an exercise, get back in the car, drive home. And it sounds ridiculous, right? It sounds silly. You're like, Obviously, he's not going to get the guy the results that he wants. But if you take a step back, you realize that he was mastering the art of showing up. Right? He was becoming the type of person that went to the gym four days a week, even if it was only for five minutes. And this gets us to that deeper truth about habits that you just mentioned, this idea that a habit must be established before it can be improved. It has to become the standard in your life before you can optimize it and scale it up into something more. And, you know, I don't know why we do this. Like, we get very all or nothing about our habits. We're like, we're so focused on finding the perfect business idea or the best workout program or the ideal diet plan that we spend all our time theorizing and researching and looking for a better way. And instead, if we could just master the art of showing up, even if in the beginning it was less than what you had hoped to do, you're establishing a foothold. You're building some small progress that you can advance off of. And it reminds me of Ed Lattimore has that great quote where he says, the heaviest weight at the gym is the front door. And man, there are a lot of things in life that are like that. You know, like the the hardest part is getting started. The hardest part is establishing the routine, even if it's a lower level baseline than what you ultimately hope to achieve. But the reality is, if you But the reality is, if you can't become the type of person who masters the art of showing up, even if it's just for five minutes, then it doesn't matter how good the plan is. It doesn't matter how great your theory is. And so I think the two minute rule pushes back on that perfectionist tendency a little bit and just encourages you to master the art of showing up.

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## The Dangerous Weapon You Use Against Yourself | Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK1kG2dfFWQ
- **Published:** 1 month ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, now on with the show. Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. I'm Ed Mylett, and today's program, I think, is gonna go a long way to help you find more happiness and more leverage to go become successful simultaneously. So we're gonna talk today about comparison and how it affects our happiness level and how it can affect our drive level. Comparison in every area of our life can either be used as a weapon to create complete unhappiness in our life or it can be utilized as a catalyst to help us succeed at the highest of levels. I want you to remember something. Comparison is the pathway to unhappiness. I'm telling you that in every area of your life where you find unhappiness, you will find comparison. In fact, the antithesis to that is also true. When there is no comparison, you cannot create unhappiness in your life. That's a pretty bold and powerful statement, but it's true. We only feel unhappy in our lives when we compare something to maybe something in our life that was a different time. Maybe perhaps when we were wealthier or in a different relationship or we were healthier in some level. Comparing our current conditions to previous ones, that comparison is what creates the unhappiness. It's actually not the condition itself. Or perhaps you're in a relationship where you compare it to a previous relationship you had and how they treated or how you felt at that time. Perhaps you compare this time in your life just to a simply a different time, and that comparison will always create unhappiness in your life. If you can remove yourself from comparing both yourself to a previous time in your life, a previous condition, a previous situation, or even comparing yourself to other people in your life. This is a recipe and a formula for unhappiness. Every single time in your life where you're experiencing unhappiness, you are doing a comparison to something. It's the contradiction between your current situation, current relationship, current body, current finances, current anything, and something exterior. Either a previous time in your life, a previous person in your life, or you comparing yours to someone else's. It is an insidious disease that so many people in society suffer from today, particularly because of the advent of social media. We watch someone's video of what they're doing on a Friday night and it's not what they're doing that makes us unhappy, It's comparing what they're doing to what we're doing that makes us unhappy. It's seeing people laughing and jovial or jet setting or or seeming to be having a great time compared to what we're doing and that creates unhappiness. It's not the success of people you know that's making you unhappy. It's you're comparing your situation to the success they're having that creates unhappiness in your life. So for those of you that are struggling and saying, you know, one of the things I suffer from is I'm just not very happy very often. I can tell you that that presence of unhappiness, you will always link to a comparison of some sort either in your own life or in other people's lives. And just being aware of that fact and stopping the comparison, embracing this moment, embracing this time, knowing that you can't go back to that previous time, knowing that you can't be in somebody else's life. You're not gonna have that other body right now. And so if you're looking to be happier, I can promise you the number one key that I would give you is to stop the comparison game. You'd say, well, that's not completely true. I mean, what if someone passes away? That makes me unhappy. There's no comparison there. Let's take the most extreme example. Or when someone's sick in my family, you know, someone in my family's got a really bad illness, that makes me unhappy. That's not a comparison. In fact, it is. The fact of the matter is that when someone gets sick in your family or passes away, what you do in your mind is you compare it to when they were healthy. So that comparison of I wish they were healthier again, that is a comparison between the previous situation and the current condition. If someone passes away, it's comparing the time that you had them. That's why people say, if I could just have one more moment with them, if I could just have another conversation. It's comparing it to when you had the moment. It's comparing it to when you had the conversation. And so those are extreme examples. But if we reduce it all the way down to anything right now in your life that you say, it brings me unhappiness. There's no joy there. There's a comparison happening that's not serving you. It's so important to take a look at it because I really believe most people think, and I've covered this before from a different angle, that if I can just change my exterior circumstances, I will be happier. And that's because they're comparing their current circumstances to someone else. That'd be like somebody sitting in their home who's unhappy in their current home and saying, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna rearrange the house and then I'll be happier. And so they rearrange the exterior furniture, the exterior conditions of the house. And then when they sit back down, they're still unhappy. So they go, okay. What I'll do is I'll rearrange the exterior of the house again or the interior. They fix it again, and they're still unhappy. The reason that's so important is when you accept the fact that it's not the external conditions of your life that create happiness. What creates happiness in our life is realizing that we are not our possessions. We are not our titles. We are not our recognition. We are not our accolades. We are not our popularity, that we're perfect as we are. We're perfect as we are. That we begin to accept ourselves and love ourselves as we are is when we find true happiness. But comparing yourself to another time where maybe you had more recognition, you had a better title, you had more influence will always lead you to a pathway of unhappiness. Now I'm not talking about self love in the sense that you just accept everything in your life and you sit around. What I'm suggesting to you is happiness and success are often two different things. Happiness comes from acceptance. Happiness comes from surrender and loving ourselves as we are. Because if we think we're just gonna rearrange the furniture and then we're happier, we still live in the house that is us. We are still housed our souls, our hearts, and our minds are still housed in the same home, which is our body. And if we can't begin to love it without the comparison of some change, we're never going to love it. We will always be trying to exchange the furniture of our life. We'll always be trying to change the exterior. So many of you achievers are listening to this right now and you're nodding and you're saying, my gosh. That's why I'm never happy. I'm always thinking if I could just exchange the furniture, if I could just change the external conditions, then I'll be happy, then I'll be happy, then I'll be happy. And every time you switch the furniture, every time you change the conditions of your life, you find yourself very short term finding happiness and then right back to the unhappy state. That's because you keep comparing your situation to someone else's. No matter how good yours is, you have to compare it to someone else, someone else's recognition, someone else's wealth, someone else's supposed happiness, someone else's relationship, someone else's body, someone else's confidence. And that comparison is flooding you with unhappiness no matter how good or how bad the external conditions of our lives are. Now having said that, we've now found a formula, haven't we? That we know when we compare to something, it creates unhappiness in us. This is a key to success now. So we know to find happiness in our lives, we have to stop comparing. However, when there's an area we know we must change stay with me here. When there's an area we know we must change, now we use comparison as a weapon to our advantage because most people are motivated by avoiding pain. Right? That's their motivation, to avoid unhappiness. And so I use comparison as a weapon, as a catalyst to get leverage on myself to change. So I'm very conscious when I'm feeling unhappiness in an area that I'm I'm not conscious of changing to not do comparison. But when it's an area I must change, I do use comparison as my own weapon to get leverage because the gateway to get people say to me all the time, how do I get leverage? How do I get drive? How do I get that voiding pain thing? Comparison. Comparison. So it's a two edged sword. We use it against ourselves too often in our life that gives us misery and unhappiness and takes our bliss away. And not enough of us leverage the power of unhappiness using comparison to our advantage. For a perfect example, right now, I'm not in the physical shape that I wanna be. I am comparing myself to the previous fit version of me. And this discomfort, this dislike, this pain, this unhappiness that I'm flooding myself with by using the weapon of comparison to my advantage is a catalyst to get me going forward. I shared a story on social media the other day. I was at the gym, and I was working out and already not feeling great about how I've looked. I've had enough people comment, man, that you're look when you're when you're a fit person or if you're a male and you're kind of a, I don't know, a bodybuilder or whatever, but you have muscle on your body. When people see you, they haven't seen you for a long time, they'll say things like to you, hey, you're looking pretty lean. Look like you're slimming down. That's not what you wanna say to someone who's sort of muscular. Right? And, that's usually code for you don't look as good. You're you're shrinking. Right? And so I've been hearing that lately from people. I had a good friend of mine hug me the other day and he's like, wow, I can get my arms all the way around your back. You used to have these huge lats. Couldn't even get my arms around. Your arms were so big too. Like, wow. So I'm working out at the gym and, a young man's behind me and I hear him say, hey. Hey. And I finally lift my earphones off and he says, mister Mylett, would you please get out of the way so I can look at myself in the mirror when I'm working out? I'm not kidding you. And I looked back at him and I went, are you crazy? I won't even give you the words that I really said to him. Right? And, and I I just we'll leave it at that. So he let I let him know that that was an appropriate thing to say to me. But what I did is I used it as leverage when I left there. I'm like, my gosh. Two years ago, no one would want me to get out of the way. No one would talk to me like that. But right now, I look so average or bad. He's like, get out of the way so I can look at somebody who's really jacked up and fit. Right? And I'm leveraging that comparison to what I used to look like to my advantage that's causing me to eat cleaner. I'm telling you, since that's happened, every meal has been put in front of me, I think about in slow motion. I could see it in slow motion. Him telling me to get out of the way and me feeling like the most out of shape, not fit human being on earth. And what I was doing was comparing myself to the two year ago version of me when I was much bigger, and that comparison is giving me leverage. Okay? And so I will use leverage to get me to do things. I will let people see, a lot of people would say that would knock a lot of people down, but that's not what it did to me. It gave me fuel to my fire. The winners use fuel to their fire. They'll use comparison as a weapon. When I see people succeeding in different areas, I don't use the comparison of them doing it to create unhappiness with me. I will use it tactically in specific situations to cause me to wanna move away from how I feel about that comparison. Either to my previous body, my previous wealth, my previous energy, my previous influence. Mike, my cameraman and I were just talking today outside and I said to him, you know, I used to be better speaker than I am now. And I said, man, if you'd have seen me years ago, you'd have seen the energy I brought, how dynamic I was, how articulate I was compared to this version of me now. And the reason I'm doing that is I want to get better as a speaker. I'm using that comparison. It makes it gives me pain and unhappiness to think about the kind of communicator I am now compared to how I viewed the previous situation. So I compared it to give me leverage to improve, to give to make it a catalyst to change. I understand when to use comparison and when not to. When I want to create a situation of change, I will leverage comparison to my advantage. When I wanna create a situation of bliss and happiness and I'm feeling unhappy in an area, I just always evaluate what I'm comparing at that time and I remove the comparison and it creates a happy situation. Remember this, when there's no comparison, there's always happiness. Where there is no comparison, unhappiness cannot exist. Comparison and unhappiness only coexist together. And so I will only leverage this very dangerous thing called comparison when it's an area I must change in my life to get leverage. For those of you that wanna create change, it's okay to leverage it from time to time. But when you become addicted to the mechanism of comparison to get you going, to competing to get you going all the time, when you're always competing against others, always comparing with others? People say, well, there's a difference between competing and comparing. Truthfully, not much. And the fact of the matter is to compete against somebody, you are typically comparing where you are to them. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But when you leverage that mechanism over and over, it's a pathway to unhappiness. When a woman goes out in the evening and she's feeling great about how she looks that evening and she walks in and she immediately compares herself to the other people in the room, she will inevitably find a woman that she thinks is more attractive than her and it steals your unhappiness for the entire evening. Men, same thing. Where, you know, maybe you've had some financial success and you're proud and you've gone out in your whatever, your new car or your new suit or you've got a new watch on or whatever, you're just feeling good about yourself and then immediately when you go out you begin to compare yourself to other men or other people. And what it will do is immediately steal all your joy. Or if you're a couple and you're having a beautiful date night and you happen to observe, you're comparing to other couples in the restaurant, for example, and there's just some couple who's more affectionate or holding hands differently or he opened the door for her and you immediately steal your joy and create unhappiness for the evening. When you compare the treatment of your partner in the relationship to how your girlfriend's husband or boyfriend treats them or if you're a male in a relationship and you compare it to how, one of your friends' wives or girlfriends treats them, you've immediately created a formula for unhappiness. There you will never win the comparison game if your outcome is happiness. You will win the comparison game if your outcome is change or pain avoidance. So you gotta get clear on what your outcomes are. There's areas of your life where comparison should never exist, and in most times that's your relationships with other people. Don't compare to a previous time in your relationship because it'll create unhappiness. Don't compare to other relationships or other people. So I understand in my life where to use this weapon and where to put it down. And if you want to create more bliss, if you want to create more connection in your life, you need to learn to put the weapon, the very dangerous weapon, the very insidious weapon of comparison down most of the time. And only pick it up where you want massive change. And the truth of the matter is there's probably one or two areas of your life at any given time that you're really working on changing and you can harness the power of the comparative relationship to your advantage there. But what vast majority of us do, and I know this from my own experience is we're always in comparison mode. We're comparing our home, our relationship, our fitness, our happiness, our strength, our energy, our looks, our brains, our accolades, our achievements to other people all the time. And we wonder why we live unhappy almost all of the time. It's because you're always comparing. You lose that every single time. You think, well, no. Sometimes I compare and I'm ahead. That's not how your brain works. Your brain is eventually looking for the person that you lose to. Your brain is eventually gonna find the better looking, funnier, wealthier, fitter, happier, better relationship having person to wire you for pain. It's a part of our brain that was wired all the way back for survival mode in order to keep us functioning. The reason that this is so important is we both have two parts of ourselves. We have a higher self and what I call a lower self. And it's okay to live in both those places, but most most happy people live in their higher self state the vast majority of the time. The higher self state is very inward. They are focused on themselves. They are focused on creating bliss and happiness. And their only thing that they ever focus on outside of there is their spirituality, the universe, their God, their connection with something bigger than them. Our lower self is always external. But we need to have that lower self because that lower self is that catalyst that gets us to move. That lower self does compete. That lower self does compare. It's a matter of having a life of both of success and fulfillment, happiness and achievement. Happiness is achieved in the higher self by not comparing and not going external, not thinking the external furniture of life or external people or comparing outside of ourselves or comparing to a different time outside of ourselves, that that that person right there that doesn't do that, they end up living very happily. The person who achieves leverages the lower self by competing and comparing when needed. And remember this also, the more we begin to learn about ourselves is always a win. The more we have a breakthrough and a discovery, there's probably some things I've said today that have made you think. There's probably some things you're evaluating and seeing in yourself that maybe you were blind to before, and just that discovery is a win. The more we begin to evaluate and discover what our thoughts really are, what our behaviors seem to be, our habits and our patterns, the more we become self aware, the more we have the capacity to live as the higher self and the more powerful it is when we leverage the lower self and we leverage comparison. And so don't beat yourself up over what I've covered today. Self awareness and self discovery is what life's all about, and it's a win even if you discover something about yourself you're not proud of, even if you discover something about yourself that you wish didn't exist or that you wanted to change. That's discovery. That awareness is 80% of the step to changing it. And so give yourself some credit today for being aware, for being honest. Oftentimes, when content like this is covered, people sort of like to check the box of who they'd like to be and that it doesn't apply as opposed to who they really are. The truth is everybody listening to this and the man speaking this to you is too often in the lower self, too often creating unhappiness in our lives, including me, by comparison to previous times, other people, other conditions in our lives. And so today my challenge to you is to live as the higher self, to create more happiness with less comparison, to only leverage it when needed, but leverage it to achieve. But to find happiness, we're always found in the higher self where we're not looking outside. You can probably tell by the way I've delivered this to you today that it's something that I'm working on myself. Self awareness, self discovery, self improvement and achievement are an ongoing process that never ends as we try to max out our lives. It's not something we figure out and now we've got it. There's always another level of awareness, of discovery, of performance that we can find in our lives. And if today helps you do that just a little bit, an extra discovery, a little bit more awareness, maybe something you would teach to someone else, if it was just a little bit of a breakthrough, then today was progress. And it was for me just to be covering it. And I also want you to know something, everybody, that one of the reasons I do this show and then I it was so important to me that you were here today because I just don't I think the world is more divided, more divisive, and more angry than it's ever been. Oh my gosh. Totally. And there needs to be a force for good in the world. Yeah. And I think that force for good is real people. It's a grassroots movement. It's entrepreneurs. It's mothers. It's fathers. Mhmm. It's good people saying, hey. We love each other. We don't agree on everything, but we love each other. We're all put here as the the foundation of our faith is that we're all brothers and sisters. Right? And so we're here to help one another, and that's what this is doing today. You said something, the antidote to that in Girl, Wash Your Face, which if you've not gotten this book, men and women both go get this book. It's, it's it I I I've probably never read a book so quickly. One thing about the book that's really interesting I wanted to tell you too is that usually when I have a book, I highlight the parts that I like. And this book was so good that I probably should have highlighted the parts that weren't meaningful to me because there's so much just highlighter all over the book. It's really true. It's just like every page, I'm just like Thank you. One thing you say in there is you say, and this is true for all of us, we need to drop this. She say comparison is the death of joy, and the only person you need to be better than is the one you were yesterday. So speak to that just for a second. Well, this is a massive I don't know if men experience this, but this is a massive problem with women is they are constantly comparing themselves to her life, to her Instagram feed, to her kids, to her marriage. They're comparing their real life to someone else's highlight reel. Sheesh. And so they are forever coming up lacking. They forever feel like they're not enough. And I get it because the the times that you tend to compare yourself are when you are most insecure about something. So you're like, well, I'm not sure how to do this. I'll look outside myself I always talk about when I was a new mom, that that was when I was most insecure. And so I would look at Pinterest. I would look at magazines. I would try and see like how does celebrity moms do it. Mhmm. And then I would just cry in a puddle on the ground because I couldn't get it together. Mhmm. Like, oh, she's got six pack abs with a two month old baby, and I'm still in the jeans that I was wearing, you know, at nine months. Mhmm. So comparison is the death of joy. And not only does it kill your joy, it kills your motivation. Mhmm. It kills your energy or your desire to move forward. It makes you more insecure. And so I I'm like, put your head down. It's like a math test in eighth grade. Keep your eyes on your own paper. Like, focus here. Stop looking at what everyone else is doing. Stop paying attention to her life and live your own. Yes. You like, start in this space. The the the only person you have to be better than is who you were yesterday. So good. Is my that's my why. That's my that is what I am on Earth. Like, what is my greatest value in the world is I wanna be a better version of myself every day. I love it. Like, I might not always get there, but every day I'm striving. I wanna be a better mom and wife and leader and teacher and writer and everything. It's like, ma'am, whatever you're doing, do is unto the Lord. Like, every day I'm trying to be better. And so, like, it doesn't matter if I'm not as great as 50,000,000 other people as long as, like, am I better than I was yesterday? Mhmm. Yeah. What what cogent advice? You're you're special. Like, this you're special. What you're doing is special, and so good. Along those lines, let me ask you some things people wouldn't ask you. Yeah. Life's changed for you. Right? And I think anytime people listen to this. Maybe you step to a new level or a new space. Yeah. Do you have any you talked about anxiety earlier. I know the answer to this, but I don't want you to answer it for them. But do you still find yourself with anxiety about the next level, the next space? Also, there's some pressure. I think sometimes I've I've stepped out. I don't wanna fall Yeah. Either. So speak to that for those there's different people at different levels, but there are people who's like, I've got to a new level. I got to a new promotion or Yeah. I have started a business. There's something new and then that extra can Yes. I think anxiety can hit. Are you experiencing any of that while you're dealing with it with this solution? Tell, like, this is such an incredible story and, like, a brag on who you are in your heart. But after the the book surpassed everything. Yeah. And, I, for months after it came out, really struggled. It was very overwhelming for me. And I, if you can't tell, I'm a fixer Yeah. And I don't like to live in a state of any kind of suffering. So for months, I'm I'm struggling and I can't get past it. And I write every book and I'm listening to pie I'm trying everything and I can't. And it was something you said on your podcast one day that really resonated with me, and it was like it was the answer to prayer. Mhmm. After months of of searching, you said something like, like with professional athletes Yes. You had had coached that there comes a a time in their lives and careers where the success surpasses the vision that they had for themselves Yeah. And they will unintentionally start to self sabotage Right. Because they're so uncomfortable with where they are Yeah. And that was me. Yeah. And I was like, holy Yeah. Holy crap. Yeah. And it was as simple as you're like, dream a bigger vision. Yeah. That's right. You need a bigger vision. Yep. So that was such a gift. Yeah. But navigating this has been has been a lot. Yeah. And it does feel like, holy smokes. This is a lot of responsibility, and I do now I have worked my butt off to get here. Yes. But I also believe God gave me this platform. Both are true. And so that is a massive responsibility, and I wanna do that well. Yes. So, yeah, it's it's a lot to it's a lot to navigate. And I wanna acknowledge that you're the right person, and you were chosen to do this, and you are special. Like, your whole existence has prepared you for this moment. Like, I really believe that about you. And one of the other things I've told you is that I also wanna help you. Like, I I I also think the other thing when you step into that new space is to dream that bigger vision and and also to seek out and surround yourself with people who are gonna support you and believe in you and push you and hold you accountable. And don't be afraid to ask for their help. Yeah. People like me, people like you Yeah. At the right time, we want to be there for you. I want to help you create this change. Because you're pioneering. You're trailblazing. Like Yeah. In in in five years and in ten years, there are going to be other they're not gonna be another you, but they're gonna be other women in this space creating a movement, making a difference, but you're really doing it right now. Right? I'm so I'm so proud of you. And Yeah. And people today are seeing why. Like, you're just a reservoir of realness, but also, like, real depth, real information. This content, you don't hear other places. And so Welcome back to the show, everybody. I have to tell you something. Today is a topic I've wanted to discuss on the show since it started, and I've been looking for an expert. I've been looking for the right person to deliver this information. Today's topic is happiness and well-being, longevity of your life as well because they're correlated. And there is a study that is called the adult develop the study of adult development, which is the single most fascinating study of my lifetime. I can't even believe this study exists. I I literally can't. It's fascinating what they've been able to do here. And the man who was the current director of that study is my guest here today. He's also among many of his accomplishments. He's the professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. So he must know a little bit about what he's talking about. Right? And we're gonna talk today about the all time amazing study. Eighty five years long, by the way, guys, almost on happiness with real evidence. This stuff is not gonna be opinion. This is evidentiary information. So, Robert Waldinger, welcome to the show. Thank you for being here. Thank you. I'm really glad to be here. You have to start out and take your time, please, by explaining the study, first of all, because it's mind blowing what the four directors, I think there's been four directors of the study, if I'm correct. What has been able to happen in tracking these people, who they are, how it started? Let's elaborate on that first. Sure. So the study started in 1938. Incredible. And it is the longest study of the same people across time that's ever been done. 724 original people then brought in spouses, brought in children. So now we have two generations, over 2,000 people who've been studied year after year for their whole lives. And that's what's so unusual. Most research gets done in snapshots, just taking a snapshot today of something. And so what's rare is that the study has continued. Usually studies close down because too many people drop out. Yep. Do you want me to tell you a little bit about what's in the study? Like, who's in it? Yeah. The first thing I think is first, because it's two very different groups of people that you studied, these men. I think it's important to know the backgrounds of the people that were studied so that the information is applicable to the people listening or watching. Absolutely. So starting out with one very privileged group and one very underprivileged group. The privileged group was a group of Harvard College sophomores, 19 year old guys who their deans thought were fine, upstanding young men. And then they want it was a study of sort of normal development from adolescence into young adulthood. So, you know, of course, if you wanna study normal development, you study all white guys from Harvard. Like, you know, you know, you know, kids. Right. So we're possibly having to explain to NIH why they should still fund us. Mhmm. And then the other study was started at Harvard Law School, and it was a study of juvenile delinquency. But it was a study of how some children from Boston's poorest and most troubled families, how those kids were able to stay on good developmental paths and not get into trouble. Mhmm. And so it was a a study of thriving, but a study of children who were born with so many strikes against them. Yeah. The fascinating part is some of those neighborhoods are where I was born. And so what drew Yeah, that Yeah, right. So that's what drew me to this study is because I'm at a stage of my life now where I do interact with people that have come from privileged backgrounds in their life. And obviously I have some privilege based on, you know, my ethnicity, etcetera, but to interact with different people. And I've always had this fascination to people from these wealthy backgrounds or privileged backgrounds end up being happier than people from a not so privileged background or a neighborhood like where I grew up. And the date is pretty much. Yeah, pretty much the spoiler or no? Yeah, let's do the spoiler first and then we're going to talk about what actually leads to real happiness, everybody, today. But spoiler alert is what? I I I I'm really open to knowing myself. Okay. The spoiler is that the the well-to-do privileged people were not on average happier than the inner city underprivileged group. Mhmm. No different. Well, no different, though. So the underprivileged group wasn't necessarily happier than the privileged group either, though. Correct? That's correct. Mhmm. That's correct. K. And there, you know, there was variation. We had some really happy people in both groups, some really unhappy people in both groups, and everything in between. Okay. So one last thing I want everybody to understand, then we're gonna get to the data. Because listen, ultimately the game of life, I had a situation happen. I'll share this with you. Several years ago, I've had the good fortune of building wealth in my life. And I was building this very beautiful mansion. It's my the first one I ever built. And it was a very stressful day and I was in a bad mood and I was angry. And I walked into what was the kitchen of this home that was being built for me, really angry with the contractor and life and, you know, you just all about me in the moment. And as I walked in, the gentlemen that were working in on my kitchen, the finished carpenters were all, people from Mexico, men from Mexico. And they had their mariachi music playing and they were dancing and singing and doing work that they were excellent at doing and loving their craft and being good at it and enjoying the company and the other relationships of the other men that were working with them. And I remember watching them thinking they're not making any money. They're sending most of this money back home to their family just to survive. Frankly, probably most of them aren't even in our country legally at the time. And I remember thinking to myself, if the game of life is happiness, they're winning and I'm losing. And it was a really watershed moment for me in my life that I think this work really points to as well. And so that's why your work matters so much to me. One last thing I want to have them understand too is the nature of the study, everybody. I'll let you elaborate. But this is not just about sending somebody a survey and they answer it back. The some of the intimacy of even the connections that you have with these people in their homes even. So elaborate on that so they know the depth of the study. Oh, yeah. So when they came into the study, you know, all boys and young men, workers went to their homes, interviewed their parents, wrote notes about what was being served for dinner, what the disciplinary style was, all those things, And then elaborate medical exams of the young men, psychological exams. And then as they went through their lives, we began to bring online different methods of studying well-being. So audiotaping them, videotaping them, talking to their partners about their biggest fears. We drew blood for DNA, which I think is so cool because in 1938, DNA wasn't even imagined. Right. Right. And here we were studying it, putting people in the MRI scanner and scanning their brains while we showed them different pictures. Mhmm. We brought them into our laboratory and deliberately stressed them out and then saw how they recovered from stress. Mhmm. So all of this as different angles on the same big question about what makes people thrive as they go through life. How do you measure happiness? That was the last thing I wanted to understand. How do you know if they're happy? Well, we asked people. That's one way. Mhmm. But, you know, we had people who said they were happy but didn't look happy. So we asked other people. Mhmm. Do you think your partner's happy? Do you think your dad's happy? Interesting. You know, do so we asked that. We also videotaped them Gosh. Like, having an argument with their partners and then watched, like, how angry did they get? Was their affection still there? So we we did all kinds of things as a way to get at happiness from different angles. It's amazing, you guys. I told you all. So here we go. Now we're going to get into it. Now we've laid the groundwork. So what's the turnout? Let's just, let's, it's not a complete spoiler alert because there's so many layers to this. But what makes one happy? Is it the pursuit of a a goal? Is it wealth, achievement, religion? What are the things that you found, make somebody happy? Yeah. Well, we found that it wasn't those things. So it wasn't wealth. It was not achievement. It wasn't fame. And we had people who had all those things in our study. Some other people you know, we had John F. Kennedy. We had Ben Ben Bradley, longtime editor of The Washington Post. And I can only tell you those names because they talked about it themselves. Otherwise, we protect everybody's privacy. But wealth, fame, achievement didn't do it. Religion didn't do it. Now what that means is it didn't mean that they made you unhappy. It meant that wealth, fame, high achievement, religion are simply different from well-being, different from happiness. Okay? Now that said, what that means is we have famous people who were happy, famous people who were unhappy, all the way down the line. Right? Now that said, what we also know is that having your basic material needs met is crucial to your happiness. So Interesting. But when they do studies of this, they they've studied, well, how much does your happiness go up as you make more money? Mhmm. And what they find is that your happiness does go up Mhmm. Until you reach about $75,000 a year annual household income. This is a few years ago in The US. But basically, to have your basic needs met. And then after that, as you make more and more money, you know, up to 75,000,000, you know, a billion, your happiness doesn't go up much. A little bit, not really very much. Interesting. And that's important. I like the distinction you made. What is important too is that happiness is an emotion. So as your wealth goes up, you may potentially be able to contribute more, give more. There are things of that nature, protect people. So there's not that there aren't positive emotions achieved correlated with achievement or wealth, but happiness turns out not to be one of them. Well, you know and and let me qualify that a little bit, Ed, because because it's important. Like, it so getting a badge of achievement. So the ultimate achievement, what, the Nobel Prize, doesn't make you happier or less happy. Mhmm. But doing work that's meaningful to you, that does make you happy. That is a source of fulfillment. K. So it's not the badge itself, but doing the work. So let's say, you know, you're bringing a lot of ideas to to a lot of people. Mhmm. And I expect that means something to you. I expect you care about that. You're right. And we think of that as a source of well-being, a source of happiness. Well, I think it's correlated to where you're going, though. I I think contribution involves something in life, which is other human beings. And so the nature of your work is so profound because if people can really understand this, they can link it back to the contributions and achievements of their life because they involve where you believe real wealth comes from after this study, which is where I want you to really elaborate on this because I think everyone needs to hear this. This is it, guys. Like, this is a moment in many of your lives where it's gonna confirm what you intuitively, probably what you already probably think, but maybe needs confirmation and maybe needs more intention, a little bit more focus. I think sometimes, like, I'm gonna be more intentional about getting more money, or I'm gonna be more intentional about getting a bigger house, or getting this promotion. And when I get there, then I'm gonna be happier than I am now. And we've we put our intentions there potentially most of our lives and many of the people in the study missing the very thing that would have brought them the emotion everyone on earth wants more of. You don't want the jet. You want the jet because you think it'll make you happier. You don't want to be fit and super ripped and attractive. You think it'll make you happier. And so what we're really seeking, that conversation behind everything, in my opinion, is we want to be happier. And and so what is that thing? You you go ahead and elaborate. Well, that thing is our relationships with other people. Yeah. What we found studying these thousands of lives is that the people who had the warmest connections with other people and who made that a priority in their lives, they were happiest as they went through their lives, but also they stayed healthiest, and they lived longer. Interesting. And that's the thing. Actually, we didn't believe that when we started to find it. Mhmm. In the 1980s, our data began to show this and we thought, oh, this might be a fluke. This might not be real. And then other studies began to find the same thing. Mhmm. Because the question was I mean, it stands to reason I'll be happier if I have happy relationships. But how could good relationships make it less likely that you get coronary artery disease or type two diabetes or arthritis? Like, how could that be? So now we've been spending the last ten years in our lab and and many other labs have been studying this, trying to understand how do relationships actually get into your body and shape your physiology. And so that's what we're studying. Is it the amount of relationships you have or the quality of the ones that you maintain in your life? It's not the amount. So there's no set number. Like, one of the things we know is that we're all like, some of us are introverts, shy. Some of us are extroverts. No. Nothing wrong with being shy. And we know that that introverts want fewer people in their lives. That being with a lot of people is exhausting for introverts. Mhmm. And that's perfectly healthy and normal. So there's no set number of friends or connections you should have. What we do believe is that everybody needs at least one or two relationships that where they feel like this person will be there for me if I really need them. That what at one point, we asked our original participants. We said, who could you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or scared? List everybody. And most of our folks could list, you know, several people, but some of them could not list anyone. And some of those people were married and they couldn't list anyone. No way. Wow. Yeah. So we think that everybody, whether you're shy or a party animal, you need at least one or two people who are your go to safety net people. There's something unique about you, Ed, that's no one else. And I'm not saying this because you're here. I don't think I've said this to anyone on the show. There's someone unique about you that I don't think I've ever experienced around anyone else. There's an essence. There's a presence. There's a power, a command, an authority, a humble confidence. There's, like, this essence about you. Thank you. And I'm really curious, what do you think made you you? Yeah. What were the elements growing up that made you all the things you are now? Was it the, you know, pre 13 kind of everything that happened with your parents? Was it stuff more from school? Was it, a relationship that really kind of flipped these things on for you? Mhmm. What were the elements early on that made you this commanding kind presence today? Well, thank you for that. I, thank you. That's nice to hear. I, because by the way, I love people that have that combo. Like, I love people with a lot of self confidence, a lot of humility. So people with a lot of humility that have no self confidence, you're kind of dragging them through life as a friend. Someone with all their self confidence and no humility, they're gonna burn out. They're gonna make a mistake. They're not curious. They don't grow. I think that I think even the reason I'm in the personal development space why do I believe so much that people can change? I watched my dad do it. And then in my case, I had to learn these things, man, to be like a baseline functioning person. So my default personality is, insecure. Even today? Even today. Come on. Very much. Really? Very much. How is that default? You wake up and you say, I'm a nobody or what? What's going on? What's the score? I lack this. I'm fooling everybody. Really? If they really knew, you know, pretty some imposter syndrome mixed with just like tremendous I was bullied as a kid. My dad was an alcoholic. I wasn't a real big guy. The only thing I wasn't good in school. The only thing I was good at was sports. A lot like with you, you were a great athlete. So my default is tons of insecurity. So that's probably never gonna go away, the humility part. So the part that I've worked on really hard is the self confidence part. And so I've got all the stuff in the book on those tips and what have I done to build it because I had to get there just to get to baseline. And then I'm like, this stuff works. What if I refined it and made it my own and started to build these other strategies and stuff? So the confidence part is a thing I'm always gonna have to work on. Even today, even with all the success and the, you know, the massive show and the big businesses and all the homes and everything that people see Yeah. And the truth is What else do you need, though, to feel more confident? I don't need other things. It's an internal game. I don't need other stuff. In other words, the the stuff is really fleeting and temporary. So I don't need another, you know I bought an island lately. You know that. Right? Like, when I bought this island, they didn't give me they didn't make me more confident. It just was something that I've always wanted to be able to do. Uh-huh. But I I, it's not stuff. What needs to happen for me is that I'm most confident when I'm living in my intention, which is to serve, which is to, like, help other people. When I'm not doing that, Wayne Dyer, when I met him really, really young, told me, You're gonna change the world, Ed Mylett. And I'm like and then he I'm sure he said this to a lot of people, but he complimented me. I met him on a beach. We watched the sun come out together in Maui. Yeah. I was running on the beach. That's where he lived. Yeah. I was running on the beach and we were What was he like? I never met him. Incredible. So we became a dear friend of mine. But I'm running, you know, you get up before the sun comes up. I'm running on this. I had won this incentive trip. And there's this bald dude running towards me with this hairy back. I'll never forget this sweaty hairy back. And it was so long ago because I had a Sony Walkman on. Wow. And he had one, and he ran by me. I go, that was Wayne Dyer. And I said, Doctor. Dyer, you changed my life. And he had this deep voice like mine, and he pulls it in and goes, well, I doubt that. Wow. And he goes, I bet you changed your life. But he goes, how did I help you? And then he walked towards me and we I get emotional. Like, God's been so good to me. We sat on this beach together and watched the sun come up for about an hour and a half. And about an hour into it, he goes, you're going to change the world. And I'm sure he said this to a lot of people. And he's like, and it's you're very talented. You're brilliant. You're a good communicator. You know? And he goes, and that's not the reason why. And he was writing a book at that time called The Power of Intention. That's a great book. Great book. Incredible book. And he goes, you really intend to help people. And he goes, all these things with your father and your upbringing and all that, Ed, he goes, that's all made you. And he goes, you have such a heart to want to help people. And he goes, would you do me a favor if we never meet again? And we ended up meeting many times. I said, Yeah. And he said, Never link your confidence to your ability because I know you struggle with your confidence. If it's predicated on your abilities or your achievements, you're always going to be chasing it. He goes, But if you'd link your confidence to your intentions, man, do you have beautiful intentions. And that is something I knew about me. I know I have a good heart and I've never forgotten that. So when I do a podcast or a speech, I just connect to my intent, you know, and it's it's been the one thing that's brought me confidence. Because if you said, hey, Ed, you gotta be confident because you're great or you got a house or you have a plane. I go, yeah, but, yeah, but. But if you go, you gotta be confident because you have beautiful intentions to help you. But I go, I might have to list you. You might be right. Yeah. Yeah. And that's where my confidence comes from. So as an athlete, I gained confidence from results. Mhmm. From actually getting the result of becoming better. Yeah. Right? I was That's one way to get it. Right. I was not good and then I put in the effort. Yep. And all the mistakes or the failures of the feedback, well, I have to call it, gave me the lessons and taught me how to get better to accomplish the result that I was looking for. Achieve the goal, win the game, or just improve my abilities. Mhmm. So I'm hearing you say is link also link, confidence to intention. Mhmm. Some people say link it to the effort. Mhmm. Right? Like the effort that you show up Mhmm. That you just keep showing up, and others talk about the results. Yep. Should we be thinking about it? There's two I have a whole I have the I call it the holy trilogy in the book of of self confidence. What is this? But I've the the confidence trilogy is faith. Have confidence. So if you're a person of faith, no matter what you believe in Uh-huh. It's amazing to me how people that believe in energy, quantum energy, or they believe in they're a Christian like me, and I believe in both, by the way. Yeah. But whatever their their faith is, that, they have it on Sunday. They have it in Bible study, or they have it when they get together with their friends or when they meditate. But somehow when they walk into a business meeting, they they're alone. Mhmm. So why are you alone then, but you're not alone these other times? So I'm never alone. So that's number one. Number two is my intention. And third is my associations change my confidence. But here's the biggie. If you don't have self confidence, here's what you have. You have a really bad reputation with yourself. Yes. You have built a habit of not keeping the promises you make to yourself. We've all heard this before. But there's a level. I have a book, chapter in the book called One More Standard. Here's how I built what I would call almost superhuman confidence in spite of my insecurity. Think about that. Superhuman confidence in spite of my insecurity. And it's exactly what you just said. It's an effort play. If you don't have self confidence, you've never kept the promises you make to yourself. Check that box. If you have self confidence, you've started to keep the promises you make to yourself. If you want to have superhuman self confidence, you keep the promises you make to yourself and one more. So if I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna work out and I'm gonna do 10 reps in the gym, I do one more. If I'm gonna do forty five minutes on the treadmill, I do one more. If I wanna make 10 contacts in a day, I do that and one more. If I'm gonna tell my daughter I love her every day, I'm gonna do that and one more. And so that higher standard because in life, we don't get our goals, we get our standards long term. And so if your standard is one more, starts what starts to happen is you go, I'm willing to do things other people aren't willing to do, and I combine that that I have great faith, great associations, and I intend to help people. This is a formula to build wonderful self confidence and never lack humility when you have it. So when did you learn this one more mindset? Was this from your dad early on or was this It's from my dad. So we talked about this, you know, a little bit earlier, but my dad had these couple theories he would always say to me. And so one was when he got sober, he gave it one more try. He was gonna stay sober one day at a time. And then my dad, there's no dreaming in my house. There's no like, my jet, you know, I've been blessed, I've had like multiple airplanes, right, in my life. My jet was in almost walking distance of my dad's house. He's never been on any of them. Wow. And I would say to my dad, I would say, hey, let's go play golf in Maui. Let's go. There's these great golf courses in the ocean. And my dad would say, well, why would I go all the way to Maui to play golf with my favorite person, my son, when we can play here in Chino? It's not about there, I wanna be with my son. So this my family had none of that stuff. But my dad knew I was a dreamer, and my dad would always say, you know, I was one decision away from changing my life the whole time. One choice. And he'd say, Eddie, you're not as far away from these dreams as you think you are. And I'd say, Really, dad? And he'd go, No. You're actually a lot closer than you think. But because you think it's so far away, you behave in accordance with that belief system and it always keeps it that far away from you. So, how do we bring our dreams closer to us? The first thing is, that's a great question, the first thing is you need to believe and know that you're one decision, one relationship, one meeting, one book, one thought, one something away from a completely different life. And when you know that, then you begin to look for them. And so, in the second chapter of the book, I have a thing in the book called the matrix. And your matrix is your reticular activating system in your brain. It's the filter for your entire life. Okay? And this filter reveals to you the world that's in front of you. Again, an example of it is, I just I like what Musk is doing. So I just bought a Tesla. I drove it here today. You got a Tesla too, though? Model x or what do you got there? I got a Plaid. Okay. Wow. I got a Plaid. It's a good one. Nice. And so I bought this Plaid, and all of a sudden, man, everywhere I go, there's Tesla's. Everywhere. Everywhere. They're everywhere. I'm like, woah. I see them everywhere. Three lanes over, other side of the road. Freaking Tesla. This is crazy. They were always there. Yeah. Why didn't I see them before? Because they weren't part of my RAS. So the key thing I teach you in the book, how to slow down time and create the matrix of your life, when you make the teslas of your life, those relationships, those meetings, those thoughts, those encounters. You can very easily do this, but there's a process of repeated visualization you do that's not complicated. It's chapter two of the book, and it will shift you. The other component to, I have a chapter in the book called Become an Impossibility Thinker and a Possibility Achiever. Here's how most people's frameworks. They don't have an RAS program. They're not intentional. So they keep getting if the things most important to you are your worries, fears, anxieties, problems, bills, you will continue to have people, places, and things revealed to you that confirm it. And if you operate out of your memory and your history, if this is your pattern, your framework, you will continue to find those things. You need to learn to operate out of your imagination and your dreams. This is a different framework for life. Imagination is different than dreaming. Imagination causes you to create dreams and thoughts that never happen. When you imagine something, you create a space. Once you have a thought, this is powerful. When you have a thought, you create a space that did not exist in the world before you had that thought. And that space now exists. And the way your brain works and your life works and the universe works is it tries to furnish that space, whether it's a negative or a positive thought. It starts to hear things it wouldn't hear. That's why like when you're in a crowded room and they say, Lewis. You can hear Lewis auditorily over all the noise. Why? It's in your RAS. It's why you see the Tesla. Okay? So, it the key thing is being able to operate out of this imagination. Why is imagination so important? When you were a child, three, four, five years old, you were probably happier than you are right now. Why? Two reasons. A, you were closer to God. You had just been with God more recently. And two, you operated out of your imagination. You didn't operate out of a history and a memory because you didn't have one. And slowly over time, by the time you were 10, 11, 12 years old, loving people installed their limiting thoughts and beliefs, their software into you. Because most things in life are caught, not taught. You catch them. Wow. And so now you're starting to operate of history and memory, and you repeat it, and your RAS begins to see the things that reinforce that history and memory. And so you basically have the same life over and over again with a different cast of characters in a different environment, but the same emotions. You have the same emotional home. My dad used to say to me, every call bro, till the day he died and I'm 50 years old, blah blah blah, whatever we're talking about. Last thing he would always say to me, be careful. Be careful. What the heck? And I go Careful with what? I don't know. I never knew. But what is that programming from the time you're eight years old? Be careful. Hey. Go to school. Be careful. So with that, it operated on this fear thing. Right? Oh, I need to be careful. I need to be careful. But don't make this risk. Don't take that business decision. Don't start a podcast. Don't get on that stage and speak. Don't do this. Don't do that. You say that to an already unconfident, insecure person. He meant it lovingly. By the time I'm 50 worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Be careful. He didn't even know he was saying it to me. But what was he doing? He was installing, God bless him, his limiting beliefs into me as a little boy. So a lot of these things that you believe, you were defenseless when you started to believe them. They were installed in you by loving people who were around you. And even though your life may look differently, your emotional home, the four, five, six emotions you experience pretty regularly, might be very familiar from your parents, one or two of them. Right? And so you need to look at your emotional home. What's your most powerful emotion and the emotion that you wish you could let go of? Love is the most powerful emotion in the world. We will all do everything for love. If there were more love in the world, the way we treat one another, the way we express our thoughts, you know, you'll do anything for love. Right? So love is by far my most powerful emotion. It's like, like I love you. Then like when I just saw you, we didn't just like people we didn't just hug for like one second. Yeah. And you do this better than I do. Yeah. Hold people. I make it uncomfortable because I just wanna hug and love our people. But it's not uncomfortable, bro. Right. Right. Because the reason you're so successful is you truly do love people. Yeah. And you come from that place. Mhmm. And I know we're bigger dudes, and, like, like that's a beautiful expression of a man. A real man is capable of real love. That's a sign of real strength. So that's the most powerful one. And then for me, I know the emotion that I wish I didn't have. It's chaos. Really? I How often do you experience chaos? Mostly because I'm aware of it. But I gotta tell you all the time till about five years ago, even when we first met, why? I used to I used to even say this. Man, I operate great under chaos. Man, you should see me operate under chaos. Most people can't handle chaos. I'm calm under pressure. Well, the reason for that was I grew up in an alcoholic home. So I'm very familiar with chaos. It became a very familiar emotion. And what we do is we gravitate towards the familiar emotions in our life, even if they're not ones that serve us. And I don't think there's negative or positive emotions. I say this in the book. There just are. Yes. Fear isn't negative. It fear in abundance is negative. But some fear, being afraid to do this podcast, say, to some extent causes us to prepare. Mhmm. So a dose of it, it it was given to us in the caveman days, so T Rex didn't eat us. Right? So some fear is good, some anxiety is okay. Some frustration, some anger is appropriate. It's to the dosage level. And we get these four or five of them. For me, some chaos is okay. It's fun, it's exciting, it's exhilarating, right? But getting it every day, every week, every month, all the time. And so how do you get rid of it? Well one way you get rid of it is just to be awareness. When you have an awareness of a thought, it loses its impact and power over you. It almost becomes like this, I'll do it, I'm like, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm doing the chaos thing. Everything's great right now. Yeah. Yeah. All the houses are paid off, my kids are happy, married to a great woman, got great friends. I'm doing the chaos thing again, aren't I? You dummy, you're doing it again. And it kinda loses its power over you. So I have a chapter in the book called One More Emotion, and how to take an inventory of the emotions you have. And so, yeah, man. Mine's definitely love, and the one I don't want is chaos. Because chaos causes me to act out of anger and frustration. It can depress me. And your intentions are not gonna be as, I guess. Pure. It's a gateway emotion. Mhmm. Chaos is my gateway emotion to the ones I don't want. Chaos gives me stress. Chaos gives me anger. Chaos gives me frustration. Chaos gives me fear. So it's a gateway emotion. What is the result when you create from that space of chaos? It's funny. I have been I have found the ability to externally create something pretty productive. Right. But stay with me on this. But the process in getting there is destructive. The process in getting there is not beautiful. And I used to think that a lot of successful people Forcing your way to get the results. Almost through force. Yeah. You know? And the and I still do it sometimes. I'm thinking of a situation this week where I did it. And I used to think, well, that's a superpower though because I've created all these external Look what I made. Look what I did. Yeah. And I'm doing it because of that. The truth is I did it in spite of it. You did. And there's a lot of things in our lives that we have linked to our formula, our recipe of success that we hold on to, that you've done in spite of those things, not because of those things. So you're 51 now? 52? 51? When you were 40, on a scale of one to 10 of that, the self confident happiness joy scale, 10 being like you loved yourself fully, you were peaceful, you had an abundant mindset, you were had inner peace, you know, joy, one being you hated yourself, you were miserable, you're in chaos twenty four seven, where were you on that scale at 40? Okay. The real answer is probably a three Okay. Of happiness. Uh-huh. And but if you met me, I could convince you that it was probably an eight. That you were super happy and you had it together? Probably a three. And since your father passing, where are you now? Probably a nine. Really? Yeah. And I no longer feel the need to convince you. Uh-huh. Because I've learned that this has already existed within me. I didn't have to go get it. I just had to allow myself to experience it. And it took me a long time to treat myself in such a way that I allowed myself to feel these things that have always been there. I had them when I was a little baby boy. I just lost them along the way in these patterns and programs that were installed in me and my experiences. And I gotta share something with you, brother, that just dawned on me. I wrote this whole book. And, two weeks ago, I had this I just this is just for me and you, but everybody can hear it. Sure. And it I've always tried to disqualify myself. I've always, you're not this Why is that? It always shocks people, even people that know me really well. They're like, not you. I have that, but there's no way you have it. Right? Yeah. You're too confident, too talented, too all those things. I don't know that I'm too talented, but I think I can fake it pretty well. And, I disqualify myself because, you know, the truth is that maybe for a while, everything that I got that was loved when I was a child only came when I achieved something. So I started to conflate early on in my life recognition and significance with love. In other words, my dad would love me if I hit the home run. My dad would love me if I get straight A's. And so then when I would feel these things. But something really and also, like, I'm really big at holding myself. I love to beat myself up with mistakes I've made. I did this. I did that. I should have done this. I didn't do that. And I've always thought these mistakes, these weaknesses of mine, disqualify me from being happy or helping people. And this amazing breakthrough, the one decision that changed my family forever is my dad's decision to get sober. And it changed my family forever. I'm talking to you because my dad made that decision. And I've always been so proud of my dad for that. But this is just two weeks ago. 03:15 in the morning, I wake up, I'm crying, and I wake Christiana up. I go, babe, someone helped dad. And she went, what, honey? I said, someone helped dad. She goes, what do you mean? I said, babe, I never thought about this. In my dad's darkest, worst moment of his life, in some coffee shop or some room somewhere, some precious soul helped my dad. Reached out to him, talked to him. Talked to him and got him sober. Wow. And I said, babe, that's not the powerful part and I have no idea who this person is but I wonder if they know the difference they made in Max and Bella's, my cheetahs lives or your life Wow. With the millions of people I've helped, that one decision they made. And she goes, oh my gosh. I said, I never thought about this beautiful human being. Always gave the credit to my dad, but some stranger helped him. And I said, babe, this is the bananas part. Do you know what qualified them to help my dad? Their messed up life. Wow. They were an alcoholic. They were a drug addict. Little did that person know the things they were the most ashamed of, the biggest mistakes of their lives when they were using drugs and drinking and stealing, that was qualifying them to change my dad's life. And all of us, we run around carrying these bags of I'm not qualified because I made this mistake, I had this bankruptcy, this relationship didn't work, I did this thing you don't know about. I'm so ashamed of. That's why you're qualified. That's the thing that qualifies you. Yeah. The humanness in you. You are the only human being with your combination of gifts that you were given, whatever they are, and your experience. Mhmm. And real human beings help real human beings by being vulnerable and transparent saying, I know where you are. I've messed up worse. Right. I've made greater mistakes. I felt more I know that depression. I know that anxiety. I know that shame. I know what that feels like. That beautiful soul who was a drug addict and alcoholic, they didn't know all those mistakes they're making were leading them out of their heart, and they finally got to a point where their intention was to help my father. Mhmm. In the lowest moment of his life, they changed my dad's life. And they changed mine, and maybe me and you were changing a few today because of that person's mess. It's crazy. Is that crazy? That's amazing. I know. I know. Love them and thank them. That's amazing, man. There's a lot of talk in personal development, breaking patterns. I talk about all the time. You do. Tony does. There's also a lot of power in leveraging them. And this idea, there's two things that are gonna move every human being Dean's told you. It's either to avoid pain, moving from pain, or to gain pleasure. Absolutely. And, usually, most human beings I I think, in general, pain avoidance is the stronger of the mechanism, but it works for both people. You need to know which one moves you. So you've already said yours is pain avoidance. Yep. Right? So is mine. The truth is I've become a pretty big dreamer visionary guy, but I wasn't. Yeah. It took me a long time to get there. Long time to get there. And the fact is I only really got really good at that after certain dreams were achieved. But why? I had to figure out which one moves me more. Okay? Avoiding pain moves me more even to this day. Why? It's it's more familiar to me. Yep. I grew up in pain. So go take a look at the video of your life. Did you grow up in a really beautiful environment with lots of love and dreams and bliss and all this great stuff? Maybe your mover is more bling dreams and bliss. If you grew up in some pain, chaos, angst, fear, anxiety, stress, that's probably your pattern. And instead of trying to spend all your life breaking that pattern, there's part parts of it you need to break your be your behavior from it. But the mechanism itself for change for me is pain and pain avoidance. I'm familiar with lots of pain. And so to this day, why do I prepare for speeches or podcasts or things so bad? Is it because I want the pleasure of a great podcast? Yeah. That's their You don't wanna screw up? I don't wanna screw up. Yeah. I don't wanna make a mistake. I don't want it not to be good. Why do I work so hard? It's to make difference in the world, obviously. You I don't think anybody listening would know the kind of work you put in it. Seriously, I I don't either. I I don't think they'd know that you start at 03:30, gonna do four podcasts, then you're gonna jump. You're gonna go take a suit. You're gonna go do an event tonight. You're gonna get up in the morning, fly someplace. I don't think anybody would realize it. Are you doing that because you wanna sell more books, or are you doing it because you don't I don't wanna just sell one. Right. I'm doing it. Now now you've evolved because you know every time a book gets in someone hand, you get to change their lives. I do. Right? So you just nailed it. I was just gonna say the other part of it is impact for me. Right. So you know the impact. Yep. But you're not saying but I know for a fact you're getting up tomorrow morning. Subconsciously Yes. Not saying I'm getting up tomorrow because I don't wanna you're getting up subconsciously because you don't wanna fail because that pain hurts. It's a major And everybody told us we weren't gonna make it, and our parents probably thought we weren't gonna make it and all that kind of stuff. Stuff. It's a major driver. And by the way, my impact stay with me on this because I know you're this way too because you grew up in pain. The impact I make still comes from pain, meaning this. I know so many people are in pain. And because I connect with their pain, their lack of belief in themselves, they're feeling invisible, they're hurting right now, they wanna be happier, that connection of pain is still the impact I wanna make. So a lot of it is connected somehow to pain in my life, and it is for you too. It's like, one is avoiding the pain of failing or not being successful or not ending up in heaven, which is that picture of who I'm capable of becoming. Like, do I really wanna just get to heaven, or is it the pain of not becoming that man? It's both. But, also, even the impact part where I go, I wanna make an impact in people's lives is because I connect with pain. I connect with the discomfort. Wanna get it out of them. I wanna get out of them. Yeah. So that's a major driver for me is pain. And I know my map, and I know my pattern. And that's why so many athletes, by the way, when their career's over, they have a very difficult time. One, their identity was tied to their athleticism, but also there's no pain to avoid anymore. Now they're getting pat on the back. You were great. I loved your games. There's no pain to avoid. There's nothing to fill. So I I gotta think you're that way too. I am. And and and the only reason I share that is because I hope you don't use pain to be successful for the rest of your life. But you can use it as that launching pad. Yep. It's a leverage. And you can use it as a launching pad to start the business, to show up for the challenge, to play full out, to do something uncomfortable. Right? The the term I've been using since COVID is we all need to take more uncomfortable action. Did it surprise you that I said I don't wanna just sell one book, or did you think that's what I was gonna say? I knew that's what you're gonna say. Okay. Yeah. Because it's me. Right? I play like I'm 10 points down. Tony and I are doing this challenge. Right? We're gonna put a million people in it. That's the goal. Last year, we put 900,000 in. Right? Crazy. And it changed a million people's lives. Yep. Right? This year, I I attacked this, Ed, as if two people are gonna show up. Yep. Because I know if you show up, I know the end result. I saw hundreds of thousands of comments a day of, like, oh my god. I didn't know it was gonna be like this. Oh my god. I love you, Tony. I love you, Dean. I love thank you. Thank you. And you know that driver just like the com I see the comments coming in for your book. You wanna sell another 200,000 copies in the next two weeks so you can help people. Yeah. I will play like I'm 10 points down through this entire challenge. I will rehearse. I've already watched the last two years that we did this. I watched what Tony did. I watched what I did. He's doing the same thing. We're prepping. If people are gonna show up, up Mhmm. Even though we wanna deliver something that's transformational Yep. But I'm gonna look through the lens of not wanting to fail still because that's how that's this the I'm avoiding the pain of it not working at the level of the impact that I wanna make. Yep. Right? Yep. And and I know we went down a couple different rabbit holes, but I just wanna give people permission today heading into a recession, heading into a shifting world. Again, I hope it doesn't, but it looks like an economic winter is here. I'm gonna tell you, use whatever leverage you can use Agreed. To move. Yep. Just move in a direction. Investigate. Look where the puck is going. Look for something different. Explore question every story that comes into your head. Know your enemy. That story that's already screwed you over and cost you too much, you know that. How do you shift that story? How do you barricade it? How do you not let it in? How do you talk to someone? Like, whatever you gotta do, I just believe this is a crucial time. I do too in people's lives. And I think that when you do the next there's this analogy in antiaging. David Sinclair, doctor David Sinclair has been on my show a few times, and he goes, hey. If you can get to, like, 75 in this day and age, you're probably gonna live to a 100 if you can get to 75. And in the world today, I really believe that if you can get this next two years nailed Yeah. You've got twenty year type multipliers of wealth, bliss, and happiness in your life if you can get the but if you don't these next two years, I think the difficulty of getting there is magnified by a huge factor. I think right now is a chance to get way ahead. That same analogy to get to 75 gets you to a 100. Then if you can get these next two years, just momentum. You have to make millions of dollars, but you just get momentum. You get in your groove. You get moving. But if you stay stagnant, another couple years, you don't get something going. The longer you do that, it's harder to get that sucker going again. And I feel like it'll be much harder. Those people that get moving now they get and by the way, it might evolve. You may start marketing one thing right now, and it evolves into something else over time, but you've gotta get in motion right now. Do you agree with that? Oh, true story. Yeah. I heard somebody say it's a strategic byproduct. How many times in life have we had a goal? And when we have the nerve to go after the goal, we find something that's a strategic byproduct, the goal that's way bigger. Way bigger. You never thought you'd have one of the top podcasts in the world, one of the top books in the world. It's a strategic byproduct of you going all in on your businesses, wanting to impact others. Right? That's a great point. So know that when whether it's god, the universe, rewards you for just having in there to go after it. And usually your goal, you're something so much bigger or something different that actually aligns with you. Yep. There's a couple things I I I think as we as we're at this point in the podcast, I wanna say this. There's a couple things. If you're gonna protect yourself, build a moat. Build a moat on your emotions. And and what I'd say is the news is gonna get worse. That's a fact. Conversations with your negative friends is gonna get worse. Mhmm. That's a fact. I would say, if you really want to stop dabbling you know, it's somebody who said they wanna lose weight, but when no one's watching, they're they're eating the wrong food. Or someone says they wanna start the business, but when no one's watching, they're binging out on Netflix. Mhmm. You know if you're that person, and I'm not knocking it. If that's who you are, enjoy it, live it, but don't say you want it. Don't talk out of two sides of your mouth. Like, either go all in, burn the boats, and do it, or just accept the life that you have. Like, I I hate to be real, but you can't lose weight and not work out and eat bad. Like, it just doesn't or you can't make more money, have Ed's life or someone else's life that you see. You can't have that without putting the work in. Mhmm. So if you're gonna put the work in, you have to have the mindset to be committed and dedicated to it. Right? We have to be disciplined. Yeah. What robs discipline is lack of confidence Mhmm. Insecurity, uncertainty, whatever word you wanna use. So here's what I'm gonna share. What are the things that make you uncertain or lack of confidence? I would build a moat around those things. If there's certain people in your life that are gonna make you feel insecure, believe me, it's gonna feel worse during a recession and tough time. Spend less time with them or find a way to be a mirror or be a Teflon. If watching the news, whether it's CNN, MSNBC, or Fox, whatever one you wanna watch, if when you watch the news, you get frustrated, you get scared, you get uncertain, you get pissed off, Stop watching the news. You need that energy for you. So what I'd say is I would figure out the things that rob your confidence and rob your certainty, and this is gonna sound like, oh, Dean's really smart, is do less of those. Mhmm. Like, especially over this next year. Mhmm. You wanna, like, you you wanna take a challenge? Go on a thirty day news diet. Don't talk about it. Don't watch the news. Don't talk and spend a 100% of that energy on you two point o. Spend take the next thirty days and do not surf the Internet. All of you are getting sucked into let me just see what Ed Mylett did, and an hour later, like, oh my god. I just burned an hour online. Right? I would say just find the things. Avoid the things that rob your confidence. Don't talk to the negative people that are hurting you. Don't focus on your weaknesses. Identify who your villain is, who that inner that inner story that's already cost you too much, and protect yourself against it. Investigate to where the puck is going. You do those things, and this time, you're ahead of 95% of the world, and they're simple. That's not I didn't give you a business plan. Yep. I gave you just the the foundation of of what can make you thrive in this shifting time. When I hear you say all those things, I think about energy. I think about do things that preserve and increase your energy and don't deplete them. So if there's people around you that rob your energy, you gotta reduce it. If there's things you're doing that take your energy, whether it's worry, fear, surfing the internet, watching news, those other things. Energy, you know, and we all talk about it. I don't know who's first at it or whatever, but energy is influence. We've talked about this a lot. Tony talks about it a lot. You do. I do. And energy is also the most important commodity you can possibly have in your life. And you're gonna watch a bunch of people, whether you call it words, thoughts, etcetera. You're gonna watch a lot of people starting now through the next two or three years of their lives. You're gonna watch their energy change. Yep. You're gonna watch their vibrational frequency shrink. You're gonna watch them shrink, and that's incumbent upon you to feed your energy right now. That's podcast. That's books. That's events. That's a challenge like what you're doing right now with Tony. You gotta feed your energy. Highest energy wins. Highest energy will win. And those Yeah. Amen to that, buddy. Tell you, everyone's energy is going to evolve and change. It is difficult when everyone's thriving. Why? Everyone's energy is pretty damn good. High energy will stand out now. Positive energy, optimistic energy, movement energy is momentum energy is going to stand out more than ever, and you're gonna see energy change in your investments, in your mindset, in your businesses, all over the place. So I want one shift at the end because it's it's for me. And I told you when we were getting ready to do this, I said, I wanna ask you and this is it seems uncorrelated, but it's not. It's totally correlated because it comes from a pain point from you, and it comes from a place of of a sanctuary that can preserve and increase energy, which is personal relationships. And so particularly your marriage to Lisa. So you've been honest on my show before. And by the way, this is completely correlated to everything we said. Because you said on the show before in the past, hey, man. First time around, probably didn't have that thing wired the right way. Yep. At some point, I knew I wasn't probably with the right person for me, wonderful person, but not right person for me. I wasn't a world class husband. Yep. You've you've you've said this before. And you are a world class husband to Lisa. In fact true story. It is. When I think of you by the way, you're easily one of the most brilliant business minds I've ever met. You are probably the best marketing mind I know. And you're a very diverse man between your understanding of real estate, human dynamics, interpersonal relationships, energy, influence. I mean, all the different business markets that you're in. You're a very unique man. And I, you know, I hold you in the highest regard. You're one of the few people on the earth that I call for counsel in certain areas. So obviously Same to you, brother. Same to you. And of all that, I don't admire you anywhere nearly as much for those things as I do for the kind of husband and father that you are. And I think one of the I think you show me the quality of your relationships. I think Tony was the first to say that. I'll show you the quality of your life. You have such a massive high quality of life. And I believe that's because of your relationship with Lisa and your children. Why is it so good? In other words, what's been the key from you going to be a not very good husband the first time around to, like, if I think of the list of the best husbands I know that have the best real intimate, loving, real not perfect Yep. Relationships with people. I don't know that you don't occur first on my list. You know, maybe there's two or three people that all come up at the same time, but you come up on that list. What's been the key for that, and how important is it to your your outward success in business? This is a correlation from when you met her to millions and millions more dollars in your bank account too. It is. And and I have to thank you for saying that, and you're you're so kind, Ed. That's why your your podcast does so great. You truly serve from your heart. And thank you for the kind words. My wife's gonna listen to this podcast and smile from ear to ear. It's true. She loves you, brother. She's she's she's binging on your podcast right now. Good. Good. I'll tell you. First first thing I'll share, just like a business, is if you have the nerve to recognize that the reason your business might not have worked or your marriage might not have worked or your relationship might work, if you're if you have the self awareness and the nerve to look in the mirror and say, it was probably you. Even if it wasn't all you, but if you have the nerve to say that. And I remember going through divorce and freaking out because and I won't go deep on this because I think I shared it on previous one. But I was freaking out before my kids because I was a child of divorce, and I didn't want them to feel you know? You know? You know? You get it. Right? Totally. So I was freaking out about that. And then I remember thinking to myself, I broke down a list of what was unacceptable in a new relationship, what what could not be, and what could be. And on my on my could list, Ed, was I need someone that that loves a crazy entrepreneur that's into health, that's into personal growth, someone who will love my children as if they're their own. That's that's a task for a step person stepparent. Right? And I I broke down this long list of all the things that were a must. And something hit me in that list, and I'm like, damn. I have nerve to ask for that. Right. Right. Right? And in a moment, I recognized that for me to attract that, I had to become a better man. It had nothing to do with finding the perfect woman. I had to be the better man to attract that type of woman. And I worked on me. I got a love coach. I I unlocked the the, you know, holding back the full extent of love and all all the things we could share. But here's what I would say when it comes to relationships. Just this, you know, advice only from a guy that knows he messed up in the past, but I am in the greatest relationship of my life, is imagine never keeping the couple of things that came out of what I realized. Imagine never keeping score in a relationship. Imagine having the nerve and the confidence to just go, I'm gonna be the best version of me, and I hope I get it back. And not say, you know, I've been I've been doing I watch relationships unravel when someone says the husband says, I work my tail off. I provide for her. She doesn't have to worry about anything. She doesn't have to pay the bills. She has someone to clean her house. She does all this. And I come home, and and she's, you know, no dinner, keeping score. Right? You're keeping score. And when you start keeping score, soon as you start keeping score and it's not even, how do you go to bed that night and be intimate? How do you how do you have passionate connection if you're keeping score and thinking I'm doing more than her or or I'm taking care of the house. He has no idea what it's like to to juggle two kids and take care of all this stuff. And he's out flying around, having fun, do you know, he's working, but at least he gets to be out. I'm stuck in the house. Mhmm. Man, there's the intimacies gone. Mhmm. Right? And then once the intimacy is gone, then people start thinking, man, someone else would love the way I work. Someone else the way I take care of things. Right? So one is not keeping score. Here's the the toughest one. That's big. Here's the toughest one. Imagine I know this is gonna sound crazy, and some of you are gonna be like, yeah. Whatever, dreamer. Imagine feeling love when you give it rather than when you receive it. I fell in love with making my wife feel loved. I love for that woman to look at me and she like, there's five people in the room and she looks over and I'm staring at her. Like, she's like, I just saw her for the first time and she catches me and I watch her flay we've been together five and a half years. I could stare at my wife when she doesn't realize it. And if she catches me, her cheeks will get red. Mhmm. Like, she gets nervous even to the and she's like like, what are you looking at? What are you looking at? And she'll come over. She's like, you. Right? Mhmm. I found I've it took me years. I found a way to feel loved when I make her feel loved. So I don't need her to love me back, but the but here's the thing. Right. Right? Because I don't keep score, my wife tries to outdo me. Because I give I feel love when I give her love, she tries to give me more love. Right? And I know maybe that takes the right partner, and you might be thinking to yourself, yeah, Dean. You found the right partner. I I I would say I have an amazing woman, but I also know that I did all the opposite crap in the in the previous one. And and this is I'm gonna steal this from Tony. One of the best advice I ever heard was, imagine if you treated the end of relationship like the beginning. Would there actually be an end? Remember in the beginning of a relationship, you're like, everything's bliss and you're all in and you're listening, eye contact, and you wouldn't dare look at your your phone at dinner. And now you're three years in, and at dinner, she wants to tell you about what happened with the kids thing. You're like, yeah. Let me just what was that? Hold on. Let babe, let me just look at my phone one second. Would you have ever done that in the first week of your relationship or on a first date? And that just that hit me, and people a lot of times will ask me is like, I don't know where my relationship is. I'm like, what if for the next ninety days, you just went all in and pretended like you guys just met and you were dating again? At the end of ninety days, you might have a completely different situation. That's so good. Yeah. That's so good. You are so good. I don't know. Bed your business life having that part of it. Not even a question. Like, the funny part is so many people say to me, what happened to you, like, four years ago? Man, you just got more dynamic. You're more confident on stage. It was definitely that. Because the the last thing I'll say is on this is I had more I've had more success than I could have ever dreamed possible. A goodzillion times more than what my dreams were. I have two. I'm now three and a fourth on the way, but I had two amazing children Mhmm. That were just humble and sweet and and kind. And my business is thriving and good friends, but I didn't have love in my life and I didn't have connection. And I wasn't a good husband. Right? Because I wasn't happy. And I probably when you're incongruent, when not all things in your life are lined up, I never could've understood the power that while I was in it. I just said, no. I should be happy. No. My relationship isn't great, but we co parent good, and we got great kids, and the business is good, and we got the great house. I just wasn't in alignment. I was kinda living a lie. Yeah. And when I finally shed that, and now I get to be the man like and I know you know me, but, man, imagine the wish that if anybody put a hidden camera on you for a week, Mhmm. And then your wife, your friends, and the world could watch it and go, wow. Same guy on camera, same guy on a podcast, same guy when no one was watching. Yeah. That congruency has taken the the restrictions off. My business has doubled. My life has doubled. My happiness has doubled. I've doubled. I've attracted dear people in my life like you and other people because I I think that I I just get to be me at all times. Beautiful, brother. Gosh. It's so good. I got one last question for you. Yeah. And I want you to answer this in in all sincerity. I know you always do, but this is a biggie. Is it all it's cracked up to be? Let me tell you what I mean by it. You know, having a loving relationship, becoming a wealthy man, you know, making the contribution you make is a tremendous amount of work. And there's gonna be a season in in one's life where it's not all those things, and you're gonna be working and working and working. And there's this part when you're doing it, you're like, is it even really worth it? Is it even really worth it? Because I think oftentimes, we've all met that one rich person who's also miserable Yeah. Which there's a lot of them. They get a lot of money, and you're like, I don't even wanna be like them. They you know, I was a server I was a bus boy at the whole enchilada in Diamond Bar when I was in the high school and college. And it seemed like a lot of the guys with money that came in were the bigger jerks. Yeah. And it started to make me think, I don't even know if that's worth it. You know? And the reason that it seemed like the because the real rich guys didn't act like rich guys. Yeah. So when they'd come in, I didn't know it was that guy. But I I went through a phase of my life that I think because you're on the other side, it's easy to forget. But I think there's a lot of people that are considering coming to this challenge, considering changing their life. They're considering it. And then there is a part of them where they're like, I don't know if it's worth it. So I'm being I want you to answer this honestly. Is it, or is it different than you thought it would be getting to this other side? You're on the other side. You're you don't feel like you are, but you are. You're very wealthy. You got a beautiful family. You know, you make a difference in the world. You got rich friendships. Your life's not perfect. Every you know, the day to day of life can be really difficult for all of us, but was it worth it? And what's it feel like to get to the other side? Sell us the dream or the nightmare of it. Yeah. Beyond worth it, but questioning it. I've questioned it on and off since the beginning. Mhmm. And there are only moments of questioning it. Mhmm. When and then you get clarity and realize the other side. So here's what I'd say is if someone's listening to you, Ed, what you've done, and I I wanna say this publicly, what you've done so elegantly to help the world see is that your visibility, your notoriety, you your podcast being the top podcast, your book, people get to see someone who's been wealthy or is wealthy and also an amazing human being. Thank you. And success without fulfillment, success without joy, success without balance is probably the brokest you could be. So here's what I'd say. Where I'm fortunate is I started working on me at the same time I was working on making money. And I think that is the gift I would I would love to share with all of you. I believe all of you, every single one of you has the has the opportunity to make unlimited amount of money. I know that sounds it's easy. Like, it's easy for you to say now, Dean. But believe me, if Ed can make it, Dean can make it Mhmm. We all have this amazing opportunity. But I'd say work on you as much as you work on marketing, as much as you work on sales. Because when you find that harmonious balance and, you know, we both I and you probably too. I've been off. I've had more money than emotional, intelligence. Me too. And right? And that's not a cool thing. And and there's some people who have great emotional intelligence, but they can't make any choices in their life. They wanna do more. They wanna donate more. They wanna travel more. They wanna retire their husband, so they he has to stop working this crappy job. So they have the emotional intelligence, but they don't have the money to give them the freedom. That harmonious balance of two, I mean, it's the greatest gift you could give anyone. It's why it's why we're doing a free challenge. It's why, Tony listen. You don't have to work. Tony doesn't have to work. I'm blessed. I know it sounds like, hey. We're a bunch of rich people. It's not that. Like, I'm working harder now than I've ever worked in my life, and I have more now than I've ever had in my life because I want other people to see that you can have this rich balance where you can have a a I mean, I just got here. I don't wanna get a spoiler alert, but I just I just got to meet your kids for the first time. Yeah. Right? I met your wife a bunch of times. I got to see your kids. And and watching that you get to bring this family that you shifted this generation. You have two humble children. Thank you. It it will you will always question it. Problems will never go away. Mhmm. Alright. One thing I wanna say, you will just get better at handling bigger problems. You wanna make more, handle bigger problems. Right? So you will handle problems more. You will get you will turn into someone who wants the bigger problems because you know there's a bigger paycheck on the other side of bigger you solve a bigger problem, you get paid more. Right? Yep. So problems won't go away. I'll tell you that. You'll just handle them more. Like you said in your book and like Jim Rohn said, for things to get better, you gotta get better. Right? So you'll get better at doing those things. You will have times where you question it. But every day in my life, I wake up, and I'm so effing grateful that I get the freedom to do what I wanna do, to coach little league, to drive my kids to school, to do what I want when I wanna do it. And that's that's the ultimate freedom, and I would die for it, Ed. Had a great answer. I'm so proud of you.

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## The 5 Biggest Dream Killers You Must Defeat To Succeed | Ed Mylett

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6UtmiHNObw
- **Published:** 1 month ago

[Transcript not available]

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## Best of 2025: These Life Lessons Will Reframe Your Success Forever! [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35FJx8F0V7g
- **Published:** 1 month ago

Makes a good life for you? A good life is service to others. Personal wealth is not a good life. For treating others with respect and dignity and helping when you can, that's a good life. Rejoice in your suffering. The suffering produces endurance. Endurance produces character, and character produces hope. People support what they create. You don't win the game of life unless you play. Your belief has to be greater than everyone else's doubt in you. The dream killers, they're gonna come and tell you why your idea won't work. Mhmm. And you have to be willing to say and have the conviction why it will. Sometimes in life, the things you pray for become the things that you complain about, if you let them. If you don't force yourself to pause, to stop, to recognize that sometimes you are quite literally living out your prayers. We are tea bags. We don't know how strong we are until we're in hot water. We have to do hard things on purpose. We need to get stronger. He's 88 years old. You all know who he is. Immediately, you'll recognize his voice. If you're on YouTube, you'll recognize his face. I consider him a kindness broker, a kindness broker, and somebody that if you just watched him, I think he'd just live better if you emulated many of the things that he does in his life. This is the great judge Frank Caprio joining us today. Judge Frank, thank you for being here today. It's an honor to have you. Well, thank you for the opportunity. You said, you know, the way you grew up, you're poor, and you actually called that a privilege. Do you really mean that? And if you do mean it, what what was the privilege of being poor? It's true. I did I did have the privilege of being brought up poor because I appreciated, because of my upbringing with both parents, you know, who are immigrants, the fabric of America and the riches that we have here, not so much in money, but what we we're entitled to and how we're treated. And my father constantly preached that about what a great country this was and that we had opportunity. And I can remember, you know, just simple little things that he when I was 10 years old, he said to me, someday you're gonna be a lawyer. And it was like a edict, you know, from above. Mhmm. I didn't want it to be anything else but a lawyer from the time I was 10 years old. How did you or did you keep this outlook that people are good in general and that we should treat them well? I was very fortunate that it wasn't only my father. It was my mother as well. You know? My mother was known in the neighborhood for feeding people that were hungry. Yep. If you were hungry, come to my house. Don't worry. You will get a nice meal. And it was always, like, let's help other people. But I was saying that, but, anyone that wasn't in distress would stop by our house and and they were they were helped. Mhmm. My father, one of his jobs was he was a milkman. He'd wake my brother and I up at four in the morning. He'd go to work on the truck. Oh, yeah. If you don't wanna do this the rest of your life, make sure you stay in school. But I learned something from from that. If someone could not pay their milk bill, the company had a policy that after three weeks, you stop delivery. That was their policy. His policy was if they had children, he would never stop the milk. Oh. He can't every policy was. And many times, he'd take money out of his own pocket and put and say they're making an effort to pay. Oh my gosh. So these were the examples that I saw, you know, by way of example. These were in speeches that were given to me. So it wasn't a situation where I was given a speech saying do a and my parents did b. You know? I never made the speech. All they did was they they did they did a. I was thinking about about your first day as a judge. And, you have a story from that day, your very first day, that I think you tended to regret a little bit of something from that day. And And I think it just goes to show you that that you can learn lessons in life if you don't handle things perfectly the first time too. If you wouldn't mind sharing that story. My first day on the court, I asked my dad if he would come down. You know, I'm I'm a judge now. You know? I want my dad to see me up on the bench. Sure. And this woman came in. She had three or four kids. I'm not sure how many. And she has traffic violations of somewhere around 3 to $400. And she was the most arrogant person you can imagine. So she said she's in the court. I'm trying to help her. And she says, I just can't pay it. I'm not paying it. I don't have the money. You know? And the more I try to help her, the more arrogant she became. And so then she became arrogant, and I I became a little upset. And I find her the full fine. I I gave her penalties. I gave her everything. And now the court is over, and I'm so proud of myself. You know, my dad was there on my first day as a judge. And I, I I was in my judge's chambers, and I said to the bailiff, bring my dad in, please. I wanna talk to him. So now I'm all smiles. Dad, how did I do? He looked at me. He says, how did you do? How did you do? He said, that woman. I said, what woman? The woman that had the three or four kids. He says, how could you do that? You can't do that to people. I said, she was so arrogant. She was rude. He said, she was scared. He said, do you know now that maybe she can't feed her kids tonight? Maybe she can't pay her rent? Maybe she can't pay one of her bills. They'll turn the electricity off. You can't treat people that way. You weren't brought up that way. Mommy. That set the stage for my entire judgeship that first day on the bench with my dad giving me giving me hell. Have you always been humble, or is this something you've had to work on? My dad would wake my brother and I up at four in the morning to help him on the milkshruck. Yep. He would say, if you don't wanna do this the rest of your life, you better stay in college. You better go to college. You know? And and then I saw how he treated people who who couldn't pay their milk bill. You know? And even though his company was a major company would demand that after period of time, two or three weeks, if if they didn't pay the bill, that he was ordered to stop the milk. That was their rule. His rule was if they had children, he never stopped the milk. And many times, he put money out of his own pocket and say they're trying to pay. But he never gave me lessons in saying this is how you treat people, and this is how you treat people. But he did it by way of example. So I lived that. I saw how my dad treated people. I saw how my mom treated people. She fed people that were hungry. So all of that was was a great learning experience for me, but it wasn't it wasn't a situation where where I was sat down and said, okay. Now this is how you treat people. What makes a good life for you? Yeah. A good life is service to others. That's a good life. Mhmm. Self grandisement is not a good life. Personal wealth is not a good life. For treating others with respect and dignity and helping when you can, that's a good life. That's right to the point. When you're in court, there's some through lines that are common. Not always, but poverty, addiction, trauma, stress. I you've seen a lot of that. What do you think can break that cycle more powerfully than a courtroom or a law can? Is there something that can break through those cycles? I've I've said earlier, the basic unit of society is the family unit, and that's where it all comes from. It was it's very difficult to to be exposed as a youngster in the early years of your life to be exposed and seeing certain behavior. You know, that's not not good. Mhmm. And then all of a sudden, you know, you you don't treat people that way. Our greatest goal in life was to be of service to others. So many times people don't have that opportunity to have a loving house, a loving father, a loving mother, a loving loving grandparents, loving cousins. My mother was one of eight. My father was one of 10. I had over 40 cousins. I had 18 aunts and uncles. And I can say with all fear of contradiction that at any time, I could walk into any of my aunt's, my houses or Oracle's houses and say I'm hungry, and I get fed. And and if I didn't say I was hungry, they'd ask me, are you hungry? That sounds like my family too. Is there something you as a little boy or a young man or early in your career believed that was important that you no longer believe that if you changed your mind about? I was sick of hearing people say, yeah, I I my kids, I just can't control my kids. What What do you mean you can't control your kids? You know? Then I, you know, then get get into one conversation. How do you treat your kids? What do you do for them? Do you take them out? You know, the do you ask how they're feeling? Do you spend special time with them? Do Do you take the Fenway Park? I mean, do you do all of this stuff? You know? That's what family life is all about. You're showing love. You know, it's not enough to say to your kids before you go to bed at night, I love you. And then then then during the day, ignore them. It's all in that personal relationship. I grew up knowing that no matter what the circumstances in life were, what to make any difference what they were, that if I was in trouble, my father would be there. I I knew that. My mother as well. I never was at that point incidentally. No. I was gonna say, I I think the disintegration of the family unit is the sin of this country. Gosh. I think you're right. How do you wanna be remembered? I wanna be be remembered as someone that helped other people Very simply. What a big long speech. Someone who helped others, particularly those in need. He was shot eight times at point blank range in kind of a gang situation that took place that he was not a part of, just a random act of violence, and he survived that. And it really transformed his life. I find out the story, which blew my mind. I was a musician in my former life. I was a professional musician. And this was a night where we had just finished the rehearsal and I was in a hotel and I walked out to go to the store. I had these guys that approached me and they came right out of the bushes. And the guy said, what are you doing out here? And I said, I'm I'm just chilling, man. And in a split second, he pulled out a 45, pointed it straight at me and shot me. Oh my gosh. I fell to the ground. Oh my gosh. And he stood right over top of me and pointed it, pointed the gun straight down at me. He said, you gotta roll out. He said, peace out, homie. And then he shot me seven more times. And so at that point, I did realize I was getting shot. And that's when I saw an angel right in front of me. Just a transparent figure. Angel had his arms crossed like this. And every bullet that was coming out of that 45 caliber that he pointed at me was it was like it was going through the the angel first. I remember putting my hand up and I'm trying to stop people. I'm like, help. Help. And nobody stopped. No one stopped. Get on the curve. And then I said, I said, oh my goodness. I think I'm a die right here. I found out later that I was picked at random and they were doing a gang initiation for one of the guys in their gang. And so they picked me at random and chose me that night, me to take my life. And so I'm laying there on the street and I'm scared. I'm I'm thinking that no one is gonna know how my life ended right now. Oh, gosh. That's what I was thinking. I was thinking I won't be able to tell my mom. I love her. Oh my gosh. I won't be able to tell my brother and sister that I love them. I'm gonna lose my life on the street right now for what? Why? Why is it that of everything you're telling me, one of the parts that turns my stomach the most is the laughter Yeah. After they've believed they've killed a man. Did that linger with you afterwards as your healing just It did. It did. Reality is that I'm not the only one who has experienced a traumatic event. There are people that have been through horrific things. You don't have to go through something like me getting shot. You could be shot with depression, shot with anxiety. Just because I got shot doesn't make me any different from the another person. We've all been through some very heavy things. It only takes time for everybody. Yeah. I don't know if I believe that anyone can fully be healed from all of the traumatic things they go through. You can find a sense of peace and you can find some freedom, but it's our humanity that we'll still have moments where we're broken. Sure. That's how I feel about our spirits and our emotions is that they can fluctuate. We can change, we can have good days, bad days, but the the one thing we can hold on to is God's promises through it all. I would say that I am healing. Like, I'm moving towards healing every day. Yeah. I don't think I've I've reached the pinnacle, though. Had I met you before you were shot, Were you this guy? Were you different? No. I was I was completely different. I was just lost. I was searching for purpose Mhmm. In the industry. Did you have faith in God before that? I had faith, but I didn't have faith. K. As you know, you can go to church Mhmm. Or you can believe in God. That doesn't mean that you're actually following. Was there a point where you're like, okay. I'm kinda back. And how long was that? It was probably about a year. Have you forgiven now? I have today. Wow. Back then I didn't and it held me down for so many years. It plunged me into some extreme darkness. So I don't wanna skip this part because that's part of my journey too, is that I came out of the hospital fully dependent on painkillers and pain medicine and had no idea that I was becoming dependent on it. Wow. How'd you get out of the addiction? I tried everything. I would go to rehabs, I would go to treatment centers. Seriously. Yeah. I didn't know this. Yeah. The bondage of addiction held me for so long. It was six years, six years of darkness. I realized after the fact that me not being able to forgive those people who shot me was another big part of why I was never able to find my freedom and why I failed so many times because I held that bitterness in my heart and I was like, I'm not forgiving them. I finally reached that level of forgiveness and I've just became broken. I said, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be free. And I went to this one year treatment program in a year. That's I went to this treatment center for one year. K. And I fell down to my knees in a small little chapel service, and that's the moment I felt everything shift. And I felt the Lord come into my heart, and I was never the same after that moment. I felt the chains come off of me of trying and trying all these years to be clean and it was different. And I think the different part was is I asked God to help me. I said, I was like, Jesus, I want you to set me free. I said I can't do this anymore. The other times I was asking the therapist to help me or this person to help me. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I needed more. I needed Jesus and therapy. And that was sixteen years ago. And I've been clean ever since and free. It went from pain pills to heroin to it was bad. It's almost impossible for people to get off of that. But I got off of it. And through my failures after failure after failure is where I found that freedom. Brother, you may have the greatest story I've ever flipping heard. I mean, I'm serious. You found God not when you got shot. Yeah. You actually well, you he was there. Yeah. He was there. But it was like there was a full embrace, an actual intimate relationship. Yeah. It was a process. I was able to say that because I know so many people struggle with addiction to many things. It could be gambling. It could be any life control issue. It's not just Isn't it? Drugs. Yeah. We and you can't see it. People can be successful. They can do everything and, you know, make money and do all these things and still be broken on the inside. I stayed at that treatment center for four more years. What did you just say? People thought I was crazy. Wait. So you went through a year program and then stayed four years? And then I felt so strongly that I needed to help other people. It was one on one. 40 or 50 guys in the program at a time coming through there completely broken, addicted to things, lost, homeless, all that. And I stayed on as a staff member to help. No pay, no anything to help people. Think about how amazing God is. Who'd have thought in the moment that you're being shot eight times in the chest, you go, okay. That's when it changes. Then you go through this six year abyss into drug addiction and heroin and all that other stuff. Then you stay there another four years afterwards. And that somehow, god's gonna pick that guy Yeah. To reach me Yeah. Through social media, through his faith post. And then I invite you to sit here today, and you're now gonna bless millions more people. Isn't it there should be so many people listening to go, legitimately, anything is possible if I keep getting up, if I keep pursuing my dream, if I and in this case, the lesson for you, I believe, is gonna be through God. But it's just unbelievable the ripple effects of decisions we make in our life and the impact we make. I'm gonna grab a camera, and I'm gonna say, let me bless you today. It's a scripture of some type. I'm wondering what compelled you to start doing that? What made you think, I know what I'll do now? I just said, I need to tell my story. I think I'm ready. Just like even coming on this podcast for some, so I think it's time. Mhmm. And I was trying to be obedient to those moments and that delay. And I just put that camera up in there and I just told my story unedited, no script, no anything. I just share my story from the heart and God used that story to just reach people all over the world. Put it up on TikTok and I had no followers. I remember zero And I put it up and then someone called me a few days later. It's like, hey, your testimonies. I never even opened the app again and check on it. And they're like, your testimonies everywhere. I opened it up and millions of people have seen it. And that was the how everything started. Me sharing hope to help other people. It was through my brokenness. Do you ever feel like, I'm not qualified to be doing this stuff? All the time. I should be like someone like Craig. All the time when I feel it every day and I feel it because I'm the guy that was expelled from high school. I'm the guy who just has a GED. I'm the guy who got in all types of trouble, who was a drug addict. I'm the least. And only through God's grace and his power, he allows me to even sit in positions like this. So, yeah, I walk with that, realize that I feel that. And I have to actually put those thoughts to the side when I'm about to do things just like this and say, like, you know, you God created you to do this. Gosh. He introduced you to Ed to be able to do this even in moments like that because I have those thoughts. I'm like, you're not supposed to be here. You're not supposed to be here. Like, you're not supposed to be all these people that have written twenty, thirty books and all these things. And I'm like, God's like, you are supposed to be there because one person needs to hear this today. Yeah. Way more than one needs to hear this today. And, you absolutely belong here. I feel extremely blessed to be in this conversation. Again, I know that people out there go through horrific things. So for some people to even get to my step would be very difficult to get to. But for me, I can remember it now and be grateful because that's the whole reason why I'm sitting here today. That's why, Romans eight twenty eight is one of my favorite scriptures that says in all things, God is working together for the good. It's not some things it's even the most terrible, horrific things. God can still pull squeeze like a little bit of good out of that, even though it's extremely hurtful, even though it's extremely painful. That's something that I can stand on and believe with all my heart. Gosh. You're a remarkable brother. I would say there's more in you. You may not be able to see it right now. You have pressure hitting you from every direction. Your back is completely against the wall. You've cried yourself to sleep each night. You don't even know how you're going to make it. But Luke one thirty seven says with God, all things are possible. And if you just hold on and take one more step, just keep going one more, one more, you'll see that God has had you in his hand all along. He's never left you. That's not easy to, to, to hear when you're in the middle of a battle though. So I do acknowledge that that you could be in a storm that is crazy. You're like, where is God? And I don't feel him here, but that's our humanity. Like, we're we all feel other things. We're like roller coasters, but it doesn't change. God's love for us never changes even when we're in our darkest moments, and he's right there. Gosh. That's so good. God had his hand on you as you're laying in that street crawling out of the middle of the street trying to reach your phone. He was with you. Even though maybe in those moments, we don't always know that. Mhmm. Right? Or when you fall down and you can't walk and you got a colostomy bag. Right? Then all of a sudden, you're addicted to drugs. He was with you when you were shooting heroin. Yes. He was with you all those times you tried to get clean. Because everybody thinks that he's not with you when you're in your dark, close moments. That's not true. He was right there with me. Like, you're gonna get it. You're gonna get off of this eventually. Like, you're gonna be okay. That's the message I tell to anyone that is feeling like, look, I'm in this. How do I get out? Where where is he? Where how can I keep going? It's you got you have it in you. Like, you literally have it right here. Greater the Bible says greater is he that's in you. That is heat is in the world. So, like, you have the power. You literally have the power to overcome anything if you believe it. It's it's like you have to literally say I can do this. That's the first step. If it not works is dead, like, there has to be something here. It's like, I wanna I'm gonna take some action. What do you believe about leadership now that you didn't used to believe? Most people don't wanna be led. What? And most people don't wanna be leaders. And so those who want to be led and those who want to be leaders have an unfair advantage. I used to think, oh, people people wanna be led. You know, they wanna be part of something that is important. But what I've learned in psychology and high performance is it is true most people want a meaningful pursuit, and most people want fellowship on that meaningful pursuit. Now a lot of people, they actually really wanna be independent in their striving. It's my it's my old it's my biggest five words in all of leadership training, and that is people support what they create. What this means is they need to be part of creating that vision more than ever. They need to have autonomy in how to go after that thing more than ever. I know every leader is listening right now. Every leader has had that person who was quietly quitting. Every person has had that person who's disengaged, detached, not part of it, and my first question ever is like, tell me how involved they were in determining where to go and how to go. Because if if they got to create that and be part of that conversation, that dialogue, that discussion, those decisions, then they're like, I'm all in. This I got skin in the game. If they didn't, they're like, yeah, dude. Stop bossing me around. It's got a oh, a big enough dream that the dreams of everybody within your stewardship, they see their dream fitting inside the one you're selling. That really works when the leader has this long term vision. Mhmm. Right? Most leaders right now, they can't see a year or two out because of AI and technology and politics and the pace of change. And so it has to be more collaborative and creative together today than it ever has been before. I think it becomes much more conversational and much more in the moment versus, like, huge visions. We're going on shorter term quests together. Yeah. Is there a system in place or a way of going about doing that that might be also meeting these modern times? The the general rule is the less creative you need to be, the less you need to meet or strategize. So if the strategy is clear, the path is clear, the method is clear, the process is clear, you don't have to meet that much. But if things are shifting and changing quite a bit, the more dynamic it is, the more discussion needed to calibrate. You're saying business now today is play by play because of the way things are changing and evolving. That's really good. And so each day, it's not just about, you know, strategy and process and, you know, structure. Each day, you have to emotionally enroll people more than you ever did. The more dynamic it is, it's like Mhmm. Used to be. It's like, hey, guys. Here's the script. Here's a thousand phone numbers. Go rock it. You can't do that now. You gotta have stand up meetings. You gotta you can have daily debriefs, and a lot of that is more of the emotional enrollment to keep people engaged in processes today because most things are kinda boring versus what they can go home with their video games or their phone. So that human interaction in that dynamic thing I'm just here to say leaders, you probably have to engage people more than you think you do on a more emotional level, and more consistently, the more dynamic and change is happening. Most leaders underestimate how much your job is to carry what I call the emotional load of your company, your business, your your family. This is a huge thing. I think historically through business, average leaders underestimate the amount of emotional load you're supposed to be carrying because it is just day to day process stuff. I think that that is more important than in relationships and leadership than ever has been before. People are not responsible for their energy today. They're very detached. They're they're very judgmental. They're very narcissistic. They're very, critical and cynical. And Mhmm. I don't judge any of those things. Those happen to all of us. I think it's just a matter of people to understand how much energy transference really does happen. So it's always gonna work, or we've just always done it that way. That's like the death of a company over the next five years, isn't it? A leader thinking, we've always done it this way or that's always worked. That legacy thinking, you're you're gonna die as a company with in the AI era. Correct? Agreed. Agreed. I think that, we all operated in a time when intelligence was ours and our team, and competence was the most valued thing. Now everybody on their pocket has the world's intelligence and autonomous intelligence. So with AI, you know, the the kid in this state, in this town, over here, they can all beat your competence now. And so now you think, okay. What competence really matters in the future? So autonomy is being really commercialized with AI. Competence in terms of actual intelligence, the ability for an intelligent, you know, thing to do something. Well, we're automating AI with agents, and we're entering the AGI world. Intelligence is outside of humans now. Adaptability is, like, constant now. People who don't like change are really gonna hate the next five years. They're gonna hate it. Everything will shift except that human thing, that relatedness, generating a new and faithful, compassionate, kind, generous way of dealing with other people, that's the thing that is actually primarily valued in the future. Your wealth in the future is your health and energy, your mastery of your inner world, and the quality of your relationships and leadership. Everything else AI can handle. So many of us, grind, and we work. And we have that consistent, hard discipline that is really celebrated particularly in personal development, more in the high performance realm or the peak performance realm, like, the ability to go hard, the ability to give maximal focus, attention, effort towards something, and just win. But win is often tied to outcomes, and win is often tied to the process of the discipline. How hard is it? If I can endure the hardship, I'm winning. But I also think the real winning is can you enjoy it? Can you enjoy the discipline? Can you enjoy the outcome? And my phrase is, can you teach yourself to feel the day even as you are working hard, even if you are grinding, even if it is grit, even if it's so difficult, can you actually feel it, sense it, internalize it, integrate it, dance with it? And I really believe you can do busy work, and you can do your life's work, and you can do all of this, but energetically, if you had more days where you felt it God. And there was a sense of satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, but also playfulness, You don't win the game of life unless you play. Mhmm. And I think most people, they're playing the game. They're making all the moves all day long, but they're gritting their teeth on the chessboard versus, like, smiling and hopping. He's right. You're not supposed to just grind your teeth through your entire freaking life as you acquire, accumulate, and conquer. There's a way to do both. You're not gonna enjoy every moment because if you enjoyed every moment, you're really not enjoying any moment because there should be contrast to life. There is no fellowship without energy. There is no love without energy. These things ride on the back of the energy that you bring. There's that brotherhood in a, like, deeper fellowship because of the energy, and I think that's what's important. That's what's gonna define the future. So good, brother. For me, time is the most important currency at this stage of my life. You can actually measure time in the amount of moments, the amount of experiences that you have, people that you care about. That moment that you're referencing, which I opened the book with, was a conversation that I had with an old friend in May 2021. At the time, I had spent the first seven years of my career marching down the most traditional path towards a, quote, unquote, successful life. I was chasing all of the things that everyone tells you you should want to chase, the status, the things, and I was getting them. I was actually winning that game, if you will. But, unfortunately, along that path, all these other things in my life had started to suffer. My relationships had started to show cracks. My parents, I was not seeing at all. My relationship with my sister, unfortunately, had ground to a halt. I was drinking six, seven nights a week. I had gotten so narrowly focused on the one thing of making money, of accumulating status as the path to me feeling successful, to me feeling happy. And that all came to a head for me in May 2021. I went out for a drink with this old friend. It had started to get difficult living so far away from my parents who were on the East Coast. We were living in California, 3,000 miles away, and they were getting older. It was the first time in my life as a young person that I had started to notice them slowing down. Their health wasn't perfect anymore. And he asked how old they were, and I said mid sixties. And he asked how often I saw them, and I said once a year at that point. And he just looked at me and said, okay. So you're going to see your parents 15 more times before they die. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The idea that the amount of time you have left with the people you care about most in the world is that finite and countable? And you can literally put it onto a few hands. Yeah. That just shook me to the core. And in that moment, I realized that if something didn't change, we were gonna end up in a place where we didn't wanna be. You are actually much more in control of your time than you think. We had taken an action, done one thing, and that number, 15, had turned into the hundreds. My parents are a huge part of my son, their grandson's life now. I see them multiple times a month. So we had taken an action and actually created time. And that realization, you just start living differently when you realize that you are in more control of your time. You are not a passive taker of time. You can actually go and make it. So what would you say to somebody who's listening to this? They haven't amassed wealth. They haven't amassed career accolades. They haven't created something, and they have this desire to do it. But now having heard you, they're afraid it's gonna cost them their family. There are a lot of people out there who buy traditional measures of wealth money, have been told that they are not doing so well. And in a more comprehensive definition, I would argue that they are really doing great in life. Take a bigger picture look at your life. Don't allow the world to tell you how you're doing. You get to decide. You get to run your own race in life. You don't have to compare yourself to everyone else's race. That's the first thing. The second thing I would say is that your life has seasons, and what you prioritize or focus on during any one season can and should change. You may have a season when you really want to lean into building financial wealth, building that foundation. And during that season, it's okay for that to be all the way turned up. But these other areas, importantly, have to exist on dimmer switches, not on off switches. The traditional wisdom has told you that if you're gonna focus on one thing, everything else gets shut off, and that is a terrible way to live. Because for a lot of these areas, if you leave the light switch turned off for too long, you can never turn it back on. The word later just becomes another word for never because those things won't exist in the same way later. Your kids are not gonna be five years old later. Your partner won't be there for you later if you aren't there for them now. Your health won't magically be there later. You won't wake up with freedom and purpose later. You either design those things into your life in some tiny way now, or you end up regretting it later. The last thing I'll say to this is in all of these areas of life, the reason the idea of a dimmer switch is so important is because anything above zero compounds anything above zero compounds in your life. The point is you don't want it to be off. Off atrophies, and you're going to that world of never. But if you do a tiny daily action in these other areas, you can stack and compound wins. But we, self improvement focused people, ambitious people, allow optimal to get in the way of beneficial. So we say, I don't have an hour to work out, so I'm just not gonna work out today. I don't have two hours for deep work, so I'm gonna do emails today instead of working. And that is the worst mentality you can have because, again, the five minute walk is better than nothing. The ten minutes of deep work on the one focus project is better than nothing. Anything above zero compounds. I really think that the single most important thing that people can do to build their mental wealth, think day, which is once a month, get out of your normal headspace. Don't go to your office or your house. Go to a new coffee shop. Go outside. Do something. Take an hour and just go with a handful of question prompts that force you to zoom out on your life. If you were the main character in a movie of your life, what would the audience be screaming at you to do right now? Think about it. You are that main character in the movie of your life right now, and there is something blindingly obvious from the outside looking in that you are either choosing to ignore or that you have yet to create the perspective to actually see in your life. So what is it? It's very difficult to make life altering decisions in your current environment and space that is facilitating and supporting that current lifestyle and way of thinking. Do you agree with that? People underestimate how much environment impacts thought patterns. When you are in a familiar environment, you are going to have familiar thought patterns. You are going to just find evidence that confirms the current story you are telling yourself. Is there something tactically you do in your schedule? The reality is we make time and we create energy for the things we truly care about, but you have to actually structure them into your life. I've seen evidence over and over again in my own life and in the lives of some of the highest performers I've spent time with that outcomes follow energy. When you lean into the things that create energy in your life, you generate the 1,000,000 x outcomes that create the step function changes in your life. That applies personally and professionally. What is this ABC formula? I know what it is, but I want you to explain to them. And why is it so important to intentionally create this new habit? Very few people tell you how to be consistent. They just tell you that it's important. And the ABC system is a pathway to actually being consistent because it relies on the idea that I said earlier, which is that anything above zero compounds, you need to hold yourself to the fire in the act, but give yourself grace in the amount. So for any given system that you're trying to build, any given new habit, set an a goal, a b goal, and a seagull, and then hit one of those levels every single day. When you feel great, hit the a goal. When you feel okay, hit the b goal. And when all hell breaks loose, just hit the seagull because anything above zero compounds. Reminds me of the dimmer effect. Keep the dimmer on. I fundamentally believe that the concept of balance has been hijacked. You've been told that balance is about having a perfect blend on a daily basis of life and health and relaxation and work. And that if your days don't look perfectly balanced Yeah. You're all screwed up, and you need to get stressed and anxious about the fact that you're unbalanced. The reality is that balance is much more about the seasons than the days. You are going to have seasons of unbalance that are in service of a future season of balance. You actually had the courage to make a decision to go, that is no longer my dream. Is there anything is it this Razer's concept that you would impart to somebody in addition to what we've talked about where they go, it's okay to not continue to chase this thing that doesn't fulfill you anymore? What we're talking about here is fundamentally the Pyrrhic victory, which is the idea of the victory that comes at such a steep cost to the victor that it might as well have been a defeat. You have to ask yourself in your own life, is that actually a game that I care to win? Or is the game that I care to win, the mountain that I care to climb, completely different than what I've been told is the successful mountain? Speed obsessed culture and society. Everything is about how fast can you go from here to here. And as you get older and as you zoom out on your life, you recognize that life is much more about direction than speed. It's so much more important to climb slowly up the right mountain than to climb fast up the wrong one. Over and over, and we see people make that mistake. When you measure the right things, you can start taking the right actions. You make decisions in line with that bigger picture measurement so you can win the battle. You can make money. You can do well. You can achieve your ambitions, but you can also make sure you're winning the bigger picture war. All of the things that are read about me when I get introduced to speak are all things that I thought I wanted when I was younger. And now when they're read, they're meaningless to me and almost embarrassing. Flash forward twenty five years from now, and they're reading your bio out, and you've achieved these things you think you want right now. I can tell you from personal experience, the best thing you could say when you introduce me is this is a good man of faith, a good dad, a good brother, a good husband, a good person, a good friend. So what about that involving family in these decisions in your work? I think it's so important to have your family be a part of the mission that you are on. And what I think is so important there is this realization I've had that strong relationships are built on two pillars, high expectations and high support. High expectations is to say, I have very high expectations for the level at which you can perform, but also high support. Meaning, I am willing to lift you up on my shoulders to go and meet those expectations. High expectations without high support manifests as resentment. But when the two come together in concert, it creates the most incredible bonds in life. What would your dad tell me about you? I think my dad would tell you that he is proud that I am becoming the man that I want to be, the man that I want to be, Not the man that he wants me to be, but the man that I want to be. So what about the importance of the financial piece of it, and what would you just speak to that? I very explicitly, in the book, wanted to avoid this coming off as saying, money is nothing. Money isn't nothing. It simply can't be the only thing. Above that level, money needs to become a tool, not the goal. My mental model for thinking about that fundamentally comes down to something very simple, which is making money has been overcomplicated. The way you make money is by creating value for other people. You shouldn't say, I wanna get rich in the next year. You should say, I want to create an enormous amount of value for other people in the next year. And as a result of that, you will make money. I guarantee it. I was in my office, and I was working on something for this book launch. So focused, really locked in. And my son, two and a half year old, barges in through my office door and just starts knocking things over, terrorizing my office. Two and a half year old. And I started having this whole train of thought, very negative, complaining. Why is he in here? Why is he doing this? Doesn't he see I'm working? Doesn't he know that I'm trying to focus? And in that moment, I paused, and I snapped myself back to five years ago when my wife and I were struggling to conceive for two years. I had prayed every single night that we would one day have a healthy child and complaining about the exact thing that I had prayed for. Sometimes in life, the things you pray for become the things that you complain about, if you let them. If you don't force yourself to pause, to stop, to recognize that sometimes you are quite literally living out your prayers. You finished with me on that one, bro. That's the best story of the entire interview. You sold companies worth how much? Over 100,000,000, you think? Last company, I sold for 235,000,000. That's all? That's it. I mean, what are you gonna do? So Playing small ball. So you got a big busy life. Why would you step in and start writing books and telling people how to do all this stuff? Why did you decide to do that? I mean, to be honest, it's actually probably because of my four kids. I think that in today's world, we're taught that we wanna be perfect and we wanna do everything right. I actually built my entire career on all of the mistakes I made. So what was the hardest part, do you think? It's the sleepless nights. It's what nobody seems behind the scenes. It's when I'm exhausted. I've done sixteen hour days. You run up. You can't make payroll. Yep. It's when something terrible happens in the company and you think this is it. Mhmm. And you're just they're alone. Yeah. I mean, it's the worst. That is what it feels like. You feel alone a lot. Alone. Yes. Yeah. You do. Even when you have people working with you because as the leader, you carry the emotional burden of the company. Yeah. And entrepreneurship, you think it's hard, but you never expect it to be that lonely. But now your life, was it worth it? Oh, 100%. Right. Oh, yes. If I could tell my younger self how great my life would turn out Mhmm. I wouldn't have believed it, to be honest. What's the best part? The freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time, to invest in new entrepreneurs, to inspire other people, to live the life of their dreams, and not having to worry so much about little things? I think being wealthy may be slightly overrated, but I think being broke and poor, which we've both been, is way harder than than even you think when you're young. I think when I was young and first starting out, I was waiting to feel a 100% ready. Yeah. I think everyone does. And people listening right now, they're waiting to feel that they've got the perfect website, they got the perfect pitch, they got the perfect social media. Once you realize it will never be perfect and just having the courage to take action is the key to success, I think anyone out there is thinking I have a secure job, you don't. You're right. Like, you just don't. The only thing that's secure is whatever you can create. Originally, I just thought, if I could just make a million dollars Yeah. Me too. Like, hey, just 1,000,000, I will call it a day Same here. Live my life Yeah. On the beach in Hawaii. Exactly. That's what I wrote. What you realize is and even now because I'm starting new companies all the time, I love the love of the game. There you go. I know. It's so much fun to play. Yeah. I'm actually a fear based entrepreneur. Like, I think I've done I've spent more of my life moving away from what I didn't want sometimes. Like, I was afraid to be broke. I was afraid of not being able to eat. Your fear was like a paralyzing fear. Yeah. A fear where you just can't even move. Right? You had that really? Yes. Think that if you have something so traumatic happen where you are lose your job or lose your, you know, your security or your identity, you're so afraid to make the same mistake. Yeah. And so overcoming that and understanding that mistakes are essential to success, and if you don't try, like, that's the only real failure. Was there a massive failure at one point where you're like, this is a biggie, and I think this just did me in? Was there any moments like that in your career? I mean, listen. I've had so many failures at this point looking back. I think the first company that I'd worked for that failed, and I had called all my friends to come work for me because I told them they were gonna be .commillionaires. Yeah. Yeah. And then they I had to fire them all, and they and then he wouldn't talk to me. That that that hurt. I even think long term planning may be a bizarre concept nowadays because of the way the world's turning. And you say one of your mistakes was not pivoting enough, soon enough? Like, which one was it? I think not pivoting fast enough. Yeah. I've invested in probably a 150 companies. 99% of them have pivoted at least once, if not more. Right? In the world of AI, right now, if we were gonna teach our children something or any entrepreneur listening to this, the adaptability, flexibility, we don't know what's gonna happen. The world's gonna move twice as fast, but your mental state of being able to adapt, be flexible, change with the environment will be the key to your success. You better be flexible. You better be pivoting. You better know what's going on. You better be fluid. And if you run a company with a bunch of bureaucracy that can't make decisions pretty quickly like a small company, you're in big trouble in business. If you're a small company, the great news is you can be nimble. The challenge is, do you have the mindset to be nimble? You're right. And to embrace technology because a lot of people out there, oh, AI. Like, guys, it's here. It's It's coming, and we need to embrace it as part of your business. K. Everyone listening should ask themselves, when was the last time I pivoted? And if you can't think of it, that's a problem. So you can do a market pivot. You could do a product pivot. You could do a pricing pivot, and then you could do a competitor pivot. Every single company out there, they're pivoting quickly. It's speed that makes a huge difference too. If it doesn't work, pivot again. What would you say to somebody who's listening? They're like, I do have this perfect addiction. If they're trying to achieve perfection, they will not achieve greatness. Mm-mm. So the only way to become very successful is to embrace the mistakes. I'm a 20 tech entrepreneur. Now I'm in beauty. I'm in beverage. I'm in web three. I am all over the map learning new industries as fast as I can because it makes me a better, more rounded, intelligent investor as well as operator. How many years did you spend struggling as an entrepreneur? Just first, would you say? I would say I spent first three years at my kitchen table alone where literally every person thought I was not. K. Would you sit wherever you are, your basement, your kitchen table for three years without any hope or sign that it's gonna work out? No. No. There's no indication you're right. No indication that it's going to work. Isn't that the big thing? Your belief has to be greater than everyone else's doubt in you. Oh, that's good. It has to be because the critics, the naysayers, I mean, the dream killers, they're gonna come and tell you why your idea won't work. Mhmm. And you have to be willing to say and have the conviction why it will. It's hard. Right? And it's hard. It's hard. It's it I think business is the most competitive difficult sport in the world. I really do. Because what separates you isn't giftedness. Like, if you're six nine and you can three sixty windmill dunk, you could play defensive end in the NFL. I guess that's a little tall. But you know what I'm saying? Like Yeah. But in the business, it's like you it's not really necessarily birth talent oriented. It's a three hundred and sixty five day sport. Yeah. There's no off season for business. It's an everyday twenty four seven. If you wanna be average, do what average people do. If you wanna be successful, do what successful people do. And they're out there hustling. I love your intensity. No one sees how hard you worked for so long. I mean, this is the twenty year overnight success. Right? Yep. And And I think that's really important. So if you're willing to pay the price, which is a lot of missed everything Yep. Then it's worth it. At the end, my life is incredible. I feel incredibly blessed, but that came with a lot of, you know, a lot of cost. Mhmm. And, like, costs you can't see, costs that I'm sure so many women right now are going through in terms of just trying to balance it all, and I think just recognizing that's really important. So it's really important for any entrepreneur out there. If you like the problem you're solving and you like who you're solving it with, and if you say no to one of those two questions, do something else. Oh, that's outstanding. I'd say if I can do it, you can do it too. And I think having been there at my kitchen table with no sign or no hope and at rock bottom, I have no money. I maxed out all my credit cards, took a loan for my grandma, and everyone thinks I'm crazy. Okay. Yes. But fast forward, I've had multiple exits, and I was able to make that dream a reality. But I think, again, it goes back to also adapting with the market. Don't just be so be clear on where you're going, but how you get from a to z could look totally different from where you are today. And so I think it's really important. Z, I know where I'm going z. I have no idea a, b, could go e, g. You know what I'm saying? Like, be flexible. Yeah. It takes one person to make a bet on you. Yeah. You're so You can just be that one person to change, like, that domino effect. This has been so good. So good. I don't know. You say anxiety is really overestimating the threat. Yeah. And I think you said underestimating your ability to deal with it. Just let that settle for a second, and then I'll let you elaborate. Yeah. Definitely. A lot of this has to do with our capacity. We we are tea bags. We don't know how strong we are until we're in hot water. As we get older, we constantly facilitate a life where we want things to be as easy as possible. Conveniences, you know, have food delivered to us, everything on an app on our phone, and we don't realize that comes at the expense of our resilience. And as the resilience goes down, we don't think we can handle things. And then things in life happen, AKA 2020, and all of a sudden, everything that we thought was gonna be one way is definitely not. And then we get a chance to see how resilient and how strong we can actually be. And what we're doing is we're overestimating these dangers, and we're underestimating our ability to deal with it is because the signal that we're getting is everything is dangerous. But the definition of danger to our survival brain is like, is it new? Does it remind me of something that hurt me in the past? Is it unfamiliar? Is it just going to be hard work? It's amazing that we're having mental health conversations, but we've swung the pendulum so far the other way that now mental health has become this excuse to avoid hard things. It's an excuse to avoid hard people. We treat our mental health like it's this delicate flower You're right. That we have to protect it. And And it's like, no. Our mental health is like our physical health. It is here to protect us. Our piece is a muscle. Our piece doesn't need to be protected from other people. And our resilience is us training our mental health so we can deal with the BS that's definitely gonna find us in the outside world. That's an interesting perspective because you're right. That's actually preparation and training to make you more resilient towards anxiety in the future. Absolutely. So instead of us just dismissing, oh, that person is a narcissist. I gotta stay away from them. This person is toxic. Because what we might be saying is this person is challenging the way I communicate, the way I live, the way I exist. So I need to step up my game. I need to be uncomfortable. We have to do hard things on purpose to get stronger, both physically and mentally. Really can't think your way out of anxiety. Yeah. You have to physically take action. I think when anxiety strikes most people, at least like me, I just start thought looping. But that just elevates the level of stress and anxiety in my body, I think, actually harms my ability to deal with it. So overthinking is believing your intuition doesn't work. When a situation happens, your intuition is whispering to you what you need to do. Most likely, it's gonna be hard. So then your brain is like, oh, this is uncomfortable. So let me create this thought loop, which will trick me into thinking that I'm solving a problem when I'm really doing nothing. Because one thing that we don't enjoy is uncertainty. It's a protective mechanism that we have because when we have these anxious feelings, we wanna soothe them. And generally, the three ways that we soothe our anxious feelings is through distracting, medicating, or avoiding. This is our body trying to protect us because our body is responsible for protecting us, but it's not responsible for figuring out what the danger is. So what happens is a new situation happens. Our body is told you're in danger and it goes into protection mode. What we have to do is to work to train the body to be like, this doesn't count as danger. The body has to catch up to the brain. The only way to address that is to keep doing it. This is how acting through anxiety works. It's not you gotta act through it once. If you don't go to the gym after for two years, the atrophy builds. You gotta get back into the swing of things. And when it comes to this, the overthinking is our brain's way of tricking us and tricking itself to think, oh, we're solving this problem by constantly revisiting it and creating new problems. So true. A great definition of anxiety is anxiety is when your intelligence is growing faster than your courage. Instead of using the imagination for curiosity, which is courage in disguise, it uses the imagination for judgment. Oh, that might go wrong. That might go wrong. This is the reason not to do it. And that's exactly what we do, especially as adults. Overachievers probably have this proclivity more than maybe even everybody else. Absolutely. What's a thing you've been doing for yourself? An actual tactic you've been using to, like, okay. Here's how I'm gonna deal with this right now. Instead of saying I'm anxious, say I feel anxious because and then finish that sentence. And we start labeling these things, not realizing that these labels or these diagnoses are the beginning of the journey, not the ending. And it's this idea that our identity and our value is based on this external thing. And that's the first thing that we have to address, that I am not my achievements. Most of the people that actually matter in my life don't care about my achievements at all. You may have to put that in your your hyper organized schedule, an hour of doing nothing, and maybe remind yourself I'm a human being. I'm not a human doing. I'm just here to be. We forgot that life is trial and error. Yes. Error is not failure. And my happiest moments is when I get to be present where I am. And all I'm encouraging is to say, hey. I know you wanna feel better. A lot of the ways that we're currently feeling better are just temporary. We're just hitting snooze on the alarm. Let's go ahead and permanently address the things that are making us feel uncomfortable so we don't have to revisit those anymore. And instead, we can revisit the next thing. I'm not here to promise you a life without anxiety. I'm here to promise you a relationship, a better relationship with your emotions, anxiety being the most misunderstood one. I think for a lot of people listening to this, social media has flipped a little bit from being this place of information and inspiration to it's just a lot that creates this wrong feeling in your body. Absolutely. So what would you say about that? Get off of it or no? Because the premise of the book is reframe it. Throw Throw your phone in the pool, throw it in the ocean. With everything, not just social media, everything is a great idea and tell us not. As I said, judgment is the language of fear. There's no safe space for empathy and nuance on social media. People are fighting for attention. The way that the best get attention is to say polarizing things, say violent things, to say things that will get a knee jerk reaction. It really is a slot machine where you're just continually pulling it, and it's also the exact same formula of an abusive relationship. If anybody ever wants to know why someone goes back to an abuser, ask yourself why you keep going back to your phone. Because it sucks most of the time, but when it's good, it's so good. Golly. And you don't know when it's going to be good. And us as a species, we love unanticipated rewards, just like slot machines, just like abusive relationships, just like our phone. The truth of the matter is it soothes anxious feelings temporary. Again, it hits the snooze button on it. But at the end with every addiction, you can't get enough of it, and it almost works. Do you feel despair? You kinda correlate despair to the belief that you've run out of options, which you and I both believe is a lie. If not, I will take away your anxiety because you don't want me to take away your anxiety. Anxiety is a superpower when used right. I will take away your despair around anxiety, and I'm defining despair as feeling hopeless because you don't have options. And it's like, well, here, I'm about to give you 50 extra options. And that's what's important here. Despair is a lack of options. There always are more options. And the first step is to talk to people and ask what are my even go on chat g p t if you have to and just be like, hey. This is what I'm dealing with. What are my options? Because what chat g p t and AI is doing is filling in the gap that happened again with this pendulum swing where now Wow. Wow. The business model of our therapists or physical therapists, their business model requires them to listen and just listen. Meanwhile, our friends don't listen and just keep offering solutions. So now you go to a friend with your problem. Your friend is not qualified, but they care about you. We always wanna make the right decision. You pretty much threw out and you said it as a question. Like, what if any decision you make was right? Don't worry about making the right decision. Worry about making the decision right. Bam. And that gives you so much more control, which is like, look. We're here. Ray Dalio always says, it's not your ten thousand hours that makes you a master. It's your ten thousand trial and errors. And we are so afraid of the errors, but the errors are are what paves our successes. Look. What if they're alright? And you start to realize they are alright because we have the ability to make them right. And this goes back to the overthinking. Overthinking is believing our intuition doesn't work because we're assuming we own a crystal ball, and we just know what's gonna happen. And it's like, listen. You live with yourself. You are your best friend. Your intuition does not have to be perfect, but know what's on your team. Trust it. Follow it because you're strengthening a relationship with yourself, which is the most important relationship you'll ever have. Every single person listening to the show has had some form of fear of missing out on something. And that creates a ton of anxiety. Hey, Chris. It it it definitely does create a lot of anxiety, and I call it, you know, trying to go from FOMO to JOMO. So from the fear of missing out to the joy of missing out, we can't train ourselves out of it. We can't. We can only recognize it. And one of the best ways I believe that we can address some of this FOMO is to go deep into figuring out our values. So often we're spending so much time because we combine this anxious feelings around FOMO with our anxious feelings to fit in. So now we're trying to we're putting ourselves in places that we don't even belong just because we don't wanna feel left out. And then that's where we start getting these concepts of social anxiety. Everybody is a social butterfly if they're in the right garden. Going back to this idea of self awareness, it's you're what you're asking to do is observe yourself. That's also my definition of surrender. I'm saying just take a step back and watch what's happening. Not with judgment, with curiosity. As I'm gonna say this, curiosity is courage in disguise. Judgment is the language of fear. You can't be curious and judgmental at the same time. So just observe these things as they come. Reinforce the triggers that make you feel great and address and face the triggers that don't make you feel so good because they're teaching you about yourself. When we prepare ourselves for challenges, We're better equipped when challenges find us. So definitely lean into your positive triggers. Definitely face the negative triggers when you're in a good place. Feeling anxious isn't a weakness. We're not here to fix anxiety because we're not broken. We are all dealing with this. We all have anxious feelings towards what we don't know is gonna happen tomorrow. So the antidote for a lot of the anxious feelings that we have is our unity. Real connection requires vulnerability. If you need something, you need it. And if you're not getting it and you're expressing that somebody is dismissing you as needy, that's not the person you gotta be around. Anxiety is not a condition that people need to solve. It's a normal signal in our body, like hunger. Anxiety is a signal letting us know. And what we wanna do is we wanna improve our relationship. And especially if you have someone that you care about that you feel is struggling in this department, doing it together, that will by default add so many more options, and you guys are sharing your earned wisdom. Remarkable conversation today, everyone. Hope you get it, and I hope you share this episode. God bless you. Max out your life.

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## How to Reinvent Your Life and Build Real Fulfillment in 2026 | MAXOUT Your Mind Masterclass (Ep. 10)

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqgwzQsDN_U
- **Published:** 2 months ago

[Transcript not available]

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## How to Build a Bulletproof Mindset Through Preparation | Ed Mylett

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfo60NqMv70
- **Published:** 1 month ago

[Transcript not available]

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## 9 Unbreakable Rules of Consistency and Commitment | Ed Mylett

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VicH9rXxucA
- **Published:** 2 months ago

[Transcript not available]

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## The Real Path to Fulfillment Most People Miss | MAXOUT Your Mind Masterclass (Ep. 9)

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdOa-LGD0J4
- **Published:** 2 months ago

[Transcript not available]

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## Nattie Neidhart on Turning Family Trauma Into Unbreakable Confidence! [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj84cpCiTyM
- **Published:** 1 month ago

How the heck you become you because it was dysfunctional and it's great. You cannot have stars without darkness. There's so much good on the other side of this bad stuff. I was trying to succeed in WWE. I was trying to make my mark and do what I love in that company while dealing with this private battle with my parent. My dad was dying for a long time. A lot of times it's not the event of our lives. It's the story we tell ourselves about it. It's how we frame it. What's it mean? And when you take the wrong meaning, it can ruin your life. It can hold you back forever. For so much of my youth and navigating my way through WWE in this very strong male dominated world, I didn't feel like I had a voice. I might not be what Vince McMahon thinks is the star, but I can be the star maker. I went through a lot of to do that. I know what it's like to have nothing, and I know what it's like to have a little bit of everything. So if I was to wait for my bosses to hand me the perfect storyline or the perfect character, like, nobody knows me better than I know me. At the end of the day, you have to be the world's competitive. If you're a realtor and listeners, you gotta be great. If you're in sales, you gotta be exemplary. If you're a mom, you gotta be amazing. You shouldn't be afraid to build your own seat at the table. Create. Fight. Good does not pay the bills anymore. Success doesn't just come to you. You gotta chase success. Alright, guys. Welcome back to the show. So people ask me all the time. Do you have favorites that have been on your podcast? And out of, like, 800 shows, I'm not gonna lie to you. I have a few people that I just loved when I met them, like, right away, and this woman is one of those people. I regret that we're doing this through Zoom today because the last time, I think, we had some wine in my wine room in my bar after we did the podcast with my family. But, but we're gonna do it through Zoom today. And the reason I wanted to have her on is she's got a new book out. First, let me tell you the name of the book, and then I'll properly introduce her. Called The Last Heart Beating. And I read this entire book in two nights, you guys, and I couldn't put it down. It's It's that good. And she's a WWE legend. She's the she's the most tenured WWE wrestler of all time on the women's side. I mean, you guys all know I'm a huge fan of WWE. It's this is not a wrestling interview. This is a life interview. This is an overcoming dysfunction interview. This is a self worth interview. It's actually a little bit of a spirituality interview too and and how to persevere and win because she's won big time in her life. She's only in the Guinness Book of World Records, like, six times, and she's just a historical figure in the industry that she comes from. She's loved by everybody that knows her. Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, wrote the foreword. And when I read Dwayne's words about her, I just thought, man, I could have written the exact same words because I feel the same way about her. So, Natty Neidhart, welcome back to the show. And you're so sweet. Thank you so much so much for having me on. I can't thank you enough. Oh, well, I love having you on. It's been too long. It's been a long time. So let's talk about the book. Obviously, probably, I don't know, half my audience is probably WWE fans. The other half are not gonna know some of the things we're talking about. So I wanna navigate those two worlds pretty well. But what I want you all to know first thing about Nadia is she comes from royalty literally in the industry that she comes from. So whether it be her uncles, her dad, you name it. Like, it's it's a legendary family. I think it's safe to say that there's the McMahons and there's probably the Hart family in terms of legendary families in the sport. So the first thing I wanted to ask you about, this sounds like an odd place to start, but you have dominant figures in your family. Right? Like, your dad was a dominant figure. Bret Hart's a dominant figure. Owen was before he tragically passed away. And it's difficult when you have a dominant person in your family to stick your own head up in life. So a lot of people listen to this. Maybe it's their dad. He's just a strong figure. Or their mom was a, you know, an imposing figure in their family. Or, you know, you got a grandfather who everybody talks about in a family. And a lot of times, I worry about this with my own kids sometimes, daddy. I've become pretty well known guy. Does it does it cause my kids to play small in their life? You talk about this exact thing in the book. So can you speak to that? Was that difficult to poke your own head up and not you say in the book, like, the Tennessee was the one to be small and think small and play small in your life. I mean, that's a great question because it's really especially initially in the book, it's it's it's really addressed. And and, like, when you look at my family, it's like, my grandfather was legendary. He's a WWE Hall of Famer. And then, of course, he built everything. He was the root of greatness. Like, he was the root of the tree so that we could all be the branches on that tree. So he was just massive. And then you look at the legacy of Bret Hart and the legacy of Owen Hart and the legacy of my dad, who is a WWE Hall of Famer, and then my uncles, the British Bulldogs. And and so you have this family of greats, but they're all men as well. So they're these really strong male, like, legends. And so for me, growing up in this family, like, I was the first, you know, female in this family to actually compete in the ring. And I'm gonna be, you know, brutally honest. That was probably the least likely to make it, the least likely to survive. Why? Because pro wrestling, it's for such a long time, it's been very much a male dominated world until really the last five, ten years. It really, really started to change around, let's say, 2015 when WWE put more of a focus on women. But it culturally, women in sports, things just started to change. You know, you you saw more of a prevalence with women in sports, not just in WWE, but just, like, around the world. So it took many, many years for it to change. But when I was growing up, you know, in the eighties, nineties, it just women just weren't around WWE much. There was just a few, you know, a few and a few far like, there was maybe five women involved in WWE, like, in a great way in the in the eighties. And then in the nineties, maybe a little more. And then the early two thousands, we started to see more. It's just the evolution of the way that women were kinda featured because, again, it's professional wrestling. We saw, you know, the likes of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man Randy Savage and, of course, my whole family doing you know, my dad was part of the very he was he was in WrestleMania two with Andre the Giant. But but my family has done so much incredible work. But, again, it was all males. So for me, growing up, I was like, do I stay small to fit in, or do I get big to stand out? And so that's one of the things I love so much about the book is that I in writing the book, I was really able to explore that. Like like, almost do a deep dive into, like, a psychology. Like, what made me want to do this? What made me want to run hard with it? And what like, how did I find my voice? Because for so for so much of my youth and teenage years and my, you know, being an adult, like, especially navigating my way through WWE in this very, you know, very strong male dominated world, I didn't feel like I had a voice. And so as you get through the book and closer to the end, that's one of the things I love about the book was that I really found my voice. But it went I went through a lot of shit to do that. I always try to relate. When someone's famous or successful, frame it to the person who's listening to this. And a lot of people are like, you know, I don't I I I'm more comfortable being small. Or, you know, my grandfather's a legend in my family. Or or, you know, I don't even know what my message or my voice would be. You know, I didn't. When I was young, I would just go to work. I didn't even know what my mess like, who am I? What's my message gonna be? And that's why the book is so good. You think you're about to read a book about, you know, just your family, which we're gonna talk about in a minute, which is an incredible story. But you really don't. You're really looking almost like a a master class on confidence and identity and in spreading your wings and becoming your home. So what is something you'd share with someone who feels that way? I'm small. I'm always gonna be small. I'm invisible. I'm always gonna be invisible. How how did you change that? Like, literally, how did you do it? These are just such great questions. So, really, the first time that I could identify with, like, hey. I need to be bigger. I need to do more. I want more. I I need security. It was in my early teens. When my dad lost his job, we lost everything. And I I talk about it in the book. We weren't homeless because my grandfather opened up a room in his house for my mom and my sisters and I to live. So he only had one bedroom left, and so it was my mom's old room when she was a little girl. So and his house, of course, was built you know, the Hart House was built in nineteen o five. So it was a very, very old house. But it was my mom's room when she was a little girl. There was just one bed, and it was just all that he had left. So my dad had lost his job in WWE. We moved into the Hart House. My mom and my sisters and I, we shared that bed for a couple years. And so a lot of people don't know that. Like, granted, we weren't homeless, but we were not far from it. And my dad had lost everything, so he went from being this big famous superstar in WWE to all of a sudden us, like, losing everything. Our car was repossessed. Our home was foreclosed on it. We didn't have anywhere to go but to go back to that to my grandfather's house, go and live in that room. And I I love the security that my grandfather offered because he he was so warm and so loving and so comforting. But if we didn't have him, we we would have been homeless. And so what was really cool was that right outside that room, the window in that room of my mom's bedroom when she was a little girl, outside the window, you could see the wrestling ring. My grandfather had a wrestling ring on his lawn. He built it, designed it, and then he left the ring on his lawn during the summers because he the kids and everybody, it was like it's our it's our North Star. It was our foundation. It was our anchor. So when I would look out the window, the first thing I would see was the ring. And I didn't quite know. Like, I didn't know exactly why I was feeling the way that I was feeling, but I was drawn to that ring. Like, it felt like somewhere down there, something was gonna save me. And so when my dad lost everything, I realized from a very early age that I had to create my own stability. So I got this job, and I love writing about my my job. My first job was at a restaurant. I was a bus girl. I cleaned tables. I cleaned urinals. I cleaned bathrooms. I was a dishwasher. Right? I loved that job because it was my first real taste of independence. Like, I I could work hard, and the harder I worked, the more security I had so that nobody was gonna take everything I had. You know? And so while my dad was falling apart and struggling and battling all sorts of demons, I realized from an early age that I could I could I could rescue me. And so that's where my real first love, like, started to develop for wrestling because I realized looking down at that ring from that window in the room that my mom and my sisters and I were sharing, there was something down there that was gonna save me. Wow. Maddie, I'm just I'm picturing you at that age. Gosh. Darn. You got me right there. I think one of the reasons I connected with you, there's a I wish everybody knew this about you. She's she she has every reason in the world at this point in her life to have a really big ego. I mean, she's a legend in a legendary business. And she's one of the most sweet and kind and humble people you will ever meet. And, yet she's strong. It's not it's not a weak kindness. It's a strength and kindness that Natty has. And I think the reason that I connected with you is I think I wanna talk about family trauma a little bit, because most people listen to this. They come from some dysfunction in their family. Right? Our dads remind me of each other a little bit in the sense that my dad when I was growing up, my dad was alcoholic and drug addict and just dysfunctional. No. My dad, I got the blessing of seeing my dad really change at about 15, when I was about 15. So I got two different dads, literally. But in the book, you talk, I mean, openly, like, more than you ever have before about your family and some of the dysfunction in it. So if you would, share some of that because there's no way in forty five minutes that we're gonna cover enough things. People need to get the book to hear the whole story. Right. Tell us a little bit about your dad and what do you think that imprinted on you in any way, how it affected you. I dedicate the book to my dad. So, like, when when you see who I wrote it, I I he was my he was I dedicated it to him. And because he's a very important part of my story, he shaped me. He he was I loved him. He he loved me, but he also hurt me. And so it's important for me to share with others because this book could be the you know, it could be a handbook for somebody else's, you know, survival. And so many people it's like, when I wrote the book, I was like, that's where I really struggled because I was like, I'm sharing stuff that's so personal and so deep, especially about my dad, and I don't wanna betray him by sharing these intimate times that, like, my dad broke my heart or my dad was struggling with drugs or my dad was, you know, struggling with substance abuse or my dad was falling apart or he kept losing his job. Like, I kept I kept thinking like, I don't wanna, like, look like I'm exploiting my dad or exposing him, but I have to be able to share what we were going through because there's a great part on the other side of that. There's a lot of hope on the other side of that. So, you know, my dad was living most of his adult life with a brain injury. I didn't know that until after my dad had passed away. The brain injury really stemming from my dad playing football. My dad started playing popcorn or football when he was 11 years old. And so growing up, my dad would tell these stories about you know, he would get his bell rung, and he would his coaches were so proud of him though because he just kept playing. He just kept going back out on the field. He just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. And my dad was so proud of that. Like, it was like a badge of honor for him. So in his teens, he was just, you know, playing football super hard and over over exerting himself, but, like, he would brag about that. Well, come to find out, years and years later, it would affect him for the rest of his life because, you know, he he lived his his adult life with a brain injury. And so when we were kids and my dad would continuously he would lose his job. He he he probably got fired from WWE, I'd say, five times. He just couldn't keep a job. He he would miss shows, and he had behavioral issues. And when you're a little kid or a teenager, like, to me, I didn't we didn't know what was going on. We just saw that my dad was struggling with substance abuse. So we were just like, why can't he get it together? He just doesn't love us enough. Like, I I just thought my dad didn't love me enough. It it when I found out more about what was going on with my dad, and that's why I wanted to write about it because he was dealing with so much more. It taught me so much about compassion. You don't always know what somebody else is going through. You don't always know what's behind the scenes. And I realized, like, man, my dad was doing so much just to keep it together. He was dealing with anxiety and depression and, you know, all of this other stuff. And, like, back in the eighties with these big athletes, you know, like my dad, he's a three hundred pound man. He's a barrel chested strong guy that played in the NFL. He he wrestled in WWE. He was when my dad was 18 years old, he was the number one shot putter in The United States. He was just a world class athlete, but he was dealing with so much more underneath all of that. But, again, like, to be able to talk about this and to say, like, yeah. It wasn't because my dad didn't love me. He was dealing with something so much deeper. You know? He he broke my heart. I broke his heart. I I I just I love being able to share that in the book because so many people are going through you know, a lot of people are caretakers for their parents, and people don't know about that. Like, I was trying to succeed in WWE. I was trying to make my mark and leave you know, do what I love in that company while dealing with this private battle with my parent that was my dad was dying for a long time, and I couldn't share it with anybody. Instead, I would just open up Twitter and see, oh, like, my dad was arrested this afternoon. And then I would have to deal with that, and I'd have to go to work and be like, I don't like, and I I love being able to share that in the book. Like, that was hard too. Like, going to work and me being in WWE and then having to explain, like, what's going on at home with news broke that something happened with my dad, which it constantly was. Mhmm. You know? But now it's like, I think the book also paints my dad in a very sympathetic light because I I really forgave him after he passed away, and we were able to unlock a lot of what was going on. And to be able to speak with specialists and to be able to understand that, you know, those early years of trauma and playing football with no helmet and getting you know, like, I don't wanna get too into it, but get because I we only have forty five minutes, but I understand everything more now. And I realized that my dad was just doing the best that he knew how to do and deal with at that time. So it helped me it helped me to write about it. I think you really honor him the right way. By the way, I struggle with the exact same thing with my dad when I sell sell some of these personal stories. I don't wanna demean my dad or Right. Swim in the wrong light. It's really when you're a public person, it's difficult to navigate between wanting to be transparent and authentic and vulnerable and tell the truth, at the same time, protect. But what you did in this book that I I hope I done done a little bit, like, because you were so honest, it's gonna help form your people. You didn't sugarcoat it. It wasn't washed under the rug, so to speak, or swept under the rug. I wanted to, you know, I wanted to ask you a little bit about you know, I think of you I think of, you know, a lot of things that you went through in order to be successful. And you guys, you you just need to know this. Other wrestlers that I know over the years, when I ask, like, who's the best, I'm talking about, like, skilled at her craft. Most of the women and many of the men, if they end up naming a woman, it's it's Natty. Just so you know. I'm talking about, like, skilled at her craft. She's known as, like, great at what she does, and there's a lesson to that because, you know, I wanna figure out how the heck you become you because it was dysfunctional, and it's great. You know, one of the lessons that you have in the book that I just wanna say back to you is, like, a lot of times, it's not the event of our lives. It's the story we tell ourselves about it. It's how we frame it. And what you did is Right. Truthfully. But you've reframed your dad's dysfunction in a way that is more beautiful, that does serve you, happens to be true. But I'll be listening. You may not be able to do that. It's gonna have to be what's it what it's not the event. It's what's it mean. And when you take the wrong meaning or a meaning that doesn't serve you, it can ruin your life. It can hold you back forever. I think you're successful. I'm gonna tell you why. Okay? Number one, I think you're great at what you do, and I don't think there's any substitute if you wanna be look. All this self help stuff that we all talk about is great. At the end of the day, you have to be the world's competitive. There's levels to everything. You gotta get good. If you're a realtor and listen to this, you gotta be really great. Good does not pay the bills anymore. Right? If you're in sales, you gotta be exemplary. If you're a mom, you gotta be amazing. So So talk about the hard work that went on this. And then this other thing you said in either the book or an interview I saw, like, well, why not me? Right. I mean oh, you're so and you're like, this is like a dream interview because you're talking about all the things that are speaking to my heart and speaking to my heart as I wrote the book because, again, we go back to my family being so big and, like, there's so much meat on the bone and with with all everything. I I was really trying to figure out, like you said, how do I frame the story, and how can I make this? I really, really wanted the book the biggest takeaway from the book that I wanted people to get from it is I wanted them to heal. I wanted them to read it, and then at the end of it, feel like, wow. This healed something in me. Like, they could see a reflection of themselves in the book. And they could go, wow. This, like, this made sense to me. A lot of people are reading it and, like, really sitting on it. They're like, I have to take a moment after I'm done reading it to, like, really process it. Because, you know, now with with my career at WWE in January, it'll be nineteen years of working there uninterrupted. And so when I started my career, I was trying to get hired by WWE. So I kept on chasing all these things that I thought were gonna make me happy. It's like I just gotta get hired. I just gotta get to developmental. I just gotta get my foot in the door. I've just gotta, like you know, I got hired by the WWE. Like, you know, when you get when you first get started there, you're not even sure. It's like, I was making about the same as I was as a waitress. You know? Because they just in those farm leagues in in developmental, they just wanna see, like, it's it's just your baby step into the company. And then you gotta get it out get out of there, and then you gotta, like, get to the next level. So I was like, I just gotta get hired. Then it was I've I'm hired, but I just have to get to the main roster. Then you get to the main roster, and you're like, oh, I'm here now, but, like, how do I get to the next level? And so for almost two decades, I kept chasing and chasing and chasing. Like, I just gotta get this storyline, and I just have to get this contract that I want. I just I just have to get this, you know, championship, and I just wanna be on this pay per view. And I just and I realized by the time I got to the end of the book, I was like, holy shit. I I won. Yeah. I can I kept chasing and chasing and chasing all of these things that I thought were gonna make me happy? And then every time I got them, I realized, like, that is not when people read this book, I want them to redefine the way that they look at success in their lives. Because I I finally got to WWE, did all these incredible things, and I kept on telling myself, like, I don't, like, I don't deserve it. I don't belong here. I'm not good enough. Like, I kept looking around and see, comparing myself and psychologically letting so many little things get in my head because, again, this day and age too with public with with social media and, like, you there's a lot of noise. So there were moments in the book where I had so much self doubt, where I was like imposter syndrome, where I was like, why would they want me to be the champion? Why would anybody even wanna watch me wrestle? Like, there there was a lot of that that I dealt with. And then when I got to the end of the book and I finally was being presented with this championship, TJ, my husband said to me, he goes, I said, I can't believe that they want me to win this title tonight. And he goes, why not you? He goes, why can't you do everything? He's like, why can't you do everything that you wanna do, Natty? He's like, haven't you paid your dues? Haven't you helped everybody? Haven't you built all these bridges for other women to succeed? He goes, why not you? And so I want people to read the book and look at themselves and go, why not me? Like, why can't I open a restaurant and, you know, be a like, whatever dreams you have, why not you? So, hey, guys. You know, when I started this podcast, there was all this stuff I had to do. I had to shoot stuff. I had to post it. And when you're doing something new, it feels like the to do list continues to expand over and over and over again. So what you need to do is to find a tool that simplifies everything. That's why I love Shopify. Shopify is a commerce tool that helps you simplify and organize all the things you're doing online. And, by the way, you can get started with your own design studio with them, hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style, accelerate your content creation, which is huge. Everything you need from managing inventory to international shipping, processing, returns, and beyond. So if you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign it up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com/mylet. Go to shopify.com/mylet. Shopify.com/mylett. You're in a very competitive business. Yes. You guys, there's just a handful of people that last, it can even a decade in this sport, and it's competitive. And who's gonna get the belt, and who's gonna hand it over, and all this other stuff, and the behind the scenes, the backstage, all of it. And then, by the way, I screwed up every time I talk to it. I don't know who's the uncle, who's the cousin, which side's mom's side. Even in the intro, I probably called them an uncle outside. Like, there's so many family members of hers that are in the sport. Just call it her family. I don't know if it's an uncle or or what k? But I know I know about her dad for sure. But, you know, you've come out of this on the other side, and I think it's safe to say. I mean, I know Steph and, you you know, other people behind the scenes at WWE over the years. They love you. Meaning, you're also very well liked. And I don't know that you just do this because you're just a kind person, but your people skills, I think, have something to do with your longevity. Because there's other skilled wrestlers that just didn't get along in the locker room. Right. Like, I think of I've had the Undertaker. I think it's one of his skills. Like, other wrestlers liked him personally as far as I know also. What about that part of, like, how you treat people, how you see people? Do you think some of that was shaped because you've always been a little bit self conscious yourself, so you're always thinking what other people are thinking? Like, what's the key to your skill with people? I know it's not even NASA. It's not in the book, but I'm curious. That's it's it's funny because the industry, not just professional wrestling, but, like, in you you get so much further in life on grease than gravel. And my grandfather actually my grandfather, Stuart Hart, taught me that. He goes, you get you just get so much further when when when you're kind, and you do things with integrity, and you do things with love, and you do things with compassion. And for me, I think I'm naturally an empath. I think that almost sometimes, I maybe feel too much, because growing up, like, I I I feel like you know? And and I was able to really explore that in the book. But, like, because I saw the stuff that my dad went through and I because we went you know, we struggled so much and we we lost everything. We gained everything. We lost everything. We gained everything. We lost people. We gained people. Like, I was always kinda seeing the rug get pulled out from under us. So I had an extraordinary amount of empathy for people, like, especially even my in my first years in WWE. Like, I started out as a wrestler in a time where women's wrestling wasn't really popular. And I was working with a lot of the other women that were getting hired. They were dancers. They were cheerleaders. They were models. And one thing that I noticed, especially in my very early stages in WWE, was that we were all just trying to make it. And there was this common bond of, like, every like, my journey was so different than, like, let's just say the Bella Twins. You know? Like, they're like, my journey is so different than Ric Flair's daughter. My journey is different than Stephanie McMahon's. But at the end of the day, we all just wanna do great. We wanna make it. We wanna we're all in this thing together. And so one of the things that I I really focused on when I was first getting started was I because I didn't believe in myself the way that I needed to, I was like, if I can help everybody reach their dreams, I will always have a seat at the table. You know, if I can be I don't I might not be what Vince McMahon thinks is the star, but I can be the star maker. And so I went through so many years of my WWE career being like, listen. You're just so lucky to be here. You've got a seat at the table, and you gotta help everyone else. And by the like we said, by the time I got to the very end, my husband said to me, he goes, nanny, you deserve to be a champion. He's like, you are a star, and you've paid your dues, and you've earned this. But it didn't come with like, to me, like, treating everybody with respect, treating everybody how I wanted to be treated because I work with some of the most, like, extraordinary people in the world. John Cena is one of them. And let me let me give you a little quick little story about John Cena. And this is gonna not shock you, but you're gonna like the story. So my husband and I have a place that we train people. We train them for free. It's private kind of invite only. It's it's called the dungeon, and it's where we volunteer we volunteer fifty two weeks a year to help other wrestlers learn their tighten up their craft. So last week, John Cena reaches out to me and he says, hey. He goes, can I come to the dungeon? And I was like, sure. Like, I I would love that. I was like, anything you need, John. I was like, if you need a key and you wanna come train privately, because I know he's, you know, preparing for his final matches in WWE. Right. And so he goes, no. I don't wanna train privately. He goes, I wanna come to your class, and I wanna watch what you do, and I wanna I want to give back. Wow. And he goes, please tell me the night, and I'll book it off. I he goes, I will clear my full schedule to come to the dungeon. So so he he reaches out to me this morning because he's he's coming tonight. And he says, hey, Nati. It's it's by the way, it's 07:55AM. And he goes, hey, Nati. I just wanna double check that we're still still on for tonight. I'm so excited about it. And I'm so grateful for this opportunity that you're gonna let me come to the dungeon. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And so I'm like, this is John Cena. He's the biggest you know, like, one of the biggest stars in the world. And he is telling me that he is so grateful for the opportunity to come to our warehouse in the middle of nowhere with no air conditioning to help young aspiring wrestlers. That is something. That sentence that at the very end, he said, I'm so grateful for this opportunity. Like, to me, like, that's why John Cena is where he is at because he's never stopped being grateful. Yep. And by the way, one of the reasons you're where you're at is that when I ask a question about you, you choose to speak about somebody else. And so it's false why you're where you're at. And by the way, John, that's incredible, and I admire that. And I think I think of you, I think of gratitude. I also think of Yes. Diddough. Natty's always there's two types of people in life. There's a type of person when they walk in a room, they say, here I am, and and and they're the star of the show in their own mind. And then there's very special people that walk in a room, and they say, there you are. And in Natty's case, she has every reason in the world to walk in and go, here I am, and she doesn't. She walks into the room and says, there you are. She makes other people feel special. The other thing that you have a model of the world, I just wanna give this back to you so that you know that you have this and just point it out, is that you've never believed that if someone else succeeded, it meant you couldn't. And so many people have this model of the world. They think success is this finite pie that, oh, if they get two slices, I get one less. That's not how it works. What you've done is you've expanded the pie where you can win and they can win. Just because someone else is winning everybody doesn't mean you can't. You don't have to root against them. So many people truly, privately, don't wanna see other people succeed. They really don't. They act like they do, but they don't. You really want to. And that's what I one of the things I think is the most special about you. You also have to be here's another question. You talk about it in the book, but I don't want you to talk about it. You gotta be very mentally tough, and you have to start to work on your self worth. And I know enough about you over the years that I think that self worth piece, just like for me, is a struggle. It is. It's still it's still to this day. I have to work on that. So those two things. I'm just curious. Do you have any tools or practices that you do that help you with that stuff? It's it's definitely a it's a work in progress for me because, you know, I'm I pride myself on being very down to earth. I I like being humble. I don't like looking at myself as a celebrity or as like, I just I to me, I'm just a regular person. You know? Like, I I don't like, I know people, you know, watch us on TV every week. We're on Netflix. We're on the USA Network. WWE has this massive reach, and it's amazing. But I also we're we're all just human. You know what I mean? And I know what it's like to have nothing, and I know what it's like to have a little bit of everything. But the one thing that's really been helping me a lot lately with my confidence is and this is a really great message in in the book, but for everybody watching is that you shouldn't be afraid ever to build your own table. Build your own seat at the table. Build, create, try like, fight, try, like, to just do something. And so for me, it's like, you know, I I stopped waiting for people to knock on my door and say, we've got this. We've got this. I want you to do that. I want you to to me, it's like, no. No. No. No. No. You can't ever expect anybody to build you a seat at the table or build you a table. Like, to me, like, part of what is fun about life part of what is fun about life is figuring it out. And then when I was figuring it out, I realized, why am I waiting for anybody to do anything for me? I'm going to build my own table. And while I was building my own table, I would I would ask, like, my bosses at WWE. I'd say, hey. I have this idea. Can I do it? Because I had the courage to ask them a question, they would, almost nine out of 10 times, say yes. And I was like, wow. I had no idea that just by asking. Like, it it's just again, that kind of stuff helped me build my confidence, but don't wait for anybody to wake you up and go, hey. Like, success doesn't just come to you. You gotta chase success. You know what I mean? Like, for for me, I I love chasing it. It's part of, like, I love having new goals. I love having new dreams. I love building you know, in the last year and a half, I built a brand new character with the blessing of WWE. I built it outside of WWE, and we're very close to bringing it to WWE. No spoilers. But I built this brand new character. I wrote a book. I did an audiobook. There's so many things that I was like, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna just wait for anyone to give me hand me anything. I'm gonna build it myself Rock movie so much. I don't know if you saw the smashing machine. It was, like, it was the most vulnerable you've ever seen Duane. And what I loved about it was because I I watched a lot of his interviews, and, I was just inspired by it. He was like, listen. You know? I did this for me. He went to the most vulnerable place that he could go. And when when I was watching the movie, I was stunned. You see him crying. You see, you know, you see some very, very heavy, very deep, dark scenes. And I thought this is brilliant. Like, he's going back to his roots in the most vulnerable way, but he's doing it for him. He's building a new table for himself where it's like, yeah. Done all these, you know, $100,000,000 blockbuster hits. But now I'm going like, now you see him. It's like this is like a Shawshank type, you know, film where it's like there's a deep, deep message in the movie. And I was like, yeah. He's not worrying so much about a you know, I'm sure he he he wants it to do great financially, but this is for him. This is a role for him. It's not even close that it was his best work ever, and and it's not even close. And, and by the way, there she goes again talking about other people. By the way, you guys, I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but Duane writes the foreword of the book. And so, if you understand, you know, who reveres Natty like I do, you'll understand that it's it's almost unanimous. Let me ask you a question. And you don't have to speak to the specifics. I know some of them. But here's the other thing that's remarkable. She just went through this list of all these things, you know, the the the writing, the, the new character, screenplay, whatever, all this stuff. Okay? I want you all to know something, and we're not gonna talk about what those things are. She did not do this during years of her life that were like all the conditions were perfect either. In other words, I know Natty a little bit, and so I can tell you that there's been moments the last five, six, seven years since we've known each other that there's been, like, really tough stuff going on in her life, a lot of different places. Right. Need to talk about that because I think a lot of people think, well, no. I have to get to this place where I sound like Natty sounds now. Then I'm gonna create all this abundance. Then I'm gonna create all these great things. That's actually not what happened. You've been doing a lot of this stuff during some not perfect times in your life, and there's been things in your family that had to get adjusted and injuries and injuries you spend and all kinds of different things. Like, there's been a lot thrown at you Right. Still created from there. In other words, you didn't wait till everything settled down. That's what everyone does. When everything when the kids get out of the house, when the when I get my money saved, when I get this in place, when I do this, you didn't for all that. You did it during, really, just during life, during the afternoons. That's another really great point is that you just can't again, you can't wait for people to come to you, and you can't wait like, even within WWE, it's a very, very fast paced ever turning wheel. And so if I was to wait for, you know, my bosses to hand me the perfect story line or the perfect character, like, nobody knows me better than I know me. And so, like, that was the thing when I when I was writing the book. I was like, why don't you do this character? This is who you always wanted to be. Why not? And so I'm sitting here trying to tell the world to chase their dreams, and I was like, Nanny, why don't you just do what you always wanted to do? That little girl that trained in the dungeon, that gritty, you know, Steward's granddaughter came from the dungeon, this, like, you know, very, like, gritty, tough, rough around the edges girl. You know, I I was able to build this character with the permission of WWE. For the first time, Ed, in eighteen years in April, I asked I asked my boss, h h h. I said, can I do this outside show? It's called Bloodsport. It's kinda like a it's it's it's it's more of a fight fighting type like, it's a little bit MMA. And I said, can I during WrestleMania week? I'm not on WrestleMania. So, yes, I was disappointed not to be in WrestleMania because, of course, we all wanna be on WrestleMania. But I was like, listen. If If I'm not gonna be at WrestleMania, I'm not gonna have a pity party over it. I'm gonna do something else, and I'm gonna soar with it. So I walked up to my boss. He was doing a million things. And there was a little part of me that was like, oh, he's not gonna have time for me, or he's he's gonna be busy, or he's, know, he's got so much other stuff on his mind. Don't bother him. I just walked right up to him. He he said yes right away. I said, I just wanna do this this outside show, and I just would love to do it. He's like, go for it. And, we we handled it with the proper trended worldwide for two days. And, it just over like, it was it was during WrestleMania weekend. So I I was like, I'm gonna build a new character. I'm gonna have a new outfit. I'm gonna have new music. I'm gonna have new hair. I'm gonna have an entourage come out to the ring with me. I'm gonna create this whole entrance. I'm gonna just have this energy. The girl that I was wrestling, I flew her in from Tokyo. And I said, I'm gonna fly you in from Japan. She could only train with me for twelve hours. But I said, I want to train with you so that we can get our performance down and make it magical. So she got off the plane after flying in from Tokyo. We went straight to the dungeon. We trained for, like, twelve hours. I after we left the dungeon, I literally drove her right back to the airport because she had to go wrestle the next day next couple days in Japan. Everything about I I treated that performance in front of a thousand people. I treated it like it was my WrestleMania. I poured my heart into it, and it went viral. And a couple days after the event, h h h is getting ready to get inducted into the WWE hall of fame. And he walks up to me backstage, and he goes, I saw all the footage. I saw all the videos. It it's everywhere. Like, he's like, it looked amazing. I'm so proud of you. And it was such an moment for me that you cannot wait for anyone to just hand you anything. You know? And because I started building my own seat at the table and running with it and chasing success and going, why not me? You know what I mean? Like, why am I waiting for anyone to just hand me anything? Just run hard after it. And if you run too hard, they could pull you back. But even when I wrote the book, there were some chapters that I really struggled with. I didn't wanna hurt my dad. You know, even though my dad passed away many years ago, I there was a very big part of me that didn't wanna hurt him in in in writing about tough times. So, you know, I just poured my heart and soul out onto the pages, and then I was like, just sleep on it. I know this is tough stuff to write about, but just sleep on it. See how you feel about it in the morning. And I kept on sleeping on it and sleeping on it and sleeping on it realizing, like, you cannot have stars without darkness. You can't have there's so much good on the other side of this bad stuff. I want people to realize that you can't like, part of life is, again, figuring it out, that people have to see the the hard stuff that I go through to realize the great stuff at the end of it. You know? So so that's why I shared the stuff about my dad that was very hard. I shared stuff about TJ's injury that was very hard. I cried very hard reading those chapters about TJ's injury because we went through a lot of grieving after he lost his career and lost his dreams and almost died. Like, we we went through so much together personally that it I realized, wow. This strengthened our relationship so much. Like, we're in such a different place as a couple because of what we went through. And also now TJ, currently, today, is in the best place of his entire life because we survived so many hard things together, especially losing his career. Like, he's he's exactly where he's supposed to be, and part of his injury really catapulted him to where he is today. Who you are is very much the same. But you've you are now stepped into a part of your power, Natty, that you didn't step into prior. Like, you've tapped into something. By the way, do me a favor. Like, Don't get out of this space. There's the natty, the legendary wrestler and the entertainer, but then there's this, which is the person who can help people achieve their dreams and heal themselves. I believe that this is the real thing you're supposed to be doing long term. I'm just watching you. And as somebody who does that, I can just tell you you've tapped into a power you did not have when I met you, whatever that was, seven or eight years ago. It's just errant to me. It's like, wow. Just listening to you talk. By the way, everybody, there's that version of you as well. There's that version that exists right now, and then there's there's other levels you'll tap into as you begin to express different parts of yourself as you go through trauma. Like, I met you during that time during when TJ's injury has ended his career, ended his career. And I remember Right. These. And to see what you've the two of you have turned your relationship into and your lives into is just it's a testimony. This has not been a smooth road for this woman. Just want you all to know that. It's it's and it's exemplified in the book. I got two questions for you before we end. By the way, like, this has been so good. I wish we were both. So good. Is this it this is personal. I'm just curious. Like, is this in any way changed or altered, improved your faith or your spirituality? Or, like, is there any, is that an altered at all the last five, eight years at all, if you don't mind me asking a personal question like that? I I feel like especially going through losing my dad and TJ's injury, you know, and his injury, like, I I write about this a little bit in the book, but, like, when before he was going derpulbe aside, and he was like, it's surgeon doctor Uribe. He he did a a very intricate surgery on TJ, which was a high risk because he was working with you know, where TJ's injury is is c one, vertebrae. Right above that is the brain stem. So it's, like, as delicate as it could possibly be. And he said to me before the surgery, he goes, do you believe in God? He goes, I just wanna ask you if you believe in God. I said, yes. I very much believe in God. And he goes, let's pray. And we prayed before TJ went into surgery. And I because we didn't know what was on the other side. You know, the surgery was only supposed to be ninety minutes, and it ended up being four hours because of how hard of how delicate it was, but also because working through TJ's neck muscles, they were they were so thick and so dense. And so they really have to like, I didn't know about any of this kind of stuff until, of course, you you have to go through it in real time. So the entire time TJ was in surgery, I was just praying to God and praying to God and praying to God. He comes out of surgery, and there was a chance that he could have been paralyzed because of where they were working with the like, they if they were, like, a millimeter away from if they touch this artery, it could have been life or death. If they touch the spinal cord or dinged it or tapped it or anything, TJ, he's like, we have to wake him up at the after the surgery, we have to make sure he can feel his legs and make sure that, you know, what we do, like, we that's not out of the question. So the whole entire time that I was waiting, the four hours, I was praying to God. God did not let me down. And when TJ woke up, he when he came to, they capped his legs. He could move his arms. He could move his legs, and he was alive. And I realized that, you know, TJ, with with the kind of injury that he had, that he has, it's the same injury that Christopher Reeves had. It's just he you know, you when you think Christopher Reeves, anybody that's familiar with that, you see Christopher Reeves. He's in a wheelchair. He's with an apparatus and a breathing tube, and he, you know, he had a shortened life because of what the injury was, because he had a broken neck at the base of his brain. I just thank God every single day that TJ is alive, that he's well, that he's happy, he's thriving. He's in the best place of his life, and it made my faith stronger. It it just made me feel like there is, you know, so much to be grateful, but, like, it just it was, again, another layer, another bond, another like, he was somebody that totally at our backs. And when when TJ woke up from surgery, he just burst into tears, but it was like happy tears. He just cried. He cried for a few minutes. And then, like, it was like, I'm not I'm not I'm not paralyzed, and I'm here. I'm still here. And so I you know, we again, like, not to get too heavy, but I just feel like our relationship with God was strengthened because of those hard times. And now, again, I can't reiterate enough. Like, TJ's in the best place of his life right now. Who are you, by the way? So are you. Thank you. Thank you. You're the best you've been. Okay. I'm gonna ask you a last question, but before I do it, I want everyone to understand we've been talking about this in the beginning. This is the last heart beating. Okay? Go get it. By the way, one of the great follows on all of social media is also Natty. Like, she's just really good. She posts a lot, and that's awesome stuff. So follow her there. Wanna ask you this last I was just thinking about it. I wasn't gonna ask you this, but just listening to you today made me think about it. I wonder, if I went back to, like, that 14, 15, 16 year old you, and, you know, I can picture her. She comes from this family of all these very successful people. Her dad's like my dad. You know, he just wasn't stable. It's just Right. Just there wasn't stability. Right. We try to do it for my daughter, especially, is just provide stability and strength and safety that she could feel safe. You didn't get all of that, and a lot of people listening to this didn't either. And then, obviously, you basically were homeless if it wasn't for your grandfather. I just wanted that little girl that's in that house there. What would she think seriously, what would she think if she saw you now? Like, what what would she say? What would she think? Like, would it even be possible at that time to be where you're at, the space in your life? I it's funny because I think about, like, just it's it's like there's been so much there have been so many things that we've gone through and that we were trying to uncover. And, like, I we talked about it a little earlier. Like, when I was growing up as a little girl and, you know, there was there was such happy times with my dad because he was such a larger than life person. He he like, if I describe him, like, he's kinda like John Candy in that movie Planes, Strains, and Automobiles. He's very lovable. He's very, like he was always the life of the party. He was always very charming, but then there was this pendulum of when things would get bad, they were really bad. And so I spent a lot of my childhood just trying to find stability and trying to make sure that nobody was gonna take everything that we had. And so when I was a little girl, I feel like now I'm able to identify with I was constantly struggling for control. I was constantly even at a young age, I remember, and I wrote about this in the book, but my dad had gotten into a fight in a bar. Some guy they were we were watching the Super Bowl with my dad. He'd just gotten in off the road, and some guy shoved my dad in a bar. And my dad, like, went to shove him back. And I was like I don't even think I was 10 years old, but I, like, got in between my dad and this bar fight and tried to stop this bar fight between these two big, like, men. And I look back on that time. That's why I wrote about it in the book because I was a little girl trying to, like, control the situation. You know? Because I was trying to make sure my dad didn't get into trouble. Like, I knew that that could lead my dad to getting into trouble, so I was trying to stop it. Every time my dad would lose his job, I would try to stop it. And I would be like, you know, if we can I just prayed hard enough? If I just prayed hard enough, it would you know, he would keep his job or he would do better. He would love us more. He would be better. And so now I look at that. I look at me, and I look at how it was growing up, and I'm like, I'm so grateful for all those experiences because it truly made me stronger. It made me appreciate everything so much more. It made me appreciate my family. It made me appreciate my my my life. It made me appreciate all the things that I have now. Like, everything I have now, I don't take it for granted, you know, because I know what it's like to struggle, and I know what it's like to not have a lot. Like, we we you know, getting your when you're a little girl and your car gets repossessed in your in your driveway and your you lose your home when your dad, you know, constantly loses his job and you just go through all this stuff. Like, the thing is is that was my journey. It if I had not gone through that edge, I would not have the work ethic that I have today. And I would not I sure as hell would have not survived WWE nineteen years in. And in a way that I've had you know, I and I'm proud of it. I have six world records for basically outworking everyone. I have outworked every woman that's ever wrestled ever, you know, in in the way that I have the most a record for the most matches, a record for the most wins, a record for the most pay per view matches, a record for the most WrestleMania matches. If I had not gone through so much as a little girl, I would not have had the grit that I have today to be the person that I am today, to chase the dreams that I wanna chase today. You gotta go through the hard times in order to find like, in order for me to be where I'm at now, I had to go through that. That. I had to figure it out. It's given me a lot of compassion towards people, especially towards my dad. Because after my dad passed away and we were able to understand more of what was going on with his health, I forgave him. And I have this deeper love for my dad now. It's like, that's why I wanted to dedicate my book to my dad because we had to go through that journey with him to really understand and to get to where I'm at now. So I'm extremely grateful for it. But I'm so proud of where I'm at today. Oh, of course, it's still a day to day struggle because even with even with this book tour, I'm like, I hope people wanna read the book. That little girl is like that little insecure girl is creeping in. I'm like, I hope they read the book. I hope they like the book. I hope they understand the book. I hope I don't piss off my family. I hope I don't piss off my bosses. And I'm like, you know what, Nanny? It's done. Just enjoy it. Just enjoy it. Just enjoy the book now. Let everybody just enjoy it and take it in as they wanna take it in. Yep. I'm so happy for you, and I'm proud of you too. You guys see why I tell you that she's one of my favorites of all time? And for the record, this was an exemplary amazing conversation today. Oh, it really was. Step into a power of, it's an anointing is what it really is. And, it's just I'm just sitting back here. This is awesome, you know, and you're awesome. And and so everybody first off, Maddie, thank you. You're busy, and I know you had to arrange some stuff to be here today. So thank you for doing this today for everybody in the audience. Thank you, Ed. Thank you. I love her. She's in the awesome, you guys. Go get go get the last heart beating. Go follow Natty on social media. You got anybody healing. Anybody wants to work on their self esteem, their self confidence, their work ethic. They wanna be a record breaker. They wanna be a boat, which she uses in the book instead of goat. The term boat is another thing that's in the book that you should see. Share this episode with them. Okay, you guys? God bless you. Max out.

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## Nutritional Expert Reveals Why You Have Cravings and How To Stop Them | Ed Mylett

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfTDKSpa1ig
- **Published:** 2 months ago

[Transcript not available]

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- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cY5Z9IYd6g
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- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Di3RORqsL8
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## Break the Patterns Holding You Back and Rewrite Your Story | MAXOUT Your Mind Masterclass (Ep. 7)

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2evPvZ6xN_c
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- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THLBm5n39so
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- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMqG4GpOuP8
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- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecgR4tl70nI
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## This One Idea Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life | Ed Mylett

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYwvqGBegzY
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## Stop Letting the World Steal Your Joy | MAXOUT Your Mind Masterclass - Protect Your Peace (Ep. 4)

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdBU7b8a6pQ
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## How To Master Your Emotions (and Break Emotional Barriers) | Ed Mylett

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaRPAzRgPks
- **Published:** 3 months ago

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## The Power of Being Vulnerable: The Real Reason Most People Fail at Love | Ed Mylett [deepgram]

- **URL:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WhUPR_yprQ
- **Published:** 1 month ago

Everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show. Whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, here's our first guest. Welcome back, everybody. Well, let's talk about love today. Let's talk about a little love. I'm so excited for today. So many people knew that this man was coming on, and they're like, ask him this. Ask him that. Ask him this. I'll try to get the questions in for you guys. Alright? But I got a lot of my own too. So Humble the poet is with me here today, otherwise known as Kanwar Singh. But he said if I said his name correctly, which I think I did, that I've worked too hard to prepare for the interview. So we're gonna call him Humble. Humble the poet's here today. Our mutual friend, Lewis Howes, was just with us, and he said, not only is he a poet, but his life is poetry. So I can't wait to ask him a bunch of questions about the topic of love. He's got a book out called How to be Love, duh, both individually and the plural. Simple truths for going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection, and loving your way to a better life. Man, do I need to know more about this? So Humble the Poet, welcome, brother. Thank you so much for having me. Dude, your work is so good. Oh, I appreciate it, man. And what I love about the way you wrote this book is it's a bunch of very short, easy to understand chapters. So you can move through the book. If you wanna read part of it right now and put it down for a day, you can pick it back up. Yep. Did you do that intentionally? Just curious. I did. So I was I was an elementary school teacher before all of this, and the big word is accommodation, how to make things easier for everybody. So the way I write my books is you don't have to read them in order. You can just open up to any page, and you'll find something you connect with. Yep. And, for me as an artist, it's like the challenge is, can I make it so you can open it up anywhere, find something you dig? But if you go end to end, is there also a thread that connects it? Yeah. So it's a lot of really a lot of really fun challenges for me to kinda make it all happen. Yeah. But, yeah, I understand. Now, look, to get the idea across, you only need a couple of pages, and we can explore those pages. And, what I'm trying to do is to get people to start a journey. I'm not here to have all the answers. I'm just the kid at the front of the class sharing everything that he's learning while he's taking notes. Well, actually, it's funny you say that because the first chapter of the book is love is a path, not a destination. Yeah. Yeah. What the heck does that mean? I think so often we think that there's, like, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and we don't realize that the pot of gold is the rainbow. You know? It's not about because we watch movies, and there's always a happily ever after. You know, we don't know what the day after their happily ever after is. But our lives move in cycles. We have, you know, maybe not in LA, but we have four seasons, and things move circular. And and I think it's just really important to understand that that it's not about what the work gets you. It's who you become doing all of this work, who you become on this journey. Mhmm. And, again, different cultures believe in different things, but this idea that there's something at the end waiting for us really has us always not appreciating where we are. You know? So it's really about climbing a mountain, not worrying about getting to the top, and enjoying the view every step of the way. Yeah. That sounds good. But, man, even me in my life, I've struggled with that. Like, I've struggled with enjoying right now Yeah. Because I'm looking so forward to the next thing that I've got. Yeah. And you when you meet you, like, there's there's a tranquility. That's a word that I would use to describe you. A tranquility about you. And I think, like, the topic of love itself. Louis and I were just talking. Mhmm. And one of the things that we both acknowledge about ourselves is our the work we're doing on allowing ourselves to feel loved. Mhmm. I'm pretty good at giving love Mhmm. But receiving it. And your work's profound because it's not it explores a loving relationships with other people Mhmm. And the one you have with yourself. How do you think the one you have with yourself affects the one you have with other people? I think the one the one that we have with ourselves is the only one. And our relationships with everybody else and every other thing is just a mirror of that of that relationship. Woah. You know? Like, as you're talking about this this challenge to receive love, I think a lot of us, especially men, were kinda subtly signaled to put up these walls to protect ourselves. Yeah. Not realizing that these walls were prisons. You know? And we were blocking a lot of a lot of love and the pathways of love to realize love. They weren't it wasn't coming in because these walls were preventing us from being vulnerable. Vulnerability is the number one thing you need to create a connection. Mhmm. You know? For me and you to become closer and closer friends is gonna require us to get more and more vulnerable with each other. You know? Louis mentioning us going to Poland, we we we suffered together and we got closer. You know, had we gone to an all all inclusive resort trip to Hawaii, we wouldn't have bonded the same way. You know, we bonded off of sharing our fears, sharing our insecurities, sharing tears together on that trip. And we put up so many walls because we're afraid of being exposed. We're afraid of that. And, again, it's not zero in a 100. You don't have to go and and start sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with somebody. What I learned was have two vulnerable stories in your pocket that you can share with a complete stranger that would not scare them away. Give me an example of that. So one of mine is my relationship with my puppy. So I had a I had a German shepherd for eleven years. He lived out his life, and we had to make the decision to put him to sleep because his hips gave away so he couldn't walk. And after that, I never wanted to own a dog again, you know, to to to watch your your child, you know, pass away in your arms. Yeah. It it broke my heart, so I would just be everybody else's backseat dog owner without having one myself, until somebody, you know, during the pandemic said, hey. Somebody had ordered this puppy through a breeder, and, they thought it was gonna turn out red or brown, and it came out black. They don't want it. Do you want this puppy? And I was like, dog racism. That's so weird. But also, I plan on moving to this. I I lived in Toronto, in Canada, and I was like, I'm I'm moving to The States. I can't have a puppy. You know, a few shots of tequila later, I was like, I need the puppy. You know, I need the puppy. Give me the puppy. And even then, after I signed up for the puppy, I still have to wait. The puppy was just born that day. I had to wait two months. And I got I got this beautiful puppy and, you know, she took the plane ride over here with me, and she's been living her beautiful girl LA life, and it's been amazing. And during the pandemic, you drop your dog off at the vet at the front door. They don't let you in. That's right. And for the groomer, same thing. Everything. Yeah. And then, you know, as everything subsided, I I went to a vet in Studio City, and I went inside, and I saw the metal table. And I instantly had an emotional reaction because I hadn't seen that since I put my previous dog to sleep. And I didn't realize how much it would emotionally, you know, get me jarring. So that is, you know and so it helps me realize how much of an emotional journey I've had, owning animals and also realizing that I if everything works out the way it's supposed to, I will always outlive them. You know? Because even with this new puppy, she's a smaller breed, but that's still max fifteen years. So that's an example of me being vulnerable, and I can tell that to a stranger without being worried that it's gonna scare them away. No. It actually already makes me feel more connected to you and like you more too. And it also gives you an opportunity to be vulnerable with me. Exactly right. And I think that's the thing we all learn whether we paid attention to or not is when we're authentically vulnerable with other people, they generally don't judge us, and they see that as an opportunity for them to feel safe and not to be vulnerable with us, you know, and I think that's the important part. Bro, I love you because I have to tell you something. I love you too, man. I'm not great at a lot of things. Yeah. I'm really not. That is something I'm pretty darn good at is being vulnerable, especially as I've gotten older. Mhmm. And I have found that that's been the pathway in my life to having other people open up to me Yes. And to connect me with them. Whereas I used to have the prison you described. Mhmm. Whereas, hey. I just need to let you know how great I am. Yeah. How perfect I am. Yeah. And not show any of those weaknesses or vulnerabilities or anything actually even real. Yeah. You know? But the other thing that made me think of when you're telling the story about when you lost your dog, the German shepherd. Right? That you were like, I'm not gonna have another one again. That's how a lot of people have felt about having another loving relationship. And I I coach so many people. I'm so blessed to coach so many people that have achieved, you know, certain levels of financial success or impact. But I have to tell you, one of the three lines is if they've been in what they thought was a loving relationship, and it ended in a way that disappointed them or hurt them. There's a lot of people even right now listening to this that are like, and I'm not doing that again. I'm not risking the pain. I'm not risking the hurt again, the disappointment again in my life. I'll just sort of put those walls up myself, male or female, and I'm gonna live in this sort of protected place. I might date. I might get a little physical action in my life, but I am not letting someone back in Yeah. To my deepest, you know, emotions and feelings. Yeah. Do you see that? And what would you say to somebody who's thinking that? I I mean, I see that. I live that. You know? You know, I'm listen. I've I've I've Wait. You live that right now? I've I've I we all live that. Listen. I'm not here to pretend that I've solved all my problems around love and, you know, now buy the book and you'll be perfect like me. No. That's not this. I'm on my journey just like you guys. This is the journey of awareness, and it's and it's being aware of your own patterns. And I definitely have protective mechanisms up whether I'm aware of them or not. Mhmm. And I think the big thing that I've realized is, you know, I think there's a 50¢ quote about, you know, the kid it's it's the kid that avoids the the fight at school that ends up with a black eye. And I think it's the same thing. A lot of the things that we think we're protecting ourselves from, we're inviting them. You know? You don't wanna say anything the conflict happens eventually. It it blows up anyways. You don't wanna express your needs because you don't want to get rejected. But then not expressing your needs means your your needs are already not being met. So I I what I realized with me is every time I did put up those walls, because I didn't wanna be disappointed, you know, it would lead to further disappointment. I was just sabotaging myself. It's almost like you get a flat tire and you slash the other three. You know? It doesn't take you where you need to be. And I think the other part that's really important with all of that is negative emotions like pain, these these aren't the enemy. These these are messages. You know? Pain pain can be telling you, hey. This isn't a person you need to be around. It could also be telling you take your hand off that hot stove. Pain is a message. It's a gift. Anxiety is a message. It's a gift. The challenges we have when we try to suppress the pain, suppress the anxiety, negative emotions, you know, if you humans, there's an emotion wheel. You can Google emotion wheel for humans. The only positive emotions there are happiness and surprise, and surprise can go either way as positive or negative. Every other emotion would be considered negative, but that's what keeps us alive. You don't learn when you're happy. You don't survive when you're happy. It's the emotions that we consider negative that make us learn, make us grow, make us unlock our potential. You know? Wow. You go to the gym, an easy day at the gym would not be considered a successful day at the gym. You're right. You know? We require pain. And there's a chapter in the books that says love is sitting with your pain. It does. Yeah. You know? I as as as a guy, when when when my partner, or my past partner would express her pain to me, a complaint, it would trigger my I I would be a fixer. Let me fix it. Let me fix it. Let me fix it. Very masculine male thing to do, isn't it? And I and I thought for a long time because, you know, there's a lot of, you know, pop culture TV shows who kinda create these kind of labels, like the man is the fixer, the woman is the vendor. But what I realized was, no. I'm not fixing because I care to fix it. I'm trying to fix it because she's triggering my pain, and I want to stop feeling my pain. Because the way that I try to fix it is if I can't give her an actual pragmatic solution, then I may try to downplay the pain and be like, well, you know, other people have it worse. Or it might be like, that's not even really a problem. But the real goal is to make my pain go away because she's triggering it. She's reminding me of my pain. And what I learned way too late in life is empathy is sitting in the pain with that person. If you express pain to me, I don't need to solve it. I need to feel my pain. Now let's just sit together and be in that pain. And we we can hug it out, cry it out, and build a deeper connection that way. Oh. Yeah. And it's not something that, again, as you and and you even used the term one time of vulnerability. We used that term weakness, showing people my weaknesses. But vulnerability is a strength. It's just we've been signaled maybe from those who raised us, maybe from a society that raised us, that vulnerability is somehow a weakness because it's what will allow people to to to harm you. You know? Like, as if it's like a you know, we have vulnerable parts of our body, protect them, you know, if you get in a fight. But your vulnerability in terms of your story, your vulnerability in terms of your fears, you know, there are people gonna try to exploit those because those are people in pain themselves. Oh, boy. But in general, it's what creates that connection with other people, and it's realizing that, a, I don't wanna feel any pain even though that is the only direction that growth exists. If you wanna go from a bad place to a better place, you have to go through a worse place, and it's no different than pushing yourself in the gym. It's it's gotta it's gotta kinda suck. Yeah. You know? And that's the only way that I'm gonna grow from this. And it's the same thing where, you know, sitting in a room by yourself with your thoughts, letting the anxiety build up, not having a phone, not having any distractions, and just feeling yourself being super uncomfortable because you're so used to dopamine and rewards and all of a sudden being like, oh my god, like, I can't I don't wanna sit with my own thoughts. You know? So what we and I feel lonely and I feel scared sitting through that and realizing that we're not our thoughts. We're not our feelings. We are what's experiencing these thoughts. We are what's experiencing these feelings. You are not happy. You are not sad. You are feeling happy. You are feeling sad. And in your in your entire life, every single emotion you've ever felt eventually faded away, good or bad. Mhmm. And it's just that reminder of, like, this is all going this is all temporary on different levels and running towards it instead of doing everything we can to avoid it, is the recipe to actually realize more love. Because the love is always there. Mhmm. What we have to do is create pathways for the love to flow. Wow. You know, me and you right now getting to know each other as we're building our bridge for love to flow between us. Now we're slowly paving it. Now if we have a conflict and we just threw a piece of rubble in between and that's blocking the flow, and then we have to have a conversation to clear that. So my belief with love is it's always there. And what we're doing is establishing pathways with ourselves and other people, and it's the same same rules. I gotta be if I wanna be closer to you, I have to be vulnerable with you. If I wanna be closer to myself, I have to be vulnerable with myself. How can I be vulnerable with myself? Well, I can journal, and I can write all my thoughts out. Prayer, I think prayer is an irrespective of your religious beliefs, prayer is an authentic moment to express what you actually want and desire and to express what you actually are grateful for. Mhmm. Because those are the times that you're not doing it for anybody else but yourself. And and those or whoever you are praying to, that will allow you to be more deeply vulnerable with yourself. Mhmm. Dancing. Dancing with yourself. Feel your body. Just dance all by yourself. Feel how your body moves. You're becoming more intimate with yourself. Intimacy is a level of vulnerability. You can hug yourself. It's called self havening. Mhmm. You know? These are examples. If you go on my Instagram right now, one of my pinned videos is is me in my underwear looking in the mirror. And and the reason I made that is because self love is is as I said, it's embracing imperfections. You know? I'm I'm not 10% of body fat. And I went there in my underwear, and I said, look. I'm looking at my body with gratitude. Mhmm. I've always looked at my body like most of us have and been, oh, I could I could improve that. Oh, I can trim down over there. Oh, I wish my shoulders were bigger. Oh, I wish you know? And and women, it's probably even more in terms of expectations around their body. Why do you think, by the way I wanna acknowledge something with you. That was one of the most riveting experiences for me on the show ever. Everything you just threw out there. I appreciate that, man. I mean it. Like, you can tell by my face probably. Mhmm. I wanna I wanna ask jump in on that, and I'm gonna come back. Like, I'm serious. That was really, a beautiful expression right there. Why can't you do both? Why is that always a choice in our space of a, I either just really love myself, or I have to fix everything? Why can't I actually love myself and still go, but I I wanna be 10% body fat? What's that's not a bad thing. Right? And I'm not I'm not disagreeing with you. I think what we need to do is we need to realize that in life, we're always moving. We're always moving. So you're either growing or you're or you're shrinking. Right. So I what I say is in the book, I said love is progress, not perfection. I love that part of the book. Yeah. Yeah. So there needs to be progress. Yep. You know? And as I said, like, you're climbing the hill. Yep. Right? Not promising yourself immaculate happiness when you hit the top. Yep. You're enjoying every step of the way. Yeah. And I think a really good analogy for that, would be video games. You're not when you play a video game, let's say you dropped $80 on a brand new video game, you're not trying to rush to the end. You're trying to soak in every moment, every challenge, everything. It's really good. And that's how I view life. You know? It's, you know, as I said, going I I have I have a cousin who got in really good shape. And I was like, what what program are you on? He's like, I just started working out because I felt sad, and I go to the gym when I'm sad. And, you know, and I'm like, well, you must have been very sad because you look great. And I think, you know, working out to feel good will also give you the consequences of of That's a good point. The the body or or what have you. You know, you'll start to realize, hey, oh, man. If I have, you know, a a a bacon double cheeseburger before my workout versus a salad or something Mhmm. I can feel the difference. And so you'll you'll naturally start making adjustments to your diet Yeah. To feel good. To feel good. Feeling good is always more important than looking good. You're so you're so right. You know one thing I just realized about myself as you were talking? This is for the men who are like, oh, boy. We're talking about love. You know? I know I know some of my male friends even. Right? Yeah. Man, you better be listening right now. Yeah. You better still be here because you just said something a few minutes ago that I need to go back to. I need to do a much better job of allowing others to sit for me to sit in pain with them Mhmm. And myself. Mhmm. My inclination is to constantly fix it, put it away. And you're a billion percent right if I'm being honest. It's because it reminds me of experiencing my own pain. Yeah. You're a million percent right, and I do that all the time. I'm constantly trying to fix things. Oh, I got the answer for that. Oh, this is what you gotta do. Oh, we can put that away. And just sitting in that pain, by the way, the few times in my life, and it is few, that I've given myself the gift of that experience, it's been transformative. It's been wonderful. It's actually a gift you could give yourself. And as you were talking, I was talking to myself going, man, I've really robbed that gift of not others necessarily, but also myself of sitting in it and coming to a deeper level of understanding about myself. Yeah. And I really wanna thank you for that. Welcome back to the show today, everybody. So excited you're with me. Today's topic is self love, and it's probably one of the most common topics on all of social media or podcasting. But I'd like to take a look at loving oneself from a different perspective today, kind of my angle on it, and it's probably a little bit different than you've heard before. You know, I've often said with many of my friends that I want my friends to love me, but I don't want them to accept me. And I think sometimes we conflate loving oneself with having to accept everything about ourselves. And I just don't believe that's true. In fact, I don't think you can love yourself unless you're truly being yourself. You know, adhering to your values, that your disciplines, the things that you most want to pursue in your life, that you're taking actions in accordance to that, that you're living in congruency with what you say you want. And so there's a difference between loving somebody and accepting them. My great friends, I tell them all the time, I love you, I believe in you, but I don't want them to accept all my stuff. I want them to expect of me better than I'm doing. I want them to believe in me and love me so much that they see the version of me I could be, that I'm capable of becoming. I think that's what a great friend does. And I think if you're gonna be the best friend to yourself, perhaps it's time to take a look at loving oneself from a little bit different perspective. And so I understand the idea of having to feel good about yourself and and to have that internal dialogue with yourself that's favorable. I mean, let's just be honest. Studies tell us that 80%, upwards of 90% of most people's thoughts are negative about themselves in a given day. Isn't that an incredible number? 80 to 90% of our thoughts about ourself are negative? So obviously we need to take a look at that and audit that and change that. So how do we think differently about ourselves? And by the way, we don't have to believe everything we think in our life. Most of the thoughts we have aren't true anyways. Whether they're about ourselves, other people, circumstances, situations, we don't always have to just accept what we think. In fact, many of us would be better off not listening to ourselves so often and talk to ourselves a little bit more. Speak truth to ourselves. Speak power to ourselves. Speak faith to ourselves. Speak peace to ourselves. And so, here's my version of self love for today's topic, and there are other aspects of self love that I'm going to cover today, but this is the piece everybody's missing. It's like, just love yourself as you are. Well, you know, do you, would you want to do that with your children? Just anything you love them, but are you going to accept everything they do? Should there be no improvement, no behavior change, no growth? I think with most people we love, we also expect something from them in terms of the values they live up to, their performance. I love both my children very much, but when they're not living up to their capacity, when they're not living up to what they're capable of, or just behaving in a way that doesn't serve them, our family, or other people, I want to make sure they know that that's not acceptable. And so the day that I realized, write this down, the day that I realized that discipline is one of the purest forms of self love, that when you discipline yourself, you're truly loving yourself. When you discipline another person, you're discipling to them. You're loving them. Even in the Bible, Jesus rebuked the apostles when he needed to. Discipline gives me the confidence that I need to forge ahead in life. And so I want you to begin to consider, is there an element of self love or a large element of self love that requires discipline? And like I said, I want my friends to love me, but I don't want them to accept me all the time. And I want to love myself, but part of loving myself is not accepting all of my stories, not accepting all of my behavior. I mean, here's what self love really is. It's a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from the actions we take that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Self love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness and having a high enough regard for yourself. That you want to treat yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually in a way that you're worthy of and not accept from yourself behavior, that's less than that. I mean, listen, I, I love myself enough not to eat terribly all the time. I love myself enough not to not pursue my dreams and goals. I love myself enough to believe in myself enough to discipline myself to pursue my ultimate capacity because it's only then that I can reveal the true me. It's It's only then that I'm living in congruence with myself. So, I'll say it to you again, you can't love yourself if you're not being yourself. And sometimes being ourselves requires taking an inventory of who we really are, re auditing what we really want, who we really want to become. Maybe we're living an old dream or an old story. You know, maybe lately we have been behaving in a way where we're treating our bodies with the love it deserves. The hydration, the good food, the physical exercise required to truly love our bodies. And I just don't believe that you could just love yourself when you're not eating well, at least most of the time. Hydrating most of the time. If you're pouring drugs and alcohol into your body on a regular basis, that's not loving yourself. That's punishing yourself. That's hating yourself. And so this notion that self love is just like, take me as I am. That's a bunch of BS to me. I just don't believe it. And the notion that you should just continue to treat yourself poorly and just accept it, it's not what I want out of my friends. It's not what I expect out of myself. It's not what I want from my children. It's not from anybody that I love. Is that true? I, in fact, I think true love is being able to be willing to speak truth to somebody. You know, the higher you climb in life, it's harder to find real friends because everybody starts to yes you, yes you, yes you all the time. You have a lot of yes people around you. And I know the people in my life that really love me, they'll tell me the truth about me. Hey, that's BS. Or, Hey man, come on, you're better than that. Or, Cut that out. Or whatever it might be. I, I, when my friends do that at this stage in my life, those are the ones who really love me, that speak truth to me. And so the first thing I would just say is being mindful. People who have more self love tend to know what they think, what they feel, and what they want, right, on any given time and they're auditing that regularly. The second thing you do is you take actions based on need rather than want. Take actions based on need rather than want. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that tend to get you into trouble, They keep you stuck in the past. Really, they lessen self love when you have patterns and behaviors and habits that don't serve you. What increases self love is treating yourself out of what you need, not just what you want. At any given moment, I may want something, but it's not really what my body needs, my spiritual needs, my psychology needs, my mindset needs. Here's another thing you're not gonna hear every day. Self love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing them all the time just to please other people. Too many of us, including myself and maybe you, will sacrifice our own needs, what we really need in our life, just to please other people, not to inconvenience them, not to make them uncomfortable. You know, maybe what you need to do is really pursue that dream you have right now, but you're not doing it because you don't wanna make the people around you uncomfortable. Maybe what you really need to do right now is see a therapist or go to a gym or change the way you eat, but you don't wanna make the people around you uncomfortable. Don't sacrifice your own needs just to please other people. That is not a form of self love. Okay? Really, truthfully speaking, you can't transfer to somebody that which you're not experiencing yourself. What do I mean by that? If you truly want to love the people around you to your maximum capacity, your max out capacity, the limitation to your ability to show them love is actually capped by how much love you feel for yourself. You can only transfer to somebody a limited amount of what you're not experiencing. You have to be experiencing something fully in order to transfer it to somebody else. And so please understand this. To the extent that you invest in your own love, in your own care, in your and what I mean by this when I say is your own self disciplines. Remember I'm connecting self discipline and disciplines to love. The more you do those things to treat yourself wonderfully, beautifully, faithfully, the more you can extend love in a way that you've probably never experienced before to other people. When you truly have self discipline in your life, and you're doing the things that you know serve you the most, you will find a whole new level not only for yourself of love, but your ability to give it and for other people to feel it from you. So next level is this, practicing good self care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities. Like I've said, sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy, prayer, meditation, healthy social interactions. The next thing is this: you got to make room for healthy habits. Start truly caring for yourself by mirroring that in what you eat, how you exercise, and what you spend time doing. By the way, earlier when I was talking about that eighty-ninety percent of our thoughts aren't ones that serve us. What if we replace just 50% of those negative thoughts with loving, compassionate, and supportive thoughts about ourselves? What if you did that? What if you took 50% of your negative thoughts and you replace them with loving, compassionate and supportive thoughts about yourself? You would find the support you've been looking for from within. You won't need it externally. In fact, if you're constantly looking from support, I need support from my partner, support from my spouse, support from my friends. What you're really saying is, I'm not supporting myself. I need them to spell me. I need them to fill the gap. When someone is truly loving themselves, they don't need the support or the permission from other people. It's only when you're in necessity of that that there's a deficiency within you. And here's the truth, you already know how to do this for yourself. Think about a loved one, someone you truly care about and that you want to see succeed. How do you talk to them? How do you talk to the people that you love? Your children, your partner, your friends that you love? When you're speaking power and belief and love into them, how do you speak to them? What do you say to them? And begin to give yourself that same gift, that same message. So many of us that lack self love are incredible about giving it to other people. And by the way, you think you're great at it, but like I said earlier, it's limited by how much you can feel yourself. And so what you think oftentimes, here's what good people think, I'm being selfish when I work on myself. I'm being selfish. I'm bragging when I tell myself I'm built for this, or that God made me as an image in his image and likeness, or that I can do something awesome with my life. I'm bragging. I'm brash. I'm, I'm putting myself in front of other people. But the truth is you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to begin to fill your own cup with the words you speak to yourself and the actions you take about yourself. You can't just tell yourself great things and not take any of the actions. Why? Because then you lose self confidence. If you don't keep the promises you make to yourself, you begin not to trust you. And so it's not just enough to, I'm amazing. I'm amazing. I'm amazing. You're gonna have to take the actions speaking truth to yourself, like you speak to your friends, and then you begin to act in congruence with that, your self confidence explodes, your self love explodes, your self worth explodes. So So I think what I'm saying so far is there's a lot to be said for the way you speak to yourself and the actions you take to truly create self love and to feel self confidence at the same time. Let me ask you this, when a loved one's struggling and in need of support, would you kick them when they're down, or would you extend a helping hand? You know exactly what you would do. Yet in our own selves, we kick ourselves when we're down. Here I go again. I always do this. I always make mistakes. I knew I was faking it. We let the imposter syndrome come in and the thoughts start stacking in our heads about that we're not legit and we're not real and you always knew it was gonna go back to what you're worth. And so, when you're most down oftentimes is when you beat yourself up the most, and you know who needs you the most during those times? You. What I would say to you lastly before we get into some really powerful stuff here is, here's the truth. How would God speak to you? What would God tell you in that moment? Whatever your faith practice is, most of you know that I'm a Christian, but whatever your faith is, what would God speak to you right now? I remember when I first adopted my faith, someone said to me, I'd had Max and Bella many years later, and said, Can you imagine, Ed, how much you love Max and Bella as my children? That God loves you even more? God loves you even more than that. It was hard for me to get my head around that, But it's true. And so, what would God say to you when you're down? Right? Are you open to listening to that voice? And then when you do, you've truly started to love yourself. You've truly started to give yourself the gift between your faith practices, the way you speak to yourself, the actions you take. By the way, when a loved one makes a mistake, do you tell them how terrible of a person they are? Or do you give them credit for their intentions? You give them another chance. You gotta give yourself the same gift. Remember this, we really can't truly love others when we're not loving ourselves. Alright, welcome back to the show everybody. So today's show is very, very personal for me and very important to me as a man. And so I'm going to talk to you today from a male's perspective about the men in your life and some of the concerns I have that I just sense so often through a lot of the messages I receive from men online, on my Instagram, through this podcast. So many men are tired right now, and I mean that from not so much as physical, but mentally and emotionally and spiritually. So I'd like you to listen to this closely today if you have a brother or a son or a father, maybe a significant other or a husband in your life, a boyfriend, Just like you to pay attention to the things I'm going to cover about whether or not your man is very tired, and maybe even breaking a little. Now having said that, I'm covering it today as a man because I am one, but as I go through these things, this could just as easily apply to anybody, man or woman. And so many people are tired and down in our culture today, and I think we need to keep an eye on one another. But since I'm a guy I'm going to talk about it from this perspective today because I understand this one pretty well, but I know full well as I've said that many of you ladies listening to this will say, Same here, this includes me as well, and so keep an eye on your sisters also. But these are signs that maybe your man is tired or maybe even breaking a little bit. And like I said, it may not be physical, it may be more mental or emotional, but I'm gonna describe him a little bit, I'm gonna speak for him. And by the way, I'm also very, I hear all this, you know, alpha male content that's on the inner about do this and grind this and a man's gotta step up. And for the record I believe in that very wholeheartedly. I consider myself if there's such a thing, I don't know that I love the term alpha male, but I think most people that know me would say I'm an alpha of alphas almost, in the sense that I coach a lot of strong male figures and they look to me for strength and confidence as well. Having said all of that, I think some of that can be overcooked, and some of that stuff makes men not be vulnerable or authentic with their real feelings of what they're going through because they believe it's a sign of weakness. And so I wanna break some of those barriers down today. I believe you can be a strong man or a strong woman. At the same time, be vulnerable and be willing to reveal fears and insecurities and things that are bothering you. And so let's just look at some of the signs and maybe I'll describe for you some of the things that maybe your man is going through in his life. And again, of course this applies to everybody. So again, it may not be physical, it could be mental and emotional fatigue, but let me tell you, he's, he's tired of working so hard and having other people let him down. Things not working out, not catching a break here or there. And he's not gonna probably tell you about this because a man thinks if he reveals things like this, that he's tired or hurting, that it's a sign of weakness. And nobody wants a weak man, most men think. And so we're constantly putting on the face, the mask of strength, and we don't want to reveal to you that we're hurting a little bit because we don't want to scare you. We don't want you to think we're not strong. We're not an alpha. We're not stepping up. And, you know, in his case, he, he, he may or may not want to die or anything like that. And maybe he does. But although sometimes he thinks a little bit about what it might be like not to have this huge burden on his back. The feeling of being average and ordinary or invisible. Maybe he feels like he's just letting so many people down in his family because he hasn't won yet. And oftentimes in many men's lives, their favorite time of day is when they actually go to sleep because they get a chance to just hide. They get a chance to escape. And the irony is that even though he looks forward to sleeping so much, he doesn't sleep very deeply or very well because so much is on his mind. He may or may not be depressed, but I can tell you this, he feels sad often, he feels alone often, He feels isolated often. Let me just stop right there and say if any of you men are feeling that way, or any of you women are feeling that way, it's okay to feel those things and there's a way out, and we're going to talk about that towards the end. Oftentimes, maybe he feels like he's done so much for other people, and then when he needed them they let him down. That he believed in other people and gave to other people, and when the chips were down and he needed that reciprocated, they weren't there for him. That he's learned in life that a lot of these buddies of his that he went drinking with or went to a ballgame with or even grew up with, they weren't really his friends. They were there to use him. They were there to, they were there for a stage in his life. And for him, loyalty matters. For him, dedication matters. From him being there for a friend matters. And he just always assumed that that would be reciprocated and it hasn't been reciprocated. And so he's been let down. He's been hurt. And again, as I say this, I know so many of you ladies are going, Hello, I know exactly what that's like, and I know that you do. And men, if you have a woman in your life, a daughter, a sister, a mother, she may also be feeling these things, a spouse, a girlfriend, that her friends have let her down, and she feels alone. She feels isolated. She feels hurt. She feels a lack of connection in deep relationships. Perhaps she feels invisible. And oftentimes I can tell you this man that I know very well, he feels invisible and he thinks about and often hides things because he, he tries to escape. And one of his escapes can be alcohol. It could be gambling. It could be drugs. It could be pornography. It could be hiding in the lives of other people like his favorite sports team. It's one of the most insidious places men hide in our culture today is they hide in professional or college sports teams and they live their lives through these people that are actually living their lives on the field. And they're just a fan in the stands. And the only way they gather any acknowledgment in their life is when a bunch of strangers on a field with other names on their back win or lose, and that somehow we won. And because their own lives have become so impossible to deal with, so sad, so frustrating, so empty that they've attached themselves and latched themselves on to a bunch of strangers. Whom, by the way, switch teams every three or four years anyways, they don't even play for their team much. And, and again, I understand there's a beautiful thing about being a sports fan. I'm a huge sports fan. I'm a huge sports fan. I love, I love all my Boston sports teams. When they win, I certainly feel great, and when they lose, I don't. But there's everything in life is moderation. I don't live my life through them. I don't feel a sense of achievement when they win a game. I don't. I feel a sense of happiness and joy, but I'm not hiding in those lives. I'm very much focused on my own. But oftentimes a way to escape is alcohol, and by the way, alcohol in moderation for many people is fine. Even if you want to gamble once in a while in moderation for some people that's fine, right? Being a sports fan is great in moderation, but when it becomes your sole source of acknowledgement, your sole source of joy, your sole source of escape, you're just hiding in your own lives. And so the problem for him is not that he's feeling a whole lot of anything right now. He feels a bit empty. He feels a bit alone, and maybe right now he's feeling a little bit lost. He overthinks things. He does not believe in himself like he used to, and now that's starting to impact his effort. He's tried and tried and tried, and he believed in himself, and he worked on himself, but it just hasn't worked. It's not that he's lazy, he's just lost. It's not that she's lazy, she's lost. And so over time, because of all of this discouragement that I've talked about in other videos, the four Ds, the Ds of doubt, discouragement, delusion, and delay, he's just a little bit lost. And it looks like laziness, but he just doesn't believe in himself truly like he used to. And yes, he's, he's got such a big heart. And frankly, the truth is his heart's been broken too many times. Broken because he's tried something that didn't work out. Broken because a friend let him down. Broken because a relationship didn't work out. Broken because one of his dreams didn't come true. And so how do we help this man that's going through this? How do we help this woman, this brother or sister of ours That's going through this. What are the things we can do? Because they're not going to tell you about it. And the longer he goes in silence and doesn't express these feelings, the deeper it will get and the scarier it can get. And I can just tell you all so much as a man that, yeah, this alpha stuff is awesome. And I do believe in those things very deeply. All you have to do is watch my content, but I also know there's another side of things where vulnerability is almost shamed in men. It's shamed in everybody in our culture. It's it's weakness. It's you're not focused. You're not on your game. You're not doing your cold plunge. You're not in your morning routine. I got all that. And then there's times in life where you've done all those things and it hasn't paid off, and then you did it again and it didn't pay off, and then a friend let you down and it didn't pay off, and then a relationship didn't work out or a business didn't happen, and you find yourself in life just where you never expected to be by this time. You thought by this time had you worked that hard, things would have been better. You just always thought it would be better. And you've tried and tried and tried. And there's a lot of despair in men in our culture, in people in our culture. And I fear that that despair is growing. And I fear that that despair is moving into depression. And as that depression potentially deepens, the terrible things can happen that a someone may hurt themselves or hurt someone else by acting out of that pain, hurt people, hurt people. And I worry about so much hurt in the world. When I see people on social media doing harm to one another, right. I know what it is. They're hurting themselves internally. They're hurting themselves. And so they want to lash out and make a comment or lash out and do something to somebody. And somehow I can just make them feel some of the pain, some of the lack, some of the scarcity, some of the insecurity I feel about myself, I might feel a little bit better about me. It's not who they really are. Most humans are good. Most humans are precious. Most humans are just acting out of something to feel some sort of sense of self to feel some sort of importance. And if they can't achieve something, if they can't contribute something, if they've been let down repeatedly, then maybe if I just tear some stuff down, I'll feel better. If I, if I can't get significance through my achievements, I'll get significance through doing harm. You see some of these precious children that end up doing harm in these schools. And oftentimes I really believe it's their way of just finding feeling significant, feeling important. Oh, you don't notice me. Well, you'll notice me now. And so how do we help this man I'm describing? And so many men that are listening to this right now, I guarantee you are very connected to what I'm saying. So many of the ladies listening to this can see it in their man, or see it in themselves, or see it in their girlfriend, see it in their sister. So how do we help them? It's just not good enough that you let them know that you love them. I'm gonna tell you what I believe part of the formula is. You can't just love them. You've got to let them know that you believe in them. There's a huge difference between loving somebody and believing in them. And you've gotta tell them that you believe in them over and over and over again because they know you love them. It's not that you don't love them. It's that they don't believe in themselves enough. They need to you can't pour from an empty cup. And here's the good news, truth vibrates at the highest frequency. So if you truly do believe in this man, tell him over and over, sit him down and say, Not only do I love you, I know I tell you I love you all the time, but I need to tell you I believe in you. I believe in you. And as a friend, as a brother, if you're listening to this, if you don't have someone, I believe in you brother. I believe in you sister. I believe you were born to do something great. I believe it's not too late. And I also believe this person still wants to be challenged. So, if you have this person in your life, let them know you believe in them, not just love them. Poor belief. You can't transfer to me that which you really aren't experiencing. So you've got to pour it into them. But when you tell someone the truth about themselves, that you believe in them, it vibrates at a high frequency and you supercharge them. It's it's more powerful than you know. And it might take more than once. It might take five times, 10 times, 20 times. But every human is worth pouring into. If you have a child that's going the wrong way, love on them, love on them, but you gotta let them know, I believe in you. What happens when people make mistakes is they believe, they think you don't believe in them anymore. If you've got a child who's gone sideways or a friend who's gone sideways or a boyfriend or girlfriend or a husband or wife who's just they haven't won yet, they know you love them, but they don't think you believe in them anymore and that's what's killing them. Nobody believes in me. I don't believe in me. And so, the belief aspect is totally different than love and I think as a parent oftentimes, I love you but that you've shamed the mistake. You've shamed them so many times. You've punished them so many times. Listen, discipline is important. In the Bible, Jesus, rebuked the apostles when they would make a mistake. That's what it means to disciple. It's okay to discipline, but discipline and shaming, discipline and disappointment is different. The worst thing to hear, you know this, when you were a kid was not when your parents were mad at you, it's when they were disappointed in you. Right? If someone thinks you're disappointed in them, they're not gonna get up. So, if you have a child who thinks you're disappointed in them, they're toast. If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend who thinks you're disappointed in them, they can't get up if they're already down. Your love doesn't get them up, your belief does. And if you love me and you're disappointed in me, I'm staying down. So, I want you to believe in them number one. Number two, I want you to get them to accept a challenge from you. I believe in you, I believe in you, and I want to challenge you to do XYZ. You gotta challenge them to do something. Let me tell you something, all people want to be challenged as long as they feel your belief and what maybe this person's suffering from right now is the lack of a new challenge, right? Because you had a first poor belief that's step one, I believe in you and it may take multiple times And once you've dosed them with enough of that, then you challenge them, Honey, I wanna challenge you to do this. Honey, I wanna challenge you to do that. Son, I wanna challenge you to do this. Brother, friend, I wanna challenge you to do this. Get them to accept a challenge, right? And then hold them accountable in that challenge. And what he needs is he needs to begin to get some small wins to create momentum in the other direction. What's happening is he's going downhill and he's stacking these dark thoughts and he just wants to go to sleep. And then when he sleeps, he's he's still tired when he wakes up. His favorite time of day is when he goes to sleep. His favorite time of day needs to be when he wakes up, that he wakes up with someone who believes in him. He wakes up with a challenge to go get something. He wants to chase. He wants to hunt. He wants to win. He's designed to hunt, to be challenged, to achieve, to win. But he only does that on the winds of belief. And what he needs is just some small winds. Small winds are how you get it going. Small winds. Hey, get up at a particular time, a particular routine, a particular amount of contacts, a particular amount of reps in the gym, a particular amount of hydration, a particular amount of contacts in a given day. Small wins, small wins beget big wins. The reason we spiral the other way is we get momentum going downhill and it's very easy to get downhill momentum in our lives. And then we just feel like we can't stop tumbling. I can't stop. No one will help me. This person let me down. I don't believe in myself anymore. She doesn't believe in me anymore and it's this dark path. So we've got to reverse it. And the way we stop the downward path is belief, not just love, belief. And then when we reverse this, we challenge them to take a step up the mountain again. And when they get one step and they get another, they get small tiny little steps, they begin to build momentum in the other direction. And so that's a big step and then maybe he needs to try to connect again with his faith on a deeper level. Challenge him to connect if he has faith to connect in his scriptures at a deeper level, to connect that way so that he's got this belief, he's got this challenge, now he's got some small wins, he's connecting to his faith, which is the true belief of all belief. Right? If he's got faith in his life. Maybe that challenge, if he doesn't have any, is to challenge him to explore that part of his life. The great comfort in life is to know that you are never alone. The Bible tells us he will never leave you nor forsake you, that you are never alone. Maybe he's got to connect a little bit deeper with whatever his faith is, whatever that practice is, whatever the one is that means the most to him, if he can reconnect with that, it can create truth to him that vibrates at a high frequency. The ultimate truth is what we believe about whatever our faith is. And when we reconnect with that faith, we are now vibrating at the highest possible frequency again. It's the greatest form of belief. Belief from a loved one is huge, but belief in where we're going and what we were made for is a whole other level. And then you know what? He needs permission to start over. And if you're listening to this my brother or my sister, I'm giving you permission right now to start over. I can tell you right now, it's not too late. There's a way out. There's always a way out. There's always a way out. It's never too late. You can turn this around. No matter what you've done, it's okay. You can fix this. You can turn it around. I promise you. And maybe the next part of it is he needs to give up his addiction to being a part of the crowd. Too many of you men that are listening to this, you want to be a part of the crowd. You want to be one of the guys. You want to be just like everybody else. Here's the truth, you weren't born to be like everybody else. You weren't born to be one of the guys. You're not supposed to be like everybody else. You're supposed to be an individual. When a man is in a group of guys all the time, he loses his individuality. He loses his ability to express his uniqueness and his greatness in the crowd. That's why even in every single team sport, they play individual positions. So it's great to have a group around you, of course, that supports you, that are your boys or your girls or your tribe, But don't hide in the tribe. Don't hide in the crowd. Don't hide in the pack. Still be an individual. Let me be very clear, one of the most important things that you can build around you is a tribe of people who support you, who believe in you, right? Who challenge you, who love you. But oftentimes, people take those to an extreme and they begin to hide in the pack, hide in the crowd, hide in the tribe, hide as one of the boys, hide as one of the girls, And you lose your individuality when you do that. And over time, if you just stay in the tribe, if you just stay in the pack, that is one of the keys that begins the downward spiral in life. Play your individual position. Play your individual game. Supported by the team around you, supported by the tribe. You've got to feel good when someone else scores that touchdown that you threw the block, right? That you, that you threw the block, that if it's baseball, that you do your part and whatever it is in life, that if you're in a company that you want the company to win, but don't hide in the company. Do your part. Be great at what you do. So give up your addiction to being a part of the crowd, one of the guys just like everybody else, and begin to express this new version of yourself and become addicted to your expansion. I want you to get addicted again to expanding. The good thing about being in a small place, if it's not good, is it's very easy to expand from there. At the highest levels, expansion is more difficult. So one of the advantages of being down on our luck or not playing well in our life is we can expand more easily, become addicted. I always say I'm addicted to the expansion of my being. And so become addicted to that, not being a part of the crowd. Maybe you need to begin to tell yourself again a new story about who you're becoming and stop telling the story about who you were or what's happened to you or what the past is. These stories we tell ourselves are very powerful. And we keep telling a story of this guy, let me down. I tried this. I used to be that. And what you're doing when you're telling the story is you're actually comparing where you are now to that former story and it doesn't feel good. And it reinforces how bad things are now. Stop making the excuses. Stop telling the story. Enough of all that. Enough of all of it. Tell a new story. There's power in just telling a new story. Yeah. That's what happened, but here's where I'm going. This is what I'm focused on. This is my challenge. These are the small wins I'm getting. See, if you're honest about where you are, there's you men express it to somebody. Tell them I'm hurting, I'm down. I need some help. Express it. Right? It's okay to do that. It's not weakness, it's strength. Weakness is pretending to be living away that you're not. If you're hurting, express it, tell them they love you. They believe in you and then create a new story. You can not create a new story if you're not totally honest about the one you're in now. But once you're honest, I'm hurting, I'm down, I don't feel good about myself. Right? Now from that place of honesty and vulnerability and authenticity, you can build a new powerful story and create a new one anytime you want. Do you know that at any time you want, you can literally write a new chapter of the book of your life? You and God are the author. At any time you can just decide, I'm grabbing the pen and I'm gonna write a new chapter. And so these other chapters are part of my story and those tests I had are gonna be my testimony. These previous chapters are gonna make the end of this book so incredible. Talk about a plot twist. When I was one of my most downtown times in my life, I kept saying to myself, plot twist, plot twist, and that meant I was writing a new chapter. Yeah, I lost here. Yeah, I lost there. Yeah, I made that mistake. Yeah, I was down there. Yeah, I'd lost my confidence here. Plot twist, Bam! New chapter, new author and I started to write that new story and that first chapter doesn't have to be Conquering Mount Everest. The first chapter needs to be a small win. When people look back on the turnaround of their life, it's usually a small thing. Just a small one, and then another one, and then another one, and all of a sudden, you got momentum going back up the mountain again. I just want to say to you, my brother or my sister, that you're good, and your past does not disqualify you. It's not too late. There is a way out. You can turn this around, I promise you. Partner with God if you have faith in your life. Partner with a friend if you don't have that at least. Start to create the right momentum. You can start right this second when this video ends by taking one step towards whatever that new life is. It could be as simple as writing down a new set of goals. It could be as simple as stopping after this video and sending a loved one a text. It could be getting with someone right now and saying, I need your help. It could be just going to the gym and hitting the weights for the first time. It could be hitting your workout hard. It could be just when this is over opening up your scriptures again. I mean, right when this is over. Your past does not disqualify you and it does not equal your future. Remembering that you were born to do something great. And also just remember this, my precious friend, remember this, most of the great people that you admire in your life went through the time you are. They went through admire in your life went through the time you are, they went through their version of the wilderness, myself included many different times. There's a wilderness in most people's lives. There's four seasons in everyone's life. There's winter, spring, fall, and summer. And all of us have winter. All of us do. All of us have that time of year where all of a sudden we leave winter and spring begins with some hope again. I want this video to be the beginning of the transition from your winter to your spring. And before you know it, if you can get this momentum going and take some of these steps that I've required here, it'll be summer again. And it's going to be awesome. And then there'll be a time of change again in the fall. And at some point, probably winter will return again. But the key thing in life is that winters become shorter and shorter and shorter, and that the springs and summers become longer and longer and longer. This is just a season, my friend. This too will pass. You were born to do something great with your life. If you have this man in your life or this woman in your life, please tell them that you love them. But more importantly, get with them and allow them to express themselves to you. Allow them to get it out. And if you have any of these feelings, everybody, get some help. Go see somebody. The world needs you. It's not too late. Alright. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So the man sitting next to me here today is one of the really best people in all of the personal development thought leader space. I love him. He's brilliant. He works very hard at his craft, but he has a kindness off camera that will be reflected on camera today when you listen to him. I just want you to know the person you're gonna listen to today is the same person on camera that he is off camera, and I'm a big believer in him. I believe he's one of the future people of this industry that are gonna dominate it. He already is. He's got a new book out right now called Love Life that I read cover to cover in a day and a half, and I loved it. And I cannot wait to share this man's wisdom with you here today. So Matthew Hussey, welcome back to the show, brother. Yeah. I don't know how to I don't know how to respond to that intro. I I've appreciated so much, Ed. I love spending time with you, and my some of my favorite moments are where we get to hang. Me too, brother. Yeah. I I I love you, and I just wish we had more of those moments. So here we go. It's interesting. I'm proud of your evolution. I'm watching you evolve. And by the way, you didn't need to, but just like most people that are growers, you've evolved. And so I always used to think this is the guy that's known on the planet Earth as probably the preeminent dating expert there is. But now you've evolved to where you're really not just a relationship because this book is really about relationships more than it is anything else. But what struck me about you, I said this off camera, in the beginning of the book, you kind of admit in the beginning of the book that even though you were like this dating expert, you were probably not a very good guy to date. And so why don't we start right there? I just think that's an awesome place to start so they they see some of your vulnerability too. I think this book is about relational intelligence. That's the phrase I keep using, because it can be applied to all relationships, and we're all in relationships. I actually think we're all in we're all in three different, like, relationships for life. We're in relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise. You know? If you have a terrible relationship with a parent or a brother or a, you know, a best friend or someone at work, that can ruin your life. Mhmm. So, you know, we're all in relationship with other people. We're also in a relationship with life, and that relationship and how good your relationship is with that is gonna determine how happy you are, and you're in a relationship with yourself. So those are three relationships you can't get out of Yeah. No matter what. Yeah. And how we manage those relationships is gonna be the quality of our life. I I suppose I started the book from a place of wanting to take myself off of any kind of pedestal that anyone could have put me on along the way. Mission accomplished, you did. No. You did. Well, it you know, for for for fifteen years, I've been working with people and and, you know, for so much of that in their love lives, although I've, you know, I have a retreat every year that is much broader than people's love lives, but I became known for that and I really it was it was difficult, actually, reading comments along the way about what an amazing person I would be to date. Mhmm. And, you know, he must be the perfect person to date because he knows all this stuff. And it was a very it used to make me more insecure because I think these people don't know. They don't know that, you know, I have I'm making mistakes. I am hurting people. Mhmm. I am hurting myself. Mhmm. I have not figured all of this out. I'm you you know, there were pieces of it that I felt very confident talking about, but I also was figuring my own stuff out. You know, one of the big themes of this book is, are we chasing the right things Yes. In love and in life? Mhmm. And if you chase the wrong things I remember my now wife I I started writing this book from a really, really tough place. I was heartbroken. And I by the time I was doing the final edit of this book, I was doing it on my honeymoon. So it was really crazy. By the way, it was a nice long honeymoon you had too, but go ahead. Oh my god. It was the best. Really, really good. But it but, you know, I I I realized that I was chasing a lot of the wrong things for a long time, and that was continuously leading me to pain. And there were blind spots I had about things that I hadn't worked on in myself, things I hadn't healed in myself that, you know, were showing up as pain but not awareness. I didn't know what was going on. I just knew something's not something's off with me in the way that I'm going after things or the way that I'm falling in love or the way that I'm dating that's leading me to pain. And and so what became really, really interesting to me, not just for other people but for myself, was what what are the deeper patterns that are happening with me Right. That keep leading me into either pain for myself, pain for other people, or, frankly, some form of kind of chaos in my life that I then have to put back together. Yeah. What did you uncover about you? So you because this the the most fascinating topic of the three relationships to me is the relationship with yourself. To me, the three that you listed because I, I'm constantly evaluating that with myself even at 52 years old. What did you what did you figure out about yourself that was going on in the relationship with you? Mhmm. I there there's a there's a chapter in the book called Never Satisfied. Mhmm. And I really love this chapter, because I think it speaks to so many of us. And there was always a there's a line in Hamilton where, you know, he's speaking to one of the Shyla sisters and, you know, he says, 'You're like me. You're never satisfied.' And she says, 'Is that right?' And he says, 'I have never been satisfied.' And I remember, well, kind of identifying with that and thinking, well, some things always I'm I'm never really at peace. I'm always chase I'm chasing after something that is exciting and causes me chaos or stress or hurt Mhmm. You know, or breaks my heart. Mhmm. Or I'm or I'm with someone who doesn't excite me or with someone who doesn't make me feel the things that I wanna feel that clearly adores me. Mhmm. And if I could just make myself feel more, I would be so happy, but I can't seem to make myself feel more in this situation. And I would observe patterns like that in my life, and I think that's a very common one that so many people fall into and they go, what is going on? I can't ever seem to find the sweet spot. Yes. And and so that was a key pattern. I think I dated like an addict. I think I was a kind of, like, chasing highs and the excitement of dating and the excitement of, you know, of romance or intimacy or and and, you know, even after you realize it's not working, you still have you you can realize something's not good for you or good for other people, but you don't necessarily have the tools to change the behavior. You're right. Right? So it took me time to understand, oh, there's a kind of you know, I I have to find a way to rewire my brain to want different things. You're on you're on to something I'm obsessed with right now, which is that our space, whatever we wanna call it, we have different, you know, seats in the space of personal development or self help or thought leader influence, whatever you wanna call it, right? You're obviously one of the biggest ones. And but one of them is we're always growing and changing and evolving. But I wonder, like, where's the space where, like, what you have is enough and okay? Do you know what I mean? Like, I I find myself, like it's almost like I'm violating a rule if I just really enjoy what I have and I don't want more. I don't want the next thing. So there's, like, this chase for the next level, the chase for how many books you can sell, how many followers you get, the chase for how much money you can have, the chase for the next house. In your case, the chase for the next date, the excitement of the new. And can I be equally happy and excited with the familiar? Because we're constantly taught in the space to kinda move away from where we are, theoretic. Does that make sense what I'm asking? Of course. And and and by the way, if you apply a classically kind of optimization mindset to dating Mhmm. You never choose anyone. True. Because you constantly you're looking for what's wrong and how could I optimize to get, you know, well, this person has 90% of what I want, but they're still missing this one thing. And maybe I could get someone who's 92% of what I want and so on. And you can go through life like that, and I I and then by the way, when you're that person and you label it like, well, it's a kind of Taipei thing. I'm I never wanna settle. I'm not gonna settle for something that's not amazing, but the relationships require you at some point not to settle for something, but to settle on something. And there's a big difference between those two things. Because when you when you settle for something, it's like telling yourself, I got short changed somehow, and no one wants to be short changed. No one wants to get the worst end of the bargain. But if you settle on something, it's a resolution that I'm gonna make this as incredible as it can possibly be, and that's the thing that's gonna make it special. Mhmm. But I see I so for me, it was a huge mindset shift, and and I think that never making that mindset shift makes a lot of people incredibly unhappy because nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. I if, you know, if if Audrey, my wife, was looking for for perfect, she would have been really disappointed from day one. So it's but you what you're speaking about there is something I am endlessly So am I. I think about all the time because and I even wrote a chapter of the book called happy enough. Mhmm. And the reason I wrote that is because and by the way, me, six years ago, seven years ago, maybe even five years ago, I would have hated that as a chapter name. Right. I would have been like, that is such a Yes. There's such a cop out. There's such a like settling by another name. Yes. Happy enough has become, like, my favorite phrase in the world. I love that. Because it's from happy enough is not a bad place to be. Happy enough is saying, I'm happy enough with where I am that I really feel like I can go and take big risks. I can go and take big swings Great. In any part of my life because my life already is enough. So if this doesn't pan out Great point. This doesn't happen, what I already have is enough for me. And and it's you know, we're so focused, especially in the self development world. There's a lot of focus on, like, you can't stay here. It's too bad. I'm gonna win because I have to and because I and and actually, there's a real power in saying if nothing changed, I'd still be okay. I love that. And therefore, I can go and take a big swing Yeah. Because I already have enough. And the opposite to that, by the way, are the people that I see that are the least happy in the world. And that's not the happy enough crowd. That's the never enough crowd. You're right. And the never enough crowd, that's a that's a dangerous place to be. And I see it you and I see it all the time because we, you know, it's natural. When you're in circles of ambitious people and people who are trying to make things happen in their life, it's hard to step out of the gear of making things happen all the time and say, well, at what point do I find contentment where I am? It's a very difficult thing to do. Right now what we're doing right now is one of the most important conversations that needs to take place on a bigger and broader scale the next five to eight years in our world and our culture. I all the time, I'm obsessed with it. You and I have the our our friends that we're all going for. You've got a new book out, and we want this book to do well. But it's totally different that when I get there, I'll be happier then instead of saying, I'm okay if it doesn't. Things are great right now. There's this great clip that I've watched about 3,000 times of Jim Carrey on Instagram. I don't think you've seen this clip, but he says he's in an interview. I'm paraphrasing. I'll probably mess it up, but it was it's how it affected me. He says, I'm gonna say something you probably never heard an actor say in your life. And the guy goes, what? He goes, I've had enough. I made enough movies. I've got enough awards. I've got enough attention. I've got enough money. I have enough, and it's okay. And he goes, you know what? I wanna paint now. I wanna spend some time. And he goes these other things, and I just even when he said it, I breathe like, like, he almost gave me permission to feel that way. And at the same time, maybe he will eventually go make another movie, but not because he thinks he has to for the next chase. It'll be it'll be coming from the right place of intention. And and and I'm sure that that spoke to you as it does to me because it speaks to some kind of truth in us Yeah. That wants to get out and wants to be acknowledged. And and it's and it's we do breathe this sigh of relief when someone comes along and says that. Yes. And and look. It's let me tell you something, Ed. I when I was writing this book Mhmm. I I I had very, very different phases writing this book. There was the panic phase of old I'm behind. I'm behind. I'm in trouble. I'm not gonna make deadline. And then when I I realized I was behind, I went back to I went to England for a month, and I was living at my mom's house with Audrey, my wife. And this was before we were married, actually. And I was there for a month, and every morning I'd wake up and the if you're doing a lot of business with America, The UK time zone's quite nice because you get, like, five to eight hours before anyone is even awake and bothers you. So in those hours, I just sat and I I wrote without anyone distracting me. I I I put my phone away. I literally put my phone in a drawer. I didn't touch it from the moment I woke up till about 1PM in the afternoon. And I would just sit in this room and write and grab a coffee and go back and write some more. And I started to find myself over the course of this month become happier and happier and happier, and I felt so calm. And I really it it was like almost it became an emotional thing for me. I was like, oh my god. I feel like I've been released from some kind of tension and treadmill. And writing itself, for me at least, and everyone has some activity like this, when I lose myself in it Mhmm. It becomes a kind of meditation. And then at the end of an hour or two or three, I get this kind of euphoria and this calm of feeling connected again and feeling like I've somehow lost myself in the richness of life and what's what really matters. And in in that moment, I can tell you, Ed, I don't care what I'm achieving. I don't care what is happening in my business. I don't care. All I cared about was I feel like I just did something really meaningful for the last two hours. I love it. Now let me tell you about where I am right now. Mhmm. The book got written. Mhmm. Everyone's really happy with it. I'm really excited about it. I'm most certainly proud of it. The publishers are happy. And then, of course, as you know, as well as anyone, everyone says, right. Time to get out there. Yeah. You're on the deal. Yep. And it has sort of screwed up my calm. Mhmm. And it has put me back you know, I'm now having to negotiate this tension between and I'm an introvert too. So for me, my phone blowing up with messages all the time and connecting with people and talking to people about doing their podcast and this, that, and the other, It's not my natural state. You know, some people are like that. They're just like, you know, they I that's not my natural state where I'm happy. And but I'm in it. Mhmm. And and it feels like a much more anxious and frenetic state and pace and it's all about numbers and how many books you sell and, you know, wanting to hit the New York Times list and all of the stuff that we all get told during that phase that is important to do. And and I found myself in a moment just, like, suddenly this I kept telling myself, when this book gets written, it's gonna be such a joyful thing because I'm so proud of it. It's gonna be so joyful to go out and talk about this thing because I'm truly, truly it's one of the pieces of work I'm most proud of in my life, and I know it's gonna help people. And I lost touch for a moment in the last few weeks because I Good. I heard you back now. I'm, you know, God I'm in this anxious kind of like now I'm wanting it to do well and all of a sudden I'm in that phase of it. And someone said to me, Matt, someone who's been with me through the whole process said to me, you've worked so hard on this and you've put so much of your energy and your soul and your heart into it. This is a victory lap. There you go. You you should be enjoying this part. This is a victory lap. You're gonna get to go and talk about this thing that you really care about. And I'm saying this, I guess, you're the you're the first podcast I'm recording of, like, a a bunch of different things I'm gonna be doing in TV and Yeah. Press and all of that. And I I guess maybe I'm voicing it out loud because I wanna set the intention. I do. I want you to have it. I just wanna enjoy this. Yep. And I don't wanna lose so much of the message of this book is about being connected. Mhmm. And it's really easy. You know, we we we shield ourselves. And this is the reality. Life doesn't allow you the perfect setup for you to feel calm and happy. It doesn't say to you, we're gonna give you the perfect time zone and you're gonna have to you're gonna get to not check your messages until 1PM and you're gonna you know, life comes along and says, how robust are you? Mhmm. Can can these things but meet with real life and all of the things that happen in a life and all of the disappointments and the headaches and the challenges, and can you still maintain at least some of that stuff that you really enjoy? And and I'm you know, that's something I'm practicing in real time right now. Please remember that because it's interesting. You ever meet someone who's had, like, a near death experience or they've survived cancer or something? They live their life like it's a victory lap. I want a victory lap. And so one of the things I've reminded myself, I was telling my kids this not that long ago, I didn't use that term, but I'll use your term. Life's a victory lap. We're just running up the score. You know what I mean? Like and if you can approach your life that way, you know, when I because I do the show, so, you know, half the guests at least have a book usually. By the way, when you're listening to it now, probably it'll be preorder, so you can go preorder Matthew's book right now, by the way. Let me help him sell some books right now. Sure. And the the link for that is lovelifebook.com. There you go. Get that in there. Lovelifebook.com. And, but I have to tell you, like, I I sometimes feel sympathy for a lot of my guests because they're in that treadmill when they're sitting in that seat. You know? They're in that I gotta make the times. I gotta settle this. I gotta do that. I'm like you know? And I know it because I did it. Right? And I've avowed. I'm I'm in the middle of writing my next book, and I'm like, I am not doing that next time. How will you prevent yourself from doing that next time? I'm curious. I I actually think the next time, well, I teach this with my athletes to people that I coach. I have goals, but then I separate from outcome. Wayne Dyer taught me that. So once you've executed the work, right, now just do you have a goal to make a list? There's nothing wrong with that, but then emotionally separate from the outcome of it. It's the same thing even, like, on a first date, I think. I think it's appropriate to be excited about the first date. And have a goal, I would love this to work out, but then separate from the outcome. Just let it be. Right? And so for me, it'll just be reminding myself to separate from the outcome. And, also, it sounds morbid, but this isn't going to matter on my deathbed one way or the other. And so it gives you perspective. Keep forcing perspective on yourself in your life. I have uncovered something maybe the last year or two about me. I'm good at loving people, man. Mhmm. I love people. I think one of the reasons I'm pretty good in front of a group or the show or with friends is I'm I love people, and I think they feel it when and I think people feel it from you too. Mhmm. I am still not good at getting love from other people. Oh, I get I understand that. And I and and I I have people that really love me. But it's almost like, I don't know how to explain it. Like, I real almost never sit there and go, I'm loved. Like, I I can't believe I'm saying this on the show right now. I can't because I have fans and friends and children and family and spouse and, but I I just don't allow it in. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. Actually, I can appreciate that they love me and not feel it, if that makes any sense. And I would like to figure that out. I think that's the thing. If you figure that out, let me know. Because I'm working on it too. Like, I really have to focus on people will give me a compliment, and I I will sit there and really work to take it in Me too. Because it's so challenging. It's like it doesn't penetrate. That's it. Yeah. It doesn't penetrate. Yeah. And it's and I I'm with you. I have people around me who love me so very much. And it's and it's so interesting because I felt I think with me when I when I talking with you, when I'm on stage with people, I want people to feel less alone. Mhmm. Because I know that's been one of my core pieces is, like, I felt so lonely in this world. Mhmm. And I want people to feel less alone, and so that's why I share so openly. Mhmm. Like, you know, we're so so similar in so many ways. And, you know, and someone in our position can share about these things. It really does. Like, it gives people hope, and it makes them feel less lonely. And so I think that's for me, the loving piece is, like, it's almost like I think my nurturance comes out in that way with other people, and I'm I'm starting to learn how to do it for myself. And then the next part is letting the love of others in because I know it's there. It's so obvious. It's the it's the thing. Mhmm. And and it's the thing. And for me, it's like, even talking about it with you and several other people that are listening, helps me because it's like it's it becomes more apparent to me that I am. It becomes more apparent to me that I should it's almost like I I've just spent too much of my life. I think everybody might relate to this. Just I'll get around to that. Like, let me figure all these other things out, and then I'm sure there'll be this time I'll just sit on a beach somewhere, and it's just gonna happen. Yeah. But that's not really how it the reason therapy works so well is, like, I think you're hearing yourself talk more than anything oftentimes. So That's why writing is so great too. It's like you're really working it out for yourself. What would you say to someone who says, I kind of share this with you. If you I'll make you work at this right now. Someone says, I would like to feel a little bit more loved myself. So don't advise you because you probably wouldn't do it for you. What would you say to them? And I'm seeing you you're looking up, which means you're really thinking. I am really thinking. What would your answer be? They wanna feel more loved. Yeah. To allow that to happen. Well, I always go back to how how deeply are you loving yourself. Mhmm. Because I think, ultimately, it's this Good answer. Yeah. It's this belief that we're not worthy of it. Mhmm. So the the more we can actually love from the inside out, the more we'll believe that we're worthy of the outside in. Yeah. And so I think that's the new that then that's like I said, that's my my next piece or what I'm what I'm toying with and playing with in my life right now is that I'm I'm being kinder to myself. I'm loving myself more. I'm loving my own choices more. Like, they don't have to be dictated by the outside world. Like, I loved creating this record, and I get so much out of it because it's the connection I have with not only people, but myself. Mhmm. Like, I'm doing things that I love. So I think it's when we can come from that place, then we start to believe, maybe, eventually You know, you're right. That we're worthy of it from the outside. You know, you're right. The reason that I struggle with it and we only have a few more minutes, you guys. Like, this one of these things just flew by. But I, like, don't do this to other people. I do it to me. I really stack my mistakes against myself. Mhmm. Mhmm. I mean, even, like, stuff people don't know that's a mistake. You ruminate on your mistakes? Yeah. Yeah. Those are fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like but I actually think having friends who share this with you makes it easier. It does. Because I'm like, okay. I'm not completely alone on this. You said about feeling alone. Like, I'm not alone in this. And and I, like, I just stack my mistakes. Like, hey, man. Like like, I don't do it without my other friends. But, like, with me, it's like, you did this. You did this. You didn't do that very well. You didn't Right. And and then the the stuff that I do very well is like, well, of course you do. You're good at that. Mhmm. I don't know. Does anyone relate to what I'm saying right now? I'm like, well, of course, you're you're already good at that. That doesn't count. Exactly. You it doesn't count. Yeah. It doesn't count. Exactly. I could go on stage and do an amazing show on all of it. Count. You're already good at that. That's what I do. Like, then crazy? Yeah. It's really a form of crazy. But if I beat my husband at tennis, then I've that one, like, really counts. So Isn't that so weird? We're so you know what? You have to accept at some point. Being human is just interesting. It is. I say that all the time. I'm like, this is such an interesting thing. It is. And it's but you have to laugh about it at some point. Yes. You know? Like, all of the all the crazy habits we get ourselves into and the beliefs, and at some point, we there has to be some humor in it. There has to be humor. And what we said earlier is it's not like a one moment. No. We're chipping away at ourselves. We're improving. We're evolving. We're growing, and I think you have to give yourself credit. I do these things I've described much less than I used to. Exactly. Much less. I just think I had this notion that at some point, there was gonna be this I'm like, I'm never gonna be down again. I think I felt that way too, and I think that's kind of the that's what we're fed. Right? I mean, that's in this world. It's kinda like the, you know, what the lie, the big lie. That is the big lie. Yeah. And The other big lie, by the way, is that you're further from it. So I say this in my book. The Bible says where there's no vision, the people will perish. Well, you gotta dig a little deeper on that. People have vision. Like, if I said, do you wanna be happy or sad? What's your vision if you're like, I wanna be happy. Would you like to have some money or be poor? Right. I'd probably like to have some money. Do you wanna contribute and make a difference or not? I wanna so you have a vision. The lie is that you're super far away from it Yeah. That you think it's twenty five years away. And so because that's the lie you believed, you behave and have a you don't, but most people do. They have a pattern. Well, you do in one thing with being happy or not being depressed. But you keep it so far away, and so you create these patterns in your life to perpetually keep your dreams and your vision that far away from you. And perhaps this is a breakthrough for me that I don't do it with, like, achievements. I just do it with emotions. Mhmm. I think I do with emotions. I think I'm just hearing myself say this right now, but, like, I haven't done it with money or success or a show or I've done it with, like, the emotion of bliss. I'm like, it's just far away. Yeah. And so I keep it there. You. And you know what, Doug? What I've been doing recently, and I've we always hear about gratitude list. Yes. And we always I'm thinking I always think for myself, like, that's the simplest, dumbest thing to do. And I did it a long time ago, and I remember it really helping. Yeah. And so I started it about a week ago. K. And now I go through my whole day, and I'm starting to notice, like, I'm really I'm really grateful for our conversation. I'm really you know what? I'm really grateful for this ice water. Yeah. Like, I'll start to Mhmm. It'll start to add up. Yep. And it's really helping me. So so simple. Good for me, though. Yeah. But you're saying that that those, you know, the bliss that you're keeping so far away from you. It's like, oh, no. There's little moments of joy All the time. All the time. Yeah. Even amidst the, you know, the anxiety and everything that I have going on. Mhmm. And that's what I loved. I really I was never gonna get out of this this morning at all. I was gonna come in here because I was like, you know what? I'm gonna enjoy this conversation. Mhmm. And I'm gonna walk out there feeling different. It's like going to the gym sometimes. It's like, once I get there, it's like, oh, this feels really good. Yep. So, you know, I think for me, it's it's, But you helped several million people today. And let me tell you something. Listen to me on this. You're you're not good at this. You are this. Thank you. You you should be doing more of this. Just trust me. I do it. I know when I see it. Like like, I I know. Really, I'm really kind of decent at it too, and I know when I see somebody that is. This will be the most shared show I've ever done because we've hit on topics that really matter to people. Mhmm. And two people that maybe well, in your case, anyway, people really look up up to No. Are gonna be like, wow. That was the most vulnerable conversation between two people I probably ever damn heard, and they don't have every answer. No. But success leaves clues. There was a bunch of clues in there. Yeah. And one or two of these works for me. And keep asking questions. Curiosity is so important. Curiosity is so important. And I I remember I used to be such a curious child, and I once again, that innocence piece, it's like our curiosity That's imagination. It goes yes. It just kind of, like, drifts. Yep. And we have to come back to that. Like, you start asking questions. I think we're onto it. I'm telling you guys, you've gotta start to just give yourself the gift of imagining and dreaming and curiosity. And when a history and memory keeps popping listen. There's gonna be a story for your life. If you keep telling the same story over and over again, you're gonna keep repeating the same chapters. If you just start to imagine or curious about the next chapters, you try some different things. You walk on stage at an event. You go, I'm terrified, but I'm gonna do this. Yes. I'm gonna try this new hobby. I'm gonna start the, you know, I'm gonna get good at CrossFit. I'm gonna do whatever it is. I'm gonna start writing. I'm gonna journal. You're gonna find gifts within you that were always there. You don't have to chase them. They're there, but they'll be revealed to you when you go into these spaces that Leanne's described today. Welcome back to the show, everybody. Today's such an honor for me because I've got this gentleman that I left back for the second time. It was one of the maybe the most downloaded show of all time. And I think one of the reasons is this man is, he's his whole life is on fire right now. He's so electric. He's reaching so many people because his message and more important, I just think his energy, the way he connects with people, just really resonates, and it's perfect for these times. And he's an icon. He's become an icon in the personal development space and healing and helping people. And he's got this new book out about the most important topic in the world, which is love. And his new book's called Eight Rules of Love, How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go. He's also the host of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, one of the biggest podcasts in the world. And some of the top leaders in every industry in the world look to this man for advice and counsel, and now you get to get it from him today. So, Jay Shetty, welcome back. Ed, I just wanna say that I'm so grateful to be back with you because I was just saying this to you off screen, but I want everyone to hear it. The amount of your first of all, the people you attract in your community are just unbelievable. Thank you. And the amount of people after our last interview that came up to me and said, I heard you on Ed's podcast Yeah. Or I loved you and Ed connecting when you came on the show too. I it's it's one of those things where you go, when we were texting and messaging Mhmm. Before we got to meet each other, you felt a connection. But then when we sat down Instant. It was just like no other. It was instant. And and so I just I feel really grateful when you feel like you reconnect with someone that you haven't even connected with in the past. That's so funny you say that. When you left that day, I told my wife, I said, I feel like I've known Jay forever. Yeah. Literally. I felt that way too. So Do you do you think transitioning on that too. Is there any element of that that's in love? So I was preparing last night because I wanna talk about this with you because it is I'm at this stage of my life where it's it it's always probably been the most important thing. But for me right now, being with the people that I love and making sure they know how much I love them. And in my case, letting myself feel loved is a really interesting thing. So what is actually love? Is it something we know when we feel it, do you think? Because I know you've studied this so deeply. Yeah. I I mean, I wanna start off by just saying that so my wife and I, we have always said that we think we must have been together in a past life. Like, we have that since we met, we had that familiarity. We had that comfort. And and even today, we've we've always had that. But what I really tried to do in this book and in my work is when you speak to someone who's in love, they'll say, when you know, you know. When you feel it, you feel it. And the problem with things like that is someone's listening or watching right now going, Jay, I don't feel anything. Like, I haven't felt it yet. What do I do with that? Do I just keep meeting people? And so what I like to do is take a subject like love and break it down and analyze it into really simple ideas that everyone can understand Right. Rather than waiting for some, like, ethereal internal feeling, which I want you to feel Mhmm. But it's gonna take a few steps. So I define love. And in the book, one of my rules is make sure that you define love before you say it or feel it. Mhmm. Because I think one of the biggest mistakes that happens in relationships is two people say I love you, but they mean different things. Woah. So I say I love you, and that means I wanna spend my life with you. And you say I love you, and that means you wanna spend a night with me. And that's where all of our friction begins because you never stop to say, no. No. No. What do you mean by that? Yes. So we have to really define love. So I define love as three things. K. It's when you like someone's personality. It's when you respect their values, and when you want to commit to helping them achieve their goals. That is love in action. That is love in practice. That is love in reality. So like their personality, what do I mean by that? Studies show that to make someone a casual friend, you have to spend forty hours with them. Forty hours for a casual friendship. It goes on to say you need hundred hours to make someone a good friend. And if you consider someone a great friend or best friend, you would have had to spend two hundred hours with them. So the question about liking someone's personality is, could I like spending two hundred hours with this person? That's the question I'm asking myself. That's the question you should be asking yourself when you're dating someone. Do I wanna spend two hundred hours? Respecting their values. I've chosen the words very carefully. The challenge in relationships is we want people to value what we value. Yeah. We want our partner to value what we value the way we value it. And when they don't value it, we think you don't love me. You don't care about me. But what we have to learn to do is respect their values and for them to respect ours. I'll give you an example. Like, for me, one of my deepest values is my purpose and my work. Yeah. And my wife respects it so much that if I tell her I have a purpose opportunity Mhmm. She'll never hold me back. Yeah. She'll never make me feel guilty about it or bad about it because she knows that this is what fuels me. It's fuel. Mhmm. And my wife's fuel is her family. Yeah. Being with her mother, being with her father, being with her sister, being with our niece and nephew, being with her grandmother who she's with right now in hospital in London actually. And again, I'm not gonna make her feel guilty or bad if she wants to spend time with her family over what I'm doing. And so when you have this healthy respect of actually I see that your fuel makes you who I love. Yes. Right? Like, what makes you attractive to the other person? Don't take that away from them. I think this this is really just hit me right now. We often extract what attracts us about someone. Meaning what? We take that away from them. Woah. We want them to give up what they value because we want them to focus on what we value. Woah. So we take it like the rug from beneath their feet? Let me validate what you're saying. Yeah. So I've been married twenty five years. We've been together thirty five years. And when I feel the most unloved or disconnected, because relationship's a real thing, are those moments where that isn't present. Meaning, my purpose isn't admired or respected or appreciated. And in a relationship, you're gonna have moments where those things don't happen. But I do know in the moments where I feel like that isn't existing is I feel the least connected. So you're trillion percent right about it. I love hearing that from your perspective. And by the way, congratulations. What an amazing Thank you. Marriage and, like, phenol I I aspire to be like you, Ed. And and I'm learning along the way, and it's the same thing for me. It's like respecting someone's values means two things. You need to know your values because otherwise how can someone respect them, and you need to know the other person's values. And the third one is, do you want to commit? Are you willing to put the time to help someone achieve their goals? Do you care enough to say, you know what? Whatever you care about, whatever you believe in, I'm gonna be there with you supporting you, cheering you on, redirecting you sometimes Yeah. But I care enough. There's a difference between saying I wanna see you win, and I'm gonna be there for you watching you win, helping you win.

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